[Davina] For thousands of people across Britain, someone is missing from their lives.

[woman] There's just this huge gap.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have a mum.

I just look and think, "That's my dad," but... he's just a stranger, isn't he?

She was asleep, and I walked out, and I've never seen her since.

Finding someone when the trail's gone cold can feel like an impossible task, but that's where we step in... [woman] Oh, I can't believe it!

Oh, my goodness!

...offering a last chance to people desperate for help.

A photograph of her.

With no idea where our searches will lead, we've travelled the world, uncovering family secrets and finding people that no one else has been able to trace.

She's beautiful.

I hope I can be that mother for her again.

[Davina] And finally, answering the questions that have haunted entire lives.

[sobbing] This week, a mother tormented by a decision she made when she was just a teenager.

[woman] I don't deserve children.

I gave one away, how could I?

How could I?

Just gave her away without a fight.

And a son who yearns to understand why his mother was unable to keep him.

[man] I hope she did want me at the time, but I'm still apprehensive about what I might actually find out.

[dramatic music playing] [Davina] Our first search is on behalf of a woman who's never recovered from the decision she made nearly 50 years ago when she had to give up her daughter.

[woman] I don't see myself as a mother now.

I can't see myself as a mother.

I haven't had that real opportunity of bringing a child up all through the trials and tribulations that kids go through.

I haven't done it.

Sixty-four-year-old Sheila Thomas lives with her husband David on the Sussex coast.

[Sheila] My life now is a world away from when I grew up.

We lived in a three-up and two-down in South London.

And there was my mum and my dad, myself, two brothers, and nan was in the front room.

And that meant we only had the back room for the five of us.

It was tight, it was tight.

At the age of 15, Sheila left school to get a job as a receptionist and soon found herself involved in a relationship.

[Sheila] I was bowled over by him, felt like a silly school girl.

It was exciting.

The whole situation took us both by surprise, I think.

He was just the one...

I fell madly in love with him.

But it wasn't long before Sheila discovered she was pregnant.

[Sheila] I found myself pregnant and scared...

I was 17, I was frightened.

And my boyfriend at the time was married.

I couldn't turn to him.

I couldn't ask him for help.

I couldn't go to him for help.

And I thought, "No, this can't be happening, it can't be true."

When the time finally came, when I couldn't hide it any longer, I had to face my parents.

I told them, and I had no idea what was going to happen, but mum and dad, they, they took charge.

Sheila parted from her boyfriend and quit her job, while her parents made arrangements for her to go to a mother and baby home.

On Boxing Day 1967, she gave birth to a baby girl she named Jacqueline.

[Sheila] It was amazing.

When I first held her, I thought, "Wow, I, me, I've had a baby."

I just thought, I need to care and look after this child now.

That bond is so strong.

It did not dawn on me that that child would be taken from me.

But plans had been made for Sheila's baby to be adopted, and after caring for her for six weeks, Sheila saw her daughter for the last time.

[Sheila] You know the morning's coming.

You know that time's coming.

But when you actually take the child and realize that that's the last day, that is the last time you have the child in your arms.

A lady came in from the side and she said, "I'm going to take your child now."

And, uh... she picked her up, and I said, uh... "Are you going to keep her name?"

"I can't tell you that."

And then she was gone.

The double doors opened, she's gone, she's gone.

That's it.

That's when it dawns on you, that's when it dawns on you she has gone.

I don't know how I could have done it, how I could have let myself be taken along with it.

I should have said, "Mum, come on, we can make this work.

Other people do it, why can't we?"

But I never did, I never said it, never said it.

Sheila has one memento from the brief time she had with her daughter.

When I was at the mother and baby home, we took loads of photographs, and one is very special to me.

It's just me... and I'm holding Jacqueline, and she's looking up at me.

It's very special, that one.

When I look at that, it just takes me back to when I was with her.

And dressing her, smelling her.

This is what upsets me so when people give me babies to hold.

They think they're doing the right thing, and it hurts me so much.

Because the smell of a baby, it's never like your own but it's a baby.

I can still smell it, still smell her.

Nearly ten years af ter she gave up her daughter, Sheila and David married.

David and I found each other, and before we got engaged, got married, we said we didn't want children.

