-(FIRE ALARM RINGING) -Saffy: Fire!

Mum, wake up!

Fire!

Yes, hello.

Fire Service, please.

It's 34 Claremont Avenue, London W11 4BS.

Thank you.

(RINGING CONTINUES) Come on, Mum, let's wait outside.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Mum!

(SIRENS WAILING) (MUMBLES, GROANS) Mum, come on, please.

There's a fire in the kitchen!

I'm trying to put something on, sweetie.

Mum.

We're going to die if we don't get out now.

It doesn't matter what you wear.

Come on!

Oh, God.

I just hate all my clothes.

Why have I never got anything to wear, sweetie?

What, what, what shall I put on?

I'm just so fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!

Why won't my cells stop dividing and multiplying?

-Mum, there is a fire downstairs!

-Edina: Oh, God.

Come on, ladies.

We have to evacuate the building.

You must leave now.

Well, that's very easy for you to say, you've got a bloody uniform.

It's hard for the rest of us.

(GROANS) Thank you.

It's nice, it's nice that you... Where did you get those uniforms?

It's nice.

Well, that's about it, then.

What do you think could've caused it?

Could've been a cigarette.

Patsy!

Where was she?

(GASPS) Down there.

She couldn't... She couldn't be down there.

She'd never let six grown men out alive.

She can't be... Oh... Oh... (SIGHS) Oh, my God.

Patsy!

She inhaled our kitchen.

I just, um...

I just nodded off.

Um... (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Hello.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Shoes off, sweetie.

Shoes off.

(SIGHS) Hello, darling.

Sit.

Sit.

You should do something about Patsy.

What do you mean, darling?

Send her to a clinic or something before she kills us all.

Oh, she's been to a clinic, darling.

They didn't have enough room for all the toxic waste they pumped out of her.

Well, even Japan refused to take it.

She's been dried out, darling.

It made absolutely no difference.

-Pats.

-Oh, hello, Eddy.

It's such a beautiful day out there, you know.

The sun's so bright it's almost blinding, like... (INHALES DEEPLY) Like shards of glass just piercing the clouds.

Oh, every second of my journey here is just blazed into my memory.

(INHALES DEEPLY) I feel fantastic.

-Champagne?

-(SIGHS) Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Ed.

-Mm-hmm.

-Edina: Hmm?

Oh, Eddy.

If Pats wanted to do something about it, darling, she would.

Now, give me a little hand here, would you?

What are you doing?

I'm throwing out all my clothes, of course.

Why?

For insurance.

Um...

It's fire damage, sweetie, all this.

Fire damage, darling.

Well, I could take these down to the charity shop.

(SPLUTTERS) You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor.

God, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season's, sweetie.

You haven't worn a lot of these.

Why would you buy something and then not wear it?

I don't know, darling.

What is this?

The Krypton Factor?

Should I do the obstacle course now?

Have you made a decision about the kitchen yet?

-No, but I will.

-(CLATTERS) We should change it, don't you?

I was bored of the old... Oh, damn.

(WINCES) They could bloody do this room while they're at it.

I hate Japanese now.

But this was your dream.

I wondered how long it would last.

(SIGHS) I was fed up of stubbing my toe on everything, sweetie.

And getting down on a futon is one thing, but getting up is quite another, darling.

And it's just lucky everything's at ground level.

So, look, I can get to it just by rolling, sweetie.

Look.

Here.

Put those in the pile.

(GROANS) Help your mama up.

Help mama.

Um, you're going out tonight, aren't you?

Yes, sweetie.

Good, because I've got some friends coming 'round.

Well, then definitely, sweetie.

We've got to watch a documentary on TV.

Oh, alright.

What is it that's different about you today, hmm?

What is it?

You've got the top button opened on, yeah.

What are we calling this, a blouse, are we, sweetie?

A blouse.

(SHUDDERS) Have your shoulder pads slipped... Oh, stop it!

Nothing to be ashamed of.

You're becoming a bit of a big girl, -aren't you, darling?

