(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ What's going on?

DELILAH: I'm so sorry.

The seat's got stuck in the forward position.

MECHANIC: Alright, let's see if we can get you out of there.

In the forward position.

I've got some pipe cleaners here if anyone wants some.

CAROLINE: Pipe cleaners.

I love pipe cleaners.

Something rather nostalgic about pipe cleaners, don't you think?

-SUSIE: Like being back at school.

-CAROLINE: Yes.

I wonder if they really is for actually cleaning pipes.

'Course they were.

That's why they're called pipe cleaners.

Ohh.

Pipe cleaners, the clue's in the name.

Yes, but it's interesting, Queenie, isn't it, because they don't use them for that anymore.

That's because we don't smoke pipes anymore.

But things that are called descriptions of what they used to be, but they don't mean now, well, now that's a very fascinating talk.

Very fascinating.

-EILEEN: Alright, Sal?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just thought Tip might be coming down.

-Oh, she's not hot on craft.

-No, but we do miss her chatter.

Yeah.

She's probably busy.

I think they're weighing the babies today.

-ALL: Ahh.

-Hey, come on.

Come and have a go at something.

-What is that?

-Macramé.

-The art of the knot.

Have a go.

-Ah.

Ooh, no, no, no, I'm not artistic.

KATE: Oh, you don't have to be.

It's the doing it that matters, Sal, with craft.

-ROSIE: Pritt Stick.

-The maintenance of traditional skills.

The big wheel's very hot on that.

And the last thing we do is we bring them in here.

I just don't understand why.

They're a lot more accurate than the ones in the surgery.

Oh, yeah, ten first-class stamps, my dry cleaning... Oh, and the baby, pop him up there on the scales.

Great, did you get that?

Hmm.

-(Yasmeen gasps) -Rabbits, we're having a cull.

Actually, I'll let you have them for a couple of Jiffy bags, a permanent marker, and a blind eye on me car tax.

You've got to wash your hands before you go back to the surgery.

Oh, relax, they're dead.

-Have you got any hobbies, Sal?

-No, no, not really.

Never had the time.

This all seems a bit like, um... -Occupational therapy.

-Well, yes, yes.

And I could never sort out whether that was to maintain brain function or to dull it down.

Well, look at me.

There's your answer.

I mean, until I gave it a go, I thought all this was a bit of nonsense.

But then you look and you think, "Aw."

I mean, look.

This isn't just a rubbish box, this is something someone's bothered to make, and that's lovely, I think.

Yeah, that is.

That is...

It's lovely, Rosie.

-Yeah, cheers.

-SAL: It's lovely.

-Cheers -Yeah.

What are you gonna keep in it, do you think?

Hundreds of condoms.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Lovely.

-(HORN HONKS) -MECHANIC: Sorry, mate.

I'm so sorry.

(HORN HONKS) -Where were you last weekend?

-Oh, Clifton.

-You know Clifton, the hotel?

-Oh, yes, the hotel.

Yes, well, a friend of Mikey's was in a band, um, I was about to say the Murderdolls, I don't mean the Murderdolls, -I mean The Killers, um, got married.

-SUSIE: Hmm.

-Yeah?

-It was lovely, oh, lovely.

Courtney Love was there, not drinking, which was a mercy.

Tracey Emin, of course, who is a mystery to me.

We spent a lovely evening out on the terrace, you know, all wonderful until, of course... -Sting played the lute?

-No.

Trudy read a poem.

Ugh.

I'm bored with beads and shells.

Well, do you want some teasels?

No.

-Can we watch the video?

-ROSIE AND EILEEN: Ooh, yes!

What a good idea.

Fish meal and boogie boarding at Bude.

(EXCITED CHATTER) Curtains.

KATE: Right.

Use your finger.

(ALL CHEERING) (LAUGHING) We're here!

(SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING) -(INDISTINCT) -WOMAN: Wait for me!

Oh, my God!

SUSIE: Now this is walking down.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) -No.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Oh, they're good.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) -SUSIE: This is it.

-(ALL WHOOP) It's very flattering, isn't it, the wet suit?

I look much slimmer in it.

(WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER) Think I can tell I'm gonna be quite good at this.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER) Now that is just depressing.

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER CONTINUE) (LAUGHTER) TIP: Look at Delilah.

ALL: Ooh!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) -TIP: Fish and chips.

-Fish and chips, that's nice.

(CHATTER CONTINUES) TIP: Speech.

Ooh.

(LAUGHTER) I'd just like to say... -GRAHAM NORTON: Welcome... -ALL: Oh!

Tash!

-I was still... -Tash!

TASH: What?

