(upbeat music) - [Announcer] "Nightmare Theatre" is made possible in part by The Fish House, a great southern restaurant supporting arts, entertainment, and local culture since 1998.

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(calm music) (thunder cracks) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to draw just some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ ♪ Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ ♪ On "Nightmare Theatre" ♪ - No Mittens, I'm not pulling your leg.

It really happened, honest.

It was back in 1986.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

The same year "Sledgehammer" debuted on TV.

And believe it or not, this was just as ridiculous as "Sledgehammer."

Get this.

The idea was to form a human chain of idiots holding hands from one side of the country to the other.

It was supposed to be an event to raise awareness and money for various charities.

It was called "Hands Across America," because they were all holding hands.

I know, I can't think of a better way to spend my time than lining up on the shoulder of a highway to hold the hands of sweaty strangers.

I mean, what?

No, of course it didn't work.

The plan was to start in New York and end in California, a distance of about 2,800 miles.

But it wasn't just drifters and the cast of "Upward People" out there.

Celebrities took part too.

You know, guys like Jamie Farr, Dudley Moore, Ed Begley Jr. And get this, 54 Elvis impersonators all joined in for world peace or some such nonsense.

You know what?

I kind of wish I'd had joined in.

Yeah, I'm always interested when there's money to be made.

People eagerly coughed up 10 bucks for a spot to stand on public land.

The event raised 34 million dollars, but only about 15 million went to the charities.

The rest went to overhead, and I'm the master of overhead.

Oh yeah, for sure dude.

I could've cleaned up and easily gotten away with several million dollars.

Though no one can prove it, many people believe El Sapo was responsible for the huge gaps in the line because no one wanted to hold hands with him.

Wait, hey, later I'll tell you about the US Festival.

Let me get over here, we're on.

Hello, and welcome to "Nightmare Theatre."

I'm your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and with me as always is Mittens the Werewolf.

We were just discussing one of the most ridiculous events of all time, as we wait for the man who is hands down, see what I did there, Mittens?

The most ridiculous disappointment of all, El Sapo de Tempesto, to show up with tonight's movie.

- Hey guys, I am very, very sorry I am late.

- What do you mean, coming in here in the middle of the night like this?

Do you know what time it is?

- No, I don't even know what time it is.

You see, I lost my watch when the octopus grabbed my arm and tried to pull me down into the tank.

- He's got eight arms and none of them was able to pull you in to the murky depths?

What did you do to make him grab ya?

- Nothing, I didn't do nothing at all.

- So wait, how did you come across an octopus?

- Well, you see, there's an interesting story there.

I went down to the seaquarium, I heard they had these new star shaped corndogs, and I wanted to surprise you guys.

At any rate, I was walking past the octopus exhibit, and the big wind blew my narwhal hat right into the octopus tank.

So I reached way down in there to grab it and I guess he thought I was trying to shake hands, or maybe he thought I was trying to steal his shell.

Oh whatever.

And he grabbed my wrist and he pulled my watch clean off.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah, and then this big shot tough guy with a name tag and a whistle sees me, and blasts his whistle, and he tells me, get this, he tells me "Leave that octopus alone."

So I snatched my arm back and took off running.

Whistle boy chased me, and he almost caught up with me, but I hid out with my new friends, the penguins.

They welcomed me into the tribe.

And by the way, once the heat was off, I slipped back out into the crowd and got away.

- So did you bring us any star shaped corn dogs?

- No, no, no boss.

No, Mittens.

By the time I got back to the corn doggery counter, they only had vegan gluten free ones left, and I didn't think you guys would want that.

- Well that's just great.

I suppose you don't have a movie either.

- No, not a movie as such.

- What are you looking at?

- But I do have this.

See, they had this wading pool where kids can swim with flounders or stingrays or starfish or something like that, and in some guy's towel hut, I found his wallet and this film can.

I think it's about water safety.

And you know what?

Judging by how old this looks, I think it might be from the 1950s.

It's called "The Pool of Peril."

- "The Pool of Peril?"

That sounds ominous.

It could be a cornett or an encyclopedia film, but with that scary name, it's probably one of those gloomy, twisted Sid Davies films where a bunch of people scoff at water safety and then drown as the spiteful life guard ignores them.

- You know, I got ignored by a life guard once.

Remember that boss?

You and Mittens were there.

I was flopping and flailing around in the water, and the life guard just ignored me.

You and Mittens were laughing at some joke.

And you know, you must have told the life guard a joke, because he was laughing too and he was waving this five dollar bill in his hand as I screamed and hollered.

- I do remember that.

That was the best five bucks I ever spent.

- You know, maybe this movie on water safety would have helped me that day.

"The Pool of Peril" is a great title.

- Wait a minute, did you read the whole title?

It's "The Pool of Peril" all right.

Chapter nine of "Flash Gordon."

You mucked this up again, Sapo.

- You know, I'm sorry boss.

I just thought it was something else.

I just don't know what is wrong with me tonight.

- Oh, would you like me to tell you?

- I would.

- I've compiled quite a dossier outlining all of your faults.

- Really?

- Yeah, let me pull it out here.

- Oh wow, that's quite a file.

I don't know, you know, maybe I've just been working too hard.

- That'll be the day.

- Well look, it says "Pool of Peril."

What was I supposed to think?

- I suppose it's not entirely your fault.

I mean, who am I kidding?

It's definitely your fault.

But titles can be deceiving.

This Flash Gordon serial had more than one title itself.

In the 1960s, it was re-edited into an 83 minute movie called "Peril from Planet Mongo," but it did nothing to improve the quality of this mess.

See?

You learned something today.

Very rare for you.

- Hey, I didn't even know who I was when I woke up this morning.

But how do they take a 36 hour film like this and reduce it down to 83 minutes?

- I don't know, monkeys on typewriters?

I just wish you'd never visited this atrocity upon us.

You know what else I wish?

- No, I don't.

Could you tell me?

- I wish you'd go find a movie for us!

So here's "The Pool of Peril."

I'm not gonna spoil anything for you, but it's just as bad as the other eight chapters.

So sit back, strap on some water wings and get comfortable, as we watch chapter nine, "The Pool of Peril."

You're in the deep end now folks, and there's no life preserver in sight.

(triumphant upbeat music) (thunder cracks) (triumphant music) - [Narrator] Chapter nine.

The Land of the Dead, inhabited by Rock Men, becomes the battle ground of a scientific war against Ming.

Flash and his party are captured by the Rock Men, who also capture Ming's soldiers.

The Rock King condemns all to death, blaming them for the disappearance of his son.

Flash and Zarkov escape by a clever ruse and discover the Rock Prince helpless in the grip of the powerful lodestone.

Flash attempts his rescue while Zarkov hurries to the Rock King.

But... (intense music) (electricity crackles) (rock man yells) (rock men speak a foreign language) - Oh no!

(rock men shout) (Rock King speaks a foreign language) - Flash.

How did you get the prince down from that ledge?

- That rock I shoved into the pit, it dislodged the lodestone and broke the magnetic field.

- We must get him back to his father at once.

- I only hope we're in time to save the others.

Look, Zarkov, you go on ahead.

Tell them I found him.

I'll bring him in.

(rock men yell) - Look, stop!

Stop!

(Zarkov speaks a foreign language) (Rock Men speak a foreign language) (Rock King speaks a foreign language) (Rock Prince speaks a foreign language) - There's a chance here to get away.

- What is he saying?

- He's thanking you for saving him.

Says he's devoting his life to your service.

(Rock King speaks a foreign language) - The king has granted us all freedom because of what Flash has done.

