VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... Why have I got such expensive taste?

VO: ..one antiques expert each... Oh!

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

Answers on a postcard.

Oh!

VO: ..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

VO: Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

Do you like it?

No, I think it's horrible.

VO: And who will be the first to say "Don't you know who I am?!"

Well done, us.

VO: Time to put your pedal to the metal - this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Yeah!

VO: We're in 1066 country for another epic battle: two fresh celebrities, each with £400 to spend, and making their first foray into the world of oddities and curiosities.

It's fellow actors and buddies Phil Davis and Frances Barber.

FRANCES: So Phil, do you think Battle was named before or after the battle of Hastings?

Well, my guess would be it was named after the battle of Hastings.

Unless they just thought 'well, let's attack there because it's already called Battle and that will be convenient'.

Job done!

Well we've known each other ever since the battle of Hastings, haven't we?

Shortly after the battle of Hastings in the late '70s.

VO: A friendship forged on the set of numerous TV shows.

But it all started in the 70s for Phil when he landed the role of teenage mod Chalky in cult movie "Quadrophenia".

PHIL: Everybody says to me "oh did you keep the parka you wore in Quadrophenia?"

I wish I had, sell it on for a fortune.

FRANCES: I know nothing about antiques.

No, I don't know anything about antiques myself either, so... Well, except I am one.

PHIL: But if you win, I'm going to poke you in the eye with a stick.

FRANCES: Like a... And I'll be the Normans and you can be the... what are they, Britons, or... VO: Frances got her break in the 80s movie "Sammy and Rosie Get Laid".

In her lengthy stage and screen career she's famous for playing fabulous, feisty females.

Do you have a strategy, tactics?

FRANCES: I think high camp.

I think it's all I know Phil.

Yes.

Well I better go for sort of farm implements.

Working men's stuff!

PHIL: Unless I can try and contact my feminine side.

Oh, you've got a feminine side.

I have, it's at the back.

VO: Frances looks every bit the glamorous leading lady being driven around in this 1974 MGB convertible.

Our thespians are on their way to rendezvous with two treasure super sleuths, Thomas Plant and Catherine Southon.

I'm taking you to the seaside.

THOMAS: Very famous part of the world, isn't it?

The battle of Hastings.

It's a bit like us really.

Together, these next two days.

CATHERINE (CS): You have got no chance.

I don't think I've got any chance at all.

VO: They've gone all continental in their 1985 Citroen Deux Chevaux, or 2CV to you and me.

VO: But it's proving to be a bit of a handful.

THOMAS: I think I'm in fourth.

That's first.

THOMAS: You can drive it, it's easy!

CS: Don't make out it's easy, Thomas.

I know what's going on in that mind.

What?

My mind is simple.

CS: I know that!

VO: Check out this dashing young man.

At home on the rostrum with a gavel in his hand is Thomas Plant.

With an eye for sparkle, he knows a thing or two about silver and jewellery.

THOMAS: I'm like a pig in the proverbial when it comes to things like that.

VO: But he can be a bit of a fuddy-duddy.

I really like mother-of-pearl.

CS: Sometimes it can be a bit old-fashioned.

Are you saying I'm a fusty, old-fashioned man?

VO: The blonde bombshell is Catherine Southon and she knows exactly how to get her own way.

You've got lovely eyes, has anyone ever told you that?

VO: One of her specialties is maritime works of art - if she can ever make up her mind.

CS: I'm a ditherer.

I really like something that you look at and you've got absolutely no idea what it is.

You can't go wrong with a bit of novelty silver.

VO: Well, this should be interesting.

VO: The forage for fortune takes a route from Hastings on the coast of East Sussex through the home county of Kent, finishing at an auction in Chiswick, nestled on the meander of the Thames in the London borough of Hounslow.

They're kicking off in the historic seaside town of Hastings.

CS: I think Frances is going to be hot.

She's going to go in there and she's going to see what she wants and she's going to buy it.

So what about Phil?

THOMAS: Well he's a lad, isn't he?

He's a bloke, you know?

He might not be so into - you know what I mean about...

I wouldn't call Phil Davis "a lad", he's a gentleman.

CS: You're a lad.

THOMAS: Thank you.

FRANCES: I mean, I'm just going to go with what I think I might buy someone who I thought liked antiques.

Yes.

So like Derek Jacobi and his partner, they love antiques.

Yeah.

VO: Her Christmas card list must read like the credits of a Hollywood movie.

If I was buying them a present I'd go "oh, Derek would like that."

Well you see, you're already up on me.

Not only do I know nothing about antiques, I don't even know people who do know things about antiques.

I'm at a severe disadvantage here.

VO: Oh dear.

Did someone say disadvantage?

The Deux Chevaux's misbehaving already.

CS: Go on, give it some welly.

THOMAS: Ohhhhh.

CS: You're rubbish.

CS: So what's wrong?

VO: Ouch!

CS: Oh Thomas!

VO: Oh blow on it, that'll do the trick.

Frankly they haven't got a clue.

THOMAS: Come on, we're going to have to walk.

CS: Walk?

THOMAS: Yes, walk.

You've got flat soles on.

CS: Which way?

FRANCES: They've found out who we are.

PHIL: Yeah, and they've done a runner.

CS: Hello!

PHIL: Hello.

FRANCES: What time do you call this?

THOMAS: Ah, well... CS: Sorry.

THOMAS: Thomas, nice to meet you.

FRANCES: Very nice to meet you.

CS: Lovely to meet you too.

THOMAS: Sir.

CS: So sorry for being late, Thomas killed the car.

So I think we're going to do battle of the sexes.

FRANCES: Oh, right.

CS: Well I'm very happy to be with Frances because I think she's going to be very feisty CS: and I think she's going to be fabulous.

The problem is, I don't know very much about antiques.

FRANCES: We're antique virgins.

CS: That's fine.

We are antique virgins!

PHIL: We're antiques, certainly.

THOMAS: Let's get in, come on.

They're cheating already!

That's not on.

Right, you wait, we're going to find the biggest antiques, the bestest antiques cuz of that.

VO: Not very chivalrous of our gents, who are making a quick getaway in the only car that works.

THOMAS: So Phil, is this your first foray into the antiques world?

PHIL: I'm a junk shop aficionado THOMAS: Are you?

PHIL: but what I mean is I don't know the value of anything, but you do, so between us we'll have it all covered.

THOMAS: There'll be a good cop, bad cop thing going on, I think.

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, how do you think the girls are going to get on?

I think they'll get on famously.

They had their arms around each other when they walked off.

Did they?

They did, it was very moving.

VO: Left without wheels the girls are hot footing it to their first shopping stop, but as Hastings is packed with antique shops up these little cobbled streets, they've got the advantage.

CS: Feeling confident?

FRANCES: No, not in the least, I'm just going to be led by you, Catherine.

Well, I was hoping to be led by you because I thought you'd have a very strong idea of what you wanted.

VO: The shop is aptly named Browsers, and with £400 burning a hole in their pockets, the girls are ready to spend and the owner Pete has a couple of furry assistants on hand to help sniff out the best deals.

CS: Hello!

FRANCES: Ohhh!

