(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Come on.

Come on, Bubble.

Try and concentrate.

I have important information I have to tell you.

I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week and I'm counting on you to cope.

Now there's only one thing that you have to concentrate on this week and that's the refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.

Refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.

It's very important.

I promised her it'd be finished this week.

When she said third-world chic, I was hoping she'd stick to it, but it took me hours to get hold of that flyblown mud hessian for her kitchen walls.

I mean, there is a nomadic tribe in the Northern African desert that's going to be traveling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina.

Also, when the wood arrives for her kitchen surfaces remember to stamp "Greenpeace approved" on it.

-Alright?

-Greenpeace approved.

Yes, and if the silk for the cushions doesn't arrive by tomorrow, then fax Calcutta and tell 'em to weave faster.

My God, what could they be doing?

Squatting inside the room, making chapatis for God's sake, and poor Bettina.

(WHISPERING IN FRENCH) Also, darling, I'll try and phone you from my mobile but I'm not sure that it'll work from France.

Well, even if it does, I'm not sure I'd understand what you were saying.

Edina: What, darling?

Well, you do speak French, don't you?

Of course I speak French.

Someone has been stealing from me.

(SIGHS) -Saffy.

Oh!

-Morning, dear.

God, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm coming to stay, dear, while you're away.

To keep Saffron company.

-No, you're not.

Is she, sweetie?

-I don't mind.

(STAMMERS) Saffy doesn't want you staying here cramping her style.

She wants a little bit of freedom.

She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music.

-And have orgies.

-Edina: Yeah.

A bit of snogging and smash the place up a bit and crash out on the floor.

-In a pool of sick.

-Edina: Yes.

I don't.

Well, why not, darling?

Why not try it just once, sweetie?

You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron?

She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large beanbag, cigarette in one hand, joss stick in the other with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face.

Come here, darling.

Come away from that woman.

Come here, I wanna speak to you.

I wanna speak to... Nice cup of tea.

Now, where would one find the tea bags?

We don't have tea bags, we happen to have tea.

-Oh.

-Come over here, sweetie.

I want to talk to you.

Come.

Come.

(EDINA SIGHS) Something has been stolen from my room.

What?

Just a little certain something precious to me, darling.

Have you seen this pot?

Where?

What?

(STAMMERS) Oh.

Teapot.

It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear?

A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before, to seek out new life-forms.

-I hid your stash.

-(GASPS) -Where?

-Down the toilet.

(GASPS SHARPLY) What might one use to put the tea into the pot with, dear?

A teaspoon.

A bloody, buggery teaspoon.

Ooh, a bloody buggery teaspoon.

That sounds rather clever.

And what did one fill the kettle from?

The bloody marvelous tap, I suppose?

No, we happen to have a filter here, alright?

Oh.

God, you come 'round here and make an endless bloody fuss.

This is my house where I should be able to do what I want.

If only people would let me get on with it.

So, I've been busted by my own daughter, have I?

Well... What am I supposed to do now, sweetie?

Well, what were you planning to do?

Slide it in the lining of your handbag?

Or insert it in some orifice for some dog to sniff out?

-(SCOFFS) -I mean I can't believe you were thinking of taking it with you.

I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home, in your bedroom.

Oh, well, sweetie, thank you.

How kind, darling.

It was for personal use.

You are allowed it for personal use.

Yes, Mum, but they would send you to prison.

Oh, darling, not someone like me, sweetie.

-Not any more.

-Saffy: Pathetic.

This filtered water boils very fast.

-That's because there's less of it.

-Ah.

I mean, they are illegal drugs.

You use them like most people have after dinner mints, to round off a meal.

Either you sniff something to make you speedy or smoke a little something to make you jelly-brained.

Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine.

Oh.

(LAUGHS) That is rich coming from someone who lives their life at a level of boredom that would make a battery chicken take up an evening class, sweetie.

Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system.

Is she insisting on voting Labor again, dear?

Oh, shut up.

I mean, you're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer.

As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability, -the evil will continue.

-(SIGHS) Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted.

Individuals will be killed, intimidated and tortured.

Psst!

(SHOOING) God, you've overdosed on John bloody Craven's Newsround again.

