♪♪ Stand by, two.

Mix through and cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment of ex-head of Olympic Delivery Ian Fletcher as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the shipping forecast.

Superimposed.

( beeping ) NARRATOR: A new week at the BBC's central nervous center in Central London, but already it hasn't started well for Head of Values, Ian Fletcher.

With just a mile left to cover on his journey to work, he's had a puncture in the Marylebone Road.

But the advantage of a bike that you can simply fold up and carry is that you can simply fold it up and carry it for the rest of the way.

Will?

Oh, yeah, hi, yeah, hi.

How are you?

I'm in a bit of a hurry, Actually, I'm a bit late.

Okay.

I was wondering, if you have got any time today... Yeah, sure.

... between other things... Yeah.

I had a puncture on my way in...

Okay, cool.

and I was wondering... Yeah, no worries, I'll take it to this cool bike shop I used to work in.

Right.

I know exactly where it is.

Yes, so if... You used to work in a bike shop?

Yeah, for, like, three days.

Right.

Well... Yeah, 'cause, like, if I get it mended, does that mean I could ride it back?

Yes, I mean...

Cool.

Obviously that's up to you.

Yeah, up to me, cool.

That'd be great, Will, thanks.

You can take my helmet if you want to.

Okay, cool, yeah, no worries.

Yeah, 'cause, like, you don't want to get killed.

No.

Cool.

So the other exciting news to get out there this morning... Yay.

Shut up.

...and I've talked to Siobhan about this... Oh, right?

You so have.

...and for what it's worth, I know Tony's pretty spunky about this.

Spunky?

He's totally amped.

What?

Hi.

Oh, thank God!

Sorry.

No, Captain Values, come on in.

A few transport issues this morning.

Gah, no, bad luck.

NARRATOR: With the creation of the new Directorship of Betterness at an extremely senior level, the question now is how best to announce that idea to a so far unsuspecting public.

Okay, so here's the thing with this.

Here's what it is, BBC Better is such a cool idea.

It's like a game changer, okay?

That's a no-brainer.

Brilliant.

But you want buy-in to the idea of, like, major ...

I mean, you've got to pre-sell the movie rights first.

What?

NARRATOR: But luckily for the BBC, pre-selling the movie rights to major ... is one of PR company Perfect Curve's key areas of strength.

This would be some kind of event, would it?

Some kind of event?

Yes.

Yes, 'cause what we have done in the past, which works quite well, we have used the Radio Theatre for things like this.

Excuse me?

It's convenient, obviously.

The Radio Theatre?

Yes.

We're talking, like, majorly iconic venues here.

NARRATOR: It's becoming clear that Siobhan has ambitious plans for launching the idea of BBC Better.

I mean, just to introduce a note of caution for a moment, Siobhan.

Yes, exactly, Ian.

It is a BBC sponsored event we're talking about here.

Sure.

We're a publicly funded organization.

It's not The Brit Awards.

No, it is not.

So what's your point here?

Well, we may need to be a bit careful about tone, that's all.

Yes, exactly.

We don't want to get ahead of ourselves.

Excuse me?

I just...

So where else do you want to be?

You want to be behind yourself?

Like, you cannot have said that.

Can I just say, speaking personally on this, guys, I still think the Radio Theatre has a lot of... Well, it's not... Two words you never want to hear anywhere near event management, radio and theatre.

I'm guessing you haven't actually been in there, Siobhan, 'cause... okay.

...you can actually adjust the lighting in there.

Here are some words you do want to hear in event management in like the 20th century... 21st century.

Okay, sure, whatever.

Just a detail.

Like, now, okay?

Well, exactly, yes, right.

Okay, like, "groovy" and, like, "function".

Brilliant.

Like "champagne" and, like, "reception".

Yes, very good.

"Cool" and, like, "brainy-dudes".

Like, "major" and "auditorium", like, "Laura" and "Mvula".

"Twitter" and, like, "total meltdown" okay?

Brilliant.

Now, that's an event.

Okay?

Right.

No, yes, no.

