(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) Instructions.

Damn.

Let's turn now to the mechanism of protein synthesis, a process called translation, because the four-letter alphabet of-- Four-letter alphabet of nucleic acids is translated into the different... (WHISPERS) Get out.

Lecturer: ...replication or transcription.

A protein is synthesized in the amino-to-carboxyl direction by-- (CELL PHONE RINGING) (RINGING CONTINUES) (RINGING STOPS) (SIGHS) It's next to the sink, under the surface.

It's labeled.

Did I tell you we're amalgamating with a big PR company in America?

PRM.

Yeah.

Yes, the big time, darling, hmm.

Well, it should be enough to rein Lulu back into the fold anyway.

Yeah.

No, I know, I'm getting all the majors from the States, darling.

You know, Planet Hollywood, AIDS, big AIDS conventions Elizabeth Taylor AIDS conventions, darling.

And we're talking three-lunch days.

Goodbye Tania Bryer and hello... Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sw...

Damn, damn.

Bugger, bugger.

Bollocks.

Morning, Eddy.

(SIGHS) Oh, morning, darling.

Did you sleep alright?

Yeah, eventually.

Well, you know, after a few hours.

Not in Saffy's bed.

-My bed.

-Oh, God.

Who was it, anyway?

Oh, it was just a male model.

Square head and Calvin Klein underpants.

-(EDINA SIGHS) -Wanted to, um...

Wanted to show me his portfolio.

Oh, alright.

How was it?

Fantastic.

Do you want a... Do you want a cup of coffee, darling?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Eddy, where did I leave my keys?

Darling, I've told you.

You always leave them around.

When you come in the house, put them in the bowl.

I've put them in your bag for you.

Ed, this is a lot like the old days, isn't it?

You know?

You and me, just talking to each other in your kitchen, without old Mrs. Grundy.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

I mean, I...

I can just do whatever I want, now, you know, I mean...

I'm sort of a free, liberated woman, with a career that's going fabulously, you know.

Well, I can just do whatever I want.

What shall we do, darling, hmm?

Well, I've gotta go and see Magda.

Hmm.

Yeah, I've gotta sort out things here, and then I'll go into the office and sort out the deal, that's all.

Yeah, alright.

So, I'll take the car, shall I and send him back for you?

-Yeah, alright.

-Right.

Oh, by the way, we're out of mixers.

Okay.

I'll put it on my list.

See you later.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

-You'll forget your head one day.

-Oh.

Have a nice day at the office, darling.

Alright, thank you and you, sweetie.

That is not going to happen.

No, no, no, no, no.

How come she always gets to be the man?

Talking to yourself, dear?

That's the first sign of madness, you know?

Really?

I thought it was talking to you.

Anyway, what do you want, huh?

I just popped by to use your oven to bake the cakes for the shop.

What?

The old miseries' charity shop?

That's right, dear.

What, that eyesore with a moth-eaten felt hat and a chipped cup and a couple of dead batteries passing as a window display?

That?

Well, we don't put anything that people might want to buy in the window or we'd have to keep replacing it.

You're all out of cocoa and I promised Mr. Potter a choccy cake this week.

What, this is all my stuff you use, is it, huh?

What, dear?

All this.

All...

This...

This...

Wheat powder... What's this?

-Flour, dear.

-Flour, yes.

All this is mine, is it?

I mean, I am now paying for old people to eat cake?

Saffy said you wouldn't mind, dear.

-Oh.

-Where is she?

She left home.

You knew that.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

(HUMMING) Is, um... Is old Patsy coming back?

No.

Well, there's a thing.

You and me, alone at last.

Oh, I see.

Well... Well, when was the last time?

Actually, dear, I think it's a first.

Well, don't feel you have to say anything to mark the occasion, please.

No, no.

It's probably better if I go.

Yeah, yeah.

Off you go.

I'll come back later and finish this when, when there's somebody here.

Yeah.

Actually, dear, there is one thing I've always wanted to say.

It doesn't matter.

No, but I promised your father I would.

Look, I don't want some scene, okay?

This is very difficult for me, dear.

Don't bother, then.

I'm sure I'll survive.

Edwina, dear, do you remember your first pair of platform shoes?

What, the ones you saw Patsy steal?

Yeah.

Yes, dear.

Well, Patsy didn't steal them.

Your father and I took them on a camping trip to the Rhineland... to bang the tent pegs in with.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you earlier.

