VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... That's the pig for you?

This is the pig for me.

VO: ..one antiques expert each...

Celebrities.

He's being silly on purpose.

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

I'm swimming out of my depth.

VO: ..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

Can't bear it, sir.

VO: Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

Do you like that?

I tell you what, it goes with your eyes.

Does it, yeah?

VO: And who will be the first to say "Don't you know who I am?!"

Cuckoo!

VO: Time to put your pedal to the metal - this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

Yeah!

VO: Lovely Lancashire: the staging post for this shopping adventure.

Graced with the presence of intelligentsia, packed into a 1969 MG-TF, each with £400 to gamble on purchased antiques.

Lovely!

CLIVE: Why do we love convertible cars in Britain, just to get the one... GERMAINE: I just love convertible cars.

CLIVE: Yeah.

I feel we should be doing some sort of detective series.

VO: He's the lawyer who made us laugh, the barrister who became a broadcaster.

He raised the TV chat show bar and never minced his words.

VO: He's taken this case no-win-no-fee, he's Clive Anderson.

VO: And this fine lady of letters has truly changed the world.

Cultural critic, writer and for many, the personification of feminism.

VO: She's an Aussie not to be trifled with.

She's Germaine Greer.

CLIVE: We get an expert to help us here, we get an expert each to advise us.

Would you take advice from an expert?

Or would you... GERMAINE: If it comes to making a profit, yes.

Because I know I know nothing about it.

CLIVE: All I was intending to do was coming along and say "oh, that looks pretty, surely somebody'll buy that", but eh, that's... we wanna know its provenance and its... GERMAINE: Buy cheap and sell dear.

CLIVE: Yes.

VO: Fear not, Clive.

We've pulled out all the stops to get you the very best expertise in the land.

CHARLES & CHARLIE: # Till we have built Jerusalem # In England's green and pleasant land.

# CHARLES: Can I just now say... we are ready for the Antiques Road Trip.

VO: I think it's going to be one of those days, don't you?

He's the man who famously turned £8 into over £2,700 with a broken ceramic elephant.

CHARLIE: Thank you very much.

Consider it bought.

AUCTIONEER: Two seven for the last time.

(GAVEL) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) VO: The leaner senior with an eye for the beautiful.

He's an auctioneer, he loves classic cars, he's got quite the singing voice.

# And I'll be in profit before ye.

# VO: He's Charlie Ross.

CHARLIE: # High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, BOTH: # Yodlay ee yodlay ee yodlay hee hoo.

# VO: And I know what you're thinking - someone's escaped from Thunderbirds - I can't even see his strings, look at that.

And how much is he?

Priceless.

VO: He's the fast rising auctioneer who's never afraid to take risks.

60 quid.

Add £25.

CHARLIE: 85?

CHARLES: Yes.

27.50.

Oh!

VO: He's dashing, he's smashing, he puts the CH into Chippendale.

He's Charles Hanson.

Yeah.

CHARLES: So Charlie, when you say feminism, you mean they... you know, the lady wants to be at home and be looked after by her husband.

CHARLIE: That is the exact opposite of feminism.

CHARLES: How do you mean?

CHARLIE: The feminist lady wants to have equal rights with the man.

CHARLES: The way I see it is it's nice in life to have a lovely meal on the table... CHARLIE: What, cooked by her?

Absolutely.

Waiting for you?

VO: Well, this should be very interesting.

GERMAINE: The one called Charles, I think is a total cynic.

CHARLES: Children brought up correctly by mother, father back in good time.

GERMAINE: He buys really horrible things.

CLIVE: Yes.

GERMAINE: Knowing that somewhere, some fool is going to pay a huge amount of money for them.

CLIVE: Yeah.

GERMAINE: So... CLIVE: This is clearly one you want to work with.

CHARLIE: I like your old fashioned standards.

CHARLES: And I say, in that regards, God save the Queen.

VO: It's time for our red blooded men of antiquity to meet their somewhat more forward-thinking celebrities.

CHARLES: Oh, look at this view Charlie.

CHARLIE: What a wonderful place to meet.

VO: But the day's barely begun and there's a slight technical hitch.

As usual.

CLIVE: Oh, there they are.

GERMAINE: Who, where?

Oh!

CLIVE: The experts.

Look.

CHARLIE: What's going on here?

CHARLES: Hello!

CHARLES: They've broken down.

Hi.

CHARLIE: Greetings.

CLIVE: We've thrown ourselves into the idea of an antique purchase by being in an antique.

Hello, I'm Charlie.

GERMAINE: Hi Charlie.

And you're Charles.

Hi good to see you.

Charles Hanson.

CLIVE: Hi, good to see you.

She's run off with a younger man.

CLIVE: That's a relationship made in heaven isn't it.

CHARLIE: Yes.

CHARLES: Right now... We look like two very dodgy people with our flashers' macs!

GERMAINE: What is this?

If you're a sophisticated Edwardian industrialist looking after a family in the Edwardian period, you'd impress your wife with this.

No, you wouldn't.

Why not?

It's supposed to be on a sofa.

Really?

But it's art nouveau, it's flowery like me.

Or were you just a prefect at a posh school.

GERMAINE: I think you're probably better with an older woman.

That's what I think.

I can't wait.

VO: So let's get our odd couples packed into the Beetle and out on the open road.

CHARLIE: Let's go to the seaside.

VO: Not yet, Charlie.

VO: Lancashire kicks off this competitive antiques quest, taking in the sights and sounds on route to auction in Northwich, first the celebrity nuclear family heads for glorious Eccleston.

Are we there yet, mum?

(YODELLING MUSIC) GERMAINE: So we're going shopping... CHARLIE: Yeah.

GERMAINE: With 400 quid.

CHARLIE: Yeah, each.

GERMAINE: So, where's the lolly?

CHARLES: I've got the money, don't you worry.

GERMAINE: Have you?

VO: On the outskirts of Eccleston, upon rich Lancastrian lands, sits the handsome Heskin Hall, rebuilt from the middle of the 16th century, changing hands many times as landed families came and together and fell apart.

But today, it's used as an antique shop, stacked to the rafters with aging treasure and stoically defended by the valiant Lynn Harrison.

VO: Stand fast girl, here comes the cavalry.

CHARLES: Look, main entrance is over there, guys.

CHARLES: So are you raring to go Germaine.

Well, I don't know.

Are you feeling the sense of antiques.

GERMAINE: Well, they usually smell of Antiquax.

CHARLES: (LAUGHS) VO: You might think it dangerous to have our celebrity intelligentsia and our old fashioned experts all in one shop and you might be right.

GERMAINE: Charles.

Yes, Germaine?

VO: Fortunately, there are two floors.

CHARLIE: Don't ever be put off entirely by the price label.

CLIVE: OK.

If something has come right to the dealer or they are fed up with it or they like the cut of your gib they might sell it to you cheaply.

