(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck... ♪ Oh, no!

Margaret's gonna be very angry.

♪ We are the Desperate Dan, appreciation... ♪ CAROLINE: Hello, is anyone up in the house?

Can I have some help, please?

♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ -Good heavens.

-Oh.

You look like something out of The Da Vinci Code.

Well, I thought it appropriate for the beating of the bounds, the blessing of the ancient stone to the parish boundary.

Such an ancient rite requires a certain... weight of costume, I feel.

I think they've only been doing it since 1962.

(LAUGHS) No.

No, no, no, it's an ancient rite.

A good excuse for a bit of a booze-up on the moor.

I'd better go and get the picnic ready.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

The Guild lays on the pasties and the beer in the middle of the day.

How lovely.

And as has been done since past times.

Whatever.

And the, um... (CLEARS THROAT) The, um... cloak?

Well, we are going up on the moor, you know.

I think it'll be a complete tick magnet.

Oh.

Really?

(BRAYING) I think you better have a couple of paracetamol as well.

Oh, yeah.

What time did you leave the pub?

Because it must have been late, because I left at 11:00.

I can't remember.

It's bad when you can't remember, isn't it?

-Yeah, what were you on?

-Cider.

Ooh.

And did you get your -- out?

Inevitably.

Hiya!

Oh, God.

-It's my new best friend.

-(GROANS) Hi.

Just thought I'd pop by for a coffee, drop in.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Didn't realize you had company.

Well, she's no company in the state she's in.

Ahh.

It's hard being on your own.

Uh... am I just a vapor now?

Well, you know, Kate, I cannot remember the last time I was on my own.

I don't seem to get a minute to myself.

No, I was talking about me.

God.

CAROLINE: Freya.

Why are you in your pajamas?

-I just got up.

-CAROLINE: Oh, God.

What you don't seem to realize is I have done everything.

And what you don't seem to realize is, I'm doing it for you.

Well, then don't.

Was Eileen gonna come and get us to pack at the picnic?

Ohh.

Eileen's taken her poor dad to the hospice.

Yeah.

Colin's taken them in the trailer.

I persuaded Susie to go with them.

I couldn't go, not feeling like this.

And Eileen gets a face on her sometimes that I just cannot take.

Well, thank God for that.

Thank God she's finally got rid of him.

-Horrible man.

-Was he?

-SAL: Yeah.

-Hmm.

But a hospice means he's going to die.

-Yeah.

-We're all going to die.

That's why we have to make the most of life.

(SLOW COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks for the coffee.

-Let's do this again sometime.

-SAL: Hmm.

-See you later.

-Bye, Kate.

-(DOOR CLOSES) -What was that about?

There goes the loneliest person in this town.

Well, except Eileen now.

Not her real dad, of course.

Who?

Eileen.

Not her real dad.

-In what way?

-She's adopted.

Don't ask me how I know it, it was in her notes.

-Did you not know?

-SAL: No.

How come you never told me?

It's confidential.

I can be trusted sometimes, you know.

Did she ever try and find her real parents?

No, she hasn't.

I can't believe I didn't tell you all this.

There was a time she could've gone down that road for medical history reasons, but she chose not to, which is odd because it's so easy nowadays.

You can look it up on the Internet.

Can you?

Not in the trailer on the way home, surely.

Well, it was very comfortable on the way up.

Dad was very happy.

Oh, I'm just being silly.

COLIN: Good trailer, isn't she, eh?

Most of what goes out of here... never comes home again.

Let's get you inside.

Watch your head.

-(ENGINE STARTS) -Colin, wait.

Okay, now go.

And drive like there's ladies on board, please.

Still, life is fatal adventure, as they say.

Yes.

But you'll be able to visit him.

Oh, yes.

And the level of care is marvelous.

-I couldn't have done it.

-No.

Ooh, I've got to stop into Moreleigh to get some udder cream.

No.

TIP: Right, here we are.

Genes United.

So you type in a name and see if any real family are looking for you, right?

So it's just for families trying to find one another.

Now, you post a message on the site, and you see if anyone's looking for you.

And that's all that we're doing, we're just seeing if anyone's looking for Eileen.

-It's not illegal.

-No, right.

Now, write her birth name.

Um, let me think, it's ingrown toenail, thrush, arthritis, sat on a light bulb.

