[gentle music plays] Someone’s gonna have to tell the Witchfinder General he’s gonna need a new right-hand man.

Borrow a couple of horses, off we go.

We should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark.

Argh!

Rely on oneself, pull up the drawbridge.

-What was her name?

-Something like Dorothy.

So, Dorothy then?

If you want to, you could help me find my master.

We’d be happy to.

[Gideon] Some people warned me not to come through here.

I have children, please!

[Gideon] They’re maniacs, all of them.

I’m no good to you dead, am I?

You stay here, you’ll be cinders in an hour.

-You going somewhere, Mr. Bannister?

-Do you know this woman?

-This is, um... -His wife.

-Well, congratulations!

-Thank you, Pal, thank you.

Well, let’s see it then!

See?

See what?

-[Mrs. Jennings] The ring?

-Oh, you mean the wedding ring.

Yes, just trying to think what we did with it.

Um... -we don’t actually have-- -Oh, here we go.

-There it is look.

-[woman] Oh.

Yeah, it’s a family heirloom.

His grandmother gave it to us after she died.

Well, not after she died, she couldn't.

-She was dead.

-But she did say that she was gonna give it to us, -then she died... -Sadly.

...then we got it off her.

Just with a bit of soap.

And some hot water, yeah.

-It's beautiful.

-[Gideon] Sure is, yeah.

It looks a bit like yours, Catherine?

It does.

But mine’s a bit more... Oh!

Oh, I must have left it in the... You really should wear your wedding ring, Catherine.

Marriage is a sacrament.

Yes, sorry.

We gotta get off.

We had, we had.

In the middle of the feast?

[Gideon] Um, Chelmsford awaits.

-I thought you wanted to borrow a horse and cart?

-Nah, you're alright.

We'll walk.

Come on.

Come on.

-[Mrs. Jennings] Chelmsford?

-[Gideon] Oh God.

You need to go right through Dedham Vale, not back that way.

But don’t worry, there may be many villages in the Vale, but they’re all God-fearing people, like us.

You can be sure of a warm welcome.

[tense music playing] -Thank you.

-Thank you.

[Gideon] Just um, trickle through.

There’s no need to be rude.

I’m just asking you which way he went.

Yeah, and I’m telling you-- It’s none of our beeswax.

[man] Exactly.

One beekeeper doesn’t sell out another.

Master Gideon’s not a beekeeper.

He can’t stand the little-- Alice?

Could you fetch my coin purse from the cart?

I might purchase some honey.

These yellow and black ones, what are they called?

Bees.

-You must be fond of them.

-I am fond of them, yeah.

-And they of you?

-I like to think so, yeah.

They wouldn’t hurt you at all?

No, the bee’s a very placid animal.

-Much like Cumberlidge.

-Unless provoked.

Also, like Cumberlidge.

Which hand do you write with?

-Which hand...?

-Do you write with?

-I’m sorry?

-Don’t be, just answer the question.

Would you like me to repeat the question?

I can repeat the question.

Which hand do you write with?

Which hand do you favor?

What’s your dexterous hand?

Are you right or left handed?

Well, I’m right-handed but-- Oh, no!

Please!

No, no!

No, please, argh!

-[bees buzz] -Argh!

[Gideon] Walk and smile.

Smile and walk.

We’re just two normal newlyweds walking along normally.

Well, start acting like it then.

[Gideon] Just because you like the idea -of our being married-- -[Thomasine scoffs] -I don’t like it.

-Oh, I think we all know the kind of warped fantasies women like you forge in the fleshy kiln of their loins.

Oh God, there’s one.

Maybe it’s easier if we just say that I am a traveling merchant -and you’re my bag carrier.

-I'm not your bag carrier.

I’ll say you’re my bag carrier.

I’ll say you’re my bag carrier.

Why would I be your bag carrier?

Why would I be your bag carrier?

And what merchant?

What are you selling?

Trade mainly in spices.

-Where are they?

-Well, there not on me.

I have an emporium.

-What are they?

-The spices?

-Salt.

-Salt’s not a spice.

-What is it then?

A drink?

