ANNOUNCER: Coming up, a special two-hour feature-length version of the 1973 landmark series An American Family.

This 12-hour cinéma vérité documentary series captured the daily lives of the Loud family of Santa Barbara, California and fascinated American audiences.

You knew what you were going to get into when you had five kids, -or you should have had some idea.

-PAT: I didn't know -what I was getting into.

-What did you think we were going to be, the Five Little Peppers?

ANNOUNCER: TV Guide designated the series one of the 50 Greatest Television Shows of All Time.

Stay tuned for An American Family, Anniversary Edition.

This program was made possible by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER 2: Produced in New York by WNET.

CRAIG GILBERT: Located on the slope of the Santa Ynez Mountains, Santa Barbara faces south on the Pacific Ocean, 90 miles north of Los Angeles.

This is the setting for our series.

The series is about the William C. Loud family of Santa Barbara, California.

For seven months, from May 30, 1971 to January 1, 1972, the family was filmed as they went about their daily routine.

There is no question that the presence of our camera crews and their equipment had an effect on the Louds, one which is impossible to evaluate.

It is equally true that the Louds had an effect on us, the filmmakers, for this was a cooperative venture in every sense of the word.

The Louds are neither average nor typical.

No family is.

They are not the American family, they are simply an American family.

♪ ♪ (theme music playing) ♪ ♪ GILBERT: Today is December 31, 1971, the last day that our camera crews filmed the William C. Loud family.

In the house at 35 Woodale Lane, the children are preparing for tonight's New Year's Eve party.

This New Year's will be unlike any other that has been celebrated at 35 Woodale Lane.

For the first time, the family will not be spending it together.

Pat Loud and her husband Bill separated four months ago, after 20 years of marriage.

Did she hear you?

(Michele singing indistinctly) GILBERT: In Downtown Santa Barbara, Bill Loud has just returned to his office after spending Christmas in Hawai'i.

Lance Loud, who is 20 years old, has been living in New York for the past nine months.

DELILAH: Hey, Mom wants to talk to you, okay?

-LANCE: Oh, good.

-Hey, it's nice talking to you, Lance.

-Yeah, it was nice.

Yeah.

-GRANT: Is that Lance?

-DELILAH: Pat.

-PAT: Hey, Lance?

-DELILAH: Well, here's Mom, okay?

-LANCE: Bye.

-PAT: Happy New Year.

-LANCE: Hi, honey.

-How are you?

-Pretty well.

How are you?

Where are you?

Uh, I'm down in The Village.

-Are you having a wonderful time?

-Well, I'm having a nice time.

Are you, are you making, uh, great resolutions for the new year?

Mm, no.

I've decided resolutions are...

Uh, they're like smoking.

They're bad for your health, and they're addictive.

-(laughs) Well, yes.

-But, anyway, um...

So, like, everybody's gonna have a big party, huh?

That's right, we're really going to have -a huge, huge party.

-Oh, that's good.

(cheering, applause) -Happy New Year!

-♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪ ♪ Be forgot ♪ ♪ And never brought to mind ♪ ♪ Should Old Acquaintance be forgot ♪ ♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪ (cheering, whistling) GILBERT: This is how the year ended at 35 Woodale Lane.

Our story begins at 6:30 on a late spring morning.

PAT: French scholar.

Got to get up.

I'll go get them.

(indistinct chatter, thumping) PAT: Just a little bit.

Do you hear those birds singing out there these days, Michele?

The cat is not taking care of the birds, Michele.

PAT: Daddy's very worried about the upset in the balance of nature.

BILL: Granty, what's that, um, what-what are they gonna do with that, uh, film you're making?

-On, uh... -Show it for the school on Wednesday.

You're just gonna show it in the school on Wednesday?

The whole school.

BILL: You did the sequence on the garbage cans?

-Yeah.

-With the two garbage cans falling in love?

No, it wasn't even falling in love, it was just two garbage cans making love.

-I don't know.

-(laughs) -BILL: Good morning.

-Hello.

Do you think, do you think we can drive that Datsun down into the garden?

-Over there?

-Yeah.

-(laughs) No.

-You don't think so?

You got a big hill you got to go down there.

-GRANT: We can get close.

-About a 45-degree angle.

BILL: Mr. McCloskey says that we can buy a pickup load of, uh, cow manure down at Ventura for a dollar.

(chuckles) Right.

-And, uh... -That's fantastic.

Inasmuch as school is out next week, well... MICHELE: Do you guys have to shovel it?

KEVIN: Well, we'll pick it up and we'll just -shovel it.

-(Bill chuckles) BILL: Kevin, you remember the-the story about the balance of nature and how-how, uh, when birds, too many birds come in, when the insects come in and take over the-- too many insects and the birds take over and then too many birds, well, the... -predatory bird-- animals take over?

-Yeah.

(coughs) Well, the same thing has happened in the backyard.

(laughs): Oh, forget it.

There's nothing happening in that backyard but weeds.

-(laughter) -No, Dad, no.

(Kevin imitates cat meowing) GILBERT: Bill Loud is the president of his own company, American Western Foundries, which sells replacement parts for the heavy equipment used in strip mining.

-You can really, uh, you can watch the whole thing happen.

-Yeah.

-Beautiful.

-BILL: Gee, that's beautiful, isn't it?

(soft music playing) GILBERT: This is the Chelsea Hotel in New York City, where Lance Loud has been living for the past two months.

LANCE: New York h-has so many things that really do interest me or that could interest me, that, for my own, for my own good, I think that I'll just have to stay here.

I have two brothers and two sisters.

Kevin, Grant, Delilah and Michele.

Kevin?

He seems to be... the most humane person in the family.

He's the only brother-- or the only member in the family who, whenever anybody else has a birthday, he buys a present for them.

He's cau-- he's torn between so many worlds, too.

He wants to be hip, but... Dad wants-wants him to be, you know, the image of his own self.

Delilah is really... she's just becoming aware of boys and... Delilah's not very aggressive.

She seems to be taking the role of, you know, sort of like very pretty, like Tricia Nixon or something.

Well, Tricia Nix-Nixon with spice.

And, uh, then Michele, I think, of all my brothers and sisters, she is... the only one that was made in the image of me.

She's selfish and... and snotty, and oh, she's just really a great person.

She's r-really hard to get along with.

She's very, um, apart from everyone else.

Grant is, um, I suppose he's talented, but he always was a very showmanship-type person.

But, I think, uh, of all the people, he's the most arrogant and hard to get along with 'cause... Not a-a lack of feeling toward other people.

He doesn't like people.

He's really funny when he's nice, though, he-- oh, oh, I don't know, he's very amusing.

I'm getting excited.

-BRAD (over phone): Why?

-About the party.

Excitement is growing.

Tension in the air.

(chuckles) Yeah, well, I have to get dressed, too, you know.

Oh, how many minutes does that take?

Well, I-I have to get my face ready.

(exhales) Which it obviously is not right now.

(chuckles) (grunts softly) (tongue clicking) (tongue clicks) ("Summertime Blues" by Eddie Cochran playing) (laughs) ♪ I'm gonna take two weeks ♪ ♪ Gonna have a fine vacation ♪ ♪ I'm gonna take my problem to the United Nations ♪ ♪ You know, I called my congressman and he said ♪ ♪ "I'd like to help you, son, but you're too young to vote" ♪ ♪ Sometimes I wonder what I'm a-gonna do ♪ ♪ But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues ♪ ♪ Ain't no cure... ♪ (indistinct chatter) -Bill Loud.

-Raj Marani.

-Glad to know you, Raj.

-Same here.

-PAT: I love it.

I'll take that one.

-There we go.

-PAT: Thank you.

-See you later.

(laughter) That's the line.

That's the word.

"See you later," yeah.

(laughter) RAJ: Try one of these things.

Geez, I love your, uh... -It's fantastic.

-WOMAN: I had my wig on the other day.

-But this is... -Yeah, that's y-- that's the real you.

(overlapping chatter) Is she in town-- is she in town now, Marlene?

Or, um, is she just going through?

-MARLENE: Who, Millie?

-Yeah.

-She's in town.

-BILL: Is she?

MARLENE: She's-- oh, you should see her.

What do you care for, Bill?

-BILL: Oh, I... -(laughter) MAN: Whoop.

BILL: I just want to authenticate everything, Pat, and make sure that we have all our records straight.

(laughter) Well, for the record, she's just passing through.

-(laughter) -MAN: She does-- what?

(brakes squeaking, horns honking) SOREN: Could I have 688-4140, please?

GILBERT: Lance is sharing a room with a friend named Soren Agenoux.

It is Memorial Day weekend, 1971.

-Who are you calling now?

His house?

-SOREN: Huh?

-Norman's house?

-No.

-Who?

-You'll see.

-Oh, my God, it's a surprise.

-Uh-huh.

GILBERT: They are awaiting the arrival of Pat Loud, Lance's mother, who is flying east from her home in Santa Barbara, California, to visit him for a week.

Why'd you call all these people?

Because, for one thing, I want to make sure we get into that play tonight.

(indistinct chatter) CLERK: Are you Patricia, Mrs. Patricia Loud?

-Is there someone to take my... -If you want to-- Yes, if you would like to go on up, and he'll bring the-- your bags upstairs afterwards.

-Okay, good.

Thank you.

-All right?

Which way is 431?

I'll show you.

Over on this side.

The room right there.

Lance?

-Hello, baby.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Fine.

-Yeah, you look fine.

-Oh, this is Soren.

-Hi.

-PAT: Hi, Soren.

-How nice to meet you.

-It's nice to meet you.

-I thought you... -You look really nice.

I thought you were going to come down and-and be in the lobby, and I got down there, and you weren't there.

-You look so nice, yeah.

-Thank you, love.

Well, it's certainly a surprise.

I was just going to go upstairs to see you.

I thought you were going to get me a-a... Oh, they really s-screwed that up.

SOREN: But it happened just the way it happened.

I guess we didn't remind them in time or something.

Well, it certainly is nice to see you.

I'm really surprised-- I was very shocked, as a matter of fact, that you came up.

Do you want to go up to your room?

-Yeah, in a minute.

-Oh, do you want to sit here?

-Yeah, I want to sit down for a second and... -You can stay here.

-...if you don't mind.

-SOREN: How was your flight?

It was really very nice.

We got in a little earlier than-than we were supposed to.

We were supposed to get in at 4:19, and we got in about 4:00.

And, uh... You boys need some policing in this room, you know?

-(Soren laughs) -Why?

Well, because it's not altogether, you know, tidy.

