- Hello, and welcome to an Ohio Learns 360 Family Webinar.

I'm Amy Juravich from WOSU Public Media.

We're here today to discuss healthy relationships with peers.

Developing healthy relationships inside and outside of school is critical to a child's social and emotional learning.

It's also important to academic success and general wellbeing.

So how can families help children foster good relationships and how can we handle challenging peers?

Joining us for this discussion is Chelsea Elliot.

She's an author, a speaker, and a parenting expert.

She's also a certified emotional intelligence coach and the founder of Somocom Lab, an organization that helps parents and children with communication skills.

Welcome, Chelsea.

- Hi, thank you.

- And Chelsea, you feel that emotional wellness and confident communication skills are so important that you created entire business around that notion.

So why is developing healthy relationships so important for children?

- It's everything for children and it starts at home, it starts with the family.

And as they get older and they become less into their family and into their parents and more into other people and validation and friendship with others, it helps with their development socially, emotionally, even academically.

It impacts their entire lives and their worldview.

And so having healthy friendships is really important for kids, especially at a young age, so that they understand what healthy friendships look like as they get older.

- So let's just go to the bottom line, like when you have a young child and they look at you and they say, "How do you make friends?

How do you make friends?"

- Well, you make friends by approaching others and being approachable.

So it's not as challenging as it seems, but for little kids, it can be really scary and intimidating, especially if they're naturally shy.

And there are some parents that feel like, "Oh, you know, my kid doesn't have enough friends, so I need to force them to meet other people and I need to push them into these different things so that they can make new friends."

But really getting to understand your child and the way that they like to interact with other people will help them to make friends naturally and organically that are healthy and safe for them.

- And when my daughter was going from preschool into kindergarten, she, one day we were on a walk, and it was right before kindergarten was starting and she asked, "How do you make friends?"

And she was asking that because she had been in a daycare and preschool where all the kids were just always there together since they were babies.

So they all were there together and she was going to a new school that she had never been to before and she wasn't gonna know anyone except for a few kids from the neighborhood.

And so she was like wondering, you know, if you're just around people, do they suddenly become your friends?

I that's what she was asking.

And is that true?

Do you just, especially at that elementary school age, the relationships form by being together?

- They do for some kids, and you know, not everyone.

I always remind my daughter, 'cause I have a two-year-old and a six-year-old.

So my oldest is in kindergarten.

And I remind her, you don't have to be friends with everybody.

You still have to be kind to everyone, but just 'cause you're around them all day doesn't mean that you're always gonna be friends.

And so in response to that question, you go up to someone, find a common interest and play with them, see how it feels, you know?

And as long as you two are being cordial with each other and being kind and polite and doing things in a fun way, then you can continue to be friends.

- So friendships though, and developing a healthy relationship, it's more than just playing nice?

- Absolutely.

- Right?

So what does that look like beyond just playing nice?

- Oh, it looks like, not just with play, but in academics, encouraging each other, supporting each other.

And for little kids, I know that sounds like a big thing, but for little kids that could just be, you know, if you see a kid that's sitting by themselves, going to sit with them and that could become a friend.

Being able to work together in class and read together.

There are a lot of different ways that are coming up in my mind right now.

But just being present with each other can become a friendship.

- Now let's talk a little bit about you and your, you know, talking about social and emotional learning and through relationships and communication skills, you created an entire business around that.

So tell me about it, t's called Somocom Lab, right?

- Yeah, Somocom Lab, it's the social emotional communication lab.

And I created my company because I grew up with some different challenges that impacted my mental health greatly.

And the adults around me didn't really know what to do with that.

They just thought that I was seeking attention or you know, I was being a drama queen or being a troublemaker.

But really, I needed support and I needed someone to say, you've been through a lot and that's difficult and I understand.

I see that you're crying and you have a reason to cry.

And so when I had my children, I was committed 100%.

I said, if they didn't know their names, if they didn't know how to read or write, they're gonna know how they feel.

And I really and truly meant that.

And so we spent a lot of time watching Daniel Tiger and learning from his family and from him and his friendships and getting to understand like, it's okay for you to have feelings in front of kids so that you can model that behavior.

And so when I was pregnant during the pandemic and I had my second daughter and I had written a book for my oldest about fear because she, you know, going from being very active and sociable with everybody and loving people and making friends everywhere she went, to being in the house and then being afraid of everything because everybody's sick and there's this thing going around.

And so we wrote a book about fear and that led to a card game, which then led to the company to help teach kids how to express themselves in a healthy way.

