(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (CHILD GIGGLING) Oh.

Morning, Saffy.

Morning, Gran.

Oh, I say.

Another Damien Hirst, no doubt.

So how are you, dear?

I'm fine.

I'm not ill. (MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm sorry, Gran.

It's just I've got all this lot to get through and there's so much information around.

There're so many books, and each one seems to say a different thing.

There's not enough time.

Oh.

Well, that's books for you.

Stick to a Puzzler, that's what I do.

Cup of tea?

Oh, that would be lovely, Gran.

Yes, wouldn't it?

(CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Hmm?

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (GASPS) Oh, big breakfast, dear?

Oh, Gran, we've been through this every day.

I'm pregnant.

I'm going to have a baby.

Please try to remember from day to day.

It's just, I'm starting to feel rather alone.

You shouldn't be standing there, dear.

You should be sitting down with your feet up.

(TUTTING) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (EERIE LAUGHTER) (EERIE LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Of course, I remember you're expecting, dear.

Gran is here for you, as they say.

It's just that when I knit...

I can't think at all.

Some people can knit... And tomato.

I can't.

Sometimes I can't even remember why I...

I mean... What is this?

-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) -(CHILD LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (IN A CHILD-LIKE VOICE) I'm a little baby, I'm a little baby.

(IN A HARSH VOICE) And I'm coming to get you.

I'm coming to get you.

I'm coming to get you.

Mama.

Mama.

(SCREAMING) (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ (EDINA WAILING) (EDINA CONTINUES WAILING) (SCREAMING) (DOORBELL BUZZES) That'll be the midwife.

She's dropping some stuff off for me.

(SIGHS) (SIGHS) I had that dream again, sweetheart.

Oh.

The one with the Daphne du Maurier midget.

-Saffy: Hello.

-Hello.

Here.

Momma needs you, sweetheart.

(GASPS) Oh, you.

The devil child.

Yeah, it's me.

Scary, scary.

(LAUGHS) Right, I've got the files, the info, and all the blah, blah, blah that you wanted.

Edina: Oh, God.

Oh, do you know something?

I could murder a drink.

Oh.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Cup of tea?

Well, if that's all you've got.

Yeah, well, that's all you're getting.

In that case, I have not got very long.

I'll just better get on with it and get started.

How to have a baby.

This is you.

This is the baby.

(SCREAMING) Pelvic bone.

Pelvic bone.

More drugs.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Push, woman, push.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, it's having a rest.

Here it comes.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) (PANTING) More drugs.

(MOANING) Stitch her up, nurse.

Are you sure you still want to have it at home?

Yes, I want to have my baby at home.

Yeah, well, not on my Bill Amberg rug, darling, no way.

Listen, the only thing is if it gets any bigger, you could get to the hospital and just have it... (WHISTLES) ...whipped out.

Oh.

You don't want a big tomato, Saffy.

Do you know my baby was so big, it treated my inside like a smorgasbord.

It picked my bones clean.

I was a baby buffet.

Do you know, I was so long in labor, they had to shave me twice.

Oh, well, I'd better get on my way.

I've got an antenatal clinic to go to.

Thirty sweaty, wobbling women, squatting on the floor, focusing on their exit holes.

All believing that they can breathe their way through childbirth.

(SCOFFS) I tell them.

I say, "When push comes to shove, you'll be screaming for drugs and... the bed, darling."

Oh, thanks very much.

You shouldn't have bothered.

I'll just go and say goodbye to the fat cow.

-(IN A CHILD-LIKE VOICE) Mama.

Mama.

-Oh, stop it.

Stop it.

This is why I have the dreams.

-(MOANING) -Stop it.

Oh, darling.

Who was that woman, dear, and what was she selling?

Oh, Gran.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I'd better be off.

I've got to get this lot down to the charity shop.

Oh, God, no one's that poor.

Or that shape.

-Bye, Gran.

-Mother: Bye, dear.

(MOCKINGLY) Bye, Gran.

(EDINA SIGHS) (SIGHS) You won't ever be called that.

No, I won't ever be called that, darling.

I shall have its little tiny tongue removed if it even begins to form the G word.

-I'm glad we're talking.

-We're not talking.

Sorry.

(HUFFING) Did you have, you know... coitus interruptus... (MUMBLES) -What?

-Sex.

Did you have sex?

-Yes, of course.

-Oh, shut up.

Oh, just shut up.

Shut up.

I thought it might have been like a pipette or test tube or a drunk gay man, darling.

-No.

-Oh.

-Was it a drunk?

-No.

-Gay man, darling?

-No.