Yes, yes.

Well I've got a very antique gib CLIVE: but I'm sure the cut of it... CHARLES: If we had to find an object that characterized your favorite piece of history what would it be?

Are you a suffragette lady?

The suffragettes specialized in dreadful embroideries and you just wish they hadn't.

But doesn't that characterize the female and needlework and embroidery?

I'm in favor of needlework and embroidery but it's got to be the real thing.

GERMAINE: For example, the whole arts and crafts movement is wrecked by the craft.

CHARLES: How do you mean?

GERMAINE: Wonderful buildings with terrible curtains and surface decoration and stylized roses.

CLIVE: What are these green vases?

CHARLIE: Noritake, Japanese, 1920s.

The Chinese are buying all their things back at the moment.

Yes.

How can we rely on there being a lot of Chinamen in the sale, in the auction?

They don't have to be Chinamen because it could be an English dealer.

People know this.

Exactly.

VO: We're getting ahead of ourselves here, gents.

First; talk to Lynn.

CLIVE: Now the main thing I've got to do is not to drop things like this.

LYNN: That would be handy.

CHARLIE: Have a look at the scenes, they are hand painted.

They're not brilliant but they're not far off.

But is anybody going to buy this, this is the thing?

They would buy them at a price.

CHARLIE: I would think that the saleroom estimate would be between 10 and £15.

Right, well they're on sale here for £18.

CHARLIE: It is not in my nature - although Clive is probably going to disagree now - to be rude to people with offers.

I would... (GASPS) Perish the thought!

VO: Well, don't perish it entirely, Lynn.

Stand by, girl.

CHARLIE: I'd like to buy those for eight quid.

CLIVE: Oh right.

Obviously at this stage we are trying to find something we want to buy at a price that allows us the prospect of making a profit.

OK.

The other thing is, if it is reasonably visual, if the first time... VO: OK chaps, you've laid it on thick.

Let Lynn call the dealer - and give her some space.

Gosh!

Oh dear, but all these things are so horrid.

GERMAINE: This looks like your waistcoat.

CHARLES: I am a flowery guy, you see.

Are you?

CHARLES: But remember... GERMAINE: I mean this is even pretending to be the base of an Italian candlestick and it isn't even that.

Yes, yes, yes, no, you're right.

It's that heavy baroque isn't it which of course... Yeah but it's all so fake and aren't there enough of the real ones around seeing as they were stolen out of every Italian church.

Correct.

VO: Sorry kid, you are on your own.

See, I can't see what it is but look there is a slight remnant of hand tinting on it.

Tinting, yeah.

It's dated here...

It should be a print there or there abouts after 1787.

VO: Ceres was a Roman god representing harvest and depicted here at one with the natural world...and with no price tag!

"She bids the kindly seasons swell the grain and the full harvests load the golden plain."

CHARLES: It's very sweet, it's sentiment, it's charming, it's quite... Rococo.

I thought your style was more...formatted.

You know, this is very pretty... You have no idea what my style is.

It's very pretty, you see.

VO: Best leave it at that, Charles.

If this was a turtle dove it would be pink but it should also have a little choker.

Yeah.

If you were a bird what bird but would you be?

I was about to say...

I was about to say a peacock.

CHARLES: Why peacock?

But I don't want to be a peacock.

Why?

GERMAINE: They're terribly stupid.

VO: Oh!

Anyway I wonder how much it is.

Hi, can I help you?

We'd like to know a bit more about this.

CHARLES: No price tag whatsoever.

GERMAINE: And nothing of the same kind anywhere in the building as far as we know.

LYNN: Whereabouts was it?

It was in the... Room at the top of the stairs on this side.

In the case, it's a fiver.

CHARLES: It's a fiver.

Thank you, we'll have it.

It's a fiver and that's our first purchase.

VO: Blimey!

That was easy...unlike the small talk!

Anyone else breaking the ice here?

CLIVE: Could we... Can we just, one for the viewers please.

CHARLIE: That is quite an impressive piece of kit isn't it?

Yeah (PLAYS ACCORDION) Are you a musical man?

CLIVE: Not really, keep squeezing.

VO: That's what they all say.

The first bellowed accordions were invented - not in Paris - but Berlin, in 1822, by Friedrich Buschmann.

These charming, popular instruments are what you used to see often being played on street corners.

It's also said that a gentleman is a man who knows how to play an accordion - ha!

- but doesn't.

I think they're great instruments.

Yeah.

When you hear them played properly, I think.

Wonderful.

You take your holidays in France, do you, and hear...?

I do.

My beret!

And my onions!

Sort of pavement cafés, and there's somebody comes round - "Ah, monsieur..." "I always remember people from your country during the war."

Yes.

"Your great grandfather saved ma bacon!"

Yeah.

CLIVE: "There are a lot of children in the village that look just like you!"

VO: Well, it's been a very "good moaning" so far, but now it's time for our two brash British airmen to go and haggle.

Pay attention, Lynn - zey may say zis only once, yaw, yaw.

CHARLIE: Now, Lynn.

LYNN: Hi.

CLIVE: Have we got any..?

CHARLIE: Can I ask a question?

CHARLIE: There was a squeeze box with a funny box.

LYNN: Squeeze box?

£30, for the very best.

CLIVE: £30.

That's very... That's quite interesting.

Yeah.

CHARLIE: What was the verdict on the Noritake?

LYNN: The Noritake can do for 10.

Well...well, we could go crazy.

We'd get the Noritak... How do we pron..?

Nori-tak-ee?

Nori-tak-ee.

CLIVE: I gotta... CHARLIE: Japanese.

I gotta get confident in my pronunciation.

You're gonna show us the money?

We can't show you quite as much as you wanna see!

LYNN: Drat!

No, but we could show you a good time!

VO: That's quite enough, chaps!

You've got the vases for £10, so what'll it be for the accordion?

LYNN: Eh, but I... CHARLIE: If we said... What about 25?

Am I... am I now compromising..?

I'd still...

I'd still buy it 25, at a pinch.

Em... Hm.

I'd go for 28.

I'd give her it.

I'd go...I'm desperate to buy something.

I don't...I don't want to turn up with nothing to sell at this, uh, thing!

Em... That's 28 for that... LYNN: Yep.

..and 10 for the Noritake?

CLIVE: Yeah.

LYNN: Yep.

CHARLIE: Oh, no how..?

(LAUGHS) CLIVE: That's 38.

CHARLIE: But we don't have to agree!

Melt into Lynn's arms!

Oh, OK!

No problem, gents.

CLIVE: 28 and 10.

CLIVE: 28 and 10.

LYNN: OK. Now, I'm a bit like royalty - I don't carry money.

I have my man here.

VO: Mesdames et messieurs, we have a deal, and our two terribly charming hagglers can leave with their heads held high.

Better still, outside Heskin Hall, a wonderful surprise awaits.

