VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... Sensational!

VO: ..one antiques expert each.

This is Ch'ien-lung.

Ch'ien-lung.

Well done.

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

I am going to kill him.

VO: ..and auction for a big profit... 55, a new bidder, thank you.

VO: ..further down the road?

Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

(THEY CHUCKLE) And who will be the first to say "don't you know who I am?"

Time to put your metal to the pedal.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

Joining us on the road trip, we have a headline act.

The lions of the newsroom face their biggest challenge yet.

KIRSTY (KW): Tonight, 48 hours before the G8 Summit, he's threatened to train Russian missiles in Europe unless he drops plans to put a missile defense shield in Russia's back yard.

VO: She's the queen of political interviewing.

She's tackled everyone from Alex Salmond to Margaret Thatcher to Madonna - you know, the pop singer!

She's Newsnight's Kirsty Wark.

You say you can starve, but we won't let you starve.

We'll give you a profit on these of a fiver and I'll buy you a bag of chips.

ALASTAIR (AS): In a few moments, Her Majesty the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will arrive.

VO: Then it's Tonight's co-anchor and co-pilot.

Lights, camera, action... stop - police!

It's ITN's Alastair Stewart.

I'm biddable, as they say in the trade.

VO: But before they get competitive with antiques, they need to fight over the driver's seat in this sporty 1960 Daimler Dart.

Heads you drive, tails you sit.

VO: I mostly use a 10 pence coin.

These celebrities, honestly!

Lending Kirsty and Alastair a hand, we have our pair of roving reporters from the world of antiques driving in this 1967 Triumph Vitesse.

The lovely Catherine Southon: she's an expert in scientific and medical instruments amongst other things, but she also likes the simple things in life.

CATHERINE (CS): "Pig scraper".

What's a pig scraper?

VO: Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ooh, would you like my seat sir?"

But actually, he's as fit as a fiddle.

He's an auctioneer, he's an ex school teacher, he's Philip Serrell.

PHILIP (PS): Oh, you're an angel, you're an angel.

VO: Drawing on expert advice and testing their powers of negotiation, Kirsty and Alastair have £400 each, two days of shopping, one upcoming auction and a lot to learn - fast!

I kind of quite like to have the money in my hand - what about you?

I think we have to admit, do we not, that given what we both do for a living, we do quite like to be in charge?

I know, I have to say that is a problem.

I think, so therefore it's our mistakes... or your mistakes.

No, no.

I think if it goes well, it's our victory and if it goes badly, we blame the experts.

Exactly.

VO: You know, I always do.

But before anyone puts their career on the line, let's look at the road ahead.

VO: Scotland lays out its antiques treasures for us before heading to a make or break auction way down south in Sheerness, Kent.

First stop is Kirsty's former university town, where our experts and celebrities can meet: Edinburgh.

PS: Do you know what?

I think they're going to be a lot better at buying antiques that we would be at newsreading.

I think you would be hilarious reading the news.

PS: Really?

CS: Yeah.

I wouldn't take it seriously.

There would be this miserable face in front of the... What do you mean miserable?

"This is Phil Serrell."

Are you trying to say something?

KW: Well, I didn't kill us.

AS: No, you didn't.

VO: And more importantly, you didn't scratch the paintwork.

Now, go and grab yourselves an antique expert each.

Are you arguing already?!

KW: Nice to see you.

PS: How are you?

AS: Good to see you.

CS: I'm Catherine.

Hello.

Well, I thought it could be us two against you two but you might win and that wouldn't do our street cred any good.

There's no doubt... let's be absolutely clear - this is Kirsty Wark, this is Scotland, this is Alastair up from England... You've got an advantage.

You can definitely come with me.

That leaves us Alastair!

I think that worked perfectly, delusions of grandeur.

VO: The shops are open, the dealers are waiting and that £400 won't spend itself.

So, let's get cracking!

KW: This is burning a hole in my hand - 400 quid, you keep it.

This comes easy to me.

We've got to be mean.

Yes.

Right?

I am very mean.

OK, so it's good cop, bad cop?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

VO: Whatever it takes to win is worth a try.

AS: Right, bit of tactics and strategy first.

Well, let me tell you something about Philip.

CS: Philip is mean.

AS: (LAUGHS) He doesn't spend a lot of money and he's got a great eye for curious, wacky items.

I think Kirsty is very knowledgeable about anything that is Edinburgh.

Do you think she's going to spend a lot of money?

I think she probably will do, so that's good - they'll have a falling out.

That is very good.

We shall agree of course on all matters.

We shall agree on everything.

AS: Yeah.

VO: I like your style.

Let's hope this here, Courtyard Antiques, can provide an arsenal for your big autumn campaign.

AS: Things like this are sometimes interesting.

1916.

It's pretty brutal First World War stuff, isn't it?

There's Belgium and there's the Kaiser.

"How I deal with the small fry," it says.

CS: It's menacing, isn't it?

Absolutely.

A clever dealer is going to cruelly destroy that.

Take the plates out and frame them or sell them, no?

CS: Quite possibly.

AS: But we're not priced.

I think we want to go quite low on these, don't we?

Yes.

(WHISPERS) 30-60.

I was going to say about £20-£30.

I don't think we want to pay any more.

AS: For the set?

CS: Hmm.

VO: Local proprietor Lewis is on hand to help.

What do you, hand on heart, believe to be the best that you can do on these magazines?

Er... 15 each?

AS: 15 each.

CS: So 45.

AS: There's damp and there's a spine damaged here.

CS: Hmm.

If you said 30 for the three... Oh, I think we need to go lower than that.

Do you?

I don't think we should pay any more than £20.

What do you think the best is that you can do?

30.

Would you possibly be able to meet in the middle at 25 or...

I started off at 45 and we're now at 30, so I'm kind of in the middle.

More in our middle?

25 quid for the three.

CS: I think it's good.

AS: I do too.

I think that there will be a market for these and I think these are absolutely fascinating.

VO: A lightning quick purchase in Alastair's fast-moving antiques shopping story.

Stay with us for full coverage of this and other buying tales as they unfold.

Now for Kirsty and Phil's first shop.

Sadly, the owner is rather shy... but we have an idea of what he may look like.

KW: Oh, I quite like these.

What it's trying to be is sort of somewhere between 1718 and 1820, and it's not that.

They're not overly PC, the hunting, shooting, fishing thing, you know.

But the actual execution of these is quite nice.

VO: Oh, unfortunate choice of words, Kirsty.

Cockfighting is not fashionable or indeed pleasant.

However, these have a strange appeal as rural sporting scenes.