Just go.

Just go.

Just go.

I told you when you bought them they were very shoddily made.

Leave now.

They absolutely fell to bits.

And eventually we had to invest in a mallet, after all.

Oh.

Just leave.

Go on.

(HORN HONKS) What did you say your name were again?

Lulu?

Oh, like Sting?

What is it you do?

I'm a singer.

Look, I'm her number one client.

(SCOFFS) She tells everyone that.

Don't tell her I said that, though, will ya?

Trade secret.

I'm thinking of getting someone else to do my PR.

But don't tell her that, will you?

Trade secret.

Not 'cause of me, I hope.

'Cause I am hopeless with faces, names, and people.

Funny you being called Lulu, though, 'cause there were that one, weren't there?

♪ I'm just a jack in a box ♪ ♪ No, no, never, no, no ♪ ♪ Jump up and down on a string ♪ No.

That, that was not me.

Give us one of yours, then.

No.

Go on.

Don't be shy.

(CHUCKLES) I bet you've got a lovely voice when you try.

Okay.

-(LOUDLY) ♪ We... ♪ -(SCREAMS) Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

That can't be you.

She'd be really, really old now.

That's me.

But you look too young.

-Ah.

-Just kidding.

Got to say that, don't ya?

I'm here.

Don't panic.

Hello, Lulie, darling, hello.

(KISSES) Has Bubble filled you in on our big news?

-Look, I'm just here as a formality-- -Coffee?

-I don't want you to do-- -Champagne?

Did she tell you, darling, we've joined forces with PRM in New York?

PRM?

Has Whitney Houston rung, darling?

Rung?

Has she rung?

Whitney Houston.

Go and see if she's rung, darling.

Whitney Houston.

And De Niro.

-What, to see if he's rung?

-Edina: Hmm.

Whitney and De Niro.

Just go and see... -Rung?

-Go on!

Go on!

Uh, you did say PRM?

Yeah.

PRM, yeah.

Darling, I've been rushed off my feet, you know.

Bands, books launches, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Hollywood Bowl, Wembley Arena.

It's just been names, names, names... Neil Sedaka.

So?

No, no, nothing, nothing.

I'll have that... -What, coffee?

-Champagne you offered.

-Glass of champagne-- -A bottle.

Bottle of champagne for Lulu.

That'll be alright for you?

Ugh.

I'll give you a month.

God.

It's been push, push, push with that woman since The Boat That I Row.

They haven't rung.

(GRUMBLES) But that woman with PMT... PRM, PRM.

...phoned to say that she'd fixed a meeting for you with... Go on.

-Uh, bear with me.

-Yeah.

She had a really strange accent.

-I could barely understand her.

-Who?

-Ooh, and that other woman... -Edina: Mm-hmm.

-...very, very high voice.

-Edina: Mm-hmm.

(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Hello.

Hello.

How are you, sweetheart?

"I've just won the Grand National."

Elizabeth Taylor?

Yeah?

Wants to have lunch next week.

Lunch, lunch... My God, I'll have to change.

And there was something, something, something, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah... What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

A fax?

A fax?

Oh, my God.

"Strategy meeting with clients and accountants.

"Urgent press release and campaign advertising budget outlines needed."

Oh.

-Cripey.

-Yeah.

It's the big time for us.

(WINCES) -Great.

-I'm gonna have to sack you, okay?

Right.

I shall endeavor to transcribe it on to my pad, photocopy it and file it for future reference.

Hello, hello.

Hello!

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Fine.

(SIGHS) Yeah, fine, thanks.

Yeah... Having a nice time at your bloody university, are you, sweetie?

Are you having a nice time at university?

Shout!

Shout!

I can just do what I bloody like now.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) (MUMBLES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, sweetie... Oh... (GROANS) Huh.

Oh.

Hello, Eddy.

I've got Magda, Fleur, Catriona back here.

We're just having a little drink.

-Edina: Oh.

-Alright?

How are you doing?

I can't stay much longer.

I got, um, well, bugger all to do till next week, actually.

Take a holiday, darling.

South of France.

No, I don't do holidays.

Everybody's a nobody in a bikini.

I bumped into Anna Wintour once when I was wearing a G-string and I felt me power base slipping.

Really?

How can you take a holiday?

You got a guest editor or something this month?

-Yeah, but the magazine's folded.

-Edina: Oh.

We just had our final meeting.

