Being a Good Neighbor: Talking About Race With Kids

Many white parents like myself grew up in “colorblind” families, which has left us wondering: If we were taught not to see race, how do we talk to our own kids about racism?

I’ve learned that a big part of helping my kids learn about standing up to racism is doing the work of educating myself. Thanks to Black and brown parents who have shared their experiences and graciously educated me along the way, I’m continually learning that when we pretend not to see skin color, we erase beautiful parts of ourselves and others. (Here are benefits of teaching our kids to see race!)

Part of being a good neighbor is seeing your neighbor.

Talking about racism with young children may feel daunting to white parents, but as headline after headline has shown us this past year, parents of color don’t have the privilege of simply learning about racism — they’re living it.

For many families, 2020 brought conversations about racism into the forefront for everyone, leading some moms and dads to break down complex societal and systemic issues with their children for the first time. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m reminded that it’s okay to be learning and growing, and that having hard conversations is much less harmful to my kids (and others’ kids) than ignoring that racism exists.

Something that has helped me incorporate ways of talking about racial injustice with my kids? Simply laying down my assumptions and listening to those who don’t look like me.

For all of the collective pain we’ve held during this pandemic, I’m continually grateful for the ways I can connect with others from home. PBS’ American Portrait storytelling project has provided glimpses into the lived experiences of a diverse array of moms and dads across the United States throughout this moment in history. As I’ve watched their videos and read their stories, I’ve felt my worldview broaden. What a gift we have in each other! Their honesty and vulnerability is helping me grow in empathy, and I hope to pass that onto my kids.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned from other parents:

Sometimes, I feel like I’m taking away a bit of childhood innocence when I talk about scary things with my kids. Rhea’s story is particularly moving. For the safety and care of her son, she doesn’t have the option of being “colorblind” or opting out of talking about racism. She lives in Colorado and shared what it’s like to talk about racism with her Black son. “What keeps me up at night is my four children,” she said. “Recently, I had to have a very difficult conversation with my fourteen year old son, about how society might perceive him as a Black boy.”

Creating open lines of honest communication in developmentally-appropriate language with all children — even the youngest among us — is crucial to equipping our kids to understand the ways in which our societies operate. As a mom to four children myself, I’ve learned that parenting is one of my strongest ways to undo racist systems and make my neighborhood, city, country, and even world a more safe, welcoming place for all kids and families.

Christina, a teacher in Hawaii, encourages grown-ups to be proactive in talking with kids about racism — not just waiting for a tragic event to do so. By preemptively talking about racism on an individual and structural level, we can live out our values, showing the little ones in our lives that it matters to us that all people are treated equitably. As Christina puts it, “We can help raise a generation of students who are willing to have courageous conversations about race.” From where she sits as a teacher, she has seen how helpful it is in showing kids that she is always learning and growing, too. Ask questions like, “Why do you think what you think? Are you willing to listen to each other? How can you listen to voices you might not have heard before?”

Edward is a dad from Illinois, and he shared that this past year revealed some fears for his Asian children. “I won’t be there to protect them,” he shared when wondering if his kids might experience racially-motivated harm at school or in the community. He shared that the extra time his family has spent together in the past year due to the pandemic has helped soothe some of those fears. As a parent, I’m asking myself: “How do I raise my kids so that other parents do not have to fear for their children?”

I have the honor of parenting through birth and transracial adoption, and I’m continually learning new ways I’ve gotten it wrong, how to repair damage, and ways I can do better next time. Growing is a good thing and I’m dedicated to doing the daily work of erasing the bits of colorblindness I have had the privilege of holding onto, and raising my Black and white children to be anti-racist — which means I have to do the lifelong work of being anti-racist myself.

As a family, we’re committed to letting our listening ears move us toward working hands that create a more compassionate world together. What might be your one next step in educating yourself and talking with the little ones in your life about racism? Share your story on American Portrait.