(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) Do you want some ecstasy, Eddy?

Are you mad, darling?

No one's taking that anymore.

I mean, people are dragged from raves, bleeding from every orifice.

Yeah, but this isn't a rave, it's a happening.

Yeah.

Don't force me to take it, Pats.

I promised Saffy I wouldn't, darling.

Yeah, but she'll never find out.

I mean, she doesn't scare me.

-(DOOR OPENS) -Mum.

Keep the noise down.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Where's Olive?

She normally does me.

-She's sick.

-(SIGHS) I thought you were a nurse.

Why aren't you nursing?

This pays better.

How much was you hoping to lose?

Well, normally I lose about ten inches from all over my body.

How many times have you had this done?

Seven.

-I'll see what I can do.

-Yeah.

-But personally, I think you're wasting your money.

-Hmm.

-You want to lose weight?

-Hmm.

You want to move that fat bottom of yours -and get your mouth sewn up.

-Oh.

-You want to help the environment?

-Hmm.

Use your fat bottom and plug up the ozone layer.

Alright!

Are you trained at this?

I'm a nurse.

Bandaging is what I do best.

-And I've got the manual.

-Good.

Right.

Have you recently had or are you due for your period?

Well, yes, both.

Is that important?

-No, just making conversation.

-Edina: Oh.

Relax.

Mum.

-Oh, what?

-Aw!

-It's the little daughter.

-Oh, ow.

Mum, can you come downstairs, please?

Sweetie, have you seen what you're talking to?

Tutankhamun.

-Mum, it's important.

-(EDINA SIGHS) I've got some bad news.

Darling, I can't move for an hour.

I'm being shrunk.

And then I've gotta go and pick Patsy up from the hospital.

-(TUTS, SIGHS) -Oh, don't "tut-uh."

Do you think she wanted her stomach pumped again?

No.

She thought they were her antibiotics, darling.

Gran is downstairs and she wants to see you.

(SIGHS) Well, that's never really worked as a threat, that one, has it?

She's got some very sad news.

Oh, how tragic.

Oh, what?

What?

(CRYING) I think she should tell you.

Oh, come on.

I'm doing... Oh, God.

What are you blubbing for now?

Mum, come downstairs now!

Oh, God.

Alright, I'll come.

But if I come, the Dead Sea comes with me, is that alright?

Is it alright if I move?

Oh, there you go again, mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

Who cares if you're fat or thin?

Who cares if you live or die?

Gran?

Good morning, dear.

Oh, I say.

Is that all the rage?

It's a wrap.

Oh.

They've changed since my day.

Is it a Vivienne Westwood?

Gran, come on.

You've got something to tell Mum, haven't you?

-Do we have to?

-Come on, Gran.

Oh... No, you tell her, dear.

You're better at these things.

I don't know why, but I have the feeling that I might laugh.

That would just be an hysterical reaction.

Yes, hilarious, dear, but I do think it would be rather inappropriate.

Come on.

I mean, does this look comfortable?

Mum, maybe you should sit down.

No, darling.

My crust can't be broken.

You tell her, Saffy.

No, you tell her, Gran.

It'll be alright.

We could do one potato, two potato.

Just one of you, now.

One.

(SIGHS) -Both: Your... -Oh, no, dear.

-Alright.

You say.

-No, after you.

Mother: (SIGHS) Very well, then.

Edwina, dear, your father is dead.

Well done.

"Well done"?

Did she finish him off or something?

That was it, wasn't it, dear?

I'm not going mad, am I?

Granddad has died!

Is that all you can do?

All you can say?

Don't you think Gran needs a little bit more?

Oh, don't drag me into it, dear.

She's doing her best, I'm sure.

Now, don't you get yourself into a state.

Your father is dead.

What does that make you feel, Mum?

And you can stop smirking.

Upset, sweetie.

Upset.

Upset.

-There, I told you, dear.

-I'm not ready to crack yet.

Oh, leave the mummy and come to Granny, dear.

I am upset, darling.

(GROANS) Mum!

Just go back upstairs and don't come back down until you've really thought about it.

I have thought about it now, darling.

I have.

Come away from the old woman.

Come on.

Look, look, Mummy's upset.

-(CRYING FORCEFULLY) -Go!

I don't know how you do it, dear.

She would never do that for me.

I expect Granddad kept her in check, though.

Oh, no.

He was scared stiff of her.

These bandages are very clean.

Where's all the mud?

Well, is that good?

I don't know.

Get up.

Let me measure your wrists.

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

(SIGHS) Right.

(GASPS) I don't know how this can have happened.

