(SERENE AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Let's kick arse, sweetie.

...if they can be delivered this afternoon, that'll be fine.

But check on that.

Check on that.

Now, Bobby, I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I, I don't want that, I just want those.

-Morning, darling.

-Morning.

Thank you, sweetie.

(BELL RINGING) Do you hear that?

Do you hear that noise, darling, that-that bell?

What is it, sweetie?

(RINGING CONTINUES) Ah.

Stop it, stop it!

Stop... Stop it.

Stop it!Stop it!

-(RINGING STOPS) -(SIGHS) (GROANS) (PANTING) (CLICKS) Saffy: Good night!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) -(ALARM RINGING) -Saffy, darling.

Saff!

Saff!

Saff!

Tinnitus.Tinntilus.

(STUTTERING) Tin... Tin... Tinnilu... Tinntillitus, darling.

-Sweetheart, dar... -(RINGING STOPS) It's gone.

It's cleared, it's cleared.

I know.

If it's going to be any use to you, you have to remember you've got it.

Don't throw it down there like that.

I've got to waste valuable seconds walking over here, bending down and picking it up.

Valuable seconds.

When I should be... -(DICTAPHONE CHIMES) -Rehydrating, darling.

Yes.

I'm trimming down my life, darling.

Working to a schedule.

Moving out.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Yeah, any-anyway, darling.

You know, can't get distracted, I've gotta keep on the move today, you know.

Have you seen this, darling?

Have you seen this?

Look.

It's got all my appointments, my meetings, and my lunches and my phone number... s. There's something else in there.

Everything I need, darling.

Everything I need to know and when I've got to do it.

This is the new me, darling.

I'm a mover and a shaker, and I'm moving out.

It's work, work, work, work, work for me from now on, darling.

Why?

Well, someone gave it to me free, and it's the latest thing.

You're better off just writing everything down on a piece of paper.

A piece of paper.

It's all very well for you, isn't it?

You know, get up, drink, Appletise.

Go to university.

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

Oh, very important.

Come home.

Drink Appletise.

Go to bed.

It's all very well for someone who still organizes their life from a 1986 Letts Pocket Brownie diary with a matching mini pencil.

Life is slightly more complicated for the rest of us, darling.

E.g.

"Wednesday 8:00 a.m. Get up.

Kick ass."

Well...

There's one step ahead already.

(DICTAPHONE CHIMES) Exercise.

(SIGHS) (SIGHS DEEPLY) No, don't touch those.

Don't touch those.

It took me three hours to choose those last night, darling.

Those are the clothes that I must put on today.

Those are the ones that have been chosen.

The decision has been made.

Oh, yeah, you can tell Juanita or whatever her name is that everything has to go to the dry cleaners every other day.

I've got practically no clean knickers left at all.

I've just gotta get this house in shape, in shape.

What have you done about the kitchen?

Well, what about it?

Well, we still haven't got one.

Well, I'll consult my oracle and see what can be done.

See you downstairs.

Yeah.

See you downstairs.

Oh, no, darling, darling, darling, darling.

Come back here, come back here.

(SIGHS) You know what I'm gonna say, don't you, darling?

You know what I'm gonna say.

I hate those flowers, those, those flowers there.

They're too English.

I just want simplicity and sort of, Japanese efficiency.

The land where they haven't even got time to let the trees grow tall, darling.

That's what I want.

No theater, and no time for petals in my life.

I want stems.

Yes, Mum.

-(DICTAPHONE RINGING) -Uh, uh... Quick shower, quick shower.

(SIGHS) Oh, and one other thing, and one other thing.

Darling, darling, come back.

Sweetheart, and I put a couple of seconds aside to say this to you today.

Why can't you have floppy hair like any normal teenager, hmm?

I mean, why do you have it bunched up like this?

Let it free, give it a life.

Let it just flop, flop, flop, flop.