We cleared out.

Oh.

(EDINA SIGHS) What?

Oh, yes, you missed that bit.

You were in the loo.

-Closed?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-Yes.

That's what we all thought.

Well, what are you going to do, darling, huh?

Oh, usual routine.

Hang around for a couple of weeks until someone opens another one.

You know?

Or see who's looking a bit fragile in the competition and move in.

I can tell you some of them will be shaking on their mastheads knowing I'm on the loose.

Yeah, 'course they will, darling.

I was going to say... -What?

-What?

Sorry, I thought I knew what you were going to say then, but I don't.

I was going to say it's a pity, really.

We had a meeting with Paloma Perfumes with a view to-- Getting some free perfume.

Yes.

It's a shame.

It took months to set up.

Whatsit, can I use your phone?

I'm expecting a call from New York and I don't wanna clog up me mobile.

-Edina: Yeah.

-New York?

So, what are you going to do?

Well, I've got a friend with a lovely job, so maybe... Don't be stupid.

Armani, my arse.

I don't come as a package.

I mean, look, I, I, I sacked Bubble.

Why don't you have her job?

-There you are.

-Yeah.

No, no, no, mate.

I don't even get outta bed and piss for that kinda money.

And as for me, well, self-confidence and fun are my words du jour.

Of course I, I shall have to fall back on my Revlon connections.

I mean, after all, I've got an awful lot of... -Makeup?

-Yes.

What do you mean bad circulation?

It needs triple bypass surgery, and I'm holding the scalpel, alright?

Right.

I'm off.

They've just made me editor of HQ magazine in New York.

Oh.

Congratulations.

Yeah, don't push it.

I've got a non-smoking brunch with Marlboro Lights and a designer douche launch to get to by ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

And all this with my "Ta, nice to have worked with you, shame it's closed, but it's a crap mag, anyway" lunch floating about here.

Thanks for the drink.

Patsy, a word.

Oh.

Oh.

HQ magazine.

Tina's moved on again.

Well, I must be off.

Well, if you want that job, I mean, just go into the office 'cause I've sacked Bubble.

So, she can just show you the ropes, alright?

Right.

-Edina: Yeah.

-Oh.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Revlon, here I come.

Excuse me, madam, would you like to try Revlon's new refreshment spray?

(MIMICS SPRAYING HISSING) Edina: Pats.

Pats.

Hello, darling.

Well, you don't have to do that in here anymore, you know.

-Yeah.

It's great, isn't it?

-Yeah.

No bitch daughter.

-(BLOWS A RASPBERRY) Fantastic.

-Yeah.

I can smoke this anywhere now, you know.

-Aah.

-Yeah.

Edina: You know.

(SIGHS) What did Magda want?

Oh, she wants to take me to HQ with her.

-Oh.

-(INHALES) You know, familiar face and all that.

(SNIFFS) -Edina: Alright.

-Oh, yeah.

I mean, you could be looking at the new Grace Coddington here, you know.

-Yeah?

-Fash Ed supreme.

-(SNIFFS) -Yeah?

I mean, it would be major league.

-It would mean major... Yeah.

-Discounts.

Wouldn't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be great, wouldn't it?

'Cause, like, I'd see you in, like, New York, you know, with PRM and it'd be... You, the new Julie Covington, me just the fantastic.

-Yeah.

-Edina: Yeah.

-I'll drink to that.

-Edina: Cheers, darling.

Cheers.

Here's to our fantastic, beautiful lives.

Yeah.

Cheers.

What do you see when you look in the mirror, darling?

Me looking fabulous.

What do you see?

Yeah, just the room.

(HEAVY BREATHING) I can't do it, Eddy!

Oh, well, well, what?

What?

Well?

-(PATSY CRYING) -Huh?

Eddy, why can't everything just stay still?

-I mean, like, what's suddenly happened?

-Edina: What?

-I mean, it is like everything I ever wanted, but... -Edina: Yeah.

...but all I want to do is to throw up.

You don't wanna throw up.

You don't have any head room.

Darling, come back here.

Come back here, darling.

You don't wanna do that.

You don't wanna be doing that.

You just want a little drink, darling, a little, little drink with a cigarette.

(PATSY PANTING) That's it.

There, there, there.

I mean, you just stand up and put your neck on the line and they chop it off.

I mean, you just put your head up over the parapet and they kick away the stool.

-No, they won't, darling.

-They will, they will.

