[♪♪♪] [Larry] ...forward.

-Now you all remember the famous Bugala Bunny, don't you?

-Nah.

"What's up, Doc?"

-Oh, just-- -I love raw carrots.

You know, I don't like 'em cooked.

-They're good for you.

-But I love 'em raw.

-I like 'em any way.

I used to not like 'em cooked, but I do now.

-Well, I do, too.

We used to go out in the garden, just pull 'em up, knock that dirt off, and eat 'em, right like they were.

-And radishes that way.

My, oh my, oh my.

I got some of the prettiest radishes the other day at the grocery store, and I'm gettin' ready to put in my crop of radishes tomorrow.

-Good for you.

People today would be appalled at the thought of going out and pulling something out of the ground and eating it without washing it.

-Mm-hm.

Well, yes.

-But hey, we all lived to tell it.

-Yep, that's right.

You grew up on a farm doing it, and I visited one all the time.

And we're still here.

-That's right.

-So, we haven't gotten those awful things.

What are we doing today?

-Well, you know, I thought a little bit later on-- -[Laban grunts] -Oh, you mean, here on the show.

Oh, I don't have any idea.

-Yeah.

-I hope the witch is gonna tell us.

-Darling, you need some moisturizer.

-[laughs] It's been so dry.

Oh, we have a witch loose in the studio.

-Oh, she came back.

I guess she wanted a big dose of moisturizer.

"Dear Fat Boys and Doris, "is it true that Swiss steak is better when it comes from "the side of the cow is on-- when the side of the cow "is on the higher side of the Alp?

The side of the lower level is tough.

See drawing."

-[Larry] What?

-And well, here's the drawing.

And Uncle Jim is gonna get a close shot.

See that cow standing on the side of the hill?

-[Larry] Is that what that is?

-So, the one closest to the top is tender, and the leg on the other side is right tough because it supports the weight of the cow.

[Larry] Well, you know, I grew up on a farm, and I really don't think I ever knew that.

Well, just amazing.

You learn something every day.

-Yeah.

It is.

I didn't know that they were like that, but it's signed Worth Cheese of New Bern, North Carolina.

-[Larry chuckles] -Well, let's see what we're doing today.

You're doing, Bly... What are you doing?

-I'm doing Swiss Steak.

-[both yodeling] -Sent in by Cathleen Wright of Roanoke, Virginia.

-And I-- oh, that's nice.

And I'm doing Buckeye Garlic Mashers, sent in by Martha Stackhouse of Pitman, New Jersey.

-Buckeye Garlic Mashers.

-Mm-hm.

You'll see.

You'll see.

-I reckon I will.

The very lovely and semi-voluptuous Doris is gonna be in after a while.

She's got Summer Cold Butterbean Salad.

I know you'll love that.

-[disgusted groan] Eww.

-That's-- -Unclean.

-Johnson-- -I hate lima beans.

-He hates beans, period.

-I despise the beans of the young limas.

-I don't think I've ever run into anybody that hated the beans.

Beans is everybody's friend.

Well, for the most part.

-Not mine.

-[Larry] But anyway.

-Well, Larry, on mine, just so people will know what's going on, you have to have five large baking potatoes.

And I think, by large, that's the kind that you get in a lot of restaurants.

You know, those huge whoppers, but five large baking potatoes.

And you cook 'em until they're tender, along with an entire head of garlic that's been peeled.

[Larry] Uh-huh.

Good heavens.

[Laban] So, that's all I want to say right now.

[Larry] I'll bet your house was odiferous with the smell.

-Well, I haven't done it yet.

I brought it over here to do it.

You think I'm crazy?

-Oh boy, are we all happy?

So, the first thing I got to do is take an onion.

It says a medium onion, and this looks a little on the small to medium size, but we won't get too picky.

And you have to slice it thick, thick, thick, four pieces.

-Doris, do we have a colander?

-Next thing you do is, you take these over here and you put 'em into a slow cooker.

We did a Swiss Steak recipe many years ago that required poundin' the dickens out of it.

And I think you did it.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

Yep.

-And poundin' in all of the flour and all that, but this one doesn't require any of that.

This is a very slow, methodical method.

And what you have to do is get beef round bottom steak, or round steak, and I got some real pretty ones, about three-quarters inch thick or half-inch thick or so.

Very lovely.

So, what you-- oh, wait a minute, I can't do anything with that.

I'll do somethin' else.

So, well, the first thing you have to do is take 'em out of the package.

-[both laugh] -I think I can handle that.

But the next thing I have to do, sort of have to do this in steps, is you got to make up the seasoning that it goes into.

So, the first thing we do is we take a little flour.