Mum, I had a relationship with someone I met in Africa.

I didn't mean to get pregnant, but when I found out, I knew immediately I wanted to keep it.

This...

This modern thinking, darling.

"Oh, I've got to keep it.

Oh, I think I'm having a baby.

I better keep it."

In my day, that would have been douched out by morning, let me tell you, darling.

Oh, yeah.

A huge, huge tsunami of vinegar water would have flushed out those little swimmers mid-breaststroke, darling.

Did you say Africa?

Africa, darling?

Were you taking the el precautiones, the el condomiana?

Darling?

Africa, sweetheart.

-Yes, of course.

-(SIGHS WITH RELIEF) Out there, you have to have a blood test before you even kiss.

Oh, what a turn on.

And... And does he...

I'm presuming it's a he...

Does he, the little ginger minger, bearded, blind aid worker, four foot tall... That's all I'm imagining, sweetheart.

Does he know that you are over here now, you, Rosemary, carrying his devil's spawn?

-He's a mature student here at the LSE.

-Oh.

-His name's John Johnston.

-(MOCKINGLY) John Johnston.

And we're going to see how things go.

Things might be different over here.

Things might be different over here, darling.

Things like not having any money.

Oh, yeah.

Is he gonna support it?

Huh?

-He's a student.

I shall get a job.

-Edina: Oh.

Look, we haven't really talked about it.

I mean, he only got back last week -and I haven't really-- -(GASPING) You haven't told him, have you, darling?

You haven't told him.

Oh!

He's not gonna want anything to do with that.

(CHUCKLES) You know how you're gonna end up?

Some squalid little pram-face.

Oh, yes.

Little single mum.

He's not gonna want anything to do with you now, darling.

He's coming over today, I am going to tell him, but he doesn't have to have anything to do with it if he doesn't want to.

You are on your own.

You are solo.

(CHUCKLES) -Ah!

-I can go and live with Dad.

Yeah, alright then, go and live with Dad.

Go and get a job, live with Dad, because if you think, darling, that I am lashing my many, many important clients to the publicity treadmill just so I can pay for some illegitimate panty pads... -Nappies.

-Nappies.

I knew they were nappies.

...you've got another thing coming.

(PATSY HISSES) You're sitting in Patsy's place.

She can sit over there.

She always sits there!

Darling, I've told her she's on her own and we are not speaking to her.

Zip.

-Patsy: Mm-mm-mm.

-What is this?

Alright, unzip for that one.

A clinic.

-I'm not gonna say anything else.

-No, zip, zip, zip.

I'm 25 weeks.

I'm afraid you're rather too late.

Ooh.

25 weeks.

Do you know, there's a stink in here, Eddy?

There's a little bit of a... vile, musky whiff of fecundity in the air.

Sorry about that, darling.

Do you want a drink?

(IN A CHILDISH VOICE) Yes, I do.

Oh, I'll get you one.

I'll get you one.

(COUGHING) (EXAGGERATED COUGH) -Mum.

-Oh, don't be so stupid.

Smoke can't get in there, darling.

Smoke can't touch the baby.

If it could, you would have come out looking like prosciutto, believe me.

-Or Donatella.

-(LAUGHING) Yes, darling.

-Liver sausage in a wig.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) Anyway, just because you're pregnant, doesn't mean we have to get on our knees and worship your swollen, fat, pregnant little toes.

Oh, shut up, Eddy.

The thought of that little specimen's feet...

It's like a purge.

-I think I'm gonna throw up.

-Oh.

Saffy: What?

What are you going to throw up?

You don't eat and you barely breathe.

Your body has no natural functions left.

How dare you be offended by mine?

-"Natural"?

Na-- -Oh, steady, Pats.

Steady, Pats.

Oh, hang on, Eddy.

Just keep my place here, won't you, darling?

Just make sure... No, I'll keep your place.

It's alright.

I'll keep that place there, yeah.

I'll get my feet over there.

(LOUDLY) Natural.

Do you think in the natural world you wouldn't have been strangled at birth?

You wouldn't have lived to see the sunrise, let alone breed.

(MIMICKING A WITCH) Sometimes it's kinder...

I'm not saying anything else, Eddy.

No, that's it.

That's it.That's it.

Mum, John is coming over at lunchtime and it would help me if you weren't here.

-Book club, Eddy.

-(GASPS) Book club?

Yes, book club, darling.

Our book club.

In fact, I better go and get ready for our book club, darling, so you and your little foetus and your sperm donor won't have to put up with us.

(GASPS) It kicked.

Well, of course it did.

Who wouldn't?

I'm tempted myself.

