[music plays] [no dialogue] >>Kelly Runyon: For many of us, our pets are part of the family, and not just a dog or cat.

When they pass on, the situation can be traumatic.

On this episode of the Paw Report, we're joined by Cheryl Weber, a social worker and grief counselor from the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine, who will discuss grief after the loss of a pet.

Stay with us.

[music plays] Production for the Paw Report is made possible by: Inyart Tire and Auto Center, in Charleston and Mattoon.

Inyart offers complete auto repair.

Inyart Tire and Auto Center cares about our community and thanks you for being a responsible pet owner.

More information at Inyart.com.

Thank you for joining us for this episode of the Paw Report.

And we're joined by a very special guest, Cheryl Weber, who is a grief counselor with the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine.

And you know, today's topic is a little sensitive, but it's one that I think is important to address, especially for anyone that is a pet owner.

And that is experiencing the loss of your animal friend.

And you have a lot of experience with that, and talking to people that are grieving over the loss of their pet.

So, thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the Paw Report.

We're glad you're here.

>>Cheryl Weber: I'm very happy to be here today.

>>Kelly Runyon: Thank you.

You know, let's start with when you're deciding to put your animal, you know, to sleep.

That's a very hard decision for somebody, and it's a process that they have to go through.

Isn't it a process that they have to go through?

>>Cheryl Weber: It is a process.

And it's a difficult decision.

I've had many people tell me it's one of the toughest decisions that they've had to face.

They don't want to euthanize too soon, they don't want to euthanize too late.

And there's not exactly, like, a one right time.

So, there are important things to think about in terms of their pet's quality of life.

>>Kelly Runyon: And what are some of those things to think about?

>>Cheryl Weber: Pain, suffering, discomfort, you know, is one very important factor to look at.

Other quality of life indicators would be, is the pet still eating and drinking?

Is it able to get around?

Is it interacting?

Is it still enjoying life?

Is their pet able to do the things that it really enjoys doing?

>>Kelly Runyon: Mmhmm.

When you finally make that decision, maybe it's not something, that when you make the decision, the act is immediate.

You still have some time with your anima.

What advice can you give those pet owners to make their time with their friend and the pet's time left with us the most enjoyable?

>>Cheryl Weber: I often think of it as a time of making memories.

So, a part of that may be doing like a bucket list, and having some activities.

Maybe it's a final meal, maybe it's another trip to the dog park, maybe it's letting certain people know that time is short, and they might want to come visit the pet.

For some people, it can be doing more photographs.

I've seen people, whether they have a friend come over and take some family shots, or whether they have a professional photographer do some shots in the park.

Just enjoying each and every day, knowing that it's getting close to the end, trying to make the most of each day.

>>Kelly Runyon: Mmhmm.

I think, as a pet owner that has been through this, I think the one thing that I struggled with was the guilt.

Is, once the decision was made, and it took me a long time to kind of realize that it was time.

You know, I had very good friends, you know, sit down with me and talk with me about, you know, the situation.

But I still struggled with the guilt.

You know, am I making the right decision?

Is that something that's normal with pet owners, that they go through?

>>Cheryl Weber: It is.

The guilt of making that decision to let go, and I really feel it's a decision that we make of love because we care, and we don't want them to suffer.

But it's very normal to feel that guilt and that responsibility of ending a life.

And we do that because we love them, and we don't want to see them sick and not able to have any quality of life.

>>Kelly Runyon: Mmhmm.

And they can't talk to us.

They can't tell us when they're hurting.

I mean, you, and I think that was the other thing that you struggle with is that, because they can't really communicate with you, that you have to assume for yourself that they're not feeling so hot, and it's time.

Once the time does happen, should you feel guilty of ashamed of that act?

That was, the shame was another feeling that went through my mind.

Is that normal, too?

>>Cheryl Weber: It is, it is.

It's a difficult decision, and I think people are often surprised at how intense all the emotions are.

