♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ That's it.

In you get.

♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety... ♪ Wait, then cross.

-(horns blaring) -Queenie: Just run!

Run like the wind!

Ah, the annual cull.

♪ Preserving the old ways... ♪ Hello, Queenie, I've just finished my business.

I'll see you in the church.

♪ Preserving the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪ ♪♪ Caroline: Not a full 20-meter circle.

Five.

Lacking impulsion.

Six.

Wrong leg.

Oh, good change.

Six.

Resisting at transition.

Seven.

Not straight down center line.

Four.

Thank you!

Notes for rider: generous pony saw the rider through this, and gloves.

-Did you get all that?

-Yes, I think so.

Who had the wrong leg, horse or rider?

Horse.

-Horse.

-Mmm.

-Oh, come on, come on.

-(car horn honks) (sighs) J. Middlecott, 32.

Not straight down center line.

Oh, God, having a poo.

Horse or rider?

(cheerful music playing) Just my dry cleaning please, Megan.

You know, the black velvet quilted box jacket -with the three-quarter sleeves?

-I know the one.

A book of first class, please.

And this parcel.

Did you fill in contents?

Oh, come on now!

I'm not running drugs.

No, it's just a box of Contrast, a TV Quick, and a couple of pairs of protective underpants for Daddy.

-No postage needed.

-Pardon?

I'm going home that way later, and I'll drop it in for you.

You needed a bigger Jiffy bag, really.

(bright cheerful music playing) Marcus: Well, where's the rest of it?

What do you mean?

This is it.

Well, no, this is just the skin.

This is a pop-up.

It's like an all-in-one.

It's inflatable.

Well, why doesn't it blow away then?

Because of my weight in it.

Oh.

Hey, look, there's gotta be poles, there's gotta be pegs.

Rakey, get in there and see-- Pegs?

Pegs, what do you mean pegs?

Pegs, you know, metal things that you, uh, you-- you bang.

What, like wind chimes?

Tip: Vagisil lip bath, Pripsen worming pen.

It's not enough to just get the disease anymore, you have to get the T-shirt as well.

There, look.

A hemorrhoid with eyes on it!

-(Sal chuckles) -Aw.

So who are we waiting for?

Brenda Ridgeway with her recurring cystitis was caught behind the Calor gas lorry on the Fingle bends.

Well, if she's not here in five, I am off.

What have you planned for the weekend?

Nothing, I'm just chilling out.

I've got the house to myself.

Tash is going to Glastonbury.

So it's a long, hot bath, and then crack open a fish pie.

A hot bath and a fish pie, oh, you're a strange one.

Chuck in a few winkles, -and you are your own bouillabaisse.

-(phone ringing) Surgery.

Mm, it's your daughter.

Hi, Tash.

Spike?

Yeah, he's here.

We're using his arm for Yasmin to practice on.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Bye.

I hope you're paying him enough to be her pin cushion.

Spike, Tash says, "Can you get some tent pegs?"

Mmm, ye-- yeah.

Everything all right?

Come on, love, you know what you're doing.

Make sure your patient's at ease.

Are you relaxed?

Not really.

Okay, so got gloves on, swab injection site with alcohol in a circular motion, spread tissue taut with non-dominant hand.

Looking forward to Glastonbury, Spike?

James is going, as-- as a medic.

Oh, my God, he'll hate it.

He only ever liked the Strawbs.

Come on!

Keep going.

You'll never ever get an easier arm than Spike's.

Look, the holes are already marked out.

It's just like target practice.

My God!

What are you doing?

I don't know, but they do it on Holby City.

Sorry, can I just go back -to the-- the swabbing bit again?

-Yes.

Right, Brenda Ridgeway's here.

I've sent her into the loo with a sample jar and told her to muffle her screams.

Oh, my God.

Roll on, 5 o'clock.

(Spike screaming) (bright music playing) Have you parped?

-Pardon?

-Have you pooted?

No, I thought it was the dogs.

-The horn.

-Oh, I see.

We're different.

You parp, I honk.

-(horn honks) -Don't do that!

She won't do anything if you do that!

Kick her on!

Honestly, do you know the test?

No, I told you.

Beatie's reading it.

Oh, it's not even worth marking her, honestly, no.

You're supposed to be at walking trot by now.

I'm not trotting.

She's too scared.

20-meter circle!

Oh, Suzy.

I meant to ask you.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you look after the dogs and do the house this weekend?

Of course, I will.