- Now!

(men shout) - If he really means what he says, tell him to help us now.

Ronal, come on.

(Zarkov speaks a foreign language) (Rock King speaks a foreign language) - Did you find our ship?

- No, it was destroyed in the explosion.

But Barin's ship is just beyond those rocks with two men.

- Well, can we use it to get away?

- We've got to.

(creature roars) (Sonja screams) - Someone's coming.

Torch, Sonja and Thong from Mongo.

- Perhaps they mean to take our ship.

- We can prevent that.

But we must warn Flash if he's near enough to hear.

(siren plays) - It's lost thanks to you.

- I can't help it.

That horrible iguanathon scared me.

- That's the alarm on my rocket ship.

- Oh, they're in trouble.

- Come on, can't stay here.

- There they are.

(rock person speaks a foreign language) - He says he knows a shorter way to get around the other side and stop them.

- All right, tell him to go ahead.

We'll go this way.

- Torch, we can't go any further.

- They're coming up after us.

- Then we'll have to make a stand here.

- Flash!

- I'm glad you weren't killed, Roka.

- Just lucky, I guess.

- Thank the prince for his help.

Tell him we're all square now.

He'll understand.

(Zarkov and Rock Prince speak a foreign language) - We're to return him to his people.

Then we must leave this country.

- Will we go direct to Aboria?

- We won't discuss our plans in front of our friends there.

- I suppose we'll have to take them with us.

- Yeah.

They're going too.

- But Flash, perhaps we might exchange Princess Aura for them?

- Guess we might.

- We'll attempt to enter the dungeon caverns under the palace.

Captain Sudan, the Ming guard, is still loyal to me, and with his aide, I hope to find my wife and rescue her.

- Perhaps we can get in touch with him over this radio phone Zarkov made.

Korro has one like it and is probably waiting for a message from us outside.

- Oh, that's an excellent idea.

- Hello?

Hello?

Calling emergency.

- Gordon is calling.

Yes, Flash?

This is an emergency, listen carefully.

They've made me a prisoner, and Captain Sudan is helping me.

- Good, now listen to me.

Can you get a message to Princess Aura?

- She's here now.

What do you wish to tell her?

- I'll let Barin do it.

Get that.

- My dear, are you all right?

- Yes, darling, I'm all right.

- Good.

Tonight, we'll take you away.

Let me speak to the captain.

Captain?

We land near the dungeon caverns at midnight.

Can you open the gates for us?

- [Korro] Yes, your highness.

I will be on duty in the control room.

- Make certain you do not fail.

And have available such members of the guard as you can trust.

- [Korro] I will, sire.

But we must go now.

It is not safe to talk loudly.

(tense music) - Flash, please let me go with you.

- No dear, you stay here and help Ronal guard the prisoners.

About time those gates were opening.

- Sudan will do his part if he can.

- Suppose he can't?

- Inside, quickly!

(footsteps approach) - Palace guards coming this way.

- Perhaps Captain Sudan sent them.

- No, no, they're not of our party.

If they see us, they'll give an alarm.

- We'll jump them when they come through that arch.

Hide.

(intense music) (bell rings) - What's happened?

- Their presence has been discovered.

- What can we do?

- Nothing but hope for the best.

I still may- - What's the meaning of this alarm?

- I do not know, your majesty.

It startled me.

- It's your duty to find out.

Look, they're all there.

All except Dale Arden.

Caught like rats in a trap.

Open the flood control panel.

- But your majesty, you're wanting them captured alive.

- Are you going to obey?

- Run for your lives!

That flood will fling us into a bottomless pit!

(triumphant music) - Mittens, was there a pool there?

Did I miss something?

Oh, you're saying that water's supposed to be a pool?

I just don't know what to say anymore, and more importantly, I don't care.

Can you call the police and get an APB out for Sapo?

I mean, maybe a shoot on sight order, if they're willing to play ball.

Hello and welcome back.

That was "The Pool of Peril."

Mittens and I were just talking about how bad it was and how we've come to expect nothing less than zero effort from El Sapo.

Just between us, I hope he doesn't come back tonight or ever, really.

- Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss.

- Must you always come running in here screaming like a fishmonger?

- But I am so excited.

Tell me, who was your favorite radio personality of all time?

- I don't have one.

Radio is for losers.

Public television is where it's at.

- Oh, come on boss.

Think radio.

Think the old days.

Best guy on the radio back in yesteryear.

- You want me to say Fred Allen or Jack Benny, or maybe Art Bell?

- No, man.

Get with the times.

Think the rock and the roll.

- I don't have an idea.

Alan Freed, Dr. Demento, Richard Blade?

Look, I don't have time for guessing games, just tell me.

- Wolfman Jack.

- Oh, that guy.

He was funny for about eight seconds back in the 70s.

- Well, get ready to laugh because I have found his biopic, as the kids say.

Look, it's called "Wolfman."

It's about the rise and crippling fall of Wolfman Jack, I'm guessing.

"Oh baby, we got Little Eva and Sha Na Na coming up next, "but first, here's a fine word from the good folks at Krishna's Foot Powder Emporium."

That guy was great.

- Sapo, this is not about Wolfman Jack.

Not at all.

And honestly, I can't stand that guy.

- Well, if it's not about him, who is it about?

Do you know about this movie?

- I do.

I do.

So we meet again, movie.

It's been a long, long time.

- What do you mean by that, boss?

- I've crossed paths with this film before, years ago, around the time of its release.

I knew, I mean I knew guys, I knew it was dangerous.

I saw the omens, the portents, the blood on the moon.

I heard an owl cry at day break.

I cracked an egg with a double yolk.

I knew the time of evil was at hand, but no one believed me.

No one heeded my warnings.

I literally ran through the streets.

- You ran... Now remember what you said about lying, boss.

Every time someone lies, Roger Corman makes a new movie.

- All right, all right.

I walked very quickly.

I was like a man possessed.

I knocked on every door, warning people about this movie, but no one listened.

The film played three times that night, and by the next morning, every pigeon in town was dead.

I'm not making this up.

This film is cursed, and you brought it into our home.

- Oh, come on.

How bad can it be?

- The actors in this movie make the cast of "Mayberry R.F.D."

look like The Royal Shakespeare Company.

These are some very, very bad actors.

- They can't all be bad.

- Seriously, Sapo, if bad acting was a crime, these guys would be on death row.

- What about the director?

- It was directed by a guy named Worth Keeter.

- All right, time out, time out.

Stop, stop, stop.

I'm wise to you, boss.

I know you made up that name right here on the spot in some clever effort to fool me.

- I don't have to make up things to fool you.

The man's name is Worth Keeter.

He's directed over 20 movies and over a hundred television shows.

- Over 20 movies?

Well, he's gotta have at least one or two Academy Awards in there, right?

- Not unless they give awards for the worst director nowadays.

- Well, what movies did he direct?

- He directed movies like "Dogs of Hell," which is about a pack of dogs trained to kill.

"The Order of the Black Eagle," which is about spies or Nazis or something.

He also directed "Unmasking the Idol."

Lord knows what that one was about.

The film is notable because it stars former wrestler, Dangerous Danny Spivey.

Spivey was in tag teams with Scott Hall, Mike Rotunda, and even Abdullah the Butcher.

He even appeared at Wrestlemania II, but fame really eluded him.

- So the movie's claim to fame is that it starts some mid-card jobber?

- Yep, Keeter couldn't even get famous wrestlers.

- You know, I wonder why he never called me and asked me to be in one of his movies.

- I mean, he might be a hack, but he's not stupid.