PS: Mr Shop Man?

Your cockfighting... CS: Yes, they're £50.

PS: 50.

KW: For four.

I'd say more 20 for four.

10 for four.

I think you'd be hard pressed to get rid of these in Edinburgh at the moment.

I think he'd do well to get his money back, don't you?

I do.

VO: Sorry, sir.

There's no hiding from hard-haggling Philip Serrell.

Believe me, I've tried.

You can be the voice.

Right?

You can be the international man of mystery, the antique man of mystery is you.

KW: And he's very handsome.

PS: Isn't he ever!

He should have put some clothes on.

No, no, he's got a sporran on, it's fine.

That's fine.

Look at this little one here.

So that's 30 squid.

Well, it starts at 30, let's think about this.

I do like your style.

The thing is, if we just check... Nice to see a pro at work.

This actually is a rather nice little table.

PS: It's an Edwardian table.

KW: Yep, and...

It's made out of mahogany.

KW: And it's got a really nice inset here.

PS: This is... KW: Boxwood.

Box... She's good, isn't she?

Well, let me tell you something.

These things have crashed in value.

On a bad day, in a bad auction, this is like 20 quid.

Get out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I would take that home.

PS: You might have to.

(THEY LAUGH) VO: It's a crying shame, but a solid wood Edwardian table is just not modern taste.

Like a black forest gateau, it's gorgeous and delicious, but deeply unfashionable.

PS: Let's take it upstairs.

KW: The thing is, I suppose we've got to be hard headed.

The things I like are not necessarily the things that are going to sell.

PS: You've got to be mega hard headed.

KW: He wants 30 for the table and 20 for these.

I think £30 all in, or 35.

KW: Er, hello?

DEALER: Hello.

We like these prints and we also like the table, but we think you're asking too much.

PS: There's a recession coming on.

KW: There's a recession coming on.

World doom and gloom.

So we'd like to offer you £35 for the table and the prints.

DEALER: Can't do it.

KW: You can't do it.

He said that with such a lovely smile on his face, didn't he?

Shall we split the difference with you?

KW: I think £47.50.

DEALER: What's the difference?

No, no, no, no.

45 quid woman, just sh!

We've got 45 for the prints and the table, that's it finished.

Just to get you out the shop, you're more than welcome.

Just to get us out the shop, 45.

PS: OK. KW: Done!

VO: A final triumph with Edinburgh's mystery shopkeeper.

And now Team Wark is swapping shops with Team Stewart.

Let's hope Alastair and Catherine can get a good deal from Mr Bashful.

CS: Nut basher.

Nutcracker.

It's very... it's not brand new, is it?

AS: It has seen a few nuts cracked in its time AS: by the look of it.

CS: It certainly has, hasn't it?

Bit of kitchenalia.

Beautifully described.

CS: Would you have that at home?

AS: I would, quite seriously.

In your kitchen?

Yep, I would.

So, what are we looking for here?

£5.

AS: Er... CS: Can we go... AS: I'm gonna buy it.

CS: Hold... (TUTS) No, I'm sorry.

I've got to barter.

Would you take three?

No.

Would you take five?

Yes.

CS: (LAUGHS) This is going to be used to bash you round the head!

A fiver we said?

Very, very nice to meet you.

AS: Thank you.

DEALER: Nice meeting you.

VO: Yes, really nice... to... meet you... whoever you are.

What is it with Edinburgh today?

We won't bite, much.

Let's go round the bend.

Let's go round here.

Look at this fabric, it is absolutely glorious.

I'm sort of not really an expert on ladies' dresses.

Why not?

MS: I love her to bits because she's got a real hard eye.

The thing that bothers me is that our shopping trip could just turn into a shopping trip.

Do you know what you could do with this?

Yeah.

If you didn't like it like this, it would make a great skirt.

PS: I can feel one of me headaches coming on.

I might take it if that's OK. VO: Of course, you're not really supposed to shop for yourself on this road trip but - ha!

- if it's your money, I'm powerless to stop you!

KW: Phil?

PS: Yes.

There are more dresses upstairs.

Fantastic, I can barely wait(!)

KW: Look, I like this.

That... propeller over there, the far one.

KW: The one with the little red edges?

Yeah.

What's the very, very best on that?

What, how much is... Is there any way we could get that under a hundred quid?

Are you buying something else?

KW: Yeah!

PS: We might be, yeah.

We're going to be buying several things but we're not sure what, but that's a component.

DEALER: This propeller could be 30.

Oh, I like that, and I have to say that I've got a certain affinity with it cuz it has seen better days.

KW: And this has probably been in the water for a long time.

Perhaps we could create a story of a First World War pilot who was shot down over the Channel.

No?

Am I just going on again?

KW: Yeah.

PS: OK. VO: So, I think we're looking at two propellers here.

Kirsty likes this highly polished one for £90 and Phil likes this scruffy old thing for £30.

Funny what we all gravitate towards, isn't it?

I think you might like this, Kirsty, these pressed flowers.

I do like this a lot.

I noticed it out the corner of my eye, but I wonder if it would sell, but I do think they're wonderful.

Bird's-foot Trefoil.

I mean these are lovely.

A lot of these wild flowers are hard to see out there - red rattle, brooklime.

Someone's really put a lot of effort into this.

PS: I was just thinking, so they've given us £400 and we're gonna buy 40 year old, 80 year old dead weeds.

But they are beautiful.

£35 for them all.

OK, I'm thinking about that but...

I think we should put that with our propellers.

OK. PS: Oh, I love that!

KW: Oh yeah, that's an old one.

It's a butcher's block, you'd have bought them like that and they just came on a stand and then people sand them down, wax them and use them in kitchens.

VO: These hardwearing cutting blocks should be on legs and were originally used for meat processing.

Now, of course, they're terribly fashionable in the home.

How much is your butcher's block?

And have you got any legs for it?

No.

I did have, I used them for something else, which has now gone.

Which is good for you, because you can have it cheaper.

How cheap?

Cuz it's like... 60 quid?

Well... 25.

Depending what else we're buying OK, you can have it for 20.

Thanks.

OK, fine, excellent.

DEALER: You don't really need me here do you?

Why don't I give you the keys and then you could just... KW: (LAUGHS) ..let me know how it all went.

VO: Thanks Lewis, but we're doing fine for absent shopkeepers so far today.

However, it allows us a moment to catch up with Alastair's exciting story.

Hi, how are you doing?

VO: He's rocking.

I know exactly what Phil Serrell would say about this.

What would he say about that?

(AS PHIL) "It's firewood."