I mean, even Eskimo teenagers have floppy hair, darling.

Little Amazonian Pygmy teenagers have floppy hair, darling.

(SIGHS) Right.

Quick shower, quick shower.

Wash and go.

Sandpaper exfoliant, cellulite breakdown, tone and perm, Auto Bronze on, and birch twigs.

Should I have soap?

No, no soap.

(TELEPHONE BUZZES) Hi, Gran.

Edina: No, no.

Oh, Lord Jesus Christ!

Oh, bloody buggery Almighty.

Attune, attune.

(CHANTING GIBBERISH) I think your mother wants you, Saffy, dear.

(CHANTING CONTINUES) No.

No.

I just, I just cannot be this person.

-I cannot be this person.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, what?

Oh, what now?

What, what, what, what?

Oh, damn.

Oh, damn.

Darling, Bubble, it's me.

Look, I'm getting bogged down with one thing or another.

You'll have to cancel a couple of meetings.

Will you?

Will y... Well, just... Well, just ring them... No, you do it.

You... Just ring them up, darling.

And then ring me back and tell me what they...

Unless you've already... You do it.

No, you do it.

Alright.

I cannot be this person.

Speak to me.

Speak to me.

Where are you?

Where are you?

(PANTING) (GROANING) Yes.

Yes.

No, I hear you.

I hear you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Oh!

Thank God.

X-Generation, silver tracksuit.

That's me.

-(EDINA MUMBLING) -(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Now, what are you telling me?

Huh?

Huh?

Breakfast, breakfast, darling.

That's, "Black coffee and crispbread, 15 minutes."

I can't eat crispbread for 15 minutes, it'll grate my insides.

Croissant.

Morning, dear.

Morning.

Surprise, surprise, you're here.

Can you make Mama a cup of coffee, darling, please?

Oh, and how should we do that, dear?

Rub two sticks together and draw some water from the well?

(SNICKERING) -Don't think you're so clever.

-Mother: Hmm.

I've started repressed false memory therapy.

I'll get something on you yet.

You in a wood in a hood.

It's all coming back to me.

(SIGHS) Anyway, this place will get done.

I mean, it just can't happen overnight, darling.

I...

I am doing it.

When?

You've got every swatch, every sample, every picture, every magazine.

Every interior designer in London has been marched around this sad basement.

Uh-uh, not Anouska Hempel, darling.

I've had it up to here with black taffeta.

It cannot be that difficult.

Have you any idea, darling, of the choice?

Just point at a picture.

Huh.

Well, I've...

I've seen a door handle I quite like.

Mum.

We need surfaces, a cooker, a dishwasher.

A dishwasher?

A dishwasher.

I don't see the point in them.

I mean, you've still gotta stand up, go over to them, bend over, put things in, take 'em out, put them wherever they go.

I mean, washing up is the easy part.

How would you know?

Well, they wouldn't give Nanette Newman anything too complicated to do, would they, darling?

(TELEPHONE BUZZES) Well, I must be going.

I'll see you later, maybe.

Bye, Gran.

Mother: Bye, dear.

-Morning, Patsy.

-Mrs. M. Are you feeling alright, dear?

-Well, actually-- -Oh, good.

Oh.

(OBJECTS CLATTER) You know, Pats, what do you think about the kitchen?

Hmm?

Well, it's fabulous.

It's not done yet.

Yeah, but, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe this is fabulous, darling.

No.

-Huh?

-Darling.

Darling.

If it's what you want, I mean, an interior designer might have taken months to get it to look this good.

Months of work to get this scorching, and, this sort of, distressed look.

A hell of a lot of thought might have gone in to this.

There are people who specialize in this look.

Edina: Hmm.

Just because she did it unconscious with a cigarette, darling, doesn't make it wrong.

Darling, it is like art.

And what the hell is the difference between a painting done by someone who chooses to paint like a child and a child's painting?

Well, it looks fine to me, you know.