CHARLIE: Well, I'm getting quite excited about this!

CLIVE: Well, you have to pull the starter out, OK?

CHARLIE: Ah!

Oh, what about that?!

CLIVE: It's a sporty little number.

CHARLIE: Yes, isn't it?

VO: Meanwhile, back inside, we've got unfinished business.

GERMAINE: Ooh... CHARLES: I'm finding it quite difficult to actually...create chemistry with Germaine.

We...we have a bond but at the moment I can't work out her interest in what she wants, how she wants it... GERMAINE: Caviar spoons... CHARLES: But I'm sure as she becomes a lady, I'll become the gentleman, we'll work things out.

VO: Oh dear, Charles - I really do feel here you could be out of your depth, old fruit.

GERMAINE: Look at this.

I noticed the dragonflies, beautifully engraved.

It's like a squat fruit stand or some sort of fruit bowl, and I suspect it's Aesthetic, isn't it?

Eh, turn of the century latest, I think.

CHARLES: Absolutely.

You like it, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's a good sign.

If you have a passion for an object, I always say it's a sure sign that'll do well at auction.

CHARLES: If you could offer something in the order of £15 or £20 or £25 at the very most... Oh, I'll feel rubbish if I do that!

You do that.

Really?

You're the dealer.

Really?

Oh... You go cheapen it - you go cheapen it.

OK. Come with me.

Alright.

VO: You're in safe hands, Germaine.

If there's one man who can negotiate, then that man is Charles Hanson!

Watch out!

CHARLES: Lynn, we quite like this bowl.

Well, I do too.

GERMAINE: But we think it's probably been waiting for someone to see it for quite a long time.

I can do you for 35.

How about that?

Lynn, Lynn, look at me.

(ROCK GUITAR RIFF AND DRUMS) No, it just doesn't...it just doesn't... GERMAINE: Nor me.

CHARLES: Oh, Lynn!

Oh, don't say that!

No sorry, it just doesn't do it... CHARLES: That's killed it!

LYNN: Not even the waistcoat does it, no.

VO: Your powers of charm are clearly failing, Charles.

Either that or the waistcoat really is too bright!

I think in the cold light of day, at auction, it's probably worth £30, so for us to... Are we gonna gamble?

..actually go some... Well, you know what?

Girl power and all of that, you know, It Girl... Well, tell you what, for girl power, 25.

GERMAINE: Oh, thank you!

CHARLES: Thanks, Lynn.

OK. VO: What a wonderful first shop!

As we bid Heskin Hall farewell, I'm confident this smoldering working relationship will soon ignite.

CHARLES: Don't you love England?

You know, the empire of the 19th century... GERMAINE: No, I don't think so.

I actually think colonialism was a...significant evil.

VO: Maybe just leave it, Charles, eh?!

VO: Onwards and upwards!

Our intellectual heavyweight and Carlos are heading just six miles northwest to the pretty village of Bretherton.

VO: Bretherton is a wee place that's just a little bit special, because back in 2009, it won the proud title of the best kept small village in Lancashire.

Wow!

VO: So, let's hope our couple don't disrupt the peace too much.

CHARLES: Did you have many boyfriends who could keep you happy?

That's not what boyfriends do.

CHARLES: But did you?

Boyfriends keep you sad - didn't you know that?

CHARLES: Didn't you have...?

Oh, get outta here!

Look at us two now, hey?

GERMAINE: You're not my boyfriend!

VO: Let's get these two safely into the shop, shall we?

CHARLES: Here we are.

VO: Really!

GERMAINE: Yeah, you're not a dog are you?

No!

I'm not a dog either!

VO: Well!

And what a shop this is - capacious, indeed, cavernous, and absolutely stuffed.

Presiding over the place is Aiden.

VO: Let's hope he's got the patience of a saint!

VO: God bless!

CHARLES: Oh, hello - this is a big area.

And this is one of the rooms.

CHARLES: Goodness me!

GERMAINE: Charles is a conscientious self-parody.

He doesn't mean anything that he says, which is fine.

CHARLES: Jeepers-creepers!

I'm probably quite wrong about him.

He'll probably turn out to have...some kind of mad passion that I haven't found.

VO: Well, Germaine, if you watch this show enough, you'll find out that Charles is full of mad passion.

He's a man with hidden depth.

CHARLES: Look at this!

Germaine... GERMAINE: I can honestly say I've never seen one of those.

Everybody's vacuum cleaner is what it's called - its trading name is "It Gets The Dust".

AIDEN: Patented, actually, in 1913, I think.

CHARLES: Isn't that wonderful?

That's the original wooden handle there, isn't it?

AIDEN: Yes.

CHARLES: And obviously, the action is by... AIDEN: Sucking.

CHARLES: You know, could you imagine doing this all day?

I mean, do you hoover for example... VO: Oh, Charles... ..at home?

Do you?

Yes, I've got a nasty little machine with eyes on it... CHARLES: Have you really?

..that I hate so much, I taped its eyes shut.

CHARLES: See, when it comes to domestic bygones, look... You've got the vacuum cleaner, and this here is titled The Universal Duster.

VO: Oh.

Looks like Charles has found a really quirky domestic twin-set here - hand-held, pump-action forerunners to today's electric vacuum cleaners... GERMAINE: Oh, it's sucking my hand, just a little bit.

CHARLES: Is it really?

VO: ..the large one at £55 and the little choker for £32.

CHARLES: You know, we live in a modern world now, don't we?

Don't we?

Would you stop...preaching..?!

Where...where you and I... You're beginning to really get on my nerves!

..are together, you know, we are equal in everything that we do, aren't we?

Do you like this lot?

GERMAINE: No.

CHARLES: No?

But I think we can sell this lot.

AIDEN: It's commercial.

I do as well.

That's a good investment for somebody.

CHARLES: Absolutely.

It's not.

It...

They're rare.

Only if you knock the price right down will it be a good investment for us!

CHARLES: Would it be feasible to maybe pay...em, £40 for the two together?

(INHALES) Ooh!

VO: Sorry, Aiden - Charles is literally never afraid to ask.

Look at his face.

I'd like you to beat the others, so between us, we should be able to come up to an amicable agreement.

CHARLES: OK. And the best price being..?

AIDEN: £45.

CHARLES: £45... No more words!

I command you to accept it!

GERMAINE: Please.

Sir, at £45...it's wacky, it's novel, and we accept.

And it's quirky!

GERMAINE: Thank you.

VO: So, a well-considered purchase there.

Perhaps Germaine will now start sucking up to Charles!

Ha!

Huh.

CHARLES: Aiden, is there anything else out the back or fresh in, which might just grab our attention?

I have bought today, earlier on, a very very nice gentlemen's traveling little chess set.

GERMAINE: Come in handy on a budget flight.

Cuz you haven't got room for a full size set!