It calls specifically for two tablespoons.

We'll just drop a couple of those in there.

Like so.

Greatest of plenty.

Just plain old... flour... and stick that over there.

And into that goes a half a teaspoon paprika.

Give or take a little.

And a half a teaspoon of salt, optional, and you know that I opt for it every time because you never outgrow your need for salt.

And they recently came up with a study that says that salt may not cause high blood pressure.

Figure that one out.

Doesn't make any sense to me.

A little black pepper also goes in there.

Just a wee little bit.

-[Laban] And could I have that?

-Oh, you certainly can.

No additional charge.

[Laban] I'll need it later on.

Thank you so much.

-Shows what great people we are down here on the Cookin' Cheap set.

And now you just diddle that around and mix it.

If I had a little fork, I'd probably be a little better off but that's okay.

The kitchen help here has just given up on me.

Because I got haughty earlier before we start.

Now, what you have to do-- oh, bless your heart.

Thank you.

The kitchen help has come through after all.

I appreciate it very much.

And make sure you just gotta mix that around real good.

Well, I hear Hammerstrom on Camera 1 has got bubblegum today.

[Laban] That's all he can afford to eat right now.

-Now what you do is you dredge your round steak in that and do it-- put quite a bit on it.

Don't be wimpy about it.

Don't be afraid to... -You know, we're gonna have to go over to the Hammerstrom's.

[Larry] Why is that?

Have we been invited over?

-No, but that has never stopped us.

[laughter] -They're puttin' in a new kitchen at his house.

-[Larry] Is that so?

-Yeah, that's why he can only chew bubblegum and can't afford to eat.

-Will it have all the latest technological advances in it as far as cookery is concerned?

Yes, he says it will.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Take this and you put it on top of the onions is what it says, down in your cooking pot.

Like so.

See?

Two of 'em in this particular case.

I tell you, this smells wonderful.

I, you know, all, you are from the school.

I mean, you taught school for years and years and years.

And as you know, ever-- I don't know about down here, but where I came from, every banquet that was ever held in the school cafeteria, they had Swiss Steak.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Now why is that?

Tell me that.

-[Laban] It's just easy to cook.

-Because you can do it on a big pan and just bake it?

[Laban] You do it in a big pan.

It's easy.

You got gravy to cover up any sins of the knife.

-Well-- -[Laban] And you know, it just works real well.

-All those years, I never could identify what it was.

No one would ever tell me.

[Laban] Well, some of that government meat, probably.

[Larry] Well, that, perhaps it's best I didn't know.

So, put that down in there, too.

See that?

-[Laban] Oh, that's good.

[Larry] And I'm gonna put just a little more salt and pepper on top of that, just for safety sake.

Go ahead.

-All right, I've got a stick of butter.

Actually, I'm using a margarine that needs to be melted in the electromagnetic oven over here.

And let me melt that and that's gonna go in with the potatoes here in a few minutes.

-You know, Johnson, I thought of you today, and I wish you could have been with me for just a brief couple of minutes.

You know, I do see some of the funniest things go on down Campbell Avenue in front of my office.

-[Laban] Oh, I know.

-They installed, about a year ago, a telephone booth directly across from my building.

And my business partner, Marty Hall, loves to go and dial me up on it just for laughs, and I say, where you calling from?

He says, well, look out your window, and then he waves to me.

It's a going joke.

But anyway, today I was sittin' at my desk, working real hard.

And I looked up, and there sat a woman on a folding chair making a call.

-[laughter] -I just thought that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

-Well, you know, I have to pass that, your place, every day, sometimes twice a day, going to the theater to be in the play I'm working in right now.

And I'll tell you, Campbell Avenue is a trip... -It's crazy.

-...in Roanoke.

-It's just nuts.

-You can see anything you want to see on Campbell Avenue.

-Excuse me.

I didn't mean to get any... Now the next thing I have to do is start chopping a few things, preparatory to the next step.

And you take a small, peeled carrot and a small rib of celery, and you chop that up.

So, I'm just gonna do a little choppy thing right now.

-All right, well, I'm going to start mashing on these potatoes if that's all right with you.

-Oh, do it.

Just mash 'em one at a time.

[chuckles softly] Mash each and every bit... -Now I'm going to tell you the truth.

These are supposed to be put through a food mill at this point, and I have a real nice one that's real pretty, and I cleaned it up and tried it out this morning.

Worked like a jewel, and I came off and left it at home, so I'm going to do it the hard way with ye old potato masher.

And I hope I don't have to get Doris to come in and mash 'em.

[Larry] Oh, I'd love to see her do it.

[Laban] And this mashes the garlic right up.