Darling, if the little father of the spawn comes -we're gonna ignore him, are we?

-Just ignore them, Eddy.

-Ignore them.

-Yeah, ignore them.

-This is book club, alright, darling?

-This is book club.

Now who's coming today?

(SNAPS FINGERS) -Alright, darling, it's me, you, Mariella Frostrup... -Ooh.

Ugh, I know, but she's coming because she says she's gonna bring Geri Halliwell, Trudie Styler and Liz Hurley.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) -Oh, and Plum.

Yeah, Plum.

-Yeah.

-Little Plum Berkeley, queen of the spas.

-Oh, yes, darling.

She's the, the embodiment of the Condé Nast Traveller.

-(MOCK SHUDDERING) -She is New Age philosophy -with a Cartier wristwatch.

-Yeah, darling.

Do you know, sweetheart, -I think we should get in with her.

-Yeah.

I mean, she is our ticket to sort of five-star -luxury pampering on a global scale.

-Mm-hmm.

I mean, spas are the new holiday for the urban stressite, and I am an urban stressite.

I've got urban stress, haven't I, sweetheart?

Plum has put Aman's health spas -and shambhala clinics in every third world nation.

-Fantastic.

-Hot-stone massage and salt-scrub wrap in Kabul... -Ohh.

Ooh.

...to the exotic sound of small arms fire.

Ugh.

Yes, darling.

And, and, and just families of refugees herded over Western bodies to stamp out the cellulite.

(LAUGHING) -Tone with the Tuareg.

-Ahh.

-Massage with the Maasai.

-Yeah, darling, but there's whales and the oils... -Ooh, and the water and the water... -Water, yeah.

Oh, we've gotta get in with Plum.

-Yeah, but darling, listen, Plum... -Yeah, yeah.

...Plum is quite a complex character.

-Yeah, I'll be fine with her, darling.

-No, Eddy, Eddy, just treat her with respect.

-Don't just go bulldozing in.

-I won't bulldoze in there.

Get to know Plum, alright?

Yeah, that's it, yeah, that's what we're gonna do.

Oh, and read books, of course.

Here's Mariella.

Hello, darling.

All: Hi.

-Where's Liz Hurley?

-Oh, she couldn't make it.

-Both: Aw.

-Still searching for a father.

-But you promised.

-No, I didn't.

Well, then where's Geri Halliwell?

Still chubbing up at a fat farm?

And where's Plum?

She's down there, doing corpse.

What?

Where?

Plum?

Ooh, ooh.

Plum.

Ow!

Jesus Christ.

Plum.

Plum darling, are you alright?

-Don't touch me.

-I'm so sorry.

Mr. Chang says I mustn't be touched, my skin cells have to replenish.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I have been scrubbed with beetle husk.

(MUMBLING) Darling, he's sandpapered you to the bone.

I was.

There's only one layer of skin holding me in.

Oh.

I can't get up now.

I'm in another life.

-Oh.

-Wake me up again.

Don't look at me like that.

I didn't know she was there.

I thought it was an old bit of sushi.

I couldn't see.

-I can see her brain beating.

-Edina: Yes.

-Plum, are you corpse?

-Plum: Hmm.

(MOUTHS) (CHANTING) Armani and Ungaro too, Armani and Ungaro too...

Here we go.

Oh.

You have woken the dead.

Plum: I need a cushion.

-She needs a cushion.

-My old colonic injury.

Cool cushion for Plum.

Ooh, there we are, sweetheart, there we are.

Ooh.

I'm sorry I'm in such a foul mood.

I was in the Amanpuki spa in Chad last week, and there was a small local rebellion.

They bound and gagged with an enema tube and pinned me to the table with hot stones for over three hours.

And they took everything, watch, credit card...

It was a nightmare.

Oh, spa nightmare, darling.

Tragic.

Come on, she needs hydrating.

Get some... (SPOUTING GIBBERISH) Get something for Plum.

You alright, darling?

-Would you like a nibble?

-Not nibbles.

-Why?

-Not nibbles.

Not nibbles.

Plum, come on, hydrate.

I'll just... (CHANTING) Oh, stroke you... (SIGHS) Hi, John.

Oh, my angel.

I'm afraid I had a little difficulty finding the property.

Oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh, I think I bit your nose.

-It's okay.

-How are you?

-I'm well, yeah.

-I got all your letters, all your news.

-Oh, good.

It was marvelous.

And the paper.

Oh, was it a vellum?

It was such good quality.

I think it was slightly embossed, which is very good because it means that it absorbs the ink more thoroughly.

Oh, right.

What was the make of that paper?