GERMAINE: I think it's exquisite.

CHARLES: Are you a chess player?

No, I'm not.

Why not?

GERMAINE: Because... AIDEN: You might be now.

..I've never wasted time - I don't play any games.

VO: That's a shame, Germaine.

And this is a sweet little Victorian traveling set from around 1885.

But at £50 is it a strategic purchase?

Check it out, mate, hey?

Would you be prepared, Aiden, if it's come in today, quick turnaround, £20, done deal, sold?

Because you're such a lovely lady... Oh-ho!

..and I think you'd want something different.

Superb, excellent.

£20.

Yeah, we love it.

VO: Luckily, there's enough great stock here at The Old Corn Mill, that Aiden might not miss those rather good bargains - a solid auction arsenal to rival Clive and Charlie, surely.

CLIVE: If anyone had said to me, you know, 20 years ago, I'd be driving around the countryside with the author of 'The Female Eunuch'... ..in an old MG, looking to buy antiques... CHARLIE: ..in Lancashire... CLIVE: ..in Lancashire, I'd say "Oh, I..I don't think that's that likely, to be honest!"

CLIVE: We'd then choose to drive around a bit more later on, this time with a smoothie antiques expert - I think 'smoothie antiques expert' is your official title, is it?

CHARLIE: Is it?

Well, I think it's what you've given me.

CLIVE: Yes.

CHARLIE: I'm not altogether thrilled with it... VO: Thrilled or not, our smooth operators are taking their road trip into new territory, for an intellectual rendezvous - 38 miles southeast, in Greater Manchester, dontcha know?

CLIVE: So how do you get on with your fellow Charles?

CHARLIE: Really well.

CLIVE: Yeah?

CHARLIE: Really, really well.

CLIVE: He seems quite young to be an antique expert.

I'm not suggesting in any way that you're not too young to be an antique expert!

VO: Charles also has a fine head of hair!

Now, Charlie is taking this great mind, Clive Anderson, to the oldest public library in the English-speaking world, once a place of cerebral study for great historical minds such as Benjamin Franklin and Daniel Defoe, dontcha know?

Let's go somewhere quiet after that!

VO: Shh!

VO: First built in 1412, this former priests' college became the property of one Humphrey Chetham - a 17th century textile merchant.

Before his death in 1653, Humphrey bequeathed a trust for a library to serve all who sought knowledge, to rival the older, private libraries of Oxford and Cambridge universities, and attract the great minds of the day.

Today, almost four centuries later, Chetham Library is still open to everyone.

Librarian Michael Powell is the man to tell us more.

Please ring.

CLIVE: That gives you a clue.

(DOORBELL RINGS) CLIVE: Oh!

Nice mediaeval ringing sound!

CLIVE: Ah, hello.

Clive Anderson.

Thank you for having us.

CLIVE: These look suitably antiquated volumes.

VO: The library's oldest books date back to the 13th century - hand-written manuscripts bound two centuries before the invention of the printing press.

Today there are over 100,000 books, lovingly cared for yet available to all.

CLIVE: So people come in here and sit down and look at the books and... do you suffer from damage or anything?

Or are they...everyone respects the..?

MICHAEL: No, no, it's good... it's good in that sense.

VO: Chetham's Library's gorgeous wood-paneled reading room has been a place of quiet contemplation for successive historical thinkers.

However, this room was once the college warden's sleeping quarters, and in 1595, the new warden was a man with a great mind, full of strange ideas.

MICHAEL: A little book owned by John Dee.

Oh, the Elizabethan... well, the magic man... what do we call him?

That's right.

Well, he's a sort of astrologer and a scientist.

So he writes.... John Dee, 1556, and these are all his scribbles and drawings.

And we know...you know those are his scribbles, so..?

That's right.

CLIVE: Not added later, by..?

MICHAEL: No, no, we know what he writes and why he's writing this, so he's really using it from beginning to end.

It's really a book on distillation, getting down to essential things.

CLIVE: And why is it here?

Was he based in Manchester?

From the 1590s, he... the only job he ever had was to come as warden of what is called the Collegiate Church, what's now the cathedral.

So this room would have been his bedroom.

VO: John Dee had retired as adviser and official conjuror in the court of Elizabeth I, where he provided the Queen's horoscopes.

In the 16th century, the world of occult was taken pretty seriously, on a par with religion and proper science, by some nervous, powerful elites.

MICHAEL: This is a treatise of secret potions and remedies, and the main idea of it is that you conjure up the dead.

MICHAEL: It's not a good thing to do it, because, you know, conjuring up the dead is not really recommended.

CHARLIE: No.

And there are certain prayers in here just in case you conjure one up, how you get them to go back rather quickly.

VO: Yeuch!

Fortunately, Chetham Library evolved as an institution dedicated to sound knowledge and thought.

As great thinkers came here to study, two thoroughly revolutionary minds developed ideas that would change the world.

This desk in the alcove has the claim to fame in that this is the desk that Karl Marx used, so... CLIVE: Oh, really?

CHARLIE: Really?

So...

Yes.

Marx and Engels were here.

CLIVE: In Manchester?

Can I sit down?

Yeah, by all means.

Engels is...sort of just studied the condition of the working class in Manchester, which is a big attack on the capitalists.

CLIVE: Yeah.

The poor are being completely downtrodden and the rich are getting richer.

CHARLIE: Yes.

And Marx comes to see what's happening, in an industrial setting, really.

And they came here to sit at this desk and work on economics.

VO: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels met in Manchester, in 1842, whilst both men were developing their political and economic ideas.

Engels and Marx published great works separately but together wrote 'The Communist Manifesto', a pamphlet that inspired the Russian Revolution and the great political schism of the 20th century.

So they clearly knew a thing or two.

D'you know, as you sit here, you just can't help but being struck by the way the whole financial system is imploding and capitalism can't really survive.

Yeah, and that Marx was right!

Yes!

It's the desk that's making me think that way!

VO: So, Clive and Charlie have had a true encounter with history.

Radical thinkers and epoch-defining ideas have inhabited these rooms and volumes.

So as this day draws to an end, our teams can reflect on some tough economic lessons, learnt the hard way.

Night night.

MUSIC: EDVARD GRIEG "Peer Gynt Suite No.

1 - Morning Mood" VO: What a morning it is!

CLIVE: Well, I suppose this sort of car was built for these sort of conditions, weren't they?

GERMAINE: Well, I think they're meant to be in the golf club carpark, with a lady in a striped sweater... CLIVE: Yes.

GERMAINE: ..leaning against the fender, with a cigarette.

CLIVE: Well, I've got...well, I've got you here for that.

CHARLES: I wanna see the whipped cream of an antique, with a cherry on top.

CHARLIE: Oh, no, no, no.

CHARLES: I don't want all these knobbly knick-knacks.

CHARLIE: How dare you?!