Folks, I'm sorry you're being subjected to this, but hold your loved ones close and we'll get through it together.

Sit back and try to relax as we present "Wolfman," directed by Worth Keeter and starring a truck load of hicks here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(rain pours and thunder cracks) (tense music) (thunder cracks) - Why isn't mother here?

- She isn't up to this, Uncle Edwin.

She's in her room.

- I'm sorry.

Grandmother just wouldn't understand.

- No, she's always understood.

She's never condoned our actions though.

- Ah!

Ah!

(thunder cracks) - Clement, it's time now.

Your uncle is no longer useful to us.

- All right.

Finish it.

(Uncle Edwin groans) (thunder cracks) - No!

No!

- It's done.

Now when will Colin arrive?

- He'll be here within the hour.

Ewan Rowe's going to meet his train.

- You'll have to keep him here until the full moon.

He must suspect nothing.

- I don't believe we have to worry about that.

Our cousin is too worldly to believe the things that we do.

(train horn honks) - Colin Glasgow?

- [Colin] Yes.

- I'm Ewan Rowe, your father's attorney.

- Oh, glad to meet you.

- I have my carriage right over here.

- Good.

- Now is this all your luggage?

- Yes, it is.

I'll get it.

How's father?

- It was heart failure.

We all expected it for some time, but it still comes as a shock.

- If I'd only have been here one day sooner.

Who's at the house?

- Clement and Elizabeth, and your grandmother.

- How is she?

- I hate to admit it, but I haven't seen her in some time.

Lately, she just stays in her room.

- It's no wonder, she's in her 80s.

She's outlived mother and father both, and probably will me too.

- This may seem strange, but I've been your father's attorney for some years, and until a few weeks ago, I didn't even know he had a son.

- Well, that's not surprising.

When I was small, my mother was sick a lot, and I spent most of my time with relatives.

And when I was 17, I went away to school.

After I finished school, I started traveling.

Until you reached me.

- I'm glad we found you.

Your father's will was complicated and he wanted you here to handle it.

Well, here we are now.

(tense music) Oh girl, hold it.

Oh Luther, take Mr. Glasgow's bag to his room.

- Yes, sir.

(tense music) You can wait in the study, Mr. Colin.

Mr. Clement is upstairs, I'll go up and get him.

- We might as well sit down while we wait.

- Colin, it's good to see you!

How have you been?

- I've been fine, and yourself?

- Oh, just getting older.

It's been a long time.

It's good to have you back.

I'm sorry it took a death to bring you though.

- I'm sorry too.

- Uncle Edwin's death was a blow to all of us.

I'm sorry you didn't get here in time to see him.

- I just didn't receive word in time to make it.

- He wanted you to be here.

We tried to explain to him that we were doing everything we possibly could.

Oh well, you're here now.

I hope you'll make yourself right at home.

- This is home.

Colin.

- Elizabeth, you haven't aged at all.

- I don't believe you, but I appreciate the compliment.

Could we fix you a drink?

- No thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I'd rather get some rest.

I've had too many hours on the train.

- We've fixed up your old room for you, if that's all right.

- [Colin] Very well.

- Luther's already taken the luggage up.

I'll show you the way, if you'd like.

- That's all right, I think I can find the way.

What time's the funeral?

- Uncle Edwin requested to be buried at sunset.

I'll have Luther find you in time to get ready.

And if you need anything tonight, Luther will get it for you.

- Good, thanks for picking me up off the train.

- You're quite welcome.

- I'll see you tomorrow then?

- Yes, I'll be there.

- Good night.

- [Elizabeth] Good night.

- [Clement] Good night.

- Good night.

- What's to prevent him from leaving tomorrow right after the funeral?

He has to stay.

- There will be legal matters to be settled.

I've already told Colin it could take quite a while.

So don't worry.

I'll keep him here as long as you wish.

- Just see that you do, Ewan Rowe.

(suspenseful music) (thunder cracks) - Let us begin the ceremony.

(bell rings) Lucifer.

Mephistopheles.

Beelzebub!

I call on you to visit us tonight.

Forces of evil.

Powers of darkness.

Beings of the other side.

We ask you again for your help in executing your will.

We ask that henceforth, the curse lying on the Glasgow family be the burden of the eldest son.

(thunder cracks) That he should carry out the will of the spirits beholden to Satan.

And that he be compelled by your wishes and demands.

We offer this being for your approval.

That he may continue to fulfill obligations and promises made before he saw light or life.

Obligations imposed on his ancestors, in punishment for blaspheming Satan.

For breaking the sacred pact made with the devil.

I uphold my allegiance to Satan by the administration of this curse.

Please accept this, our humble offering.

- Hello and welcome back to "Nightmare Theatre."

Look, I know this movie looks like Roy Clark and the "Hee Haw" players tried to remake a Hammer film, or the County Jail's drunk tank is putting on its annual gala.

But thanks to Sapo, we're stuck with it tonight.

- I agree.

I mean, there sure are a bunch of hicks and rubes in this movie, boss.

- It must feel like a family reunion, huh Sapo?

- I wouldn't know, I'm not welcome at family reunions anymore.

But yes, I suppose it does.

- Bless your family, that's completely understandable.

But if I could deviate from my prepared remarks for just a moment, I'd like to talk about an interesting concept.

I wanna talk about separating the art from the artist.

The baker from the half-baked.

The man from the material.

The maker from the made.

- The stinker from the stink.

- Listen folks, I have something to say.

Sapo, put on this hat and then take it off.

- Aye aye, captain.

- Personally, I take my hat off for no man, but I had Sapo take his hat off for Earl Owensby.

- Who is he?

- Earl Owensby plays the lead in this film.

- You made me take my hat off for that guy?

He's horrible, he's a poor man's Joe Don Baker.

- As an actor, yes.

But as a business man and a promoter, he's in my league.

- And that's good?

- Very good.

- Well tell us about him, boss.

- Owensby has been called the king of the sub-B's.

The Dixie DeMille, and the redneck Roger Corman.

- [Sapo] They said that to his face?

If somebody called me those names, I'd punch them right in the nose.

- [Baron] No, no, no.

No, you wouldn't.

And yes, they were meant as compliments.

- [Sapo] What is so great about this guy?

Did he invent some kind of new floor wax or something?

- No, but he is a very important man in his field.

Owensby was even featured in an exhibit at the North Carolina History Museum.

- Oh, big deal.

That x-ray of my innards is still featured in the Medical Oddities Museum in Chattanooga.

- Yes, but unlike your exhibit, Owensby's is designed to inspire.

Many people say he convinced producers like Dino De Laurentiis to make films like "Firestarter" and "Maximum Overdrive" in North Carolina.

The state's film industry considers Owensby a hero.

In addition to his many homegrown productions, he helped bring major studio productions into the state.

People loved his exhibit, by the way, not like your display in Chattanooga, which convinces attendees to leave the state and never come back.

- He sure seems like an interesting fella.

- He is a very interesting man, and despite this God awful movie.

- Did he do any other cool things?

- He produced a movie in 1984 called "Hyperspace," which was credited with launching the career of Chris Elliott.

- Woo-hoo-hoo!

- And Paula Poundstone.

- But that doesn't make him a bad person.

- By all accounts, Earl Owensby is a great guy.

He was friends with Elvis Presley, and he even named his son Elvis.

- You know, someone ought to name their kid after me.

- There's already a strain of virus named after you.

- That is true.

Did this guy do anything else cool?

- Actually yes.

In 1986, he bought a huge containment tank from an old nuclear power plant.

- Ooh, I avoid those places.

I hear they rot the old brain.