SIMON: It's too joyous.

And then Anna Rampton walks out on that stage on her own and she totally seriously kills.

Brilliant.

Bollocks.

JERRY: Go, Anna.

Yes, no, the fact is, I... yes.

Hi, Will.

Oh, yeah, hey, Izzy, yeah, cool.

You look like you're off somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.

With Ian Fletcher's bike.

Yeah, I know, yeah, pretty cool.

I'm taking it to get it mended?

Okay.

Yeah, it's got, like, a puncture.

Right, well, have fun.

Yeah, no worries, yeah, this is his helmet.

Yes, right.

Yeah, so I'll probably ride it back.

Okay, well, thanks for bringing me up to speed with all that.

Yeah, no, no worries, yeah, cool.

Yes?

So, like, where's Jack?

Oh, Jack's gone.

He's gone?

No, he's moved on.

So what, like, left?

No, with Anna's new job, he's got this new thing with her now.

With Anna.

Off in Development, yes.

Yeah, development, yeah.

Yes.

Okay, cool.

NARRATOR: Elsewhere in the building, long-serving producer Lucy Freeman has been thinking hard about her future at the BBC and has decided to make herself a cup of coffee.

Oh, David.

Hi, Lucy.

How are you today?

Yes, fine, yes.

I didn't see you there.

No, I know.

I'm just getting my slow release.

Yes, so I see.

Can I just ask you, have you lost weight?

Me?

Yes.

No, I... Have you not?

No, I don't think so, no.

Why?

I don't know.

Maybe it's just those jeans.

Honestly, you're so lucky, Lucy.

What exactly do you want, David, 'cause I'm finding this a bit... No, nothing, Lucy, I don't want anything.

Anyway, I'm not supposed to tell anyone anyway, so...

Right.

No.

Tell what?

So, I had a meeting with Anna last night, she asked to see me.

Apparently, when she first mentioned One Big Family at the interview... Oh, my God, that's such a genius title.

When she talked about it, they were like, oh, my god, we haven't even got enough boxes for that to tick.

Good, I'm very pleased for her.

I know, lovely Anna.

Anyway, she's, like, "First of all that show is going to be massive, "and you're going to exec produce it."

What, no, hang on... Me, I mean.

Oh, right.

It was like I was being enunciated or something.

Is that the right word?

No, it isn't.

Doesn't matter, it sounds right.

Yes.

And anyway, then she's like, "This is absolutely top secret.

You're not to tell anybody."

No.

"There's going to be lots of changes.

There's going to be this new job, "like, Senior Executive, Primetime Factuality."

Right.

"They're going to have to interview for it, but basically they'd like it to be you."

You mean you.

Me, yes.

Right.

Well, that's great, David, I mean, that's really great.

I know.

I'm not sure what else to say.

Couldn't believe it.

No, it is truly astonishing.

I went straight over into All Bar One afterwards and had three Flaming Volcanoes straight off.

Really?

I didn't know what else to do.

No.

♪♪ That's not centered.

No, I'm just doing it.

Yes.

You didn't like the idea of Steve Coogan?

No.

I just thought that might be, like... No, I don't want him.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Anna is acclimatizing quickly to her even more elevated role as the BBC's first ever Director of Better.

And with Lord Reith?

Yes.

'Cause apparently he was like the first ever...

Yes, no, I saw the pictures.

The fact is, he's too frightening.

Right, sure, yes.

NARRATOR : But with great power comes great responsibility, and her first task has been to launch a thorough review of the back wall of her office.

Okay, that's...

Yes, good.

Oh, yeah, great news about the Better launch.

Yes.

Like, I've never been to Pinewood, but it sounds like Siobhan's pulling out all...

Yes, exactly, yes.

So I bumped into Alice in the coffee queue.

Alice?

Alice, Tony Hall's...

Yes, Alice, yes, her.

So with the BBC Better Launch...

Yes.

...she was talking about releasing bits of your speech to the press beforehand.

B-before it.

Apparently that's, like, standard.

Mm.