What?

My God, woman!

What have you done?

What?

What?

This will take your mind off it, Saffy.

I'm sorry, Gran.

You're coping so well.

I just feel so sad.

It's alright, dear.

I've had longer to get used to the idea of Granddad dying.

We were married for nearly 40 years, you know.

It's just there's so much to think about.

To arrange.

Yes, all in good time.

Now, it's multiple choice questions.

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you ready?

"How many years was Margaret Thatcher Prime Minister?"

"A, 900 years.

"B, 3,000 years.

"C, 11 years."

Oh, it's a trick question.

Oh, it's alright.

No, it's not alright, is it, sweetie?

It's not alright.

It's impossible.

It just can't have happened, darling.

(WHIMPERS) Do you want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I've put on 12 inches all over my body!

I mean, my body absorbs mud!

Every pore is now an over-eater.

I don't understand you, Mum.

Oh, I'm a medical freak, sweetie.

Of course, they want you to say, "11 years."

And that makes me think that it must be "A, 900 years."

It was a very, very long time.

-(MUTTERING) -(SOBBING) Oh, dear.

What's the matter with her?

I mean, you know... She's upset about your father dying.

Well, still?

Look.

There are certain things that we should talk about, get sorted out.

I mean, like the funeral arrangements, the will, and also about Gran, I mean, where is she going to live?

Both: No.

What?

-She's not coming to live here.

-I am not going to live here.

-No, no, no!

-No!

No, dear.

I am quite happy where I am.

In fact, I'll have a bit more room.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes, dear.

Well, I spoke to the funeral directors this morning.

Oh, well done.

And it's going to be next Monday.

Alright.

I'll make a note of that.

I think I'm free.

Ooh, cancel bridge.

And then everyone can come here.

He-here?

And then go on to the church.

Yeah, well, I'm a Buddhist.

Well, don't come, then!

Don't do anything!

Don't think about it!

Don't care!

Mother: I think I'll be off.

I'll just pop home and sort things out there, dear.

Take care, and thank you.

Oh, goodbye.

Oh, goodbye.

I can't believe the way you're behaving, that you don't care.

I do care, darling.

Did he leave a will?

So what?

I'm just asking, you know, asking.

I mean, I've made out a will, you know, darling.

I mean, you get most of the money in my will, you know.

Hmm.

Hmm.

What do you think you'll do with it, darling, the money?

I don't want it.

You don't want it.

Well, just don't have it then.

I'd rather you didn't have it, in fact.

God, that's a rather depressing thought, isn't it?

That-that you might live on after me, isn't it?

Hmm?

You.

Hmm?

That's how I'm gonna be remembered, is it?

What, through you?

-Well, what do you want, a statue?

-Yes!

A great big, fat, ugly, armless statue?

I've got arms.

I've got arms!

I just want to bequeath something to the nation.

That's all.

Not just you.

(MOUTHS) I've got arms!

-Can I help you?

-Yeah, I wanna buy some art.

Have you seen something here?

No, I don't know.

I mean, I just, you know...

I just wanna get some, you know?

What else have you got?

We're a specialist gallery.

Perhaps if you knew what you were looking for, I could help you.

Is there someone else who could help me?

Oh, yeah, I wanna, you know, buy some art.

I'm a collector.

I like sort of modern stuff.

Please, come downstairs.

We'll see what we can do.

You only work in a shop, you know.

You can drop the attitude.

...in this exhibit, notice the quality in the texture of the brushstrokes.

We like to think the artist managed to, to cast off inertia and overcome habit in a continual renewal of himself.

Don't give me all this crap.

I understood you were a collector.

I am.

I'm a serious collector.

I'm not interested in artistic value, I just wanna know how much this is gonna be worth in 20 years' time, you know.

Oh, I see.

Why didn't you say so?

I've been showing you completely the wrong stuff.

All this?

This?

Well, get me the figures on that.

I want to see the figures.

And I like these here too.

These shoes.

I like them.

And the televisions, I like those there.

The televisions, there.

Also I want one of those, like, those blood heads.

You know, those frozen blood heads filled with blood.

Anything that's in the Saatchi collection.

I want things like that, alright?

I just want... everything.

Alright?

Everything.

It all looks like bollocks, so it must be worth something.

(UTENSILS CLATTERING) (SIGHS) (INAUDIBLE) Is that you, Mum?

What are you doing down here in the dark?

I heard you get up.

(EDINA SOBBING) (GROANS) Well, I suppose it had to hit me sooner or later, darling, didn't it?

Yes.