PETE: This one's Hugo.

FRANCES: Hugo... PETE: This is Hettie.

FRANCES: Beautiful!

PETE: Come on then, let the ladies in.

VO: Let the bargain buying bonanza commence.

CS: Gosh, where do we start?

FRANCES: This is where you'll see I'm not very good bartering.

I once was held hostage in Morocco and they held me hostage to buy a carpet.

CS: So you ended up - They wouldn't let me go until we bought the carpet!

Oh crikey.

FRANCES: I hate purchasing carpets as a result.

VO: Darling, how awful.

My nan had something like this.

FRANCES: I think it's quite ugly actually, it's depressing, isn't it?

There's something about the color that makes me feel it's not authentic.

FRANCES: It's just too... PETE: No... CS: As soon as you go in, she's "I like this, I like..." and I knew she was gonna be like that.

And she's really looking and really finding some fantastic pieces.

Looks like a deathtrap.

FRANCES: That looks nice, Catherine.

VO: Look out - Frances has spotted another little thing of interest.

CS: You've got good taste.

VO: It's an Edwardian oak roll-top stationery holder.

CS: Like, you know like one of those roll-top bureaus.

FRANCES: Yes.

Absolutely.

CS: And does this work?

PETE: Timber front, yep, works lovely.

That's very sweet, isn't it?

CS: It is nice.

Would you put your stationery in there?

CS: Do get a lot of fan mail?

FRANCES: Yes, I do, from "Doctor Who" actually, so I don't think I could fit those in, but as a piece of furniture I think it's really pretty.

VO: There's no ticket price on it so what kind of money is Peter talking?

PETE: I could do it for... CS: Could you be very kind?

PETE: ...50.

VO: Not very kind then.

FRANCES: Well what about if you did that for 40 and then the other one for free?

VO: Crikey, she's added a Georgian tabletop desk to the deal, but she hasn't even looked at it.

She's keen.

Both of them for 40.

CS: Look at her.

FRANCES: Go on.

She's got such a cheeky smile!

VO: Keep smiling, cuz it's working.

And I think she's one of these ladies that gets what she wants.

I don't think we ever argue with a woman like this.

VO: I don't think Peter's going to even put up a fight.

PETE: Go on then.

OK. FRANCES: Brilliant, Peter... PETE: Thank you ladies.

FRANCES: ...you're a very... CS: She's very good, isn't she?

PETE: She's more than good.

FRANCES: Here we - there we go.

VO: She's very, very good: two for the price of one, eh?

Top dealing and they've not finished yet.

Catherine's now spotted something that floats her boat.

FRANCES: Beautiful ship's clock.

CS: Oh!

Right.

CS: Does it work, that bulkhead clock?

PETE: Yes, definitely works.

CS: Definitely works...

He's got a smile on his face!

Never trust a dealer when they say it definitely works!

VO: This brass ship's bulkhead clock is circa 1920.

I wonder who might buy a timepiece like this at auction?

I know someone who'd love that, Tim Spall... VO: Hello.

...for his boat.

Have you seen his program where he goes round the barge?

CS: We're not selling to him!

FRANCES: I know, we're not selling to him!

Wind him up then.

Give me a demo.

VO: The clock has a ticket price of £170 on it, but it's seen better days and Catherine knows it.

CS: It is working.

If this was in tip-top condition it would be worth about £200.

It's not in tip-top condition.

CS: This is like a mold and this has all been repainted.

PETE: OK. CS: Horrid green color.

So you'd have to strip all this back.

I can feel a really bad bid coming on!

VO: You're not the only one.

So with that in mind, I'm going to let you negotiate, because you're quite feisty.

What about 99?

CS: No!

FRANCES: No?

No!

I thought I was doing really well there!

No you're not!

VO: It seems not.

25 and I'll walk your dogs.

VO: Oh cripes.

I'm not happy about that and they're definitely not happy about that.

VO: Try the cheeky smile again, go on.

CS: What is your very best price you can do on that?

I'll do £100 and you give the dogs a walk.

VO: Well, I never.

FRANCES: Come on!

CS: Come on... VO: Hold on, who's taking who for a walk then?

CS: You've got the wrong shoes on.

PETE: Take care of them, they're priceless.

VO: With the help of man, or in this case woman's best friend, they secured three items of treasure for their trunk, purchased for the princely sum of £140.

Now if Frances would only return the prized pooches, they can get on their way.

VO: Parking up at their first shop, it's time for Thomas and Phil's antiquarian bromance to begin.

They're in London Road, where shopkeepers Nick and Jill are ready to do a roaring trade.

Grr!

THOMAS: Is there anything that you're passionate about, you two?

JILL: Em... NICK: Making money.

JILL: Making money.

THOMAS: Making money... VO: Touché, Jill.

Phil, relaxing into his latest role as an antiques expert, has already got something in his sights.

THOMAS: Do you know the way to tell if these are in good condition - PHIL: I don't.

- is to look down each monocular but the wrong way round to see if they're all in line.

Yeah, they're both in line.

"Lieberman & Gortz".

VO: Lieberman & Gortz was a brand name used by a Brixton-based company called H&G - Headquarter & General Supplies.

Successful in the late 40s to 60s, they sold optical items and army surplus gear.

PHIL: It's got 22 quid on it.

That's a possibility, isn't it?

PHIL: Yes.

You could build up quite a nice lot actually.

THOMAS: That's quite a nifty thing.

Oh.

I like that.

THOMAS: You could buy the binoculars and you could put it with them as a little lot for twitchers, or for racing.

PHIL: It's sort of midway between a seat and a shooting stand.

THOMAS: Are you going to try it out?

Well you know, not bad.

You could, you could, you could do that.

I know.

The buttocks are not suffering unduly.

VO: It's always a worry.

THOMAS: Do you want to do some negotiation?

PHIL: No, you do it.

I bet you're really hard.

THOMAS: I'm not hard, I'm not at all, I promise.

VO: It's all an act, he's a pussycat really.

The twitching or racing set have a combined ticket price of £37, but Thomas is only offering £25.

PHIL: He's nodding over there.

JILL: 25 is absolutely fine.

THOMAS: Is that alright?

VO: First deal of the day done in double quick fashion.

But this shop's full of enticing items, so the men are browsing on.

THOMAS: Do you play cribbage?

PHIL: Yeah, I used to.

It's quite a nice collection.

THOMAS: This one is rosewood, with satinwood in there.

PHIL: Yes.

THOMAS: And it's in, and it's on a mahogany base, and you've got the pegs in, that's where the pegs would live PHIL: Yeah.

THOMAS: That's a 19th century one.

And then that one is just fantastic, look at that.

THOMAS: You've got the suits.

PHIL: Yeah.

THOMAS: I think they're rather fun.

THOMAS: What would you feel if we bought the lot?

How much would it come to?

That's about 100, isn't it?

VO: Nice try Phil - more like £128.

They are interested, but they're searching on.

I think he's pretty hot.

He seems to know his stuff.

And this idea of taking disparate items and putting them together in a lot I think is a good one.

PHIL: I feel a bit like I'm in a foreign land where I don't speak the language.

