[♪♪♪] -Well, hi there, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, all the ships at sea.

-And children of all ages.

-[laughs] What an intro.

-Oh, I know.

-Slumber party?

-Slumber party, uh-huh.

-I knew I was a little sleepy today or something.

-Yeah?

Well, we could all tell.

You look like you've been in bed.

-From here down, I have my Dr. Dentons on.

[Laban] Oh, and they're so cute.

-And my trap door was open a few minutes ago, I knew I was picking up a breeze from somewhere.

-[Laban laughs] -But anyway, I'm gonna do something that's kind of interesting called Southern Fast Track Chicken.

-Oh, my-- who sent this one in?

-Oh, this was sent in by the lovely and semi-voluptuous Sue Bisher of Macon, Georgia.

Georgia.

And I gotta tell you, I've never done a chicken dish where you used a cooking bag.

-[Laban] Hm-mm.

-And this thing, I cooked one up.

It's in there right now, re-cook it.

And it smells wonderful.

I think this could be a good recipe.

I believe that, Sue, you've sent a good one.

We'll find out after a while.

-Well, somebody named Dennis, from parts unknown, sent this recipe that I'm gonna do to us.

No last name.

No return address and no name for it.

But it's a breakfast casserole kind of thing with sausage and eggs.

And I'm gonna start fryin' up a pound and a half of sausage.

-Oh, I know who that's from.

I know who it's from.

-Who?

-It's from my friend Dennis Roland out in California.

[Laban] Oh!

-Just ask and I would have told you.

[Laban] Oh.

Well, good.

Well-- -In fact, I had this at his very home... -Oh, well, good.

-...one day, which was fabulous.

-Well, I hope it turns out all right because, Dennis, we know who you are and where you are now.

And you could be in some deep problems.

-[Larry] Well, Laban... Laban...

I hate to tell you, but I have had it and it was wonderful.

-Oh, that doesn't make any difference.

That was in California.

-So that puts the onus on you.

-No, that was in California.

You know how things go in California.

[Larry] No, that was in Harrisonburg, Virginia.

-Well, I thought you said he was in California.

-That's where he is now.

When I had it, he was in Harrisonburg, Virginia.

-Oh, well, it was so bad he had to leave town.

[laughs] -[laughs] Would you be offended if I-- -No, you go right on, 'cause, you know-- I mean, how much do you have to know to fry a pound and a half of sausage?

-I have to wash my chicken.

-[Laban] Oh, yes.

It's filthy and corrupt.

-Can you say that on television?

I'm gonna-- I have some boneless chicken breasts and I'm gonna wash 'em because the wash lady will get upset, the one who got really huffy about the fact that we threw-- anyway, I'm gonna wash 'em.

So I'll be back in a minute.

It's all yours.

-Oh, thank you so much.

Well as you fry the sausage up or down, you need to break it up as it goes so that it'll be in little pieces when you get through.

And this is the cheapest sausage I could find at the store.

And incidentally, this is not a recipe for those of you like moi with problems de heart.

Mm-mm.

This is instant cholesterol death, this recipe.

So I just wanna tell you upfront that this is not a healthy recipe.

But then, some of you don't care.

You'd commit suicide.

[Larry] Doesn't bother me.

-But I mean, well, there are a lot of people that don't have coronary artery disease.

You can have this without any trouble.

-[Larry] I just had a treadmill test a few weeks ago, and I'm good for about six more of these kind of recipes.

-[Laban] Oh, well good.

-They tell me I'll hold out for another half a season before I have the big one.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-I've taken these chicken breasts and I have washed 'em, and I'll put 'em in this.

And now, I'm gonna take just some plain old off-the-shelf zesty Italian-- in fact I have some reduced calorie dressin'.

And I'm gonna put that over top of it.

You know, it seemed to me like although it does not say that you should do this, it would seem it would be a good idea if you just stick this chicken in it and just marinate it for a while in there.

-[Laban] Yeah, just stick the chicken in it.

[Larry] So that's what I'm gonna do just a little bit.