It's naive.

Simplicity and utility.

Yeah, I know.

It's just that I don't like it, darling.

Well, then, forget it, darling.

What do you want?

Well, do you know that picture of the Hoover Dam I've got, sweetie?

-Do you want modern?

-Well, I want modern, yes, but not what modern was, you know, post-modern, or, sort of, what it is, you know, just new, I just want what it will be.

You know, like, sort of, you know, that kinda stainless steel operating theater.

No, no.No, darling, you know, when you're like, Darling, you know, when you're at the dentist and there's, like, that chair and "clang-clang-clang," the big light comes down, and there's this spit, pink spit, spit.

The thing you spit into that bowl, that bowl, that's the sort of look is what I want, the bowl.

A sort of ultra-modern spitoon.

Yes.

Yes.

I thought you liked some of the ones in the Conran book.

Yeah, well, that's depressing in itself, isn't it, darling?

I mean, why is it, no matter what you're doing, whatever you want, there's always a Terence bloody-buggery-Conran book on it?

(SHUDDERS) Piece of muslin and a terracotta tile and suddenly it's Tuscany.

Yeah, I know.

It takes more than a carefully placed bottle of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to make a kitchen.

Patsy: But, Eddy, Eddy, you know those things that hang down from the ceiling.

-Yeah.

Oh... -You don't want those.

You don't wanna be living in constant danger of being decapitated by a fish broiler.

No.

Anyway, anyway, I could have thought of all that.

I wonder if Lacroix does kitchens.

-Eddy, I, I wanna-- -(TELEPHONE BUZZING) -Oh.

That'll be Bubble.

-Oh, damn.

Why is she coming here?

Because, darling, I've got important meeting with some advertisers today.

There's no point in going into the office just to come out again.

We having lunch today, Eddy?

Yeah, we can have lunch.

I may be on a tight schedule, but I still got time for my friends.

Sorry I'm a bit late.

I got attached to this guy at South Kensington.

His toggle got caught in me bellybutton ring and I had to go five stops past.

-Ohh.

-Oh, let's see.

Is it bleeding?

Oh!

Oh!

That's disgusting.

Butchery.

Oh, you were saying I should get that done, Pats.

Oh, just to see.

-Well, what?

-Well, how much it hurts.

It can't hurt that much.

I mean, it can't hurt much more than tattooing, and you've had that,thatdone.

I just have a little one on my shoulder.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Ho, ho, ho.

-And the rest.

-(SHUSHING) She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakables.

-Eddy.

-I didn't.

Unmentionables, I said.

That could be anywhere on her.

I'm going upstairs.

I've got some work to do.

Oh, darling, before you go, can you help me?

You know, I've got the PR-PR-Persons' Awards dinner of the month lunch, you know, tomorrow.

And can you help me write a speech?

No.

I don't know why I can't do it.

I... You know, there's a speech in here somewhere.

I just must have a block.

Will you book me a high colonic, darling?

I'll get it out of me by hook or by crook.

And then go through my Dictaphone and extract anything important, alright, darling?

-I'm going for a slash.

-Alright.

Shall I put it on my pad?

Your pad?

Where's the computer?

Computer?

Yeah, I told you to buy a laptop.

A lap... top?

Top?

-Get rid of it.

-(GASPS DEEPLY) But I've grown so fond, and it's so cute.

And it's not just for life, it's for Christmas.

Edina: Oh.

Just do the Dictaphone, darling.

The Dictaphone.

It's very important.

Alright.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER DICTAPHONE) (SINGING ALONG TO I GOT RHYTHM) ♪ ...I've got... ♪ ♪ I've got rhythm ♪ -♪ I've got music ♪ -(KNOCK ON DOOR) ♪ I've got my man ♪ -♪ Who could ask for... ♪ -(TURNS OFF SONG) Who is it?

Patsy: Um, It's me, Patsy.

But it's not what you think.