VO: Thomas has trotted off around the shop and found not one but two more items.

VO: A 20th century riding crop and a tribal leather swish no less.

That is lovely.

Is it?

It is lovely.

VO: Mmm, lovely.

THOMAS: Good sort of antler handle here.

(WHISPERS) In the right sort of shop, I mean that would be 50, £60.

(WHISPERS) What's it on for?

THOMAS: (WHISPERS) 12.

THOMAS: And then the tribal fly swat, you know, for your chief.

This is probably zebra.

Look at the leather in there.

PHIL: Yeah.

THOMAS: The toolmanship.

That's a good thing.

PHIL: And together?

THOMAS: Together, I think that's a good lot actually.

VO: The lads are quite taken with the whip and swish - ooh I say.

And they also want the cribbage boards, so it's time to find Jill and strike another deal.

THOMAS: We'd like the lot.

Have we worked out how much they are adding them up?

THOMAS: No.

VO: A dealer owns the boards, so Jill will need to make a call, but the whip and swish are hers to negotiate.

They have a combined ticket price of £27, but what will she let them go for?

Yeah, I thought 20 for those two would be alright.

JILL: Yeah.

And then I'll make the call on the cribbage boards.

THOMAS: Yeah.

VO: Well let's hope Jill's back with good news that won't make muggins out of them.

PHIL: What's the news?

£60 buys them.

THOMAS: The lot?

JILL: The lot.

Well let's do it, yeah?

Yeah, let's do it for 60.

Do it for 60.

Thank you very much.

JILL: Thank you very much.

I think our shopping's done here.

VO: The chaps have kicked off their spending spree in spectacular style on a sporty set of treasures: field glasses, a folding stool, a plethora of cribbage boards, a riding crop and swish, all for £105 of their £400 budget.

THOMAS: Thank you very much.

JILL: Thank you very much.

CS: We're along here somewhere.

VO: Catherine's taking our leading lady off the beaten track to a museum and working shop internationally renowned for producing artificial flowers and leaves for multi-million pound movies and theatrical productions.

VO: So this should be right up Frances' street.

BRENDA: Hello ladies.

CS: And you are?

BRENDA: Brenda.

Oh Brenda, nice to meet you Brenda.

Hello, this is Frances?

VO: Brenda has one of the largest collections of flower molds in the UK, consisting of 10,000 different species, so it's no wonder she's in high demand.

CS: Kind of a bit mesmerized at the moment by all of these flowers.

Lovely.

CS: This is incredible.

VO: Her flowery creations adorn the sets and costumes of West End and Broadway shows.

She works regularly with "Mamma Mia!

", not to mention Andrew Lloyd Webber.

BRENDA: We're known in this country that we produce the best leaves in the world.

CS: So what stage production is this for?

BRENDA: That's for "Love Never Dies", Andrew Lloyd Webber.

FRANCES: I bet you've done "The Winter's Tale" a few times.

Yes!

"Midsummer Night's Dream" and "Madame Butterfly" we specialize in.

CS: Of course... FRANCES: How amazing.

VO: Some of Brenda's film credits include "The Iron Lady", "Reign of Fire" and "Kingdom of Heaven", but there's one spectacular floral scene in Ridley Scott's "Gladiator" that most fans of the movie will recall.

FRANCES: Now somebody told me that you did all the flowers for "Gladiator", when all the rose petals went into the gladiatorial arena.

BRENDA: Very famous.

And the brief for that was we had to cover 38,000 square feet with petals, and it was filmed in Malta I believe, because - FRANCES: I was there.

BRENDA: Oh you were there!

Were you?

CS: Oh were you?!

I was there, because a friend of mine was in it and I saw that scene being filmed.

CS: Did you see them with all the...?

I certainly did, because I was trying to be one of the vestal virgins but they wouldn't have me!

BRENDA: They wouldn't have you!

VO: Brenda owns one of the largest collections of archive samples and tools of the trade, preserved in this working shop and museum.

Downstairs is where the magic happens and where Brenda's extraordinary working collection of cutting molds and machinery are used and displayed.

Wow.

CS: I'm sort of speechless.

FRANCES: So am I!

Your faces are amazing actually, just lovely.

FRANCES: I had no idea these things existed.

CS: Why would you?

I mean, you wear costumes all the time and you probably don't even give it a thought where some of these leaves on the costumes have come from.

FRANCES: I'm afraid I don't.

VO: Brenda and her assistant Loretta use the cutting machine and the various molds, some of which are over 100 years old, to cut out the leaves.

This is only part of the process.

Next door is a room dedicated to embossing or veining the many species Brenda recreates.

BRENDA: That's the job we've just finished, it's gone to the Met in New York.

God, they're so real, aren't they?

BRENDA: Right, So what we do, the operator puts it in there.

That's the top that goes on it, goes under there.

And out it comes.

That is incredible.

FRANCES: My God!

That absolutely does look real now.

BRENDA: So you can be a worker and you can vein some leaves.

BRENDA: Have you looked to see if it's going in the right way?

CS: You haven't, have you?

BRENDA: But she's got it in the right way!

CS: Oh, well done!

Fluke.

FRANCES: Now I failed my Art O-Level, I'm here to tell you.

BRENDA: (LAUGHS) FRANCES: And then I pull it back.

BRENDA: That's it.

FRANCES: Hooray!

CS: Well done, look at that, your first leaf.

My first veiny leaf.

CS: Now when you see these in the National Theater... FRANCES: I will know how much work and effort and love went into them.

FRANCES: Oh it's been wonderful, thank you so much.

And now I think we should drift off like leaves and have a glass of wine.

Ooh, lovely.

FRANCES: Thank you.

BRENDA: Bye bye!

VO: Bravo girls.

Ambling to their next antique emporium are the chaps, and boy, are they starting to feel the pressure of the competition.

PHIL: I do want to win, don't you?

Oh, got to beat the girls.

They beat you at everything else in life.

Indeed!

Yes, yes.

So this is our one chance.

This is our one chance.

It counts who's boss.

THOMAS: Anyway, King's Road Antiques.

VO: Feeling a little inferior perhaps?

Time to man up.

CHARLES: I'm Charles.

Charles, nice to meet you.

PHIL: Hi Charles.

Can we have a look round?

Yeah, please do.

VO: And what's this?

THOMAS: How much is the croquet set?

VO: Another game?

Oh boys.

THOMAS: 150.

I've never played croquet.

They say it's a terrifically good game.

THOMAS: Let's just check we've got everything.

So basically you've got to get through the hoops, haven't you?

And then you've got to end up hitting, almost like the flag.

Four balls.

They're plastic.

I mean, it's not the oldest thing at all, is it?

PHIL: No.

THOMAS: It's not an antique.

Do you know what the very best is on that?

CHARLES: It's only just arrived in.

THOMAS: Yeah, OK, well...

So I'll need to have a chat with the trader and see what I can do for you.

THOMAS: Yeah, have a chat.

We're going to have a look down there as well.

VO: The croquet set is made by Jaques of London, one of the oldest manufacturers of games in the world.

The company may be old but this set is definitely not.

What is its very best?

Can we do 130?

THOMAS: Oh no!