-(DOORBELL BUZZING) Oh, that'll be the bike with the swatches.

I'd better go down.

The front door's buggered.

And don't you take any of those clothes off to the homeless while I'm downstairs.

I haven't forgotten, darling, that time I was accosted, by that mentally deranged down-and-out meth drinker who leapt out of a cardboard box wearing a Vivienne Westwood catsuit and Chanel suede mules.

Still haven't recovered from that, sweetie.

Only because he looked better in them.

Edina: Oh.

(BLOWS A RASPBERRY) Oh, I just like them all, sweetheart.

I like every picture in here.

I like.

I want, I want... Every picture in here, sweetie.

I mean... Oh, I want people to think I'm all these types of thing, you know, sweetie.

I mean... (SIGHS) I know it should reflect my personality, but... God forbid.

Sweetie, this is it style-wise.

Look at this, sweetie.

Irish Crofter's Cottage.

Mm!

Mm!

Mum, it's a kitchen.

It needs a cooker, not a peat-fired oven.

Oh!

Can't be bothered to think about it now anyway.

-(TV PLAYING SOFTLY) -Well, when?

(TURNS TV OFF) We can't go on living in this room like this.

Oh, so, not big enough for you, sweetie?

Let me see what I can do.

Shall I?

Huh?

(GRUNTS) Hang on.

No, no, sweetie.

No, sweetie.

(GRUNTS) It's as big as it gets, I'm afraid, darling.

What you mean is it's just not big enough when you wanna hog the whole room with your leching friends and watch some dull, nil-rated, narrated doco.

Stop it.

I rather like living like this.

It's a bit like the war, dear.

What do you mean, "It's a bit like the war"?

-Leave it, Mum.

-What does she mean, "It's a bit like the war"?

Is it a bit like the war but without the drab fashion, the powdered eggs, the rationing, the bombing...

In fact, without the war, yeah.

It's a bit like the war without the war, isn't it?

You always have to say something.

You can't let anything just go by.

I can, I can.

(TV PLAYING) Mum, I want Channel 4.

You're going out, aren't you?

Mum?

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) (MOCKINGLY) Am I allowed to say something now?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) If I am, then, yes, I'm going out when Patsy gets here, alright?

God.

Oh, it's just the news on this one, sweetie.

Can't we have MTV?

No, I don't want to miss it.

What's it about, dear?

Well, in layman's terms, Gran-- Sex, is it?

The beginnings of life.

Conception to birth.

Oh, birth.

That's changed so much since my day.

(SIGHS) -What do you mean it's changed?

-Mum.

Well, dear, they whip you into hospital, no questions asked, and take your tonsils out as a precaution.

We're much more relaxed these days.

We are?

Are we?

Are we?

In my day, they could incarcerate you in a high-security asylum just for not having a whiter-than-white wash. Gran.

Oh, yes, dear, and in those days, it was the bromide sedatives or ECT.

What's ECT?

Electric shock treatment, dear.

It's all highly addictive.

Edina: Ugh.

I still can't pass a plug socket without getting the urge to put my finger in.

Well, I wish you would.

Don't be so impressed with her, anyway, sweetie.

Darling.

Don't be so impressed, sweetie, darling.

Sweetie, darling.

Sweetie, darling.

Sweetie-darling.

Sweetie-darling.

You don't mind me calling you that, do you, sweetie?

Eh, darling?

Oh, well, it's started.

It's hard to break a habit like that after so many years.

It started because you couldn't remember my name for the first three years.

Don't be ridiculous, darling.

You didn't have a name for the first four, did she?

It.

Thing.

Thing-It.

Kettle Crisps?

Kettle Crisps?

You don't normally have Kettle Crisps with your friends, do ya?

There's always some dried old pumpkin seeds and a small pack of Golden Wonder in it for them.

I think I can feel one of my heads coming on, dear.

Have you any aspirin?

Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time?

It was very good.

Homeopathic.

I'll get them.

-You knew that.

-Mother: Hmm?

We're not amused.

Now, what're you doing?