Because every time they're doing something, all of their behavior is them communicating with you.

And if they don't have the words to say, I'm tired, if they don't have the words to say, this is making me sad right now, or this is making me really angry, they're going to act it out.

And that also plays a role in their friendships.

So if they don't have the words to communicate how they're feeling about how someone is treating them, they're going to push their friends, they're gonna hit their friends and they're gonna look like they're not a very good friend in that moment.

So I created my company to help build those communication skills and to help adults to understand what children's emotions look like and how they can manifest in different ways and how to support them.

So that was my reason behind that.

- Yeah, and being able to talk about your feelings, it doesn't come naturally to everyone, right?

And so I would think that some of the products that your company that you were just talking about could be good for adults too.

- Oh, absolutely.

They're cute for the kids, but they're really for the grownups.

- Right, oh, and the parents model that behavior.

You were just talking about that you want your daughter to be able to talk about her feelings.

And being able to do that will help her be a good friend, right?

So a big emotion, or a big part of emotions is empathy.

Now empathy is a big word for little kids, right?

So can you talk a little bit about to be a good friend, you have to be empathetic, right?

And so can you talk about empathy?

- Yeah, and empathy doesn't come natural for young kids.

They are very much me, me, me.

And this is impacting me in a bad way and I don't like it.

But teaching them how to understand, you know, somebody else might deserve something nice.

I work with young kids all the time and sometimes they wanna be the line leader every time 'cause they love being the leader, but teaching them, you know, that person wants to do it too.

So having empathy for that other child will help you understand that they can be the line leader as well.

Something that simple.

But teaching them goes back to modeling.

It goes back to giving them the words and then putting it all into practice.

Giving them space to practice that.

Empathy is not easy for young kids at all, but it is definitely something that they can learn.

- One way empathy is described is walking in somebody else's shoes.

And my husband happens to be an elementary teacher and he said, if you look at a little kid and you say, walk in someone else's shoes, they're like, "What does that even mean?

Why would I put on someone else's shoes?"

Right?

So you have to find a different way to explain it.

And it's more of just having awareness, like looking at the other person and knowing and understanding how they feel, what about how does awareness play into that?

- Yeah, so everything, the best way to teach children is through play.

So I do a lot of role-playing with kids and helping them understand in a very real sense, like, this is what it looks like.

So yeah, telling them to walk in someone's shoes, they're just gonna tell you, "Their shoes are too big for me.

I can't fit those, those aren't my shoes."

You know?

But showing them like, hey, pretend that you're this person and act like this is happening to you right now.

Then they start to really understand and start to see, well, I don't like how that feels.

Okay, they don't either.

So now you're starting to get it.

So helping them to be aware of how other people are feeling by helping them to be aware of how they're feeling brings about that empathy and that awareness.

- And to talk about the friendships a little bit more, how can a parent encourage friendships among children?

You know, is it more than just if the two moms become friends than you two kids have to be friends, right?

- Yeah, that's something I'm learning a lot right now myself, but there's a fine line between like, I'm gonna push my kid to be friends with this child because I think that they'd be perfect for them.

And my kid needs to be able to make their own friendships and decipher who is right for them and who's not.

Putting them in environments and social situations with healthy groups of people, I think, is a really good way that adults can do that.

They can schedule play dates with certain kids, but if your child says, "Oh, I really don't like them."

Okay, that should be it, you know?

Letting them make those types of decisions.

Talking them through different challenges and situations that are happening and helping them problem solve.

But if they really don't want to be friends with somebody, not forcing it on them.

Because our goal is to help them trust themselves and understand what they feel is right for them and what's not.

So we're guiding them through those things and helping them to see that, while also letting them make some of these decisions themselves.

Not all of their own decisions, but helping them to make these decisions.

So as they get older, they're not looking for you, mom, to say, hey, you can be friends with that person, it's okay.

Or not knowing like, oh, that person seems a little sketchy, but that's okay, I'm gonna, you know, see what this is about anyway.

When they know in their gut that they might not want to go along with that crowd.

So it starts early.

We don't have to, you know, give them all the control and power of course.

But letting them learn how to make decisions for themselves will help them with doing that with their friendships as well.

- And you have written that children thrive on consistency.

- Oh, yes.

- But I can't think of anything more inconsistent than elementary school, right?

Especially there are so many ups and downs in those years, and children have such big emotions.

So how do you balance consistency and friendship with young children?

'Cause you just said, you come home from kindergarten with a new best friend every day.

- Oh, yeah.