Also she thought Tony would want to have a look at a draft before you finalize it.

Yes, so I...

Yes.

I said we'd send something over.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

It was fine first thing.

Obviously, anything to with Syncopatico's always a bit... Yeah.

But at some point in the morning I seem to have got all your events in my SyncopaticCal.

Yeah, no, crap.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in his new official capacity as Assistant to the Head of Values, Will is already making a big difference to Ian's working life.

In the meantime I don't know where my events have gone.

Yeah.

They've disappeared.

Yeah, no, they're all here.

What?

Yeah, no, it does that.

NARRATOR: Keen to learn, he's passed the first half of the crucial SyncopatiShare module of his BBC Syncopatico induction course with flying colors.

But until he's done the second half, he's unable to stop his new SyncopatiPad shaking hands automatically with other devices that may stray into its sights.

I know it's not your fault, Will.

Yeah.

Although now I think about it I'm not sure.

Yeah, I know, crap.

But this is just... Yeah, no, cool, like, why don't you just have mine?

What?

I'll have yours 'till, like, something happens.

Right, but...

I've only just thought of that.

Yes, I know, I can tell.

NARRATOR: But even though he's still new to some of the responsibilities of a personal assistant, Will is not afraid of having big ideas.

No, I don't think... What if this starts shaking hands with other tablets all over the place?

Yeah.

Oh, hang on, what the hell's this?

What?

You've got some of Simon Harwood's stuff.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Will, this, I can't...

I mean this is really... Cos, like, I had to go into Simon Harwood's office earlier.

I was looking for Izzy and, like, it shook hands with him too.

Yes.

And then it stopped again when I went.

Mm.

Yeah, I don't know, yeah, mental.

No.

Like, it's actually really annoying?

So this this...?

I mean, could I...?

If I wanted to, would I be able to print this out?

Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.

So I just... Yeah, no, we did SyncopatiPrint last week.

You sure about this, Will?

Like, you can print to any printer anywhere in the building no matter where you are.

'Cause I wouldn't necessarily want anyone else to... Yeah, no, cool.

Okay, done.

Cool.

Great.

Yeah, no worries.

So where's it printing?

Yeah, no, 'cause... Say again?

Which printer's it printing at?

Yeah, no, it doesn't tell you that.

It doesn't tell you?

Like, it could be any printer anywhere in the building.

Right.

Yeah, no, it's pretty cool.

Yes.

♪♪ Sorry, Anna.

Jack.

Lucy's here if you're ready.

Yes, no, she can come in.

Here she is.

Right, yes.

Hi, Anna.

Yes, you can sit down.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lucy Freeman has made a big decision and has come to have a conversation with new Director of Better, Anna Rampton, no matter how difficult that's going to be.

So, you're probably wondering why I wanted to see you.

Yes, I mean, well, it was me that asked to see you, actually.

Okay, well... Oh, congratulations, by the way.

Yes.

Very exciting.

Yes, exactly, yes, thank you.

Yes, no, I thought I'd better come and see you, really, now, before things, 'cause I know you were keen for me to help David with... NARRATOR: Anna has asked her to work alongside David Wilkes on One Big Family, but Lucy has decided that it might be a better idea for her to leave the BBC instead.

I've been doing some thinking, quite a lot of thinking, actually, and what I've...

It's a big thing, but I've...

Okay, no.

Sorry, Anna, I haven't... No, that's not what I want to talk to you about.

No.

No, I wanted to talk to you.

But the fact remains it's not what I want to talk about.

The fact is, I wanted to ask you something.

Yes, but...

I don't know how much you know about the idea behind BBC Better.

Right, well...

I mean, I'm aware of it, obviously.

I've heard about it, but beyond that I'm not really... No.

One of the things I'm passionate about is the idea of inclusivity as a core value right across the BBC.

Right.

Yes.

You may know that already.

No, I didn't.

As you say, it's very exciting.

Well, I mean that's...

I'm committed to the idea of creating a new Head of Inclusivity.

Right, are you?

And I wanted to ask you how you'd feel about applying for that post.