What are you still doing here?

Well, I'm just keeping Saffy company, dear.

Yeah, well, she doesn't need your sort of old woman company.

You're a burden to her, you know.

You should go out and hang out with some people your own age for once.

Hopefully, she'll get horribly lonely and find a life.

Alright?

Why are these bottles all empty?

They were in your room.

I was very sick last night, darling.

All of them?

Well, I was hungry.

I mean...

It was the only thing I could find that didn't have calories in it.

I mean, what's the problem?

-Patsy: Eddy.

-Oh, here she is.

Ah.

Here she is.

The human barbecue.

Are we going out, Eddy?

Yeah.

Do you want a little drink or something first, Patsy?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'll pop off, dear.

I'll just nip home and get an aspirin.

-Okay, Gran.

-Good.

Um, you have to actually pull the door hard and lock it with the keys until we get it replaced.

I think I can manage that.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (BOTH SCREAMING) Give it to her!

Give it to her!

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON TV) Ah.

It's Top of the Pops, darling.

-We've got time to watch the Pops?

-There's no rush.

Mum, you can't stay.

You promised.

We'll be going out in a minute, sweetie.

Oh, God.

What's happened to this program anyway?

Can't they find anyone to present who doesn't look like a mannequin from Next children's department?

(MUTTERING) The bands are just second-rate crap.

Bands I didn't like the first time.

I wish someone would shoot Genesis.

Look at them.

(MUMBLING) Evil-looking creeps just playing dull, soulless dance music.

(HUMMING TUNELESSLY) You're showing your age.

God, I hate all this '70s revival crap as well.

Yeah, it's just watered-down crap.

Edina: Hmm.

I mean, look at Lenny Kravitz there at number 30, thinks he's Jimi bloody Hendrix.

The genius of Jimi Hendrix was that he could stand up at all, he was so pumped full of so many drugs.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Like, choked and died at any second, that was the thrill.

Who dies in their own vomit these days?

Nobody.

Nobody.

God.

I wish some of them would, though.

You know, I don't think that "Kylie Minogue chokes on vegetarian sausage "after all night not-drinking binge in safe celebrity nightspot" has quite the same ring about it.

Sorry, I know you like her, sweetie.

I know you like her.

I'm sorry about that, darling.

You can't play rock and roll on a diet of Quorn, veggie juice, and Linda bloody McCartney's tofu treats.

I've seen the ones you've got in the fridge anyway, darling.

It's getting out of control, all these new revivals.

Revivals.

I mean, soon they'll just be reviving what we had on last week.

Oh.

Get your clothes back from the dry cleaners and it's a revival.

Uh-huh.

Ridiculous.

There's an endless stream of music, music, old music, new music, old music, new music, fashion, fashion, music, music, music, music.

God, it's like we've got a mirror ball spinning around inside my head.

Why won't it just stop?

For most people at your age, it does.

-Switch it off, sweetie.

-(TURNS TV OFF) -Yeah, give me the Stones any day, Eddy.

-Yeah.

(MUMBLES) -Hey, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy.

-Edina: Hmm?

Remember that weekend with Mick and the boys?

Oh, fantastic.

Fabulous days.

Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie.

-Patsy: Yeah.

Yeah.

-Edina: Mm-hmm.

Well, sort of, you know.

I mean... Woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once.

So, that was going steady for the '60s, believe me.

Look, Mum, if you're not watching TV, can you just go?

What is your problem?

Huh?

What is your problem?

I mean, it's not as if you gotta get rid of your mother so you can have your boyfriend 'round, is it?

I mean, we'd be out of here like a shot if there was a chance of you having a heavy snogging session on the... -(TV PLAYING) -Kettle Crisps, top button... You have a... Sweetie.

-Mum, don't!

-(GIBBERISH) -I've got to make a phone call.

-No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, my God, I'm having a palpitation.

She's scored, she's scored.

Hang on.

Patsy and I will go as soon as he gets here.

No!

I don't want you to meet him.

Alright, alright, I'll go now.