Or you're friends with so-and-so and then you are not friends with them anymore and then you're friends with them again, then you're not friends with them anymore.

Going through this right now.

But it's be consistent with the things that you can control.

That is something you can't control, but also helping them to learn.

You don't have to fall out with your friends every time you have a disagreement.

It's okay for you all to not wanna do the same things at the same time.

That doesn't mean you're not friends anymore.

So being consistent with that kind of messaging is really helpful.

Helping them to understand, you know, there is healthy conflict and there's unhealthy conflict.

So being consistent in the things that you can control is really important.

Elementary, that's the time for that experimentation for them to say, oh, I really like this person today.

And then the next day they can't stand them.

And then the next day they're best friends again.

Then the next day they're falling out again.

But the consistency is, I'm learning how to resolve conflict.

I'm learning that, you know, I need to speak up for myself more.

And them being consistent in that messaging that they're getting at home.

- And the idea of the healthy relationship with, you know, but who your child is talking about is changing each day.

But you need to be aware if the same name is coming up again and again.

When do you know if maybe it's not a healthy relationship and it's a problem?

What do you do if your child is friends and not always friends and sometimes friends with someone that you just don't think is good influence?

- Yeah, so I always tell people, have a village, right?

So have a group of people that are helping you to raise your children.

And I consider the teachers a part of that village.

So if they're noticing something like that, if I heard my child saying like, I can't, you know, I love this person, I hate this person, I love this person, I hate this person.

I will go to the teacher and ask them what they're seeing and I would do my due diligence on, you know, my end to make sure that this isn't an unhealthy relationship.

I would talk to my child about, you know, well, why are you friends, you know, some days and not others?

And what happened today that made you all feel like you're not friends?

And if the other person is, you know, maybe pushing or hitting or doing things that are just really cruel and mean, we would talk about advocating for themselves, talk about a plan and make sure that the teacher is involved in those situations.

- And approaching the teacher, you know, as a parent, sometimes I feel like, oh, the teachers are so busy.

I mean, they're literally teaching a kid how to read, you know?

Like that's a big job.

So I don't wanna bother them with like, my kid had a, you know, a bad situation at recess, but is it bothering the teacher?

- I don't think so.

And I think that the teachers are so loving and so caring and a lot of times those things slip through the cracks 'cause they are so busy and they have so much going on.

But I know if they know it, if they say, oh, that's happening and I didn't hear it or I didn't see it myself, I'm gonna make sure I'm paying attention and I'm gonna address it when it comes up.

- Okay.

- Yeah, 'cause they don't want those issues in the school, you know?

And in their classrooms and with their students.

- Right, right.

Yeah, and I mean, can you go so far as to ask the teacher about, like, who's sitting with who and that kind of thing?

Like when do you approach that?

'Cause who you sit with is a thing, so.

- That's very true.

So again, it goes back to connecting with your kids.

If you know them and you notice that, you know, when they go to school and things are really changing for them and they're having a lot of anxiety going to class, or they're crying every day.

We went through a spell where there were tears every day because somebody was talking about something my daughter didn't like.

I addressed it with the teacher.

She made sure to listen out for it.

I talked to my daughter about it.

We talked extensively, role-played in everything about the scenario because I need her to learn, you can't control other people.

And you can't control where you sit sometimes.

The teacher has people where they're sitting for a reason, and I respect that.

If there is a real big issue, making sure that you're advocating for your child or teaching them to advocate for themselves is very important.

And I know that the teachers are receptive to that.

I know that they're receptive to that.

- Yeah, and the idea that you can't control others, I think that's a very important thing for children to learn.

I mean, children want things.

It's me and they want things my way, right?

So how do you talk to children about not being able to control their friends?

I mean, that seems like a very, like, personal thing to each child, yeah.

- It is, and it's very challenging.

But again, that goes back to the consistent messaging that they're getting.

And hey, remember, they're not gonna play with you exactly the way you want.

They're not always gonna do everything exactly the way you want.

So you either learn how to play with them or you find something else to do, but you cannot control other people.

So learn how to get along, learn how to, you know, incorporate everybody's interests in what you all are doing and be adaptable.

That's so hard for kids to do.

So it takes repetition constantly.

A lot of consistent messaging.

Making sure that you're catching them when they are being inclusive with other kids.

And saying, "Oh, that was so great, how you all played together and how you were able to take, you know, the dinosaurs and the princesses and put 'em together."

Something like that.

So making sure that it's being addressed in the moment so that they can recognize, oh, this is one of those situations.

But it does have to be consistent messaging.