Oh, that's very harsh.

I like the legs, the little duck's legs.

AS: They look like little duck feet, don't they?

There's an awful lot of woodworm.

But wouldn't a two-year-old just love to sit and rock in this?

AS: Yes.

CS: It's wonderful.

I'm loving it more and more.

DEALER: You can have it for 10.

CS: Would we want it for 10?

AS: I'm tempted at that price.

That's a steal.

CS: Do you think we should go for it?

Yes.

It's a deal.

VO: Well, Alastair Stewart is today's top story so far.

Both lightning fast purchases are starting to stack up.

And in other news, Kirsty Wark is trying to coax Philip out of a rather comfy chair.

I've been sat in my thinking chair here.

Yeah.

Leave the butcher's block out of the equation for the minute, right.

I'm thinking about 110 quid for the two propellers and the flowers.

That's what I'm thinking.

I think 115.

As much as that?

Lewis, what's the best you can do?

130.

Including the butcher's block?

Did we mention the butcher's block?

No, but I'm about to.

140 including the butcher's block.

Because the butcher's block is nothing without the legs.

20 for the butcher's block.

That would make it 150, we can't afford that, we genuinely can't afford that.

I'd like to buy the two propellers and that.

Yeah, but I like the butcher's block.

VO: So, for anyone else who's confused, Kirsty and Phil are still interested in each other's propellers as well as the book of Edwardian pressed flowers.

However, the butcher's block is still a definite.

Maybe.

Is that any clearer?

So, I'm 100% confused here.

So what we've got is...

He's giving you the whole thing... PS: That's £150 for the lot?

KW: For the lot.

I think 150 is good.

It's a deal.

Yeah.

Oh gosh!

VO: That's a huge purchase to digest, so let's find a little light relief back with Alastair and Catherine.

Can I just ask you about your Edwardian letter stationery box?

Well, I have 125 on it but you can make me an offer.

You should never say that to me, CS: "Make me an offer."

DEALER: I just said it.

CS: Cuz I'm very, very cruel, very mean.

AS: Is that the original... DEALER: The original.

AS: ..dividers?

DEALER: Yep.

AS: That's quite unusual, because very often these dividers have gone with wear and tear.

That... Is lovely.

It's a lovely color.

Just look at that, the rosewood color and that there, because that's not been hammered by the sun.

DEALER: Exactly.

I have a very beautiful box, mahogany box with a lovely little bit of inlay on it...

Yes.

And I lost the key and it had all of my old passports going back to when I first went abroad for ITN and I was desperate...

I had to pay the locksmith to come out and do it.

VO: Great story Alastair(!)

You worry me, Alastair, because I've got this feeling that all of a sudden you're going to go "OK!"

No, I... No, no.

Like you've done before!

I could do it at 60.

I'm gonna give you £60 for it and expect her to kick me in the shins.

DEALER: Excellent.

Alastair!

VO: Alastair!

Straight in, no negotiation, no expert consultation - an outrage.

I can't believe you've just done that!

Two, four, six... Can't we just negotiate the 50?

No, cuz that wasn't gonna happen.

I can't believe you've just done that.

I can't believe it.

VO: And on that bombshell, this mammoth Edinburgh shopping exercise is finally over.

We can at last move on to... Oh, hang on a minute.

That's glass, that's beautiful.

I like that, come on.

MS: Probably 19th century and it would have probably held a lobster pot.

It's effectively a buoy isn't it?

VO: Norway first used these big glass balls from the 1840s, but they were soon used all over the world to stretch out enormous fishing nets for a big catch.

It's glass, and it's rather lovely now I see it, so... KW: I'm thinking... MS: Oh, here we go again.

Why couldn't you make that an attractive proposition with the propeller?

120 on the ticket but what would you do it for?

DEALER: It says 45.

Oh, it's lovely.

What about... would you do it for 40?

No, no, no, no.

DEALER: Yes.

KW: Thank you so much.

This is just going horribly wrong, let me have a look.

Do you like it?

KW: I love it.

God, look at it.

This is your fault.

I know, I know, I know.

I think we'd leave all this gunk on there.

Yeah, but it's beautiful - look.

It just looks like a stamp of ownership.

Like two ferns or something.

Do you really like this?

I really like it and I think it's a wonderful thing and I'm so excited about it.

Philip, pay the man, please.

OK, fine.

VO: And with this lovely maritime novelty, the Edinburgh shopping is finally over?

Is that a little bit of silver?

DEALER: Yeah, it's a Victorian, Birmingham, I think it's about 1880.

There's a hallmark there, there's a leopard's head, there's a Victoria's head, so we know that it's alright.

That's really lovely.

KW: It's pretty, isn't it?

I think it's a tenner.

Yeah, would £10 be alright?

KW: Would £10 do it?

DEALER: Yep.

PS: Are you sure?

DEALER: Yep, yep.

KW: Thank you very much indeed.

PS: That's really sweet.

This is our betrothal ring to say that we're bound together now.

That's now lots one to 400 in this hour are all down to Kirsty and Phil, yeah?

I'm gonna take you home before you buy anything else cuz there's a lamp stand in there you haven't seen yet.

And there's a carpet, there's a table.

VO: Sadly, Edinburgh shopping is done and it's time to evacuate our news teams from this hotspot.

KW: So did you have a good day?

AS: Catherine I thought was absolutely wonderful.

She was very indulgent of some of my occasional quirkiness.

PS: What about Alastair?

I mean, he strikes me as being a real card.

CS: I thought he was gonna really barter and negotiate hard.

And did he?

Not in the way I thought he would to be honest.

Phil is really good, you just sort of see a look in his eyes when he says, but doesn't say, "that's a ridiculous idea".

Look at that!

Fan-bloody-tastic!

If shopping was an Olympic sport... She'd have won a gold medal.

Unbeliev... galactic class she is!

Good girl.

That's what I like to hear.

VO: The rolling news road trip rumbles on.

VO: Leaving this royal throne behind, our celebrities lead their expert squires on to the kingdom of Fife, 38 miles north of Edinburgh to the town of Falkland.

Hard shopping Team Wark has decided upon a small indulgence, visiting a kind of historical forerunner to the great British holiday camp.

Falkland Palace was a summer haunt of one of Kirsty's favorite historical ladies, and if you can't quite guess, she's Scottish and called Mary.

The lands around Falkland - some 4,000 acres - have hosted exclusive hunting, falconry and outdoor leisure activities for over half a millennia.

All we need now is lovely local tour guide Pam.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hello, I'm Kirsty.

PAM: Nice to see you.

PS: Hi, Philip, how are you?