Always happy to help.

Because John and I are going to Glastonbury.

Because, you know, our son Mikey, who's in the... -Rock band.

-...rock band is headlining.

I'm not doing it!

She's too scared, she's gonna take off, and I feel really insecure!

When the dogs go out, make sure they do all their business, and then separate them, please, when they come back in.

Over there!

What are you doing?

Kick her on!

Yeah, well, your horse is a whore!

I'm putting you on Facebook for being crap!

Put that away!

Ridiculous.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to take over.

Right, get off her!

Get off!

Oh.

(bright music playing) Suzy-- Suzy-- Suzy, I'm going to do it.

You mark me.

-Don't parp!

-No.

Caroline: Get off that pony.

We're all out of Shake 'n' Vac.

And Vicar left a note to say no more potpourri in the font.

Yes.

You busy this weekend, Queenie?

Oh, yes.

And you?

Oh, yes.

Well... Well, that next-door creeper's causing a bit of a problem, isn't it, pussy-pussy?

Have to tell 'em about that.

I'll tell you what, we could ask 'em round, couldn't we?

Let 'em see it for themselves.

Yeah.

Not as busy as I was before Daddy-- Went into the hospice?

Yes.

Oh, I think all this should be changed, Queenie.

But it's been there since 1975.

Oh, it's more dust than craft.

Easier to get rid of the craft than the dirt!

(chuckles) Gone!

(birds chirping) ♪ I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window ♪ No, I don't know that one.

("Jolene" by Dolly Parton playing) ♪ Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene ♪ I don't know that one, either.

Next.

It's all right, Sal.

I know this machine.

It knows me, knows what I likes.

-("Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton playing) -Ah.

♪ Lovin' you... ♪ -Oh, my God.

-What?

Oh, I hate the smell in here now.

I mean, take away that lovely scent of a few fags, and what are you left with?

The whiff of old beer and disinfectant, and I want a fag.

Just hold your cardie up to your nose and inhale, there's still plenty clinging to that to keep you going.

(Rosie singing shrilly) Kate Bales.

What's that about?

She digs up grief like it's a buried treasure.

She's like a little mole, barely comes up for air.

But we love her?

Oh, well, there's odder people in the Guild.

Mmm.

-Let's go through them.

-Yeah.

I love this game!

Here we go.

Sorry, Col. Don't mind him, he's a man.

He's gossip dyslexic.

You can say anything in front of him, it'll have no impact.

♪ Colors that you bring ♪ (Rosie humming) Okay.

Caroline.

-She's an idiot.

-Yeah, I agree.

Suzy?

Well, no, something about Suzy.

Yeah, but not worth talking about.

No.

Now, Eileen, she's a never had it.

A never had it?

Do you think?

Oh, come on, she must've had it.

No, no.

Believe me.

I've seen her notes.

She's never had it.

Oh, my God.

♪ Lovin' you ♪ Where's my rucksack?

Oh, um, in the garage.

I mean, uh-- (exhales) The smell got too bad.

Hiya.

Two pints of Adder, please.

Shall we get something to eat?

No.

I used to, like, work here, and the only thing that ever cleaned the kitchen floor was the bottom of my jeans.

So, uh, you packed then?

Well, it's-- it's not, like, packing, it's just like getting some things together.

Yeah.

You and Spike... Yeah, we're just friends.

Yeah, but... you sharing a tent?

No.

(chuckles) Spike doesn't sleep.

Oh, my God, are you jealous?

Yeah.

But Eileen, unruffled except by herself.

Mmm.

She blows her own wind, -if that's possible.

-(Colin coughing) -You're the one she's got a problem with.

-(Colin clearing throat) -Behind you now.

-Hi.

-Sal, hello.

-Hi, Eileen.

-While I've got you... -Tip: Can we get you a drink?

Ah, no.

No, I'm fine, darling.

I'm fine.

I'll have a Benedictine.

I'm sorry, Colin.

-Colin: All right?

-Yes, yes.

(sighs) Now, Sal, the thing is, darling, I was wondering if-- You see, I have got this shepherd's pie, and I was wondering if you were free, you know, whether you'd like to come over and share it with me?

Oh, and you could say it was a committee meeting, if you liked, but it needs eating.

Eileen, I would love to have done that.

It's-- it's just that I've got the house to myself this weekend, and I just so want to be on my own, you know, on the sofa, watching the telly.

Fine.

Another night, maybe?

Well, you're a lucky woman if you can think of time on your own as a luxury.