-(DOORBELL BUZZES) -Oh, that'll be Patsy.

Oh, I'll go.

Bonjour, sweetie.

-Oh, Patricia.

-Patsy: Oh, hello.

How nice.

Ooh, still no ring on that finger, then?

-Still no husband?

-No one special.

Eddy.

Oh, and you were always the one with the boys.

It seems so strange to me that Edwina should have been married twice and you still a spinster.

Oh, I don't know.

-Still blonde, then?

-Yes.

-Still managing to keep that up?

-Yes.

Is Eddy here?

Oh, yes, she's here.

Lovely old Patsy's here, dear.

-Come on, Eddy.

-No, no, Patsy.

Here's Saffy.

-Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy.

-Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy.

-Come on, Eddy.

-Bye, Mum.

-Goodbye, dear.

Take care of yourself now.

-I will.

-Now have you got everything?

-Yes.

-Be careful.

-Edina: I will.

Passports, tickets, condoms?

Edina: Yes, darling.

-(MURMURING) Forgot something.

-(LAUGHS) Oh.

You, remember, cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal reading, my shiatsu and my organic hairdresser.

And see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon.

Consider it done.

EDINA: And one of those, there.

Flight Attendant: Du vin rouge?

No.

We've got that one.

-And those two vodkas.

-De la vodka?

-(STAMMERING) This, this.

-C'est du parfum, madame.

Oui, one of those.

-And two champagne.

-(SPEAKING FRENCH) Du champagne?

Yeah, thank you.

What's in there?

C'est la poubelle, madame.

Yeah, we'll have two of those.

Vous desirez des cacahuetes?

Caca... No.

-Peanuts, though.

Peanuts.

-Oi.

Oi, peanuts.

Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch.

-Madame.

- ...moiselle.

Mademoiselle.

I'm having a really healthy week this week, Pats.

-I'm not eating and I'm not drinking.

-Right.

Fruit, obviously.

I'm just eating fruit.

Just eating fruit and not drinking.

-You can't go to France and not drink.

-Hmm?

The chateau we're staying at is in the middle of a vineyard.

-The air alone is 15% proof.

-Oh...

I'll drink just wine then.

Eat just fruit, drink just wine, and not smoke.

-That's good.

-Well, I'm not having sex.

-Are you sure, darling?

-Mm-hmm.

Positive.

Alright.

Okay.

Are we starting now or when we land?

(SIGHS) I think I can safely start now.

No, let's say when we land.

(KNOCKS) Edina: Oh, look, it's glorious, sweetie.

Wake up, Pats.

Look at this.

Look what you're missing, sweetie.

-Lots of... -Patsy: Mm.

Edina: Hang on, let me just cut this corner.

-Oh, it's gorgeous.

-Patsy: Mm.

Edina: Look at the little town.

Oh!

This is it, isn't it, darling?

Look.

Wake up, Pats.

Is this the house?

Patsy: (YAWNING) Oh, God.

Eddy, we've been down this road before.

That is the same village.

-We're going back and forth... -(EDINA SIGHS) Edina: I'm stopping.

Wake up.

Am I on the right side of the road or the wrong side of the road?

I can't go on until I'm sure.

Keep driving, Eddy.

You haven't hit anything yet.

This is here.

I should be on the right-hand side of the road.

Look, do you want me to drive?

Oh, well, so speaks the woman who's head has been lolling around like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey.

Just read the maps.

Get the maps.

This is Spain... Read the instructions.

"Leave airport, turn right..." Blah, blah, blah.

Right.

Now, get in, Pats.

I shouldn't have gone left, should I?

I mean... -(ENGINE REVVING) -(CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING) We're going back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

(SIGHS) Oh, God, I hate France!

I hate it!

Oh, God.

Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us.

That kind of knocks your idea of wild nightlife in Saint-Tropez on the head, doesn't it, sweetie?

(DOOR CLOSES) (EDINA AND PATSY ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) Eight hours!

Eight bloody hours.

-I mean, if you hadn't... -(ARGUING CONTINUES) We went in so many bloody circles, we might be ten minutes from Saint-Tropez now.

Edina: Well, I don't think so somehow.

The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back.

Patsy: Oh, it's gorgeous.

After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy, the local pissoir looked rather gorgeous.