LANCE: Well, maybe it's a bit dirty.

But, um, we're going to the, uh, La MaMa Theatre tonight.

-And we're going... -SOREN: We've got reservations.

They're very hard.

They've been booked up for weeks.

-What play?

-Vain Victory with Jackie Curtis.

It's the ultimate of the underground, honey, -you'll just think it's so neat.

-SOREN: You'll like it.

-Yeah, Ondine... -It's really... And all the underground stars are in it.

It's a big play.

All these wonderful people I've never even heard of.

All the people... Oh, I know, but y-you've dreamed of them.

PAT: Hello.

LANCE: Holly!

This is my mother.

-This is Holly.

-Hi, Holly, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

We were just going in.

Oh, well, we're just, we're gonna be back in a second.

-Okay, fine.

-Okay.

-This is Douglas.

-Hi, Douglas.

PAT: Shall we go, uh, back to my room?

LANCE: Yes.

Oh, well, you see, I can't see that far, and I thought this said 811.

PAT: It's just a magic wonderland.

(Lance chuckles) PAT: I hope somebody vacuumed and changed the sheets and the towels.

LANCE: Oh, no, they just had someone, a heroin addict, that tore up the room.

(door creaks) Now, see, isn't this wonderful?

Isn't it just like home?

New York.

Just think, 70 million keepers of the flame.

♪ My place tonight, fellas ♪ ♪ My place tonight, fellas ♪ ♪ Who is the lucky boy to be?

♪ ♪ Now, now, don't bite, fellas ♪ ♪ It isn't right, fellas ♪ ♪ Is there a volunteer for me?

♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Freaked out ♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Over a couple ♪ ♪ Of flipo ♪ ♪ Hairdressers ♪ ♪ Who chained them ♪ ♪ To a beige hairdryer ♪ ♪ To match ♪ ♪ The lithograph ♪ ♪ Of the Maltese Vertebrae ♪ ♪ Cheers, cheers for a parody ♪ ♪ Let's dream about you, Let's dream of me ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪ ♪ I want you to share my wine ♪ ♪ This voyage across the Rhine ♪ ♪ Will always be yours and mine ♪ ♪ Vain Victory.

♪ (applause) I hope you don't think it was too gross, -'cause we had no idea... -I thought it was pretty gross.

Yeah, I did, as a matter of fact.

(laughs) LANCE: And, well, some of the one-liners were so good, I couldn't believe it.

Like Candy Darling-- Well, I don't like things that make me feel uncomfortable -and embarrassed, and it did.

-Yeah?

-It did?

Really?

-Mm-hmm.

-All the time?

I can't imagine.

-Oh, no, not all the time.

Part of the time I was bored and part of the time I was amused.

LANCE: Oh, no, I just thought of it as a variety show, you know?

-Yeah... -A transvestite variety show.

That's really what it is.

PAT: Well, it was, um, uh, certainly a grand entrance -into New York, I want to tell you.

-(laughter) SOREN: I know, what a day this has been.

-LANCE: I know... -SOREN: ♪ What a day this... ♪ PAT: Well, I kind of wanted to, um... -Yes?

-...talk to you and, uh, find out... 'cause this may be the only time, you know, -we're alone together.

-I know.

PAT: And find out, um... ...oh, when you think you'll-you'll be moving out of the Chelsea, and... -Oh, no.

-...and what, you know, I truly believe that that's the place for you.

I mean, New York is, and I think that you have finally -found an area that you, uh... -I know, I know.

Do you know what is so weird?

Um... Now that I look back on my life, as far as I've gotten, I keep thinking, "God, I sure did some things "that if I had-- if I had been a grown-up "and known about the things that I-I do, -or I had done..." -That you have done?

Uh-huh, every... (sighs) -Well, you know... -There was-- It seemed to be like there was so much room for, um, gr... -Improvement?

(chuckles) -No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

LANCE: You're getting the wrong idea.

-PAT: I'm sorry.

-No, um... There-there was so much...

I mean, I stood apart from so-- everybody I could imagine, I stood apart from.

-Yeah?

-Like, you know, when I was 13, -I, um, dyed my hair silver, and did all that jazz.

-And... And just think, it-it was energy that was being wasted because... (sighs) I don't know, it was like being-being a little mouse and trapped in-in a box or something, in a little white room-- I'm not saying that we led such, you know, a super-average, ordinary life, but...

But you went into your room one year and you didn't come out for about two more years.

-I know.

-Except at night, when you lurched out the window.

I know, but it was all frustration, you know?

I felt so frustrated at being... You know... um...

There was so much that you guys could have done-done with me.

-PAT: Like what, hon?

-If you had known-- LANCE: I don't know, I was just all...

I really do feel that, you know, I-I'll be telling someone about-about my life or what I did when I was younger.

-Uh-huh?

-And even though it might sound boring to them, all of a sudden, as I'm talking, I'll realize, "Well, all right."

I was much more interesting than anybody I ever knew."

-You were-- you... -"I was much more exciting than all those dull people," and I think now, if I was me today, and I met me when I was... oh, you know, any-any younger age, I'm sure I'd much rather talk to that person as, uh, than any of, any of his boring friends.

PAT: Good Lord, look at that.

(band playing jazz) Do you want to, um... uh, go on and tell me what you were telling me about what you thought that... Come back.

We could have done?

-Or didn't do, and all that jazz?

-Oh, no, you couldn't... That fascinates me.

Do you miss being away from California?

No.

I feel strange being here, and especially being here without Dad, you know.

Whenever I travel, it's usually with Dad.

That seems kind of odd.

And just think, I'll have a whole month in Taos.

-He's going... -That'll be heaven.

He's going to be, uh, probably, traveling.

-Uh-huh.

-He may come back and see you, even.

He'll be in New York for a while.

-Oh, how awful.

-(laughs) Oh, don't say that.

PAT: But do me a favor, don't get him a room at the Chelsea.

(both chuckle) Probably be here sometime in July.

Perhaps for two or three days is all.

LANCE: I wouldn't know what to say to him.

Even at dinner, I can't talk to him.

How can I spend three days... Honey, you don't have to talk to him, he can-- He's such a conversationalist, he takes care of the whole thing.

LANCE: I know, but, sons... fathers and sons are supposed to have conversations.

They're supposed to understand each other.

-I know.

-And look at each other and smile -and walk along railroad tracks.

-Have heart-to-heart talks.

Throw rocks on the water.

-Go fishing.

-Go fishing.

Well, you're very lucky.

Daddy isn't crazy about doing any of those things.

I know.

PAT: Now he's coming down.

LANCE: Poor thing.

He's coming-- He's being thrown out of heaven.

MAN: There is a decision.

It is very soon.

Uh... I-I think it's, uh, within the next month that is gonna be made by you.

It's something that's been... has been, um, in the back of your mind for a while now.

And it's something that has drained, emotionally, just about everything that's left.

And, uh, that's what the decision is concerning, and the decision is going to bring forth new ideas, actually.

Once the decision is made, there will be a reaction from another quarter.

And the reaction will, uh... uh, just kind of set you back a little bit, mentally, but that's all.

And, uh, it's going to have to do with money, though.

The decision concerns a, uh... Something to do with business is going to affect my life -for a long time.

-Well, it's something material.

I don't know if it's business or not.

It may be connected, uh, with business, or it may be connected with your husband's business.

I don't know, I don't find him in here yet.

There's the end of, uh, a matter, also.

There's-there's something that's ending, uh, now.

Something that, um...

The world.

Yes, the world, uh... uh... A decision-- Th-- uh, this is tied in with this decision I'm talking about, and there is a decision, there's more of a decision than you really know.

Lance, you be sure and write more often than you have, will you?

And I'll be better about it, too.

LANCE: Okay.

And let me know what you're doing and when you're going to move, and I think you better get out of here 'cause it's too expensive.

And you let me know if you want to come home.

I'll-I'll send you the money.

Okay.

That's very reassuring.

Of course, I won't give up without a fight.

No, I don't want you to give up without a fight, 'cause I think this is really... (sighs) ...about as good a place for you as I can think of.

(footsteps) -(bed creaks) -(Lance grunts) This waiting around is deadly, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

I'm going to sit over here.

My back is hurting.

LANCE: I don't know what I'll do if I don't get that job.

But I'm not really thinking about it.

I'm thinking about...

I don't know.

-PAT: About what?

-Nothing.

(traffic passing) Uh... Penn Station.

-(car door closes) -Okay, so, um... -thanks for coming.

-Yeah, it was fun.

-Good to see you.

Bye-bye.

-Okay.

Bye.

(indistinct chatter) I didn't know you were going to bring your suits with you.

(indistinct chatter) Good, good.

(busy chatter) PAT: I really haven't been gone that long, but it feels like, when you travel that far, God, it just feels like I've been gone for a year.

And then that was still kind of strange.

Lance's world is so different.

BILL: I thought you might move out of that Chelsea and go to some proper hotel.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Have you, you enjoyed the, um... -the hardships, huh?

-After the sh-- after the shock wore off, it was really so fascinating.

I don't think I would have had such a good time anywhere else.

-(Bill stammers) -But he's so wonderful, you know?

God, he really does have some spark of life that I've never seen in anybody.

He walked down the street, and he'd sing and... -(chuckles) -you know, and dance and... -just so much life.

-Yeah.

Well, the boys are so, so, so lazy.

God, they're lazy.

And I got the-- you know, the job for, uh, Grant in the, in the sawmill, and he says no way is he going.

I wish he were more dedicated... -...in some sort of... -Well, you know, I'd like to have... -...practical pursuit.

-...a doctor or a lawyer or a student or-- of some-some ilk.

But since we don't... Y-You have to know... what-what is right and what is wrong, and you have to try to lead them as far as you can.

You can't lead them all the way, but you should be able to push them.

Whatever they really want to do is all right with me, as long as they, as they...

I don't, I don't expect them to get out and... try to make all the money in the world.

-Right.

-I just want them to-to lead a life that they can support themselves happily at.

But your job is to know pretty well what they should do and what they shouldn't do.

GRANT: $50?

Forget it!

-Where you been, baby?

-MICHELE: Sharp's.

Cut my fingernail.

-Which one?

-This one.

I haven't filed it right yet.

-Did a quick job.

-It's awful.

-(laughs softly) -Try to hit me-- pow.

"Never gonna see you again, you have a sharp fingernail."

-(hums) -(laughs) GRANT: Hey, Brad, Delilah, where you going?

-BRAD: For a walk.

-DELILAH: We're just gonna walk up here.