-Oh.

-Just kidding.

Right, Brewer, B-R-E-W-E-R. Go, go, go, spinning wheel, spinning wheel, come on.

Result.

Someone is looking for her.

My God.

(EXHALES) Shall we have a look?

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Right, you write that down.

I'll get this.

-I'm bringing you a sad visitor.

-SAL: Ohh!

I was going to take her home, but I don't think she should be on her own.

-Oh, no!

-SAL: Eileen.

-I'm so sorry about your dad.

-Yeah.

-See you later.

-Yeah, bye.

-Yeah.

-Come by.

TIP: Where's Col, by the way?

-Oh, he's gone to get the tractor.

-Alright.

Hey, it was good fun last night.

-Where you there?

-Yes, I took you home.

Oh.

What time was that?

-Hmm, about 11:30.

-Was I alright?

-Hmm, quite sober.

-Hmm.

Keep that under your hat.

I have a reputation to maintain.

(CHUCKLES) Bye.

Can I get you anything, Eileen?

Oh, no, no, no, no, thank you, Sal.

I'm fine.

I'll have a cup of coffee.

Right, okay.

Did it all go alright?

Oh, you know.

As well as can be expected, thank you.

Eileen, this probably isn't a very good time, but... we know something that we shouldn't.

-Well, I'm sure you know something you shouldn't, Sal.

-(MOUTHS) No!

-You're women of the world.

-(MOUTHS) I will kill you.

Oh.

(SIGHS) I don't know how to start.

Well, come on, darling, spit it out.

Okay.

-Well-- -TASH: Mum.

Something really, like, really great has happened.

Why is Raph in his school uniform?

-For, like, school.

-It's Saturday.

I told you.

Oh, great, well, you know, how am I supposed to know?

(SIGHS) Good grief.

Mum, amazing, blow-your-mind news.

That poor child.

Yeah, my child, which is what I am just about to ask you.

What?

Come on, I'm busy.

Mum, you know, like, Rufus... like, left?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, went traveling, yes.

Anyway... he called... and he wants me to go out with the yurt.

So can you look after Raph?

What is a yurt?

Is it a goat?

No, it's, um... it's a kind of tent.

Wh-what are you saying, Tash?

You get to look after Raph while I go out with the yurt.

SAL: For how long?

Like six whole months.

Ha.

(SCOFFING) You have to be joking me.

No.

This is great news.

No.

God.

-EILEEN: Anyway, what were you saying?

-So-- ROSIE: Right, right, right, right, right.

-No, no, calm down now.

-(LABORED BREATHING) -(MUMBLES) -Calm down.

Margaret's furious.

EILEEN: Sal, can you cope with this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let her breathe.

(EXHALES) -Right.

-Rosie.

Rosie, what is it?

Come on.

What hasn't happened is I didn't forget to give the pasty man the order for the pasties, so what won't be happening is that we won't be getting any pasties today.

Did you forget to order the pasties, Rosie?

-Yeah, I did, yeah.

-Oh!

-(SHRIEKING HYSTERICALLY) -What are we going to do?

No pasties, no picnic.

Okay, so listen.

It's okay because I will go down to the services and get some pasties.

No, no, no, no, no!

My goodness me!

Thank goodness I am still in charge!

There will be no Ginsters on my watch, Sal.

We'll have to make 'em, we will make them.

Come on, ladies.

Come with me.

Now, Sal, you stay behind.

I sense you have family matters.

-Go on.

-(ROSIE WHIMPERING) SAL: (STUTTERS) Don't say anything.

I won't.

Tash!

Come in here.

(DOOR CLOSES) Right, you are not going.

-But-- -No, no, the yurt can go.

I don't care about the yurt, but you are staying.

Now, I am going to help the Guild.

I am gonna go and get changed and you can take that boy home and get him changed, and you can bring him down to the moor.

Oh... Oh!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) This is difficult, innit?

It always used to be, didn't it, one swede equals one pint, half a swede, half a pint, and then we join Europe and now on these Richter scales, I can't, I can't even read it now.

Here she comes.

-Look busy.

-We are busy.

-SUSIE: Hi, Eileen.

You alright?

-Yes, it looks lovely.

I've, I've spoken to Tim.

He'll have the meat ready as soon as.

Lovely pastry there.

