♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪ (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Good morning, Mrs. Vine.

-Morning.

-Can I help you?

I've just taken a picture before it gets totally ruined.

Not gonna get ruined.

Are those breeze blocks?

This is a cob barn, you're supposed to let it breathe.

I'm surprised English Heritage-- I have permission.

The plans were made available for you to see.

I've seen them.

How many bedrooms was it?

Four, isn't it?

That's gonna be very poky.

You want to open it up, let in all the light.

This has nothing to do with you.

It's got everything to do with me.

Oh, I see, that's it is it, don't engage?

Is that the plan, just move in, do 'em up, sell 'em on.

"I am not responsible."

You live 200 yards away.

It's still my business.

Didn't think even your nose is that long.

I didn't mean your actual-- Too late.

SUSIE: Yoo-hoo!

CAROLINE: Oh, it's Susie.

Sorry.

Look, I'm in a mad dash.

I've gotta get the house straight before Rosie arrives.

-To clean?

-Yes.

But you know what it's like, unless she sees it exactly how I want it, she'll never get it right.

And I had to have such a huge clear-up after that party that Freya had.

-Did you hear about that?

-Yes, half the county came by all accounts.

And I've got Chris Moyles to thank for that apparently.

On my way to the dump, just wondered if you have any plastics.

-Oh, yes, I do, come through.

-Ah.

-(GOBBLING) -SAL: Go on.

Go on.

Shoo!

Go on.

Look, I didn't mean it.

Too late.

(GOBBLES) -Listen.

-Hmm?

Charles told me the news about Christopher.

What news?

That he's been sent to Afghanistan.

Oh, there's a coffee made there on the AGA, Susie.

On the AGA.

Look where I'm pointing.

On the AGA.

It may have gone a bit cold.

-Right.

-Now...

I'll, uh, pop it in the microwave.

Yes, would you?

Oh, give it a wipe while you're there, will you?

-The microwave?

-SUSIE: 'Course.

Now... (BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) (EXHALES) Oh, you caught me.

What you doing?

Well, what I'm not doing, right, I'm not going down to see Jock to give him something.

Are you going to see Jock to give him that cheese?

Yeah, I am, yeah, yeah.

Well, if you see him do me a favor and chuck it at his head.

Oh, I'm sensing you still don't like him then.

-No.

-Oh.

I tell you what, Sal, that Charles Dance is a single man these days.

I know, I Wikipeed him.

Imagine that, Sal, you and him together, eh?

It'll be like the Kenco Coffee adverts, wouldn't it?

'Cause he'd come round, wouldn't he, to borrow a bowl of sugar and, and the air would be like charged full up of chemistry.

-Yeah.

-Gold Blend.

-Pardon?

-Gold Blend.

No, I can't, thanks, Sal, I haven't got time.

I'm cleaning for Caroline, see.

I need some money.

-Bye.

-Bye.

(SAL CHUCKLING) (DOG WHIMPERS, BARKS) Now come in, come in if you're coming in and stay out if you're staying out.

-Good Lord.

Oh, Susie.

-SUSIE: Yeah?

I want to tell you something.

I've got rather an onerous task this morning of cutting Rosie's hours back.

-Oh.

Credit crunch thing?

-Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that, you know, when we're here on our own... -Exactly.

-...there's simply not the work, unless of course I've got something special on like Friday night.

-Friday night?

-Oh, didn't I tell you?

-No.

-Oh, my God.

John, in his wisdom, has invited some colleagues down from London for a dinner and an overnight on their way to Salcombe.

-SUSIE: Hmm?

-CAROLINE: Yes, I can see you're shocked.

-I mean, he has no idea.

-No.

You know this isn't his flat in Kensington, this is Devon.

Yes.

One can't just nip out like Nigella to the deli and get a sort of Manchego -and a cup full of porcini at a moment's notice.

-Porcini.

A dinner party can take weeks in preparation, but anyway the reason I'm telling you this is because I was going to ask Rosie if she would clear and serve, what do you think?

Of course, swings and roundabouts.

Absolutely, make up the hours.

Now, any more to dump?

Um, have you got the trailer?

-No, the Discovery.

-No, then no.

Morning, lover.

Paper.

I'm parched, aren't you?

Morning.

-(ROSIE SCATS, TRILLS) -(SIGHS) (SCATTING) (CONTINUES SCATTING) (SIGHS) (ROSIE LAUGHS) (CONTINUES SCATTING) (SIGHS) -Yes.