VO: So far Clive and Charlie have spent cautiously; just £38 on two items: the hand-painted Noritake vases; and the art deco piano accordion.

So, they have a have a healthy £362 left to spend with confidence.

CLIVE: This is all going horribly wrong.

We've bought a...

I feel us going down the pan.

VO: Germaine and Charles, meanwhile, have been terribly busy; spending £95 on four items; The Ceres engraving, the Victorian etched glass compote, and the by-gone domestic vacuums.

Plus the traveling chess set.

For a lady, or even a gentleman.

VO: So they have £305 to spend on anything they fancy.

You could always buy this, couldn't you, a little tin celebrating our great king and queen?

It's only £4.

GERMAINE: I had a very long, complicated dream about a Volvo.

CLIVE: Yeah?

GERMAINE: Which I've never owned, and never driven.

VO: Dreams will have to wait, as the auction is but a day away.

With work to be done, though, this road trip leaves Manchester far behind to make a beeline, 35 miles northwest to Preston.

CHARLES: You know, Charlie, when the rains come down on our great islands, as the bulbs and flowers and plants grow up, antiques are waiting to be discovered.

CHARLIE: They are.

CHARLES: You know... CHARLIE: Especially here.

VO: In 1732, the famous Richard Arkwright was born in Preston.

Creator of the defining Arkwright cotton mills of the industrial age.

VO: Preston changed rapidly and was visited by both Charles Dickens and Karl Marx to study the new working classes.

Today, the epic struggle between celebrity shoppers will leave its mark.

We hope!

CHARLES: They're here already.

CHARLIE: They're already here.

CHARLES: This is it, Charlie.

Come on, Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm wet!

VO: Well, control yourself.

VO: The Preston Antiques Centre is a whopper.

Three floors and 75,000 square feet - I kid you not!

They've even got vintage cars - but don't ask for them gift-wrapped.

This is a boudoir grand.

But it is 2,850 nicker.

CLIVE: Charlie, how are you doing?

CHARLIE: Greetings.

What have you found?

This is a magnificent emporium this, isn't it?

It's absolutely sensational!

There can't be an antique left in Preston that isn't here already.

CHARLIE: Oh, isn't that lovely?

CLIVE: That's sweet isn't it?

CHARLIE: It is sweet.

I don't know how old that is, but I would guess that that's about 1840.

CLIVE: Right.

CHARLIE: It's a sort of gut reaction.

CLIVE: Well, 110 is quite a lot.

I mean...

It's too much money.

..you see a lot of samplers around, don't you?

You do.

They must have done a lot in their time.

VO: From almost the end of the 17th century, needlework samplers formed part of a young British girl's education.

Most included verse and numerals and were framed and hung for display in proud family homes.

CHARLIE: If that could be bought for 40 or 50 quid, I would buy that.

OK. CHARLES: He's quite handsome isn't he?

Gosh, I like him, don't you?

Well, what's he made of?

CHARLES: Look at him.

He's cast iron.

GERMAINE: Oh, you know what this is, this is not only a pig, this is a special breed of pig.

VO: Oh yes.

He's a saddleback.

A saddleback money-box, and currently, he has no price tag!

Oink!

GERMAINE: He's got no genitals, however, and it's a bit of a drawback if you're a pig.

CHARLES: Could it be a female pig?

She's got no nipples either.

VO: Painful!

So she's also a female eunuch!

Look up.

CHARLES: Here's our lady.

He's got no price on whatsoever.

GERMAINE: And we're gonna keep our powder dry.

CHARLES: Yeah, I like him a lot.

VO: £30?

For an asexual pig?

As is her duty; Sue must phone the dealer.

GERMAINE: This I still don't like.

I sort of hate that.

He can do it at 50.

If you want to go to auction, with a good looking pig... That's the pig for you?

This is the pig for me.

CHARLES: I think at £50 we ought to buy him.

I, I think so too.

We'll take him and hopefully pigs might fly.

VO: In fact, it's time that's flying by on this last shopping day.

VO: Fortunately, Clive and Charlie have cut to the chase: they got that needlework sampler, priced at £110.

And a slightly scruffy Edwardian mantle clock at £60.

Now Clive must get busy haggling.

I may hand over to my expert negotiator here.

OK. Who's brutal.

I'd give you whatever you want for this, as you know.

CHARLIE: I think the sampler is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I would have thought your job was to obviously explain why we don't want them and how we're trying to walk away, and you're saying "no, no, have it for...have all three for £20".

VO: Clive, well, he won't negotiate, but boy can he delegate!

SUE: Well, what I will say on this one, because it's a bit scruffy... CHARLIE: I mean, it is scruffy, it's very scruffy.

How about 30?

CLIVE: I'm trying to get Charlie to allow me to buy this sampler, but he's resisting.

SUE: Right.

CLIVE: Can we go down to 50 for that, to persuade him, or is that...?

Yeah, we could go down to 50.

Is that... Are you sure?

SUE: Absolutely.

CHARLIE: 50 plus 30... SUE: Yes.

CHARLIE: Equals 70, yeah?

CLIVE: Stop it!

Joke when you're caught out in it!

CHARLIE: Thank you, darling.

CLIVE: Have you got a machine to test the notes?

I would just check them out, because he's got a bit of previous.

Come on.

VO: Well haggled there, Charlie.

And Clive, well, thanks for being there, mate.

CHARLES: What is in here that maybe you quite like, that I quite like?

I'm very much afraid it's that horrid lamp.

GERMAINE: Ghastly!

CHARLES: Yeah, it is.

It is.

CHARLES: If we want to dominate the auction, this is our prop.

VO: It's certainly eye catching and, well, big!

VO: A colorful ceiling lamp of Moorish design.

Wouldn't look out of place in a Moroccan souk, or a restaurant, but here it's got a price tag of £140.

I'm gonna head downstairs and see Sue, OK, and ask her what the best price is - with your blessing.

Ask her what she'll pay you to take it away.

VO: Oh, charming!

Gosh these intellectuals are full of suggestions aren't they, they're also a bit, well, off the boil.

What's the matter with them?

I'm a bit sick and I've been a bit wet and a bit cold and I can't talk to anybody because I'm crawling with germs and just a leper, a cold miserable leper.

VO: OK, back to the lamp.

CHARLES: I've got big arms, I'm a strong man.

I can uplift it and I can give this pitch and give the man some space back.

CHARLES: What's so funny?

It's just the way you say things, Charles.

It's wonderful.

GERMAINE: I... What I said to him before was - ask her how much she'll pay you to take it away.

VO: Ah, someone's feeling better then.

SUE: You know the lantern, the Moroccan one?

It cost you £200 and odd, did it?

You'll only knock about 20 off then.

SUE: Oh, he can't buy it at that, you see.

No way, I'm sorry, he just wouldn't...

It sounded so promising at the start.

There is one place you could use that.