They've done it before.

Oh.

You're not still thinking about that, are you, darling?

Well, it frightens me, Eddy.

What, still?

Yeah.

I think it is my only memory.

(TAMBOURINE RATTLING) (PLAYS NOTES, OFF-KEY) (RATTLING) Well, fantastic.

Now, I know you came here as a temporary secretary and it took a lot of courage to do what you've just done, but... you're on Candid Camera.

(SOFTLY) You bastard.

I'd like you to meet a few more friends of mine.

The Rolling Stones, themselves.

Come on in, boys.

And all your other little friends.

(MOCKING LAUGHTER) (EXCLAIMS) I mean, darling, I-I don't think it even went out.

I don't think anyone saw it anyway.

Bastards!

(INDISTINCT) Bastard!

You don't know what that did to me, Eddy.

It didn't seem to affect you at all.

It wasn't my song, was it?

I mean... Yeah, but you played on it.

Well, it was just a bit of fun.

Patsy: Yeah.

Anyway, I mean... (SIGHS) Darling, you don't have to do anything.

You don't have to do anything.

Just stay here.

You don't have to do anything, you know.

Yeah, but, I don't want to be just nothing.

You're not just... You're not just nothing.

No, I know I'm not just nothing.

I mean, I'm not just born and died.

-I'm not just nothing, but I'm... -Edina: No.

-I'm not out there!

-Where?

Where?

Where?

You know, I just want people to be scared of me.

I want them to think, you know, Patsy, you know, great and... -And, and I, and I can't because I'm too... -What, what?

-I'm too, I'm too, I'm too... -No, you're not, darling.

-I'm too, I'm too, I'm too... -You're not that old.

No, I'm not, I'm not too old.

I know I'm not too old.

It's just that I'm, I'mtoo scared.

Why?

Well, it's just old age, that...

I mean, you know, the older you get, the more frightening life is.

It should be the other way 'round, but it ain't, you know.

-Bloody old people.

-Yeah.

-I don't wanna be them.

-Oh.

Darling, do you remember... do you remember when you could just, like, get up in the morning and feel fabulous?

Yeah, without pills.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, like, every day it was just like, you know, you were just like Henry Winkler walking into Happy Days.

-Hello, hello.

-Yeah.

You know, I know what I'm doing.

This is mine, people love me.

Yeah.

They know who I am.

-Applause.

-(IMITATING CROWD APPLAUDING) Not like some bloody old person who can't even bloody cross the road at a... pingling crossing that's shouting, "Walk!

Walk!"

-Pats.

-Yes, darling?

-Pats.

Pats, Pats.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, like, um, when you're in a room or something, and you think someone's, like, staring at you?

-What, in a room?

-Well, you know, or on a plane, or anywhere, anywhere.

And, like, you're sort of doing things 'cause you think someone's looking at you, like, people are looking at you, you know.

-On a plane?

-Well, anywhere, anywhere.

And then you look at them, and they're just sort of asleep.

-But their head is flopped in your direction, you know?

-Yeah.

Well, I don't want that to happen.

I don't want that to be my life, you know, whole world asleep.

Patsy: Ah.

What?

-Eddy, Eddy.

-Yeah?

-Eddy, this is very important.

-Edina: Yeah.

Don't ever make me a cup of tea.

-No, I won't... -No, no, Eddy, Eddy, I mean, don't ever make me a cup of tea.

No, I won't, darling.

I won't.

I won't.

(BOTH SNICKER, LAUGH) What?

What?

What?

No, what?

What?

What?

-No, I've forgotten the word now.

-No, what?

-What is that word on your grave marker?

-What?

The words on your grave.

What's, what is that word?

On your...

Your epitomb?

-Your epitomb?

-Yeah.

What is that what you want on your, on your epitomb?

I want, "She was fantastic."

Oh, "Patsy was here."

(BOTH GIGGLING) No, darling, you can just have "Patsy Stone."

"Patsy Stone."

-(LAUGHS) Eddy, oh, Eddy, Eddy.

-Yeah.

-Eddy, wait for this, wait for this.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-"Eddy.

-Yeah?

-"Still no thinner."

(LAUGHS) Yeah, these are great, you know.

These are really funny.

We could sell these.

Sell them.

Darling, darling, darling.

(LAUGHS) For the bitch daughter... you could put, "The mingiest..." No, no!

Don't say the "minge," don't say the "minge."