What do you mean?

Can I come in?

Don't try anything.

Don't close the door.

Look, um, this is quite serious, um...

I want you to look at something for me, I mean, I...

I'd ask Eddy, but she's very busy and, uh...

I thought, you know, you might understand it, you know, doing science and all that.

Um, it's confidential, alright?

What is it?

I just want you to tell me what it means and, and how bad it is.

Oh, well, it's from your Health Authority.

And, um, What does it mean?

Well, they need you to go for a smear test and a... breast check.

They say they have no record of you ever having either and that's quite dangerous in a woman of... your sort of age.

And what do they think I've got?

Well, they test for cancer.

-Where?

-(SIGHS) Oh, look, I don't wanna be asking you this!

Your cervix.

(SAFFY CLEARS THROAT) The entrance to your womb.

Ugh.

Look.

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, right, right.

Yeah, right, right.

Okay.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

-Where's the other leg?

-(SAFFY SIGHS) It's a cross-section.

I mean, look...

It's nothing to worry about.

Oh, right.

Look, I'll fill in this form for you and all you have to do is post it.

Right.

And, um, and the breast thing?

(SIGHS) Well... Do you ever check your breasts yourself?

Oh.

No, but you can't miss 'em.

I mean... Never had any complaints.

Are you alright in there?

Oh.

You've just gotta go, darling, and I'm calling you on the way back to the office.

Take your mobile.

Off you go.

Off you go.

Go, go, go.

Alright?

(PHONE RINGS) Hello, Bubble speaking.

I know, sweetheart.

Go.

Go.

Go.

Oh, darling, what I want you to do is, I want you to ring up and cancel that meeting.

And tell them, anyway, nobody likes me and they won't like what I have to say, but I'll just say it anyway.

They can do what they want, and I'm sure it'll be great.

But if you're... What?

Just go.

Go.

Go on.

What?

And if they want to speak to you?

-(STATIC FEEDBACK) -Oh, now we're getting feedback.

Tell them I haven't got time.

Have you got the number?

-(SCREAMING) -(FEEDBACK CONTINUES) (FEEDBACK STOPS) Do you feel anything?

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's a... Saffy: For heaven's sake.

Look, I... (CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) Well, what?

Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Hang on.

What's that?

Oh, no, no, I-I know what that is.

That's alright.

No.

Look, I think you're okay, but I think you should see a doctor anyway.

Right.

And, um, the other thing, the smear, is that a doctor thing or, or...

Doctor.

If you ever mention this to anyone, I'll kill you.

Right, I'll kill you.

Don't worry, it's not something I want people knowing either.

Right.

Cheers, thanks a lot.

-(DICTAPHONE RINGING) -Oh, what?

-What now?

What-- Oh, yes.

-(DICTAPHONE CHIMING) Achtung!

Achtung!

Achtung!

-(INDISTINCT) -(RINGING AND CHIMING CONTINUES) No, I'm sorry, it's alright, darling.

I'm going to do this in a totally calm and non-aggressive way.

(INHALES) Give me back my life!

Thank you.

I wondered how long that would last.

Yeah, well... You can't live your life under that sort of pressure, darling.

I mean... You know, I had to cancel all my appointments today already.

Well done, Eddy.

Yeah.

Anyway, I've seen this new one we can get.

It's a crystal-driven, biorhythm-attuned organizer, darling.

It tells you when you're ready for a meeting, and not the other way around.

Only when your goddess power is at its most fertile should you attempt one.

Oh, oh, and, darling, there's the Shirley MacLaine organizer.

It fixes up meetings in different existences and lives.

And in which life are you going to get 'round to doing something about the kitchen?

Instead of wasting a whole day, just do one thing, here and now, on this plane.

Just one thing!

If you don't do this place, I will.

Lighten up, sweetie.

Lighten up.

Oh, God... Krr... Krr...

Heal.

Heal.