EILEEN: Ooh.

(SIGHS) -Hi, Sal.

-KATE: Hi, Sal.

Alright?

-Oh, good.

-So, what about your daughter?

Oh, she's going nowhere.

Right, are we gonna be ready in time?

-Yeah.

-Hope so, hope so.

(LAUGHS) Now, ladies.

Now...

I had hoped to be a bit private about this because that's what Dad would've wanted, but... thank you for your sympathy.

I took Dad in the hospice this morning.

KATE: Aw.

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine, thank you.

Come on.

CAROLINE: Good, good, good, good.

-No, it's alright, darling.

Life goes on.

Come on.

-ROSIE: Yes.

-You went with her, didn't you?

-Yes.

-Very good of you.

-Yes, I know.

What was it like?

What, the hospicey old-people thing?

-CAROLINE: Hmm.

-Well, as they go, fine.

Why?

I was thinking, we've all got oldies, you know.

Yeah.

John's mother, really.

-Mother?

-Yes.

Well, it's been mooted she live with us, but only by her.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh.

-ALL: Ooh!

-WOMAN: Wow!

Vicar, love the cassock.

Yes, as one of the true faith, I find that quite appealing.

Well, as Verger told me this morning, apparently this is something of a chick magnet.

-ROSIE: Ooh.

-Tick magnet, I said.

-(WOMEN CHUCKLING) -What?

Tick magnet.

We're up on the moor.

(WOMEN GIGGLING) Right, well, we're all convening at 10:00.

I have a speech to prepare.

Oh, Vicar, uh... could I prevail on you please to string that out a bit so that we can get the pasties done in time?

-Oh, my dear.

-(LAUGHTER) Just leave it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

-(LAUGHTER) -Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you, yes.

Please don't spit on it.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Oh, dear.

He's gonna have chicks all over him.

(LAUGHS) (OVEN BUZZES) SAL: Are we gonna get all this done, finished and up there for lunchtime?

QUEENIE: I hope so.

KATE: I'm doing some vegetarian.

Oh, why do we have to pander?

Aw, pasties, the original happy meal.

(QUIET CHATTER) Now... Look, Caroline, ladies, I am fine, really.

Dad's happy.

Not your real dad anyway, is it?

What?

'Cause you was adopted, weren't you?

-Shush.

-Shush.

Shh!

What?

What, Rosie?

Eileen, I think it was something we all heard.

Heard?

Well, uh, true actually, but I don't know how you heard because it's nobody's business, and it's nobody's business that I have no interest whatsoever in finding out who my real parents are... before that little whisper goes round.

Well, they'll be dead by now, won't they?

TIP (SOFTLY): Oh, God.

-Shh.

Shh.

-What?

I-I think, ha, we need to press on.

They'll be setting up by now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) My mum won't let me go traveling with you and Rufus because of Raph.

It's so unfair.

I'm just not allowed.

We can't just leave him here, not if she's not gonna look after him.

-Did you tell her we were taking the yurt?

-Yeah.

-Did she mind?

-No.

Yurt can go, I can't.

It's like... madness.

Well, are we all gathered together?

-MAN: Yes.

-Good.

Well, I should like to-- Uh, good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, it's a lovely sunny day, let's go.

(HORSE WHINNIES) Right.

Now, what is going on?

Please.

Eileen.

I really am very, very sorry.

What?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CHATTER CONTINUES) Ooh.

Come along.

All this on the inter web?

We didn't really expect a result.

Nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry, Sal, but, uh, how did you find out my birth name?

I remembered it from your medical notes.

EILEEN: Hmm.

Confidential, isn't it, Sal?

Yeah, well, you know, I think we were only trying to help.

(GUFFAWS) Your adopted mum and dad, they treated you so badly.

I mean, you did everything for them and they were so ungrateful.

They were my mum and my daddy, and I love them.

How dare you?

I think that you should look to your own family before you sit in judgment on others.

Woman who can't even take in her own grandchild.

(OVEN BUZZES) Take those out, please, Susie.

Eileen, this is, um... the name of the contact and the number.

And I am truly sorry.

TIP: Leave it now.

They'll be past the, the first boundary stone by now.

We should get a move on.

I know, but they've got to go to the reservoir as well, haven't they?

Do they still do that?

-SUSIE: Rosie, those are hot.