Welcome to Falkland.

BOTH: Thank you.

PAM: This is the gatehouse.

Finished by James V of Scotland.

KW: When they came here to entertain and to hunt, would they come for six weeks at a time?

We think something like that - six weeks to two months.

Hygiene was the thing that dictated when they left, and the whole place was then cleared and cleaned.

PS: Got to go have a look, haven't we?

KW: I think I'd love to go have a look.

PS: Yeah.

VO: First built between 1502 and 1541, Falkland Palace has mostly been a holiday home for the Scottish monarchs.

James V transformed the interiors in a stunning French renaissance style and died here in 1542 after hearing of the birth of his daughter, Mary Queen of Scots.

As Pam's tour begins, the first port of call is the most popular game at Falkland - the torture of the Englishman.

Fantastic.

You really wouldn't think a sweet lady like Pam could have quite the sadistic tendencies that she's got, would you?

PS: Oh, fant... KW: Oh!

Kirsty, I don't like this very much.

Oh!

Urgh!

Nothing can happen to you Phil, look at the height of this wall.

Oh, fantastic Kirsty, fantastic.

It's like walking on fresh air.

It's solid stone.

I don't care, where are we going?

Are we going up there now?

You really want me to go up there?

Well, I'm afraid you have to come up here, but the parapet I'm afraid isn't quite as good up here.

Now we can see for miles and miles.

PAM: If I stand here... PS: No, don't.

Come away from there.

No, no, no.

Are you going on your own then?

No, I'm not going on my own, no.

You're not going anywhere?

Don't you dare tell anyone about this, Pam, it'll embarrass me.

VO: Philip, get a grip.

Sadly, much of Falkland Palace was destroyed by Cromwell's forces during the Civil War and fell into disrepair until bought in 1887 by John Crichton Stewart, Third Marquess of Bute.

Today, the grounds and buildings are maintained in conjunction with the National Trust.

However, much of the hunting lands are no longer part of the estate.

PAM: This is the palace orchard.

Beyond that, practically to the foot of the hills in the distance... Aha.

..was hunting forests.

Can you stop down there and look up rather than come up here and look down?

VO: Fortunately, there's fun to be had and more Philip's kind of fun - down on ground level.

Anyone for slightly peculiar tennis?

This original real tennis court is the oldest surviving useable court in the world, built in 1539, 100 years before its more famous cousin in Hampton Court Palace.

How amazing.

I've never been in a real tennis court.

VO: Today's umpire is Bob, secretary of Falkland's real tennis court.

Hello, very nice to meet you.

I can't believe that I am standing on a court that James V played on.

And Mary Queen of Scots, we believe.

Well, she was a tall woman, she was probably quite athletic as well.

Do you love it more than lawn tennis?

Oh yes!

Much more interesting, and of course you don't have to be 19 and serve at 150 miles an hour.

VO: Good news for Phil.

Real or royal tennis is the forerunner to lawn tennis with some quirky antiquated game playing.

The service takes place from this end only...

Right.

And the ball must hit the roof, the penthouse roof, on the far side of the net.

Your serving is always onto the roof and over.

Yes.

So your forehand is there.

VO: All four walls are in play here, a bit like squash, but at a slower pace for ladies in cumbersome attire.

It's not just IF your opponent faults, which wins the points, but where on the court, hence all the lines.

I think we should give this a go.

OK, this is war.

This is England versus Scotland.

BOB: A good tip... KW: Yes.

..is this bit is always above that bit.

Aha, OK. Oh right, right OK.

Excuse me, don't I get any coaching?

VO: Quiet please, especially you, Serrell.

Miss Wark to serve.

OK?

You just take it steady.

BOB: Excellent.

KW: Right.

Ooh!

PS: YES!

KW: That wasn't very good!

God, he's good!

BOB: He is, isn't he?

VO: That'll please the crowds up on Serrell summit.

You are good.

I'd just like to say that Phil is a complete ringer, he plays squash every single day.

VO: Didn't Murray say the same about Nadal?

Sadly, that's all of today's highlights and we now say goodbye to the wonderful Jacobean theme park that is Falkland Palace.

As there are no more shopping minutes to the day, this part of Fife's Kingdom must provide shelter for the night.

Sweet dreams.

Wakey-wakey, bright and early.

The road trip calls our drivers to their cars once more.

I feel you are a professional shopper, aren't you?

No, no, I shop with purpose, I'm like an Exocet.

You are.

VO: So far, Kirsty and Phil have bought seven separate items: the Edwardian table, the cockfighting prints, a pair of propellers, the pressed flowers, the butcher's block.

Phew!

The Victorian glass float and the bargain silver napkin ring, and Kirsty bought a dress for herself.

Honestly!

Kirsty and Phil have only £90 left to spend.

Not now, I can't.

It's profligate.

What does that mean?

Spent too much.

Oh, right OK. VO: Meanwhile, the opposition has moved fast.

Alastair Stewart spends just £100 on three items.

Day begins with World War One cartoons.

Proceeds cautiously with child's rocking chair.

Then goes mad with impulse stationery box.

Alastair and Catherine begin a second day's rummaging with a healthy £300.

And Alastair, I have to ask you this question - what do you talk about at the end of the news when you're shuffling the papers?

It's funny because sometimes it'll be "well, we got away with that!"

if something particularly hairy has happened.

I'm going to lip read now, I'm going to sit there, you will feel my presence.

The searching eyes of Catherine.

VO: In true maverick style, Alastair and Catherine are going on ahead, their delicate feet barely touching the ground, whisking the road trip 11 miles northeast from Falkland to the wonderful town of Cupar.

And I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone here in Fife that time is of the essence in this final day of shopping.

So I won't.

Now, time is against us.

It really is.

I quite like these.

What do you think?

DEALER: They definitely suit you.

Do they?

No, but they're spring loaded aren't they?

Which I'm going to let you do it in case I break it.

AS: And what are you looking for for those?

DEALER: We have £50 on them but Catherine will probably make me a counter offer.

I will if they work.

(LAUGHS) Cuz I'm watching you fiddle.

DEALER: There we are.

CS: There we are.

I think they're elegant and I quite like the 1920s style.

Quite deco, isn't it?

So what would that make at auction though in Kent?

I think they would probably make about £60 but I wouldn't want to give any more... AS: Because I have to make a profit at the end of the day.

DEALER: That's right.

AS: That's what drives me.

I would want to pay 15.

DEALER: You would?

As it's you, I'll accept £15 for that and you have to make a profit on them.

You're not convinced, are you Alastair?