-Yeah.

Four biscuits.

There's our four biscuits.

(MUMBLING) (SIGHS, SCATS) Come on, we gotta get on with some proper cleaning.

Do you want a cup of tea?

I'm fine, actually, really.

Got any special jobs you want to do today?

Um, oh, did you yesterday manage to bring all the shoes down from upstairs and get them polished as I suggested?

Yes, and no.

I got the shoes but I couldn't find the polish, but I did not waste my time, I did something else entirely.

Oh, you used your initiative good.

What?

I went back to folding all the cling film.

Right.

I'll tell you what will be very, very useful for me today is if you could show me again exactly how you like all the dusting and hoovering done, you know, where you go around and do it and I just like follows you.

-Yes.

-ROSIE: Yeah.

Actually, I think I need to have a little word with you.

Would you come and sit down?

Oh, no.

Just come and sit.

(MUMBLING) Not again.

I'm going to be in trouble again.

Gonna be in trouble.

-Now, Rosie.

-Your Majesty.

It's about your hours.

Ooh!

Yes, I can, thanks.

-What?

-Do more hours?

Oh, no, I was going to suggest less.

Oh, no thanks, no, I can't do less.

If I's do's less I have to do none at all, 'cause I've been offered full time elsewhere, see.

-Oh.

-ROSIE: Yeah, so that won't do at all.

-No.

-No, that won't do at all.

CAROLINE: No.

No.

So I'll just fit a few more hours in, shall I?

-Righty-ho.

-Yeah, yeah.

Is that all I can do for you today?

-Oh, no, actually there is one more thing.

-ROSIE: Oh.

Um, on Friday night, John has invited some friends from London down on the train, for a dinner party.

-ROSIE: Oh, lovely.

Yes?

-Yes.

And I don't know if you're free at all that evening but-- Oh.

(PANTS) -CAROLINE: I was wondering if you-- -Yes.

-Wondering if you could-- -ROSIE: I'd be honored.

If you could come-- I'd be honored to come to your dinner party.

(GASPS) I won't let you down, Your Ladyship.

A dinner party, is it?

Oh, God.

I've never been to a dinner party.

Oh, no.

Oh, Ricky's away with the lorry.

Oh, he won't be able to come, it'll just be me, that won't bugger up your numbers, will it?

-No, not at all.

-No, no.

(LAUGHS) Oh, good, dinner party.

How smart is it?

'Cause I'm gonna dress up like a proper lady, I'm gonna wash, I'm gonna do my hair, I won't let you down, Your Ladyship.

(GASPS SHARPLY) I know.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

Do you want those shoes, Rosie?

Oh, Your Ladyship.

Oh, they're just an old pair.

No, they're beautiful aren't they, for Friday?

'Cause I'll always take care of 'em, always.

Fine.

I will keep them in a glass cabinet, in memory of you.

Fine.

Right.

Right.

-You'd better crack on with that hoovering.

-Yes.

ROSIE: I'll finish off the cling film.

(SIGHS) (BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) What do you want, very rude boy?

To apologize.

SAL: Go on then.

I'm sorry.

How you getting it to do that?

What?

That.

How are you getting it to lie still like that?

(PEN THUDS) Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I thought you'd be pleased.

Pleased?

You kept saying you wanted to kill it.

I wanna kill my children but I don't want to see them hanging in the butcher's window two hours later.

Oh!

Bloody hell!

Look, I'm sorry, I'll get you another if that's what you want.

No, just... (STUTTERS) just shove it in the sink, go on.

Oh, God, that is adding bloody injury to insult.

No, death to insult.

Bloody hell!

Shove it in the sink and bugger off.

Ooh!

(RETCHES) CAROLINE: Well, Susie, of course, I tried talking to her but you know what it's like.

I mean, I have no idea what John's going to say.

What?

No, no, I don't think you should try and tell her, I think you'd be absolutely hopeless.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Hello.

Hello.

Come in.

It's the vicar.

What?

Oh, yes, what a good idea.

Yes, he can tell her it's been a complete mistake.

Oh, he's very good at that, yes, well done, Susie.

Alright, I'll see you later.

Come in, come through.

I-I'm just delivering a leaflet about the recital Veronica's giving next month.

-Oh, Veronica, your singer friend.

-Yes.

Oh, John will love that, he was very taken with her areolas.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Do sit.