-Well, remember we did that recipe from Doug Pearlman where we marinated the chicken in Italian dressin' and barbecued it.

-[Larry] I don't remember that-- -Remember, we barbecued it in my backyard.

-Ah.

Now, the next thing I got to do is I've got these pole beans that I went out back of the studio here and picked a little bit earlier this afternoon right off the pole.

And you know what you have to do with those, for those of you who are too ignorant to know that these don't come in cans, what you have to do-- This is what they look like in their natural state, and you pluck the ends off of 'em and then you snap 'em in half.

And I'm gonna do about a pound of those, a half a pound, pardon me.

Just take 'em and click, click, snap, snap and you got it.

So, I'm gonna be a little while doin' this, back to Mr. Johnson.

-Well, while our sausage is fryin', we've got seven slices of bread, just plain old white bread.

And it has to be cubed.

So, I'm goin' to cube it, cut it, each slice in four pieces that way and then turn it this way and cut it in four, and you got it cubed.

And you put it over in a bowl.

And while you're doin' this, you melt half a stick of margarine.

I suppose you could use butter this time, since you got all the other stuff in here.

But I'm usin' margarine because that's what I had.

And you wanna cube all seven slices of white bread.

I guess you health food fanatics out there could use whole wheat or something but again, I don't think it would make any difference on this one.

-You know, we were laughin' a minute ago about how people don't really know what things look like in their natural state, and I will tell you that I saw a TV show the other night where some folks were just drawing pictures of things for psychological tests on one of those high-tone shows like they have on public television.

You know the kind-- just real boring shows.

But anyway-- just jokin', I love public TV.

[all laugh] I love it, I really do.

I have to, I'm on it.

So anyway, but a lady drew a picture of corn.

And the corn was growin' directly out of the ground.

It was not growin' on stalks.

The little corn was comin'-- -[Laban] Like pineapple.

[laughs] -Yeah, like little pineapples.

I really kind of get worried when I see something like that.

I don't know where she is today.

But I know where I am, right here on public television.

So, I'm still doin' these pole beans.

-Well, I've got all my bread now.

It's cubed and it's in this bowl.

And as soon as your margarine is melted-- and this is melted.

Let me turn off the-- how do you turn this thing off?

There you go.

You pour the margarine over this bread, just like it's popcorn.

That thing is still on.

Oh, well.

There it is, it's off.

Isn't this excitin'?

You're shellin' the beans and I'm-- now, you gotta keep this sausage stirred up here.

Let me stir it some more.

Oh, me.

And now, I've got to grate a half a pound of cheddar cheese.

And I'm usin' a sharp cheddar, because I like sharp better than I do mild.

[Larry] As do I.

-And so here's my-- I'll grate this baby up now.

-Boy, this is a slumber party.

-Well, it is.

-[both laugh] -Well, I mean, you know, the sparkling repartee.

-[Larry] Well, you got to do-- -You gotta do what you gotta do.

-There are certain things in the kitchen-- let me ask you this.

Are you always funny in your kitchen?

I doubt it very seriously.

-Well, some people think so.

And I'm even more hilarious in other rooms.

[laughs] -[Larry] I've heard that, too.

But anyway, just goin' along here, the chicken is just marinatin' [laughs] and the pole beans is polin'.

[Laban] And the viewers are insulted.

-And the chickens are chicken, and the viewers are revoltin'.

But then they always were.

Oh, me.

So anyway, we're just continuin' on.

You know, I don't use bakin' bags very often.

Do you?

-No, I don't.

[Larry] It's something I just don't think of doin'.

-I used to use 'em a lot and they were real handy and everything, but-- [Larry] But what happened?

Did they become unhandy?

-No, I just-- I don't know.

[Larry] Did you have one turn on you?

What-- -No, I just didn't buy 'em anymore.

I don't why.

-Just stopped buyin' 'em.

-I mean, they always seemed like they were good recipe, I mean a good idea.

[Larry] Yeah.

-A product well worth having in your larder or in your pantry or whatever you wanna call it.

Oh, me.

Well, I'll grate this a little bit more.