-MICHELE: Oh, really?

-GRANT: Okay.

-MICHELE: Want us to come along?

-(dog barking) -GRANT: Kais!

-MARK: No, Kais.

Here.

I'll get it.

GRANT: Ew!

(Michele laughs) GRANT: Ew, weird, stuff.

(laughter) MICHELE: What about right there?

(laughter) (chuckles): Stop.

GRANT: Hey, you're getting it in my hair!

(laughter) (Mark speaks indistinctly) Oh, wait.

-Here.

-Yeah.

Hey, watch where you're spraying that.

(laughter) -MICHELE: Stand back.

-Now you got to get his shirt.

Fireballs.

This is really weird stuff.

-Grant.

-MICHELE: You missed.

-Hey!

-(laughter) (woman over phone speaking indistinctly) -I see.

-(woman continues indistinctly) Oh, I know all about the strike, but, uh, they told me they were gonna have it unloaded, and they were gonna, uh... the-- it was the-the San Francisco material was available for pickup and that the trucks were gonna take the other stuff to Los Angeles.

WOMAN: No... (continues indistinctly) I know there's a strike.

I know there's a strike.

Don't tell me that again.

I just-- I-I'm, uh, confused.

(woman continues indistinctly) I see, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I was afraid that was gonna happen, but, uh, somebody told me yesterday and the day before... Yeah.

Okay, fine, thank you.

Bye.

(phone clatters) -Let's see.

-PAT: Hold your hair back like this, and let me... (chuckles) Ow.

(laughs): I'm sorry.

(both laugh) And perhaps you'd like...

When you get your skirt on, -you'd like to just-just wrap some around your waist.

-Yeah, I could.

-Because that waist part is awfully bland anyway.

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And you've got plenty to do that with.

-(tongue clicks) -Okay.

Now, you, uh, lie down, take a rest?

-Mm-hmm?

-(yawns) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (applause) Miss Delilah Loud.

Kevin, can you put this... DELILAH: I'll wake him up to say goodbye.

-...inside?

-Yeah.

GILBERT: It is July 1st.

This morning, Pat Loud is leaving for a month's vacation in Taos, New Mexico.

Going with her are Michele, Delilah and Suzanne Tate, Delilah's girlfriend.

You think that's gonna ride all right, huh?

I tell you, when I start larruping down that road, you know they're going to move.

GRANT: Those things are tighter than a bug in a rug.

That's tight?

DELILAH: That's not tight.

That's called loose.

-GRANT: He just loosened it up.

-You must have loosened... -You loosened it up.

-(Grant groans) BILL: I think you'd be a lot happier-- we've traveled with these things on the top, -and it's a miserable situation.

-PAT: And they move terribly.

Yeah, it's a miserable situation.

KEVIN: Kitten.

PAT: We just have to stop, honey, and... BILL: Come on, Michele, get out of there.

-I'm getting out.

-(laughter) PAT: Now.

You be sure and feed those dogs until Monday.

And, um, then, Grant, you make arrangements with Jeff before you do it.

You just go talk to him, okay?

Did you talk to him already about it or what?

PAT: Yes.

you've got to do something about the fish, too.

KEVIN: Well, they aren't my fish.

What am I gonna do with them?

PAT: Well-- Michele, have you made any arrangements at all about the fish?

-BILL: I'll take care of the fish.

-PAT: Where'd she go?

Okay.

KEVIN: There's Nelson saying goodbye.

-DELILAH: Yeah, I know.

-Hey, kitty cat.

GRANT: Jolly good show.

That ought to about do it, Kevin?

-It moved.

-(indistinct chatter) -BILL: Bye-bye, little darling.

-PAT: Listen, is he gonna be gone two months?

He's not gonna be gone two months, is he?

BILL: Yeah, he's gonna be gone two months.

Are you gonna get your hair cut today?

-KEVIN: Mm-hmm.

-Um... -BILL: Trimmed.

-I need money.

They said it costs $50.

-Very good barber.

-Listen, take-take your picture and send it to me, please.

-(laughs) -Will you do that?

-Okay.

-DELILAH: Yeah, I want to see what it looks like.

-Yeah, we're dying to see what it looks like.

-BILL: They're going to have to take some false hair, let it fall from the, uh... from his head so it looks like they cut something.

You're going to give me a credit card, huh?

-Yeah, I'll meet you at the office.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-Granty?

-GRANT: Huh?

-Come here and kiss Mama goodbye.

-(Kevin laughs) KEVIN: Mr. Wake Up.

-Bye-bye.

-GRANT: Bye, Mom.

-Be a good boy.

-I will.

-Be sure and come over if you want to.

-Yeah.

-Kevie, I'll see you in two months.

-MICHELLE: Bye, Grant.

-Hold the dogs back, will you, darling?

-I'll write you.

-Yeah, write me, okay?

Have fun.

-Bye, Grant!

Bye, Kevin!

PAT: Thank you.

-(engine starts) -MICHELE: Bye!

-Bye, Suzanne.

See you, Michele.

GILBERT: It is a time of departures from 35 Woodale Lane.

In ten days, Kevin and Glenn Volkenant, Bill's top salesman, will be leaving to visit mines and explore new business opportunities in Australia and Southeast Asia.

I get the whole family out of town, and a whole new family comes into town.

-(soft laughter) -Hey, listen, how about Grant?

Now, listen, I-- Do you-- do you think -you can put him on?

-DAVID: Sure.

Yeah.

You bet.

-You bet.

-You know, I-I had-- I had a job with him.

Castagnola has got a fishing fleet -down here in-in Alaska.

-Yeah.

Good job.

God, he might have a couple thousand dollars, you know, legitimately.

And then I had him, uh, going to work for, um... for Cuddeback in the sawmill there in Eugene, -pulling lumber out of green chain.

-(chuckles) Oh.

-He said... -Make a man out of him.

-Fast.

-He said, "No way, brother.

No way."

-You know, he gave me that Wolfman Jack, uh, dog call... -Yeah.

...and, uh, he says, uh, "I'm not-- I'm not going.

I'm going to stay right here and play with the band."

Well, he's getting a little disillusioned now.

-That's... -And I think if, uh...

I think if you can, uh... if you can-- I'll pay a salary.

-I'll pay what he's normally... -No, no, no.

No, are you kidding?

No.

No, no, no.

Finishing concrete's pretty tough, but... -You probably couldn't use him then.

-Oh, yeah.

(laughter) -No.

-I don't want to impose, but I'd like to have him get... -'Cause I really... -(phone rings) -SECRETARY: Lance is on one.

-Ah.

-Howdy.

-LANCE: Hi, Dad.

How you doing?

-Oh, I just woke up from a nap.

-Did you?

-I'm getting lots of rest.

-Attaboy.

But how about food?

Are you getting a lot of food?

Well, I'm getting the right kind of food.

I see.

Well, listen, um, uh... W-What is-- what is the story on going to Europe?

Uh, I'm going to Europe next Friday.

(laughs) -Next... -With, um... -that theatre group.

-With your theatre... -What's the name... -It's gonna be pretty exciting, I think.

What's the name of the group?

-Pedestrians.

-"Pedestrians," huh?

-Yeah.

-What is this, the kind of an "up with America" -or "up with youth" or something like that?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It-It's, uh...

It's-it's like that.

I see.

How many are in the group?

Uh, six.

-Six singers?

-Six or seven.

Is-is Kristian going with you?

-Yep.

-He is, huh?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, who's paying?

Um, I'm interested-- who's paying for the, uh, airplane ticket?

Um, m-- it's mostly being-being fathered by Robert Scull.

I see.

Who's Robert Scull?

-Um, he's an art patron.

-I see.

And he's a very big, big, big, big, big, big, big art patron in New York, and he's fathering it.

Well, I'm, uh...

I'm talking to-- David Whitsell's in town this week... -Mm.

Mm.

-...or-or today, and, uh, Grant may go down and work for him.

We're just discussing that right now.

-Okay.

-Okay, old buddy.

-Okay, bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

(phone clatters) He says, oh, he says, "I've been going to bed every night, real... real early, you know," and, God, he sounded like he was about dead, you know.

-He's, uh... -DAVID: Where's Grant today?

Grant is in, uh... Grant's around the house.

Yeah.

I'd like to have you give it some pretty serious consideration because I think it's a good thing for you to do.

You're not gonna do anything but sit around here and pluck that guitar this month.

Well, I'd like to have a job, but I don't want to go down, -down there for... -Well, I know.

There's a lot of things none of us want to do, you know?

I mean, there's a lot of things I don't want to do.

I don't want to go to Birmingham, Alabama.

It's the last thing I want to do, but I got to do it.

We got to all do a lot of things we don't want to do.

So don't give me that "I don't like Orange County."

Kevin-- while Kevin trots off to, to Australia and I get stuck pouring cement.

(Kevin sings) (Kevin laughs) KEVIN: Just saying.

All you do... You-you-you got a lot of practice shoveling sand up in Oregon last summer.

You just dig a hole, and then they pour the cement, then you dig another hole, and they pour the cement, -dig another hole, pour the cement.

-Huh.

It sounds like real interesting work.

Then you take the bags of cement and dump them in the machine.

100-pound bags.

Work starts at 6:00 or 5:00.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Nice hours.

(indistinct shouting under loud whirring) -(shouts) -Just the ones that are really bad.

-Uh... -Any particular?

This first one's all right.

I didn't check that one.

(mutters quietly) Go ahead and check.

-BILL: They'll, uh, they'll have a good movie for you.

-KEVIN: Yeah?

And, uh, you'll get to Hawai'i about, um... You're going to leave at 9:00.

You'll get to Hawai'i about 11:00 at night.

Very good, very good.

Oh, you guys are going.

(chuckles) I'm gonna be left all by myself.

GLENN: Well, we're going down to the marina, yet, no?

-Oh, that's right, yeah.

-(laughs) -Trying to get rid of us, huh?

-GLENN: Kevin, do you get the feeling that somewhere along the way, there's a little bit of a rush involved here?

After you guys are gone, I'm gonna really miss you, you know?

And when that great, big Marion 5,600 shovel throws that bucket out there, and sucks that dirt back up there, and it's coal, you know, and, uh, you see more metal roll off of that thing, I mean, y-you know, you're really-- you're on Broadway.

You know, you really are right at the top of the heap.

Just give you a great thrill.

-Doesn't it, Glenn?

-GLENN: It does.

BILL: It may not give you a thrill, Kevin, but it gives us a thrill.