No, a bit less.

Let's go down to about 120 then.

I was thinking more like a two-figure price.

That would be my preferred figure.

I'll have another word and see what's the rock bottom best we can do for you.

THOMAS: It's just a good thing.

It's a wonderful thing.

But of course we're trying to make a bit of profit on it as well.

I can see why you'd want to... CHARLES: That makes two of us.

THOMAS: Yeah, I can see that, no, it does make two of us.

VO: Actually, that makes three of them.

The dealer who owns the set is in the shop now so Charles can consult him directly.

DEALER: It's only just come in today.

CHARLES: Yeah.

I mean, we'll - DEALER: I always sell them.

It's a lot of money.

They should easily get that.

Easily get it.

So I think there's going to be a margin in it for them.

Yeah, margin in it.

PHIL: He's a tough- looking cookie.

He's a tough looking... Pork pie hat.

THOMAS: That's leather, that pork pie hat.

PHIL: I ain't gonna mess with him, you're gonna have to negotiate.

You think so?

VO: Got something against hats?

See what you can do, Chas.

Charles, have you got bad news for us?

I got bad news?

No, no, I can move a little bit more, but it's not going to be the two figures.

No?

What's it going to be?

£100?

CHARLES: Do 110.

THOMAS: 110... CHARLES: If you couldn't manage to make a good profit on that, probably have to change the day job.

VO: Cheeky monkey.

It's time to hammer home a deal and Thomas sees a final opportunity to try his luck with Charles - and this is sure to work.

After all, us men have got to stick together.

(WHISPERS) Charles, we've got to beat the girls.

So £100, come on.

Everything at stake, is it?

Bring back that...

If we don't beat the girls, we're going to be so humiliated.

I mean, they win everything.

Don't they?

In life.

Yeah.

Apart from having to give birth.

But not this.

Yeah.

You can keep that one!

Keep that one!

100 quid.

100 quid... Alright, 100 quid.

Done.

Thank you Charles, we appreciate this.

VO: A man's got to do what a man's got to do and that's another item of swag bagged, leaving them with £195 left to splurge before auction.

VO: Meanwhile, these two treasure-seeking trailblazers are tripping the light fantastic to their next port of call, pondering their performance thus far.

CS: I'm happy with what we've bought.

FRANCES: Good.

Wonder how they're getting on?

Oh, I hope terribly.

I hope maybe they've broken down.

VO: No such luck luvvie.

The girls are here today at a shop called 'Gone Tomorrow', hoping to discover more precious oddities.

CS: Oh no!

FRANCES: This was my dog.

VO: Ruff - down boy.

CS: Oh really?

What was he called?

Smack.

CS: Smack?

Why Smack?

Louis Spence named him.

Seriously.

Cuz I was in a show with Louis, a man about a dog, a dog called Smack.

FRANCES: Oh, he's lovely, but I wouldn't have anywhere to put him.

CS: We're not buying for you!

FRANCES: Oh I know, I forgot!

Right, I shall shut up.

VO: Just the matter of the silly old auction to bear in mind darling, so you might just want to put that saucy little thing down too.

WOMAN: One of the pictures is of somebody spanking another person's bottom.

FRANCES: Oh, how fabulous.

It's one of the reasons I bought it.

(LAUGHS) A woman after my own heart!

VO: Ahem!

The less said about that the better.

CS: These are nice.

Aren't they beautiful?

VO: Catherine's attention is on something far more appropriate: a pair of wooden clubs with a ticket price of £100.

CS: Why are they so much money though?

PAM: Because a local businessman told me that he thought they were the ones that were used in the original Schweppes advert.

There was some guy in a suit juggling these things.

VO: Hmm - likely story.

FRANCES: It reminds me of one of those pictures of a sort of strongman in a circus.

In, you know, early Victorian-a, doing that kind of thing.

Do you know what I mean?

Go on then, show me.

Give me a pose.

You know, with the... Show me what they do.

You know, when they used to do those kinds of things with their legs, the strongmen in the circuses.

But what does that do?

I don't know what it does, but I know I've seen photographs of things like that.

Of people holding things like this?

I think so.

That's my best bet.

VO: She's such a thespian.

CS: What would you do on those?

PAM: Go on, offer me.

CS: We would probably go about 20, I think.

Cuz it's a gamble.

I mean, they're the sort of things that you just don't know about.

25?

CS: I'm not getting any feedback from my partner.

No, I'm thinking.

She's playing a silent partner!

No, I'm thinking that... that's very interesting.

VO: Very interesting indeed.

Frances' theatrics have obviously left an impression on Catherine and she's desperate for a little more background to the unusual clubs.

But who was the gentleman whose collection they came from?

It was his great uncle.

He was an engineer on the Titanic.

This is all I know but I believe it to be true.

VO: It's certainly a romantic notion, but why let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh?

What's the magic number?

Would you do 20?

22.50 I'll do.

I think that's very fair.

PAM: It is.

CS: I think that's jolly fair.

VO: Incredibly fair.

Thank you very much indeed.

VO: The girls' collection of curiosities is mounting and they still have over half their budget left.

Good work.

The battle of the sexes has begun!

VO: I know you want to beat the boys, but that's taking it too far.

So with two bulging bags of swag our dedicated followers of fortune can wrap up today's buying blitz.

I think the girls may be off clubbing.

Ha-ha!

Night night teams.

VO: It's curtains up on a new day in sunny East Sussex.

The Deux Chevaux is back on the road and before our teams take sides, they're reflecting on their progress.

CS: How was your day?

THOMAS: Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

We bought some fabulous items.

Oh, we... (SINGING) We're gonna beat you - You're showing off, aren't you?

No, no!

VO: How mature, Thomas.

PHIL: How'd you get on yesterday?

FRANCES: As an antique virgin...

I actually think we did really well.

I think we bought three lots.

We got four.

You did not!

We did, we got three in the first shop.

I don't want to boast.

Three in the first shop?!

Yeah, and I found one of them.

So, looking good for the boys.

VO: Don't get too cocky chaps.

VO: Our foraging females have so far spent £162.50 picking up a brass bulkhead clock, a couple of tabletop stationery desks and a pair of Edwardian exercise clubs.

They have £237.50 left to spend before auction.

Phil!

VO: So far, the wheeling and dealing men have forked out £205 on field glasses, a stool, a crop and tribal swish, a Jaques croquet set plus enough cribbage boards to choke a horse, leaving them £195 to splash out today.

The buttocks are not suffering unduly.

VO: Staying in East Sussex, the troops are heading northwest to a little market town called Heathfield, which has its very own Doctor Who: Tom Baker lives here.

Mmm.

PHIL: Morning.

THOMAS: Morning!

FRANCES: Morning.

THOMAS: What time do you call this?

THOMAS: Frances, you're still in the car, what's going on?

FRANCES: I'm not getting out.

No, the girls are having this car.

I don't look good in that car.

It's going to clash with my outfit.

I'm not getting out.

VO: You'd look good in anything darling.

THOMAS: Alright, OK, go on.

The women win.

This is the last time you're going to win!

Fine!

Let's go girls, go girls!

Good luck Phil!