Me?

Yes exactly, yes.

Right.

Yes.

Take your time.

( printers whirring ) NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Ian is one of many people in New Broadcasting House who have been brought closer together by the BBC's cutting edge new SyncopatiPrint technology.

( cell phone buzzing ) Neil, hi.

Right... when?

IAN: We're talking live here.

SIMON: Yes, no, I know.

NEIL: Yeah, live, yeah.

No, brilliant, Neil, let's do the show right here.

NARRATOR: Media reaction to the announcement of Newsnight anchor Evan Davis's forthcoming role in Strictly Come Dancing has been both extensive and universally negative.

And with the BBC's unparalleled reputation for impartiality to maintain, it's crucial that coverage of the story on its own news channels is more negative than anyone else's.

Do we really have to do this?

Yeah, we do, yeah.

I know.

Welcome to my world.

NARRATOR: With that in mind, Ian has been put forward to be interviewed about the issue live on tonight's six o'clock news bulletin.

I'll do this if absolutely no-one else will.

Brilliant.

But really I have to say, I'm not really sure why me.

You guys know how you want to play this, but people like the idea of the BBC having values.

Yeah, bollocks, Simon.

Brilliant.

Also, like Tony says, if you sign Ronaldo, you don't leave him on the bench, you get him on the pitch.

Right.

Yeah, plus no-one else will do it.

No.

Yes, no, brilliant, guys.

Brilliant, brilliant.

NARRATOR : With the decision made, for Ian, by far the most significant aspect of being on the six o'clock news is that it's now nine minutes to six.

Oh, Ian, yes, hi.

Anna, hi.

I wanted to talk to you.

I'm actually just on way down...

I'm going to say something about Values at the Better Launch.

Okay, great.

As I say, I'm just...

The fact is, it's important.

Yes, no, fine by me, Anna, we should talk about it.

Yes, exactly.

This is live, so...

I need to know what you had in mind.

What?

What I had in mind?

Yes.

You're Head of Values.

Anna, I can't really...

Okay, fine.

If you want to e-mail something to Jack by tomorrow, I'll see what I can do.

Right.

Yes.

Anna, I've really got to go.

Yes, okay, good.

NARRATOR: By six o'clock, it's time for the six o'clock news.

The BBC is facing mounting criticism tonight after it announced that Evan Davis, the presenter of Newsnight, is to appear as a contestant in the next series of the BBC One entertainment show, Strictly Come Dancing.

Ian, hi.

Hi.

Ben.

Yes, hello, yes.

Thanks very much for doing this.

No, it's my pleasure.

Are you warm enough?

Yes, no... We've got another coat here... No, I'm fine, thanks.

90 seconds tops, so it should be pretty straightforward.

Yes, good.

Great.

Our Media Correspondent, Benedict Cartwright is outside New Broadcasting House for us now.

Ben, this is news that the BBC could presumably do without right now?

Sophie, it is, Sophie, yes.

The issues for the BBC around this are many and complex of course, but the main area of controversy seems to be around whether the presenter of the its most high profile current affairs program has any business appearing in what's often described as a famously naff, if popular, light entertainment show, and if so... NARRATOR: If a live interview is an unexpected challenge for Ian, for newly-promoted Will Humphries, it's a chance to become personal assistant to someone on television.

With me now is Ian Fletcher, the BBC's so-called Head of Values, whose job it is, one imagines anyway, to keep a watching brief on standards right across this vast, sprawling, and some might say deeply troubled organization.

Yes, hello.

Ian Fletcher, this is a bit of an own goal for you, isn't it?

Well, no... Another example of both you and the BBC being, frankly, a bit useless.

That's not something I can accept, Ben, and it's not a picture of the BBC I recognize.

BENEDICT: With the greatest respect though, why on earth should we trust someone like you on this, or indeed on anything at all?

No, at the heart of this is something very important, it's a fact that nobody over the age of 40 or above the weight of 17-and-a-half stone has ever won Strictly Come Dancing.

And at a time when body stereotyping is such a big issue for so many people, we think that's something worth reporting on.