- Do you really think that's an issue for you?

At any rate, Owensby filled the tank with 7.5 million gallons of water, and James Cameron used it to make a movie called "The Abyss."

- James Cameron, now I know that name.

He made my all-time favorite movie, "The Titanic."

Man, I did not see that ending coming.

Who knew an iceberg could sink a ship?

- Yes, well that was a sad disaster.

- I know boss, all those people died.

- I was talking about the film.

Anyway, Owensby has done some great things, so while I have and will continue to mock him until I'm hoarse due to his performance in this terrible movie, please remember, people are better than their worst mistake.

Sure, he's a horrible, sweaty, bloated, slurring, stumbling, bumbling hairy goon in this movie, but he's also the reason that many movies and TV shows are filmed in North Carolina.

Anyway, let's get back to the movie.

The sooner we get back to it, the sooner it'll be over, and that's something we can all agree will be a great thing.

- Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery.

He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.

He fleeth as if he were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay.

Unto all mighty God, we commend the soul of our brother departed, and we commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ, at whose coming in glorious majesty to judge the world, the Earth and the sea shall give up their dead, and the corruptible bodies of those who sleep in him, shall be made like unto his own glorious body.

The Lord be with you.

- Well, it was a nice service, didn't you think, Colin?

- Very nice, I thought.

Who was the minister?

- Didn't you get to meet him?

Oh, I'm sorry Colin, but I had hoped to introduce you.

But then you did leave in sort of a hurry.

That was Reverend Leonard.

He was a very dear friend of your father's.

In fact, your father requested that he be the one.

- Yes, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

- [Colin] Does he have a church?

- Well, he doesn't have a church at the moment, but he's raising funds to build one.

He hopes to start construction in the near future.

- I wish him luck.

(bells ring) (clocks tick) (clock chimes) - Colin.

- How have you been?

- I've been fine.

- I saw you at the funeral last night.

I wished you'd have waited, I wanted to talk to you.

- I wasn't sure you would want to.

I mean, right after the funeral.

- Well, I wrote you a couple of times.

I never heard back.

Didn't you get the letters?

- No, I didn't get them.

I was married for a while though.

I guess that's why.

- You were married?

I didn't know about that.

You are married now?

- No, no.

It didn't work out as well as we thought it would.

Father was against it from the beginning, but we were too young to listen to anyone.

- Well, that's not the first time that's happened.

What are you doing now?

- Oh, not really much of anything.

I help father out at the store when he's busy.

There's not much to do around here.

There's the inn, still.

- Well, may I take you to dinner there tonight?

- This is kind of sudden, isn't it?

I mean, we haven't seen each other for years.

- Well we're not exactly strangers.

Or have you forgotten?

- No.

I haven't forgotten.

- Then let me ask you again, may I take you tonight?

- Fine.

What time would you like to go?

- Oh, say eight o'clock.

- Eight o'clock will be fine.

You do remember where I live, don't you?

- Sure I do.

(upbeat music) - Evening, folks.

What'll you have, sir?

- What's in the kitchen?

- Well, we have a nice pot roast dinner tonight.

Could I interest you in that?

- Bring us a pot roast.

- Okay, coming right up.

- Things sure haven't changed much, have they?

- No.

Everything stays the same.

- This place really hasn't changed much.

Same before I left, and that's been quite some time ago.

- What have you been doing all this time?

- Well, traveling mostly.

When I got out of school, I'd always wanted to see the world, so my opportunity came and I jumped on it.

- Hey, look behind you.

See who's sitting with Frank Randolph's wife.

- Ain't none of my concern.

Besides, she ain't Frank's wife anymore anyhow.

- I think whenever you look and see who she's sitting with, that you're gonna change your mind.

That's right, that's him.

He come back a couple days ago.

- Well maybe it is some of my concern.

Your husband know you out, girl?

- I don't believe the lady's married.

- You shut up!

Your family don't own this town anymore.

(bottle breaks) - Come on, let's get out of here.

(calm music) A lot of people are still hostile against the family.

- Well, people used to feel they were owned by your father, and the town was.

I think the hostility has just carried over.

- I said earlier, things haven't changed around here, but they have.

Used to be there was people on the streets at night.

Tonight when we left Inn, the streets were empty.

- People are afraid to be out after dark.

- Why?

- Because of the wolves.

- There aren't any wolves.

- Oh, that may be true.

But there have been a few unsolved murders recently.

The coroner says it is the work of a large wild animal.

A few witnesses said it looked like a wolf.

I guess it's easy to blame it on the wolves.

- Ooh.

- You don't have to walk me to the door.

- Your father still doesn't like me, does he?

- He says you'll only cause trouble.

- That was a long time ago.

I was much younger then.

Besides, I didn't do anything any wilder than anyone else, now did I?

- I know.

Father's just become more set in his ways.

- I've become more set in my ways also.

- Will you be needing anything else before bed, Mr. Colin?

- No thank you.

(tense music) (intense eerie music) (deep voice speaks indistinctly) (Colin gasps) (Colin screams) - Hello and welcome back.

The family in this movie has fallen victim to some kind of curse.

Just as we've been cursed with watching this movie.

Of course, we all know curses aren't real.

- Oh, but they are, says I boss.

- No they're not, they're just the byproducts of superstition and fear.

Feeble minds, like yours, are susceptible to believing in nonsense like this.

There are no such things as real curses.

- But, but, what happens if you yourself find yourself the victim of a curse?

What if someone tells you they have placed a curse or even the whammy on you?

What do you do then?

- You laugh it off and go about your business.

- No, you get that curse removed as soon as possible.

- And how do you do that, exactly?

- I'm glad you asked.

Folks, for years, in order to have a curse removed, you had to track down some hoodoo man or some hag living alone by herself in the woods.

Or someone otherwise trained in the spookyfying arts.

- The spookyfying arts?

- Yes, boss, but those days are long passed.

- Are they now?

- Yes, yes they are.

Folks, Von Doren Cosmetics, Petrochemicals and Insecticides is proud to present the first three in one.

It's the only product that is a shampoo, a conditioner and a certified curse removing agent.

- And here we go.

- You're gonna wash that curse right out of your hair.

Yes, here we go indeed boss.

- All right, I'll play.

So tell me, does it come in different scents?

- It sure does, it comes in coconut, citrus, and sizzling bacon.

- Okay, la Marie la dork, tell me how it works.

- While showering or taking a bath, or getting hosed down in the yard, you simply lather, wait 45 minutes, rinse and repeat.

Special polymer chemicals bind to the curse molecules in your hair, and they are magically whooshed away when you rinse.

- You have to leave that goop on your head for 45 minutes?

- Yes, it is the fastest acting product available outside the curse belt in lower Bulgaria.

- No one's gonna buy that shampoo, Sapo.

- It's not just a shampoo, it's a three in one.

- Oh, Sapo.

- But wait, order now, don't make a decision just yet.

Order today and you will get our special patented denied miracle vegetable peeler, available in either right-handed or left-handed versions for people who wanna peel vegetables.

- What do vegetable peelers have to do with removing curses?

- Nothing, but we have three warehouses full of these things.

Our loss is their gain.

It costs just pennies per serving to remove a curse.

And when you're done, you can have a nice salad.

- Sapo, curses are just figments of the imagination.

It's all the power of suggestion.

Far too often, we attribute bad choices we make to curses or bad luck.

In this man's case, his bad choice was to come to town.

My bad choice, of course, was to hire you.

Shakespeare once said, the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves.

I disagree.

In my case, the fault lies in you.