[Larry] Well, I've had it with this bean stringin'.

You know, I did a lot of this when I was a kid on the farm, and I hate it.

-[Laban] Oh, no.

Not again!

Please don't make us hear all those stories.

-[laughs] I did, I really did, and I hated it.

And when you'd get to the last pickin' of the season, you know what you'd have to do then?

You'd have to go out and pull all of the stalks up and bring 'em in on the porch and pull the stuff off.

I hated that.

-[Laban] Ooh.

-It was awful.

-Let's stir this sausage around a little bit.

Now, over here in the bowl, I've got three eggs broken up.

-Whew!

Thank heavens.

-And they're just all broken up and cryin'.

-Yeah, I noticed they're right broken up.

-Uh-huh, just totally put out.

Now, you need this sausage cooked pretty good, but it is gonna bake for over a half an hour, so you don't have to fry it until it's golden brown.

-Now, I'm gonna take two onions and I'm just gonna quarter 'em.

Take the little outside off 'cause that's real rough to eat.

And I'm gonna quarter two of 'em because they're gonna go into this little bag o' goodness.

So I'm gonna start that little process right now and that's about all I'm gonna be doin' for a bit.

We have the Cook Sisters'll be by in a little while, not just yet.

Don't get excited.

-Here are my three eggs, whole eggs, in my bowl here and I'm gonna whip 'em for who laid the rail.

-[Larry] Oh.

-[Laban] With my whisk.

What' wrong?

[Larry] I have gotten a lowdown, nasty, rude, terribly rotten... -Oh, a bad onion over there.

-...only-other-one-that-I-have onion.

One onion quartered in this recipe.

-[Laban] Oh, I should have-- -You always know to bring along an extra onion.

I don't know why I just never think of it, but I didn't.

Go ahead, Laban.

-Well, you know, we used to have a bag of 'em hangin' there, but they kept growin' green.

[Larry laughs] -All right now, to these three eggs that have been whipped, I'm goin' to add one cup and one half of milk, Vitamin D whole milk.

And stir, whip 'em up real good.

[Larry] Well, you're right.

This does take a lot of dishes-- bowls, pans.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

Somebody's gonna have to wash forever today.

I don't know-- whose turn is it today?

[Larry] No one's admittin' to it.

-Oh, nobody wants to-- Well now, Larry, I'm gonna start assemblin' this thing here.

[Larry] Well, take your time.

-Now, you need a nine-by-nine, Dennis says, a nine-by-nine pan.

I don't have one.

I don't know who does.

-[Larry] Oh, Laban.

But Dennis was always real haughty about that particular point.

-[Laban] Well, tough nuggets.

-[laughs] -Anyway, I'm puttin' three-quarters of the bread over into a pan I bought at the store.

And you just shake it out in here and diddle it around.

Break up your cubes and-- [Larry] Look like right big cubes.

[Laban] Well, I mean, what do you want?

Little teeny ones?

Right on!

Hey, that stuff is jumpin'.

[Larry] Well, if you wanna know, yes.

-[singing] The meat is jumpin'.

The sausage jumpin'.

Sure it's hot lookin'-- -While he's singing, I'm gonna take some potatoes now and I'm goin' to-- you're supposed to use six small to medium new potatoes.

Now, I couldn't find any yesterday, so I'm just gonna use some regular potatoes but I am goin' to quarter 'em also.

And that's all I'm gonna do for right now.

[Laban] Well, you know, we're havin' so much trouble with produce.

We're not in one of the big urban areas where they've got just millions of people comin' in with fresh vegetables day by day, you know, on an annual basis.

We don't have that here.

And so, I'm amazed Larry found the beans.

-They did have pole beans, I was surprised, and I had my own potatoes, dug 'em up myself last summer.

So these are my potatoes.

-[Laban] Did you really?

-Yeah, that's true.

I didn't have to depend on anybody for my potatoes.

-[Laban] Where did you dig 'em up from?

-From my business partner's land.

-[Laban] Oh.

-You wanna know the exact location?

You want me to produce a map?