You've taped over the video!

TASH: It was on a timer.

Oh, it doesn't really matter.

It does matter.

People are waiting to come into the bathroom.

EILEEN: Oh.

What a day it was.

-That was one for the annals, wasn't it?

-ALL: Yeah.

One of the best days I've ever had, actually.

Well, no one can say that we are not adventurous.

-(LAUGHTER) -KATE: Brilliant.

Very adventurous.

What was it, haddock, Eileen?

Eh, plaice, I think, Sal.

Sorry, sorry, I've just gotta go out.

Oh.

-I'm so sorry.

-(HORN TOOTS) Don't worry, dear, soon get you free.

(HORN BEEPS) It's always happening.

I had jammed it with an old shoe, but... -Oh!

(GRUNTS) -Ah.

There we are.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) Who, sorry?

Mary?

-TIP: Webb.

Mary Webb, is it?

-YASMEEN: I don't know.

-Take a seat, thank you.

-Well, ask her.

YASMEEN: Webb?

Yeah.

-Smear.

-Pardon?

Tell her she's booked in.

Uh, yes, you're booked in for a checkup.

Yes, a... whatsit checkup.

Smear.

Sm... Smear.

Thank you.

-With you, is it?

-YASMEEN: What?

Say the word.

I can't.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) How can you do it if you can't even say it?

Do it?

No, no, no.

No, James-- Ah, no, no.

You are the nurse.

You do them.

Uh, will you, will you take over the phones, please?

-It's just people are waiting.

-(SIGHS) The secret is to ignore them completely when they come in first.

Be totally involved in something else.

That way they don't dare say anything until you look up at them.

-Why?

-Time-honored code.

Ow.

(WOMAN COUGHING) (TIP HUMMING) (CONTINUES HUMMING) Actually, I'll deal with these.

You make a start on Mr. Whiddon's ear blockage, would you?

Tackle that.

-Mr. Whiddon, you can go through now.

-(DOOR OPENS) Oh, hiya.

Is it over, then, the meeting?

-SAL: No, no, I've escaped.

-TIP: Oh, that bad, is it?

Ooh, it's like a toddlers group.

I'm in need of adult company.

Are you coming down?

I can't, I'm busy.

I'm Ignoring the vicar.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) -Hiya.

-Oh, hi.

How are you?

-Good.

Look at my wrist, it's all-- -SAL: Ooh.

Oh, no, I can't.

I can't.

I'm not the nurse anymore.

You'll have to ask Yasmeen.

Well, we're afraid to ask her anything in case we upset her.

-(YASMEEN GULPS) -My God, it can't be that bad.

It's just the hair.

-It's just old ears, love.

-(YASMEEN GAGS) No, it's full of stuff.

Oh, give it here.

(GAGS) Oh, my God.

Jim.

(CHUCKLES) It's a wonder you can hear anything.

(LAUGHS) Jim.

Jim?

TIP: Vicar.

-Are you here for the doctor?

-Yes, I am.

What is it?

What's the problem?

I want to see the doctor.

Look, we're very busy and we don't want time wasters.

Is it a recurrence of the fistula?

Because I have your notes here.

I...

The doctor, please.

Right.

Doctor!

James!

Jimmy boy!

Jim Bob!

No, no, no.

Do you understand me?

You buzz me and you call me "doctor."

Hello, love.

-Are you ill?

-What?

Are you ill?

Because if you're not, you shouldn't be in the surgery.

I'm ill.

I'm trying to get some sense of order in this place.

I'm sorry, love.

I just wanted to check you'd got the photograph of your dad that I brought over.

Yes.

Why did God take him from us, Vicar?

One can only Imagine.

Vicar, I'm so sorry.

I'll be with you in a moment.

I'm not ill. Well, no, no, no, I am ill for the purposes of being here, um, if you get my drift.

Uh, yes, well, uh, why don't you come through for-for your... routine checkup?

Good heavens.

High blood pressure, alright?

See you, love.

Don't forget, I'm doing nothing at the moment.

-What's that smell?

-Rabbits.

-Rabbits.

-Yeah.

I bring them in for the patients.

They love them.

Really lifts their spirits.

So now we're a petting zoo as well?

-TIP: No.

-They're dead.

It is really interesting, though, because I am like poised.

I could go in many directions.

What are you doing?

What aren't I doing?

I did, I did, like, work, um, at the recycling, although that's closed now, Josh says that, like, if, if he ever sets up another one, I would have, like, definite job there.

That's like the place where they take something and smash it up and make it back to what it was, innit?

Why don't they just leave it like what it was and then wash it and fill it up?