PHIL: Thanks, and you Frankie.

They've won the battle, but they'll lose the war.

THOMAS: (LAUGHS) VO: I think the girls might beg to differ.

FRANCES: I mean the thing is, we've won a sort of moral victory anyway because we've got the car, which I think is only right, because, you know...

They had it yesterday.

They had it yesterday, it's as simple as that, but my worry is that when I get into the auction, I will be very competitive and very vicious.

I'm not happy with myself about that trait in my personality but I just, I don't know, it'll be there.

VO: Oh crikey - watch out boys, this lady means business.

THOMAS: Right, Toad Hall, here we go.

PHIL: Toad Hall.

VO: Time for the men's pursuit of riches to continue, and by the look of things they've come to the right place.

THOMAS: Oh my God, this goes - it's like the Tardis.

VO: Frances would be right at home.

Shop minder Caroline's on hand to help with all Thomas' unusual queries.

THOMAS: Is that a rowlock?

VO: Excuse me?

THOMAS: You put your oars in.

CAROLINE: It's an oar - THOMAS: They're called rowlocks, are they?

CAROLINE: Yes, possibly.

THOMAS: (LAUGHS) VO: They usually come in pairs.

Rowlocks, of course.

It's the chaps' final shopping destination and with plenty of plunder already purchased, they can browse at their leisure.

What on earth has Caroline got there?

CAROLINE: It's a sherry engine.

VO: A what?

I mean it obviously does the job it's meant to do without... PHIL: It pours the sherry.

Yeah.

It's a very good price.

I just thought you might want to think about it.

PHIL: I don't fancy the sherry pourer.

I hate the sherry thing.

Well you could just pour it yourself with your hand.

Yes, absolutely!

VO: I couldn't agree more Phil.

Thomas loves a bit of silver and he's honed in on a cabinet stacked with the shiny stuff.

THOMAS: Napkin rings.

Silver-topped cut glass jar.

This is silver.

Not worth a great deal just as a piece of silver, probably about 13 quid, but actually as a glass jar it's actually rather delightful.

PHIL: Toasting fork?

THOMAS: It is a toasting fork, you're quite right.

This is a Staffordshire porcelain handle, probably by Derby or somebody like that.

Silver plate.

Lovely handle.

Lovely handle pattern.

THOMAS: Yeah.

I can feel a lot coming on.

VO: I thought it was just the way you were standing.

THOMAS: You know, you can put the cake basket with it.

This is silver plate.

THOMAS: (MUTTERS) £65 - no thank you.

VO: Too pricey by far.

Get Caroline on the line to the dealer to negotiate for the whole lot: the 19th century silver cake basket, the silver-topped glass bottles and toasting fork have a combined ticket price of £116, but the chaps are pleading poverty - as usual.

THOMAS: Explain the dire situation.

We're very poor.

VO: Oh please.

THOMAS: That's quite a good lot.

Yeah.

You happy with that?

Yeah, yeah I am.

I love especially the fork.

The fork is good.

VO: I think we've established that they like the fork.

So what's the damage, Caroline?

CAROLINE: It comes to 116 and his bottom dollar, so I'm afraid there's no bartering, £65.

And I think that's really fair.

That is quite nice.

What do you think?

I think we should go for it.

I think it's a good lot.

CAROLINE: OK. THOMAS: We'll go for it.

Thank you Caroline.

Appreciate it.

Thank you for everything.

CAROLINE: Thank you.

THOMAS: Right, we're done!

VO: Hurrah - what a knockout price.

And with that the men's whistle-stop shopping trip is over and they've £130 of their budget left unspent.

PHIL: Fell in love with the fork.

You did!

Fell in love with the fork!

I did.

First time it's ever happened to me.

I'm a bit overwhelmed.

THOMAS: Right, come on, let's go.

VO: There's no rest for the wicked though, which means Catherine and Frances better get cracking.

FRANCES: So, do you have a particular strategy for today?

CS: Thinking sort of slightly smaller value things.

I mean, unless we do see something that is so fabulous... CS: A real whopper, yeah, yeah.

...that we can't walk away.

CS: I'm gonna let you negotiate because you are the best negotiator in the country.

I've never been able to negotiate in my life before!

You're brilliant.

I think I had a showing off pill, because I've really never been to do it.

VO: Oh I don't know, for a novice you seem to have taken the lead role.

They've arrived at their treasure trove and hopefully Auntie's got a treat in store.

For the auction, Frances, the auction.

(WHISPERS) You've caught me, I'm not supposed to be - that's rather marvelous, isn't it?

That's lovely, isn't it?

VO: Hm - she just can't help herself.

Right, I'll get something and then come back and buy it.

Right.

VO: Off you go then.

Catherine's drawn to a mahogany snuffbox, circa 1800, but these tiny bellows have an over-inflated price tag of £265.

So much for going for smaller-value items.

CS: Look at that.

Miniature bellows.

This is Georgian.

And it's just divine.

It's actually a little snuffbox.

Oh, it's a snuffbox!

CS: Yeah, look look look, on the back, that sort of slides open.

FRANCES: Oh, how amazing.

CS: I mean, that's just fabulous, isn't it?

FRANCES: That is beautiful.

VO: But who uses snuffboxes these days?

Frances?

I know Pete Townshend, you know, from 'The Who', he's a friend of mine and I don't know if he still does it but he takes snuff all the time.

CS: Does he?

FRANCES: Mm-hm.

Would he have something like that?

FRANCES: Probably in the shape of a guitar, he might.

No, it's absolutely gorgeous.

CS: I mean, it's beautifully made and it's got on it "forget me not".

The sort of thing you'd give to your loved one.

FRANCES: It is a proper love gift.

All I ever got was a traveling kettle, as a love gift.

Did you?

Oh that's quite sad, isn't it?

From a Frenchman though, but he did say "the kettle is a love gift" but it didn't make it any better.

VO: Sacre bleu!

With such a hefty price-tag of £265, Catherine needs to get her negotiating head on and speak to the dealer direct.

CS: 210.

You wouldn't go to 200?

Thank you very much.

Thank you, bye bye.

I think 210 was her best.

FRANCES: 210's too much, isn't it?

It is, isn't it?

VO: £210 is a huge sum of money.

Too much to risk.

Upstairs Frances spots a set of decorative horse brasses called hames, priced at £90 for the pair.

FRANCES: Now I just think these were the weirdest things, they're vintage harnesses for the carthorse.

Marked for the manufacturer I suppose.

CS: Where?

There.

Oh no, it says solid brass.

Oh, is that - See, I haven't got my glasses on, I'm so vain!

VO: At least one of you can see what's going on.

There's an incomplete pair of hames downstairs at only £26 and owner Nigel is happy to be drawn into a discussion over the price, and Frances is throwing in some familiar moves - look out.

FRANCES: I can hold them like the Indian clubs.

CS: You are amazing.

Amazing!

How much are they?

NIGEL: Smile at me nicely.

She's got the best smile on television.

NIGEL: Do them for 15 quid for you.

VO: He "hames" to please.

Oh, sorry.

Happy with that?

NIGEL: I am.

CS: Thank you.