-Spices grow, salt does not grow.

Alright then privet.

You grow privet.

Privet’s not a spice.

That’s a hedge.

-A hedge can be a spice.

-No, it can't.

-Hedges can be spices.

-A hedge is a hedge is a hedge.

-Do you want to survive?

-Yes, I do.

Then we need to get our story together and fast.

Now what are we?

Are we married or are we merchants?

I don’t see why we have to come up with a story.

They’re not gonna think I’m a witch just cause I’m with a man and I’m not married-- These people are demented.

There are eight miles and God knows how many villages until we’re out of Dedham Vale.

We need to paint a picture for them or they will paint their own.

And if they start to wonder, we don’t know where that will end.

-[woman] Hello, there!

-Hello, hello.

Oh God, they’re coming.

We need to know enough about each other to suggest that we are a couple rather than two strangers who’ve only just met.

Are you listening?

I wasn’t but I am now.

My name is Gideon Bannister, I was born in Framlingham to George and Mary.

I have no siblings, never wanted any.

I was schooled at Marlsford and then at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge.

-That’s a lot of cuh’s.

-I enjoy birdsong, scripture and good tailoring.

I am kind.

We wed at St. Stephen’s Chapel, Wickham Market.

We hope to have two children, both of them boys.

Now you.

-My name is Thomasine Gooch.

-Bannister, Bannister-- Thomasine Bannister.

My mum and dad are Will and Eliza, not that way round.

I have a brother, but he died and a fiancé that ran off.

I used to have a dog, but he fell in a hole.

So we just heard him barking for days and we’d throw food down but when we went back one day you couldn’t hear any barking so we think he either died or he climbed out.

I think that he climbed out but my mum said that dog’s don’t climb because they have their knees on backwards like cows.

-Why're you telling me this?

Who needs to know this!?

-Hello!

-Good day to you!

-I'm sorry to shout you over.

But I just had to say hello to the newlyweds.

[chuckles] Word travels fast!

All part of the Dedham Vale welcome.

-And on that note-- -So, how was it, the big day?

-It was lovely.

-Lovely, mm-hmm.

-His parents George and Mary were there.

-George and Mary, mm-hmm.

And her mother Eliza was looking... -Down from heaven.

-...quite radiant.

She's in heaven?

So how was she looking radiant?

She was... I’ll tell you what it was.

I’m thinking of the organist.

Who was looking radiant.

-And was maybe a woman in her mid-sixties.

-Uh-huh.

And she was there.

Her mother meanwhile was, yep, not there for the perfectly reasonable excuse of her... Death.

So, you didn’t know that your wife’s mother was dead?

-Give us a chance!

We only just got married.

-Yesterday.

Then it’s time for celebration.

No.

No.

No, it's not.

For luck, ivy, that they may grow intertwined as it does.

-Well, that’s lovely.

Now-- -And the spilt seed of a ram.

Pardon me, the spilt seed...?

-Semen.

-Semen.

That they may grow fertile.

Very kind of you.

-And of the ram.

-And of the ram.

Oh, believe me, he likes it.

[Myers] You have a way with people, don’t you, Mr. Hebble?

I can’t thank you enough for your help.

You’ve made an old woman feel very special.

Well, when you see her, tell her she’s welcome.

I’m the old woman.

[laughs] Oh!

I see what you did there.

You are most kind.

Well, I’ve often prayed for a sign or for a helping hand from the Lord.

And that’s why he sent you.

An angel from above.

Because he does do that, does the Lord.

Look at how he sent a great flood so Noah could show off his new boat.

Look at how when Moses was stranded by the Red Sea, the Lord made a path so he could walk right through it.

And if a path isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

Nor do I, Alice.

Nor do I.

[mysterious music playing] Nooses.

You make these yourself, do you?

She’s making it in front of you.

Always good to have a hobby.

We need to get out of here.

-Why don’t you just-- -Look at you two.

Couple of lovebirds!

[laughs] Well, a couple of lovebirds who must fly, I’m afraid.

Not often you see a married couple show so much affection.

-How d’you mean?

-Well, there’s barely a crossed word between you.