Tip?

(stammers) It would have to be a matter of national security to get Colin to let me off the farm this weekend.

Sorry, Eileen.

Oh, right.

Well, there we are.

I think I'll just go and, um, check on that Benedictine.

Are we very bad people?

Yes.

(sniffing) Chip van!

(bright music playing) I can take you as far as Hole.

hitchhiker: That'll be ideal.

I wanna stay here with you.

Oh, sweetheart.

You can't, because you've gotta go and look after your mum.

-(Tash crashes) -(Sal yelps) You know, Freya and all her friends have gone on the train because there's not enough room in the car.

And, apparently, they would rather die.

Suzy: Oh.

Have you ever done a festival?

Hay-on-Wye.

Hated it, not my thing.

Now you're clear about the house?

-And everything that's got to be done?

-Yes!

-Dogs twice a day.

-Yeah.

-And last thing... -Yeah.

-...ferrier, delivery... -Yeah.

-...plants... -Yeah.

-...bins, recycling.

-Yeah.

All the money for everybody is in the kitchen.

-Right.

By the door?

-All right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bins, recycling, and mow the lawn.

Oh, only if you've got time, though, honestly.

And don't worry about the hedges or anything like that.

-Hedges?

All right.

-Yeah.

-All in!

Yeah.

-Are we there?

Are we in?

Um, this will have to go on my knee.

Right.

John!

(Sal humming) -Hey!

-Oh, hi, Spike.

Ready to rock.

Where's your stuff?

Before your very eyes.

Shrooms.

Capri Sun.

Mr. Frube.

Wet wipes.

And, finally, ladies and gentlemen, my ticket.

Very good.

Ticket?

-Your ticket?

-Spike: Yeah.

It's Glastonbury, Spikey.

No one pays to get into Glastonbury.

Oh, no way, man.

Not this year.

It's like total security madness.

They've blocked up all the drainage tunnels.

The only way in this year is legit.

-Oh, my God.

-Tash?

-Oh, my God!

-You haven't got a ticket?

(Tash sputtering) Good heavens!

I made them myself, Queenie.

I have the odd hour come an evening.

Can you tell what they are depicting?

I don't even know what they are.

Hedgehogs?

Scenes from the life of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Holy hedgehogs?

No, teasles.

Last Supper.

Palm Sunday.

And the Crucifixion.

Aren't they marvelous, though I say it myself?

Wonderful.

Teasles are very versatile.

What are you going to do?

Luminous security jacket.

Lost child, fake walkie talkie.

I say... "Hi, security..." I'm coming through, I'm just coming through.

Sorry, where are you going?

Um, this little boy, um, is lost.

-Aren't you?

-Yes, I am lost.

So I'm just taking him to the meeting point by the pyramid stage so he can find his mum, because kids get in free and don't need a ticket.

Oh, come on, then.

Through you come.

(loud music playing) It works, seriously, it works every time.

I will be dancing outside Joe Banana's blanket store by sunset.

And what if it doesn't work?

-Okay, shall I stay here?

-No!

It'll work.

Come on, off you go.

Bye!

Good luck!

Tash: Come on, people.

(Sal chuckling excitedly) (upbeat music playing) (crowd cheering) We'll have to stop at the gate and tell them that John's got to come down this way with the Volvo.

Excuse me!

(upbeat music playing on TV) (Sal sighing contently) Sal: Do you want to come up here with me?

You can, you know?

Nobody's watching.

(knocking on door) (softly) Oh, what now?

(softly) Go away!

Suzy: Sal?

Sal, I can see you.

I know you're there!

God!

Hello, Suzy.

Sorry, I must've nodded off.

I need to speak with you.

(vacuum cleaner whirring) (vacuum cleaner chugging) -(Eileen groans) -(vacuum cleaner stops) (birds chirping) I think I'm pregnant.

Oh, God.

(chuckling) Suzy.

-Great?

-No.

No, no, no, no.

Oh.

What?

Tell me.

You don't want to be?

Well, that's okay.

I mean, I can understand that.

I mean, being older and not wanting it to happen.

-(Suzy crying) -Oh, Suzy.

I'm sorry.

You're the only person I've told.

I haven't told Charles.

It-- It's okay.

Go on, it's okay.

This will stay between us, won't it?

Yes, of course.

Now have you had a pregnancy test?

No.

I couldn't get into Exeter with the kids, and I can't get one round here without it going round to-- You know?

It's just too awful.