-Oh.

-Um, it is also by way of a pastoral visit.

-That's revolting.

ROSIE: ♪ You're beautiful!

♪ Hello, Vicar.

Excuse me, just getting a biscuit.

CAROLINE: Off you go, Rosie.

♪ You're beautiful, it's true ♪ Did you say pastoral visit?

Yes, I understand your son Christopher has recently been sent to Afghanistan.

Yes, Afghanistan, he's in the Army.

-(microwave dings) -So, well, um-- Oh, I see, uh, no, really, we are fine.

It's his job you see, that's our way of thinking.

He loves it, and it's bloody good for him.

Well, good for you.

CAROLINE: Yes.

No, stay seated.

Um... there's something I really wanted to ask you.

I hope you don't think I'm being presumptuous.

Um, but on Friday night, John and I are having a dinner party-- I'd love to.

-What?

-Come on Friday evening.

How very kind.

I have to say I don't get asked out much, so... Well, that'd be lovely.

Well, better be pushing off.

(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) Sal.

Oh, hi, Caroline, look at this.

CAROLINE: Oh.

Well, can I say about time too?

You wanna hang that, by the way.

Can I have a word?

Now, I know we don't normally do this sort of thing but have you got any plans for Friday evening?

-Evening?

-Yes.

To come to dinner.

Friday evening as in this Friday evening?

Yes, yes.

Oh, it's not one of those double dates sort of things, is it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

Huh.

No, I don't think it's my sort of thing, really, Caroline.

No, no, I need you, I need you to come, you have to come.

Why?

Oh, God, I need you to keep an eye on Rosie for me.

Oh, I see.

She's got it into her head that she's coming as a guest on Friday.

Oh, that's an easy mistake to make.

Yes, as you can imagine, it's far from ideal and the Vicar is coming as well somehow.

Obviously.

And so I need you there because you are so wonderful with her, Sal.

You know, I need you in case things get complicated, you know.

Hmm.

No, I-I don't think so.

But for Rosie's sake you'd come, wouldn't you?

For Rosie's sake as well as mine?

-Oh, okay, okay.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

Right, if you come with Rosie and be there at 7:30.

-Right.

-Alright?

Yep, good.

I'll look forward to it.

Well, don't, it's gonna be an utter nightmare.

Here to help.

Hmm?

Oh, good, good.

Susie, will you, please, lay up the dining room table, alright?

SUSIE: Of course.

Now John is gonna call as soon as they're close on the train, so we can time the veg.

Charles is on the same train so he can give them a lift from the station.

He leaves the people mover there.

People mover?

I know, ghastly but terribly useful unfortunately, and, don't worry, we will go as soon as they get here.

-Good.

-SUSIE: Now, two knives?

ROSIE: On my head.

-How's that?

-Yeah, that's good, yeah.

-Oh!

-This is lovely.

Yeah, got it in the charity shop.

I'm a bit nervous, Sal.

You don't need to be nervous, Rosie.

You look like a real lady.

Oh, thanks.

-(EXHALES) -Are you sure about the shoes?

Yeah.

SAL: Not too painful?

Yeah, they are actually, yeah.

But she'd be offended, wouldn't she, if I didn't wear 'em?

She was begging me to wear 'em.

I don't even like 'em, to be honest.

Do you want a bracer, Rosie?

Yeah, go on then, steady the nerves.

Oh, God, was ever an evening more dreaded by all concerned?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I'm gonna love it.

-Hmm.

-I'm gonna drink it all in.

-Here you go.

-Yeah.

BOTH: Cheers.

(RETCHES) (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) Right.

Slight delay on the train front, I'm afraid.

Everyone alright for drinks?

-Yes.

-Hmm, fine.

Perfect, thank you.

A lovely wine if I may say so, a lovely, um, bouquet.

What, what bottle did you open, it wasn't one of John's, was it?

No, it was the black one, the black screw top.

Rosie, do you want to take off your coat now?

Yes, I could, yes, I've warmed up nicely, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, no, how very rude.

Sorry, milady, I meant to give you this before.

There's cheese for thanks.

Oh, thank you.

No, thank you, thank you.

Oh, that solves ones mystery I suppose.

I was wondering what that smell was.

I was about to blame the dog.

How are the dogs?

Dog, Sal.

-We lost one.

-Ohh.

He's getting on a bit now, you know.

We've become a sort of do check your shoes as you come through the hallway sort of household.