And I knew that I couldn't, because I would be a bad mother.

I don't deserve children, I gave one away.

How could I?

How could I?

Just gave her away without a fight.

I want to find her now.

[Nicky] We worked with a specialist able to access information about Jacqueline's adoption, which made tracing Sheila's daughter comparatively straightforward.

What wasn't quite as clear was whether she would want to meet her birth mother.

We initially made contact with Sheila's daughter more than six months ago, but only now has she agreed to meet me.

Finding out your birth mother's been looking for you can be unsettling and bring up unexpected emotions.

I wonder whether Jacqui ever hoped her birth mother would find her or whether her delay in coming back to us was because of the fear of the unknown.

Widowed in 2005, Jacqueline, now known as Jacqui, lives in Kent with her 13-year-old daughter, close to her adoptive parents.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Jacqui?

-Yes, hello, Nicky.

-Do come in.

Nice to see you.

-Thanks so much.

[Nicky] Nice to see you.

So is this a bit of a strange... -Very strange.

-...situation for you?

Yeah.

Very strange, yeah, very unexpected, because I, um... Yeah, I didn't expect to hear anything, didn't expect to hear anything, and then when I got the letter, it was a real big shock.

-But then there was a gap.

-There was a gap because I was in shock.

But now I just think, yeah, just seize the moment.

When did you find out you were adopted?

I've just always known.

My parents just always made it known to me.

I cannot remember a time when I was sat down and told.

You know, we are a very close family unit.

And I think they're keen to reassure Sheila that everything went well and fill in the gaps that I don't remember about myself.

When your birth mother became pregnant with you, she was in denial for a while.

You know back in those days, it was a... you can imagine the situation, a terrible situation.

But when you were about to be picked up and she dressed you, and then she washed you and then she dressed you again, and that's the, that's the moment of... where your life changes forever.

Mmm, yeah.

That must have been awful.

She never had any more children because she was so racked with guilt that she felt she didn't deserve to have any.

To carry a child for nine months.

You know, I've done that, I know how it feels.

And it would be very difficult to give a child up because you've bonded with it.

Because our big question is, "Did I do the right thing?"

We'll never know that answer.

But, you know, the right thing happened for me, so it worked out, it worked out well.

The best thing about it will be the opportunity to say how, um... how much I've always held her in regard for having accepted and admitted to herself that she perhaps couldn't give me the life that she might have wanted to.

And so by giving me away, I was able still to have that life.

It's going to be amazing for her.

I know, and that makes me feel really... that's a really good thing.

[Nicky] She has written you a letter.

-Yes?

-This is a glimpse into her life, isn't it?

-This is the first real glimpse into her life.

-Mm.

"To my daughter Jacqueline Ann, I have started this letter a thousand times in my head to you, but putting it into words is so hard.

I hope you can understand a little bit more of where you came from, out of love, and how I hope I gave you the best start in life that you so deserved.

My dreams and wishes for you have always been that you have had a happy, healthy upbringing in your life so far and that we may meet again one day."

That's very nice.

Mm.

And that's what I thought, that she'd just want to know if I was okay and happy and healthy.

So I'm really pleased to be able to tell her that I am.

Gosh.

Wow.

I don't know what I imagined.

She looks lovely, though, yeah, very nice.

Probably the same eyes, I think.

Strange, isn't it?

Very strange.

[Davina] Before we tell Sheila we've found her daughter... our second search comes from the Welsh Borders and a man searching for answers about his past.

[man] "There is a baby boy available for adoption whom the committee would like you to consider."

Forty-nine years ago, Stephen Andrews was given up for adoption.

This letter holds the only facts about his birth parents that Stephen has ever known.

[Stephen] "Stephen's mother, Janet Elizabeth Bird, is 16 years old.

The baby's father is aged nearly 19."

For Stephen, the letter raises one big question: why didn't his parents keep him?

[Stephen] "This couple have been known to each other for two years and are engaged, however, feel it would be best for Stephen to be adopted."

I try not to think of it as a rejection.

Obviously my birth parents did intend to marry, but they also were saying that for whatever reason, it was impossible for them to keep me.

[wife] Bye!

Are you off now?

-[Stephen] See you later!

Bye!