-But this?

-Oh, shut up, Eddy.

-We want something to eat and something to drink.

-Oh, God.

(SCOFFS) Well, to, to eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried up pasta and half a packet of French toast which defies eating at the best of times, darling.

-Cockroach!

A cockroach!

-(BOTH SCREAMING) A cockroach!

A cockroach!

Cockroach!

No, no!

No, don't kill it, darling.

I'm a Buddhist.

I could come back as one of those.

God!

Oh!

-I think that one had a coronary, sweetie.

-Oh, God.

Insects.

Insects.

They followed me, those bloody insects.

Insects follow me everywhere, darling.

From Tuscany to the Caribbean.

Insects, insects, insects.

You know, usually we see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake.

You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner.

Never seen a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her bloody tiara.

No, they just follow me.

They bloody follow me.

I mean, a mosquito's never bitten you, for God's sake.

The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic.

Exactly.

Exactly.

God.

Oh, God.

I hate France!

I'm having a little trouble finding BBC, dear.

I've flipped through about 15 channels.

Hmm.

Well, you've got it on satellite.

Press that one.

Oh, no wonder.

I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off.

I thought, "This can't be Challenge Anneka."

Can I help myself to a sherry, dear?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, or shall I have a Japanese beer?

No.

-Edina: Dogs!

-It's alright, sweetie, I've got a lighter.

Edina: Oh, God!

That's typical, isn't it?

Whenever you go bloody abroad, the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm and all the bloody lights go out!

Well, that's typical, isn't it?

Oh, yes, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere.

-Sieg heil, the federal state!

-Patsy: Shut up, Eddy.

-Edina: God... -Patsy: What's the matter with you?

-We need a joint.

We both need a joint.

-Oh, God.

Well, I haven't got any.

Saffy flushed all mine.

The lot.

I thought you'd have something.

Well, I was counting on you.

I've only got some coke.

I've got some ecstasy.

Oh... Are you mad?

No one's taking that anymore.

(SIGHS) Well, I'm going to bed.

(COUGHS) Don't just leave me here stranded and...

Darling, there's only one candle, sweetie.

Careful here, we could come across a corpse or something.

(SPRAY HISSING) Well, I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, but this is a matter of human survival here.

Pats, why don't you go down to the village?

You know what we need.

I don't know what we need.

Yes, you do know what we need, darling.

We need, you know, milk and bread and, and cheese and little French things.

Go on.

Oh, look, sweetie, why don't you go?

No, look, I'll write it down for you.

Hang on.

Look, come on, sweetie.

Now, we need bread, pain, from the bakery.

(STAMMERING) The p-p-p... Pain-ery.

(ATTEMPTING TO SPEAK FRENCH) And get a few little vegetables from the grocery.

A few little things, darling.

Anyway, go on.

Off you go, darling.

-Oh, look, Eddy, you do it.

-Edina: Oh, no.

(PANTING) Alright, I'll go.

But if I go, you've gotta phone Saffy and Bubble and let them know we're here, alright?

I've tried.

I don't know the code.

Well, darling, what is it from LA?

Isn't it the same?

Look, it doesn't work.

And anyway there isn't a book.

-Well, just phone the operator.

-And say what?

Say, "What's the code for Ingleterra, for Londres," for God's sake.

-Look, I'll do it when you've gone.

-Ohh.

God, have you got some money, darling?

Yes, I've got lots.

Well, well, alright... (WHIMPERING) -Is that enough?

-That's about £500.

Um... -I've got cards.

-Yes.

(INDISTINCT) Alright, sweetie.

See you later.

(LAUGHS) Oh, God.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH) (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH) (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH) (COUGHING FORCEFULLY) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(POP MUSIC PLAYING) (CHATTER STOPS) I must be getting closer now.

Sweetie, when you get through, I'll ask Saffy to come and bring food, shall I?

No, we don't want her down here.

Why don't you just get her to phone up in French and order the food from Paris and have it sent down?

(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Psst.

-(WHISPERING) You go.

(MUMBLES) 0-1-4... (QUESTIONING INSISTENTLY IN FRENCH) Pats, Pats.

Come here quickly.

-(REPEATS QUESTION) -Oh, God.