We're not going to apologize for that.

Well, Ian Fletcher, thank you.

Well Sophie, there you have it, there we have the official view, the view, if you like, from within the highly secretive, some might say frankly incomprehensible building behind me.

Whether anyone will believe a single word of it is a different matter, of course.

Something the coming days and weeks will no doubt tell us.

Sophie.

Ben, thank you.

And you can see more on that story in a special report on Newsnight with Evan Davis at 10:30 on BBC Two tonight.

Thanks, Ian, that was great.

Yes, thanks.

♪♪ Hey.

Hi.

How's it going?

Good, yes, great.

Good.

How's it going with you?

Oh, you know.

Pretty busy, really.

Yes.

You know we're doing this BBC Better launch at Pinewood?

Yes, I know.

Looks like I'm basically going to end up writing Anna's speech for her, so...

Right, yes.

...kind of interesting thing to do.

ELEVATOR: Ground floor.

Yes, mm.

Doors opening.

No, 'cause it did occur to me... What did?

So, Anna wants Lucy Freeman to do like this Head of Inclusivity thing.

Head of Inclusivity?

Yeah.

I didn't even know there was...

There is now, or going to be, keep up.

She's desperate to announce it at the Better launch.

Right.

So?

It occurred to me, if Lucy does it, there will probably be a development role in entertainment to fill.

Okay, I don't need your bloody help Jack, okay?

Right okay, Christ.

Thank you.

Cool, whatever.

I'm quite capable of running my own life, thank you.

I won't mention anything to Anna or anyone.

Please don't.

I won't.

Yes.

No, any time.

Thank you.

Great.

( scribbling ) Hi, Lucy.

Hi.

Are you busy?

No, come on in.

Actually, I'm just on my way out I think, however you want take that.

Have you got time for a quick drink?

A drink?

It doesn't matter if not.

It's like it's all so, I went in there to say I was leaving.

I actually couldn't believe it.

No.

Like she thought I was just going to decide.

Well... ... like she wanted me to say yes there and then.

Next thing you know she'll ask for 200 words on inclusivity for her speech at this... She did, yes.

Right, did she really?

Yes, whether I wanted it or not.

Right, well, I mean, Anna's not stupid.

Isn't she?

I can't tell.

One thing about people like Anna is they're brilliant at surrounding themselves with good people, and I suspect she knows you're good, so it's a question of what you want to do about that.

The truth is, the ridiculous thing, I don't really know what inclusivity actually is.

No.

Well, this would be a hell of a way of finding out.

♪♪ NARRATOR: Another day at New Broadcasting House, and after all the controversy, Newsnight anchor Evan Davis is discovering that the transition from Current Affairs to Light Entertainment might not be quite as seamless as he thought.

SIMON: Okay, this is kind of where we are at the moment.

I mean, it's not bad but I mean frankly, I mean, you will know more about how you want to see this than I do, but, is it just me or is it just a bit...

Yes.

...a bit tired, a bit top-down, all a bit, I don't know, a bit...

Yes.

Sure.

...a bit last year, you know?

No, sure.

Yes, exactly, yes.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, inside, Director of Strategic Governance, Simon Harwood, has convened an open meeting to introduce the idea of a new and better BBC senior management structure to an audience of those who don't already know about it.

Listen, you guys will know how you want to see this but the thinking is if this isn't who we are, then who are we?

What?

Don't know, God knows.

Give up.

Yes, no, brilliant.

Brilliant, Neil.

NARRATOR: With so much change afoot, Simon has been working hard behind the scenes to ensure that the outcome is as strategic as it possibly can be for everyone around him.

'Cause it did occur to me, not being stupid or anything but I am going to ask this, what's happening with the Head of Output now?

Yes, no brilliant.

If Anna's Director of Better?

Brilliant.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Is it?

Yes, no, good question, Tracey.

Yes.

No, listen, I guess we'll have to wait and see how all that pans out.

Right.

Hey, don't look at me.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Brilliant.

All hail.

Shut up.