-[wife] Have fun.

Stephen is now a surveyor for the council and lives with his wife and three daughters.

He had a happy childhood with his adoptive parents, Terence and Betty, and at the age of eight was told that he had been adopted.

But it wasn't until he was a teenager that he began to feel the impact of this.

I do lack self-esteem, particularly at 13, so I never would have told anybody at school and possibly run the risk of being ridiculed for it or being known as... possibly, the child that's been adopted.

It's not a label or a stigma that you particularly want.

But what started as a teenage habit has continued throughout Stephen's life.

[woman] He's a very private person.

I've known he was adopted right from the start, but it is something that he has kept to himself.

I've never told anyone through all my school life.

I never told anybody within my working life.

You know, the fact that you've been given up does come with a sense of shame.

Part of the reason I haven't pursued it for many, many years is... possibly having to hear that it was a rejection rather than circumstances.

[Davina] Stephen Andrews is troubled by the question of why his birth mother gave him up, especially as his adoption record showed that she had plans to marry his birth father.

He's now searching for the answer.

There just comes a time where... you can't hide behind things anymore, and, uh... perhaps you need to just stand up and... and face what's happened in the past.

For Stephen the discovery that his parents were engaged to be married seemed to support his fears that he was unwanted.

But amongst his adoption papers, there is one item which offers a different perspective.

My birth mother included a note to be handed to my adoptive mother, which briefly outlined my feeding regime and what was best for me and what perhaps didn't suit me.

That, for me, implies that my mother was very caring.

She took the time to write this letter.

He would like to meet his birth mother and have that connection and know that he was loved.

[Stephen] She must have, you hope she has feelings for me, uh... that a mother can never break with her child.

But, you know, I'm still apprehensive about what I might actually find out.

I might not hear what I wanna hear.

But as I say, you know, you get to a certain age where you've gotta face those answers, whatever they are.

Everything that Stephen knows about his mother is in the adoption papers, and the fact that he keeps coming back to is that she was engaged to be married to his biological father.

Now, that has huge emotional implications for Stephen, but for us it was the first clue in our search to find her.

Using the names of his mother and father that were recorded in his paperwork, we ran a check of marriage records within a couple of years of Stephen's birth.

And this gave us the information we were looking for: a Janet E. Bird married a Keith Lusted in Reading on 18th March 1967.

Stephen's parents married exactly two years after his adoption was finalized.

But the electoral roll showed no results of a couple with these names still living at the same address.

We had to assume that they might no longer be together.

Further checks revealed that Janet E. Lusted had remarried in 1995 and was now living with her new husband in the New Forest in Hampshire.

[GPS] Turn left.

You have reached your destination.

[Nicky] We contacted Janet and she confirmed that she was Stephen's mother and agreed to meet me.

Stephen's got two contradictory impressions of his mother, Janet.

There's a girl who loved and cared for him enough to pass his feeding plan on in meticulous detail, and then there's the teenager who didn't feel able to keep her baby, despite the plans to marry his father.

I wonder who the 16-year-old Janet was and did she have any idea what effect her decision would have on her son?

-Ah, hello, Nicky.

-Hello, Janet.

-Nice to meet you.

-Very good to meet you.

-Come on in.

-Thank you very much.

So when you got the letter, what was that like?

That was just shock.

I sat there and read it and I thought, "What's this about?"

And then, "Janet Elizabeth Bird, yes, that's me those years ago."

And then excitement, and right from the start, I thought, yes, I'm going to agree to him finding me.

So tell me about you at 15, you at 16 years old.

Who were you?

I started going out with my ex-husband, Stephen's father, when I was 14.

Unfortunately when I was 15, I got pregnant.

I was so frightened because I was so young.

I didn't really know how to cope with it.

I just thought, wow, you know, what do I do now?

We had no money, I didn't know what we were going to do, how we would have looked after a baby.

Mum and dad said, "Well, adoption is gonna be the way out."

And I just thought to myself, "Well, um...

I'm going to be helping someone that, you know, can't have children.

At least I am doing something positive."

Were there instances where you thought this could have been, this could have worked, this could have been different?

Not really, no, no.

I didn't think that.

But to be quite honest, Nicky, I can't remember everything back at that time.