I mean... Actually, darling, it sort of made me think, you know.

Good.

I don't want to die!

I don't want to die!

Oh, dear.

I mean, sweetie, I know you think I don't feel things, you know, and...

I'm sorry we had that row this morning.

That's alright.

I've spent most of the money now, by the way, you know.

I don't care.

You still get the house though, darling.

You know that, don't you?

And any little keepsake.

Any little reminder you want of Mummy when she's passed away, when she's gone, darling.

Just say, it shall be yours, you know.

Mm-hmm.

-I can't really think of anything right now.

-Yeah.

There must be something though, isn't there something?

No.

-What, nothing?

-No, nothing.

Nothing the whole place?

Nothing?

(SIGHS) What, not an ashtray?

A piece of cutlery, a glass, something from the fridge?

Hmm?

Mum, I don't want to think about it.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna think about it either.

But I have to, 'cause I'm dying.

(SIGHS) -You're not.

-I am.

Look.

Look at those, darling.

Look, look, look.

They're stunted.

You bite your nails.

No, not the nails.

My lifelines.

My lifelines.

They look fine.

They end.

Mum, we all die.

Yeah, but I don't want to, darling.

Honestly, when I think how much I've invested in this body in this lifetime.

You know, I've had the best of everything.

I've been pampered by Champneys, I've been fed by Fortnums.

I've been shaved, plucked and moisturized, sweetie.

I mean, you know...

This carcass ain't croaking or I'll sue.

Mum, look, if you really want to talk about it, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me what you want when you die, I mean... -(EDINA SIGHS) -What sort of funeral?

Where would you like to be buried?

Well, I'm not dead yet.

Hang on.

I know.

I don't wanna be buried.

I don't wanna be buried, darling.

Have you ever been to a graveyard?

Have you ever, have you ever read a tombstone, sweetie?

Hmm?

You know.

"So-and-so fell asleep and was buried on...

date."

Fell asleep, sweetie!

No, no.

No grave for me, darling.

I'm a Buddhist anyway.

I want to be laid out on a rock in the Ganges, darling, and then just pecked by birds.

I don't wanna end up as some drugged-up zombie in a hospital, alright?

-I thought that would appeal to you.

-No... You know, I wanna die with a bit of dignity, you know.

I don't want the last words I hear to be "switch her off."

Mum, I wouldn't.

You wouldn't, would you, darling?

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

"Life is a mystery.

Everyone must stand alone.

-That's lovely.

-Yeah.

(INHALES AND EXHALES) "I hear you call my name and it feels like home."

Who said that?

It's Madonna, darling.

♪ When you call my name it's like a little prayer ♪ -(DOORBELL BUZZING) -♪ I'm down on-- ♪ Who can that be?

It's three o'clock in the morning.

It's probably some old drunk or something.

You go.

You go.

♪ Little prayer I'm down on my knees ♪ Come on, live.

Live.

(SIGHS) You were right.

I'm going to bed.

What are you doing here?

You were supposed to collect me, Eddy.

-What?

-From the hospital.

I was waiting.

(COUGHING) I'm sorry, darling.

You know, it's just that...

I've had some rather bad news today, that's all.

I need a drink.

It's very bad news actually, Pats.

Oh, what?

I'm dying.

-You can't!

-Well, I am!

Well, what am I supposed to do if you die?

Get cabs!

I think that's enough people, dear.

-It's not very many.

-I know.

I was always telling him to get out more and meet people.

Oh, I see she's in mourning at last.

Only for herself.

-Morning.

-Morning, Mrs. M. Good morning, Patsy.

Um, Eddy tells me that Mr. M, you know, dead.

-That's right.

-Well, um, I condole you.

Thank you, dear.

-He chose the right season to go.

-Mother: Hmm?

What do you mean?

Well, Harvey Nics have got some really tasty little black numbers at the moment.

And black is like, in, so you wouldn't have to wear it only the once.

(GASPS) No, it's my job to know these things.

Look at the silky sheen on your hair.

Silky sheen, silky sheen.

What are you doing, silky sheen?

What are you doing?

Here.

Here.

Making a list of family and friends for the funeral.

Family?

Family.

God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken, bastard pig-dog man, are you?

Hmm?

-You could just say "Dad."

-Edina: Well...

I'd still know what you meant.

Anyway, he can't come, he's away.

-Oh, good.

-And Marshall can't make the funeral, either.

He's flying to LA tomorrow.

But he might call in this morning to pay his respects.

-How kind.

-(SIGHS) No... Not with that bitch girlfriend.

(EDINA GROANS) -He's got a new one.