(CHUCKLING) No, that is a very interesting and valid point.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Because sometimes the energy that it takes to do something good is more... No.

Um, the energy that it takes to do something good is bad, because it is more than what it takes, um, to do nothing.

So it's best to do nothing, then?

D...

It's complicated.

-Anyone caking?

-ALL: Yes, please.

Read out those Guild reports, Queenie.

See what they've been up to.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT) "Ramsholt Guild report.

We have enjoyed another busy and interesting year."

-Where's this?

-Uh, Ramsholt.

EILEEN: Oh, my God.

"With a varied program of speakers, demonstrations, social events, and extra activities."

-Well, that's shaggin', that is.

-Stop it, Rosie.

Yeah.

ALL: Ohh!

Will Tip make it?

She's gonna try.

No, thanks.

What I wanna do is wind farm generator monitor with circus skills.

Oh, so you're looking for a job, then?

Well, yeah, yeah, but... Well, there's plenty of jobs up at the cheese factory.

Are you interested in cheese at all?

Well, I, you know... 'Cause there's lot of vacancies like, in, um, processing, vacuum-packing, labeling.

-I think it must be fascinating.

-It is, yeah.

You gonna stay here or are you gonna get another van?

I think that once the mobile library's off the road due to government cuts, I think they're gonna offer us that.

Oh!

Oh, that's very spacious.

Would you keep all the shelves or... -Don't know.

-'Cause I could have 'em.

I shall miss the library.

We're going dogging later, if you fancy it.

-Pardon?

-Dogging, with the gang.

-Pardon?

-Dogging.

I don't think you mean "dogging."

Yes, you know, when we take all the dogs down to the river and let them swim.

(SIGHS) That's not dogging.

Isn't it?

What is dogging?

It's group sex with strangers at unknown locations, under cover of darkness.

I think.

Oh.

With strangers?

-Well, so I believe.

-Hmm.

-I think that's the kick.

-Hmm.

I think I prefer my kind of dogging.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes.

I mean, it's just a little phrase that John and I made up when we were cottaging in Norfolk.

-KATE: Oh!

-What?

-"Woman in Stackleton killed with Magimix."

-How?

Beaten over the head with it by her husband.

Oh, dear.

I wonder what happens to stuff after police have finished with it.

EILEEN: Why?

(CHUCKLES) 'Cause I need a new Magimix.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

What is a Magimix?

Rosie, I believe that you're due to do the talk today.

-Yeah.

-Well, have you prepared anything?

-Yeah!

-What is it?

House of Marbles.

-Again?

-Yeah.

(EILEEN SIGHS) -TASH: Mum?

-SAL: Yes.

TASH: Where's Raph?

He's at school.

God.

It's like I never get to see him.

Well, why don't you get up earlier?

TASH: Look, the government want us to be more responsible.

How am I ever supposed to get any quality time with him when it always has to be by their schedule?

'Cause the gov... the government, right, they get to tell me exactly what to do and then they get to tell me off when, when I, you know, when it doesn't work.

Now, Tash, please, just change the bloody record.

Ahhh.

And will you hang these up, please?

Don't just dump them on the floor like you normally do.

I do actually, uh, live here, you know.

Tash, I spend all my day trying to make this place nice.

Why?

You never used to bother.

Because, Tash, I am in it now all bloody day.

-And so am I!

-And do you know something?

I wish you bloody weren't.

Right, call the meeting to order, ladies.

Done craft, please.

Oh, but we haven't got Tip and Pauline and Delilah.

EILEEN: Just sit down, leave them to it.

TASH: Mum?

ROSIE: Oh, she's lovely, isn't she?

She's your baby, isn't she?

No, she's not a baby, Rosie.

She just acts like one.

Rosie, put her down, put her down.

Just go and get dressed.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Rosie, darling, come on now, give us this talk, please.

She's a bit upset there.

-Come on.

-She's a bit upset.

EILEEN: Rosie, it's alright, my darling.

You just start the talk and then we'll go on.

-Yeah, right.

-Just calm down, everybody.

Today's talk is House of Marbles.

CAROLINE (SOFTLY): Oh, Christ.

"At House of Marbles and Teign Valley Glass, "we have been manufacturing our unusual range "of games, toys, marbles, and glassware for many years."

There's free admission and parking... FIREMAN: You two go up and sort those cars out.

(HORNS HONKING) You boys come down here with me.

Thank you.

(CAR HORN BLARES) We're missing a patient I'm sorry I'm late, terrible traffic.

Sorry, we're very busy here today, what is it that you're here for?

Mary Webb, smear.

(YASMEEN GULPS) Will you hold on, please?