Uh, I can't remember.

I don't normally read.

Well, I mean... Well, you know, I don't normally read anything, but I...

I read this.

-Well done, you.

-Patsy: Thank you, thank you.

Well, it is major themes though.

Major themes.

Did you read it?

Well, yeah, yeah, but I skimmed.

I'm a skimmer.

It's about the two realities of America.

Exactly.

The immigrant and the old establishment.

Let's hope she doesn't become a symbol of the inexorability of fate.

I agree.

What do you think, Eddy?

Well, who, who, who?

We're talking about the character.

The main character, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Oh, God!

Darling.

Catherine Zeta-Jones?

We're not still on her, are we?

-I'm on Liza Minnelli.

-Yeah, so am I. I'm on Liza.

She's like a very old chick that's not quite pecked her way out of the egg.

Edina: Yes.

Why has she got a coconut growing out of her head?

No, darling, that's not a coconut, that's her husband.

Oh.

I love little Liza.

She always hugs me.

It's not a hug, you fool.

-That's how she moves around the room.

-Edina: Yes.

Swinging from friend to friend like a crazed spider monkey.

(CHUCKLES) (MOCKINGLY) "Hello, how are ya?

Hello, how are ya?

"Hello, how are ya?

Both: "Hello, how are ya?

Hello, how are ya?"

"Hello, how are ya?

Life is a cabaret."

-Humanity is her crutch.

-Yeah.

-Nibble?

-No.

Not nibbles.

You heard me say no nibbles.

-This is such a nice building.

-Yes.

How have you been?

I've been well.

You know, in your letter, on the good paper, you said that it was cold here.

I can't see that.

I think the temperature is very satisfactory.

Well, what is the system of heating?

What?

How is the house heated?

Oh, it's central heating.

Oh, combination?

It must be a Valiant 350 to heat a building of this size.

-Where is it situated?

-Um, I-I don't know.

Uh, John, listen, look, I really need to talk to you.

-Yeah.

-Um... (CLEARS THROAT) Um, I need to know where we stand.

Are we still together?

Oh, yes.

I want to continue the relationship with you.

-You're my girl.

-(GIGGLING) -John... -Yes?

What are you thinking?

-What am I thinking?

-Yes.

Be honest.

-I was wondering... -Yes?

...what is holding up the ceiling?

Shall we start?

-Edina: Oh.

-I thought we had.

No.

No.

-(FEEDBACK SQUEALS) -Shall I do the apologies?

Oh, for God's sake.

Go on, then.

Quickly.

-(ECHOING) Apologies from Geri.

-Edina: Oh.

She's so, so sorry.

-Edina: Get on with it.

-Liv can't make it.

-She's sorry.

-Edina: Please stop it.

(SINGING IN MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Get on with it.

Nicole is weeping with regret... -Oh, for Christ's sake.

-(MOCK WEEPING) -Drop it.

-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) Names, names, names.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry, name, sorry, name, sorry, name.

Blah, blah, blah.

-Edina: Come on.

-I'm Princess Anne?

It can't just be us.

What happens if you don't turn up?

I'm not sitting here on my own.

You won't, darling.

Oh, don't look at me, Eddy.

You're the celebrity PR.

Oh, come on, you're supposed to know everyone.

You know all the LA set.

"Ooh, I'm George Clooney's best friend.

Here's me and Hugh Grant."

I mean, you virtually greet 'em at immigration with a microphone.

So?

And I've seen you spread-eagled on every red carpet in town, darling.

Where's Jerry?

Where's Marie Helvin?

Edina: We don't want Jerry and Marie because we know they're gonna say yes.

They've said yes before you've even pressed the first number of their telephone number, they would have said yes.

We want the people who say no.

What about Joan Collins?

Oh, darling.

She's in liquid form now, we'd have to pour her in and paste her together again.

Plum, Plum, Plum.

Could Julia Roberts' lips get any bigger?

(LAUGHING) It looks as if she's giving birth to her own head.

(LAUGHING) Oh, darling.

Plum, Plum, Plum.

Renee Zellweger or blowfish?

It's the same thing.

(LAUGHING) -Plum.

-Who's Dane Winston?

No, that's Dale Winton, darling.

That's Dale Winton.

-Why?

-He looks like my luggage.

Yeah, same color.

-Edina: Oh.

-Are we going to talk about a book?

(GROANS) We've only done ten minutes on the mags, Mariella.

Some of us haven't got all afternoon.

Are you in a time warp?

-Darling, let's talk to Plum.

-Yeah.

Shall we talk to Plum?