-Oh, no.

She's a therapist.

-Ugh.

-Let's get out of here.

-(DOORBELL BUZZING) -Oh, damn.

-The window.

The window.

-Stay!

You've done it again, dear.

"We are but mere ghosts.

"We are spirits soaring.

"For some say, forsooth, "that we die at our conception, "and will then henceforth be reborn into vibrant life "when we truly pass on.

"For herewith, I say to you, who can say whether we are alive or already dead."

-That's enough now, Sondra.

-Yeah.

To mother.

Oh, I'd like you to have this, you dear recently bereaved one.

Oh, I hope you don't mind me terming you so.

-There's a passage in the book that relates to that actually.

-(ALL GROANING) -Marshall.

-Sondra, that's enough, honey.

-Oh, just this little bit.

-(EDINA SIGHS) -Can I have a drink?

-What a good idea.

-Are you drinking again?

-Yeah.

-Welcome back, Marshall.

-Thanks, Pats.

I suppose you're no use to her unless you've got a problem, hmm?

How perceptive.

(CLEARS THROAT) (GASPS) "I am not what others perceive me to be.

-(EDINA SIGHS) -"I am not what I am called.

"I am not a name.

-I am my own invention."

-(SIGHS) I've heard that before somewhere.

It's Jung, or-- No, it's a traditional quote.

I'm merely using the meaning.

No credit required.

You can check it out with my lawyer.

-Here.

-Did you write this, dear?

-Yeah.

That's me, Sondra Lorrance.

-Mother: Oh.

I think the title says it all, don't you?

"Hey, it's great to grieve."

So, Marshall, how's the script coming?

Oh, no, do we have to know?

Well, it's at a real interesting stage.

You're doing just fine.

We had Keanu Reeves pull out, -which, which we feel really positive about now... -(SONDRA BREATHING DEEPLY) ...because it's taken a different course, entirely.

And-and a Japanese company has taken up the option to do it in animation form.

Pat yourself on the back for that.

-What, a cartoon?

-A cartoon.

-Animation.

-But a cartoon?

(LAUGHTER) Hi.

You really interest me.

I'd really like to talk to you.

Now don't worry, I'm a therapist.

I'm gestalt.

-And I'm g-going.

-Yeah, I'll join you.

Saff, I'm outta here.

I'm gonna change and then go and have lunch with Pats.

You really are very aggressive to her.

Do you perhaps feel that you blame and hold your daughter responsible for your ageing?

For your loss of looks?

No, what's your excuse?

(CHUCKLES) (MOANS) That was a quality moment.

Oh, good.

I too have felt great sadness.

You are talking to someone who has sat through Beaches 12 times.

Really?

-(DOORBELL BUZZING) -Mm-hmm.

-Oh, that'll be Granddad.

-Oh, how sweet.

You still think he's coming home.

No, it really is Granddad.

Uh, we're putting the coffin in the sitting room so that people can come and pay their respects.

Excuse me, would you run that one by me again?

Um, the coffin?

-Uh, am I right?

-Yes.

-With the-- -Careful, honey.

-The body, yes.

-Body... (SCREAMS) Body!

-Are you crazy?

-Marshall: Oh, boy.

-What?

Honey, these people are crazy.

-Calm down.

-You can't put a body in a... -Calm down!

Calm down!

-It's gonna smell.

It's gonna smell so bad.

-Just... -Calm down!

-Take me home.

Patsy: I just hope the Yankee bimbo from hell's gone.

Edina: God, I hope so, darling.

(SIGHS) Oi.

It's private parking!

I park here.

You have to have a permit.

-Mother: Thank you.

-Edina: Who's that?

Mother: We're just finalizing arrangements for tomorrow, dear.

-Edina: What happens tomorrow?

-Mother: The funeral.

Edina: Oh, God.

Come on, Pats, let's see if my art has arrived.

Oh, yes, good.

Some smaller bits are here.

Are you mad?

Well, you don't have to like it.

That's not the point, darling.

Well, how much did this lot set you back?

Well, I just spent as much as I could, darling.

I mean, it cost me hundreds of thousands of pounds.

-Oh, well, in that case, it's fabulous, Eddy.

-Edina: Yeah.

I mean, I think I have bought the future here, darling.

Look, let me show you.

Look, look.

This bit here.

-This, darling, here... -Yup.

This is art brut.

-Wood against wall, darling.

-Yeah.

Um...

This is arte povera.

-Jars, darling.

Jars.

-Yeah, it's fantastic.

Now, over here we've got...

This is-- Darling, darling.