I'm convinced on the potential for margin on that but I'm also conscious about where it sits in the overall set of lots that we're going to have.

VO: Alastair, you are very tricky to please.

Now, you want something that'll look good with spectacles.

Hmm.

They look right through you, don't they?

CR: See, I'd like the glass eyes too.

Mm, but there's no market for glass eyes.

There is a market for glass eyes, they're brilliant.

What is the potential for improvement on glass eyes?

£20 each.

Each?

Oh, but we can do better than that.

A lot better.

This conversation may conclude... Mm-hm.

..a financial transaction not at one level of activity...

Right...

But potentially of four, so therefore, your answer to her next question is crucial.

(TENSE MUSIC) AS: And your question is... ?

Just how much you'd sell them for, really.

VO: Oh, is that it?

I do not know the man or woman who is going to pay a significant amount of money for these three very strange eyes, but you're the expert and... you're a scientific instruments expert so you're the nearest out of the three of us to kind of medical stuff.

CS: You are putting so much pressure on me.

AS: No!

CS: I'm almost trembling.

AS: Why?

Because it's that look.

25 for the glasses and the eyes.

DEALER: Yes.

AS: Is that what we're saying?

CS: What do you think?

AS: Done.

Look, that's how tense I am.

I know.

See how laidback I am.

There's 20, and there's a five somewhere in that... That crumpled stack of money!

VO: The eyes have it, but I wish they'd stop staring.

Oh!

That's spooky!

VO: You're telling me.

Back down the road, your optically challenged opponents are still looking hard at the delights of Falkland.

Do you think he's on the fiddle?

VO: Snappy dresser Bob owns this wonderful emporium of Scottish antiques, but can Kirsty find anything with down south appeal?

KW: This is actually quite pretty.

Do you know, you've got a really good eye cuz I think that's just absolutely beautiful.

KW: The birds.

PS: So, I don't understand Scottish pottery - tell me about it.

And where... DEALER: Probably made in Kirkcaldy.

PS: Kirkcaldy.

KW: Yeah.

From Methven's Pottery in Kirkcaldy.

PS: Medvin's?

CS: Methven's?

M-E-T-H-V-E-N... look at it.

Can we set this aside as well?

We're building up a little portfolio of things.

You don't mind that... That's what's worrying me again.

Again, it's Scottish.

Scottish pieces don't do so well in England and similarly, some English pieces don't do so well up here in Scotland, it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

VO: Well, let's try and remain positive, shall we?

KW: I'm looking at this.

See there, it's illustrated there.

Yeah, we don't like things that are illustrated... No.

Cuz it costs more money then.

It's just to show you, it's a wee bit collectable.

How old is that?

That'll date from about 1890.

PS: Kirsty's going to have... we're in her patch now.

It's nice with "Tarvas".

This is Scottish pottery but not as I would imagine it.

This is what I would call like a terracotta farmer's pot.

VO: Seaton pottery, manufactured in Aberdeen on and off for the best part of a century.

This bespoke piece from 1894 is certainly catching Kirsty's eye.

I do think it's a thing of beauty.

PS: That's quite primitive.

KW: Absolutely.

It would look good on a chrome and glass table.

I'm going to ask you two questions.

How much is that?

£100.

And what's it worth?

Probably 400.

PS: Yeah, but my problem is... KW: I love it.

KW: Would it sell in Kent?

PS: Would you buy a piece of Kentish pottery and bring it to Aberdeen to flog it?

Well, you'd have to hope there was someone from Aberdeen KW: at the sale.

PS: We don't like hope.

VO: So much for remaining positive.

But at least Kirsty and Phil are still working.

I just like that sort of thing.

I'm not even going to propose it to Catherine cuz she'll tell me to put it away so I'll put it away.

CR: I really like those leather gloves.

AS: But who's going to buy them?

CS: Nobody.

AS: Come on, I'm being brutal now.

DEALER: But they do have the cute factor.

Aren't they lovely?

AS: They are very, very sweet.

DEALER: And cut to the chase, you could actually buy these for £8.

It's the kind of size that a child who might have been... Yeah?

About one, two...

So, we would put the gloves on the rocking chair and have it as an item.

CS: Have it as a lot?

AS: Yeah, so that... CS: Perfect, you're a genius.

AS: That makes an item.

I'm perfectly comfortable with the logic.

Hmm, I think that would be quite nice.

Give you a fiver for the gloves?

I think that's a really good... Oh no!

What?

He said eight.

You're doing it again.

Yeah, but I'm in a hurry now.

VO: Catherine Southon, will you please get a handle on your celebrity?

CS: You and your mouth!

AS: I know, I know.

Alastair offered five.

CS: No, but I didn't and... DEALER: And five was... AS: She's the boss.

CS: Don't listen to Alastair!

AS: She's the boss, seriously.

Oh, come on cuz we've bought a couple of things.

DEALER: Alright.

CS: £2?

Alright.

AS: We're done.

We're done.

CS: We're done.

AS: I think that's really good.

CS: Good!

AS: Strange but good!

CS: Good!

VO: Strange?

Everything about this shopping trip is a little peculiar, frankly.

Bob's got a secret room.

Oh, the little rascal.

How many violins have you got, Bob?

There must be close on 100 lying about.

And do you play the violin?

No, I don't play the violin.

What do you p... what do you, er...

I play the Flamenco on the guitar.

Go on, give us a tune.

I'll try, I don't know if it's any good.

Whose is that handwriting?

KW: What is it - "my dear friend, with love..." Roseanne Cash, Johnny Cash's daughter.

KW: Oh!

BOB: Friend of mine.

Of course, the Cash family have traced their ancestry here to the Royal Burgh of Falkland.

KW: Ah!

Gosh.

PS: Really?

KW: Oh!

PS: I love that.

Thank you!

That's really good that, Bob.

VO: Delightful.

Now, get a move on.

PS: Can I have another look at that bowl?

Kirsty, what do you think that would make?

I think that could make £90 or £100.

Where?

Here or in Kent?

In Kent.

It would make more here I think if it was an Aberdeen auction.

See, I can see that making 30 or 40 quid.

So we'd lose money.

We've got to be realistic.

I love it and I love the decoration.

PS: Would £50 buy that?

Do you want to pull up a chair, Bob?

BOB: I think I'm going to faint!

PS: OK. Aye, £50 would buy it.

KW: I do want to buy it.

I mean, I might take a bath on it, but 50 quid.

Yeah.

And the Spongeware plate and that's us done.

Yeah, OK.

If the Spongeware plate's at 20, would you take 15?

Could we have 65 for both?