Folks, let's get back to the only movie banned by the Geneva Convention.

"Wolfman," here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- So you see why I wanted to explain this to you in private.

Your father willed almost everything to you, under the condition that you remain here one month until Clement and Elizabeth are settled.

Of course, there's a fund to provide for them.

- This is a little hard for me to understand.

- Your father felt that Clement and Elizabeth just weren't able to handle the arrangements.

He trusted you to do the right thing with the estate.

As I said before, the will does require that you stay and see things are running smoothly.

- I can see why you wanted to discuss this in private, but I don't understand why my father didn't trust Clement and Elizabeth.

They were with him throughout all those years, and I hardly ever communicated.

- Well, Clement and Elizabeth have spent their lives here.

They've been isolated while you've been out in the world.

Maybe your father felt that your experience would come in handy.

I can't really say why the will is worded this way, but we'll have to abide with it.

So is there anything you're unclear on?

- No, not right now.

I would like to keep the will and go over it though.

- Oh.

Of course.

If there's any problems, just call on me.

- [Colin] I will.

- Goodbye, Colin.

I'll check by tomorrow.

- [Colin] Fine.

(door shuts) (tense music) It's forged.

Operator, could you get me Dr. George Tate please?

- I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral.

I was on a call.

You know, your father and I rarely saw one another lately.

However, I was shocked to hear of his death.

- So was I, that's why I'm here.

Something strange has happened and I feel like you were the only person I could talk to about it.

- What seems to be troubling you?

- It's the will.

When I arrived, Ethan Rowe asked me to go over it with him.

Something about it being over complicated.

- Hmm, that's unusual for him.

- That seems strange to me too.

But that's not why I'm here.

Anyway, we read through the will, and as Ethan was leaving, I asked could I keep and read it again.

In doing so, I found the signatures were unusual.

- [George] Unusual?

In what way?

- Well, they didn't match.

I took a document from his drawer and compared the two, completely different.

I'm positive the will's forged.

- May I see the signatures please?

- Yes, you can.

- You know, Colin?

These signatures are very different indeed.

But why would anyone want to forge this will?

Your father left almost everything to you.

- Well, there's definitely something strange going on.

Grandmother's locked in her room.

Every time I question Clement, he says she can't have visitors.

- It just doesn't make sense to me.

The last time I saw her, she looked fine.

If I were you, I'd look in on her.

(tense music) (door unlocks) (door squeaks open) - Grandmother?

Grandmother, are you here?

- Yes, Colin.

I'm here.

Please, go shut the door so that they won't be able to hear us.

Come over here by the window.

- I've been trying to see you ever since I arrived, but Clement wouldn't let me.

He kept telling me you were very ill. - Oh, I haven't been ill.

They keep me locked up here all the time.

They don't want me to talk to you because they're afraid that I'll tell you the truth.

- The truth?

- About the death of your father and why you're here.

- What do you mean?

- Your father was under a curse.

That's why they sent you away from here.

He didn't want you to ever find out about it.

They wanted to spare you from that.

- Spare me from what?

What curse are you talking about?

- Please try to understand.

I know that this is the most incredible thing that you have ever heard.

But please listen to me.

This family is under a curse.

It happened so many years ago that nobody can even remember when.

Your grandfather, your father, and now you'll be next unless you leave here right away.

- What will happen if I stay?

What's the nature of this curse?

- If you stay here, (tense music) you will become a murderer, a lycanthrope.

- A lycanthrope?

- A werewolf.

A man who turns into a wolf through the nature of a full moon.

Your father has.

And now you will unless you leave here right away.

- This is incredible.

How can you expect me to believe something like this?

- I don't expect you to believe it, but I beg you, please listen to me.

The Reverend Leonard killed your father with a silver dagger.

- Why did he do that?

- Because Leonard is the keeper of the curse.

Now don't you go near him.

He's evil, he worships the devil.

If you don't believe me, you just go find your father and look at his hands.

You will notice that his index finger is longer than all the others.

Now that's the mark of the werewolf.

- My father is dead and buried.

- You know what to do if you want to know the truth.

Go look at your father.

Look at him and then leave here and never come back.

Then you will be safe.

(thunder cracks) (Reverend Leonard shrieks with laughter) - [Leonard] Lucifer.

Mephistopheles.

Beelzebub!

I call on you to visit us.

Tonight we ask that henceforth, the curse lying on the Glasgow family be the burden of the eldest son.

- Look at his hands.

Then you'll know.

Then you'll know.

Look at his hands.

Go find your father, you'll know it.

(Colin screams) (clock chimes) (thunder cracks) (thunder cracks) (thunder cracks) (wolf howls) (thunder cracks) (thunder cracks) (wolf howls) (Colin hisses) (wolf howls) (wolf growls) (Colin screams) - Hello and welcome back.

So this is every bit the hillbilly horror show I said it would be, isn't it?

- I'm just a little bit confused here, boss.

- And I'm wearing a red suit.

Tell us something we don't know.

- In this movie, in this movie, they are saying the guy became a werewolf because someone put a curse on his family?

- Yes, and one of his fingers is longer than the other one or something like that.

I don't know.

- But that's not how it happened to Mittens.

- How did it happen to him?

- Well it's an interesting story.

Years ago, he and I went on a back packing tour of Europe.

We had saved up all summer and we planned everything down to the very last detail.

We were in a bar, just drinking sodas, and playing darts with some of the locals, and these guys told us to stay off of the moors.

But I didn't even know what a moor was, so we left the bar and Mittens wanted to go one way, and I wanted to go the other way of course.

So I thought we could save time by cutting across this field.

There was a full moon, so we could see pretty good- - Sapo, Sapo?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes?

- This story sounds suspiciously like the plot to "An American Werewolf in London."

- Wow.

You know, Mittens, maybe you and I could sue those guys for stealing our story.

- Or maybe you're just making this up 'cause you don't know what happened to him.

- Oh, wait, I remember now.

Now I remember.

I don't know why I was saying that.

His grandmother told me the time she and I went on our honeymoon in Las Vegas.

See, every 400 years, a werewolf is born into his family.

So when the moon shined its light on little Mittens Giddensburg that day, he was changed into- - No, no, no, no.

No, sir, that was a cartoon.

"Fang Face."

- Oh.

Mittens, do you remember how it happened?

Okay.

He says, wait, the last thing he remembers is a guy sneezing?

Was it sneezing on him?

On a greyhound bus, and he woke up and he had werewolfism.

- I honestly don't think that's how it happened.

- Oh wait a minute, we're both nuts tonight.

I remember now.

He was trying to rescue a lady named Ginny from a wolf attack, and the wolf bit him on the chest.

A lady named, was it Maleva?

Maleva told him that he would turn into- - Sapo, that's how it happened to Lon Chaney Jr in that movie.

- Deja vu, I guess?

- Whatever.

Sapo, it doesn't matter how he became a werewolf, what matters is how he acts as a werewolf.

He's a great guy, and only bites people we tell him to bite.

He's not like the ones in the movies.

And he's most definitely not like the slobbering boob in this movie.

Speaking of movies, let's get back to "Wolfman" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(birds chirp) (door knocks) (door knocks) - Yeah, what is it?

- [Luther] I have your breakfast tray.

Would you like for me to bring it in now?

- No, take it away.

- [Luther] As you like, sir.

(tense music) - It's impossible.

- Paying your respects, Mr. Colin?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Colin, you startled me.

- Sorry.

- Sit down and relax a minute.

What's bothering you, son?

- I saw grandmother last night.

- [George] How was she?

- Well, at first, I thought she was crazy.