This is the materialization of the psychotic's dream, deciphered by a clairvoyant's hangers.

-It's hangers.

It's hangers.

-It's fabulous.

Actually, this bit over here...

This is a sort of...

This is a...

It's a corpse in a... open, oaken, oblong coffin.

Silky lining.

It's a dead body, Pats.

Yeah, but is it art, Eddy?

No, sweetie.

It's my father.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I think so.

I've never seen him in a suit before.

I mean... Marshall: We should go.

Sondra: No, I wanna try one more time.

Mother: Come along, then.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (SNORTS) She wasn't ready.

Oh, dear.

Marshall: Alright.

Alright.

-Let's go home.

-(SONDRA PANTING) That's it.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go home.

There, Daddy.

He looks like he's out of it, Eddy.

We can't just leave him here like this, can we?

I mean... -He looks so, sort of... -Plonked.

I know, I mean... You know, it should be against white.

It should be back-lit, I mean, no one's thought about it.

Cheer up.

I really think we should all be off.

Has no one got any respect?

Do not touch the art.

What you don't seem to realize is that no onewould care if you lot were run over by a bus.

But if one piece of this art gets damaged, several Lloyd's underwriters go homeless.

Is that understood?

Come on, Gran, let's get going.

Yes, dear.

I've just got to change my shoes.

Saffy: You're not going to the church, are you?

Not unless I'm asked nicely, darling.

Thank you.

Don't come, or to the cemetery.

Well, I've rung Bubble and asked her to represent me, darling.

Good.

I might wanna go.

I might wanna go, you know.

Hello, Eddy.

Hello, Pats.

You alright, darling?

(SIGHS) Yeah, you alright, darling?

(SLURRING) Yeah, well, you know... What?

What?

What?

What?

Well, well... (SIGHS) What?

What?

I mean, you know-- You know you said, you know you said the other day that you were gonna die?

Yeah, well, I might not be now.

I'm looking into it, you know.

-Yeah, well... Well... -Well, what?

-Well, what do I say... What?

-No, no.

Shut up, Eddy.

This isn't easy for me.

-Sorry, darling.

-It's just that if you were gonna die, I would be, like, totally alone, you know.

I wouldn't have anybody or, or anything.

(SIGHS) You know, you've always been the lucky one, Eddy.

You've got a family.

You've got a great place to live.

Yeah, I've got a great place to live.

Even that bitch daughter must be some kinda comfort to you.

Yeah, well, not always, you know.

Not always.

No, not like a dear friend.

No, not like a friend.

You know, you've always been a great friend to me, Eddy.

I'd miss you.

Would... Would you?

You would, wouldn't you?

You would.

I'd like something to remember you by if you were, you know, like, God forbid, to die.

-Yeah, yeah.

-You know?

-Of course, darling.

You can have something.

-Yeah.

Yeah, well, I've always been your greatest, you know, your best friend and your protector.

-Can I have the house?

-Oh, Pats.

-Oh, Eddy, no?

-Oh, darling.

I was gonna give it to Saffy, is gonna have the house.

Yeah, but Saffy doesn't want it.

-She's not here.

-Oh, alright, alright.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

She's not here, is she?

-She's not here.

-She's not.

I mean, I was here all alone, being sad.

-All alone.

-Sad.

You're just sitting here with little wrinkles on your face -and she's not here.

-Yeah.

Little wrinkles.

Just...

I mean, what's the point of grieving if there's no one there to see you do it?

You're right, Eddy.

-You're always right, sweetie.

-I'm always right.

-I mean, I should be there.

-Hmm.

You know, I shouldn't...

I mean, he would want me to be there wouldn't he?

He'd want you to be there, sweetie.

-He'd want me to be there.

-Yeah, he would.

-He'd want me to be there.

-Patsy: Yep.

He'd want you to be there as well.

No, I-I don't think he'd want me to be there.

If you want the house, darling.

-Yeah, he'd want me to be there!

-He'd want you to be there.

He'd want you there.

-Come on, darling.

-Come on.

Vicar: "Yet, O Lord, God most holy, O Lord most mighty, -"O holy and most merciful savior... -(WOMAN WHIMPERING) "...deliver us not into the bitter pains of eternal death.

"Thou knowest, Lord... (VICAR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Here comes gravity, Eddy.

(VICAR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Vicar: "...in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life... (VICAR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Oh, no.

Vicar: "He shall change our vile body "that it may be like unto his glorious body according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue..." (VICAR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) (WHIMPERING) She's very upset, you know.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) PATSY: Eddy.

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)