We're going now.

Come on, get up, Patsy.

Move out of the room, Pats.

Move out slowly.

Slowly, slowly.

Don't frighten Saffy.

Don't frighten Saffy.

Just go to the door, go to the door.

Don't frighten Saffy.

Sofa... (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Ze crisps.

Undo your, undo your buttons, sweetie.

Open the door.

Open the door.

-Open the... -It's stuck!

It's stuck!

Edina: What do you mean, "It's stuck"?

(MUMBLING) It's stuck.

What do you mean, "It's..." (GASPS) It's locked.

That stupid bloody woman!

It's not her fault.

Well, the door didn't lock itself, did it?

She just misunderstood what door I meant.

-(SIGHS) -What happened?

We're locked in, Pats.

No, no, no, no!

Butt out of the way.

Butt out of the way.

I'm going.

Butt out of the way.

Here we go.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh!

It opens inwards.

Leave it, Pats.

Leave it.

How long will she be?

She might not come back.

What if there's a fire or something?

She just went to get an aspirin.

Phone's dead, darling.

Phone's...

Yes, well, the fire knocked that out.

Don't you look at her like that.

Jesus Christ, the amount you forgive that old woman.

She's the one that locked us in here, sweetie.

We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't been planning your disgusting bloody snogging session on the sofa with your lover boy!

Shut up!

Don't tell her to shut up.

She's just trying to be nice!

Come on, sweetie, it's alright.

Come on, sweetie.

You know, don't be so uptight about it.

You know, you should talk about it.

-Don't be so embarrassed... -Oh, stop it!

Oh, my God.

How long is it gonna take that old woman to score a tab of aspirin?

Well, I could score acid quicker.

(MOUTHING) If there's anything you want, darling, you know, if you wanna use my bedroom, feel free, sweetie, I don't mind.

Well, you know, if he wants a... (BLOWS A RASPBERRY) ...condom or anything... Or a blindfold.

Shut up!

(MOUTHING) How come she gets a date?

I don't get dates anymore.

You get dates, don't you, Pats?

Oh, I get dates, yeah.

Only if she pays the right price.

You want a little nibble, sweetie?

(IN A DEEP VOICE) Bombay mix?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Listen to Mummy's funny voice doing that one again.

(IN A DEEP VOICE) Bombay mix.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) (SIGHS) Why didn't you tell me about him, sweetie?

Because I didn't want you to know about it, alright?

Alright.

-I'm your friend.

-No.

I'm your friend, Eddy.

You don't need her.

(MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Have you any idea how exciting this is for me, darling?

Yes.

I mean, I just think it's my duty to guide you through your first sexual experience, darling.

I mean, you know the facts of life.

I did...

I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie?

If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at two o'clock in the morning stoned out of your brain and then slurred into my ear, "By the way, sweetie, people have it off," then, yes, you told me the facts of life.

Well, if there are any gaps you want me to fill in, just let me know.

-Oh, God.

-(TV PLAYING) Oh, Mum, I need to watch that program.

Oh, no, darling, it's not the documentary, is it?

Sweetie, we can't watch that.

I mean, Claire Rayner narrating the journey of the sperm.

It's like watching a cookery demonstration by Hannibal Lecter.

Edina: Yeah, I know.

We can't watch that, darling.

No way.

-(TURNS TV OFF) -No, darling.

Darling, if you wanna learn about that sort of thing, you should do it like every other normal girl.

How?

Cosmo sex quiz, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Cosmo sex quiz.

We'll do it together, darling.

We'll do it together, sweetie.

Come on, mum and daughter will do it together.

Shall we, sweetie?

There it is.

It's multiple choice, darling, alright?

A, B, or C. "A, Is he shaggable?

B, Are you shagging?

C, Have you shagged?"

Oh, so nil rating on that one for you, isn't it?

What other advise can we give her, darling?

Huh?

-Huh?

-Be careful of wigs.

Don't listen to that one, sweetie.

You don't need to know that one.

Always get his number, 'cause he'll never call you back.