It's gonna give you a thrill pretty soon, -when you start taking over the operation.

-(Kevin laughs) That's when you're gonna start to feel that chill going through your arm.

When you lay out there on that plank, and you look up at the ceiling and say, uh, "Geez, I sold more shovel teeth than anybody in the world.

-What a big deal."

-(Kevin laughs) KEVIN: You have to be excited about something to do it... -That's right.

-...to really start off well.

-(indistinct chatter, laughter) -BILL: Have a good time, get a lot of rest, learn something.

-A language?

-Yep.

-Okay.

-We'll really miss you, Kevin.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye.

-We'll see you... -All right.

Our feet are all muddy, anyway.

Let's do it.

Hmm?

-MICHELE: No, thanks.

-Oh, come on.

(overlapping chatter) -That's right.

-That's your pioneering spirit.

WOMAN: I'm curious about one thing, though.

Living on the West Coast, you know, all those gorgeous places, do you ever have any fear of, you know, the old gag that California's gonna drop into the ocean?

-And let's face it-- you're right there.

-PAT: Mm-hmm.

Do you ever have any fear of that?

You know, the-the... the theory is that all of California is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

It's all going to drop into the sea.

-God's wrath and all that... rot.

-Yes.

WOMAN 2: Isn't that a spooky feeling, though, to live with that kind of...?

-WOMAN: Oh, heavens.

-WOMAN 2: You don't ever, you know, know when something...?

-PAT: Mm-hmm.

-WOMAN: It is.

-WOMAN 3: Of course it's spooky.

But, um, um, life itself, I think, is kind of spooky, -so... -WOMAN: Yeah.

Well, I have a friend who wants to rent her house in Newark, New Jersey if that... (laughter) PAT: Well, yesterday, I visited Lib White in Mancos, and she had the most fantastic house.

MAN: And you know her background.

PAT: Uh, not really, no.

MAN: She was Captain Fernell's secretary.

-PAT: Oh, his secretary.

-She took off, uh, shall we say, original hippie-style.

GILBERT: After only two weeks in Taos, Delilah and her friend Suzanne are returning home.

DELILAH: I told my dad, before I left, I was coming back early.

There was no-- I knew that getting up there would be instant death, so anyway, I got up there, and it was total... We just sort-- sort of went out in the sun a lot and sit in the apartment.

We just didn't do too much.

GILBERT: Delilah has just arrived in Santa Barbara.

She is spending the night at a neighbor's house.

DELILAH: Grant?

Deli.

So, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Where's Dad?

Où est papa?

Uh.

Another one of those nights, huh?

I'm waiting for-- Dad's supposed to call here and tell me to watch it for tonight, or some-some lecture or something.

And nobod-- nobody seems to know where he is right now, huh?

Okay.

Okay.

-Bye.

-(phone clatters) -(sighs) -(phone rings) Hello?

Darbys' residence.

No, this is big dude!

Is this the double big dude?

(laughs) What are you doing, dude?

(laughs) Well, you almost had Mom and Michele with you, you do realize?

You all-- you do realize that Mom and Michele almost came along?

Oh, really, yes.

Yeah, she-- and I said, "Well, look, if we all come home, Dad's not gonna like that because he needs a rest," and I put in, you know, your two bits.

Okay, am I spending the night here, or what?

Oh!

Okay.

Well, can-can I go home, just for a minute?

Just Grant's there.

I mean...

Okay?

15 minutes.

And I have to get some clean clothes, too.

Yes.

Well, where are you?

(laughs) Can I ask you where you are?

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Bye.

(phone clatters) (sighs) (music playing in distance) When do you think you'll f... finish the boat totally and take it down?

BRAD: If I stay here, then I'll put it in the water.

If I go, then I don't know if I want to put it -in the water.

-Oh.

BRAD: So maybe I'll just have to stay.

Maybe.

-What?

-Maybe.

-"Big deal"?

-(laughs): No.

DELILAH: "Maybe."

-It's up to you.

-(laughs softly) (music continues) You know, it's good-- I'm glad to have you here.

And, God, we got up at 6:30 this morning and, um, flew in there.

GILBERT: Pat and Michele have arrived home this morning after their three-week stay in Taos, New Mexico.

Earlier this week, Bill returned from a short vacation in Hawaii.

-How are you doing?

-Well, just... just right in the middle of it.

-You got good and tan.

-Yeah, I got a little sunshine.

-You did.

-(laughs): Yeah.

Yeah.

Could I have another Scotch and soda, please?

Yeah, if I can find the goddamn waitress.

I'm looking for her myself, honey.

It's amazing what a little-- what the lack of cash flow does for you in about, uh... Hi.

In about, uh, uh, 30 days, you know?

Really... really ties you up.

And then, uh, we got $100,000 sitting on the dock in Los Angeles and San Francisco.

-We got... -But Kennecott's going back to work.

-Are they?

-Uh-huh.

Well, I'm glad to hear that somebody better go back to work, because it's getting pretty, pretty dangerous around here, -I'll tell you that.

-Ah.

The-the, um...

So, it's Arroyo Seco in Santa Barbara again, huh?

Yeah.

Back to the Arroyo Seco.

I hope you had a good time, because it's back to beans and... and, um, hot dogs.

Well, we've done it before, we can do it again.

It was fun while it lasted.

One thing I have wanted to ask you is, what did Delilah say when she came home?

What'd she say?

Well, um... She said that she wanted to stay at Nancy's.

Well, no, I don't mean that-- I mean, of... uh, did she say it was just horrible?

Did-- I haven't talked to Delilah yet, -and I just wanted to know.

-Oh, no, no, she said-- No.

It was just double, double-aught dullsville, is what she said.

Double-aught... She said, "It's double-aught nothing."

That's what it-- that's what she said.

She said, "There aren't any boys here, there aren't any girls here."

She said, "It's dusty and hot," and then she said, "I just want to get home."

I thought... they really didn't try.

You got to do something.

They actually read a-about three books.

-Well, I'll tell you something... -Which was a major first.

I'll tell you something, I think, uh, when people want to do something, they ought to do it.

No, I-I think everybody ought to do what they want to do, but criminy.

Well, I'll tell you, after this little vacation, I'm going to worry about a lot less than I have before.

-About what?

-About-- a lot less of-of anything that I've been worrying about.

Kid doesn't want to pour the cement?

Forget it.

He don't have to pour the cement.

I don't have to support him, he better start supporting himself.

She wants to dance?

She better get out there and earn a couple bucks and do her own dancing.

No-no dough going into that routine.

Michele doesn't want to go play with the girls?

I'm not gonna worry about it.

She can sit in her room for the rest of her whole living days, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

Life's too short to worry about all that jazz.

That's what I've learned about this vacation.

Well, it doesn't sound too jazzy, but very well.

I know, I hate to see them go like that.

I just hate it.

I hate it.

-I love it.

-(laughs softly) The sooner they get out there, the better.

Lay there and get a little rest, and, Jesus, I hear three kids walking through that gate and I just about go through the air.

No, they're not gonna... do anything for me but relieve me.

But we all must make little compromises.

Sometimes little, sometimes big.

Right.

Right on.

(sirens blaring) GILBERT: It is early August, traditionally the time of brush fires in sun-parched Southern California.

In Santa Barbara, the Santa Ana winds have driven the flames to within 50 yards of the Loud home.

(siren wailing) (wind whistling) GILBERT: The brush fires that swept through Santa Barbara last night almost destroyed the Loud home.

During the early morning, the flames were brought under control.

It is now late afternoon.

John Darby took me up here, escorted me up here, you know, we had to walk to-- they had it blocked off down at the reservoir, you know, and we went up and we told them, -"My house is on fire!"

-(laughs) All I saw was big, pink smoke, you know, and you-- and it was at least 90 here last night.

It was so hot.

And the wind, you know, blew over the umbrella over there.

-Yeah.

-All the chairs were all flying around.

And so, you know, and we got up here and... me and John were trying to find the water valves and stuff to get the sprinklers going.

-Well, you see the... -But Michele, you know, when s-she was up here with her girlfriend alone.

-Mm-hmm.

-And they were, you know, just getting in bed and stuff and I-I heard the fire engines and I looked up in the sky and it was red up here and I thought, you know, maybe Michele lit a cigarette or something -and the house was on fire.

-(laughs) And so, um, I called Michele, and, you know, she was real cool about it, you know?

She goes, "Yeah, yeah, well, I'm gonna go ch-- you know, get the horse and stuff."

She hadn't walked out here yet.

Tammy said, you know, she was in, uh, her bedroom and Michele came out in the backyard to see where the fire was, and Tammy said all she could hear was her screaming.

(screaming) And Tammy came running out and Michele was standing there screaming and crying and the flames were all up there, and t-they were just running around the house screaming and crying and stuff.

Then a fireman came up to the door, "Get out of the house!

-Get out of the house!"

-(laughs) And so, then, they had to get out of the house.

And then, um, a policeman took them and the dogs down to the reservoir.

Escorted them down.

BILL: Well, I'm proud of you, Deli.

You came up and saved the h-- you and John Darby saved the house, huh?

DELILAH: Yeah, and Mom got here right after that and she, um, she helped.

I wished, you know, that you were home, some-- one boy was over.

Me and John-- 'cause I didn't know where -any of the sprinkler things were, you know, connected to.

-Mm-hmm.

But we got, you know, the ones over there going.

-What is it-- here... -And we-- John and me took the hose and we just, you know, kept that whole fence there soaked... -Mm-hmm.

-...so if it came back, it wouldn't hit too... Well, and you... Yeah, and you soaked that up there.

DELILAH: Yeah, we really bombed that out.

(Bill laughs) (footsteps approaching) (water running) BILL: That's feta cheese.

PAT: Well, don't put it in there.

BILL: Where do you, where do you put it?

-PAT: Hmm?

-Where would you put the cheese?

If it's a cheese, it goes in the cheese container, doesn't it?

Anything cooking for the fiesta, Pat?

PAT: Everybody's cooking.

I got a guy from Kaiser who may come over.

-Where were you, by the way?

-Eagle Mountain.

-Oh, were you?

-Yeah, Indio.

(sniffles) But I got, um, half the shovel tubes order from Kaiser.

About a $100,000 order.

Oh, my dad came home.

-BRAD: He did?

-Oh, God, it was so embarrassing.

My parents were in-in a fight.

I almost died, man.

"What?

Don't put that cheese in the refrigerator!"

They were arguing about whether you should put the cheese in the refrigerator or not.

I mean, God, it was so embarrassing, man.