VO: She's really got the hang of this negotiating lark, but there's still a little something that is playing on their minds.

FRANCES: The snuff box.

Your very shrewd instincts...

I don't like the way you call them "your", your things.

Well only because... That means you're just having nothing to do with them.

Only because...I'll tell you exactly why.

If you've never seen one like that then I think that is a very shrewd...

I love novelty things like that.

FRANCES: Exactly.

I think we should do it.

It shouldn't...it should not make a loss.

It shouldn't.

VO: The dealer wants £210 but to be sure of a profit they need a considerable discount.

Stop umming and arring and make your mind up, girls.

CS: If it all goes wrong... No, I'm not going to blame you, not at all.

VO: Go on, Catherine, knock 'em down on price, girl.

£200?

No, it has got to be 210.

VO: Or not.

Yes, go on, go on.

Grab the hand quick!

VO: Blimey, what a big price for such a tiny object.

They are really taking a risk on that snuffbox.

FRANCES: Oh, my gosh, look.

VO: Oh Lord, what now?

Oh, they're lovely.

CS: You're terrible, aren't you?

FRANCES: (SOFTLY) Ni-gel...

Yes?

VO: Watch out Nigel, she's fixing you with that winning smile.

These 1930s nickel plated binoculars are £13.50 and the girls have £12.50 left.

NIGEL: Do them for nine for you, how's that?

Shake on nine, thank you very much.

Deal done.

You're a lovely man Nigel.

Brilliant.

VO: And hey presto, they've spent almost their entire £400 budget.

They've got £3.50 left to get them to the auction.

CS: I can't believe we've spent so much money.

Oh, I always spend everything I've got.

Do you?

You're a bad influence.

Yeah, I've never gone shopping and home with change.

CS: Oh, really?

Oh, right... FRANCES: Never in my life.

VO: Now she tells us.

VO: Not sparing any horses, the chaps are taking the Deux Chevaux north into Kent.

They're heading to Chiddingstone Castle.

So Phil, how did you become an actor?

Well I wanted to be an actor from a very young age, when I was about eight or nine.

Before I'd ever seen a play... Really?

...or been to the theater or anything like that.

I mean, it's been a long haul, but as I've got older the range of parts that I've played has spread, but the first film that really kind of... was a big success was 'Quadrophenia'.

This was a film that everybody wanted to be in.

We're all great Who fans riding round Brighton on the scooters, absolute hoot.

VO: The shopping trip is at an end but the learning curve for Phil continues here at Chiddingstone Castle.

It was once home to eccentric bank clerk turned antique collector Denys Bower.

Jailed for attempted murder, his unusual story tells like a gritty drama that Phil might play the lead in.

MARGARET: Hello.

THOMAS: I'm Thomas.

I'm Phil.

Hi Phil, very nice to see you.

Come on in.

PHIL: Thank you.

VO: The castle still houses his eclectic collection of Japanese, Egyptian, Buddhist and Jacobean artifacts and trustee Margaret knows a thing or two about them and the extraordinary man who lived here.

THOMAS: Did he have plenty of money?

MARGARET: He didn't.

That was the amazing thing.

He began life, his working life, as a bank clerk and he used to go from branch to branch because he was always slipping off to auctions and so they sort of kept moving him on.

VO: Bower left banking, opened an antique shop in London and became a very successful dealer.

In the 1950s his shop lease ran out so he decided to buy a castle where he could house and exhibit his collection.

His Japanese collection is one of the largest outside Japan and includes an extensive range of lacquer objects, armor, helmets, and swords.

THOMAS: Look at this, a Samurai outfit!

I mean, that's so rare isn't it?

PHIL: It's not metal, is it?

THOMAS: It would probably be a lacquer.

Papier-mâché with a lacquer built up, and then fabric and silks.

PHIL: Yes... THOMAS: And they were meant to stop bow... and arrow, all those layers in there.

PHIL: He's got swords coming out of his ears.

THOMAS: He has, hasn't he?

VO: Bower was a Buddhist and believed he was the reincarnation of Bonnie Prince Charlie, which is one of the reasons for his keen interest in the Jacobites and the history of the Stuart line.

PHIL: He wasn't completely mad, was he, Mr Bower?

No.

I mean, an eccentric.

VO: So extensive and intimate is Bower's Jacobean collection he actually acquired the parts of King James II.

MARGARET: The little heart here, silver heart, that holds some of James II's heart, a piece of it, which apparently was quite common in those days, that after the death of a king people would... PHIL: Take a little bit... MARGARET: Take a little bit of it as a souvenir.

Rather gruesome, isn't it?

Picking up little bits of the king, bits of his heart...

Bit of hair.

Bit of liver...

Bit of liver.

Bit of pancreas.

No, just heart actually.

Is it?

Oh right.

VO: Bower was an obsessive collector and somewhat obsessive in life.

To learn more about the man, Margaret is taking them to Denys' study for an extraordinary tale.

MARGARET: He was something of a womanizer.

He had been married twice, briefly and then when he was 50 he met a young women of 19 who purported to be a countess from Monaco and she kept up this pretense for over a year and he became engaged to her.

She wasn't actually a countess from Monaco.

She was the daughter of either a Peckham bus driver or cab driver.

THOMAS: A good actor.

A very good actress, yes.

In my line.

And what became of her?

Well, she broke off the engagement and he was devastated.

VO: Denys took a revolver from one of his collections, went to the woman's lodgings and told her "if you're going to leave me, I'm going to shoot myself".

MARGARET: But I don't know exactly what ensued but she got shot and he then attempted suicide.

He was obviously a lousy shot or it was a lousy gun, I'm not sure which, but he ended up in hospital for a couple weeks.

He was arrested for attempted murder.

And for attempting suicide.

PHIL: It must have been a big scandal at the time.

Absolutely, a big scandal in the 1950s.

He went to prison, he was tried and he was given a life sentence for this.

VO: In the end he spent only four years in Wormwood Scrubs.

The sensationalist press coverage caught the interest of a solicitor who had met Bower once in London and considered there to have been a miscarriage of justice, and he took up his case and won.

THOMAS: What a great story.

MARGARET: It is, isn't it?

PHIL: Oh, thank you very much, Margaret.

Really fascinating.

VO: Denys was released and returned to the castle.

On his death in 1977 he bequeathed his life's work to the nation.

The ladies are also on their way to Chiddingstone Castle for the grand unveiling, giving them time to chat about Frances' glittering career.

This girl's worked with everyone who's anyone.

FRANCES: Gosh, I went to university with Danny Boyle.

Whatever happened to him eh?!

CS: Ah!

FRANCES: And we were, we were girlfriend and boyfriend actually at Bangor University, and then I worked with Mike Leigh, then I did quite a lot of movies with Stephen Frears and Peter Greenaway... VO: D'you know, they are going to need a longer journey.

But now it's time for our crusaders of curiosity to unveil their wares.

THOMAS: Da-da, da-da!

PHIL: Oh, what a surprise.

Oh my!

Look at that.

Are they for juggling?

CS: No.

They're for beating people around the head.

Well yes, we're going to beat you.

PHIL: Yeah.

CS: For sure.