You don't get things done just by being uptight, you know, darling.

Anyway, I'm gonna do one thing today.

I'm gonna do one thing today.

I shall go and find the door handle, alright?

One thing.

You don't mind if we do that, darling?

No, darling, there's still time for a spot of lunch and a little shopping.

Ah, yeah.

My mouth and my credit card are still very much in this life.

Come on.

(SIGHS) "Meg Ryan, movie star."

I'll be the judge of that.

Yeah.

-She's all gums.

-Who?

Meg Ryan, she's all gums.

You aren't still going on about her?

Let us shush, darling.

I've gotta think.

I've gotta plan my day and what I've got to do.

Right, one, I've gotta get the door handle.

-(SIGHS DEEPLY) -Well, what?

I mean, darling, I have to do these things, you know.

I've gotta get the door handle.

You haven't got this responsibility.

You don't have the burden of property.

Where are you living at the moment, anyway?

I've still got that little place.

Above Oddbins.

Well, you only rent that place.

Two, two... Two?

-Have lunch, Eddy.

-Have lunch.

I have to make a list.

I have to make a list.

-Eddy... -Oh!

Don't let me forget the speech for the PR-PR-Persons' Awards dinner of the month lunch.

-Eddy, Eddy, Eddy?

-What?

Have you had the -- test?

What do you mean, "-- test"?

You know...

The hand -- test?

Oh, I don't do the hand -- test thing, I go to the clinic once a month and have a mammoliagram.

Oh.

Stop, stop, stop.

There's a shop back there I want to look at, just in case.

Turn 'round and pull over.

And when you pull over, will you just switch the engine off?

You can't drive round like that wasting petrol.

I know you've got a catatonic converter, but they're no good, you know.

(INDISTINCT) This is so clean.

Clean... Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.

Darling, Patsy, I don't want clean.

(SIGHS) I've got to remember where I've seen that door handle, darling.

Look, why don't you just get someone to do it and just do it?

'Cause I'm not like you, Pats.

I can't just live in anything.

I'm very sensitive to my surroundings.

That's why I'll have to get my feng chewy man in to do it, I think.

To do it.

It's great, darling.

He's a Chinese master in where to put your furniture to energize your life into a higher state of-of living and success.

-Is he in China?

-No, darling.

He's in a bedsit up in Camden Town, on the railway.

Where should we have lunch, Eddy?

Atlantic?

I remember where I've seen it.

I remember where I've seen the door handle.

Hey-ho.

La-di-da.

I just want to get the door handle.

Alright.

We've got a few things then to do.

-Like what?

-Lunch.

-Lunch... -We'll go to Sardi's for lunch or something, shall we?

-Yeah.

-Then we'll do Ralph Lauren... -Yeah.

-Donna Karan... Yeah.

We'll just cross here, sweetie.

-Edina: Calvin Klein, alright?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Karl Lagerfeld.

-We can do Lagerfeld, darling.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) You've gotta make me sip something every 15 seconds, or I'll die.

You know which way you're going, Ed?

Should be this way.

Yes, I know this.

Right, Madonna's got offices down here, darling.

I nearly had sex with her.

Patsy: Didn't we all?

Edina: Did you ever see that book, darling?

(TIRES SCREECH) Kids' stuff.

Should we get a cab?

And if we've got time, we can get some little gorgeous things.

Ooh, that's nice.

It's a bit better now.

How much further is it, darling?

Just... Come on, Ed.

Just here.

Just here.

Just here.

No.

-Do you think I should?

-Yeah.

I mean, it's the thing to do.

If you don't do it, you won't have done it.

But it might hurt, darling.

No, it won't hurt.

If it hurts, so many people wouldn't have had it done, would they?

Now, come on, come on, Ed.

Come on.

-Edina: No, darling, I don't wanna do it.

-Patsy: Come on, Ed.

-Edina: I don't want to do it.

-Patsy: Come on, Ed.