- And let's talk for a minute about the healthy relationships expanding beyond friends and peers and the kids the same age.

I mean, healthy relationships also includes having a healthy relationship with the adults in your life too, from teachers to the adults they interact with, even in like the lunchroom, coaches.

How can you help your child have a healthy relationship with other adults in their life?

Is there any way, any techniques for that?

- I know that having open and honest communication with your kids is the number one way to protect them from something that might be unhealthy.

If somebody is telling your child, you know, "Hey, let's keep this between me and you," that's unhealthy.

If someone is doing something harmful to the kids and the kids, you know, they aren't willing to speak up 'cause they don't feel like they can trust anybody, they need to have people that they can go to.

And that should be their, you know, caregivers, the people at home.

And so being able to have those open conversations with them, letting them talk and share without us, you know, our knee-jerk reactions sometimes is like, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe that happened."

Or, "I can't believe you did that."

Not doing those things so that they feel comfortable continuing to share.

But also, you know, they do have a lot of amazing adults in their lives.

So making sure that they recognize that, that they're respectful to those people and that the respect goes both ways.

But again, those are a part of the village.

So the parents also need to be involved with those adults and making sure that, you know, I'm here, I'm present, I'm visible.

If you have any issues, let me know.

If you need anything, let me know.

And being there.

But the kids shouldn't, you know, just have relationships all willy-nilly by themselves, you know?

You know what I mean?

So yeah, just making sure that you have that open and honest communication and connection with your kids so that you can tell if there's something going on that's out of the norm or, you know, secrecy or something like that.

- And every parent comes to parenting with their own experience, right?

Everyone had their own childhood and their own past experiences.

So how do you work on, or how do you not let your negative experiences from your childhood influence your current parenting?

It's hard.

- It's so hard.

It's such a challenge and it shows up, I feel like parenting opens up a portal that, like, just exposes everything that you've been through all of a sudden.

- [Amy] It transports you back to your youth.

- Yes, exactly.

And you're so diligently trying to prevent the bad things from happening that it ends up looking like helicopter parenting.

So the whole methodology behind conscious parenting is to not insert our past and our upbringing and ourselves into our children's lives and letting them be their own whole person.

That requires doing a lot of internal work, doing a lot of counseling potentially.

If that's, you know, something that you're interested in doing, I highly recommend it for everybody.

And really allowing your child to be their own person.

But again, that's really difficult 'cause our job is to protect them and keep them safe.

And if we felt like we weren't protected or kept safe as children or, you know, things happened that shouldn't have happened, even though our parents were really diligent and there for us, it's very challenging for us to not always have that playing in the back of our minds.

But it takes a lot of work, a lot of internal work for us to say, this is a whole different person and I need to let them experience life in their way.

- Yes, just because you had a bad experience in the second grade with your best friend.

You know, and you remember it, even though you don't remember much about being seven, that's what you remember, doesn't mean that's gonna happen to your seven-year-old.

- Exactly.

- Right?

- But they'll have something different could happen.

So you have to be present and paying attention to what your child is saying.

So open communication.

Can you talk about, do you have any resources to help parents talk to their children?

Some parents just have a hard time even knowing how to ask the question, 'cause like, you can't ask a child how was school, right?

'Cause they'll just say, "Good, fine."

Do you have any strategies or resources to help parents ask better questions?

- Yeah, so I love this question 'cause I always have a whole bunch of different questions that I ask my daughter and now she just expects them.

And she gets in the car and, like, starts sharing.

But asking them something like, what was your favorite part of the day?

And that'll get the conversation going so that if you wanna know, like, what was the most challenging part of your day, they're still in the mood to talk.

And just listen.

That is the number one thing that we can do for our kids to get them to continue to trust us and to know my caregiver is a safe person for me to talk to and to share with.

Just listen.

But ask, you know, what was the best part of your day?

What made you laugh today?

What was really funny?

What was not so fun?

You know, what was something that you learned that you didn't know before?

What can you teach me?

There are just a lot of different questions outside of how was your day?

'Cause their day was like this all day.

And they're either going to talk about the best part, so the day was great, or they're gonna talk about just the worst part, so the day was awful, but the whole day wasn't awful.

The whole day may not have been great.

So picking out certain questions so that you can get different bits and pieces of the day is really helpful with getting them to talk.

- And there's other ways to get kids to open up too.

You can help them talk through reading a book, and asking about the character in the book or through play, right?

- Yes, so I use play all the time.

If I need to know like, hmm, what happened, what's really going on?

We get out some toys and we start playing.