Uh, maybe I've blotted it out.

Uh...

It was a horrible thing to go through, so I just, um, yeah, I didn't, um...

I didn't think about it at all.

Not really.

But that day you gave him away, that day that he left, when you got up that morning, do you remember?

I mean, you must have dressed him, you must have got him ready and then somebody came and took him away, effectively forever.

Absolutely.

In the pit of your stomach, you just feel sick.

And yeah, I cried and cried a lot afterwards, very emotional.

Very emotional, it was horrible.

But, um, yeah.

So you got married to Keith?

I got married to Keith, yes.

And then we had two sons.

-You had two sons?

-Yes.

Two sons.

So Stephen's got two full brothers?

Two brothers, yes.

Did you tell them about Stephen when they were growing up?

I didn't tell them.

Maybe I felt ashamed.

Uh... Maybe they would think I was a bad mother, what I did.

Uh... Yeah, maybe they'd just think that I was, why did I do it?

And maybe I didn't want to bring it up again.

It's funny because Stephen felt a kind of shame about being adopted.

-Yeah.

-So when people said, "How many children have you got?"

you said?

I would say two.

Will that not be quite liberating, to be able to tell the truth?

Yes, yes, no doubt.

No doubt about it.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Lovely looking lad.

Oh, it's strange, my stomach's going over.

Hmm.

He's got some questions to ask, and I just want to answer them.

Yeah.

[Davina] Stephen's search for his mother has also been a quest for the truth and an understanding of what happened 49 years ago.

I think that some of the answers to Stephen's questions are going to be quite hard for him to hear.

-Hi, Stephen.

-Hi.

Hi, Davina.

-How you doing?

-Nice to see you.

-You all right?

-Yes, fine.

Like to come in?

[Davina] Yes, please.

Thank you.

[Stephen] You're welcome.

I was wondering, you haven't really ever talked about your adoption.

Why is that?

It's just very scary because it's just fear of the unknown.

It won't be the fear of the unknown anymore.

We have found your mum.

That's great.

Thank you very much.

Does she want to meet me?

-She does.

-She does.

Oh.

Can I ask you something?

Did she, um... did she stay with my father?

She did.

Are they still together?

No.

They were together for 13 years.

So... so if they had have kept me, then I would have been brought up, for 13 years, with them together.

That's quite powerful.

Did they have other children?

They did.

Together?

Oh, wow.

You have two brothers.

I'm sorry.

It's a lot to take in.

Do you know how my brothers took it?

-Very well.

-Did they?

And they would really like to meet you too.

Oh, wow.

-As would your father.

-Really?

-You've traced my father as well?

-Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Cor blimey.

I don't know, the shock of having brothers is perhaps... the biggest shock of all.

-Why?

-I don't know.

It's, um... Because it was just perhaps too much to contemplate that, first of all my mother and father did actually marry, and then they stayed together and they had... children, which are my true, true brothers.

It's really strange.

Your mum had a lot of shame.

It's not that you were forgotten, it's that it was a guilty, painful thing that... That she felt that she couldn't tell?

Yeah.

I mean, you'll need to talk to her about it.

-Yeah.

Okay.

-And she wants to talk to you about it.

[Davina] Forty-six years ago, unable to provide her newborn baby with a future, Sheila Thomas had no choice but to let her go.

Ever since giving up her daughter for adoption, Shelia has seen herself as a bad mother.

She's always believed that, if she'd just fought harder, she might have been able to keep her.

And, you know, nothing can change how Sheila has felt about herself all of these years, but maybe hearing that her daughter has been found and that she wants to meet her, maybe she can stop feeling so full of guilt and regret.

[doorbell rings] -Hi.

-Hello, Davina.

-Hi.

-Please, come in.

Thank you, thanks very much.

I think the thing about your story that I found the most moving was the fact that after Jacqueline, you never went on to have any more children.

I felt that it would be slightly disrespectful to Jacqueline.

How could I have a child and give her away?

How could I do it?

But I did it.

But you did the best that you could have done.

-I hope so.

-At the time.

I hope so.

Well, you did.

Because your daughter has been found.

-Is she well?

-She's well.

-That's all I want.

-She's well.

That's all I want, just to know she's well.