[Larry] I think she's in a mashing mood today.

[Laban] Mm-hm.

Mash.

[Larry] She said she had just gone to a mash, or is that a mosh?

I can't remember which, but anyway... it was the monster mash.

This is the way your mama did this, you know?

[Laban] Your mama.

[Larry] And when your mama felt just as bad as you did, she still did it for you anyway, didn't she?

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

Yes, she did.

[Larry] See.

What goes around comes around.

Well, you're doing a great job of it.

Now, you missed one there.

[chuckles] [Laban] Now I'll tell you, now you add in the stick of melted butter.

-[Larry] Oh-oh.

[Laban] I didn't say this was a healthy recipe, folks.

[Larry] I could just eat that the way it sets right now.

Just pass it over here.

You don't have to mess it up with anything else.

Just give me that and I'll sit down and be a happy boy for the rest of the day.

I'm gonna-- well, I just hate to interrupt.

Do we have...?

Maybe we have a slow-mo of that potato mashing thing.

-Now I have to put in a cup-- or a half a cup rather of half-and-half.

-Half is about where I'd like to be right about now.

-Uh-huh.

[Larry] Which half is that, by the way?

-[Laban] The back half.

-[Larry] The bad half.

-All right, now, I will continue to squirt around with this.

You go ahead.

-[Larry] Well, I-- the only thing I have to do is another-- I'm using up some stuff.

So, it says, one peeled carrot, chopped.

I'm using two because I like carrots, and I had an extra one left and I hate to waste it.

Waste not, want not.

So, I'm choppin' that up and that goes in there.

I love carrots.

Mm-mm-mm, I certainly do.

Okay, now that goes in right on top of the meat.

Let's put it in there.

All of that.

This just smells divine.

Smells wonderful.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

[Larry] I think that it's a good recipe.

Now the next thing I have to do is take a big old-- look at this one.

It's got one of those advertisements written on it.

[Laban] Oh yes.

So, they'll know that it's a pepper when you get up to the cash register.

-Okay, so you have to make sure you take the little signs off your vegetables anymore.

Something we're having to-- now get used to.

And we have green pepper, and I'm just going to take the insides of that out, and what you do is you slice this into real thin slivers.

And while we're doing that, why don't we just, I'll give my recipe, and Mr. Johnson, you give yours?

-[Laban] All right.

I have just added about a half a teaspoon of black pepper to this.

[Larry] Well, for heaven's sakes, couldn't you have added it on camera?

Would've taken up ten seconds.

Okay, the Swiss Steak.

One-and-a-half pounds of round steak, three-quarter inch thick, or thereabouts.

Two tablespoons of plain flour to dredge it in, and with that, you mix a half teaspoon of salt, quarter of a teaspoon of black pepper, half a teaspoon of paprika.

And then, on top of all that, well, actually you set that down on a medium onion, sliced real thick, and then you throw all your vegetables on top of your meat.

That's peeled carrot, chopped, small rib celery, chopped, and one 15-ounce canned tomato sauce, or a can of chicken or mushroom soup undiluted.

I have gone for the tomato sauce today.

And a small green pepper cut into strips, which I'm doing momentarily.

-[Laban] But do it real slow.

-[Larry] Oh, I will.

-The Buckeye Garlic Mashers requires five large baking potatoes, peeled and quartered, one small head of garlic, peeled, one teaspoon of salt, a half cup of butter melted, one half cup of half-and-half, and pepper to taste.

And that's all you need.

And the recipe is from Martha Stackhouse of Pitman, New Jersey.

-Well, in a couple of minutes, we'll have the lovely Doris in here to show her recipe and tell us what's in it.

But right at the moment, we're going to take this and just slice this real thin because this goes on top of the steak, and you don't want-- you know, I don't remember that there was-- I guess you could make this stuff different ways, like, about like anything else, but I don't remember that there was peppers on top of 'em.

[Laban] No, we never had it when Mama made it at home.

We never had it.

For one thing, peppers give-- everybody in my family gets indigestion with peppers.

-[Larry] Uh-huh.

-So...

But I'll eat it, and be glad of it.

-[Larry] Well, it's real good.

And besides, it's been cooking for about 15 hours now.

I can't imagine there'd be a thing in there that would hurt you.

It's all been diluted and everything else.

And... [Laban] You know, I'm so concerned about El Nino out there in California.

-[Larry] Oh, really?

[Laban] Coming through and ruinin' all the vegetables that all of us people on the East Coast are going to be hurtin' for certain this spring.

-[Larry] Well, I was watching-- -'Til it comes up in our yards.

[Larry] I was watching the Today Show the other day, and they actually had a man on whose name was Al Nino.