He doesn't often make it outside.

Well, let's not stand on ceremony.

Shall we sit down?

VICAR: Mm-hmm.

Yes, I must say, I do think your house is one of the most splendid in the town.

CAROLINE: Shall we stay in the kitchen?

It's much warmer.

Um... No, um, no, not at all, absolutely much warmer.

Sit.

(CLEARS THROAT) I won't light a fire in the other room because it's smoking terribly.

Susie, will you stop titting about, please, with the nibbles and pour some more wine.

Right.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) What?

For how long?

Well, I wish you'd checked this before.

Because I would have blown them all off.

Alright, well, let me know when you get moving.

Alright, see you later.

God.

(SIGHS) -What news?

-Not good, I'm afraid.

The train has been held up at Westbury because of floods in Wiltshire.

-VICAR: Poor things.

-Yes, so... How's the food doing?

Is it all...

It's fine, it can wait.

Um... -Then I think we should wait, don't you?

-Yeah.

-We have everything we need.

-CAROLINE: Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe we could crack into that cheese, maybe.

Ooh, that's a good idea, Rosie, yeah, it'll soak up the wine, otherwise we're gonna be on the floor when they get here.

Right.

Sorry about this.

Oh, it's fine, we're fine, it's lovely.

-We can entertain ourselves.

-VICAR: Yes.

We can have a go at that thing Eileen wants us to do for the Guild.

Oh, the questionnaire.

Yes, actually a very good idea, that'll kill time.

Now, where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Here we go.

Right, we have to make a list of what we think are British values.

-Right.

-Here we go.

Right, off we go.

The Queen.

Yes, good, the Queen.

The rule of law.

Susie, will you just let somebody else have a chance?

How about tolerance?

Tolerance, yes.

I suppose that has its place.

-Tolerance.

-Cat food.

Can we take it seriously?

No, really, because Ricky says in other countries they don't even feed cats, they're just like scavengers.

And so, putting cat food in a tin is actually really British, actually.

Yeah, let's go ahead.

Yes.

Oh, well, I'll try and keep something warm for you in the AGA bottom.

Alright, alright, I'll see you later.

(SIGHS) (SIGHS) The train is now going backwards, at Pewsey.

-Oh.

-Oh, dear.

(SIGHS) Shall we tuck into the starters?

Do you know what, I think we're going to have to.

I'm so sorry about this.

-It's perfectly fine.

-Do you want some help, Susie?

No, she's fine, I tell you what, plate it up over there and then bring it... No, don't plate up over there.

Bring the big plate and then we'll all do it ourselves.

There we go.

I hope you don't mind eating in here.

-No, no, we're fine, as long as we eat.

-VICAR: No, no, no.

May I just say, Your Ladyship, this lemon soup is absolutely delicious, thank you so much for that.

It's not actually lemon soup, it's a finger bowl.

It's for your prawns.

Oh, right, yeah.

Everyone has a piece of that.

-Alright there?

-It's a finger bowl.

CAROLINE: Even my son Christopher, he always says, he doesn't know why we have that dining room because it's always freezing cold and no one ever uses it, you know.

It should be a billiard room, really.

He's a soldier, isn't he?

He's a lovely boy, that one.

Your son Christopher in, in the, um, in, who's been sent to-- Afghanistan, he's in the Helmand.

Oh, God that must be a worry.

Oh, no, we're fine.

I mean, as John says, people get so hysterical about that sort of thing these days.

I mean, it is his job and he loves it.

-Too much sentimental hogwash these days.

-CAROLINE: Yes.

VICAR: It seems people can barely open their mouths without blubbing.

-CAROLINE: Yes.

-A world of high fives and crying.

John blames Princess Diana.

Flowers in cellophane on virtually every available piece of street furniture.

Yes, exactly.

I think it's hard though when they're out there.

Your son was out there, wasn't he, Rosie?

Yeah, in Iraq.

He was Rifles, he's back now though, so we're all relieved really, yeah, 'cause he's safe now.

In fact, he's very, very, very, very safe now.

What-what's he doing?

He's inside.

Yeah, 'cause he got done for GBH in Torquay when he got back, so, he's very, very, very safe, yeah.

It's fu... (LAUGHS) It's funny really when you think about it.

He gets a medal for what he do's out there and he comes back and do's the same and he gets locked up.

(LAUGHS) Do-do you get news from him?

Um, apparently he leaves these video tape messages on the inter web... -Oh.