Now I'm not so sure it isn't the other way around.

- Why do you say that?

- It's what she told me.

She said my family was cursed and that my father had died so that I could inherit the curse.

- A curse?

Did she say what sort of curse?

- Yes.

She said I would become a wolf.

- [George] A werewolf?

- That's it.

- [George] A man who becomes a wolf during the full moon.

- You've heard of it?

What do you know about them?

- I know that people in some of the less enlightened parts of Europe believe in them.

They believe that during the full moon, a man takes on the full characteristics of a wolf.

His soul becomes totally evil.

The curse can be ended only by death.

Supposedly, you can tell a werewolf during the daylight hours by his elongated index finger.

- That's what my grandmother said.

She said that my father was a werewolf and that Reverend Leonard had stabbed him with a silver dagger.

- Colin, perhaps the strain of your father's death and you coming home has played tricks on your mind.

- It's not the mind.

This is really happening.

- If this story upsets you so much, I'm sure that I can prove to you that there's no basis for truth in it.

- How can you do that?

- If you're serious, I'll have the coroner exhume the body.

- I've already looked.

- What?

- I dug up the grave last night.

I had to know.

My grandmother was right.

Only now, I'm not sure what really happened.

When I opened up the coffin, I was attacked by a wolf.

- Or maybe a large dog?

- No, it was a wolf.

- Maybe I ought to have a look at the wounds then.

- There are no wounds.

I woke up this morning and they were gone.

- This should only go to assure you that this is nothing but a bad dream.

- It wasn't a bad dream.

It was real.

I know what a dream's like.

- And I know the tricks that a mind can play when under pressure.

Colin, I'm gonna give you a sedative.

Get some sleep and tomorrow, I'm sure things will look different.

I'm gonna get you pills.

Wait here.

I'll be right back.

(tense music) (bird chirps) - Colin, take one of... Colin?

Colin.

No.

(church bell chimes) - Would you care for some more?

- Yes, thank you.

(door opens) - Colin.

I hope you don't mind but I invited your visitor to stay and have some tea while we waited for you.

I thought you'd be back soon.

- No, it's all right.

- Well, we'll be leaving you two alone.

- Good day.

- I'm sure we'll be seeing you later this evening.

- I had to come.

I hadn't heard from you and I was worried.

- I'm sorry I didn't come back.

Something came up and I'm having to leave sooner than I thought.

- You're leaving?

When?

- I'm leaving tonight.

- I don't understand.

Your cousins didn't say anything about your leaving.

- They haven't heard.

They're part of the reason I'm leaving.

- Can you tell me what's wrong?

- No, I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't tell you now.

- What's happened?

- Go home, go now and promise me you'll stay there.

- But why?

- Just go.

- Why?

- Promise me.

- All right.

(tense music) - Dear Lord protect you Colin.

(wolf growls) (wolf howls) (wolf howls) (wolf howls) - What is it?

- Shh.

I don't know.

It sounds like a wolf.

(wolf grunts and growls) (tense music) - It's on the porch!

(woman screams) Is it dead?

- It has to be.

(woman screams) - No!

No!

(woman screams) (bird chirps) (suspenseful music) - Hello and welcome back again.

We hope you're making it through "Wolfman" somehow."

- Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss.

Is the name of this movie "Wolfman" or "The Wolfman?"

- It's "Wolfman."

"The Wolf Man" was a great movie which came out in 1941, starring Claude Rains and Lon Chaney Jr.

There was also a movie called "The Wolf Man" which came out in 1923.

That particular film, unfortunately, is lost to time.

But I wish this film could've suffered the same fate.

- Goodness gracious, how many wolf man movies have there been?

How many have been made?

- Well, if you count this one, one too many.

- What is the appeal of the werewolf or the wolfman movie?

I mean, I love Mittens to death, but I don't think he's worthy of a movie.

- Sure he is.

Why I bet millions of people would line up for blocks to see the Mittens story.

I know I would.

- You know, since we're pals, I bet he would let me in for free.

- Nope, he says if you wanna see the show, you gotta cough up the dough.

- Dang.

You know, I knew this movie is bad, but I would bet up to $3 on the fact that there are some good werewolf movies out there.

- Oh certainly, there's lots of good werewolf movies.

There's the whole Universal Studios run of werewolf movies.

There's "An American Werewolf in London."

Hammer Films made a great one called "The Curse of the Werewolf."

I might even add in 1981's "Wolf" into the list.

Then there's "The Howling."

You could catch a different werewolf movie every day for 50 years and never run out.

I haven't even mentioned Paul Naschy yet.

- I bet there is quite a list, now that you mention it.

- Yes, and yet, you brought us this one.

- I never knew there were so many horror movies out there about werewolves.

- There's also been comedy werewolf movies, such as "The Monster Squad" in 1987, or "Teen Wolf" in 1985.

Although to be fair, I don't remember much laughing in the audience when I saw "Teen Wolf."

- What about "Twilight?"

- Oh, what about it?

- I loved it.

- I'm sure you did.

You know, it occurred to me, I think tonight's movie might be significant in the sense that it's one of the last to use a time lapse to show the transformation from man to werewolf.

- Timed laps, like when you're running laps?

- No, dumbie.

Time lapse.

Basically, they take a shot, pause, add the effect, pause, take another shot, pause, and so forth- - That sounds complicated.

- Yeah, and so forth, and when they stitch it all together, it looks like one seamless transition from man to werewolf.

- They didn't have to work very hard with this guy, he's got more hair on his back than George "The Animal" Steele.

I've never seen a man that hairy.

- True, they saved a lot of money by using his own body hair.

- How do other movies do it?

- Well, makeup artists like Rick Baker would spend months planning and executing the perfect effect when it came to transitioning from man to wolf.

When Baker did "An American Werewolf in London," the growing of the werewolf hair was shot in reverse, as Baker pulled the hair through a piece of rubber, which when projected in reverse, made it look like it was growing out of him.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, boss.

The fly wheel is turning up here.

Maybe we could use that technique and make a commercial for a shammed up baldness cure.

We could hire a guy and- - Hold on, Ron Popeil, hold on.

Let's focus on the movie and not one of your failing to get rich quick schemes.

- I think we could make a lot of money with this, with this baldness cure, but you're the boss.

For this movie, it looks like they just glued hair from a barbershop floor on the guy's face.

Hey, hey, maybe we could glue hair on bald guys.

- Forget the baldness cure.

We can circle back once the movie is over and workshop some ideas.

Gluing things like yak hair to actors was often used as a technique.

Nowadays, they'd do things like, you know, computer generated imagery or CGI, which for my money, isn't nearly as good.

Speaking of not nearly as good, let's get back to the worst werewolf movie ever made, "Wolfman" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- I'm gonna get to work on that baldness commercial.

- Nope, just get back to the movie.

- Coroner EM White said that the nature of the crime and the animal tracks leading from the site indicated no foul play of a human nature.

- I tell you, it was me.

My grandmother was right.

Reverend Leonard put a curse on me.

And when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf.

- Colin, I've told you that these werewolf tales are mythical.

It's impossible for a man to take on such characteristics.

- But I did.

I had blood all over my shirt this morning.

- Might I see this shirt?

- No, no, it's impossible.

I burned it.

- Colin, the only curse over you is in your head.

There's a full moon tonight.

Lynn and I will stay with you, and in the morning, we will be living proof that nothing has happened.

- There's a chamber and a cell at the house.

We can go there.

We can enter through a tunnel below the house, no one will see us.

- I'm willing if Lynn agrees.

- I guess it's the only way.

(tense music) - Here's the chamber.