-Yeah, uh-huh.

-And that's that.

-[Laban] I know where it is, where the blackberry patch is.

-[Larry] Hm-mm, that's right, down the blackberry patch.

-Hm-mm.

[Larry] So.

that's where they come from.

-[Laban] All right, here we go.

[humming] -And also, by the way, while things are a little dull here at our slumber party, I'm gonna take this-- -[Laban] Well, now-- -I'm gonna take this little thing of-- -[Laban] Clove.

-No, it's not a clove.

Do you know what you say it is?

A clove of garlan squashed.

That's what it says-- garlan squashed.

-But that is a clove.

-And you may wanna insert that clove-- yeah, it is.

I was only kiddin'.

Don't get haughty.

I was only kiddin'.

I'm gonna put that in there in anticipation of squishin' it a little later on.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

Oh, you're not gonna pre-squish it, huh?

-No, I just wanted to do something.

You know, you're still.

-[Laban] Oh, okay.

-.diddlin' around the sausage.

-[Laban] Well, I mean, it takes you a while to fry.

-[Larry] I know.

this sausage until it's done.

-[Larry] That's true.

That is true.

-You don't want anybody dyin' of a piece of bad sausage.

-[Larry] That's right, that's true.

[Laban] And it's gonna be done-- now, if we wanted to and had a great big pan, we could make a bodacious pan full of sausage-- -[together] Gravy.

Oo-ooh!

-[Larry] Anyway-- [laughs] -But we won't.

-I think you do have to be-- -You can tell we're from the South.

-[laughs] I was gonna say I think you do have to be a true Southerner to really appreciate how excited we all were about that one remark.

I just love-- I'll run up gravy any day of the week out of anything.

It's incredible.

Possum gravy if I have to.

-[Laban] Well, Lord, that looks like a piece of bone.

-Oof.

anyway.

Well while we're waitin' for that to sort of cook up and before I start assemblin' mine, perhaps we ought to have our visit from the Cook Sisters.

-[Laban] Oh, yeah.

-You know, they are always-- -[Laban] The delightful old girls, and they were talkin' about usin' what they had today to take you out behind the barn with.

-[laughs] They'd never do that.

-Oh, yes, they would.

-Although I do think they have a paddle of some kind, as I recall.

-[Laban] And you deserve it.

-Oh, Sis!

-Oh, oh, oh!

What?

[Tootsie Cook] I think a hummingbird's flown in there.

-No, no, it's just a big old moth.

-Whew.

Well, yeah, I guess you're right.

-Moth-eaten.

-[Tootsie Cook] Hey, I brought another toy along out on to the porch.

[Sister Cook] Oh, that looks dangerous.

-Guess what this is.

Open your mouth-- -Ah, no, no, no!

It reminds me of that big thing Dr. Rocco used to use on us.

-No, no.

That's not it.

[Sister Cook] Now, what is it?

-Well, it's a butter paddle.

-Oh, no, it isn't.

-[Tootsie Cook] What is it?

-No, no, no.

It's that paddle the principal had over to the school to use on Baby Ray, the school midget.

-Oh, no.

They'd never use that on that-- I'll swear, I knew she'd bring up that midget just 'cause I went with him.

Listen, let me tell you.

This is a butter paddle.

-[Sister Cook] Oh.

-[Tootsie Cook] You know, when they got the butter all close to bein' ready, they'd smack it into submission with this to get all of the liquids-- -[Sister Cook] Oh!

-[Tootsie Cook] out of it and put the salt in it.

-I see.

I thought it referred to bein' the location it was used on you.

I'm Sister Cook.

-And I'm Tootsie Cook.

[together] And we're the Cook sisters.

-[laughs] -Oh, amazing.

Well, I wanna start takin' off my sausage here.

[Larry] Take off your sausage.

-And you wanna let it drain so all the natural juices are pourin' out here.

And then you just sprinkle it over your bread cubes.

[Larry laughs] [Laban] What are you laughin' at?

[Larry] I don't know.

[laughs] -Well, you know it is funny.

[Larry] It is a good recipe, I will tell you that.