FRANCES: They're actually Indian calisthenic things from a gymnasium, for exercise.

THOMAS: Oh...Brilliant.

VO: You've no idea what they are, have you, Thomas?

The most interesting thing on here which I want to pick up is that lovely treen bellows.

So this is... Oh, it's a little snuff.

PHIL: It's a snuffbox!

THOMAS: Isn't it sweet.

So this might have been made by somebody like a blacksmith going off to war.

Georgian.

It's wooden.

I know but still.

Forget-me-not bellows.

£100?

Oh shut up, no.

You know it's not worth that.

No, how much was it?

£45?

You know exactly what it's worth.

No, we know exactly what it's worth, but we want to know what you paid for it.

CS: You know that's worth a couple of hundred pounds.

£120?

CS: No it wasn't.

(WHISPERS) It was £200.

£200?!

What?!

VO: Actually Catherine it was £210.

FRANCES: So we've got to make a bit of a profit.

VO: More than a bit.

And then you've got two writing slopes.

THOMAS: Da da-da da!

There we are.

PHIL: Ah, look you keep your envelopes... THOMAS: Yes.

PHIL: ..in there FRANCES: Billets-doux.

VO: Billy who's?

Absolutely.

I couldn't agree more.

THOMAS: Very nice, well done.

PHIL: Well done.

Congratulations.

Actually, not very girly.

No.

I was expecting glassware and... Why do you think we would go for girly things?

Cuz that's what we've got.

We've got girly...

Right.

Underwear, lingerie.

Are you ready?

(TOGETHER) Oooh!

THOMAS: Well, this kind of has a theme of...

Sporting theme.

THOMAS: Yep, there's a bit of sport.

PHIL: Now, guess what these are.

FRANCES: Well, they're matchstick...Crabbage... CS: Cribbage boards... PHIL: You don't play cards, do you?

FRANCES: No.

CS: Cribbage.

PHIL: Yeah, there's a game called cribbage and this is a cribbage board and we seem to have acquired... THOMAS: Quite a few.

PHIL: Several hundred of them.

FRANCES: Blimey oh riley!

How much did you pay for that.

PHIL: For the whole lot?

£65.

Oh, well, there's a huge profit.

I mean some of these, you'll pay £60 for on their own.

Who did you rob?

We didn't rob anybody.

We tied them up and we gagged them.

THOMAS: Yeah and we beat them.

And you beat them with the horsehair whip.

It's a fly swatter.

Oh, the fly swatter.

It's what Idi Amin used to use.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

VO: Yep, they're all the rage with dictators.

CS: This is pretty rubbish though.

PHIL: No it's not!

THOMAS: What do you mean "rubbish"?!

It's a good set of binoculars.

So there we are.

FRANCES: So this is a cake - THOMAS: Swing-handled cake basket.

VO: What will they think of Phil's beloved toasting fork?

CS: Bit feminine.

VO: Oh dear.

THOMAS: So what do you think?

Do you think sort of quality here, and...?

What, you think dross over this side?

CS: Well, I think you should be congratulated because you've done extremely well.

FRANCES: Yes, you have, impressive.

CS: Well done Thomas.

THOMAS: Well done.

FRANCES: May the best team win.

VO: Well, I think they've been pretty honest to be fair.

But it's amazing how a little privacy can bring out the real truth.

THOMAS: I'm speechless.

Catherine has spent all her money on those bellows.

PHIL: Yes, that's the key thing, the snuffbox.

I mean, I think they'll probably make their money, but I think it's going to be really tight.

FRANCES: I wouldn't bother with the silver plate.

I wouldn't bother with the fly swatter thing.

CS: No.

Quietly confident, I think we've, I think we've got our noses in front.

Oh, I hope so.

Do you think we're gonna win?

VO: There's an optimistic couple.

The battle lines are drawn and it's time to advance to the auction.

VO: They're leaving behind the country for the big city.

Chiswick is a large suburb of London and it's also seen its fair share of war.

VO: The battle of Turnham Green took place here in 1642.

THOMAS: So Catherine, this is it, a very sad day - the finale.

No, it's not sad, it's going to be fantastic.

Whatever the result, we have had an amazing time.

It's been a good giggle.

PHIL: So how are you feeling?

I mean, are you nervous?

Do you think you're in with a chance of making more money than you spent?

I have to admit that I'm slightly anxious that we spent quite a lot of money on that little snuffbox.

PHIL: On the snuffbox, that's the dodgy thing.

My croquet set, and with weather like this... CS: You've got no chance, Thomas.

THOMAS: No chance.

But they may want to stay indoors and play cribbage.

PHIL: Croquet set's not really an antique.

It's younger than I am.

VO: It's nowhere near 21, Phil.

CS: We're going to walk out with our heads held high, holding our BAFTAs.

Hopefully plenty of cash.

VO: Cash is more likely.

VO: Busy Chiswick Auction is well-established, specializing in furniture, jewellery, toys and dolls and Oriental art to name a few.

They always draw a crowd.

FRANCES: Here we go.

CS: D-Day.

THOMAS: D-Day.

FRANCES: Hello.

CS: Hello.

FRANCES: How are you?

VO: Mwah, mwah - darlings, it's time for auction.

Are you quietly confident this morning?

No!

PHIL: No?

Well I don't care, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

VO: The gavel wielder at the helm expertly steering today's sale is William Rouse.

Has he spotted anything amongst the lots to tickle his fancy?

There are some nice lots in terms of the quality.

There's a lovely little snuffbox.

Whether it's necessarily going to make a big profit I couldn't be sure.

There are some that perhaps won't get that much excitement, for example there's a pair of rather ordinary binoculars which I'm sure will sell but they're not going to get any hearts racing.

I think Frances and Catherine are probably going to win, perhaps by a small margin.

They've got some of the more interesting lots whereas on the other team they've got more, maybe the phrase would be used, pedestrian.

VO: It's not the phrase they would use.

Catherine and Frances all but maxed out their £400 budget, spending £396.50 to make five lots.

25 and I'll walk your dogs.

(LAUGHS) VO: Whereas shrewd shoppers Thomas and Phil only spent £270 to make up their five lots for auction.

PHIL: Fell in love with the fork.

THOMAS: You did!

First time it's ever happened to me.

VO: The most hotly contended battle of the sexes the antique arena has ever witnessed is about to commence.

FRANCES: I'm really nervous!

I'm Mr Cool.

FRANCES: If we do really badly I'm going to auction my ring.

VO: Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

The men are first with the binoculars and stool.

Will this little sporty set get the bidders twitching?

WILLIAM: What's the lot worth?

Start me £10 for this lot, I'm bid 10... CS: Oh look, they've all got their hands up, they've all got their hands up!

WILLIAM: 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 25, £28 there, 30 in the red here, 32, 35, 38.

You are lucky.

WILLIAM: £40 in the red.

You all done for 40?

VO: A neat little profit, despite earlier predictions.

It's time for the girls to get in the game with the ship's bulkhead clock.

CS: I think you should give them one of your stares if our clock doesn't do well.

Yes.

And I'm straight in at £40.

With me at 40.

Come on, we need some more than that.

45.

50.