-ROSIE: What?

-SUSIE: Hot.

-(SHRIEKS) Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

(DOG BARKING) Alright, Tash?

Go away.

Hey, Raphie.

Coming down the kennels later?

Stop it.

He doesn't wanna come down the hunt kennels, the murder kennels, murderer.

See you later, Raph.

Blood on your hands.

Bye.

Darling, come on.

You could help, you know.

You could help a little bit.

Actually, no, it's too late.

Now we gotta get the horses.

Now, where did we put the horses?

FREYA: In the trailer.

Oh.

I'll just go and get them.

Sorry.

-Is this what you're wearing?

-Yes.

'Cause you're not gonna be warm enough.

-Fine friend you are.

-I thought you told her.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You cannot be the holder of that much gossip in a room full of gossip-hungry women without some of it leaking out.

It's like osmosis.

It is propelled from me by the laws of nature.

And now I'm the bad guy.

Horrible to Tash, horrible to Eileen.

Shall I mobile-telephone someone and tell them to wait up there and not to give up hope?

I think that's a good idea.

(ENGINE STARTS) ALL: Ooh!

Right, here we all are gathered at our first historic boundary stone of ancient time, which...

Hang on.

...which I... which I will now bless.

(SIGHS) Sorry.

Um... O...

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) It's fine.

O mighty God.

-MAN: That's it, Vicar.

-Bless this-- -No, no.

-Excuse us now.

No, I'm just about to bless the... Ble...

Sorry, what, what are you doing?

It's so he'll be membered here, Vicar.

-Right, no, no, I.-- -MAN: This is your first time and all, isn't it?

-It is indeed, yes.

-MAN: (LAUGHS) Yes.

-No, no, no, no.

-MAN: Yes.

No.

No, no, no, no.

-No.

Right?

No.

-MAN: Yes.

No.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) SAL: Oh, no, stop, stop, stop.

Alright?

Up you come.

Hey.

Hi.

TIP: Right, on you go, Colin.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Are we stoppin'?

Are we stoppin' here?

Can we talk about this, Mum, please?

I'm rushing, Tash.

You could help.

Oh, go on, Sal.

Speak to your family.

Time spent is never wasted, in spite of what others may think.

-QUEENIE: No sign of them yet.

-We'll talk later.

-There's plenty of time.

-EILEEN: Mm-hmm.

-Something odd going on, is there?

-Oh, yeah.

-I'd have a beer and a walk if I was you.

-Yeah, right.

Beating the bounds, laying down the boundaries over which one should not stray.

Isn't that right, Sal?

Point taken, Eileen.

Well, they found your real mum and dad, didn't they?

-No, darling.

-Is it Richard and Judy?

-No.

-Is it the Osmonds?

-No.

-Is it the Sultan and Sultana of Brunei?

No, Rosie, darling, no, it isn't.

They have just found the number of someone who claims to be my relative, that's all.

Oh.

Oh, shame, that sounds boring.

Here, run away with one of these.

I need to talk to your mother.

-Thank you.

-No, don't worry.

It's okay.

Um, I'll just, I'll just take him with me.

Oh, he's gotta go to school, Tash.

You're his mother, now grow up.

Oh, right, so, so what would you do?

You'd just leave him, will you just ignore him?

Just like tip him down a well and let him rot?

No, no, I would look after him.

You see, that is my point exactly.

You would look after him.

Yes, but it's not my job.

No, well, I know it's not your job, but at least you're good at it.

Oh, Tash.

Below you now, Vicar.

Um...

I ca...

I can't actually see anything.

MRS. OTTERY: 'Cause of all the water.

Um, take the oars, Mrs. Ottery.

MRS. OTTERY: It's down there.

I used to live here.

Right.

Um... O, Lor... (EXCLAIMING) (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Oh!

MAN: Look, there they are.

ROSIE: They're coming now.

MAN: Is the picnic ready?

God, I'm completely boiled.

EILEEN: Come on, now.

Oh, look, there's the vicar.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) -Poor, Eileen.

-I know.

But it is very difficult, that sort of thing, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

I mean, John and I were thinking of fostering, you know, once our own children grew up.

-Oh?

-But it's just that...

I don't know.

Now the, the house is so nice, really, you don't want to, you know... -Exactly, time to yourself.