But it seems to be like an awful lot of trouble.

Could you fix this ahead of time and put it in your refrigerator-- -[Laban] I don't think so.

-[Larry] and bring it out-- [Laban] I don't think it would be good.

[Larry] Well, you'd have to get up at 4 o'clock in the mornin' to serve anybody this dish.

-Well, you know, I mean, you can do it in half an hour.

-I noticed Dennis was right-- he was real tired by the time I got to breakfast.

He was servin' a whole bunch of people that day.

Dennis, by the way, is indeed watchin' this show for the first time out in California.

So, I hope you see your recipe.

And I hope you don't sue us.

-Well, who cares?

-[Larry laughs] -Oh!

[laughter] [Larry] Go ahead and run up some gravy while you're at it.

-I am, I'm goin' to.

-[Larry laughs] We need some gravy.

-I wanna dump out some-- some of these grease here.

[Larry] Oh, no, not in that-- -[man] Oh.

no.

-[Larry plastic.

Oh, my gosh.

-No, it didn't.

No, it will be all right.

I dumped it in the Styrofoam.

All right, now, where is the flour?

Let me just put a little flour over in here.

And you need to let this flour cook up here a little bit.

[Larry] I need some tongs or something.

Have you got any tongs?

[clears throat] [Laban] Now, while this flour is cookin', now we come back over here to the casserole.

And after you have put all your sausage in there, now you wanna sprinkle your cheese over your sausage.

If this is good, I know what I'm gonna do with this next year.

I'm gonna serve this at one of those Christmas things that I have to do for my [indistinct] when I've got-- -You'll be fryin' the sausage for two weeks.

-Uh-huh.

When I've got thousands of people there workin' for-- there we go.

All right, now.

[dishes clatter] We bring our egg and milk mixture and we're gonna pour it over everything.

[man] Oh, boy.

[Laban] Mm-mm, mm.

And you're gonna bake it in a 350-degree oven for 35-- or for 18 minutes.

Then you take it out and you put the remainder of the bread cubes on it, and then you bake it for another 18 minutes and it's done.

-[Larry] That's it, huh?

-That's it.

-Okay, time to assemble this thing.

Now, you got your cookin' bag, and it calls for a large cookin' bag.

And we've had our chicken breasts in here sort of marinatin' around in this Italian dressin'.

I tell you, this is really-- it smells like a delightful recipe.

So you put those in there.

And I have never found a way to put this stuff in these bags without gettin' it all over you.

Not much you can do about it.

So, put 'em in there.

It calls for four.

This looks like, more like three.

I don't know what happened.

Well, the chicken had-- well, never mind.

But anyway, now you put that in there and now, I've got my pole beans.

About half a pound and you just delicately put those in there.

They're gonna cook-- this is a one-pot meal, or a one-bag meal as the case may be.

As opposed to a two-bagger that-- well, that's another joke.

But anyway-- -[Laban laughs] [Larry] Now, [chuckles] big clove of garlic.

And we're gonna take that and squish that right around in there.

Oh, boy!

Let me get a knife and get that off of there.

Woo, boy.

I wanna tell you, when this starts cookin'-- mm, is that nice.

And we take our potatoes and we put 'em in there.

A little salt and pepper on that chicken, I forgot to do that but it's all right.

It will be all right.

You've had too much salt and pepper anyway today, I can just tell.

And then you take your quarters of your onion and you put that in there also.

Now I don't believe that there's anything that I haven't put in there.

The pole beans, the onions, the potatoes, the garlic and of course, the Italian dressing, and then all you do is just take that and-- and just, you know, fold it all up and put the thing on it and put a little slit on the top of it so it does not explode and blow you into next week.

Do you do that?

When you use a cookin' bag?

Put a little one right there.

They also tell you, the instructions on the bag are, you're supposed to put a little bit of-- a little bit of flour in there.

-[Laban] Flour.

Oh!

-And they say about a tablespoon of flour.

That's what the people that make these bags call for.

But it worried me a little 'cause this recipe doesn't call for flour.