CHARLES: Where?

In a garden - it's weather proof, it's wind proof, it's ventilated.

GERMAINE: I think I might authorize you to spend £120 on it.

VO: Cor, has Germaine succumbed to Charles' love of risks?

Tonight, I'll have the biggest dream that that might just make two or £300.

Alright, that's enough.

I'll wrap my arms around it and we'll take it for 120.

Wonderful.

Thank you very much, Charles.

VO: And another peculiar purchase orchestrated by Charles.

Where can we turn to for a more traditional antique then?

CHARLIE: That's a bit of Crown Derby, which is quintessentially English but influenced by the Orient.

CLIVE: Right.

CHARLIE: With that Japanese imari pattern, it would be great to serve little bon bons on.

Yes, a bon bon dish.

Yes, a little bon bon dish.

And what's this little bon bon price.

It's £85.

It's, it's...

But that's not ridiculous, it really isn't if it's perfect.

VO: Imari is a port in Japan from whence vast quantities of porcelain were exported to Britain.

Our plucky bone China manufacturers would do their best to imitate these designs.

Now, we've had the best of Sue today, so let's drag out Paul.

I mean my view is it would probably sell in the order of £50 at auction.

CLIVE: Right.

CHARLIE: What would be your...

The very best on that would be £40.

That is a seriously tempting offer.

Seriously tempting offer.

OK. Well, I feel I'm deferring to you on this, because this attracted your eye.

Yeah, I've got nothing more to say than here's 40 quid.

Excellent, you're so keen on this.

I see a profit in there.

CLIVE: Yeah?

I really do.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much.

That's very kind of you.

VO: Well done, both our experts bargained hard today and our celebrities - well, they just looked pretty, didn't they?

GERMAINE: I'm not bothered about age.

CHARLES: Without age, we can't call objects antiques or collectables or... And you certainly can't call that lamp an antique?

CHARLES: But it has an iconic look.

VO: Poor Germaine has not been feeling her best, so for a little treat, Charles is taking this fine lady away from the pressures of Preston 23 miles east to Rossendale.

GERMAINE: Where are we going?

VO: Well, somewhere we'll find a glorious testament to Britain's working women and men.

The Helmshore Mill textile museum is a time capsule of the beginning and end of the industrial revolution.

VO: Here to fill in the gap, is current museum manager Louise Jacobson.

Hi, Lou Lou.

I'm glad you've made it here despite the weather.

That's the problem of the Rossendale Valley, it does rain a lot here.

Yes.

LOUISE: That's why they built the mills here, water power.

VO: The oldest wool processing mill was built in 1789 by the prosperous Turner family when the industrial revolution was only just getting going.

VO: Local sheep farmers were spinning wool at home and needed somewhere to process their cloth for market but raw textiles were not the only commodity brought to the mill.

LOUISE: The farmers in the area, it's not the most arable land, so they used to usually rear sheep and things like that and with the wool, they'd obviously card it, spin it, weave it, so they'd bring the wool cloth in but they'd also bring in the pots of urine from the cottages in the areas as well cuz stale urine is an alkali.

VO: Amazingly, the local urine was fermented until rich in ammonia, then it could remove the natural oils in the wool, allowing the cloth to be matted.

LOUISE: You actually got paid different amounts depending on various things.

They used to say for instance that Methodists had better quality urine, obviously, they were non-drinkers.

CHARLES: Was it by volume as well, of course, cuz Louise, by volume, I'm always best in the morning first thing.

VO: Enough detail, Charles, it's late in the day.

So once the wool has been soaked in whatever it was soaked in, the water powered hammers would beat it, ready for spinning, a fairly simple process.

CHARLES: Hearing the water behind us, this big water wheel, which is very visible, what was that doing exactly, going round and..?

LOUISE: Just powering the machinery.

CHARLES: OK. LOUISE: Powering the hammers.

GERMAINE: In this case, they're fulling hammers.

CHARLES: Right.

GERMAINE: That are beating the cloth.

CHARLES: OK, got you.

GERMAINE: Whereas before they use to walk on them.

CHARLES: And beating the cloth for the purpose of... GERMAINE: See this, this is the thing you're puzzled about.

Here is the spun wool, which is spun quite simply by doing that... CHARLES: Right.

Then that is woven.

In this case on quite a small loom.

And then this is what is fulled and that turns it into stiff, felty stuff.

I'm a man you see, I'm a man.

GERMAINE: Yes, but it's men who are doing this.

Yes.

LOUISE: They used to do the weaving back in the cottage industry.

It was men who mechanized the process as well.

Yes, exactly, that's more me I think.

Yes.

I'm beginning to doubt that Charles.

VO: The story of Helmshore Mill takes a dramatic change at the end of the 19th century.

Canals and railways revolutionized trade, wool declined and cotton became the must-have fabric.

VO: In the 1920s, a mill refit ushered in the very latest 20th century mechanization to process large amounts with fewer workers.

Hopefully it's not too complicated for poor old Carlos.

LOUISE: This is the spinning floor as it was when it closed down in 1978.

GERMAINE: And what relationship does this machinery have to the spinning jenny?

LOUISE: The spinning jenny started off with 8, 16 etc and improved like, numbers of spindles, the water frame did 96, this one has 714 spindles.

VO: Sadly, this huge, complex machine presented dangers to the mill workers, especially the ladies.

LOUISE: I mean, we've all heard the saying "let your hair down", back in the day, one of the common injuries with women was scalping because if you didn't have your hair tied up, it could easily get caught up in machinery, so they had their hair very, very tightly tied up while they were at work, some of them would even have tied up with a cloth wrapped around their hair, yeah.

And then, when they were on their day off, they would obviously let their hair down.

LOUISE: But the interesting thing I find is that a lot of people who used to work in the mills think of it fondly and some of them that have been in got horrifically injured while working in mills but they still talk fondly about their experience of working in the mills.

VO: Despite the long hours and the all-too-real dangers, the mills created prosperity and a close community in the area.

The Helmshore Mill museum leaves a fantastic historical gift for the nation.

Many of these mules were two decades old when the floor opened in 1925 and are still working 25 years after the business closed.

GERMAINE: I wasn't prepared for the beauty of this space, the rhythm of the replications and machines.

I can imagine it being rather hypnotic and rather fantastic.

Can we see it?

LOUISE: Yes.

VO: Watch your hair, Germaine.

GERMAINE: Oh, wow.

Wow.

So that's obviously the twist being put in.

LOUISE: And now it's winding on.

CHARLES: Amazing.

GERMAINE: So elegant.

CHARLES: It's ingenious, isn't it?

GERMAINE: Oh.

I love it.

It's more elegant than I expected.

It's quite an interesting fact, because you have something so delicate coming from something that's so...

I think you're right, it's big, it's industrial, it's that brute force.

Clearly it's big and manly.

Oh, phooey!