And you sit on the floor, let them do their thing, let them be in charge and you start to really pick up and see like, oh, that must be happening, you know, at school.

Oh, that's what her friend must have said to her that made her upset.

And you start to pick up a lot of different things through play.

Play is like the number one way to get kids of any age to really share and to be themselves and to be as creative as possible.

But they always insert something that they know that you might not know into that play.

But you asked for some resources.

I apologize for not sharing those too.

- [Amy] That's okay, let's do that, yeah.

- We are a PBS Kids family in my house.

I honestly started a lot of this with Daniel Tiger because I saw the episode with his mom getting mad at him, Prince Wednesday putting sand in the house when it was raining.

And I was like, she's mad at them.

Like they're not mad at them but she's mad at this situation and she showed them that.

Like, oh my gosh, I'm so angry.

And that just kind of opened my eyes.

Like, you can have emotions in front of your kids.

You can talk to your kids about how you feel and that it's totally okay.

And so there are a lot of different books.

I wrote a book about fear that helps to show kids what it can look like on the inside to be afraid and how they can find bravery along with that fear so they can still be there together.

I also wrote a book about anger and helping kids understand what anger can look like inside and different ways to self-regulate.

Everything on PBS Kids, I'm telling you.

And I know, I'm here, but honestly, everything on PBS Kids is wonderful to get a conversation started.

Hey, have you ever dealt with that before?

Is that something you've seen other kids go through at school?

Just asking a simple open-ended question can get them sharing stuff that you're like, oh, I had no clue they were going through that.

- Yeah, well, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the WOSU Public Media, where we are right now, has produced a wonderful resource to help children learn about their emotions.

It's called "Drawing With Mr.

J."

So it teaches kids and adults can do it too, to express their feelings and talk about their feelings through different drawing prompts.

So can you talk a little bit about how art is another way to talk to kids about even art can be a good way to talk about friendships too.

- It is a fantastic way to communicate with kids.

They might not be great with their words, but they are going to draw, even if it's a scribble, they're gonna tell you a whole story about this scribble, a whole scene about it.

Art is so powerful and a lot of times people, especially adults, don't realize how creative they are until they start, just get started, you know, with drawing.

I think that show is fantastic and it is such a healthy way to express your emotions and it really does help you to get out certain things that you may not have even realized were in there.

But it's so important for kids to incorporate art in their play and to have moments of creativity with art and artistic expression, so that they can really share in their biggest way, in their most helpful way.

So I absolutely love that.

- Yeah, so I'll plug wosu.org/mrj for that.

And then you also have a game.

I think on your website, I saw a game.

Can you tell me about this game that helps for talking with about these things?

- Yeah, so I created the EQ Kids Crew as a way for adults to use definitions for up to 130 emotions that we all experience.

- [Amy] There's 130 emotions.

- There are more than 130, but I used the emotional wheel and there are 130 on that wheel.

So I made very kid-friendly definitions.

They have activities, so drawing it out is one of the activities on there.

But they can act out that emotion and, you know, role playing 'cause that's part of play.

Kids love to do that.

Talking about a time that they've felt that.

So allowing the child to say, "Oh, vulnerable is a new word for me.

And I've felt that in these situations before."

And they can act it out and they can draw it and they can, you know, just learn different ways to express that feeling so they get a much deeper understanding of it.

But it helps to build their emotional vocabulary to reduce behavioral challenges and increase their ability to say, this is how I'm feeling and this is what I need right now.

And there are also self-regulation activities in that game, which, again, include play 'cause play is so much fun.

- What's a self-regulation?

- Self-regulation activities are ways for you to manage your body and to manage the feelings within.

So if you're feeling angry, for a child, the first instinct might be to scream or to kick and to yell and to hit.

Self-regulation allows you to calm it down.

So the very first thing, and all my kids know, take a deep breath.

That is the best way that you can self-regulate.

There are a lot of different activities you can do, doing jumping jacks.

You know, I love pushing your hands together.

I just taught my kids yesterday to trace your fingers.

It's a way to calm your body down.

Different breathing techniques, mindfulness.

So there are a lot of different ways to do it.

Art is definitely one of them.

But just allowing you to come back to center to allow your body to calm down, even if you're still angry.

But you can express that in a more healthy and meaningful way to have your issue resolved instead of the focus being on the behavior and not the actual cause of that behavior, 'cause then it's just gonna happen again and again.

- I feel like through your game, parents are gonna learn some emotions too.

- [Chelsea] Oh, 100%.

(Chelsea laughs) Absolutely.

- Like, vulnerable's a new emotion for me too.