So, what if you don't want flour in it?

So, I don't know.

Just stick a hole in it and hope it doesn't explode.

-[Laban] Well, Larry-- -Put it in the oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour, and it will be delightful.

You will just love it.

And mine's ready to come out momentarily.

-Well, and here is the sausage gravy.

And it's made up and it's just a real nice consistency.

And I think I'll put it over on the table and we can put it on our dishes if they don't turn out.

[laughter] [Larry] Let's see the recipes.

-Oh, yeah, we better.

Mystery Recipe from somebody named Dennis.

Half pound grated sharp cheddar, two and a half cups of sausage, that's also the same as a pound and a half.

Seven slices of white bread cubed, three eggs, one and a half cups milk, quarter cup of margarine melted.

And that's it.

[Larry] Mighty short recipe for as long as it took.

Southern Fast Track Chicken sent in by Sue Bisher of Macon, Georgia.

Four chicken breasts skin removed, half a pound of pole beans, one to two medium onions, oh, well it says one to two.

No, but-- five to six small to medium new potatoes, if you can find 'em and if you got 'em; a clove of garlic squashed and Italian dressing.

Pour it on the chicken, put it in the oven, 350 degrees and mwah!

It shall be good.

I'm gonna take mine out in just a second here.

I think it's a good recipe.

I really do.

-Well, I think Miss Witch needs to get in here, too.

-Well, where is she?

-Well, bring her on in.

-She's here some-- oh, here she is.

Here we go.

I'll let you read that while I take this out of the oven.

-"Dear men, if you can't read this, "it's because we can't see to write.

The lights are out."

-[Larry laughs] Uh-oh.

-"What can you cook when the lights are out?"

-Uh-oh.

-And it's from Charles L. Watt of Menlo Park, New Jersey.

-[dishes clattering] -Excuse me.

-Well, make enough noise there, why don't you?

Good grief.

-Well, I'm sorry.

-[indistinct].

Well, I'm goin' over here and sit down.

I'm ready.

-[Larry] Well, go ahead and eat.

I don't care.

Just get on out of here.

All right, I figure I can waste another two minutes gettin' this stuff out of the bag.

[Laban] Well, I want to have enough time to eat.

-Here it is.

Woo, it's steamy hot.

I'm just gonna rip it open 'cause I can't wait.

And I'm just gonna take some of this lovely chicken, lovely beans and potatoes and.

it's not comin' out.

[laughter] Yeah, I was gonna say, I think it'd be easier to pick the bag up and dump it all out.

I hate to be too indelicate about it, though, 'cause, you know, delicacy is everything.

Ooh, it smells good, though, it really does, even if you can't get it out.

I think the platter is a little large.

Don't you, ladies and gentlemen?

[Laban] Hm-mm.

-It is a right large platter.

[scoffs] I can't get anything out of here.

[both laughing] [Larry] Excuse me.

[Laban] Oh, this is so good over here.

I just wish I could tell you.

- [Larry laughing] -[Laban] Hm-mm.

-[Larry] He's going on and eatin' without me, I knew he would.

-Oh, this is delicious.

-[Larry] Well, it's real pretty.

If I could just get it out, ladies and gentlemen, it would be real nice.

I got one minute to get it out, I'm gonna get it out.

[laughter] Oh, isn't that pretty.

[laughs] [Laban] I believe that's why I quit usin' the cookin' bags.

-[laughs] -I think I just-- I think I just found out why you don't use these things.

It's hard to get this stuff out.

Here, have some chicken and beans and potatoes and this and that and the other.

Ooh, it just looks so pretty.

-Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

-Hm, this looks like a right substantial meal, ladies and gentlemen, that we have here.

-Well, it's supposed to be for a lot of people before you go to bed, so you'll sleep good and not mess around.

-That's right.

Let me try some of this sausage mess.

Not as good as Dennis'.

[laughter] [Larry laughing] -I was prepared for it, folks.

I knew he was gonna say something rude.

What do you mean, wigglin'--?

-[laughs] Bye!

[♪♪♪] [music fades away]