(EXPLAINING IN FRENCH) (MUTTERING AND SHOOING) -Has she rung?

-No, what's the matter?

It's urgent.

Very angry man called to say she's to sign this or the work won't be finished on...

Uh... Doings' flat.

Well, can't it wait?

It's cutting it really, really fine if I leave it till she gets back.

In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning.

Oh, this sort of thing's never happened to me before.

Well, you've never done anything before.

I know.

I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing.

It's just so much work.

Well, she never would be told.

She's always had her own ideas about decorating.

How she could live in that room of hers at home, I just don't know.

Since she left, it's had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers, and when the light's right, I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring out at me.

♪ Purple haze all in my brain ♪ (TELEPHONE RINGING) ♪ Never the same ♪ Oh, dear.

(CHUCKLES) Hello?

Mum?

No.

How can you have malnutrition?

(SNIFFS) Ugh.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, God, it's that old man again.

You go, Pats.

He likes you.

He likes you, darling.

He fancies you.

You go.

Oh, thank God.

Wine!

Eddy.

Rosemary's baby's arrived with food.

(EDINA LAUGHS) Oh, sweetie!

Food!

Wine!

Hurrah!

Oh, God.

Hello, darling.

It isn't really what I imagined.

Oh, God.

Horrible, isn't it?

Oh, I like it.

Oh, sweetie, it's been a nightmare.

Look, have you eaten?

-No.

-Oh, good.

I'll do one of my specials.

I'll just throw some tomatoes and olive oil and garlic into a pan.

A sandwich would do.

No, sweetie, I'll do my special.

Come on, darling.

Can you hand me a frying pan?

Come on, Saff, give me a little-- (SCREAMS) Bonjour.

Anyone fancy a game of table tennis?

I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling.

What do you mean?

There's plenty to do.

We could walk or paint or play a game of table tennis.

(EDINA SIGHS) I suppose that's alright for some deprived kid at its first youth club.

-Or prisoner in cell block H. -Hmm.

-Bubble?

-Yeah!

I hope I can remember how to play.

(SHOOING) Bubble, have you moved?

Alright, you'll be a bush anyway, sweetie.

I got my green paint mixed up.

I've done you, Patsy.

You can go.

(SIGHS) It's lovely here.

(SIGHS) It's lovely, yeah.

How can you not be enjoying it?

It's so peaceful and relaxing, just walking and reading and playing games.

It's fun.

Fun?

Hmm.

I can see it should be fun.

I mean, I know it should be fun, sweetie.

It's... (SIGHS) It's like a secret that no one's let me in on.

You know, it's...

Your sort of fun, hmm?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

Well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village.

Alright.

I won't come.

(SIGHS) Pats.

You know that chateau with the degustation that we passed?

What do you think?

Edina: Mm.

(LAUGHING) Mm.

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm!

(SNORTING) Darling, don't snort it, just drink it, sweetie.

Oh.

Oh.

(GAGS) Ah.

(SMACKS LIPS) -Fabulous.

-Fantastique.

Now, which, which, this one, we've, we've tried this one.

I like this one.

Mm.

It's this one.

This is the one, Pats.

This, this one.

-This one.

This is the one, sweetie.

Yes.

-We finished this one.

-We tried this one.

-Edina: Yes.

Have we had this one?

Have we tried this one?

-What is this one?

-Edina: What is this one?

We haven't tried this one, I don't think, sweetie.

Have we tried this one?

-Mm.

-The other one?

No, this is the one.

This is the one.

-That's the one we like.

-This is the one.

This is the one we like.

This is the one we didn't want, that one, the empty one.

We didn't want this one.

-But this one... -Yeah, this is the one.

Both: This is the one.

-This is the one.

-This is the one we wanted.

This all, we didn't want this.

(SLURRING) That is the one that we had wanted.

(PATSY CACKLING) (GUFFAWING) Right, now, this was one and this was one and this was one.

-We haven't tried that one.

-This one.

Edina: And that box.

We're having the box as well.

(COUGHS) (GUFFAWING) Alright.

(BOTTLES CLINKING) (GROANS) Someone's taken the steering wheel!

That's Patsy's.

Hi, there.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Alright, so... (SIGHS) Right.