-It’s almost hard to believe!

-Hard to believe?

Why’s it hard to believe?

Not like any married couple I know!

Oh, believe me, we sometimes make our feelings clear, don’t we?

So, for example, I will say, why do you always speak with your mouth full!

And I might say why d’you have to look down on people.

-Why can’t you just be kind?

-And I might say, kindness has to be earned.

You can be quite ill-mannered.

And I might say, you might have manners but it’s what’s behind the manners, isn’t it.

And I might say, ooh, wee, I must hear this, what’s behind my manners?

You're mean, you’re inconsiderate, you’re dishonest, you're vain-- -And I’d say, have you quite finished?

-You don't listen, you tut, you snore, you roll your eyes at things... -And I say, now have you finished?

-Got no honor even though it seems to be the only thing that you care about, you’re short tempered, you’re a hypocrite and you’re not nice.

Now have you finished?

Yeah, I’ve finished now, yeah.

Think, Alice.

Could this be your master’s?

Well, Master Gideon says it doesn’t do for Puritans to indulge in the pleasures of the ear.

But we all like music, don’t we?

I... might sing occasionally.

You sing beautifully.

Like a tropical songbird.

A parrot, say.

And Cumberlidge knows, I love a song as well.

-Do you?

-A jaunty jig song, a moving ballad.

I love a song.

So, if there’s no harm in your master enjoying music, could this be his whistle?

I think it is.

Then he came through here.

We’ll catch him in no time.

-Catch?

-Catch, catch up.

Oh.

[Bryony] Is it as blessed as they say?

-The wedding?

-The night of the wedding.

Oh, the night of the wedding we traveled here.

Then how did you consummate?

We haven’t had a chance to do that yet but it’s on our list.

Sorry.

I thought people said you were married.

We are married, but we just haven’t had a...

The sacrament isn’t complete.

You are his wife?

[Mrs. Jennings] Mr. Bannister?

Yes.

He came through, ooh, what, -a few hours ago now.

-Excellent.

I am pleased.

-Him and his wife.

-His wife?

He’s not got a wife.

Oh, yes, he has now.

Just married apparently!

Master Gideon?

That was his wife, wasn’t it?

Oh, yes, yes.

They had a ring and everything.

Happy day!

Would you mind pointing us in the direction they headed?

We’d love to coat them with our best wishes.

Certainly.

Uh, this way.

I think you left a witch on that.

I don’t think it’s true.

Them being wed. Oh!

True, not true.

Whichever.

I...

I mean it’s probably just a ruse, you know, to stop these lot from snatching her.

It’s no concern of mine if he was married.

He’s just my employer.

Yeah, I know.

It’s just, some help have a special bond with their master.

I don’t have a special bond with my master.

You might have a special bond with-- I don’t have, I don’t have a special bond with my master, no.

I mean you see some help, they’re all over their masters like -A nappy rash.

-spilled soup.

Pathetic.

Bit desperate.

-I mean, I don’t even know my master’s birthday.

-I don’t.

I don’t.

June-uary?

Pffft.

Yeah, or how he likes his bath.

When my master had ticks, I laughed.

I would.

I’d laugh.

I mean, I’m laughing right now.

I removed them all, but I was laughing.

Why did you tell them that?

Well, I didn’t know they had the room ready, did I?

This is unbelievable.

I was supposed to be in Chelmsford a day ago.

[Thomasine] Calm down.

Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself.

I’d have said something like "I don’t know about finding witches, you’ve certainly found yourself a good chef here."

And he would have laughed and said, "Yeah, good one."

You’re making such a fuss about nothing.

They think we are having congress in here.

We’re bloody stuck, madam.

In these four thin walls with half the village listening in.

Why don’t you just say we’ve changed our mind actually.

D’you wanna take that chance?

There are trees out there with bodies dangling from them.

We ought to begin.

[kissing noises] What's that?

Kissing.

Urgh!

Urgh!

Urgh!

Urgh!

-Urgh!

-Have you ever been with a woman?

Have I ever been with a woman, she asks.

Urgh!