And it can be just the intense sadness, and the longing, and the missing, and it could be, you know, anger at why did my pet have to get cancer.

It could be, you know, embarrassment of I'm taking some time off of work because I just need to have some space to, you know, to kind of process through this.

And it's really important for people to see that it is normal to grieve the loss of their companion animal.

It's okay.

They're not going crazy.

But it is grief, and it's very intense.

You know, for many people that pet is a part of the family.

And you know, when we lose a human, we can grieve deeply because we've loved deeply.

And in our pets, they're such a source of unconditional love, and we can get very, very bonded and connected to them.

>>Kelly Runyon: Yes, we can.

You know, grief can be complicated, and everybody grieves differently, and there are different stages of grief.

I really would like for you to talk about that because I think once you answer that question, people out there have been through this can say oh, I'm not nuts, I'm not crazy.

I experienced that.

So, talk about how grief is complicated and the different levels of that process.

>>Cheryl Weber: Yeah.

There are many emotions that go with the grieving process.

And for many people, it could start out with some kind of a shock and disbelief.

For example, when you get the news that your pet has a terminal illness, or maybe your pet's, you know, dog's been hit by a car.

You know, so that can be a very intense and overwhelming time.

And so, you're just trying to absorb all of this information and trying to make the best decisions.

And then, after the loss, it can be just intense sadness, and just that overwhelming missing them and missing all the activities, all the routines, all the things that you did together.

And it really is a process, and it takes time, and it takes a different amount of time for different people.

You know, in the human world, many companies have like a bereavement policy, where you get, like, three days off work, and it's back to normal.

And we know that, that grief is often not resolved in three days.

And it really, it affects us, you know, physically.

I mean, people tell me, you know, I have a pit in my stomach, you know, I mean my heart's racing, you know, I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I don't feel right.

And it could be harder to concentrate and harder to think.

And so, I think we have to be gentle with ourselves as we're going through the grieving process, and take good care of ourselves while we're doing the things that help us work through those emotions, work through those feelings, and also remembering our pet.

>>Kelly Runyon: What are some things that can help get through that process?

A lot of the things that you talked about are exactly the things that I felt, and I know I'm not alone.

I know there are a lot of people out there watching, saying, me too.

So, what can we, I mean what can you do?

>>Cheryl Weber: [sighs] I think the two big tips that I like to give people is to first find ways to express the emotions, to work through the emotions.

For many people that might be talking to a friend, somebody who understands pet loss.

There are also hotlines and chatrooms, and discussion forums and pet loss support groups, other resources so that you understand that you are not alone, and that you have valid grief, and what you're going through is normal.

The second tip that I think is really important is to do things to honor and to remember their pet's life.

And that can be something as simple as getting their favorite photograph and having that framed, or putting it on their phone, or doing a scrapbook, or making a donation to a shelter, or things to remember and to honor.

>>Kelly Runyon: You know, and I don't mean to keep talking about me, but actually this is helping me too, I've found, and some people may say just the opposite, any friends of mine that have pets that I've found drawn to, when I go visit them, to kiss and love on their animals.

Is that a normal...

Some people may say just the opposite.

I don't want to be around any other dogs.

But for me, that was kind of a, that was a help.

>>Cheryl Weber: Yes, it can be healing to know that at that moment, you may not be ready to bring another one into your life, but to go and be around some of the other pets, you know, can just, absolutely.

Just, it just reminds you.

Reminds you, in the midst of your deep pain, of the joy, of the reason that we have these animals in our lives, is because they bring us that companionship, that joy.

And it's hard to live without.

>>Kelly Runyon: That's right.

Do you ever talk to people that maybe their grief and the reason why they're grieving, it being their animal family member is not appreciated?

Because I'm sure that, you know, people who aren't pet owners, that don't maybe treat their pets as part of the family, it's just a dog or a cat, they may respond differently to you.