-Don't say the "minge."

-Minge, mingiest.

Coping alright?

I need a wazz.

No, no, not here, not here, darling.

Go upstairs.

Use the upstairs wazza.

Oh, so, you're home, then, are you?

What a pleasure, hmm?

I'm not arguing with you when you're stoned.

-Are you staying?

-Just tonight.

We can talk tomorrow.

Better change the sheets and that-- Don't bother.

I've done it.

One of the sheets was crawling out on its own accord in search of an ovum.

Darling, why don't you come home, sweetie, huh?

Huh?

Mum, what's the problem?

I have my life and you have yours.

This is what you wanted.

(SIGHS) It's just I feel orphaned, you know.

What's the matter?

Has the deal fallen through or something?

Not the deal, not the deal, not that.

It's just... -What?

-Well, darling, you've just sort of... You've just sort of abandoned me in this sort of wilderness of potential greatness and fabulousness, haven't you?

You know, all my walls have gone flop, flop, flop, flop.

And I'm just like this kind of prisoner that's released...

Released prisoner, darling, walking out into the squinting sun.

♪ The hissing of summer lawns... ♪ Yeah, thanks.

I mean, you've, you've cast me adrift with no oars.

-You've got oars.

-I haven't!

You have!

You're just too lazy and fat to use them!

You filth!

I, darling, am a fighter.

Yeah.

You are hyperactive and disorganized, that's all.

You waste time at the speed of sound and get what you want by shouting loud enough.

Bitch trog!

Yeah, well... Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I don't,I don't want all these things you think I want, the success and the deal and the...

I don't want this, I don't want... You know, I don't want this house.

You do.

I'm coming home at weekends.

Yes.

Yeah, well, that'll be alright for you, coming home weekends.

What, Edina Hotel, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That would be very convenient for you, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Oh, your mother's doing alright.

Everything's labeled.

Her career's going fabulously.

Coming home at weekends.

Well, it's not that-that simple, darling, you know, just weekends.

It's a bit more difficult than just come home weekends.

Huh?

I mean, you know, I, I need to find myself.

'Cause, sweetie, "I've been to paradise but I have never been to me."

Yeah.

I need to kind of, you know, see who's in there, who me be.

For God's sake, Mum, every year for as long as I can remember, you've gone in search of yourself.

You've done everything from wobble naked 'round standing stones near Bristol to circus skills in a tent on Clapham Common.

Edina: It's all part of a journey.

Saffy: You pulled tickets and got hit in the face with a plank twice a day.

Well, my knees froze.

I couldn't duck, you know.

There isn't a course that can help you find yourself.

There isn't a course in redemption.

You'd be better off giving all your money to charity.

Oh.

Well, I already pay for old people to eat cake.

Just start living your life and stop trying to find yourself fascinating.

I am fascinating.

You cannot become a better person through massage.

You piece of filth!

(SIGHS) I mean... Oh, well, you feel like that, do you feel like that, huh?

You feel like that?

Well, maybe I should just... Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe I should just go and, you know, like, live with people who understand me.

What, and sell the house?

Yeah, I-I might.

Yeah, I will.

Yeah.

Well, good luck, then.

I hope you do go away and find yourself.

And then do us all a favor and get lost!

-Sweetheart-- -Oh, leave her, Eddy.

-You didn't really mean it.

-Edina: No, I did.

I did.

No, you didn't.

This is great.

This is just like the old days.

Huh?

Me and your lovely Bolly, me and your lovely ciggies, me and your lovely home, me and your lovely life.

Yes, just like the old days, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-It's great.

Well, maybe I just don't want that anymore, you know.

Huh?

I mean, maybe I think... Maybe I... That me meant... To be somebody somewhere, you know.

Yeah.

I shall...

I shall go away, yeah.

-Away?

-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and find it, darling.

-Well, for how long?

-Well, Forever.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) You'll be alright, won't you, Pats, huh?

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Edina: (IN DISTORTED VOICE) You'll be alright.

Pats.

Pats.

You'll be alright.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (JARRING STINGER) Yeah, I'll be alright.

-I'll go to New York.

-Yeah?

I don't need you, Eddy.

You've always been just... -Pfft.

-What?

-You know... -Yeah.

I'm gonna be a bloody great success.

-Yeah, alright.

-Yeah, alright.

Well, I'll see you, then, huh?

Don't count on it, babe.

Oh, God.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)