At £50, anybody else?

Careful now.

£50, anybody else want to bid?

£50.

VO: Oh dear, a rotten, stinking loss and a disappointing start for the girls.

PHIL: (MUTTERING) I'm trying not to smile, but I can't help it.

You're an actor, you can try!

VO: Time to stop your snickering and get your game faces on boys - it's your cribbage collection next.

They're very boring, Thomas.

You didn't choose them, did you?

No no, they're not, they're very interesting.

VO: To someone, maybe.

What's the lot worth?

Start me £30 for the lot.

30 I'm bid, thank you Chris, 30 I'm bid.

32.

35.

You all done?

Finish?

Is that it?

Harsh.

That is ridiculously cheap.

Is that it at £35?

I'm surprised.

VO: Who's snickering now then?

The gamble didn't pay off and the chaps also take a nasty loss.

I thought that they would go for a lot more than they did.

I thought they were beautiful.

VO: Next it's the natty pair of tabletop stationery desks.

The ladies really need a profit on these.

But I'm nervous now because we've lost so much on the clock.

Don't worry.

Don't worry about that.

It could be a bloodbath.

VO: Well that's a way to raise the spirits Thomas.

And I've got two identical bids of £55.

Well there you are, £15 profit.

60 in the room against commission.

In the room at £60 against commission.

Anybody else then?

At £60, it can be sold for 60.

£60.

PHIL: Well done.

Congratulations.

You made some money!

Yeah, but not enough.

Oh, shut up.

VO: Not a profit to write home about, but a profit nevertheless.

But can the boys get a cracking price for the riding crop and swish?

PHIL: I'd covet that myself.

Not allowed to bid for your own stuff, are you?

No, you can't.

VO: Not the done thing old boy.

WILLIAM: £20 for these two items, surely they're worth £10 each.

22, 25, 28, 30, 32, 35.

£35 I'm bid there, in the distance at 35.

Anybody else then?

Go on!

I can sell them.

£35 and going.

THOMAS: There we are.

Wow.

VO: Ker-ching!

And the chaps cash in, increasing their lead - marginally.

You bought cheap things.

We did, yeah, yeah.

Was that your idea, Phil?

Yeah, keep it cheap and nasty, like me.

VO: He's a big softy really.

The girls are desperate to beat the boys one way or the other with these clubs.

PHIL: How do you feel about them?

Are you confident about the clubs?

Have you ever done that form of exercise?

Of course!

Every morning!

I'm straight in here with a bid of £20.

With me at 20, 22, 25.

Well, there you are a profit.

WILLIAM: 28, 30, 32 in the room.

£32 in the distance.

They're selling then for 32.

32.

We knew, you see.

We knew.

VO: The chaps were close to getting one of those round the earhole if they hadn't made a profit.

CS: You didn't have any faith in those, did you?

I had no faith in them whatsoever.

You quite liked them though didn't you Phil?

What, the clubs?

Can we not have a postmortem about your clubs?

You've sold them, let's move on.

VO: And on we move to the boys' dazzling array of silverware and Phil's favorite fork.

We need a plant.

VO: You've got a Plant - or is he a fruit... cake?

I've got a mate who'd be perfect.

He's strange looking, he wears a straw hat.

VO: Is he talking about me?

He'd fit in beautifully.

Start me, £20 the mixed lot?

Oh, here we go.

20 I'm bid there with the lady, 22 Howard, 25, 28, 30, 32, 35.

Just keep going.

It's a good lot this one.

WILLIAM: 38, 40, 42, £42.

THOMAS: Go on!

WILLIAM: Are you all done and finished then?

WILLIAM: 42 it goes.

THOMAS: Oh no!

PHIL: It's a disaster.

THOMAS: All that hard work... FRANCES: (SNORTS) I'm sorry!

VO: Naughty Frances.

The boys certainly aren't laughing as they take another hit.

It's a complete - look, she's so...!

Shut up!

VO: But will she still be smiling after this lot?

It's the brassy harness and leather-bound binoculars.

WILLIAM: There we go, what's the lot worth?

Start me at £20 for this lot.

20 I'm bid, thank you Christopher.

22, thank you Justin.

25.

28.

30.

£30, it's with my original bidder at 30.

Wiped the smile off... WILLIAM: Anybody else then?

I can sell?

Tiny profit.

£30.

£30 is gone.

£6 profit.

Oh, she's very happy.

VO: Profits are small and losses are large for both teams.

With only two lots to go, it could go either way.

It all lies on the last two lots.

It does.

VO: The boys' big pricy lot is their last item.

Will they strike it lucky with the croquet set?

THOMAS: I've just seen the world's champion croquet player walk through the door.

If he is the world champion then he might already have his own set.

CS: Yes.

WILLIAM: I'm bid £75.

With me at 75.

Your orbit?

75, 80, 85, 90, 95.

With me at 95.

Go on!

100, I've got 105 as a last bid, do you want 110?

At £110.

Anybody else?

There will be a sale!

110, it's going to be sold.

Thank you.

The bus fare home, innit?

VO: Are the bidders getting younger or am I getting older?

With such a small profit, there's no clear leader and everything rests on the last lot - the greatly anticipated snuffbox.

It's make or break.

CS: As you love our little snuffbox so much would you actually have spent £200 on it?

No.

VO: It was £210, Catherine.

I'm bid £80 in the doorway, thank you.

£80 I'm bid.

85.

90.

95.

THOMAS: What do you think?

I can't bear to listen.

I think it's got legs.

£100 it is in the doorway, 110 there, 120, 130.

CS: Come on.

WILLIAM: 140.

150, 160.

160 in the doorway.

Anybody else then?

Come on, come on!

WILLIAM: £160 on the bellows.

At 160, all done, 160.

(SIGHS) God.

That is just so irritating.

VO: The girls' chance of success snuffed out in the end by the miniature bellows and the boys are taking the opportunity to rub it in.

Look at his...!

VO: Not very sporting.

So smug.

VO: So our celebrities started with £400 each.

VO: Catherine and Frances shopped till they dropped and after auction costs they made a crushing loss of £124.26, leaving them with only £275.74.

VO: Thomas and Phil only did slightly better, and after costs made a loss of £55.16, leaving them with £344.84.

Any profit made on the Road Trip, no matter how large or small, goes to Children In Need, except there isn't any today.

We both lost money, but we've lost slightly less, which means the boys are the winners.

But we both made three profits.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Let's look for the positives.

We had a moral victory.

Oh!

I think Phil's quite a good dealer actually, you've got a good eye.

I've got a wet head.

You're getting wet hair, aren't you?

Go on, get in that car.

Bye bye.

See you later.

Bye bye.

VO: It's time for the final curtain.

Take a bow, teams.

CS: It's been wonderful, hasn't it?

It's been great fun.

Do you want to get into acting now then?

No.

I have done my bit.

PHIL: I started off this thing saying I didn't know anything about antiques, and I've just realized that I still know nothing.

FRANCES: I've really enjoyed it though, have you?

Yes, it has been fun, driving around in this lovely old car.

FRANCES: We had a laugh, actually.

PHIL: Yeah, so did we actually, we had quite a giggle.

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