Does she want to see me?

Oh, God!

Really?

Oh, gosh.

Wow!

Wow!

That's all I can say.

Wow.

Good grief.

Good gracious me.

She's called Jacqui.

No!

No, how did she get that name?

-They're lovely people.

-Are they?

-They did that for you.

-I can't believe that.

'Cause I've had that name in my head for 46 years.

And every time I looked at her...

I've said her name and it's right.

-It's right.

-She's still Jacqueline.

Oh, God.

That's wonderful.

This is your daughter.

Oh, wow!

Oh, my goodness me.

-She has my eyes.

-She really does.

She does have my eyes, that's for true.

[gasps] God.

[sniffles] That's lovely.

She looks happy.

Oh, that's brilliant.

She's written something for you.

Oh.

"Dear Sheila, I am so pleased to know that by writing this letter to you, your long search for me is finally over, and you have been successful.

I'm only sorry that it's been so long.

[sighs] It is very important to me that you do not feel any regret or guilt about giving me up.

If you have these worries, let them end immediately, please."

It's gone, it's lifted.

-It's gone.

-The guilt?

Yeah.

It's gone.

Isn't that amazing?

That's incredible because that's the bit that's stayed with me.

Oh, gosh.

This morning, just 48 hours after learning that we have traced her daughter, Sheila will finally be reunited with Jacqui.

[doorbell rings] Hello, Davina.

-It's so exciting, isn't it?

-Hello.

-It's such a wonderful day.

-Oh!

I'm ready for this.

-Sun's out.

-Absolutely beautiful.

I was slightly horrified by this label that you'd given yourself, "bad mother."

You know, do you still feel like that now?

-Or is that easing a bit as well?

-No.

That's easing now.

That feels, maybe I've been too hard, now.

It's the apprehension of, will she like me?

I'm a stranger.

So it's gonna be...

I don't know how it's gonna be for her, but she's got to take things one step at a time.

Jacqui has travelled from her home in Kent to Alfriston in East Sussex, a favorite haunt of Sheila's.

Right, how are you?

-Hello, Nicky.

-You all right?

Lovely to see you.

Yep, very well.

-[Nicky] Right, here we go.

-Here we go.

What's the most important thing that you want to say to Sheila?

The most important thing is to have said thank you for making the decision that you made.

And it couldn't be easy, but it worked out so well.

It was the best thing she could have done.

That's the main thing for me, to let her know that everything turned out very well.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

[Sheila] It's so wonderful to know that it's good news and she wants to meet me.

And I'm just feeling that I want to just explode at the minute, I'm just so excited.

I just, I just want to put my arms around her now.

If she wants me to.

Thank you, Davina.

Thank you.

And you want to go down there, and your daughter is waiting for you at the George.

Thank you.

-Sheila.

-Hello.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful too.

-Oh, my goodness.

-I know, that's what I think.

-Look at you.

-Look at you.

-You do look like me, actually.

-You look like me too.

Oh, goodness me.

I'm so glad you gave a cuddle, that's what I wanted.

Oh, of course.

-Ah, goodness me.

-How are you?

I'm okay now.

How about you?

How are you?

-I'm very happy.

-Good.

Are you?

Very happy.

This means everything to me, that they kept your name.

I've had a fantastic life.

And thank you for giving me the opportunity 'cause I think it was very brave and courageous and selfless what you did.

The double doors opened, and then, that was it.

-You'd gone.

-Gone.

Terrible.

-Must have been awful, Sheila.

-It was, it was.

But look at you now.

-Gosh.

-I have something for you.

Do you?

I had a photograph taken whilst we were at the mother and baby home.

[Jacqui] Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

Oh, that's beautiful.

It's good, it's good.

[Sheila] I knew her, immediately it was her.

Her eyes lit up, to me.

And she hugged me, and I was gonna ask her if I could touch her and hold her again, and she wanted to hold me.

And that was the best ever.

Just to hug someone that you've got such a deep connection with but you haven't actually ever met before is, yeah, it feels like lots of things.

It's like when you hug somebody that you love deeply.

So, Sheila, my mum's come with me today, and I know that she'd really, really like to meet you.

-Has she really?

-Would you like to meet her?

-I'd love to.