Darling, all these little freebies you get... We were wondering, could Patsy and I get one of those?

Could we get a free holiday with Condé Nast?

You have to write an article about them.

Oh.

Well, I can write.

More than 200 words?

No, no.

(LAUGHING) No, I couldn't do that.

-Frankly, you earn it.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

I'm off the Prozac.

-Oh?

Ooh.

-Mr. Chang has given me Tong-hoh-hing.

-Oh.

-Is that winter worm?

-Mm-hmm.

Opens my portals.

Yes, it would.

Fascinating though your medical condition is, this is a book club.

A book club.

So I suggest we take out our books and spend, let's say, five minutes on the pocket-sized abridged version -of The Picture of Dorian Gray.

-(MOANING) Oh, I can't.

It's tiny.

It's the smallest book I could find.

I'm going to feed my meter.

With nibbles?

I think I'll join her.

Well, thank you, Mariella Frostrup.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

I can't think what I'm doing here.

(SIGHS) Saffron?

I can't work out if this is a P trap or an S trap.

John, listen, please.

Will you just sit down?

I need to talk to you seriously.

(SIGHS) I really loved my time with you in Uganda.

Oh, thank you.

John, do you remember almost exactly 25 weeks ago we were at the UN globalization and social order talk in Lueto?

Oh, yes, that was marvelous.

Yes, but do you remember what happened after?

Oh, yes.

The seminar.

That was fascinating.

No.

After that, we went out.

-Yes?

-To that bar in the Hotel Sunshine.

Yeah, who, who was there?

I always remember according to who was there.

I was there.

And then we took the lake road back to your tent.

Oh, yes, yes.

And I stayed the night and... Are you talking about the night we had intimate relations?

Yes.

Well, why didn't you say so?

"Don't you remember 25 weeks ago when we had intimate relations?"

-Oh... John, I... -(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) What are you looking for?

The way out.

(TAPPING) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY) (SOBBING) I don't want another baby in the house.

All babies hate me.

-(CHILD SHRIEKING) -I run after this white blob that's gonna be raised to hate me, I don't want that.

Darling Plum...

I think, Plum...

Plum?

Plu... Whoa.

Hello.

Oh.

How do you do?

I was wondering if you knew where the boiler was.

Well, funny you should say that, I'm looking for a rising main myself.

I need my ring sealed, um...

I know the gutter's sagging a bit, but, uh... Any chance of a plunger up the waste pipe?

-You are a very fine-looking woman... -Why, thank you.

-And I wouldn't want to offend you... -No?

But I'm already having a relationship with this young lady here.

Get out!

Patsy: Oh, Plum.

Oh, darling... Come on, darling.

Come, sweetheart.

Just keep it in till we get upstairs, darling.

There we are, darling.

There we are.

Open, open.

(SPRAY HISSING) I'm going to do a salutation to the sun.

Oh, that's good.

-(SIGHS) -Hold me, Pats.

Yeah, I'm here.

Is that your daughter downstairs?

-What, did you see her?

-She's a bit fat, isn't she?

She's not fat, she's pregnant.

Yes, well, anyway, um... By that big, black guy?

(EXHALES) What?

Is she pregnant by that big, black guy?

Shut up, Plum.

Just salute the sun.

-Pats?

-Patsy: No, Eddy... Black?

He's black?

(GASPS) (CHORTLING) (EDINA GASPS) I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby.

I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby, darling.

Eddy, it doesn't make any difference.

It's still a baby.

Oh, that makes a difference, darling.

A mixed-race baby is the finest accessory any one in my position could ever have, sweetheart.

Oh, my God.

It's the must-have of the season.

-It's the Chanel of babies!

-Patsy: No, Eddy, Eddy.

Eddy!

Oh.

(MOANING) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (MUSIC CONTINUES) What are you trying to say?

-I'm... -(EDINA YELLING INCOHERENTLY) Oh, sweetheart darling, it's gonna be alright, darling!

Oh, I was wrong.

Momma's gonna love the baby, darling.

I want the baby, I want the baby, I'll pay for the baby.

I'll support the baby, everything, darling.

He's the father?

We don't want him, darling, we don't need him, 'cause I'm going to love it, I'm gonna have a cool single mum.

We don't need him, I'm gonna love baby.

Me love baby, sweetheart.

-(EDINA SIGHS) -...pregnant.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Wheels on fire ♪ ♪ Rolling down the road ♪ ♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪ ♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ Pregnant?

-Yes.

-Oh, my darling.

What do you think?

I think you should tell everyone when you first see them.

You don't want them to think you're fat.

♪ This wheel shall explode ♪ (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)