-Have you ever been with-- -I am a Puritan and I am unmarried.

No, I haven’t ever been with a bloody woman.

Urgh!

Urgh!

And you need to be making appreciative noises in between the grunts.

-Urgh!

-Aah!

-Urgh!

-Aah!

-Urgh!

-Aah!

What is that?!

You sound like a violin.

-Urgh!

-You sound like someone trying to...a violin.

-[Thomasine laughs] -[chuckles] -Aah!

Aah!

-Urgh!

Urgh!

-Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

-Urgh!

Urgh!

Urgh!

-Aaaah!

Uh!

-Urgh!

[cheers and applause] [Gideon] Huh!

Maybe we should do that in every village.

[Thomasine] Take a room and grunt at each other?

[Gideon] Express our fondness publicly.

-[Thomasine] Then I thought you could tickle me.

-[Gideon] Yes.

[Gideon] And then you can nuzzle into me and I’ll make a cute noise.

-[Thomasine] Cute noise?

-Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang, nang.

[Gideon] We’re flying here.

I feel like Icarus.

-[Thomasine] Anyone would think you were enjoying yourself.

-[Gideon] I am... ...very, very fond of this lady.

Follow the river, get past these trees.

Get through the last few villages and we’re out of Dedham Vale.

The important thing is not to get cocky.

[man] So we tend to do the hanging in the morning and then in the afternoon we have a market.

Y’know, make a day of it for the family.

[Gideon] Sounds lovely.

So you two married then?

Married?

No.

Thomasine is a witch and we’re hoping no one notices.

[laughs] I say that to my missus all the time.

Just that I wouldn’t have put you two together, that’s all.

Mmm, I wouldn’t have put you together with that hat.

But, you know, -you have.

-So, when did you get together?

-Feels like only yesterday.

-We've had our trials and tribulations.

-Let’s put it that way.

-Mainly trials though, to be honest.

But when a whole town wants you to stand beside a woman and tie the knot... -[chuckles] -...what can you do?

Almost, uh, took my breath away.

Well, knots will do that.

But I didn’t leave her hanging, and so here we are!

-Sorry?

-[Gideon] Oh, don't be, John.

Don't be.

Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister.

-Do you know what, Thomasine Bannister?

-Mmm?

When I’m not with you, I think of your face and it makes my heart swell.

Gideon?

-[Dorothy laughs] -Dorothy!

What are you doing here?

Me I’m, um... I’m heading to Chelmsford!

Why are you here?

What the hell are you even doing here?

I, I live here.

With my husband, Rex.

That’s so, so great!

-Are you going to introduce us?

-Yes.

Yes, I am.

Thomasine, this is Dorothy, my former betrothed.

Dorothy, this is -Thomasine.

My... -Wife.

-Wife.

-Oh, you found someone!

Chose someone, yeah.

Oh, you must stay for lunch!

I’ll have the carriage come round.

Simon!

-I actually... No, we can’t do that.

-Lovely.

-Nonsense.

Simon!

-We can’t, we wouldn’t want to impose.

-You wouldn’t be imposing.

-We would, so we won't.

But I want to find out a little bit more about Thomasine.

Where you are you from?

Who is your father?

I’ve said we can’t come.

Myriam is preparing a saddle of lamb.

-Ooh!

-It’s not going to happen, Dorothy!

-Perhaps another time then.

-Maybe.

-Mmm.

-Mm-hmm.

-Thomasine.

-Dorothy.

[gasps] My goodness, your apples are as rosy, red as your cheeks.

I always think rosy cheeks are a sign of a keen mind.

Or mead for breakfast.

[laughs] [Hebble] A mind keen enough to remember if you’d seen someone.

Now I’m looking for-- Alice?

[Cumberlidge singing] ♪ Grows the lily-o Right among the bushes-o ♪ ♪ If your true love Came passing by ♪ ♪ You’d fill him with drink If he was dry ♪ ♪ At the well Below the valley-o ♪ ♪ Green grows the lily-o ♪ ♪ Right among the bushes-o ♪ ♪ That’s the end of my song ♪ I don’t know what that was.

I like songs.