Well, that's life, that's parents.

I don't think I ever want to get married, really.

I don't want-- God, man, I don't want to sit around here while they're yelling.

-BRAD: Okay.

-Maybe we'll stop by.

BRAD: Okay, you can take me somewhere.

-DELILAH (chuckles): Okay... -Okay.

-I'll call you about 8:00.

-Okay.

-A little after 8:00.

-Yeah, well, yeah, I'll stay around till 8:30 at the latest.

-Okay.

Bye.

-Okay, thanks for calling.

Bye.

(birds chirping) (concertina playing) GILBERT: Lance and his friend Kristian are in Paris.

The rest of their original traveling companions have remained in Copenhagen.

LANCE: We've just been walking up and down the street.

MAN: You're sitting at the least fashionable table in Paris.

-I know, I know, I know.

-Which I think takes a lot of courage.

(speaking French) -...to someplace interesting.

-Interesting?

Well, if you've got money, I've got the time.

-Oh.

-If you've got the money, I've got the time.

-We almost have... -You're drinking Cognac at de Flore, my darling, you know.

Really, I mean, I have to-- you know, I can only judge you on if there's some old queen, yeah, I know, -is buying you drinks.

-(laughs) "Well, it ain't me."

"And it ain't she."

(laughs) No, I'll take you to all the interesting places in Paris if you buy me a drink when we get there, that's all.

I can take you to all the clubs that you would not -get into by yourself.

-Really?

How-- Oh, uh, is Andy still in town now?

-Drella?

-Yes.

No, she went back a long time ago.

The parties, my darling.

-Did you, did you see them filming L'Amour?

-Ooh.

Did I... Oh, no, I won't work with them anymore.

Are you kidding?

After seven movies, -that's enough.

-What did you work with them on?

Uh, Chelsea Girls.

-Oh, did you know Soren Agenoux?

-I'm in Ch... Of course.

Soren's an old friend of mine.

-Are you kidding?

-She's not in Chelsea Girls, though.

No, she's not in s-- in Chelsea Girls.

Do you know Carlos Clarens?

One doesn't know Carlos Clarens, one says hello to Carlos Clarens.

Oh, well, he's supposed to meet us here.

-Goodie for you, he's got an apartment that... -Did you talk to...

He's got an apartment with a very rich American man at the moment, and if I, if I were you, I would have moved in there.

-Well, I have no intention.

-He wouldn't let us.

He said, he-he said there were too many people living there.

She's such a fag, she's got one person living there, sissy.

-Are you, are you sharper than a tack?

-(speaking French) Uh, y-yes, honey, and I've got a forked tongue that can reach from here to San Francisco and back -quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson."

-(laughter) -Give me the-- give me the... -You want some?

-You can have some.

-Oh, it's got the dregs.

You got the bottom of the barrel.

- He said he won't be here for...

Doesn't it make you mad how stupid money is?

Because that's-that's the only thing, if we had just, I don't know, it's ruined the whole thing.

Everywhere we go, all we do is think about money.

I'd rather die.

-No, you wouldn't.

-I think I would.

Because if we don't get any money, you'll find out how fun dying is.

-(mariachi music playing) -(whistling) GILBERT: It is fiesta time in Santa Barbara.

The beginning of a week-long celebration in honor of the city's Spanish heritage.

♪ ♪ (singing in Spanish) (indistinct chatter) -PAT: Hi, Mary.

-Hey, Mary.

I don't want to take... -No, no, that's all right.

-Sit down, sit down.

No, we got all the room in the world.

Big Al may make it.

I don't know what year, but Big Al may make it.

How's Mary?

MARY: Oh, I don't think I really know.

(laughter) Listen, take a sip of that and you'll be in good shape.

Put the, uh, put the hat on the table and start dancing around the hat.

PAT: Hey, I didn't hear...

I hate to, um... ...to destroy any fantasies that you dream of about me dancing on the table, but, actually, I didn't do it.

The floor, perhaps, but not the table.

They got all the inventory on the goddamn dock, and now I got to-- I got to rebuy that inventory and pay-- that's paid for.

There's about $400,000 sitting around, and I got nothing coming in and the customers are madder than a son of a bitch.

Plus, all of my other problems that I've brought upon myself.

-(chuckles) -You think that proves your point?

I-I'm not done-- I just had a... -If I die tomorrow... -I tried that.

If I die tomorrow... -You'll die happy.

-I'd die happy.

The greatest time I've ever had in my life.

-Well... -No, you know, and... Huh?

That's neat.

BILL: Who's that, Patty?

Don't leave me.

There we go.

So, anyhow, that's life, Kay.

Come on.

Yeah, but... No, no.

You're just, uh... BILL: I'm going through a very dangerous age.

That's it.

KAY: I think you've been going through it for a long time.

(Bill laughs) KAY: You don't know what you're missing.

(mariachi music plays) BILL: There we go.

-WOMAN: Uh, all right.

-BILL: The parade is just over?

MAN: That's all right.

BILL: It was a good parade?

Oh, it's...

They're all good.

PAT: Ha, ha.

Too late now.

You know that song, that Carole King song?

Too late, baby.

BILL: But, for once in my life, I had that Fred Robinson shook up.

PAT: Why would you be interested in shaking him up?

I don't understand that.

I-- Just some kind of a feeling I have about him.

He's your blood brother.

-I don't know what you have against him.

-What?

He's your blood brother.

I don't know what you have against him.

-I... -I really don't.

I don't understand that.

-I have no brother... -I think it's the most childish, the most idiotic, incomprehensible, -weird... -(laughs) ...schizophrenic, sadomasochistic hang-up I have ever heard of in my entire life.

On, baby, on.

WOMAN: Will you move over?

PAT: And, um... it-it just didn't work.

And I think the things that you do are shitty.

And perhaps you think the things that I do are shitty, I don't know.

That's your prerogative.

But I think you're a goddamn asshole.

I was, I was talking to Mother, you know, a-and, uh, I told her that, uh, you weren't very interested -in doing any more work, you see.

-Mm-hmm.

I mean, it's your life.

I mean, I can't, uh, I can't control you-- I-I think you're making a-a big mistake by not, uh... by not going along with the program and putting five hou... five days a week in there.

-Everybody... -The program was three days a week, -Oh... -which I was putting in all the time.

BILL: The program was your program, that wasn't my program, and the guy needs you for five days.

What's wrong with working five days?

There's nothing else to do, Grant.

Really nothing else to do.

You might as well apply yourself.

Well, when you're s-- when you're digging cement for five days a week, you can find something else to do.

PAT: Then when you come home, all you do is sit around and strum that guitar.

-GRANT: That's not true.

-And you... Oh, well, okay, you eat a lot and you sleep a lot -and you watch a lot of television.

-GRANT: No, I don't.

And you don't do anything to help anybody around here and then you get in that car and use Daddy's gas card and go someplace.

Now...

I'm getting mad.

-Come here, kid.

-(laughs) -GRANT: You're getting mad?

-PAT: Uh, but that's-that's... You're, you know, you're a-you're an awful big baby.

BILL: Why don't you try it for a week, uh, five days a week, Granty, and give it all-- get some sleep at night, uh, get some rest at night, and, you know, and-and try to learn something from the thing.

Uh, it's a lot better than, uh... than-than trying to run away from responsibilities.

-Don't you think?

-I'm not trying to run away from responsibilities.

BILL: Well, then, what are you trying to do?

I'm trying to find something that I like to do, that I can do well.

BILL: Well, have you found it?

-Yeah.

-BILL: What?

Well-well, I'm not even gonna go into it with you, 'cause you'll just give me all this jazz about, "Well, you've got to get to college and take some economics "and a banking course and you'll be set for the rest of your life."

BILL: Well, don't you think you would be?

GRANT: No, I don't think so.

PAT: But I want you to do something.

I just want you to do something.

-Just move your body.

-GRANT: As long as it's not plunking on the guitar, right?

PAT: You can do that.

GRANT: Well, then how come you've been telling me not to plunk on the guitar -for the last three days?

-You can do that.

PAT: In-in moderation.

Do something besides sit in that room day in, day out.

When you're home, you're either asleep, eating or in that room.

That's not true, that's not true.

BILL: That's my job, is to see that, uh, -you get to see, uh, how life is gonna be.

-Yeah.

GILBERT: It is the middle of August, 1971.

Bill Loud is on the first leg of a business trip that will take him to the offices of most of the major mining companies across the country.

(metal creaking) I want you to notice how very sharp those teeth are.

-MAN: Yeah.

-I mean...

Incredible, incredible.

-Difference... -Just... just like a razor.

That must be, that must be really abrasive material, huh?

BILL: I represent, uh, American Steel Foundry out of Chicago for, um... for the western states.

-Mm-hmm.

-And, uh, if you ever get tired of your ESCO teeth, well, let me know and... -(soft laughter) -Got a... Got a real true-blue ESCO, I hear.

They've been real cooperative if we want to make a change on a bucket design or on a wheel they've designed, they've come in and changed their plans.

-It just makes a lot of difference.

-Yeah.

Where-where do you think is a cent-- a good central location, uh, to hit coal mines in this area?

A lot of your mining industry is coming out of Evansville, Indiana.

-Mm-hmm.

Evansville, yeah.

-There's quite a few, uh... it's centralized.

You got Kentucky right across the border.

Southern Indiana.

-BILL: Evansville, huh?

That is a good idea.

-Evansville.

BILL: Is that a swingin' town, too, over there?

(laughter) It can be.

(laughs) Depends on what you're swinging.

-I've done all my swingin'.

I don't know... -(laughter) Well, you got a lot of territory to cover when you cover these coal mines.

I'm telling you, you got to do a lot of heavy driving to hit this in a month.

GILBERT: It is September 2nd, the day before Bill is due back in Santa Barbara.

Pat has decided to file for divorce and has told her children.

Later in the day, she will drive to Glendale to explain her feelings to her brother Tom and his wife Yvonne.

(door creaks) (insects chirping) PAT: He doesn't, um... he doesn't want to be home very much.

He's angry at me.

And there's a-- there's...

There's some-- I don't-- It's hard to explain.

And... we just don't, uh, have any rapport at all anymore.

It's... um...

If, um, if we had any, um... Well, if we had any sex life, you know, that would be kind of nice, but it's kind of like a courtesy, "Thank you, ma'am," thing.

And I am too-too, um, young for that.

I'm too old for women's lib, but I'm a little young for that.

And he-he just kind of tears off, and he makes everything a lot more obvious now.