Phooey, phooey, phooey!

Thank you.

VO: Louise.

Thank you.

And sorry about him.

Wonderful Helmshore Mill is now another completed chapter in this celebrity road tripping saga, but before we find out whodunnit in Lancashire, let's round up the usual suspects to see who's bought what.

Who's going first?

We are.

Oh.

Oh!

CLIVE: What do you think about this?

CHARLES: Germaine.

This... You know, you squeeze this in and out and play it, it's a piano accordion.

CHARLIE: Yeah.

I know exactly what it is.

It's set with gems.

CHARLES: Yeah.

CLIVE: Semi-precious.

CHARLES: I think it's... That's obviously an emerald.

More semi than precious.

No, it cost 28 quid.

It didn't!

CHARLIE: It did.

CHARLES: You really have bought some real objects with a big capital A for antique.

I love the sampler, I love the clock.

CLIVE: What about this we've just bought?

CHARLIE: This box is absolutely charming.

VO: It certainly is, and sneaked in at the 11th hour.

Clive and Charlie secretly picked up this decorative Regency jewel box for a mere £60.

CHARLIE: Look at those birds... CHARLES: Yes.

CHARLIE: And butterflies.

GERMAINE: It's a bit revolting.

CHARLIE: No no, we like that.

It's almost a memory box, isn't it?

CHARLIE: Yeah.

But I love it Charlie, don't you, Germaine?

Erm, um... VO: Well, you could just say "yes", and be polite.

But never mind.

He's shown you his, Germaine, so now show him yours.

GERMAINE: OK, it's our turn, here we go.

Yours is an even more bizarre collection of...

He is a saddleback pig, and he's made of cast... CHARLIE: Made of cast iron?

CLIVE: Cast iron piggy bank, how... That is fantastic.

GERMAINE: He doesn't seem to be of either sex.

CHARLIE: Right.

GERMAINE: And when I examined the relevant area... CHARLIE: Which you would do.

GERMAINE: ..it appeared to me to have had some sort of obliteration carried out on it.

CHARLIE: Right.

CLIVE: Well, that does happen to farmyard animals quite often, a bit of obliteration!

VO: And, it cost them just £50.

What's next?

Now, this is the sort of thing you buy in a shop, and you take it home and you think 'why the hell did I buy that?'

The patent is 1891.

I'm not sure why he patented it, I don't think anybody else would have wanted to make one.

CHARLES: It's... CLIVE: What does it run off?

CHARLIE: Pump action?

GERMAINE: It runs off woman...

Exactly.

These are fine for a museum of domestic... GERMAINE: Well, we'll be on the phone, don't you worry, we'll make sure that a bygones museum, or the museum of female drudgery can have that and this.

VO: Well, after that affable, collegiate approach to each other's shopping efforts, is there anything left to say candidly?

What do you think?

I think we're in the lap of the gods, I think they're...their lots are strangely boring.

We like one of their things didn't we?

We like the pig.

CHARLIE: Yeah, you particularly.

Well, a pig is a sort of thing that if I was in a bric a brac shop or a junk shop, you'd be like "oh, I'd like to buy that".

CHARLIE: Quite a talking point.

Toss of a coin, who will win?

Toss of a coin, I think it is a toss of a coin, I think we'll win, though.

In all honesty, do you feel in our array of objects, I've served you well?

Yes, I think you probably have, you know.

We all knew, everybody who looked at the lantern knew that it would have caught your eye.

And I...my first instinct was no, no, it's just trash, it's utter rubbish.

You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, and then, perhaps you can.

Perhaps you can.

VO: It's taken Charles two days, but he's finally managed to charm the lovely Miss Greer.

VO: It's been a real journey of discovery from Eccleston, with the passing delights of Preston and Manchester.

But as Rossendale fades from memory, we head 45 miles south to Northwich.

CHARLES: Oh, honestly.

CHARLIE: Quick, Charles, we're late.

GERMAINE: Morning.

CLIVE: Good morning.

CHARLIE: Allow me.

CHARLES: Come on Clive.

CHARLES: We've literally got five minutes.

CLIVE: I know, I'm in a hurry.

Before the auction kicks off.

CLIVE: No time for chit chat.

CHARLES: No time.

CLIVE: OK. CHARLIE: Come on.

Cross the road.

CHARLIE: Steady.

VO: Northwich Auctions is a relatively new kid on the block, but valiantly serves the fine folk of mid-Cheshire.

Today's auctioneer, Peter Critchley, has had a look at our celebrities' purchases, and this is what he thinks.

PETER: The Crown Derby imari pattern dish, it's a nice thing, Crown Derby is always very popular.

And it's stayed fairly valuable.

PETER: The old fashioned hoover and the little old fashioned hoover, hopefully they didn't pay too much for those.

I can't see them flying today.

PETER: The accordion is not in the best of condition.

And they're very, very expensive to repair, we sell a fair number of these, and we've estimated that round about the £30-40 mark.

Some nice items there and some rather strange items, the lantern should do well, Moorish lantern, it's a huge piece and is still very popular at the moment, er, we should get well into three figures with that, I'd be very disappointed if we don't.

VO: And woe betide you if you don't.

There's Germaine behind this.

Our celebrity teams began with £400 apiece.

Clive and Charlie spent a brazen £218 on six auction lots.

But Germaine and Charles spent a less compelling £265, also on six lots.

But before we can really get going, Clive, does Charlie have news for you?

I've got some good news, and some bad news.

Oh.

Which would you like?

Bad, start with the bad news.

You remember our noritake vases?

Of course, yes, prime things, were they.

Yes, they are...

It is now a noritake vase.

VO: Boo hoo, broken in transit, eh?

Sadly, and the road trip rules allow for a mid-estimate auction price of £70 to be credited, so it's actually maybe kinda good news.

I'm reasonably happy with that.

Should we now go and smash up all our lots?

VO: Sorry Clive, the rest you earn the hard way.

Sit up straight, everyone - this auction is about to begin.

First up, one rather lonely noritake vase seeks a new home.

Start me at £20, start the bidding on the noritake vase at £20, please.

PETER: Start me at 20.

Start me at £20.

£20.

£20 bid with the lady, 20 with the lady.

Well done.

Well done.

Looking for 22 now.

22, 22 there.

25, 25, 28?

Oh, I say!

28, sir?

No.

£25 with the lady then, selling at 25.

VO: What would a pair make?

Not a bad start for Clive and Charlie, however.

As promised, the mid price estimate is going to be credited, so a cracking profit to begin with.

Yeah, but that was the broken one.

Now they're selling the one that's intact.

VO: Our new underdogs begin their fightback with their handsome Ceres engraving.

Start me off at £20, start me at 20.

£20 I have in the room.

20 in the room.

22.

Well done, great.

£20 in the room, maiden bid, £20.

Looking for 22, 22 anywhere?