He said that he had been blamed for everything.

Felt pretty sorry for the guy.

Seemed a nice enough fella.

But beyond his name, that just wasn't much he had to say or offer.

Okay, now you take this, and you put that in there on top.

You know, I have to say that this is right pretty.

And then to that today, I am adding a can of tomato sauce.

And just take that and pour it around.

[Laban] Which of course is not 16 ounces, I bet.

[Larry] Well, of course not.

It's 15 ounces.

[Laban] Yep.

[Larry] And I should have bought another can.

-[Laban] No, that's alright.

-[Doris] No, it says 15.

[Larry] Oh, it does say 15.

Doris says-- [Laban] There's a recipe that's up-to-date.

[Larry] How about that?

How about that?

And that goes in there.

And then what you do is you cover that.

Let me show you how you cover it.

There you go.

You cover that.

And you can do one of two things.

You can either put it on low heat for eight to ten hours, which means that you put it in as you're going to bed and it'll be ready by the time you got up the next day.

Or, you can put it on high for three to four hours.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-So, anyway.

[Laban] You know, you can cook your corned beef in those slow cookers.

I just love mine.

I use it all the time.

-And now, the very lovely Miss Doris is going to come out and tell us about her recipe for the day.

Miss Doris is making her way into-- okay.

Well, isn't this a prissy little presentation?

Look at this.

-Well, my dish was very simple, too, today.

And it only took a few ingredients, and I wondered about it when I first made it, but it turned out to be pretty good.

-And it's right-pretty the way you finished it all out there.

[Doris] But if you go somewhere or something, I feel like you have to dress it up a little bit.

It didn't have any color for television.

[Larry] Did you raise those gherkins yourself?

-[Doris] No.

-[Larry] Oh, okay.

-[Doris] I used to make pickles.

-[Laban] Are they sweet?

-[Doris] No, they're dill.

-[Laban] Yeah.

[Larry] And we're glad you warned us about that.

Looks like you could have thrown a little pepper on top of it.

[Doris] You know, the funny part of it is it doesn't call for any seasoning.

It has-- you take two packages of frozen baby lima beans or butterbeans and cook 'em... -[Laban] Eech!

[Doris] ...according to the directions, a 10-ounce, and you can find that-- no, a 12-ounce can of shoepeg, the white corn, and then one cup of Hellmann's mayonnaise and one bunch-- -[Larry] Watch your mouth.

[Doris] Well, that's the way-- well, it says Hellmann's mayonnaise.

-[Larry] Watch your mouth.

-[Doris] But I think if you use any other kind, it would be just fine.

And I don't even know if I use it.

[Laban] Oh, ain't that sweet of her to say it.

[Doris] 'Cause I use whatever the coupon is that they tripled it at a certain store.

[laughs] But anyway, that's all you put in it, and I-- it doesn't have any kind of seasoning in it.

And I did add salt when I cooked the butterbeans, but it doesn't call for any... -Maybe some chopped fresh dill would be really good in it.

-...anything at all.

But absolutely nothing.

But it tastes pretty good.

And it's not too bad.

-Oh Doris, aren't you sure you didn't leave something out?

-No, but later on, I'll tell you.

[laughs] -I still think it could use some pepper.

-[Laban] Dogs must've eaten it.

-[Doris] No, no.

I don't know why I had-- That's-- see how bland it looks if you don't put all that stuff on top of it.

It turned out pretty good.

But... [Larry] I want-- I insist upon having an egg and a gherkin on mine.

Even though the gherkin is one of those horrible ones.

Where did you get those, by the way?

-[Doris] I don't know.

-[Larry] Just something that you just bought?

-[Doris] Yeah.

-[Larry] Now we better not-- -[Doris] We used to make pickles all the time, but... -We'd better not give Mr. Johnson that egg, you know?

[Doris] With all that, you don't need it.

[Larry] No, we don't need it.

Okay, thank you.

You can take that over on table.

I'm going to scoop out-- what I did was I transferred mine over to a different dish so I could heat it up today, so we wouldn't have it cold because, you know, it takes a... [Laban] Really cold beef is real hard to chew.

-It takes a stockpot forever to get up to speed, but look at this.

I think it's right pretty.

I think it's quite lovely.

If I hadn't splattered it all over the world and back, but anyway, there it is.

And it's-- it smells good, too.

It really does.

It smells just so delicious, and that wonderful sauce on top.

[loud clanking noise] Well, someone has dropped their pencil.

So, anyway, that's what it looks like.

It's a real lovely presentation.

I'm gonna take it over.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that we'll have to go over there.

-Well, I've got this big bowl of mashed potatoes.