Yes, you've caught me on a good day.

Bob, I'm going to pay you before the lady changes her mind.

I'll be framing this, this'll be reminding me of the biggest mistake I've made in my life.

VO: Sadly, Bob, you're not alone in that feeling.

That's what they all say.

I don't know whether we're in north, south, east or west here, do you?

VO: Fife is fast running out of kind hearted dealers and the shopping trip is fast running out of road.

VO: But there's just enough left in the tank to get us another 10 miles eastwards, beyond Cupar way out to the coast at St Andrews.

VO: A place of great beauty, intriguing history and sometimes romance, where William first had his head turned by Kate's natural high street style.

CS: I'm really excited to be here because I've never been to St Andrews.

This is going to be fantastic.

VO: Our celebrities have learned much from their trusty antiques experts and the road trip experience.

Now, gap year behind them, Alastair and Catherine are going back to university.

Good morning.

Alastair Stewart, how do you do?

Hello.

Ian Currie.

Welcome to MUSA.

VO: MUSA is the fascinating historical museum of Scotland's oldest university, the amazing 600-year-old seat of learning here at St Andrews.

The vast collection of over 100,000 artifacts has been lovingly curated from departmental archives, and open to the public since 2008.

IAN: The school was founded officially by the Bishop of St Andrews in 1411, but it became a university when authorization was received from the Pope and the Pope that authorization was asked from is Benedict XIII, Pedro de Luna.

He was the Antipope, the Great Schism, based at Avignon.

VO: During a 15th century blip, two sets of bishops voted in two different men as pope.

Pedro de Luna was based in France, and briefly enjoyed Scotland's full support, hence this cast of his skull here.

Pedro ultimately lost the top job to the other guy based in the Vatican.

The first graduates from British universities were qualified to teach throughout the Christian world, so a Church approved bull of foundation was essential.

CS: So when was this officially made a university?

When this bull of foundation was issued in 1413 by Pedro de Luna.

70 years before Bosworth, the end of the War of the Roses.

Yes, yes.

Two years before Agincourt.

VO: The Battle of Agincourt was celebrated for the prowess of its archers, and their famous hand signals.

As military technology moved on, archery became a popular sport for the wealthy and powerful, and from 1612, a most prestigious student contest was staged on the beach at St Andrews.

The Silver Arrow competition was an annual competition to establish the champion archer of the university amongst the students.

Oh.

The prize for the winner was to have a medal made which would have his coat of arms that would then be added to the trophy, which was the Silver Arrow, and these are the arrows, the original arrows, on which all these medals hung, and so it was a public competition, it was a real town gown event, and the participants were of course teenage boys, because in these days the students would matriculate average at the age of 13 and depart at the age of 17.

VO: They might have been young, but many were already wealthy and powerful, and often none too shy when fashioning their own archery award.

They begin with a very modest looking small medal at the end there from a laird's son in Fife, and they progress, getting gradually larger as you go along...

Yes.

Yes.

..and suddenly, they stop.

These are solid silver as well, these last two.

And what happened was the university intervened and said, "This is getting out of hand, "these boastful boys are wanting to outdo their predecessors "by producing a bigger and more flamboyant medal, "and the poorer students can't take part any more," so they decided they'd out a weight limit of one ounce.

The winners were the students who could afford the equipment, the practice, and so we're generally looking at the better off students.

I'm just interested to know what happened to this poor chap here, because there's a big hole right there.

Did one of his fellow students afterwards say, "I think I should have won that medal," and... Each year when this competition took place, the former winners' medals were all there hanging.

It's not impossible that it could have been hit by a stray arrow.

VO: Of course, it's always good to know who you're aiming at, especially in this here antiques game.

And with our upcoming contest in mind, it's time to reveal the rather considerable amount of items they've all been buying.

Call your loved ones - it's gonna be a long night.

OK.

Tails, we go first.

OK.

Right.

These are three magazines, and they are articles and illustrations from the First World War.

It's quality illustration.

We paid £25 for the three.

I think anything you can do... CS: ..we can certainly do better!

VO: Well, pressed flowers are the obvious antidote to war.

We have bought a number of rather lovely and unusual... And slightly damaged.

Not yet!

It's part of the appeal!

The thing that worries me is that it lends itself to the idea of somebody buying the lot and then spending quite a bit of money framing them, and then they would sell.

VO: Alastair is learning this game fast.

What's next?

Ha-ha!

The walnut... Cracker.

What I really like about it is that it's perfectly obvious that it's been used, and the nut's been in there and that's happened, and I like that.

Sold.

CS: Oh, is it a set of four?

PS: Well done.

I've got a set at home which is a mounted four of fighting cocks as well.

Would you like four more?

No, no, because you see the problem with these is they're marked, and the artwork's not great.

I think the artwork's good!

You're just making this up.

Aw!

Oh, I like that.

That's lovely.

VO: Now for Alastair's stationery box, which, maybe, could have been a bit cheaper.

How old do you think it is?

Edwardian?

I do think it's Edwardian.

I'd put an estimate on that of 60-90 quid, and if it made 120 it wouldn't surprise me.

Lovely, well done.

VO: Look out, it's Kirsty's propellers next.

Well, I like that one, and Kirsty liked this one, so we thought we'd buy them both.

I think this is a real gamble.

It's got to be 100, 150, hasn't it?

No.

No.

CS: You think that's too high?

AS: Yeah.

VO: Now, let's take a closer look at the potential for profit here today.

So are these art deco or something?

A night at the opera.

Can you see with them?

Yes, I can, and they're actually proper lenses, and it was when you pointed out the amount of work in them... KW: And the marcasite's pretty for it, and that's very art deco traditional.

CS: I think they're very elegant.

Hallmark silver.

AS: Napkin ring.

CS: Napkin ring.

PS: Yeah, but with it... AS: A napkin.

PS: ..you get a table.

Look at the look on Catherine's face!

AS: I'm liking the napkin ring.

BOTH: And I'm liking the table.

AS: Not seeing the connection.

CS: Not liking the connection.

AS: Did we rehearse that?!

CS: No, we didn't!

KW: We liked the table and we thought we got it for a pretty good price.

I mean, if we get 50 for it, we'd be delighted.

AS: There's a profit there.

Yep.

CS: There's a profit there.

OK... look!

Those are fantastic.

KW: They're beautiful.

KW: I love that.

CS: Look!

AS: On... CS: The chair.

..that.

I know exactly what you're thinking about.

I do.

PS: No, you don't!

KW: OK, tell her.

PS: No.

CS: Firewood.

No.