That's a good one.

Now, this one.

"B, Snogging."

Who's snogging?

Yuck, snogging.

I'm not much of an expert on snogging, darling.

I had two husbands.

One was too short, one was gay.

So, sweetie, if you wanna know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek 'cause he's walking out of the house to a disco wearing your dress, then I'm your girl.

Ignore her, Eddy.

Oh, God.

She's like some emotional yo-yo.

You're upset, sweetie?

I saw crying.

Crying.

I'm upset too, sweetie.

Mummy's upset as well.

Give me a hug, darling.

(CRYING MOCKINGLY) Ooh, squish, squish.

Oh...

Squish, squish.

Oh, squish, squi...

I can't do that thing you do.

I can't do that tears thing you do, darling.

Squish, squish.

Squish, squish.

Come on, don't go all silent on me, darling.

Come on.

Where's that horrid little budgerigar girl?

-(SOBS) -Oh, God.

-You alright?

-I will be.

Well, what can I do?

Nothing, I'm okay.

Miserable little turnip.

(SNIFFS) It's a good sign, you know.

What?

It's a good sign that you're crying, sweetie.

You should get in touch with your feelings more often, you know, yeah.

I am in touch with them, Mum.

I'm not the one that has to pay £3,000 for a weekend workshop for some cross-legged conman with a red dot on his forehead to tweeze them out for me.

Conman?

Sher Abu Korma, darling... is a genuine reincarnation of Abu Babu, high... high priest of the spiritual leader, Sag Aloo.

Conman.

Besides, I've checked.

He doesn't keep all the money for himself, you know.

Half of it goes to the rebirthing center, and half of it goes to pay off the debts he ran up in a previous life, alright?

There's a vegetarian lunch included in that price as well, don't forget that.

(SIGHS) God, honestly.

Look what, look what you made me do now.

Look at this.

Look what you made me do.

Look.

Look at this, look what you... You've made me go fetal.

Look at this.

I've gone all fetal.

Look.

(IMITATING CHILD WHINING) Oh, Mama.

I've been rebirthing.

Actually, you should try that, darling, rebirthing, yeah.

That she was born once is enough for me.

Ooh, here I go, sweetie.

Here I go.

This is all your fault.

You know, here I go, darling.

Oh, down through all those tubes.

Hello, organs.

Hello, ovaries.

(DISTORTED) Just one last little cough for me, mummy-to-be.

(COUGHS) (BABY WAILING) Come on.Come on.

(WAILING CONTINUES) NURSE: There we are, Mum.

Untouched by human hand.

(WAILING CONTINUES) Edina: Oh!

Get that thing away from me.

Ugh!

Oh, where am I?

Clank, clank, clank, clank.

(GASPING) Yeah.

It's all those lights, sweetie.

Oh, yes.

That woman's got a lot to answer for.

She made Eraserhead look like Emmerdale bloody Farm, sweetie.

She didn't take her rubber gloves off for the first 12 years.

I mean, there was injections, injections, chemicals, chemicals, polio, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, bottle chemicals, bottle chemicals.

It was my generation made ICI what it is today, darling.

No wonder we turned to flower power.

Well, at least Gran loved you.

I know you never wanted me.

I know I was a mistake.

Pretty accurate so far.

Not a mistake, sweetie, just a... little miscalculation.

You know, it doesn't matter.

What difference does it make now, sweetie?

Mum, the difference between knowing you're wanted and knowing that you're not is quite big, you know.

It's like going to a party where you know you're not invited, no matter how polite people are.

Oh, my God...

Very clever thing to say, eh?

I suppose you think you gatecrashed my party.

Is that it, darling?

I know I did.

Oh, you little bitch troll from hell.

You mean, ungrateful little bit of dirt.

You think you've had it so hard.

I never had the things you had when I was born.

Oh, here we go.

No, I never had friends or parties or presents, you know?

The first few years of my life, I was just locked in a room.

Or just trailing along behind my mother in her sickening musk-laden wake, just hoping that she'd just turn around and notice me, just say something to me, touch me, or ask me something or...