Uh, like the-the lipstick and powder and glunk on his shirts and things like that, and he always leaves some little... thing that...

It's turned into a game, Yvonne, is what's happened.

I was...

I was a basket case.

I mean, I should have been locked up, I was so bad.

I was so upset.

I was sick.

I was, I was so sick, nobody would ever believe -how sick I was.

-TOM: When was this, Patricia?

PAT: I spent months staring into the pool.

I never slept.

I'd get up in the night and drink coffee and stare into the fireplace.

It was, it w-- I was...

I went into this whole syndrome, this whole sickness.

And, um, God, he could hardly wait to get out of that one.

When was that?

Uh, when I first found out about all this stuff.

You mean, just recently?

-No, no.

-Several years ago.

Five years ago.

1966.

I drank a lot of booze, and I-I, um...

I was a bad-- evil, bad person.

And he knew what caused it, because I hadn't been too bad before that.

(Tom clears throat) I'm getting more and more calls from those women.

They drain him, and it's a sad, horrible thing to watch.

It really is.

It's... You... You-you... you look a little perplexed, but it is a bad thing to watch.

He has to give them... And they don't mean anything to him.

YVONNE: No, absolutely not.

He has to give them all of his vitality, all of-- everything.

YVONNE: Do you feel-- W-What do you think?

What do you really think?

What do you think about him, and what do you think-- w-what went wrong or what has changed, or you just don't want to put up with him anymore?

PAT: What went wrong?

-YVONNE: Yeah.

I mean, what's... -What has changed?

...what's different now than five years ago?

PAT: What went wrong was that we ever even met each other.

That was the wrong part.

-Oh.

-Um... No, no, no.

What changed is that, is that I-I kind of... caught on to what was happening.

-I've lost a great deal.

-YVONNE: Oh, Patty, you've-- really, you have had not a bad life.

-And you have children... -That's right, that's right, -You've had an awful lot.

-I've had a keen life, just a keen life-- And I-I have no regrets.

I-- That's one good thing.

I don't have any regrets.

So, you... you know, you stack up the odds and so on and so forth, and we're, you know, very lucky, that's all.

And you are, too.

We don't even know what it is to be unlucky, I think.

Life doesn't go on the way you-you have it planned.

That things happen and change your life.

And things that you don't want to happen c-can come in and-and... be a very strong part of your life.

People and things that you don't even know exist, Yvonne.

We were only a part of his life.

A very, uh, good part, the-the best part.

But, um... only a small part.

BRAD: ...50%.

-(laughter) -YOUNG MAN: I'll just, I'll just scrape this off the... PAT: Why don't you, uh, open that other thing over there, -another pan.

-Wow.

This is kind of dried out.

BRAD: Who volunteers to get Hoss?

-Pardon?

-Who's volunteering to go get Hoss?

DELILAH: Well, we have to go to the airport, anyway.

-PAT: That looks awflly dry... -BRAD: We have to, we have to... DELILAH: To pick up Dad.

BRAD: To pick up Dad?

BRAD: Pops.

Papa.

GRANT: I see.

Y-You're going to pick him up, right?

-That's a "No".

-You have to.

You're the only one that can pick him up.

You have to.

BRAD: This is bad.

DELILAH: Grant.

(mutters indistinctly) BRAD: This is a drama club.

I'll come with you.

GRANT: I'd ra-- I'd rather you didn't.

It's gonna be sort of a sticky situation.

-GRANT: Hey!

-BILL (laughs): Hey.

Big G, how are you?

-Huh?

-(crowd chatter) So, how's everything on the home front?

The little, uh, wolverine is, uh... -very uptight, huh?

-Very hot, very hot.

Very hot, huh?

Got the, got the duplex teeth out, ready to go at the... -Every time I... -(crowd chatter) Jump at the, at the sight of a... (Grant speaking indistinctly) -Very tough.

-(laughs): Yes.

Besides Mom and the Volvo and, uh... ...school starting next week, everything's, uh...

Walk right into the lion's den, huh?

You got in your last, uh, your last, uh, 12 hours a day with Big Dave, huh?

Well, that was a good experience.

I-I think you should be proud of the way you... proud of the way you held on to that.

So you got a party going on where?

GRANT: At our house.

-BILL: At our house?

-Yeah.

BILL: Gonna have to move it someplace.

(insects chirping) (speaking indistinctly) Do you want to grab that light little thing?

-I can get it.

-Uh, I don't know how that thing can be so heavy.

BILL: Just don't, uh, damage the... the, um, bags.

GRANT: Yeah.

-How are you doing?

-PAT: Pretty good, -how are you?

-Good.

You got any problems?

PAT: Well, I think you know the problem.

Uh, what, uh, Grant's car?

I'm sure that Mrs. Regin must have told you the problems.

Uh, no, I-- big dude, how are ya?

DELILAH: Hi, Dad!

-Dude.

-(laughs) Got on the green eye-dos and the whole bit?

(chuckles) -Uh-oh, fancy tie.

-Oh, yeah.

That's a $45 tie from, uh, the middle of, uh, Chicago.

No, uh, Mrs. Regin left today, you know, went on a vacation.

And, uh, I-I don't-- what else?

Uh...

Anything else?

PAT: Well, uh, did-did Grant say anything to you?

No, about what?

No.

-Oh, come on, Bill, don't do that.

-No, I know.

You know there's a problem.

-What's your problem?

-I just, uh... (door closes) That's really keen.

Um, I have, uh, spoken to a lawyer, and, uh, this is his card.

He would like to have you get in touch with him.

-Okay.

-And I'd like to have you move out.

It's just like that.

Oh, that's a fair deal.

I figured you'd think that.

Yeah, well, I-I think it's, uh, shortsighted on your part, really, I do.

But, um... (sighs) Well, I-I... Good deal.

Oh, and I'd like to have you get in touch with him tomorrow morning.

He'll be in his office tomorrow morning.

Well, I'm glad you didn't pick the most expensive one there, really.

Yeah, I-I tried to be a little... -Yeah.

-...medium-priced in this thing.

Yeah.

Okay, well, um, let's see.

You got everybody shaped up here, have you?

Uh-huh.

And, uh, Grant's in good shape, and... Everybody is in very good shape.

They all understand the problem, and, uh, this-- they all understand it is only between you and me.

Mm.

(music playing faintly) Well, then, I don't have to unpack my bag, do I?

No, I thought you might want to get some clean clothes or something.

No, I got plenty in the bag.

I'll pick up my clothes tomorrow sometime too.

Okay.

You got a car around?

You got an extra car?

Sure.

-No?

-Yes, take the Toyota.

Take the, take the Jag.

I don't want that.

BILL (distant): So, big dude, how's it going out here?

DELILAH: Oh, pretty good.

BILL: Let's see.

687-6444.

(rotary dial spinning) Had a real smart station agent in Los Angeles, you know.

And he was really kidding everybody.

Uh, yeah, do you have a room tonight?

Yeah.

One.

Okay.

Um, hold it for Loud, will you?

I'll be down in about a half an hour.

L-O-U-D.

Right.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

(phone clatters) (rotary dial spinning) -Are you going, dude?

-DELILAH: Yeah.

BILL: Yeah, uh, well, keep in touch.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

(line ringing) -NANCY (over phone): Hello?

-Nancy?

-Yes?

-Mrs. Wulcliffe.

-Right.

-What are you doing?

-What's-- who is this?

-Mr.

Loud.

Oh, oh.

I was just saying goodbye to some friends.

(laughs) Listen, did you get in touch-- did you get a telex off to Glenn?

-Yes, I did.

-And, uh...

I haven't heard from him.

Well, I told him to call you at home.

-I see.

-And I gave him your telephone number... Yeah?

Say, Patty, if, um, Glenn calls me, it's very important.

Make sure he calls me at the Lemon Tree, will you?

-PAT: I'll do that, yeah.

-Because, um, he's in Bougainville, and we got a five-year order cooking over there.

-(Nancy speaks indistinctly) -Well, McNamara is, uh... going to try to sell him the same thing, -so, um, we can't have that happen.

-No.

Well, did-did that telex go to Melbourne, -or did that telex... -No, it was right to Bougainville.

-And what... -Rangoon to New Guinea, Bougainville.

-Oh, okay.

-And I got their telex number at, uh, Bougainville.

-Yeah?

-We can telex them direct any time we want to now.

-Fine, fine.

-So, uh...

So, anyhow, well, I'll put a call in to him just to double-check.

Well, if, uh, you need a swimming pool, -come on down to the Lemon Tree, will you?

-Okay.

(laughs) Okay, I'll be talking to you.

-Okay.

-Bye-bye.

Take the bag.

(clicks) (soft clicking) (door creaks) (insects chirping) Say, listen for that, uh, phone call from Glenn, will you, Patty?

-Yes.

-'Cause he's going to, uh...

I want to get him, catch him before he goes to Bougainville.

(engine starts) (serene music playing) ♪ ♪ GILBERT: From a motel room, Bill has moved into a small apartment.

He is still in the process of settling in.

(exhales) (turbine whirring) -PAT: Is that you?

-DELILAH: A mustache!

Look, he's got a mustache.

Yay!

My own mustache.

MICHELE: My turn!

Michele.

-Kevin.

-Oh!

(laughter) -I greatly missed you... -Oh, no.

(laughter) -PAT: Hi, Glenn, how are you?

-GLENN: Hi, Patty, nice to see you.

Is it falling off?

PAT: Just a little bit.

Where did you get it?

I got it in, um, Hong Kong.

(indistinct chatter) (laughter) I shaved.

I think I'll stay off tomorrow, have a little vacation (laughs): before I go back to work.

-(speaks indistinctly) -PAT: Listen, I've got enough mutinous troops around here.

Yeah, Grant even, uh, Grant seemed a little weird.

What's he so upset about?

Just doesn't like school.

-Doesn't he?

-Mm-mmm.

I'm really glad to get back home, I really am.

It's nice traveling around, but I-I'm really tired.

You were gone a long, long time.

Yeah.

Yeah, time to be appreciated (laughs): for being gone so long.

-And you certainly will be.

-Now, I have to get up at.. What time do I have to get up tomorrow morning?

If you can sleep in this anthill when everybody's up and stirring around, you're better than I am.

It's really impossible.

Girls up washing their hair and arguing and turning on those lights in the bathroom and stomping around the hall and slamming their closet doors.

Mm-hmm.

Dogs barking and cats meowing.

-It's a little noisy.

-Is there any trouble around here or something?

-Hmm?

-Are you having some trouble around here?

No, honey.