Fine.

Sorry, am I too late, guys?

No.

Lovely.

No, if you're sure you can be bothered with this.

Oh, no, I just thought while I'm tackling my crayfish and quinoa... ...sake.

Brilliant.

All righty.

So that's the bad old days.

So, everyone, get an eyeful of this.

Yes?

Yes?

Yep.

IAN: Right.

TRACEY: Oh, right.

NEIL: Great.

SIMON: Anyone spot the difference?

No, sure.

Yeah, this one doesn't make sense.

NARRATOR: As well as being conceived horizontally rather than vertically, the new senior management structure puts the new director of Better very much at the center of things, freeing up other posts around it to play radically more independent roles.

... of course, this whole sort of top down thing, gone.

Yes.

At a stroke.

No, sure.

Hurrah.

And if there's one thing we know about Tony, it's just how much of a lateral kind of a guy he is.

Yes.

Yeah, no, sure.

Yes.

Although, at the risk of upsetting anyone's sense of balance, Simon, if you turn this on its side, it's almost exactly the same as it was when it was top down.

Really?

I've got to say I thought that too.

Really?

Genius.

Yeah.

I mean, I know how hard you've worked on this, Simon... Oh, now, pish.

...together with Ben and Jerry... Tish.

Tosh.

...and I know for a fact how grateful Tony is too.

Right.

But when we finally sat down to go through it all, we did end up wondering whether there might not be a way of reimagining this whole thing altogether.

Brilliant.

Yes, 'cause I'm not being funny or anything, Ian, but I've got to say, speaking personally, I am struggling with this.

I mean, I don't know if you want to look at this now, Simon, or if... Oh, yes, no, of course, brilliant, yes.

No.

'Cause, for my sins, I said I'd have a go at it and this is just one that he did seem to be quite keen on.

Do you want...?

No, it's fine, actually Will's just done his SyncopatiPoint module, and he set this thing up for me.

You can unplug all your leads.

So...

Okay.

Blimey.

Oh, right, no, hang on that's...

Right, okay.

DAVID: Oh, my God.

ANNA: Okay, no.

IAN: So we ended up calling this one the Creative Network Model, but you could call it whatever you like.

So, what?

This would be more of a circle, Ian, would it?

Well, for what it's worth, what Tony liked about this is the idea of everyone feeding in equally around a common purpose.

No, I'm sorry.

Guys, I've got to say, I prefer this.

IAN: Ideas fizzing in all directions, into the center, out again, around a sort of creative hub.

Brilliant.

It reminds me of Television Centre before we knocked it down or whatever we've done now.

Yes, I mean, it's interesting, isn't it?

His thing was, and I hadn't really thought about this, but, in a way, it does feel more like a BBC sort of thing somehow and, maybe, it just might be more liberating for all of us.

No, brilliant, Ian.

Genius.

Yeah, no, sure.

NEIL: Yeah, it's bloody brilliant.

♪♪ NARRATOR: Meanwhile, it's a number of weeks later and the concept of BBC Better is finally launching itself at the majorly iconic venue of Britain's Pinewood Studios, home of Pinewood Studios.

No, back.

No, go back.

NARRATOR: This is a big night for the BBC, and in the famous John Barry screening room, every last detail has got to be checked with nothing left to chance.

So we've got Janet StreetPorter next to Justin Welby.

Sure.

Is that right?

No, sure.

No, back, further back.

Janet loves the Kaiser Chiefs.

Justin Welby's the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Sure.

Yes, so is that right?

No, sure, so you've got all the big enchiladas right here in the front row.

Right, okay, fine.

Jack.

Yep.

This is wrong, I don't recognize this.

What?

No, sure.

ANNA: This is not what I wrote.

JACK: No.

Is it?

No.

No, it's not.

Okay, so we should maybe talk about this.

This is... Where's all this crap come from?

SIOBHAN: No, sure, we just... tweaked it a bit.

Okay, no.

You tweaked it?

I don't want this.

Like, punched it up a little.

The... okay, I'm sorry, no.