S... S... Smear.

-Come on, love, you've gotta-- -YASMEEN: Please.

-No, I...

Please.

-Uh... You-you... (SIGHS) Okay, I'll do it.

TIP: But you have others to see.

Sorry, it's just that word.

Will you take a seat?

The doctor will see you in a moment.

Oh, how are you?

You didn't come to the meeting.

I know, surgery was chaos, terrible traffic.

Well, why doesn't he call me if he's busy?

I'm here.

I'm here in the house with Tash who is driving me mad.

You're far too soft a touch.

Oh, I know, I know.

Well, just get me a job, will you, and get me out of the house at least?

I'm working on that.

So let me ask you something.

It was Joyce Midge that was James' old headmistress, wasn't it?

Joyce Midge, yeah, yeah.

He was terrified of her.

Why?

Oh.

More anon.

(CHUCKLING) Joyce Midge.

TIM WONNACOTT (on TV): ...the days in agriculture before they had balers, before they had those machines which made hay into bales... We need to talk.

Oh?

Yeah, sit up.

I am so disappointed in you.

Here we go.

What are you going to do with the rest of your life?

You need to have a purpose.

You know, I have got a plan, okay?

It's just like, you know, in my time, like, to my schedule?

Anyway, what... what's your purpose?

All you do at the moment is like, you know, hang and, and talk with those women.

Don't you turn this on me.

Don't.

You are too old, Tash, to still be drifting.

Your gap year has turned into a gap life.

Right, yeah, I think that is a bit harsh, but, right, I have, like, um, applied to Dartington... -Ohh.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) TASH: ...for the circus skills course, ...which I am almost guaranteed a place on.

Look, Tash, it is too late to start a course.

You need a job, you need to do something, you need to make money.

Yes, wait, because you do make money, because it's, like, four years and you do five skills including tightrope.

You're too old!

And, and I'm not spending any money 'cause I'm here, and then I buy a yurt and I go round the festivals... No, no, no, no, you need to have money.

And I make money.

Who's gonna pay money to watch you falling off a washing line?

Oh, right.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks very much for the confidence boost.

Anyway, I was only gonna do that if I didn't get the wind farm generator monitor... or the belly dancer.

God, stop.

Just stop it.

Stop it.

Just get real, Tash.

You are going to end up like some of these bloody old hippies around here going nowhere, no future, trying to make a living out of bending willow.

-You're pathetic!

-You sound just like Dad!

Good.

Good.

Because he loved you!

Oh, yes?

If he loved me, why did he throw me out?

-SAL: He didn't.

-He did!

He, he did it because he thought it might just be the kick up the arse you needed, but you landed on your arse and you stayed there!

Tash, I cannot always support you.

I do not have a job.

You can't always live here.

Well... you know, that's all, that's all very well... but I'm only living with you, Mum, 'cause...

I can't buy a house, can I?

Because all the bastard London-- No!

You can't buy a house because you haven't got any money.

Now, you need a job, right?

It is nothing to do with house prices!

You get a mortgage and you get on the property ladder!

So...

I have to sell out so that... so that you can live here on your own?

I've got two words for you, Mum, property and theft.

My God.

You can be one selfish little cow sometimes, Tash.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -Oh, you... you stay here.

Yes!

Oh, sorry, hi, hi.

Oh, great, great.

Yeah, yeah.

What time?

Bye.

In case, you hadn't noticed, Rufus has actually just left me, so I am actually just going through a major heartbreak.

(YELLS) And I am not?

-Get out!

Get out!

-TASH: I'm going!

-Thanks for believing in me.

-(YELLS) Get out!

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) (DOOR SLAMS) (DOGS BARKING) Alright, Tash?

You got nothing to say to me, then?

-Blood on your hands.

-That's better.

Hey, found a stray.

Raph.

He was looking at the hound puppies.

You alright?

Go away.

(SLOW GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) -Morning, Sal.

-SAL: Hi, Ben.

How's it going?

-Yeah, very good, thank you.

-SAL: Rumble okay?

Yeah, he's fine, thanks.

YASMEEN: Yes.

Um, ten o'clock on Thursday.

Yeah.

Thank you.

-Hi.

-Hello.

Um, I just brought James this better photograph of his dad.

-Ah.

-Okay, don't look now.

Behind you at two o'clock.

Yeah, no, that's my two o'clock.

No, no, don't, don't look.

Um, your half seven, um... Oh, just turn around and look.

-JAMES: Mum.

-Hi.

She just brought a better photo of your dad.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -Good Lord.

Doctor's surgery.

It's the only one I could find where he wasn't smoking.

Thank you.