-...which I don't really understand but John's into all that sort of thing, you know.

In fact, he's got quite hooked on it.

I mean, he can spend all night on My Face.

No.

Yes, he and his friend.

All night?

Yes, on My Face.

You mean Space.

Book.

On My Space Book, is it?

-Facebook.

-What?

(SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) (SNICKERS) Have you seen any of these messages?

No, no, no, I haven't seen them.

And John says I shouldn't really, because like, you know, I'll just blub or something, some silly old emotional fool I am, you know.

We're not great communicators, we're not great chatterers, you know.

For God's sake, where is your laptop?

-The what?

-The, the... portable.

SUSIE: Hmm.

Oh, it's in John's study, on top of the Grundig next to the Amstrad.

-Do sit down, Susie will get it.

-I'll go.

-All night?

-CAROLINE: Yes.

Sometimes I wake up and he's still on it.

SUSIE: That's it, I think.

SAL: Yep.

Yep.

Caroline, do you want to see the message?

Ah, yes, I suppose I should, really.

Yes.

-Shall we leave?

-No.

Good grief.

Susie, spectacles.

Oh, right, there we go.

Now, how does one go about this?

Just press that one there.

There we go.

JOHN (ON LAPTOP): Hi, everyone, just to let you know that we got here safe.

We're all quite tired but everyone's doing a fantastic job.

Love you loads.

Miss you all.

Miss you all loads.

Love you, Mum.

Um, say hello to everyone at the rugby club.

Love to everyone I know, and I'll see you on October the 16th.

Love to the dog, Mum.

Can't wait to get back.

Out of the mozzies.

Love to Dad.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) CAROLINE: Oh.

I'm amazed they allow 'em to have their hair that long, but I suppose since Prince Harry anything goes.

(VOICE BREAKING) Did you hear that?

ROSIE: He'll be fine, mate, he'll be fine.

Come on, stiff lips, stiff lips, yeah, stiff lips, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's okay, come and sit down.

-Silly old fool.

-Right.

Sit down.

Sorry, sorry, I'm weeping.

Silly, really.

Silly.

No, it's not.

There you are.

ROSIE: Is that the letter, Caroline?

CAROLINE: (SNIFFS) Yes.

What letter?

ROSIE: Well, before they goes out, sometimes they writes a letter in case they don't come back.

SAL: Oh, my God.

No, it's alright, it's a happy letter generally.

I read my son's letter after he got back safely.

What did it say?

Oh, things like, stop crying, you muppets, obviously something's happened to me and now I'm in heaven and one day we'll all be together again so just get on with it.

And then he wrote some lovely things about his nana and then he said, um, big kick up the arse to his brother, and then he says something, which your son probably says as well.

Caroline, he says, you're the best mother what anyone could ever have wished for.

I doubt that very much.

No, that's what he will have said, and chins up, Ma and Pa, and love to the dog.

(CAROLINE SNIFFLES) (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh... Oh, right, sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

(RINGING CONTINUES) (WHISPERING) Have you read that letter?

CAROLINE: Alright, yes... (INDISTINCT) See you in a moment.

(MOUTHS) Good, right, they're on their way from the station.

SAL: Oh, right, well, we'll push off then.

Oh, what about the dinner party?

We're gonna miss it.

Caroline's had quite enough for one day, thank you.

Oh, don't feel you have to though, really.

No, leave that.

Susie will do everything.

-Oh, okay.

-You just push off.

-Sal.

-Oh.

Sorry.

-SAL: Rosie, Rosie, no.

-Rosie.

Um, thank you so much.

Vicar, could I have a quick word with you?

Yes.

I do so hate having this letter.

I wonder if you would, um, keep it for us.

Sure.

Um, of course I will, yes.

And pray for him, obviously.

-Obviously.

-Thank you.

-Right.

-Right.

Off we go.

Has everyone got their coat?

Are you alright?

Will you just get this cleared up and move into the dining room?

Right.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) -Thank you.

-Off you go.

Off you go.

-Thank you.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CAR HORN HONKS) Oh.

Oh, God, please keep him safe.

That poor boy.

Right, John, you can light them a fire and get them a whiskey and I'll get some food.

Thank God, you didn't arrive earlier, it was absolutely ghastly.

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (RUSTLING) Is that the turkey murderer?

JOCK: It is.

Well, come on, catch up.

I can't stand being stalked.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