And, you know, you said before how you like songs.

So, I thought, well, the master likes songs.

I like songs so.

It was a lie to win Old Myer’s confidence.

Yeah, I know.

Mine was a lie too.

-So, you don’t like music?

-Hate music.

Right.

So that performance?

Another lie.

A longer lie.

Huh.

[pensive music playing] Master Gideon!

What are you doing here?!

-Helping you.

-Stay there, Gooch.

You’re not helping me.

You were helping by staying put.

Yes, but... they’ve all got it in their heads that it’s you that killed Mister Stearne.

So I thought, I have to come and warn you in case word reached the Witchfinder General before you’d had a chance to explain.

And that was all your idea, was it?

-Well, I was talking to Mr. Hebble about it and he-- -Hebble?

Oh my God.

You and Hebble?

Hebble and Myers.

Sounds like a firm of not-very-good undertakers.

Well, you didn’t take long, did you?

What’d he offer you?

Hm?

Higher wage?

Plush new saddle?

Those thimbles you keep going on about?

I am not working for him.

He has come with me because-- -Hebble is with you?

-Yes!

-He wants to help you.

-He doesn’t want to help me.

He wants to take my witch; he wants to take my job with the Witchfinder General.

Bugger me.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Gooch, come on.

Gooch.

Hebble’s here.

What’s happening?

Goodness Gideon.

Hebble knows what you’re going through.

When he was young, his father was killed as a poacher.

-He understands.

-No, no, no, no, no.

Hebble’s father is an actuary in Kidderminster.

-I doubt he knows how to poach an egg.

-What's happening?

-His father is dead.

-He’s father isn’t dead.

I’ve met his bloody father.

-You’ve met his father!

-What’s going on?

-You met him at the carols, Myers, wake up.

-What’s happening?

He spun you a yarn to earn your trust.

Gideon, I think I’ve made a mistake.

-Mistake?

-What's going on?

No, a mistake is when you miss an L out of the word clock -when you’re writing to your mother.

-What's happening?

A mistake is when you try and milk a bull.

This isn’t a mistake, Myers.

This is a foul-up.

-What's going on?

-Does he know where I’m going?

I think I, I might have-- -You're unbelievable.

-What's happening?

I’ll tell you what’s going on and I’ll tell you what’s happening.

-Right.

-Myers here is gonna take Hebble somewhere else.

You and I are gonna hide.

Now, now, now, Myers.

Now, come on.

-What are you doing?

-Hiding now.

No, we need-- What are you-- Stand up.

We need to find a large barrel or a haystack.

I’m not getting in a barrel.

-Then a haystack it is.

-I’m not getting in a haystack.

Your ex offered for us to go to her house.

No, no, no, no, no, no, believe me.

We’re not doing that, that’s ruled out.

Did you say saddle of lamb?

Oh.

I’ve always wanted a house with a corridor.

I love corridors.

Now what I was saying about getting married to Thomasine.

-Yes?

-Well, have you got to know the locals at all?

Well, not as much as we’d like.

They are a very God-fearing people.

In quite a mad way.

I’ve heard they execute suspected witches without going to trial.

Well, one can’t be too careful when it comes to witches, can one?

So, you knew about that, did you?

Oh, absolutely.

So it’s one of the reasons we moved here.

Oh God, I’m sorry, what were you saying about Thomasine?

Oh, uh, nothing, I don’t think.

[Dorothy] This is my husband, Rex.

As in... Oedipus Rex.

I'm a friend of your mothers-- your wife’s.

Hello.

You must be Gideon!

-And I must be going.

-Going?

Going where?

Word is there’s a witch in the vale along with a corrupted witchfinder.

-Get lost.

-Mmm.

I’m off to find some men to help hunt them down.

Care to join, Gideon?

Does it have to be you?

We’ve got guests for goodness sake.

Good point.

Oh, do stay, Rex.

I shall find something for Thomasine to wear and you can entertain Gideon.

Entertain?

What?

You know how many windows we have here?

Oh, um 40...

Hundred and twelve.

Hundred and twelve windows.

Well!

One, one, two.