Flippin' disgusting, perhaps... (THEY LAUGH) AS: Again, it's yummy mummy, isn't it?

They are desperate to buy a duck-shaped rocking chair.

PS: Then, looking at what you... AS: We have met their every need.

VO: Let's hope there are yummy mummies at auction, then.

PS: Isn't that lovely?

AS: Oh, I like that.

KW: This is Scottish pottery.

AS: The yellow and the black of the birds is fantastic.

KW: This is a bit like... AS: That's my favorite bit so far.

This complements it ideally, we thought.

KW: This is Scottish pottery... PS: It's a fishing float.

KW: It's still got the sand on it.

AS: I might pay £40 or 50.

CS: £30 to 50.

You little belter!

AS: Three... glass... eyes.

Why do people want them?

What do they do with them?

PS: Why did you buy them?

AS: Because she told me to.

PS: Alright, OK. CS: I didn't tell you to.

AS: Sorry.

Advised me strongly.

CS: I merely advised.

Because they're...

They're a good bit of fun, aren't they?

KW: What did you pay?

CS: 10.

You pinched them - absolutely pinched them.

PS: Are you ready for...?

AS: Eye, eye!

CS: Eye, eye!

PS: No.

KW: This was made at Seaton Pottery, outside Aberdeen.

This, obviously, is very weathered.

It's lovely.

But it's naive, and that's what I like about it.

It's primitive, innit?

But we actually bought it and decided it would go with something that we bought yesterday.

So would you like to stand up?

It's... (CHUCKLES) OK, it's a chopping block.

PS: It's a butcher's block.

KW: Butcher's block.

PS: Yeah.

On legs, those are worth 150/250.

PS: And... CS: And?

PS: Well, we gave a tenner for it.

That could sit on that or next to it.

Exactly.

No, I...

I'll...

I'll concede that.

VO: Great, but how would our anchors spin each other's shopping stories?

CS: What about the propeller?

I think that will... crash from the skies.

KW: I think the magazines are fascinating but I wouldn't put those to auction - I don't think they're something I would have bought.

No.

I think, in a way, they're a bit macabre.

What did you make of what Philip said about the mahogany box?

I was hoping you wouldn't... bring that up!

I was really hoping you wouldn't bring that up!

I don't mind whether they win or we win, as long as it's us.

VO: With that great generosity of spirit, it's time for us to move on towards the ultimate test of antiques prowess.

You... with Kent, you think vegetables... KW: You think of oast houses.

AS: Yeah, absolutely.

And the... you know, the... the Garden of England, but this is industrial Kent.

KW: Yes.

AS: This is ports and ships and... er... and breaking yards.

I went to school with a chap whose father had a ship-broking business, and I asked if that was like insurance brokerage.

He said, "No, we break ships up!"

VO: Here he goes again.

Eastern Scotland has done our celebrities proud, from handsome Edinburgh, through the hidden treasures of Fife.

Now we take a dramatic leap, landing up a whopping - wait for it - 522 miles south, here at lovely Sheerness, on the east Kent coast.

AS: So you've changed, I notice.

KW: I've changed into my dress that I bought for 40 quid.

You know, things like your fisherman's ball... Aha?

..I mean, that... That should do well here, in what is very much maritime Kent, is it not?

Absolutely, and just think of how many sailors and pirates only had one eye.

(THEY LAUGH) CS: This is lovely, isn't it?

PS: Very picturesque.

CS: Really beautiful.

PS: I can't understand why more people don't come here.

VO: It's finally auction day, and we want our celebrity teams hungry for the challenge.

Looking very elegant and raring to go.

Partner in crime.

Shall we "propel" ourselves...?

Oh, enough puns already!

VO: More than enough, thank you!

Frederick Walker Ltd opened their doors to auction hopefuls in 2004.

And resident auctioneer Michael Walking has taken a very good look at Kirsty and Alastair's combo lots for sale.

The World War memorabilia I think is going to struggle, if I'm honest.

The glass eyes, yes!

They're an attractive lot.

We should find somebody to buy them.

I've no idea what they would do with them but I suspect they're going to make £20 to £30 for the lot.

Very eclectic mixes of some items, where the napkin ring goes with the table and such like - we may struggle with that a little bit.

VO: So, abandon all hope... perhaps.

Kirsty and Alastair started their antiques adventure with £400 each.

Kirsty side-stepped austerity to go shopping mad, spending a wonderful £310 on 10 items, combined now in six auction lots.

Alastair was bold and decisive, yet actually spent very little - a mere £127 on seven items, now also in six auction lots.

Well done, you!

VO: So hold the front page and smoke 'em if you got 'em - the auction is about to begin.

This is all very cozy, isn't it?

PS: Sorry?

CS: Sorry!

No, you're fine!

VO: First to spoil for a fight are Kirsty and Phil's vibrant sporting prints.

£25 cost but they will make... 50.

Good girl.

Alastair?

CS: Very positive.

AS: Fighting cocks up first.

Shall we say for those £30 for the set of four?

Nice set of four prints there, £30 where?

20 then, somewhere, for those.

20 I've got.

Five anywhere now?

22.

25.

28.

30.

£30 bid.

Selling at 30 then.

66.

You just made 50 pence.

We made £5.

No, we made 50 pence, dear - we have to pay commission.

OK, we made 50 pence.

I am so disappointed.

VO: There's plenty of time later for disappointment - let's get on with the rest of it first.

Alastair and Catherine's nursery combo is next to seek a buyer.

I feel you're not feeling so sentimental about those.

Do you wish we hadn't bought them?

No, no.

I think that the rocking chair would do better somewhere else!

But unfortunately, we're here!

And a pair of kid gloves.

Have you got it there?

Gloves and chair.

There we are.

£30, somewhere?

Easily worth £30, I'd've thought.

30 I've got.

32 bid.

35.

35 bid.

38 where?

Done at 35.

Well done!

Ah, but it's worth much more than that.

Sh!

Look, be thankful for small mercies!

Be thankful for small gloves!

VO: Whilst Alastair complains about doubling his money, the eyes have it next.

I think the glass eyes are gonna be a winner.

No.

There's a lot of people in here with just one eye.

..anywhere now?

Unusual lot.

There we are.

£30 for the three somewhere?

Come on.

20, then, somewhere, clear them up?

Easily worth... 20 I've got.

20!

I... can I bid on these?

25.

28.

30.

£30 there.

32, fresh place.

Selling at 32.

KW: What did you pay...?

AS: Yeah!

What did you pay for them?

AS: Tenner!

PS: Kirsty... VO: Yes, cheer up, Philip.