If you do the sky, I'll do the grass.

Alright.

Fancy a game of doubles?

No, I, I don't play.

I'm only gonna play if I can play with Eddy.

In a minute.

Oh, it's so stupid.

I mean, they've...

They've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces.

(BUBBLE GRUNTS) Oh.

(SIGHS) Come on, Patsy.

Well, at least you're not playing with this demented liquorice allsort with us.

Saffy: She's very good.

I'm in the game as well.

-You can hit it to me sometimes.

-Yes, alright.

Here you go then.

Pats, Pats.

(SNIFFS) Darling, wipe it, wipe it, wipe it.

(CLEARS THROAT) Wipe it.

No, look, look, let's stop and think about rules for a second.

-I'll keep score.

-Saffy: First service.

-First service.

-Edina: Alright.

Now hit it to me.

Hit it to me.

-To Bubble, to Bubble.

-Bubble: No, to me!

-(GRUNTS) -Oh, well done.

-Saffy: Lovely.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Edina: Everybody, stop it!

You're not allowed to play until I'm ready.

-Edina: Now you two are scoring, alright?

-Right.

I want you two to keep an eye on the score.

-What happened to that ball?

-Whoo.

-Edina: Game.

-Time?

Saffy: Um, 2-1.

Yes!

Oh, I'm broke.

Well, take another mortgage.

Don't give in.

What, on a "Get out of jail free" card?

Well, try.

I thought you were broke.

Where did you get all that money from?

-Don't question me.

-Where did you get it?

I borrowed it from the bank.

But you can't do that.

That's cheating.

Listen, you little stoat.

I own Park Lane, I can borrow as much bloody money as I like.

Come on, honestly, Saffy.

Try to get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie.

(TABLE TENNIS BALL BOUNCING) (SIGHS) Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign?

Oh, jeepers creepers.

Well, go give it to her now, there's still time.

-No.

-Go on.

You.

Saffy: Don't be silly.

Go on.

(EDINA AND BUBBLE SCREAMING) Get me to that phone!

Ingleterra.

Ingleterra.

Jesus Christ.

Pronto!

(QUESTIONING FRUSTRATEDLY IN FRENCH) Oh, he says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage.

(EXPLAINING IMPATIENTLY) The staff have been expecting us at the chateau a half-mile down the road.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Aw, he hopes we had a pleasant stay.

Listen, you little gonk.

If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you.

Drive!

Just drive!

Get in the car!

Get in the car!

Drive!

Drive!

(HORN HONKING) Patsy, get in.

Leave her.

Leave her, she's not quick enough.

Come on, sweetie.

(LAUGHING) I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous stopping me.

Look at the people they're letting through.

Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks, for God's sake.

Prescription.

Look, there is someone waiting just out by that barrier there to get this piece of paper, to save my reputation and career.

If he finds anything, Pats, you're on your own.

(INHALES AND EXHALES) Whose bag is this?

This is my case.

That's not my sponge bag.

Who packed this case?

Both: They did.

Sweetie... You better come with me.

(EDINA SIGHS) (EXHALES) You don't have to say anything.

I know.

If you had given me this piece of paper sooner, I would have rushed home and I wouldn't be standing here now.

It's not her fault we're here now.

I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here.

It means that, of course, Bettina's apartment won't get decorated.

It is the end of my career in interior design before it has even begun.

Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief.

Oh, God, I don't know why I just don't sack you.

Oh... (CRYING) Oh, don't be silly, Mum.

Where else are you going to find someone who makes doing nothing into an art-form?

I'm sorry, I had to say that.

It's alright.

I didn't quite understand what you meant.

-Is no one going to speak to me?

-Edina: Shh!

After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison.

Well, at least you got your table tennis practice in.

I need to see my lawyer.

I must be allowed to make that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me.

That won't be necessary, Miss Stone.

The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless innocent substance.

-(GASPS) -You're all free to go.

I beg your pardon?

You're free to go.

Be a bit more careful next time.

Oh... Just hang on there, I demand that you retest it!

Come back here!

I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff!

Don't tell me it was talcum powder!

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) But you've been diddled.

It's happened to us all once in a while.

-But it's not the money, Eddy.

-What is it?

It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping pong.

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)