Edina: I don't want to do it!

Go on, Ed.

(EDINA SCREAMS) (DOOR OPENS) Oh, sorry, dear.

I didn't know you were in.

Oh, that's okay, Gran, come in, I'm not doing anything.

Uh, no, I don't think so, dear.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Patsy: Hmm?

Edina: Four Seasons.

Well, that's it.

-Fabulous.

-I know.

The door handles are up here, darling.

See this, you see, darling, this is how I want my kitchen.

Like that.

You see all that?

-Patsy: It's gorgeous.

-And those flowers.

Door handle.

Door handle.

Take these, darling.

Yeah, it's fabulous.

Yeah, it's fabulous.

Gorgeous, isn't it?

It's exactly right.

Got it.

-Ed?

-Huh?

Do you want me to get it for you?

Well, how, how would we get it out?

Well, I could, uh... Oh!

Uh... No, not here.

Not here.

Come on.

Patsy: (SIGHS) Good day.

Edina: Yeah.

Good day.

Now, it's off to the heliport via customer collection.

Oh!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Don't fiddle with it, Eddy.

It'll go septic.

Why did you make me do that, darling?

I just wanted to see how much it would hurt.

Oh!

I did quite well, though, didn't I?

I wasn't unconscious for long, was I?

You came around really quickly.

I was proud of you, Eddy.

-Yeah.

-Here, darling.

For the pain.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Oh.

(SIGHS) You know, New York is the only place in America I think I could live.

You wouldn't have to live there, Eddy.

You can get there and back like this in a day.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, God, who'd live in LA?

Patsy: Hmm.

-Marshall.

-Exactly.

Let's hope the next earthquake wipes 'em out altogether, darling.

Yes.

Serve them right.

Who in their right mind would go jogging on a fault line?

They deserve to die.

Pert -- and a tight butt so you can plunge down a crack in the earth with confidence.

I've got that photo so I can show Saffy the door handle.

Here's my list.

Go through my list.

"Door handle," done.

Well, congratulate yourself, Eddy.

Thank you, darling.

Oh.

(WINCES) "Lunch," done.

Patsy: Well done, sweetie.

Thank you, darling.

"Speech..." Oh, I haven't written my speech.

Congratulate yourself anyway, Eddy.

Oh.

Darling, I forgot to write my speech, sweetie.

You can start with "Dear ladles or jelly spoons."

No, they wouldn't think that was funny.

I'll just get Bubble to ring 'em up and tell them I got sick or lockjaw or something.

-Oh, Eddy.

-What?

What?

An important letter I was supposed to post.

-Huh?

It's a bit late now.

-Patsy: Yeah.

What are you doing up so late, darling?

You know.

Yeah.

Oh.

(SIGHS) Huh-huh!

Have you had people here or something, hmm?

Just a few friends and stuff.

That's great.

It's great.

Eddy, Eddy, show her the... -What?

-The... Sweetie, come and look at Mama.

Turn round.

Turn round.

Look what I did today.

Look at this.

Look at my stomach.

Ta... Ta... Ta... You can hardly see anything, darling, but when the swelling goes down, you'll be able to see it better.

(WINCES) What do you think?

It looks great.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

Good night.

(MOCKINGLY) Uh-huh.

"It looks great."

Darling, darling, we'll keep the noise down.

We'll just have this, uh... this one bottle, you know.

Saffy: It's okay, I don't care.

Sweetie, sweetie... You and I have quite a... quite a cool relationship, now, don't we, darling?

It was my birthday today, Mum.

You're joking.

No, you-you come back here.

Come back here.

Do you think you can just say something like that... Hit and run.

Come here, darling.

Now, listen...

I gave you that birthday, darling.

Have you thought about that, huh?

I mean, you wouldn't, you wouldn't have that birthday if I hadn't been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world, darling.

Huh?

Nobody's thanked me, have they?

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)