I just thought Grant was... Well, what I think I'll do, if it isn't object to, I think I'll go down and get my schedule straightened round.

And then I'll go down to Dad's office and see what he wants to do, and maybe go back to school or something.

Yes, I think that's fine.

-Best idea... -I think you should do that.

TOM: That's a lot of people.

That is a lot of people.

We've got the whole thing set-- I don't believe we got the whole thing set up.

That's gonna be a lot of my ex-friends.

(laughter) You look great in y-your uniform.

-You got a helmet, too?

-Yeah, I got a red helmet, and it's not a regul... Stay here and don't let anyone near the stage, nobody, okay?

CHEERLEADERS: Hey, let's flip!

We're the roughest team you've met!

We're the toughest team, you bet!

We're the Dons, so you better get set, 'cause what you see is what you get!

(whooping) (cheering, applause) (whistling) (drum kit playing) (crowd cheering, screaming) Yeah!

Whoo!

♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get you in my tent, tent, tent, tent, tent ♪ ♪ Where we can both experiment, ment, ment, ment ♪ ♪ It's so convenient, ent, ent, ent, ent ♪ ♪ Let's take a taxi to my tent ♪ (cheering, applause) ♪ Oh, yeah, my love is so inscrutable ♪ ♪ In a stoic sort of way ♪ ♪ But my baby is as beautiful ♪ ♪ As a tourniquet ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get you in my tent, tent, tent, tent ♪ ♪ It's only common sense, sense, sense, sense ♪ ♪ I know that you won't mind ♪ ♪ The stench, stench, stench ♪ ♪ Of the sacrament... ♪ (cheering, screaming) ♪ I'm gonna get you in my tent, tent, tent, tent, tent ♪ ♪ Find out where the weasels went, went, went, went, went ♪ ♪ We'll fill his hospice with cement, ment, ment, ment ♪ ♪ And dance the tango in my tent.

♪ ♪ ♪ (cheering) GILBERT: It is October 3rd.

Lance is back in New York after spending the summer in Europe.

Later this week, he will return to Santa Barbara for the first time in eight months.

-KEVIN: Old Lance, coming home.

-PAT: Yeah, how about that.

(Kevin laughs) (indistinct chatter) Come on, Lance.

(plane engine whirring down) (Michele laughs) PAT: Oh, he looks sick, doesn't he?

Does he look pale?

KEVIN: He looks all right.

At least to me.

Oh, honey, you look pale.

-How are you?

-Good.

Been so long.

-Hi.

-Hey, baby!

Michele.

-How are you?

-Fine.

Hi, creep.

Hi, Lance.

Well, here we all are.

Here we all are.

(indistinct chatter and singing) LANCE: Goddamn.

(shushes).

But how about this shirt, Mom?

-It's got a little wal aloha.

-(laughs): Yes.

Oh, honey, that's great-- pretty neat.

Isn't this a neat one?

DELILAH: Yeah.

It has all these things on it.

I love-- I l-- do you know why I like 'em?

It's because that when you have them on, (chuckles) uh, if you're talking to someone and they-- and they think you're boring, at least they can look at your shirt, because your shirt's so interesting.

Oh, oh, yeah, y-yeah.

I have the best color fingernail polish.

Mine's darker.

No.

No, sorry, honey.

Sorry, honey, but it is.

What...?

-Now, get ready for this.

-Okay.

Now let's compare.

Okay, compare redness.

-Sure-- Yeah?

-I know, well-- -Yeah, uh-huh.

-This is much more 1920s.

No, it isn't.

This is much darker.

This is Christian Dior.

Well, this was 69 cents.

This was 68 cents.

It was marked down from $2.50.

-(laughs) -Well, mine's been 68 cents for longer than I care to remember.

I'm sorry, but I got it out of the box.

It-it was all corroded, and the-the price tag looked like it just, uh-- Just dark now, never mind-- I got this in a drugstore on-- in Union Square.

-Let's see.

-Now, you can't get lower than this.

I'm sorry but I got mine in Woolworth's.

(laughs) And mine's called "blood red."

Mine's called blood red.

You got-- Yours is more blood red than this.

This is blood?

I'd like to see my blood look like that.

Listen, honey, you can't even look at your blood.

(Lance chuckles) (radio playing softly) Isn't it... -Doesn't that look weird?

-Yeah.

It looks like a shadow.

-Shadow.

-We can do your eye-- We can do your eyes up.

Like that.

I don't suppose you can get these here, can you?

(laughing): No.

I have, um... God, my-- Well, see the thing is, I was watching in the movie, you know?

And, um, all I could see were these turquoise blue eyes, and it looked like the-- like part of the kitchen had bitten you or something.

But, um, and I thought that if you're gonna wear eye makeup you should do it subtly, or-or colorfully.

See, now you-- You sort of look dead.

-But... -Sort of, yeah.

But, like, um... Like...

I don't know how to do it.

I didn't put it on the right way.

Not in the...

It's like painted on, so it looks so funny.

It looks like a clown.

I think it looks so funny.

I just look-- all, all the time, I just-- (laughing): "Oh, ha, ha, I look like a monster."

(laughs) But, like, you can just play around with them, and pretty soon you get used to 'em.

(laughter) -PAT: Oh, that's terrible.

-DELILAH: I don't know.

-PAT: How can you like it?

You can't like it.

DELILAH: I don't know why, but I really do.

BILL: Dearest Lance, thank you for your wonderful letter.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The contents were well constructed and I very much enjoyed your analogy of the return of Lance versus the fall of the father.

It is also reassuring that you are concerned, to an extent, with the marital problems of your "problem-plagued parents," as you stated.

It is even more rewarding, however, to know that at times in your and my relationship that you did feel close to me and that you did consider me a father/friend and not always as a horrible money-dispensing crocodile.

And so, when you s-- come to see me during our future life, come and see me as a very good old friend who just wants to enjoy you and who you want to enjoy.

And that, my boy, is a real-life father and son relationship.

But back to the marital split subject, I really have no desire to return home.

Loneliness is not one of my problems.

And I truly want to see if I can forge a new life for myself that I have considered for some time.

For the past few years, I think Patty and I more or less targeted the summer of 1972 as a time for the split, a time when the boys graduated from high school.

So you might say the determination came a little early.

Your mother is the most difficult to forsake.

She is truly the only person I ever really loved with my entire heart and soul.

She is a completely honest woman with an honesty that makes her very beautiful to me.

She has been my Rock of Gibraltar, both as a snug harbor of security and also as a perilous navigation hazard for 20 years.

I adore the ground she walks on and I love living with her.

But, at the same time, I guess it's the famous American social custom: marriage requires 100% attention and devotion to duty, a living style of all or nothing at all, we must be together in all things.

I can't understand how we American people can get ourselves into this togetherness practice.

Actually, I think it's a ridiculous situation that the family is breaking up.

I really think it's probably that Patty and I have annoyingly been working on it for about five years.

Anyway, right now maybe it's like the lemmings walking to the sea.

How can we explain everything we do?

Why did I have five fine children?

Why did we move to Santa Barbara?

Just how much control do we have over our destiny?

It's just too tough to keep fighting to get everything together and try to keep everyone happy and calmed down.

So that's the way it is.

Take care of yourself.

And don't take any wooden nickels.

Love, Dad.

A letter from me.

This is a letter... that I, uh, wrote.

Uh-oh.

That I wrote when I just got-- just before I was leaving Copenhagen to go back to New York.

I just found-- this is my first letter to my father after the di- The...

Broken home.

"Dear Pater.

Irk!

"I cannot begin this letter in such a tacky way, 'pater.'

"Ugh.

Really!

"It sounds like I-I'm a hairdresser or something.

"Puff, puff, I'll try again.

"Dear Dad.

"Okay, ma'am, well, here I am, "your angel-food cupcake that fell flat "as soon as it got out of the oven.

"Yes, you guessed it, it's Lance.

"What else is new?

"As I'm saying these days, "there are two things you can count on in life: "as the world turns, "they are that at the end of the summer, "Lance always returns from an unsuccessful take-off "on life's big runway, "limping home on a path of wired money "and Ma and Pa... "And Ma and Pa Loud plummet headfirst "from their Olympian heights of love and matrimony, "which is highly there, whether love is or not, and smash upon the age-old..." -(hits table) -"...rocks.

"Then, time applies a salve to fix all-- "fix all present wounds, "and Lance flutters off again, "and you two begin y-your climb once more.

"Growing old together should be fun.

"But anyway, what I'm wondering this year is, "will these two century-old customs "be carried out in full measure?

"True, they have all begun, as usual, "but Lance isn't limping all the way home... yet.

"And winter is approaching, and perhaps your very own "Mount Olympus will be snowed out.

"Ah, well.

"We all-- we all progress in some manner, whatever that means."

Hey, man!

-(laughs) How are you?

-How are you, Dad?

Geez, you're getting bigger and bigger.

-Well, it-- -Like the biceps.

(laughs) You're very tan.

You look very swank.

Well, thank you very much.

You've been writing these notes, have you?

I've been playing with, um, the photographs.

I have an autographed one.

Fantastic.

What kind of shaving lotion-- you got some special shaving lotion on?

No, uh, as a matter of fact, I had a terrible bout with, um, body odor-- -odor this afternoon.

-(Bill laughs) And riding down on the bicycle, the sun beat down so bad that-- when I stopped at the record store, honey, it was A-bomb heaven.

And so, like before coming over here, I thoughtfully stopped in at Kaiser's and put on all their exotic tropical... -(Bill laughs) -um, scents.

(chuckling): So then... (both laughing) You know, the impression's what counts, Dad.

First impressions make a... -a lot of-- -Make a, make a-- -Make the-- -Make the difference, huh?

-Yep.

-Well, geez, it's sure good to see you.

Yes.

Now I'm glad I'll talk to him.

(laughter) So, anyhow, uh... What is this business here?

Now, what do you want me to do?

-Uh, nothing, I have-- -What is this going to-- I have to have a dollar to go and get my driver's license, so that I can-- I'm arguing with Mom about using the car because, of course, I don't have any insurance, and she won't let me, you-- Oh!

She says that she wants you to come up and take us all out to dinner some... Well, not her, but, um, everybody else, -out to dinner some night.

-Why?

-I mean-- -S-Sunday night, because she says it-it'll be nice for-- because we-- Dad, you're like a pop star.

We only hear about you and see your picture in fan magazines.

-(laughs) -We never see you in person anymore.

-Never see the real Bill Loud.

-The real you, man.