You like swords?

A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged sword by Kennetts of Hounslow.

Observe for the half-basket hilt.

And the blade?

Big.

-Thirty-two inches.

-Thirty-two, 32 inches.

Two edges.

Hundred and twelve windows.

Some numbers.

Pair of French rapiers, lighter for the weak-wristed swordsman.

You know why the foil came to prominence?

-No, sir.

-Goes through chainmail.

-Oh.

-And like that... [snaps finger] ...rendered chainmail obsolete.

I was wondering why chainmail had been rendered obsolete.

Well, there you are.

Ah, now.

This bespoke mortuary sword was given to me by Oliver Cromwell himself.

You met Oliver Cromwell?

At Naseby?

No, Dorothy and I met him socially.

What did he say?

Was he nice?

Do you mind if I don’t tell you actually?

I just feel it would be indiscreet to divulge what was said in a private conversation.

Totally.

Absolutely fine.

I just feel discretion is important.

-No, I was just-- -That’s just something I feel.

I’m not asking you to say exactly what he said, just looking for a general impression.

-Hm.

-Or does that fall under the same protocol?

Yes, I think it does.

Ah... [mutters] Dick.

Oh... smell that food.

Now remember, how you behave reflects upon me.

I think I’ll be all right.

A guy in my village used to host big feasts when he found dead livestock, so, I have used forks.

I have used forks.

-No one matching that description?

-[man] No.

Alice!

There you are.

Oh, I just needed the privy, love.

No matter.

Dunno why I keep needing to go!

-It’s fine.

-I think it might be the cart bumping against it.

You know, like when you squeeze a pigs bladder full of whey.

-It's fine.

-[chuckles] So, what did he say?

-Who?

-Master Gideon.

Seemed in quite a hurry.

Was that not him I saw riding away?

Cumberlidge!

The cart.

-You want one?

-No, thank you.

[Rex] Let us begin.

Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about-- [crunch] [Thomasine moans] Oh, sorry.

So sorry.

Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about to enjoy.

-Amen.

-[all] Amen.

-Just to explain the grace mix up there-- -[Dorothy] No.

-No I'd like to.

-No, no, no.

-I'd like to.

I'd like to.

-No, really.

We said grace immediately before we encountered you and I think Thomasine thought that carried over.

Not unreasonably.

I think most people agree that grace applies for around about, thank you, 45 minutes, there or there abouts before we have to re-utter.

So, I think she was eating within that window.

My God, do my eyes deceive me?

-[Dorothy] Father!

-Gideon Bannister!

We’ve not had the pleasure since... Oh, yes, when we decided that you and Dorothy should... [clicks tongue] Yes.

Yeah sorry about that.

No idea you’d... Well, it didn’t feel good.

-Well, anyway, how are y-- -Genuinely!

Never seen a grown man cry like that.

Sobering.

Sobering.

But!

How are things?

I rather imagined that you’d end up at home helping your father with his... -...was it butterflies?

-Bees.

Bees!

That’s it.

Is that where you ended up?

Um... Yeah.

Oh, good for you!

Y’know, follow your passion.

Y’know too many men these days, they just want a bit of stature, or renown.

You know that Rex fought at Naseby?

Yes, he mentioned that, and I enjoyed listening to that.

Not too late to join up.

[Mr. harvey] Join up?

-D’you remember when he ran away from that squirrel?

-[laughter] I was going in that direction anyway but yes.

[Dorothy] Oh, um... forgive me.

Uh, Father, Thomasine.

Thomasine and Gideon have, um, just got married.

I’m very pleased.

Oh, and... and it's Thomasine...?

-Sorry.

Gooch.

-Pardon me.

Trying to think if I know the Gooch family.

Do you have family, Thomasine?

Well, never mind about her family, let’s talk about your family.

-Oh.

-How are your family?

[laughs] Well, Uncle Francis is... Uncle Francis.

Of course, yes.

Still burying his money less the crown should steal it!

[laughs] He’s a bit of an eccentric.

-Oh, well, I’m all for eccentrics.

-Oh, yes.