-Okay.

She's here.

Hello!

Mum, this is Sheila.

Lovely to see you.

And you.

I owe you so much.

I owe you so much.

And I owe you so much too, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

I owe you everything.

She's been a wonderful daughter.

-Has she?

-You can be really, really proud of her.

I am.

Look at her.

[laughing] [Sheila] I felt I wanted to be her friend.

All those years gone, those years have gone and they've gone for a reason, but now I just want to be a little part in her life, just a little bit in the background.

Now it's go forward, never look back now.

-[women laughing] -[Sheila] I don't want to lose you now.

-Bye, Dad, love you.

-Good luck.

It's the day of Stephen's reunion with his mother Janet, who gave him up for adoption nearly 50 years ago.

Janet has travelled to Wales for the meeting.

Stephen's birth father and brothers want to meet him later.

Perfect, thanks very much.

-There you are.

-Hi, Nicky!

-How are you, Janet?

-Fine, thank you.

-Shall we, uh... -Thank you.

[Nicky] It was amazing talking to you, when we met a few weeks ago, whenever it was, but what I found so fascinating was the more we talked, the more you seemed to remember things.

I think, you know, a lot of the emotion I probably put to the back of my mind, because I didn't want to remember all that emotion.

And ever since then I've felt a relief that it has come out.

Felt, you know, didn't feel any shame or anything that I've talked all about it.

I feel that I'm glad it's all come out.

He'll have lots of questions for you.

Yes.

I will explain exactly what happened, uh, you know, the facts that they are.

-Hi.

-It's a lovely day, really nice.

-Perfect day, isn't it?

-Nice to see you again.

-Lovely day to meet your mum.

-Thank you.

Let's go.

Stephen and Janet will meet at Powis Castle, a favorite place for Stephen's family, just down the road from his home.

[Nicky] How are you feeling?

[Janet] Okay.

-I'm fine.

-Are you?

Yeah, I'll be all right.

Are you worried?

Um...

Yes, I mean, yes, I've got some worries.

What are you worried about?

I'm not sure.

I mean, it's, um... it's 49 years have gone and I mean, although she's my birth mother, she's also a stranger, and I really don't know how I'm going to feel.

I've tried to imagine myself in the situation, that's gone through my head many, many times, walking into a room and meeting her, and it's just the feelings you can't imagine.

So I suppose the fear is in just not knowing how I'm going to be and how I'm going to react and what feelings I'm actually gonna have.

Thank you.

-Hi.

-Stephen, at last!

-[Stephen] How are you?

-Oh!

[Janet] Just wanted to hold you since I left you.

[Stephen] It's been a long time.

-These are for you.

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Come and sit down.

It's really nice to see you.

It's so surreal, isn't it, after all this time?

[Janet] Mmm.

-Um... -You want me to...?

-Yeah, I mean, obviously... -You wanna find out... Yeah, I mean, the letter said that... because I had a sort of a letter from the adoption agency which my adoptive parents passed on to me a few years ago.

And it's like, it explains about you and my father.

You know, I never wanted you to be hurt.

I can put myself in your shoes, if it happened to me, that, you know, I'd think, "Well, why?

What was wrong with me?

Why?

You know, did they not want me?"

But with just the situation at the time, that was just impossible.

Um, you know, I became pregnant when I was 15.

I was so young, and I was frightened, I didn't know how to cope.

My twin daughters are 16, I couldn't envisage them having a baby at such a young age.

So I can understand.

It must have been very difficult.

It was difficult, and it just felt...

I can't describe the feeling, it was an emptiness afterwards, and...

I have thought of you, but you push it to the back of your mind a bit.

-Yeah.

-Um... -You know, because it hurts.

-Yeah.

You know, when people say to me, "How many sons have you got?"

and I usually say two, and that's awful.

But now, I'm happy to...

I'm out there and I'm telling people.

-You're my boy!

-[laughing] Yeah.

I mean, to hear my mother just tell me in her own words, you know, I could see the emotion in her eyes, that she did find it really difficult to give me away.

And I think it was really important for me to find that out, and I think that will really help in the healing process of any hurt or shame that I had.

I'm going to tell everyone I've got three sons and be proud of it.

[peaceful music playing]