Your unusual but handsome table/ napkin ring combo is up next.

Furniture has actually been going quite well.

Well, yeah, but we'll probably put a stop to that!

There we are, there.

I can start on commissions at £20.

CS: Oh, commission!

PS: A tenner!

30 here.

35.

40 here.

Five.

50 bid.

Five.

£55 bid.

60 anywhere now?

There at 55.

AS: Well done.

KW: Thank God.

So... That's good.

Feeling just a bit happier now.

VO: Alastair bought this in Edinburgh, much to Catherine's disdain.

Can his haste be vindicated today in Kent?

Very pretty lot, that one.

There we are.

65 I'm bid.

70 anywhere?

Disappointing price though.

65 with me.

70 in the room.

Five here.

80.

Five here.

90.

85 here - 90 where?

Here at 85.

You all done at 85?

Robbery with violence.

VO: Whilst Alastair complains about another decent profit, perhaps Kirsty and Phil's pretty pressed flowers can quell his rage.

I can feel the... the Edwardian ladies' flowers tanking.

What shall we say?

£30 for those.

20 then, somewhere?

Easily 20, surely.

£10 where?

£10.

10 I have.

12 anywhere now?

There at 10.

12 I have.

15.

£12 bid.

15 where?

There at 12, then.

I don't think Kent is ready for pressed flowers yet.

But they've got lots of marshes.

Yeah.

VO: Ouch!

I think we all expected that delightful collection to do better.

Rough justice in Kent today.

VO: Well, we don't get bogged down in a sad loss.

Your butcher's block and Scottish dairy bowl offer a chance to claw back some money.

PS: You're fairly relaxed about it all, aren't you?

No!

Not in the slightest!

How can you say that?!

She's sitting on the edge of her seat!

Start me somewhere around about £100.

Start me at 80, then, somewhere.

80 anywhere now?

Easily worth that, I would've thought.

50 I've got.

55 anywhere now?

55.

60.

Five.

70, sir?

75.

80.

85.

90.

95.

100.

Yep.

And five.

110.

It's beautiful.

Here at 105.

You all done at 105?

Good.

It still seems...

It still seems... Yeah, that's alright.

VO: Much better for Team Wark there.

And next up we've got... Oh, has anybody seen the... um...?

They've got to find them first.

AS: Yeah.

CS: They're in the cabinet.

They're in the cabinet because they're very valuable - that's why they're in the cabinet.

VO: Ah, here you go!

There we are, there.

Nice pair there, all the same.

There we are.

What are they worth?

£40?

30 anywhere now, surely?

Come on!

Who wants those at £30?

25 I'll take.

25 bid.

28 anywhere now?

28's bid.

30, sir?

30 bid.

And two.

£32 bid.

35 anywhere?

At 32 then.

VO: Excellent.

I'm sure that double money profit will lift Alastair and Catherine's spirits - finally.

I'm really disappointed with th...

I thought they might make a bit more.

I thought they would probably go... about 50.

VO: Well, let's keep Kirsty and Phil buoyant at least.

And the next one, rather unusual lot, there.

It's the oversized green glass fishing float there.

And a Scottish Spongeware plate.

Start me at 40.

40 anywhere?

That lot there for £40.

£30 to start me.

Anybody at £30?

I can't believe that.

20 I have.

20 I have there.

25 anywhere now?

30 bid.

35, sir?

At 30.

Gutted - gutted, gutted, gutted.

I'm really, really upset by that.

Gutted.

VO: Honestly - what can we do to cheer this room up?

VO: How about some First World War cartoons?

Just waiting to be... er... cut out and framed, to be honest.

Yes.

We have some nice pieces in there - probably about £1 each for the plates in there.

£30 for the lot.

Oh, come on.

£20 somewhere?

15 I have.

18.

18.

20 right here.

Sounds a cheap lot.

That's what we paid!

22 anywhere now?

20 I'm bid.

Two anywhere now.

20.

Oh, Alastair!

So are you gonna go and buy those back, Al?

I can't believe that.

It's a cruel world.

It is a cruel world.

VO: Oh dear.

Well, let's give Alastair and Catherine one last crack at success, shall we?

I can't bear the tension here.

Pressure.

Or you could turn it over and have it as gavel and anvil, for any budding auctioneers out there.

There we are, £10 for this one.

Who wants that for a tenner.

MICHAEL: 10 bid... CS: Keep going.

She's bidding.

Lady at 10.

12 anywhere now?

12 here.

15 where?

£12 here.

15 where?

Come on.

MICHAEL: There at 12 then.

CS: Oh, this is our last thing!

You made a profit.

How much was that?

Bah, £7 profit, less VAT... And commission.

Commission and... declarations of war... Christmas presents... PS: You've only just doubled your money - poor old you!

VO: Last, for a sky-high ending, are Kirsty and Phil's fine propellers.

KW: I think the propellers are gonna go big style, I really do, I've got a feeling...

Which way are they gonna go big style?

Gonna go up or down?

KW: Up.

PS: You think so?

Absolutely, cuz there's the kind of people in here that might like propellers.

£100 for the two somewhere?

Easily worth that, I would've thought.

50's all I'm bid.

Five anywhere now?

50 I'm bid for the two.

55 anywhere, please?

Shall I go and start the car?

Cheap lot.

No real interest.

Here at £50.

Are you all done at 50?

I think, in the end, there's only one thing for us left to do now, which is probably... be grown up about it and just go and sulk somewhere.

VO: Difficult to know what to say, isn't it?

Our celebrities began with £400 each.

After auction costs were removed, Kirsty and Phil's sad loss turned into a devastating £78.76.

Kirsty and Phil end their trip with just £321.24.

Despite disappointment, Alastair and Catherine made a flourishing profit of £50.12, finishing their road trip with, yep, £450.12.

All the money our celebrities and experts make will go to Children In Need.

So well done, everyone, especially today's victors - Alastair Stewart and Catherine Southon.

KW: Ugh!

Crash and burn.

AS: Well, well, well.

Well done.

CS: Oh!

I am gutted.

I can't believe...

They had so many bargains in there from us.

Well, I was gonna say "back to the daytime job" but worryingly, that's what I do!

(THEY LAUGH) VO: It's too late for regrets, Philip.

In fact, I think it's time to start the car, isn't it?

No, come on.

I'm... No, I'm sulking.

Look, we'll just go and have a drink.

That's my girl!

AS: Toot-toot!

VO: She may have lost the auction... Bye!

VO: ..but she's won the driving seat.

It's shotgun for Alastair and the road ahead for everyone.

Farewell.

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