Oh.

-Pauline: Oh?

-Yeah.

I'm Janine till she gets back.

Oh, okay.

Julie Garratt's just been in here.

Oh?

What's she been in for?

Couscous.

-Couscous?

-Yeah, couscous.

Said she wanted something special.

Has she ever bought... couscous before?

Never!

But then I don't work here, so I don't know.

Something's going on though, isn't it?

I'll drive home past hers and have a look.

And then I'll drive back here, and I'll let you know.

JA-AH-MUH.

(scanner blaring) Biscuits!

Charles doesn't want anymore, then?

Might not be Charles'.

Suzy!

(crying) It's just too awful.

Please tell no one!

No, I won't.

Who?

Just once.

It's stupid.

I was drunk.

You know how it is round here.

After the farmer's thing up at the hall.

I was drunk.

Yes, but who?

-Mickey Douglas.

-Mickey Douglas?

Well, I had met him before, and he's been up at our place cutting back the leylandii.

(sighing) Obvious, I suppose.

I know he has a reputation.

So stupid!

So, I have to do something.

There's a place in Sidmouth, I think.

Is there?

Oh, my God.

If this got out at school, -the children!

-Oh.

Although how you go anywhere without someone you know seeing you, I don't know!

I don't know what to do!

Please tell no one!

Listen, the first thing we're going to do is get a pregnancy test.

Oh, thank you.

I knew you'd know what to do.

I can get a test from the surgery.

Oh, I haven't got any keys.

-But Tip has.

-Will she have to know?

Well, yes.

But she's gonna know anyway.

It'll be all right.

We'll get this sorted.

I've been so frightened!

Do you mind if we have the TV off?

I can't stand that racket.

♪ Try to make me go to rehab ♪ ♪ I won't go, go, go ♪ But-- No, but I have to go with him.

No, we'll take it from here.

No, because I'm his-- No, um, no-- Because it's a kind of-- it's a kind of trust thing.

They need you in car park four.

A Port-a-loo's been pushed over.

-No, but-- but I need-- -No.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

(Tash screaming) (horn blaring) I'm on my way.

How big a story is this?

Oh, my God, I'll be there in 10.

I have to go.

Em, most of the lamb's in the freezer.

I'll do the rest when I get back.

Well, can't you stay and help?

I can't!

I have a meeting!

Urgent Guild business.

I'll be down at Sal's.

Well, I'll see you down at the pub.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Tip can get a pregnancy test.

(Suzy sighs) If I am-- Oh, God.

Is there no other way to-- I mean-- What, an abortion?

Are you sure that's what you want?

No choice.

Obviously, if the circumstances were different, -I might-- -(phone ringing) Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's Tash.

Hello?

(loud music playing) No, I will not ring Caroline.

No, I don't care.

I would rather die!

Yeah.

Hey, Mikey?

Yeah.

No, darling, we've set up in the VIP bit.

Yeah, no, I've got my eye out for people, but I have to tell you, I have absolutely no idea what Sienna Miller's parents look like.

The only person who's pitched up so far is Peaches Geldof, who between you, me, and the gatepost is almost entirely feral.

No, we're gonna have drinks later.

No, Sting and Trudy are coming over, darling, sans lute, one can only hope.

Now, I have to ask you, what time are you on tomorrow evening?

Oh, that's no good for us at all.

No, we're gonna have to miss you, because he wants to push off straight after Neil Diamond so we get home before the exit rush.

We're gonna video you.

No, I've-- I've set the video recorder.

Yeah-- Excuse me.

D-- Darling, I'm gonna have to go, because the Magic Numbers are here trying to tell me something.

All right, bye-bye.

Romeo, what's happened?

I've gone and lost the top of the spiral again.

(Caroline sighs) Yeah, just sort of flew off.

We weren't hitting it that hard.

It wasn't me, it wasn't me.

It was Michele.

Look, I don't care whose fault it is.

I'm not going to blame anyone.

But I will say to you exactly what I said to Jarvis Cocker, which is don't hit up.

I told him, "Don't hit up."

I mean, you know, the trick with swing ball, and I'm a bit of a dab hand, is to keep it even.

You've got to have an even stroke that way, an even stroke that way.

And if it starts to go like that, you've got to stop.

Now if you can't play on that properly, the only thing I can give you, really, is the Velcro bat and ball.

Oh, do you want a Scotch egg, darling?

I'm all right, actually.

What time are you on?

Should you be here?