And I'm sure you probably have people say, what do I do?

>>Cheryl Weber: Right, right.

There are people who, you know, maybe they're just not an animal lover, you know, and they could respond with, you know, well just get over it, or just get another one, or why are you so upset, or what's the big deal.

So, I really encourage people to seek out support from the people who get it.

From the people who understand that connection, that bond that we have.

Because, that's the people that you're going to get some support from.

I do say stay away from the people who don't get it.

>>Kelly Runyon: Yeah, because that's hard.

Because, you want somebody that can understand kind of what you're going through, and they understand that deep love that you have for that animal, that family member.

>>Cheryl Weber: I kind of think of it as like two sides to a coin.

On the one side, you have that deep love, that bond, you know, that unconditional love that goes back and forth.

But the other side to that coin is the deep pain that we feel when we lose them.

And you really can't have one without the other.

>>Kelly Runyon: In your previous answer, you mentioned people can seek out information on the web, hotlines.

And a hotline is something that's very close to you, that's something that you work at and help people on.

Can you talk about what that is?

You know, I didn't even know that there was something like that available for people.

So, talk about that outlet for people as a way to help with their grieving.

>>Cheryl Weber: Yeah.

The hotline can absolutely be a source of support and a source of information.

At the University of Illinois, we have a pet loss hotline that's been going since 1997.

And so, veterinary students who have special training in the human animal bond and grief take those phone calls.

And they're a listening ear, and they can be empathetic, and talk about what are resources out there, from chatrooms and discussion forums.

Mostly, what they're doing for people who call is is to validate that their grief is okay, and give them some tips for getting through.

Mostly, people want to be heard.

They want someone to understand what they're going through.

>>Kelly Runyon: What are most of the questions that come through?

Is it the, am I making the right decision?

Do you find that topping the list?

Or do you find, it's already happened, and now I don't know what to do?

>>Cheryl Weber: Yes.

Most of the time, it's the, it's already happened, and it may have been that day or a couple days ago.

And they're just in that overwhelming, what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

And so, we kind of educate about grief, and that what they're experiencing is normal, and then just offer some tips for doing the memorializing, doing the remembering.

Maybe working on the guilt.

And sometimes if people feel really guilty, maybe I didn't get the dog in soon enough, maybe I didn't see that lump.

I just didn't know.

You know, helping them understand that with our animals, many times when they're sick they hide things.

You know, it's their instinctual nature to cover-- >>Kelly Runyon: We do, too.

>>Cheryl Weber: Things up, right.

>>Kelly Runyon: You know, we don't want to go to the doctor, you know.

So, you're right.

It's instinctual that they do the same thing.

You mentioned, you know, when we talked prior to this interview, you said other things that people can do is also memorialize them with something.

Maybe not just a photo, but you talked about actual memorials that people, that might help them, too.

>>Cheryl Weber: Right, right.

For example, if someone buries their pet at home, they might do some kind of memorial stone with their name on it, and place that, you know, maybe by the grave, or some flowers or bushes.

Some people like to take their collection of photographs and put together, you know, like a video tribute, and maybe put some music to it.

So, they might start off with those puppy pictures, and have pictures all throughout their life, you know, and on Christmas cards.

You know, just memories.

Putting those memories together.

Because, when you're in the midst of the pain of the loss, you tend to focus on the death.

And so, it can help to look at the life and the lifetime, because there are oh so many memories.

>>Kelly Runyon: So many great memories, yeah.

And so many memories where you're like, I could have just... [laughs] Because I had many of those, too, when they chewed up my favorite shoes or whatever.

We've talked, Cheryl, about different levels of grief.

Let's talk about the people.

What about seniors?

You know, somebody that's a retired senior citizen that loses a pet.

Their dog or cat may be the only thing that they've got.

Do you find that their grieving is different?

>>Cheryl Weber: Well-- >>Kelly Runyon: Or how do they cope, or how do you offer advice to those folks?