I’ve an uncle, Jeremy, who won’t have clocks in the house.

[Gideon laughs] Oh.

-I’ve got an uncle that fell in love with a scarecrow!

-[Dorothy laughs] Oh!

The only thing is he couldn’t accept that the scarecrow didn’t love him back.

-[Dorothy] Oh.

-And he’d spend all day with it, stroking it, talking to it.

We just thought it was Brian being Brian.

Until he started getting intimate with it.

And we said, "Brian, you can’t be doing this.

Not in an open field.

With kids watching."

And he’d be crying going, "Oh, but the heart wants what the heart wants."

And we said, "Well, Brain, does that still apply when it’s, you know, furniture?"

And he was uh, it’s got worse and worse and he ended up hanging himself.

Very lonely man.

Might give the chutney a go.

And where’s your family estate?

Banham but I wouldn’t call it an estate.

Oh, I would.

I absolutely would.

It’s an estate, it has grounds.

Well, it’s got a bit of grass out the back for, you know, the dog to go.

Gotta say this, uh, beetroot tops the lot.

It's fine, it's fine.

Never let it be said we do not enjoy a joke at table!

[laughs] Um, I must say I enjoy, uh, do you know calembour?

It’s a kind of French pun.

And, uh, yes, I have several up my sleeve.

-[Gideon] Whoa.

-I will often have the table roaring, won’t I?

-Oh, roaring.

-[both laugh] I've got a joke.

Well, uh, the calembour-- A man walks into an alehouse, he gets so drunk that he's sick all over himself.

He goes, "Oh, me wife’s gonna be so cross with me, I’ve gone out and got drunk again."

And the landlord turns to him and says, "Here, take that shilling, yeah, put it in your top pocket, say another bloke was sick on your shirt and he gave you a shilling to get a new shirt."

He goes, "Oh, yeah, I’ll do that, I’ll do that."

So, he goes home and his wife sees him and she is... she is livid.

She goes, "Look at the state of you, you went out and got drunk again."

He went, "No, no, no, it wasn’t me, it wasn't me.

It was another bloke.

And what happened is he gave me a shilling for a new shirt."

She goes, "Why’s there’s two shillings then?"

And he says, "Because he shat in my pants as well."

[Thomasine wheezes laughing] Forgive me.

How could one man defecate in trousers still being worn by another man?

I suspect the absurdity is rather the point.

Yes?

Oooh, I see!

And was this a friend of yours?

I hope you don’t mind my asking, but, um, is she a uh... a peasant?

-Peasant, God, no she’s-- -Yeah, I am yeah.

Ha, ha well, how splendid!

Do, d’you know I don’t think we’ve ever had one at table before?

Why didn’t you say, Gideon?

We could’ve provided a spoon.

She has used forks.

No, good for you, Gideon.

Because it can work.

You know Lord Bodmin married a milk maid.

-[Dorothy] Milk maid.

-And he had three children.

Mmm, good breeders, the poor.

Do you people tend to live long, or...?

Does she know numbers?

Ask her yourself.

Do you know numbers?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I do know stuff, I just can’t read.

But I wanna learn.

Sorry?

Well, I wanna learn how to read.

-Oh.

-[Rex laughs] Yes, yes.

You had me taken in for a second there!

Me too!

Oh, I don’t know what to say.

Bloody convincing actually.

It’s the absurdity again, isn’t it, Rex?

You can imagine them y’know, in the field.

There they are, trying to read a potato!

-[they laugh hysterically] -[Mr. Harvey] Very good.

I think we have to go now.

Dorothy, Mr. Harvey, it’s been a pleasure.

Hear, hear.

And seriously... -Congratulations on the peasant.

-[Rex] Mmm.

A little gift to say thank you.

Some honey.

What, this is honey?

White honey, yeah.

[Dorothy] White honey?

Never heard of it.

Where did you get it from?

Oh, we got it from, uh... -Ramscock.

-...Ramscock.

It’s a local delicacy.

Only for the discerning palate.

Well... We shall be on our way.

Mmm... interesting.

Well, it’s interesting, isn’t it?

I've had that before.

[theme music playing]