Those are the stairs that lead up to the house.

- We'd better hurry, Colin.

It's getting dark.

- Are you sure you want to go through with this?

- I'm sure.

- Don't worry, we'll have this werewolf business over tonight.

(wolf growls) (Luther screams) We have to get back to the buggy.

We can't help him 'til daylight.

(wolf bangs at door) (Elizabeth whimpers) (Elizabeth screams) - No!

(thunder cracks) Back!

Back!

Get out of here!

Get back!

Ah!

No!

No!

No, no!

(Clement screams) (wolf growls) - He's down there!

(guns fire) (guns fire) - It'll be morning soon.

We'll find him then.

(thunder cracks) (upbeat music) - Now let me tell you something.

Okay, there are more types of cheese than just Velveeta.

- There's not.

No, there's not.

- Yes, there's lots.

There's cheddar... Oh, we're down here.

Hello, my friends, and welcome back.

We're here once again in the sub, sub, sub, sub basement of the television studio with the mysterious curator, who is in charge of The Merrill Movie Museum, and he's brought us another prop today.

I'm interested to see what this is.

It kind of looks like El Sapo, but I don't think it is him.

- Well, you know, I think Jack Nicholson would be terribly insulted by that comparison.

- He is one great golfer, by the way.

PGA Champion.

- Not Jack Nicholas, you moron.

Jack Nicholson.

- Different guy.

- Academy Award winning actor.

This was a mask made from a cast of his face.

This was done for the movie "Wolf," in which he played a werewolf.

Yes, Jack Nicholson played a werewolf.

I don't know how many people actually saw that movie.

- Not many.

- But makeup effects by the great Rick Baker, of course.

And this is kind of the first step to any time you see a main actor on screen that's going to be doing a role where there's a lot of transformation or facial appliances or big make up or anything like that, is they've gotta get a cast of that actor.

So think of an actor, you know, as prominent and big as Jack Nicholson.

- I can't.

Christian Slater.

- Almost.

Spending a day in a chair with his entire head covered in plaster or some kind of, you know, substance like that.

- It's not as fun as it sounds.

- It's kind of what Sapo does on the weekends.

- It's true.

- Eyes closed.

- Breathing through a straw, or straws in his nose.

That sort of thing.

Any actor that's doing that kind of role, they're going through that.

So you know, sometimes people suffer for their art.

This is what they're suffering through that.

But they've gotta be able to do that so they can get the cast of his face, and then make the appliances that are gonna specifically fit the character.

- Now is he bald.

The actor, is he bald?

- Balding, I think is at least fair to say.

- But don't they cover his head with kind of a cap or something, so when they're making these casts.

He doesn't shave his head for the- - He doesn't shave his head?

- No, for the cast.

- Right, right.

So they would make that and then, you know, if there's a scene that's gonna be used in a transformation, they might progressively make masks that show more of the transformation, or see where the appliances are gonna go on, that sort of thing.

And this is, you know, a relic of making that particular film.

- Well this is sort of where we started.

This is tabula rasa.

This is kind of the blank slate where they start to build those appliances, and we see the hair and the other things are added, and a line to the face so that when he does do that transformation scene in the movie, which it's a pretty good transformation in the movie, it's not a particularly good movie, but it is a good transformation, as Rick Baker, you know, of course going back to "American Werewolf in London," given the first Academy Award for special effects for that film, he knows how to make a werewolf, that's for sure.

So this would just be used for them to basically play with, essentially, and kind of develop their stuff.

- Yeah, well, when you get to like...

This particular mask though I think was probably definitely worn by somebody.

If you look on the back, you can see there's a slit up the back.

That would have been so somebody could get their head in there.

So it may have been used for maybe a stunt actor that was taking his place for the transformation.

He may not have done that alone.

But as you can see, there's holes cut there for the ears to be able to hear.

And of course, the eyes, nose.

- He is not an attractive man.

- Well, you know, nobody's gonna be attractive when they're covered in a mask like this.

Sometimes it's a protection.

- Now do you think I could go put this on and go to a Lakers game and sit court side, and would anybody know that it was not Jack Nicholson?

Maybe I could go get in free that way, get some free popcorn, drinks, something like that?

- Well I think this looks about 25 years younger than Jack is today, so maybe not so much.

- You know, the screen adds 20 years, so people wouldn't be able to tell.

They'd think I was just, you know, I'm still looking pretty good for the age that I was, I think.

So maybe I'll do that.

So what... You know, this is kind of the blank canvas here.

You said maybe used for the transformation, so what kind of materials would they use for like the hair and stuff?

In general, what kind did they use for hair?

- I mean, it would depend on the production and where the piece is gonna be used, but sometimes they'll use real human hair.

Sometimes they'll use yak hair is very, very common.

Sometimes it's just a synthetic- - Cat hair?

- No.

- No, not cat hair.

- Well, I wanna thank you again for bringing us such a fascinating piece.

We have a little bit of Jack Nicholson here.

You know, he's been on the show before.

He was in "The Terror."

But this is another interesting piece to look at tonight.

And let's get back to the movie here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- He's got awfully small ears.

(church bells ring) (birds chirp) (wolf growls and wheezes) - There he is!

- Colin, are you all right?

- The hunters are after me.

- Hunters?

- Colin, you've gotta get up.

You must run.

- No, I can't.

Find Reverend Leonard.

He did this.

- You just get up nice and easy and come with us.

Don't do anything to make us have to shoot you.

You got quite a few questions to answer.

- Let's go.

Are you ready to talk now?

- I can't remember.

- You mean you killed five people and you can't remember?

- I can't remember, I didn't kill those people.

A wolf did.

(man laughs) - You mean you made it look like a wolf.

- A werewolf killed those people.

- Oh, what do you think?

- I got three more dead at the house.

Found a live one too.

Your grandmother.

Locked in an attic.

What did you get from him?

- Nothing that makes any sense, sheriff.

We've questioned him for hours, all we get is a ghost story.

But he sticks to it.

He keeps repeating it over and over.

- What possessed you to kill those people?

- I told them, I didn't do it.

A werewolf did.

- A what?

- A werewolf.

A man that can turn into a wolf.

He claims he was cursed to become a wolf and kill people.

- I almost believed it.

I don't see how any one human being could do what I saw in that house.

- [Lynn] Where does this Reverend Leonard live?

- Next to the cemetery, in an old two story house.

I've heard stories about the Reverend, but I assumed they were just gossip.

Until now, that is.

After what I've seen, I don't know what to believe anymore.

Whoa, Midnight.

(suspenseful music) Are you sure you wanna go in?

- Yes.

I'm sure.

- All right.

Stay close to me.

Leonard!

Leonard!

- [Leonard] Doctor Tate.

I expected you sooner.

How may I be of service to you?

- You know how.

What have you done to Colin Glasgow?

- [Leonard] Come upstairs and we'll discuss it.

- Stay right behind me.

(Lynn screams) - Sorry if I startled you, Mrs. Randolph.

Now Dr. Tate, what is it you wish of me?

- You know why I'm here.

I don't know how you've done it or why you've done it, but I want you to break whatever curse you've put on Colin.

- You flatter me, Dr. Tate.

Do I understand that you're going to take me to the sheriff and tell him that I've put a curse on one of your patients?

You can't frighten me.

As a matter of fact, you don't have anything powerful enough to frighten me with.

- Don't underestimate me- - Gah!

(George groans) (Lynn moans) Now one more matter to dispose of.

Come with me.

(Lynn screams) (bottle breaks) (Leonard screams) Don't try to hide from me!

I'll find you anywhere you go!