-Well, make sure you get it all out of there now.

-Well, I'm doing the best I can.

-Dig around.

Make sure you get it all.

[sighs heavily] I can't think of a time I've needed a glass of water worse than right now.

Bad case of the dry mouth, for some reason.

Oh, well, look, Doris is back with something.

Come over here.

Let me see that.

Doris has surprised us with cupcakes.

-[Laban] Uh-huh.

-Aren't we all excited and thrilled?

Let's look at these cupcakes.

[Laban] Like there's a mystery involved.

-This was in the paper this weekend.

And I thought it turned out pretty good.

It's carrot muffins, but I think she used a bigger pan because mine are kind of little.

I got two dozen when you're only supposed to have one.

[Larry] What kind of icing?

Is it just little-- [Doris] And it's just the cream cheese icing on top.

It's like little carrot cake.

-What people don't realize is that Doris comes down here every week, not only to help us out, but she also bakes all sorts of stuff for the crew.

And this is just something I guess you brought down for us.

-I thought that the-- this week, they had a bunch of muffin recipes in the paper that sounded really good.

I think she did really well with her recipes this week.

-Very good.

Well, we'll take those, put 'em over on the table too.

I may actually just take these directly to my car, to be quite honest with you.

Anyway, I'll go over here and join Mr. Johnson at the old table.

Well, the potatoes look wonderful.

Do they have lots of garlic in 'em?

[Laban] They got a whole head of garlic in it.

But you know, when the garlic cooks, it is tempered.

It's not quite as... -Strong.

-...as strong.

So, don't be afraid of putting the whole head of garlic in.

How'd they taste?

-I think they're yummy.

I think they need-- -Well, they ought to be.

[Larry] --just a little bit of salt, I believe, would be right nice, but-- oh, they really do have-- you don't get that.

You don't get that garlic until it's gone down just about halfway down your gullet.

[Laban] Ooh, that's tasty.

And easy to do.

Any fool could do it, even you or your children.

-Well, let's see if this is-- this thing is-- move this spoon.

The spoon is up my nose, the camera person says.

I swear we have more time around here.

Well, it's definitely done.

I would certainly hope so.

Mm.

And it's tender.

And you know what?

It tastes pretty much like I remember the taste in high school.

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Mm.

Except maybe a little better.

-It's incredibly easy to make.

-It really is.

I really and truly-- I never knew what it was.

Now I'm going to try, I know you-- we can't depend on you to try this wonderful, lovely salad.

[Laban] I'll just-- I'll try.

But if I gag or something, go to another camera.

-[laughter] [Larry] You know what, it's pretty good.

-Mm-hm, it is.

-I think it tastes real good.

[crew] Why they call it Swiss steak?

-Why they call it Swiss steak?

Well, I don't know.

-[Laban] Just is.

[Larry] I don't know why it's called Swiss Steak.

I have no idea, but... let me go down the hall and ask somebody.

[Laban] Well, you know, over in Europe, where a lot of this stuff originated, they don't have just tons of beef that's real tender.

-[Larry] Oh.

-And a lot of the stuff has to be braised for a long time, and this is a braised dish, so that's probably where it came from.

[Larry] Well, and as we discussed, the schools, you know, used to, I guess they still do, use a lot of government-issue stuff, food, and you're right.

It does cover up a multiplicity of sins, and it also takes what might be an otherwise pretty gnarly piece of meat and turns-- tenderizes it because it cooks too slow.

-Mm-mm, that is really tasty.

-Well, I think I'm going to try one of these.

-Oh, I had a piece of one a while ago.

It was delicious.

-Before where we went on air?

-[Laban] Mm-hm.

-Huh!

Mm!

Oh, Doris!

That's just filled with all sorts of good stuff.

Well, I think it's a pretty good meal.

-It is.

It's real good.

You could serve this to the preacher on Sunday or any of your fine friends and be perfectly easy about doing it.

You know, you can put your slow cooker on early in the morning before you go to work or, you know, you go about your affairs, and you can do these mashed potatoes, or you can do the salad the night before and the mashed potatoes when you get home before they-- they're served.

-Mashed potatoes are something doesn't keep very well, so you want to make that the last thing you do.

-Yeah.

And then of course, if you got cold mashed potatoes, you can make potato cakes the next day, which are awfully good too.

-Oh, they're just wonderful.

-But these have got a wonderful flavor.

-You can say that again.

And in fact, I wish you would.

-All right.

These have a wonderful flavor.

-[laughs] Well, that's it.

Just when you thought there couldn't be anymore, there isn't.

Thank you, and goodbye.

[♪♪♪] [music fades out]