>>Cheryl Weber: I think that, you know, sometimes with seniors, first of all they've probably experienced many losses over their lifetime.

And so, this is another one.

Often, they're thinking about, am I going to get another pet?

Do I, you know, want to take on another kitty cat that my live 15 years?

And what if I go in the hospital?

What if I need to go into assisted living?

You know, so they're kind of thinking ahead about that type of thing.

If they're living alone, that pet is their daily companion, 24 hours a day.

And so, it just disrupts the routines.

And oftentimes, there can be a connection.

So, for example, if the husband's favorite dog was that spaniel, and then he has passed.

And then now, you know, she's living with the dog.

And then when the dog passes, you know, it's kind of like- >>Kelly Runyon: That was her connection to her husband, too.

>>Cheryl Weber: Yes, yes.

You know, so it can be kind of losses on many levels.

And it's really important that they have support to get through that difficult time.

>>Kelly Runyon: What about the opposite side of the spectrum?

You've talked about senior citizens, but how do you assist a child that loses their family pet?

I'm sure that's different.

>>Cheryl Weber: Right, right.

The main advice that I give for children is to, first foremost, be honest with kids in terms of what's going on.

So, if a pet does have a terminal illness, to explain in words suitable for that child's age, you know, that Fluffy is really get sick, and Fluffy may die.

Or we may help Fluffy to die because she's just not going to be able to breathe, you know.

And, because kids get very connected to their pets, and they can understand a lot.

I even see kids, too, that are part of a euthanasia.

So, and then the second thing is to let kids to be involved to the extent that's appropriate.

So, a child may need to say goodbye, okay?

And that can be before or after a euthanasia.

A child may need to draw some pictures to remember their puppy, or make a poster, or maybe they want to have a keepsake, like a paw print in a piece of clay, or a clipping of hair.

You know, things like that.

Because, kids grieve, too.

>>Kelly Runyon: They do.

>>Cheryl Weber: Absolutely.

>>Kelly Runyon: In the last couple of minutes here, Cheryl, I think after we've talked about the actual act of euthanasia and the grief process that we go through, and I know everybody's different, when is it time to say, I think I'm ready to get another dog or cat, you know?

I mean, there's probably never a right decision, but I'm sure that there's probably some things that you should think about before you make that decision for your family.

>>Cheryl Weber: Yeah.

I suggest that the right time, and it does vary, it varies widely, but the right time is when you feel your heart is healed, and you're ready to love again.

And you're ready to love a different animal with a different personality, because we know these pets have their own unique personalities, their own quirks.

And we can never replace that companion that we lost.

There is no replacement; that mold has been broken.

So, so when we're ready to love a new one, then that's the time.

>>Kelly Runyon: Good advice.

And you know, I think we'll end it there because I think we need to end on a happy note, and know that, you know, even if you lose a special family member, it's okay to potentially add another one somewhere down the road.

And you've been most helpful to me and, I know, our viewers out there, because a lot of people have gone through the pet grieving process, and it's sure not easy.

So, thank you for your information today.

We really appreciate it.

>>Cheryl Weber: You are very welcome.

Thank you for inviting me.

>>Kelly Runyon: Have a video or a photo of your pet doing something funny or absolutely adorable?

We'd love to share it with our viewers here at the Paw Report.

Email it to weiu@weiu.net, and you can see it on our show!

Just make sure it's a video taken by you, or that you have permission to share it.

Fro more information about how to get that video or photo to us, email or call 217-581-5956.

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More information about the show is also available 24/7 on our website at weiu.net, under the television tab.

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If you have a topic that you'd like to see on the show, or questions for our experts, contact us with those, too.

Production for the Paw Report is made possible by: Inyart Tire and Auto Center, in Charleston and Mattoon.

Inyart offers complete auto repair.

Inyart Tire and Auto Center cares about our community and thanks you for being a responsible pet owner.

More information at Inyart.com.

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