So everything going smoothly?

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah.

You see?

Next patient, please.

-Joyce Midge.

-Oh.

Right.

YASMEEN: Thank you.

Thank you.

Smear.

(TELEPHONE RINGS) Hello, doctor's surgery.

JAMES: Right, uh, so, uh, when, wh-when was your last...

I do remember you, you know.

-Oh.

-You can sit down.

Th...

Thank you.

Uh, so-- I was called in to your office.

You have to speak to me.

Uh, yes.

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, yes, so, uh... wh... when, um-- Last smear, uh, two years ago.

Your mother did me.

-Right.

-JOYCE: Don't be nervous.

You probably had a crush on me at school, did you?

-Something silly.

-No!

No, no... No, no, not... Not that you're not attractive, but... Now you've got to ferret about in my you-know-what.

(LAUGHS) R...

Right.

Uh, yes, well... (CLEARS THROAT) You know, I'm-I'm-I'm a doctor, so, uh, it's-it's all...

Par for the course, to use a golfing term.

You a golfer?

No, I'm-I'm not.

Oh, never mind.

Just aim for a hole in one and it'll be over in no time at all.

(JOYCE CHUCKLES) Yes, well, I-I-I need to ask you a few questions.

JOYCE: Yes, of course.

Well, I'm postmenopausal, if that's any help.

And, right, uh, and any associated problems?

Terrible dry vag, so, uh... lube up before you go in, there's a good chap.

-(JOYCE LAUGHS) -Right.

Uh...

Right.

Uh, uh... Are-are you still, uh... (MUMBLES) ...sex... active?

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you trying to say "sexually"?

(STUTTERS) Yes, I-I did.

Are you sexually active?

Well, let's just say, you won't have to fight your way through the cobwebs.

I still try to give myself a bit of pleasure now and again.

(JOYCE CHUCKLES) Is-is that enough information or are you still curious?

-(JOYCE CHUCKLES) -I-I have to ask these questions.

Uh, so, so, if you could just go, uh, behind the screen and-and put the gown on, please, miss?

I mean, uh, Minge... -I mean, I mean Miss Minge.

-(JOYCE CHUCKLES) JOYCE: Don't be nervous, silly boy.

A trembling hand wouldn't be very professional.

Pleasant, perhaps, not professional.

(LAUGHS) Now, this gown, um, opening front or back?

-Back.

-Do you want me on my side or splayed?

Side.

(CLEARS THROAT) -(ZIPPER UNZIPS) -JOYCE: Panties on or off?

Off.

(SIGHS) JOYCE: I'm ready.

Open for business... (LAUGHS) ...as they say.

-JAMES: I can't do it.

-What, love?

Will you do it?

What's the magic word?

-JOYCE: Hello?

-Please.

I can't allow it.

I mean, she's not officially employed here anymore.

JAMES: Part time on your old wage.

Done.

I'll sort the paperwork later.

Go on, woman, a vagina awaits.

(SIGHS) JOYCE: Poor boy.

SAL: You did very well.

Now, this may be a little cold.

JOYCE: (SIGHS) Hands of experience.

SAL: Oh, it's so good to be back.

♪ Out in the field where the lark it flies ♪ ♪ Over the earth where my heart it lies ♪ ♪ Oh, how it sings where the west winds blow ♪ Just go away, okay?

Go home.

Do not cross this bridge.

♪ Oh, how I'm cold, will you let me in?

♪ ♪ If you could hear me speak, where would I begin?

♪ Just go home.

♪ Time it is past now and I roam free ♪ ♪ Is it wrong to wish you still need me?

♪ ♪ Is it wrong to wish you still need me?

♪ (FABRIC RIPS) Ow.

Ow.

-(FABRIC RIPS) -Oh.

(FABRIC RIPS) Ohh.

(EXHALES IN FRUSTRATION) (GROANS SOFTLY) Go away, I'm fine.

Alright, Tash?

What are you up to?

I'm at like... like, a crossroads, 'cause although I have got a place on the circus skills course, I have to start, like, making a living, you know, like, not like being responsible or anything, but, like... getting on the ladder or something?

(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Oh, I'm so sorry I had to be so hard on you.

So, you're going back to work, then?

Well, you know, just when they're busy.

It's great, isn't it?

Yeah.

Get you out from under my feet.

SAL: (LAUGHS) Ooh.

Hmm... -Mum?

-Yeah.

Will you explain again about the house-pricey-mortgagey thing?

Oh, Tash.

No, seriously, I want to know.

No, no, no, you... you're alright staying here.

No, I want to know.

Oh, alright, but listen, after Cash in the Attic.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