Send you to school.

Yeah, anything.

My mother didn't give birth, she had something removed.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Behold.

-(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH) I am that which must overcome itself again and again.

Oh!

(SPEAKING FRENCH) -Come.

-(WOMAN SINGING SOFTLY) Come now, claw your way out of my body, oh, alien soul.

Who has ears to hear, let him hear.

-(SPEAKING FRENCH) -(SINGING CONTINUES) (SPEAKING FRENCH) I've been plowed.

Let the swamp-blood flow forth.

Yes!

Come now!

Enter the world!

You tiny mediocrity.

Petite void.

Pallid horror.

-Ahh!

Oh!

-(CONTINUES SINGING) (GROANING) (SCREAMING DRAMATICALLY) Come, come.

Rip it from me.

Let me be free.

-(BABY CRYING) -Oh!

Oh!

Cut the cord, cut the cord, cut the cord.

I can feel it draining my energy.

(PANTS) Let it trail no longer, my ball and chain.

(SIGHS DEEPLY) What kind is it, huh?

(SPEAKING FRENCH) (BABY CRYING) (QUESTIONING IN FRENCH) Aw.

I name the child Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau... Stone.

Now take it away!

And bring me another lover.

I could've been clever.

Could you?

Yes!

I could've gone to university.

You know, all those wasted years, and there you are, rubbing it in.

-I resent you.

-No, you don't.

Yes, I do!

I hate you!

Just when my life hit a good patch, along you came, you miserable piece of flesh.

You should've ended up in the dustbin.

The incinerator was too good for you, you know.

When I heard that Eds was pregnant, I told her to abort!

"Abort, abort, abort!"

I said.

"Chuck it down the pan, bring me..." -A knitting needle?

-A knitting needle!

(EXCLAIMS) (SCREAMING) (ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) (CONTINUES MUMBLING) (EXCLAIMS) Still, the more you quarrel, the less you hate, darling, that's what Sag Aloo says.

Don't take her side.

I'm not taking her side.

I'm... (WHINING) My... (WHINING) When you were three years old, we tied you to the central reservation of a motorway.

Shut up.

That's one of Patsy's funny little jokes, darling.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Anyway, you were like a homing pigeon.

You were back within the week, so it isn't... What was my birth like?

Your birth...

Shut up.

Shut up.

It was beautiful, darling.

It was gorgeous, it was lovely.

I knew it was the best moment of my life, darling.

It was like... What's that, what's that What's that lovely film?

Like, Bambi.

It was like Bambi.

In a lovely forest glade, darling.

We were like those little...

Dogs, were they?

Were they?

-Deer.

-Deer.

We were like those little deer, darling.

It was lovely.

It was so beautiful, sweetie.

(GROANING) Man: But you must have painkillers.

No, no, no, no, I don't need any.

Woman: You need drugs.

Give the drugs to Patsy.

Yes.

(EDINA GROANING) -Yes.

-Woman: You're so brave.

I know.

I want this baby to be born on a carpet of roses.

Man: Roses... -(PANTING) -Roses.

I will suffer any pain for this baby.

It was lovely, darling.

The moment you were born, I knew I wanted you, darling.

(IN A DEEP, LOW VOICE) I did.

Mummy wanted you, sweetie.

Oh...

However, the day after...

Shut up!

Oh, it's rather stuffy in here, dear.

Saffy, are you alright?

Why are you so close to your mother like that?

We're just bonding.

It's nothing you'd know about.

We going to this party, Ed?

What's she been saying to you, dear?

Oh, she's been telling me about my birth, Gran.

Oh, you know, you mustn't believe a word your mother says, dear.

Never mind, Gran's here now.

(CHUCKLES) Something in a blue cagoule is hovering outside.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) Are you coming to this party or what?

I'm just waiting for the lady from the adoption agency to turn up.

Just run along and have a look.

See if you see her, darling.

I might just leave it with a note.

Well... What's it looking at me for?

What?

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)