Well, you have to come down and... And I'm available from 8:00 to 5:00 -in the office every day.

-Yeah.

-For consultation, loans-- -Well, those-- -taxes, advice.

-(laughs) -Whatever you want.

-Well, don't-- (laughs) I've got it down here, baby.

Well, Dad, we're beginning to think that you took the business of being a father too lightly.

-And-- -(laughs) Why, we're even thinking that you've forgotten about us altogether!

(laughter) -Well, I tell ya-- -Yeah, easy come, easy go.

(laughing): Easy go, that's right.

Out of sight, out of mind.

(laughter) Do you know, it's so amazing how together Mom is too, you guys are both so... so, you know, I hate to use those revolting-- revolting hippie-- hippie words, but honey, I thought I was gonna have to pick her up all over the backyard and sew her back together.

And not...

I thought I was gonna run into -a fight saying-- -She's-she's recovered very rapidly, huh?

-She's, uh...?

-Well, she-she's, she, there is a little bit of w-wistfulness in her eyes and all that jazz.

-Right, right.

-But, um... -Hey, man, what's happening?

-Hey, cutie!

-Hey!

-It's mini Jagger, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

-A white coat.

-Hi.

(laughs) Huh?

-Where'd you get that?

-What?

-I gave it to him.

-Oh, I just-- Lance brought it in from L.A. for me.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you know, a gift here and there.

-Hey, listen, you're ready to hit the road?

-All set.

We got-- you want to go and see the bombers come in, Lance?

(laughter) Well, listen, Lance, uh, when do you think you'll leave?

Uh, probably at the end of this month.

Oh, so I'll be able to see you in the next couple of days, huh?

Yeah, I'm not gonna be the fleeting image of-- 'Cause I want you to meet a lot of my friends.

Okay, yeah.

I had to take these off at-- I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

No, I-I d-- I don't have the wrong idea, sweetie.

-Wait a second.

-(laughter) This is really-- this is really-- Kevin, take a-- take another picture for-- of me with him, ready?

I have to get another picture.

Ready?

Listen, how many-- how many film are in there?

-You want us all, buddy?

-No, Gosh!

-Just you, oh, of us together?

-I want to take it of us together.

Okay.

-And you'd better take it good!

-And that's wonderful shaving lotion you have on.

-That really is.

It's really got the essence of-- -It-It's cinnamon and gardenia.

And there's one called Mystic Veil.

Okay, ready?

Are we in focus, Kevin?

-Sure.

-Both of us?

One, two, three.

(camera clicks) (paper rustling) DENNIS: $1,200 a month alimony, $273, $1,000, $274.

And what she's asking for is $1,900.

Do you want to make a counter-offer?

Well, I...

If you want to nickel and dime her.

Now, the-- I mean, these-- these, these figures are ridiculous that you've got.

Okay, then let's-- let's knock 'em down, then.

-Clothing at $175, right?

-No, knock the clothing out.

The boys should be able to make their own clothing, and she shouldn't have more than 25 bucks a month for clothing, as far I-I can see.

I don't see any reason for-- No, but-- -Huh?

-That's unrealistic.

Let's go on down, and then we'll go back.

Um, clothing $175, dry cleaning $30, spending money $40, dancing class $60.

Now, that-- you should cut that in two, because-- -Auto, the gas-- -You should knock $30 off of there.

Oil and insurance, $35.

Well, you're-- you're going a little too fast here.

The dancing classes, cut to-to $30.

-Why?

-Well, if-- and they're going about, uh, three times a week.

If they want-- if they want to dance that much, they should be able-- I don't mind paying a little dancing, but I don't think they should, you know, make a big career out of it.

They-they can earn their own money and pay for that dancing.

-Um...

The automobile... Gas, oil and insurance.

Well, I, um... How many cars do they got, three cars?

Yeah, three cars.

I think if-if the-- If the guys-- If the guys want to drive the car, they should be able to pay for their own gas.

Okay.

Uh, let's knock 40 bucks off that automobile.

What do you want to have it?

-$65.

-Okay.

Drugs?

I'll save you some money-- Well, you see, no, we got-- we got the drugs and the-- Maybe we better work on your budget, too.

-(Bill claps) -(laughs) Okay, drugs and hair care, $45.

Too much?

Yeah, 25, 20 bucks put in there.

For how many people?

For five people.

$20 a month, okay.

(scribbling) -Medical and dental?

-$25.

You'll never make it.

Make it $50, Bill.

Well, Dennis, I-- it is $50.

But Jesus, I-- you know, they're not supposed to be livin' in the way in which they're accustomed, when I'm not even making enough money to pay for what they're askin'!

Well, that's true, but we're trying to get down to what...

Remember, we're going to knock $500 off whatever we arrive at for her working.

-(pencil drops) -Well...

Okay, everything else looks all right, doesn't it?

Birthdays and Christmas, $25 a month, entertainment, $25 a month.

I think that's a pile of crap, Dennis.

I have no-- nothin' for entertainment and nothin' for birthdays.

I-- forget it.

Well, only if you're willing to give up everything for entertainment yourself.

Are you?

I have, I have-- all my entertainment is, is a charge-off for the business.

-Strictly the business.

-Strictly business.

(laughs) I realize that.

-That's-- -Okay, what do you come up with now?

Well, let's see... -MICHELE: Okay, let's just-- -LANCE: Come on, let's get it all out and put it on the table.

PAT: Okay, the first complaint that I have is about the cars.

-LANCE: Okay.

-PAT: And the second one is about nobody cleaning up after themselves.

Outside of that, you're really outstandingly beautiful people, but, but that-- that's a really bad thing.

-MICHELE: Mm-hmm.

Yes.

-LANCE: Yes.

All together now.

PAT: Nobody is to take a car off of this hill.

I don't want to take the keys out of those cars.

That's a crashing bore.

LANCE: Tee-hee.

PAT: And I want everybody to stay out of my-my liquor cabinet.

Is that clear?

It's a little late for that, isn't it?

(laughter) -PAT: I hope not.

-LANCE: I do, too.

(laughter) When you compare it with the rest of the morons that live in Santa Barbara, really, our family is so... exciting that, you know, we-- and we don't send you to the lower depths.

We really don't.

And no-- and none of our friends-- PAT: How do you know what you do?

Well, Mom, you-- if, if-if you can't stand up under five kids... You knew what you were going to get into when you had five kids.

Or you should've had some idea.

PAT: I didn't know what I was getting into.

What did you think we were going to be, the Five Little Peppers?

Honey, we're gonna last longer than that, dear.

And you've got to accept it, that-- that there're five kids and there's going to be a-- some amount of-of problems.

You really should-- I expect a certain amount of problem, Lance.

-But also-- Lance?

-DELILAH: Calm down, calm down.

-LANCE: What?

-I also expect a certain amount of help, especially-- LANCE: But you do-- But, Honey, Delilah, uh... -Especially now!

-She's going to make someone a good wife someday.

-I'm-- -(laughter) -"A good wife."

-(laughter) (overlapping chatter) MICHELE: Are we through?

I think so.

Well, I don't know if we accomplished anything or not, but... BILL: You're going to get, uh, it's been quite an education.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

In a way, I suspected it was a coming thing two years ago.

(Bill sighs) Well, the lawyer said, I-- and I think he-- you know, those, those lawyers are -such fake little guys, you know.

-Mm-hmm.

As he says, "Well, I think your big problem is you're traveling too much."

And I said, "I think you're right, I'm traveling too much, "but if we got to live in this way "that we've accustomed ourselves, I've got to travel that much."

-Mm-hmm.

-Just pour it up, don't-- -Just pour it up, huh?

-Just sock it on me.

-Uh-huh, that's a good one.

-I got to drive all the way to Santa Barbara.

Good.

BILL: I don't know, I don't know... How do we-- how do we Americans get into this situation?

How do we-- do this, that you got to do everything with everybody all the time?

How do we do it?

Geez, my buddy Jean-Jacques out of Paris goes to South America for two or three weeks, no hanky-panky, nothing-- he just-- that's all right, just a little traveling.

My buddy from Northern Italy goes to-to Mexico City, nobody's complaining.

The family is sacred.

You know, I mean, that's the big sacred deal.

But here, Jesus, it's got to be all the time, got to be a 24-hour deal.

And, and I-I, you know, I object.

I don't think it's right.

I think-- I think somebody has sold, uh, society a bad bill of goods.

Well, I-I think really what it really is is that there's, of course, that the family thing, -as we had known it-- -Yeah.

in our youth really is a thing of the past and it's a... and you see all the signs of it, uh, coming to an end as such.

-Right, right, and-- -As we, as we knew it.

-As we knew it, why-- -Women haven't quite caught up to that yet.

I mean, the wives haven't quite caught up to it, yet.

BILL: (coughs) Well, uh... Well, I don't know how we did it, but, uh, it's not a very good deal.

Just my big program of the year.

Now, how are you gonna get Pat married off?

Do you have any prospects for that?

Oh, she won't have any trouble.

Christ, she'll be married in... in, uh, in a couple of months.

You know how she is.

How old are your two younger ones?

Uh, 17 and 16.

(insects chirping) But my mama is never gonna let me starve, I don't care what I do.

No matter how bad I am, my mother will not let me starve.

So, uh...

I have that to look forward to, that Mother will take care of me.

If Bill is-is so enraged... -and he gets-- -JACK: Well... the law on his side, still I know I will be all right.

There's nobody who's going to-to deprive me of-of the things that I-I need to live with.

JACK: Well, my attorney wanted me to fight.

And the last thing in the world that I would've done is fought, because I don't care that much.

Well, I-I think perhaps Bill might be in that same boat.

He doesn't want to hurt me, and, um... he really likes me, you know, and I really like him.

There's no-- Perhaps you and Lynn are in the same boat.

It's kind of a strange place to be, I'll tell you.

JACK: You bet.

No matter what he does, and I don't know what his-his outlook is, I think-- JACK: How tough is his attorney, do you know?

Creampuff, baby.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

JACK: Are you gonna get the house?

PAT: Yep, and the furnishings.

Everything you survey is mine, baby.

(laughter) And I-- you know, really, at my age, Jack, I-- may never marry again.

-JACK: Oh!

-And poor Bill.

-(laughs) -JACK: Oh, geez.

-Let's go out and dance.

-All right.

Mary, come on, let's get organized, this-- I found this the most depressing conversation I've ever heard in my bloody life!

Yeah, because Jack can't live like-- JACK: I think I'm gonna have a heart attack!

(laughter) Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

But these things happen.

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