- One time we were watching TV and my daughter was just like, "Oh, they looked dismayed," and went back to play.

My husband and I looked at each other like, "What?"

And we looked on the wheel and went in the game and was like, that's in there.

Like, she really learned this from the game.

It was so cool.

It's just been such an incredible experience seeing kids light up when they finally have a word for what they're feeling.

And to see parents, like, my child is finally communicating, because they have words now.

They have words.

And the characters of the game were created to look like all of the children that, you know, represent kids around the world.

And so kids can see themselves in these characters and they can learn to have empathy and compassion for kids who don't look like them.

Because, like we said, it's hard for kids to understand empathy, but if you see that, you know, oh, that person that doesn't look like me also has these feelings, they will learn to see that in others as well.

- And this webinar being about healthy peer relationships, our audience before the webinar could submit questions.

So we had a few people submitting some questions.

So families were able to submit the questions in advance for our guest today.

And one of the questions was from a woman named Lindsay and she said that they're moving to a different state this summer.

And she has two elementary-age kids and she's worried about this whole situation.

And she said that she's worried for her, her kids are worried about leaving their friends that they have now.

But then even more worried about making new friends when they move.

So what would you say to someone about a moving situation?

- That is a real worry, especially at that age, 'cause like we've talked about before, it's the age where those friendships become so important and, you know, friendships become everything and it's like, oh, I'm leaving everyone I know and love behind.

So helping them to acknowledge, this is hard, this is sad, you're going to miss your friends.

And being understanding of that with them will help them 10 times with the feelings that they have around it.

And then when you move and you get to the new place, going to different parks and, you know, not just doing things in school but finding different ways for kids to be around other kids so that they can see different people in different environments in their new space will be helpful with those organic friendships.

- And do you have any advice on maintaining the other friendships?

Or do you think that they should, you know, move on?

- No, no, no.

Not at all.

Luckily, we have amazing technology and we all were forced to use it so we all know how to use it for the most part.

But there are so many different ways to video chat and if you're one of those families that, you know, likes to travel, going back home and seeing those friends and scheduling intentional time with them.

But I think allowing them to see them every so often and video chatting with them will be really healthy.

I know when I was younger, we moved from California to Ohio.

- [Amy] Oh, that's a big move.

- Yes it is, and I was nine, so I was fourth grade, going into fourth grade.

- [Amy] Okay, that's a hard time.

- It was a very hard time and we didn't have video chat, so I didn't get to go back home.

I didn't ever get to see those friends again.

And that impacted my ability to make friendships as an adult and all through school, it impacted it majorly.

So acknowledging, yes, this is going to be a challenge and this is our game plan for when we move will be so helpful to them, 'cause then they won't feel like, oh, something's wrong with me for missing these people.

Something's wrong with me for having strong feelings about, you know, making new friends.

I don't wanna make new friends.

I wanna keep my old friends.

You can do both, you can do both.

But helping them to see that and being a part of that process with them will be so helpful.

- Okay, and we have another question from our audience.

This one says that, "My son has autism and he has a difficult time making friends.

So how do I help him feel more confident with other kids at school?"

- That can be a bit of a challenge because autism is a spectrum and so I would have to know a little bit more.

But I do believe that getting the village involved, getting the teachers involved and making sure that the child does have peers that are accepting and understanding and that will play with him, I think that's really important.

And that's something that can definitely be done.

And teaching, you know, helping him to understand how play looks.

Again, that comes along with the consistency and being intentional about it.

But he can definitely make friends and have friends in school.

But it does take a village.

- Yes, and as you said, autism is a spectrum.

So there's many different ways.

Do you have any more advice on how someone who just has a kid who is having a hard time making those friendships, autism or no, but like, but especially for a child that has trouble communicating, maybe through making a friend better through play rather than talking.

- Yeah, and I think that being intentional about play dates, not making it like a big thing or telling your child like, "Oh, we're going to go and play with so-and-so so that we can learn how to," no.

Like, "Hey, we're gonna have a play date with this friend from school.

Is that okay?"

You know, making sure that it's somebody, again, talking with the teacher.

Hey, who do they gravitate towards?

Or who, you know, shares with them?

Who spends time with them?

Connecting with those parents and having intentional play dates, I think, will be really beneficial, very beneficial.

- And we have one more audience question, another question from our audience.

This parent asks about bullying versus friendship.

So she says, "My daughter has a friend," and uses quotes, "who I do not think is very nice to her.

And my daughter says that it is fine and they are friends, but I am not so sure.