Lynn, there's no use running.

I'll find you.

(Lynn screams) - Why are you doing this?

- You heard Tate.

He called me a demon!

He was quite right!

- What are you gonna do with me?

- I won't let you go, that's certain.

I'm taking you to the Glasgow house.

- Why?

- When the police find your body, they'll just add it to the long list of Colin's victims.

And you best keep quiet.

'Cause if you scream, I'll kill you where you stand.

- Hello and welcome back.

"Wolfman," huh?

The action's starting to pick up, I guess.

- It is, and you know, I've been watching a lot of movies about monsters attacking people, and I think a lot of people could profit from my years of experience fighting.

- You mean years of experience losing?

- Hey, those who can't do, teach, and I am prepared to teach the average person how to defend themselves from any monster attack out there.

- Oh boy.

- Good people, I know most of you are content living happy lives, innocent carefree lives, lives full of joy and happiness.

And toaster pastries.

And contentment.

But do you know the threat posed by monsters?

- There's no threat.

- A werewolf attack could happen literally at any minute.

- No, no, no.

- Or maybe Dracula has it out for you, or maybe the Mummy.

Good Lord, the Mummy.

He could be lurking in your sock drawer.

- He's not.

- But he could be.

He could be.

They are all threats.

Even that Frankenstein fella.

- Sapo, I'm gonna tell you again, the doctor was named Frankenstein, the creature was not named Frankenstein.

- I've got no specific beef with the doctor.

- Do you wanna wrap this up?

- My point is, you never know when a monster's gonna leap out of a closet or a swamp or even an open grave and attack you.

- That only happens in movies.

- But it could happen.

It could happen.

And the only thing between you and a werewolf's belly is what you'll learn from me.

- What?

Werewolves don't eat people.

- Oh, but they do, says I.

They do.

Folks, my five hour course is now available on expanded betamax.

- Betamax, huh?

- Yes, nothing but the best.

Yes, after years of litigation, name calling, finger pointing and muttered curses aimed at yours truly, I can once again offer self-defense against monsters the El Sapo way.

- The El Sapo way?

So it teaches them how to run away, play dead like a possum or cry like a school girl?

- Those are but a few of my special techniques.

After watching my tape, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of an eagle, the speed of a sloth, and the wisdom of a man.

- A dull witted man.

- I'll teach you to be prepared at all times.

I'll tell you the equipment you need to keep yourself safe.

First, there's the clothes.

Get yourself a fine jacket like this.

You think any vampire wants a punch in the belly while I'm wearing this bad boy?

- That jacket makes you look like the maître d' at Taco Bell.

- But wait, wait.

Don't answer yet.

I'll also teach you the patented mirror technique.

Since we all know werewolves can't see themselves in the mirror- - That's vampires.

Werewolves can see themselves in the mirror.

Look at Mittens' hair.

He spends more time looking in the mirror than anyone else on Earth, and man, it pays off.

Just look how handsome he is.

- Are you sure?

I was sure werewolves couldn't see their reflections.

I'm gonna have to revise some of these training modules, I guess.

Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Can a mummy see its reflection?

- Yes.

- Huh.

- Hmm.

- So your entire program is built around cheap jackets and a dime store hand mirror?

- Well, not all of it.

I mean, there's also the chemical section.

I will teach you the deep, dark secrets of chemical warfare.

No vampire will ever get close enough to snatch you when you wear El Sapo brand garlic brand perfume.

- Few people wanna smell like garlic.

Even less of them wanna smell like you.

- That's just propaganda put out by the vampire lobby.

They know garlic scares off vampires.

- It scares off people too.

Sapo, this whole enterprise is silly.

Monsters are no threat.

Do you think Mittens here is ever gonna attack anyone?

- No, but he's one of the good ones boss.

- Oh, so every other werewolf is bad except the one you know.

Do you see how flawed that type of thinking is?

- But the werewolf in this movie attacked those people.

- Did you see those people?

Do you not agree they had it coming?

- When you're right, you're right.

You got me there.

- Just put that stuff away and let's get back to the movie.

- Oh, no, no, no, boss.

I saved the best part for last.

I haven't shown you my special mummy killing stake.

All you have to do is drive this into the heart of the mummy- - That's not how you kill a mummy, that's how you kill a vampire.

Folks, let's get back to the movie while dollar store Van Helsing here cleans this mess up.

- I don't care what you believe anymore.

Find Dr. Tate.

He'll tell you it's true.

- The coroner's looking for Dr. Tate now, but I doubt seriously he'll back up your story.

- I can't find him, sheriff.

- Then find Lynn Randolph, she was with us.

- I just saw her on the road.

She and Reverend Leonard were heading toward the Glasgow place.

(tense music) - Leonard!

- [Sheriff] He's getting away!

(guns fire) (Lynn screams) (Lynn cries) - No!

No!

- You better stop spraying and start praying, it won't be long now.

- No!

- Get in there!

- No!

- Help me!

Someone help me!

(indistinct shouting) - You can save your breath.

It's over now.

- [Lynn] No!

No!

- You!

(Leonard shouts) - I'll kill you, just the way I killed your father.

This knife in your heart will destroy you!

No.

No!

No.

(wolf growls) No.

(Leonard screams) No!

(Lynn screams) - No!

No!

(downbeat music) Colin.

- Well that's the end of that.

I'm pleased to say the movie is over.

- Boss, this movie made no sense whatsoever.

- You're just now realizing this?

Wow, and only a few moments after the movie ended.

Nice job.

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past you, huh?

- Being around you pays off, boss.

- As much as it pains me to say it, you're right.

This movie makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm not even sure what time period it's supposed to be.

The houses have a mixture of oil lamps and electric lights.

- Yeah, and when that couple in the cabin got killed, you can see a power meter on the front of their house.

- Indeed.

Additionally, the townsfolk have accents that span the chasm between deep woods hick and Russian mobster.

- Like that doctor, when he talks in that Jackie Mason voice.

"Look, he's a werewolf now.

"Half man, half wolf, half hick."

- That's three halves.

- He's a big man.

(Mittens imitates rimshot sound on table) - Did you get a look at the angry mob chasing him through the woods?

- Yeah, one of those guys was wearing a Molly Hatchet t-shirt.

- And I swear I saw an RC Cola truck driving by in the background.

This was an odd movie at best.

I couldn't tell you where it took place or even when it took place.

- But that ain't the real mystery, is it?

- No, no, the real mystery is why it took place.

This movie was an awful waste of time.

I bet half the cast was in this movie because they were out on work release and this was the punishment the judge gave them.

- You know, in all fairness, I gotta take the blame for this one.

- Of course you do, you found the movie.

- I'll do better in the future.

- Really?

What do you have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss.

(tense eerie music) - [Narrator] When a house boat is stricken by a meteor in the swamps of Florida, it signals the arrival of the alien dead.

The alligators weren't enough to sustain their hunger for flesh and blood, so the alien dead set their sights on the inhabitants of a small town.

When the alien dead find you, you will be deader than mother's day at an orphanage.

The alien dead are here now.

(woman screams) Are you prepared?

- [Crowd] Alien dead.

Alien dead.

- Uh, Sapo?

- Yes, sir?

- Does that curse remover stuff really work?

- Yes, it's got the El Sapo seal of approval.

- So it really removes curses?

- Indeed, and it also shampoos and conditions your hair.

- Then slather me and Mittens' down with that stuff, someone has definitely placed a curse on us.

Folks, we're gonna get busy ridding ourselves of whatever bad mojo has hexed us.

And until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(thunder cracks) (upbeat music)