£20 I have and I'm selling, £20.

VO: Good start for Germaine and Charles, but they must keep up the momentum.

Oh.

Happy with that?

CHARLIE: That's a good return.

Don't look so miserable, Germaine.

I'm not miserable!

VO: Could the pretty Crown Derby bonbon dish be next to do it for Clive and Charlie?

20 I have on the net, looking for 22 now.

25 in the room.

28.

28 in the room now.

30 I have on the net.

£32 I have in the room, 35 on the net.

Thank you net.

Keep going, net!

£38 in the room, £38 in the room.

VO: A bothersome loss that, but no great shakes for the front runners.

Humble apologies, we've lost a couple of quid.

VO: Now, can Germaine's domestic twinset suck up a decent profit?

Start me off at £30 if you will please.

Start me at 30.

Come on.

£20 then.

Start, £20 bid, thank you sir.

£20, 22 in the room.

25?

25.

28?

28.

30.

32.

32.

35.

38.

CHARLIE: What?

40?

£38, £38 the bid... GERMAINE: You don't need any electricity!

And we're selling.

VO: I hope we're not in for a night of small wounding losses.

This could be a long one.

That's disappointing, isn't it?

VO: Let's fire up the bidders with Clive and Charlie's late purchase jewelry box.

Start me at 20.

At 20 in the door.

22 on the net.

25, sir?

25 bid.

25, 28 on the net.

30?

£30.

30 in the room, looking for 32.

£30 bid in the room.

PETER: Sold.

VO: Gosh!

That's going to hurt.

Clive and Charlie's early lead is fast slipping away.

CHARLIE: I can't ½bear it.

VO: Could the underdogs get their day with the saddleback money box?

Starting the bidding off at £40.

Start me at £40.

CHARLES: Oh, yes.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

PETER: Who's got 42 now?

42, 45.

48.

Well done.

PETER: Still very cheap.

You could get loads and loads of money in it.

It might be full, you never know.

£65 bid.

70, £70.

£75 bid on the front then, any further interest?

£75 is the bid, I'm selling at 75.

VO: Fantastic profit.

It's a porker!

I said that was a good idea.

Splendid effort.

Yes.

VO: As team Anderson's needlework sampler awaits the bidders.

Good quality sampler, this one.

Start me at £50.

Come on, it's a lovely sampler.

£50 for this.

Start me 40 then.

Be worth 40.

40 we have in the room.

40 in the room.

They're going downwards.

It's a Dutch auction.

..bid in the room, looking for £42.

Gotta be worth more than that, surely, come on.

£40 only bid.

42 anywhere?

£40 a bid then.

Selling at £40.

VO: Oops.

£10 down on that one.

Sampler.

We were stitched up!

VO: He's got a good sense of humor.

Now, the traveling chess set.

Start the bidding at, er, £30.

Start me at £30.

30 bid there.

30 in the room, looking for 32 now, who's got £32?

30 I'm bid in the room.

Looking for 32.

32 in the cage, 35.

38?

40.

42.

45.

48.

50?

55.

£50 in the room.

£50 in the room, looking for £55 now.

£50.

VO: Fantastic.

Germaine and Charles are firmly on the up.

Superb.

Well done, well done.

CHARLIE: Superb, Charles.

VO: Can we bear the weight of expectation, as the chaps' piano accordion tunes up for auction?

£40 for the piano accordion.

Give me £30 then.

£30?

30 bid.

Have we got 32?

32 bid, 32 bid.

35.

38.

40.

£38 the bid then, selling at £38.

VO: Well, that hit the right note.

Finally, a profit for Clive and Charlie.

It's a profit, but I was expecting more.

VO: Still flying high though, the happy couple's glass compote next.

Start me at £20 for the compote, 20 bid... Come on.

Yeah, yeah.

It's estimated at 80-120.

25, madam?

25.

28.

28.

30.

You are rough players, you two, aren't you?

Oh, we are.

PETER: 38.

40.

42.

Look at this.

Magic... PETER: 45.

50.

50?

55?

55 with the lady.

VO: Ah hah!

Another chapter in this success story.

Now, time for Clive and Charlie's last hope.

Edwardian mahogany marquetry inlaid mantel clock.

PETER: It's one super clock.

Works.

Works.

Start me at £40.

This is a super clock.

£40 I have.

Well done.

42 on the net, 45?

45 in the room.

PETER: 48.

50?

You see, Clive!

I know.

50 in the room, 65 on the net.

70?

70 in the room, 75.

£80, 80 in the room.

PETER: Thank you, 85 on the net.

Who's got 90?

£85 it is on the net then.

£85.

VO: Very well done, gentlemen.

That great profit has somewhat turned the tables.

Half the reputation's back!

VO: So, all the pressure is now on Germaine's risky Moorish lantern.

Can it deliver on Charles' promise?

Right, I've got £80 bid, 80 bid.

85, 85 over there.

Oh!

85.

90?

90?

90 bid.

Oh!

There'll be a fight in the corner.

95, 95 with the gentleman.

£100?

£100 with the lady.

PETER: 110.

110?

110 no, £100 then, with the lady, £100.

No one got 110?

Go on.

PETER: Super thing.

CHARLES: It is, it really is.

£100 with the lady.

VO: Sadly, that loss has also lost the auction for our duo.

Not too bad.

I thought...

I thought you were taking it home, so I think that was alright!

VO: Our celebrity teams began with £400 each.

Germaine and Charles bought well, and fought hard to make a decent profit.

Our first lady of letters and her young man finished their trip with £412.16.

VO: But Clive and Charlie had Lady Luck on their side to make a more healthy sum.

They end this road trip with a thoroughly pleasant £428.82.

VO: Small profits, but profits nonetheless.

And all those profits will go to Children in Need.

VO: Thank goodness.

CHARLES: Very, very close.

CLIVE: Yes.

CHARLIE: It's too close, really.

We've made a profit, both of us, and the whole thing has hinged on the delightful fact that they dropped one of our noritake vases!

CLIVE: That was the best thing we did.

CHARLIE: The best thing we did.

This is your tactic, is it, you buy something fairly fragile, and then hope it breaks in some way?

Thank you, Charles.

It's OK.

I'm just pleased that I didn't choose too badly.

You did not.

Germaine, you're a great expert.

You're coming with me, aren't you?

CHARLES: Thanks, Clive.

CLIVE: Bye bye.

Bye bye, Charles.

CHARLIE: Well done.

GERMAINE: Bye bye.

Well done for taking care of my old mate.

CHARLES: Bye, Germaine!

Goodbye!

GERMAINE: Bye!

CHARLES: Charlie, I sometimes go to bed and dream about you.

GERMAINE: Oh, there's a weeping ash.

I grew a weeping ash and it un-weeped.

CLIVE: Oh right, it cheered up?

GERMAINE: Well what happened was... CLIVE: It cheered up with you?

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