So how do I help with this?

Or do I need to let her figure it out on her own?"

- Ooh, that's a tough one.

So again, there's that very fine line.

So it goes back to knowing your child and being able to see, you know, if it's really a problem.

So bullying is a consistent behavior.

Somebody is consistently doing something mean to your child.

If you're noticing that, that warrants a conversation with the school or wherever, you know, you and your child are seeing them, a conversation with the parent, having a play date so you can see them interacting together to see, you know, what's really going on.

You being very far back in the, you know, watching like a fly on the wall to see what their friendship looks like.

But if you break apart a friendship suddenly and they really do feel like, oh, no, this was really a genuine thing, that could harm their ability to make friends later and to see, you know, what friendship really looks like later.

So building their confidence themselves, again, goes back to their emotional intelligence and understanding who they are and getting that from their family at home will help them to be able to decipher, oh, this isn't a friendship I want, this isn't something that I really like to deal with.

So it's a fine line, but if you really are worried, trust your parent gut because that's a real thing.

And get involved, step in a little bit, you know, by observing and really looking for yourself to see, you know?

And then having a conversation like, "Hey, I didn't like the way that she did that to you.

What do you think about that?

How does that make you feel?"

And just having an open conversation.

- And let's talk a little bit about temperament.

Do kids who act the same way tend to gravitate toward one another?

Or is it more of an opposites attract thing?

- I think it just depends on the child.

And that goes for adults too.

Like, there are some times when, you know, you're like, oh, I really don't like that behavior in another person, but it's the same thing that you do.

And so it really just depends on the kids.

I know interests for sure are something that brings kids together, but temperament-wise, I think when they're younger, it does make a difference.

You know, if kids are really playful or if kids are really, you know, extroverted, they'll gravitate towards each other.

And kids who are introverted might gravitate towards each other a little bit.

But yeah, it really just depends.

- You can be friends with people who are just like you or they are.

- Absolutely.

And again, that plays out as you get older into adulthood.

So you see it in a lot of different ways.

- Yeah, yeah.

And I was reading online about the benefits of social skills coaching.

So children who are really experiencing a lot of difficulties with their peers, are you familiar at all with social skills coaching?

I think it's kind of, well, it's kind of like seeing a therapist, right?

But learning, right?

- Learning social skills.

- Yeah.

Do you think that that's beneficial if someone's really struggling with connecting with people?

- I definitely do.

And I think the younger you start these types of things, the better, the more use you'll get out of it and the better they'll develop later on, and, you know, they'll continue to develop.

I feel like that's similar to what I do with the social emotional learning work that I do with kids.

And, you know, role playing and teaching them like, hey, this situation happened, what's a better way that we can handle that?

And, you know, helping them understand and come to a resolution with certain situations.

But yeah, I definitely think that that could be helpful.

- I also read that children can sometimes act differently at home than they do at school.

- Oh, yes, they do.

- Yes, so you could have a child who has so many friends in the neighborhood and you're always out, you know, playing in each other's driveways at home, but then you hear from the teacher that they don't talk to anyone at school.

What would you do in a situation like that?

- Again, it would depend, like if it's impacting their grades, you know, if they're bullying somebody at school or if they're getting bullied at school.

There could be a lot of different reasons why that would happen.

As long as they're able to make friends, I think that that's healthy and okay.

But if they, you know, just don't really like people in their class, you know, I think that would warrant a conversation with the school and see, you know, what could be, and definitely with your child, like what could be the reason behind that?

What could be going on underneath that they're feeling like, oh, I can't really relate to anybody here.

I don't wanna make friends with anybody here.

- Yeah, there has to be a reason, right?

- [Chelsea] Yes, there's always a reason.

- Yes, especially if they're acting very differently at home and at school, right?

- [Chelsea] Yeah, absolutely.

- Yes, and one other thing I was reading about is that exclusion is a big problem in elementary schools.

Kids leaving someone out, right?

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, they're just not playing with them.

Is there something a parent can do to address that?

And when should a teacher help here?

- I think if it turns into, you know, something like a bullying situation, like, they're being pushed down and excluded often.

There's no one that is playing with them, everybody's poking fun.

That definitely requires a conversation.

And I think that the child really needs to be centered in that conversation.

They deserve to have friends.

They don't deserve to be treated that way.

And they need to know that.

You do not deserve this.

And having a parent be an advocate for you while also allowing you to learn how to advocate for yourself is one of the most beneficial things that they can get, that they can receive.

But definitely bringing the teacher in.

And I feel like, you know, we're saying the teacher needs to be here for everything.