About half seven, I think.

Oh, shouldn't you be getting down there?

Is this what you're wearing?

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm just gonna change my shoes, but-- Gosh.

And do something with your hair.

-Hold-- Hold that.

-All right.

-I'll find you a scrunchie.

-Thanks.

(birds chirping) You running late, aren't you, Eileen?

Running late?

What for, Colin?

For the Guild meeting.

No, not today, Colin.

No Guild meeting today.

Yeah, it's at Sal's.

Tip said it was urgent-- Ha.

Rosie, where are you going to so fast?

What I'm not doing is I'm not going to Sal's for a secret reason that I must not tell anyone about.

I'm definitely not doing that.

Going to Sal's, darling?

Yeah.

I am, yeah.

Oh, Queenie!

Queenie, I must speak with you!

Uh, don't cross.

Don't cross.

I know nothing about it.

(soft music playing) (Eileen gasping) Oh, my good godfathers!

-Guild meeting, huh?

-(Tip yelps) Was there something horrid going on?

Between ourselves, Suzy's over at Sal's, and she's in a right state.

I didn't tell you this and you didn't hear it from me, but she thinks she might be pregnant.

Oh, my God.

No!

(imitating Victor Meldrew) I don't believe it!

How have we missed this?

We, who know everything, didn't know this?

Suzy isn't feeling very well.

Oh, aw.

Would you go up to Caroline's and feed the dogs for her?

Yeah.

I knows how to do that 'cause I've done it before.

Good girl.

Couldn't share a shepherd's pie 'cause she wanted to be on her own.

I am looking at a caucus here.

That can only mean one thing, a coup.

So key in, turn left, kick dogs.

-Suzy: No, kick door.

-Kick door!

I got it.

Yeah, I got it, yeah.

Okay, here's the good news.

Lover boy had the snip six years ago.

Oh, thank God!

So you can't be pregnant!

No, his wife doesn't use anything, so you must be safe.

(sighs) Panic over.

Right.

So.

Thank God!

Ah, you see, I expect a little bit of stress and worry... And guilt.

...have made you miss a period.

Or the menopause.

Thank God I don't have to go to Sidmouth.

That road is terrible.

Especially at this time of year.

Sal: Let me buy you a drink.

You can buy me several drinks.

I mean, a lot of times I have said to people, "It's all in the planning," and they won't listen.

Suzy: Oh, I agree with that.

(soft music playing) Eileen!

-I saw 'em leaving.

-Oh, oh.

Oh, yes.

Well, you see-- No time to share a shepherd's pie?

"Time on my own, please," and then, goodness me, nice little caucus!

Oh, no, I-- I did mean that, Eileen.

Yes, well, I'm not going to take it lying down, Sal.

I am a fighter, and I will fight you.

I know what all you lot want this Guild to be: ladettes and lap dancing.

Well, not on my watch, Sal.

I will fight you.

What're you talking about?

-The coup!

-Oh.

(laughing) Do you think I want to take over the Guild?

Well, why wouldn't you?

Oh, Eileen, Eileen.

Please, please, come and sit down.

Please.

Look, um, I had to sort something out for Suzy.

It was an emergency.

Oh, yes?

Yes.

Nothing to do with the Guild.

So can I get you a little drink?

Sal!

I've had a terrible accident.

-What are those?

-Teasles.

-Teasles?

-Oh-- Hiya.

Sal: What happened?

Spike drove us home.

Spike?

Spike, are you going back?

No, I'm watching the telly.

So what did happen?

Don't wanna talk about it, Mum, okay?

Thank you.

Sal, I couldn't remember what I had to kick.

Oh, never mind, Rosie, never mind.

I'll go up there later.

It's all right.

I-- I-- No, no, don't go in there, Rosie.

Oh, go in there.

And I'll get some drinks.

Please.

(Sal groaning) (overlapping chatter) -Thank you.

-All right.

-Thanks.

-Mm-hmm.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

You're a lovely man.

Aw.

Eh, you had a bit of a scare, then?

I saved some of these from the Hoover bag.

Oh, this one looks a bit squished.

Yes, but, Queenie, if you lay him on his side here, he can be the body on the side of the road.

And he can be the Good Samaritan over there!

Do you see?

Huh!

And, Rosie, what have you got there, darling?

Rosie: It's a burr in a basket.

Eileen: Aw, it's probably the baby Moses.

No, it's Orville.

It's rubbish this year.

Yeah.

(theme music playing) ♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