You punched it up?

Sure.

I don't want it.

Hang on, what else have you done to it?

Excuse me?

I don't want this.

How many other changes are there?

No, sure, okay.

Like, we just went through it, that's all.

No.

I've been...

I don't want this.

We've been working on this speech for, like, weeks.

Okay, and now you've finally got something, okay?

What?

You are so going to kill here, girl.

Not... No, I don't want this.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

( chatter ) NARRATOR: Meanwhile, outside the screening room, the great and the good are gathering in force, ready and waiting to have their opinions formed.

For Lucy Freeman, this is a chance to try to get used to the idea of being the BBC's new head of Inclusivity, whilst for Tracey Pritchard, it's a chance to meet TV's go to classical talking woman, Professor Mary Beard, in the flesh.

I'm not a classical scholar or anything, obviously, although I have actually been to Greece a number of times, but, speaking personally as a woman, I've got to say this, I am a big admirer of your work.

Because before you, I mean, let's be honest about this, it was all either men or Simon Schama.

Brilliant.

Right, well... 'Cause the way I see it, not being funny or anything but, the truth is, we can't all be Lucy Worsley, can we?

IAN: Yes, would you...?

DAVID: Lovely Lucy.

Can I get you another...?

Izzy.

Very sorry to interrupt.

No, that's fine.

It's just, er, well, Anna has locked herself in the toilet.

Oh, no.

All right, okay.

In the toilet?

Oh.

Yes, and she won't come out.

Right, okay.

Oh, bloody great.

I think, to begin with, she went in there for a moment.

Right.

Just to have a bit of a think.

Yes.

But now's she dropped her contact lens down the sink and she's refusing to come out.

Alright.

Oh, my God.

What the hell I'm supposed to do about this, God knows.

I had to tell someone.

Great.

You're really good at this stuff, Ian.

Yes.

Yes, you are, Ian, yes.

What?

Talking Anna Rampton out of toilets?

Anyway, I didn't know what else to do.

Plus we can make the Autocue, like, really big.

NARRATOR: In the context of the launch of BBC Better and with the audience ready to go in, it's clearly not such a great thing that the new director of Better has locked herself in the toilet.

Anna?

( knocking ) Yes, hello, Anna?

We're all here now, Ian's here, it's lovely out here.

Look, just say something, you stupid bitch.

Okay, could everyone shut up a minute?

This isn't helping.

I know what's happened.

She has her glasses, she has them wherever she goes, but she won't ever wear them, you know...

Right.

No.

Especially not at this.

No, she won't.

No.

No, sure, I totally get that.

I know, nightmare.

I'm like, "Duh."

You've tried everything else?

Trust me, I know her, she is never coming out of there now.

Right, okay, well... Good luck.

Yes, thanks.

Anna, it's Ian.

Just to say, if you need anything, if there's anything I can help you with... 'Cause I'm not sure quite what I mean by this but I'm sure it's all basically okay.

( door unlocking ) Right.

Okay.

Hi.

How are you?

The fact is, I can't do this.

Well, I'm sure you can.

No one knows about this in there, by the way.

They're all fine with their wine and olive thingies, you know, is it tapenade?

Anyway, they're perfectly happy braying at each other about God knows what, so it's all... We've got time, you can just... You know, if you want to talk or just catch your breath, it's fine.

'Cause I think they're basically across the Autocue thing now so... As far as I can gather, anyway.

I mean, the other thing to say and I probably shouldn't say this, so don't take it the wrong way, I mean, here we are, we all get very...

But in the end, in the big scheme of things, none of this really matters that much.

I mean, not really, does it?

I don't mean...

I just...

I sometimes find that helps.

Helps me, anyway, when...

Yes, so...

The other thing and for God's sake, don't take this the wrong way either, is, as far as the whole glasses thing goes, I have to say, I mean, they certainly do it for me.

But, as I say, that's not... Ah, right.

( clears throat ) Sorry, lip gloss, otherwise I'd do it properly.

Right.

Yes.

Right.

Right, good, okay.

♪♪