-Yeah.

SUSIE: Hmm.

Cheers.

♪ And the rain falls ♪ ♪ Down on you ♪ -♪ As I'm trying to... ♪ -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) Are you alright?

No, I am not.

I have never encountered a more pointless exercise in my life.

Are you chafing?

Quite badly, actually.

I'll see if I can rustle you up something.

Thank you.

(LAUGHTER) Very kind.

Very Christian.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) No, look, go away.

This is, like, not a good time.

Anyway, why you are bothering?

Well, uh, your friends tell me that you're off to India.

-Is that true?

-My friends would not talk to you.

Right.

You... you-you coming down the pub later?

No, I'm gonna be, uh, packing.

Right.

Excuse me.

Look, I've got boyfriends, okay?

And if I did have a boyfriend, it wouldn't be you.

Sorry.

Right.

-(GUITAR PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT SINGING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hello.

(SINGING CONTINUES) Oh, don't have that face on.

It's six months.

Don't you think Raph would miss you?

-I don't know.

-Tash.

How are you gonna get the yurt there?

I'm gonna put it on the train in laundry bags.

Wanna do the three-legged race with me?

No, I wanna do it with your mum.

(SINGING CONTINUES) ♪ I can't go on living like this... ♪ TIP: They're cheating.

They're trying to slide down.

Go.

(CHEERING) ROSIE: Use your middle leg.

Come on, keep running.

(SINGING CONTINUES) -Go!

-(ONLOOKERS CHEERING) WOMAN: Come on, go for it!

-(DOGS BARKING) -Right there.

-Go!

-(BARKING) -(SINGING CONTINUES) -Come on!

(CHEERING) (BARKING) See you later.

♪ ...love you for who you are ♪ We're all in the pub, Delilah.

Good.

Come on, Hetty.

(LAUGHING) -Tash.

-Hey.

(SIGHS) I thought you'd gone.

No, I decided not to.

I thought about what you said and...

I decided it'd be, it'd be irresponsible.

Ah.

-Is that the yurt?

-No, that's our washing.

(CRYING) The yurt went moldy.

(SNIFFLES) I put it up against the recycling.

Oh, Tash.

-Ohh.

-(CRYING CONTINUES) Are we going to live here?

Yes.

But in the house.

-Is that okay?

-Of course it is.

What's the use of me having all this space?

Come on.

Let's get in.

We can sit down and, and watch the telly, and, and we'll get a lottery ticket and... Actually, you let yourself in, I just... Something I just need to do, won't be a minute.

(CLEARS THROAT) -Hello, Kate.

-KATE: Hello.

-Aw.

-(CHUCKLES) -How are you feeling?

-I'm alright, darling.

Come in.

-Aw.

-(CHUCKLES) I'll call you back.

-Well, never rains but it pours.

-(KATE LAUGHS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) -SAL: Hello, Eileen.

-Hello, Sal.

Come to apologize.

-I'm sorry.

-EILEEN: Hmm.

Well, there's no need.

Worse things happen.

You didn't mean badly.

Go on.

-Oh.

Hi, Sal.

-Oh, hi, Kate.

Oh.

-Well, now, sit down, ladies.

-Oh, thanks.

Um, what was it you wanted, Kate?

Well, I just wanted to see how you are, and, since you're on your own now, if you wanted to go through a cruise brochure with me.

There are some lovely ones.

My favorite is the Braemar.

Oh, lovely, Kate.

Have you decided what to do, Eileen?

Oh, yes.

I've done it actually.

Now, it goes around the Scottish Isles, so not very hot, if that's a worry.

And?

No parents, both dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But I've got a family.

-Got a brother.

-A half-brother?

Whole brother, actually, Sal.

Oh, Eileen, I am so pleased.

Lucky for you.

Yes.

Do you prefer hot places?

Look, I'm not gonna go on a cruise, darling, even if I did have the money.

It's sad to go on your own.

Oh, no.

I mean, I could always come.

I mean, I have been on my own and it is lovely as well, but... Oh, Kate.

Anyway, I've gotta go and cook supper for Raph and Tash.

And now I've got nephews and nieces and birthdays to remember, I won't have a moment to myself.

(LAUGHS) -EILEEN: Thanks.

-Okay.

Now then, darling.

What are we gonna do about you, eh?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