But these situations aren't happening constantly with the same child all the time.

And if they are, that needs to be a bigger conversation with maybe the principal and really finding out and understanding what is going on, why is this happening, and what can the resolution be.

- Can you talk to your child?

If your child is feeling excluded, what kind of questions?

How would you ask them?

Like, do you ask like, why are you sitting alone, right?

- Yeah, so, you know, how was lunch today?

Who did you sit with today?

Or who did you play with today?

And if they say, "Oh, no one."

Oh, well, why do you think that is?

Did you just wanna be by yourself or did you want to join in with people?

And they'll start talking about it.

Again, giving them this space.

So this might trigger some parents, you know, I was excluded and I don't want that for my child.

So they might, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe that happened to you."

And that will freak them out.

So don't do that.

But continuing to ask questions, open-ended questions, being supportive.

Wow, that sounds really challenging.

How did that make you feel?

Well, did you talk to a teacher about it?

Oh, what did they say?

And just going down, you know, following their lead, letting them guide the conversation and you pick up the clues that are needed for you to decide, is this something I need to address right now?

Is this something I can help them?

Hey, well, maybe you can talk to so-and-so or play with a different group of kids, you know?

Or do I need to get the teacher involved because this is turning into something that is unhealthy?

So really letting them lead the conversation but you asking those open-ended guided questions will help to decide, you know, help you determine what to do.

- Earlier in the conversation, you said that you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you have to be kind to everyone, right?

So that could be something too, and you know, I know parents who don't want any child to be excluded.

So like I would encourage my kid to go play with, you know, go play with the kid that nobody's playing with.

But you can't force them to be friends, but you can include them, right?

Like, as a way of being kind.

- Yeah, it's a tricky one because, like you said, yeah, we don't have to be friends with everybody.

And I go back to we're raising our children to be humans, right?

So functional adults eventually.

And you don't have to be friends with everybody, but you can say hi.

If they're being excluded, you can help them find a group to play with or find something to do.

You can even play with them for a minute if you feel like it, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for someone else all the time.

And I think that's where I'm headed with that, you know, be kind to people, you don't have to be their friend at all times.

But you don't have to be mean to not be somebody's friend.

So, yeah.

- There was one other question that came in from the audience before this, and it was talking about the role that manners can play in a relationship.

So can a kid be not in touch with their emotions or maybe are they not in touch with their emotions properly?

Or do they just have bad manners?

Is that possible?

You know, like.

- Yeah, I think it's a little bit of both.

So like manners kind of go along with self-awareness and, you know, understanding how you are presenting yourself in an environment and that self-regulation and social awareness piece of social emotional learning.

And so again, it goes back to being kind and being polite.

And if you don't have that, you don't have those manners.

It's kind of hard to make friends and it's kind of hard, you know, for people to say, oh, I really wanna play with that person who continues to take over the game and not let anybody else play the way they want to.

You know, it's kind of hard to do that.

It's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't say thank you or who doesn't wanna share.

You know, so it's hard to play with those kids sometimes.

But that child can be taught how to use their manners and how to understand social awareness and how they're impacting the relationships with the other kids in the classroom or, you know, on the team or whatever it is.

So it's a balance.

It goes back and forth, but yeah, they can definitely be taught.

- Okay, and we're down to the last couple of minutes and I just wanted to have one more opportunity to talk about some resources for parents.

If parents are struggling with helping their children find friends or keep friends or, you know, they're just worried about the peer relationships, where would you send them?

Do you have any resources that you'd like to talk about?

- So because each child is so different, there are a lot of different books, there are a lot of different, you know, my card game of course is a great resource, but I also think that using the teachers, using the school and talking to your child is a real big deal.

That's like the most important thing that you can do in those situations.

Like I said, I've learned a ton from Daniel Tiger and "Elinor Wonders Why," like, it's really good for asking questions.

So watching those shows, I know that there are some PBS Kids books as well.

But again, you know, just using the resources that are around you that are local to you, even going to the library and asking, hey, where are some books on bullying that, you know, I could read with my child?

And, you know, we can start that conversation.

I think reading is probably one of the best ways to have that mutual connection and get a mutual understanding of a topic and then extend the conversation, so.

- Yeah, reading a book to your child when they're younger, having them read it and tell you about it when they're a little bit older.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you so much.

We really appreciate you being here.

And this has been an Ohio Learns 360 webinar, and thank you for joining us.

I wanna say thank you to Chelsea Elliott, thank you for being with us today.

- Thank you so much for having me.

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