- Hi there folks, and welcome to our first Ohio Learns 360 Family Webinar of the school year.

Ohio Learns 360 is generously funded by the Ohio Department of Education.

My name is Conor Morris and I'm Ideastream Public Media's Education Reporter.

I'm here today with child development expert, parent educator, and author Deborah Farmer Kris.

Her bylines include CNN, PBS Kids, NPR's Mind Shift and more.

She spent 20 plus years as a K through 12 teacher and administrator and has presented to thousands of educators and parents around the US.

Great to have you here, Deborah.

How are you doing?

- I'm great.

Thanks so much for having me.

- Of course, of course.

So today we're gonna be chatting with Deborah about how we can help children navigate life changes.

Life's many transitions and changes are difficult to navigate for adults.

Just imagine how hard that is for children who are experiencing those for the first time.

Whether it's moving to a new home, welcoming a new sibling, coping with divorce, children can feel overwhelmed and uncertain about how to handle these things.

We're glad to have folks join us today as we delve into research-based strategies and real life experiences to help you support children through various life transitions.

So Deborah, to start with here, we mentioned some common transitions at the top here, but are there others that caregivers need to keep in mind?

Are there some that maybe, some transitions that we might not think about as adults whose childhood is kind of in the rear view mirror now?

- One thing to recognize about childhood is that it is basically one big transition.

I mean, you think about an infant and then you think about a two year old who's walking and talking and then suddenly they're four and they have this explosion of cognition.

And then imagine them being 12 and suddenly their body's changing and their brain's going through a second developmental brain spurt.

So you have these things that we think about like changes, a new school you're starting, a best friend moving away, but then sometimes their body's changing on them, their brains are changing on them.

Friend groups are changing constantly.

And we might just kind of say, oh, we've been through it.

It's hard to remember.

But for kids it can be scary and overwhelming and all change even good change, even change that's anticipated and wanted is inherently stressful.

That's one thing any psychologist will tell you.

They can call that what's called eustress.

So that's positive stress.

Like I'm so excited that I got into the gymnastics team I really wanted, but it's a change in routine.

It's a change in expectations and that's gonna create a stressful environment that kids are gonna need help with.

So your kid will have a meltdown and your instinct might be, why aren't they more grateful, they wanted this?

But that doesn't mean that they have integrated it into kind of their understanding of themselves yet.

- That makes a lot of sense.

Absolutely.

And what are some of those signs?

You mentioned that just very briefly there.

What are some signs that a child is in fact struggling with a transition that caregivers should keep in mind?

- Yeah, so one thing to remember is that for kids, and this is true for adolescents too, but especially for young kids, behavior is communication.

So we might expect them to talk to us or want them to, to say, "I'm feeling really unsettled about the fact that my best friend's moving away in two weeks."

But what you might see are changes in typical behaviors.

And so it may be they're having trouble sleeping.

It may be that your four year old is regressing with potty training.

It may be that something that brought them joy before isn't bringing them joy right now.

It may be that they're suddenly the stresses with their younger sibling that they could handle before is suddenly just, they're exploding.

And all of that is a sign that their self-regulation skills are not as there as you may have seen them a few weeks ago.

And that's a sign that there's something inside that's dysregulated.

- Interesting stuff.

And guess the kind of opposite of that, I mean, what are some signs that a child is in fact transitioning well?

- Yeah, I mean I think one of the things to remember is that kids often do transition really well, even if there's initial speed bumps.

And so what you start to see is some evening out of that.

So your kindergartner for the first four weeks comes home exhausted and cranky.

That is so normal by the way, because they're holding in at a school and they're falling apart afterwards, but suddenly it's October and they're more cheerful after school and they're not as cranky at bedtime.

And you see that they've kind of worked through that kind of emotional growth spurt that comes with dealing with some changes.

And also when they can start to talk about maybe even what happened in the past, like, oh wow, it was really tough when.

That's a sign once they actually can talk to you about it, that they're thinking about it at a different level.

Which is why sometimes even as parents it's great to kind of circle back and say, wow, you've really seemed to be enjoying your new baseball team.

First couple weeks were a little bit hard, weren't they?

And that gives that opening to reflect on how they've grown during that time.

Because there'll be a time later where they're also going through that and you can remind them, remember how tough the first two weeks were of baseball season two years ago?

Basketball season's tough now too, but I know you can do it because you've done it before.

- Kind of building up that confidence then.

It makes sense.

So I myself do not have any children, but I do remember when I was the summer in between middle school and high school and my parents moved to a new town but new high school.

So high school was new for me.

And then also, - That's a double whammy.

- in a new town as well.

So I was struggling with that for sure when I was younger.

I'm curious about what parents could do to help children when they are kind of preparing for transition.

So in the weeks or months leading up to that, if they're able to, if they have the time to.

- Yeah, a lot of our transitions luckily are predictable.

There are those things that happen that aren't.

But for a change you know is coming like a new school you're starting or a move, the more you can talk about it in advance and not just on a global level of wow, you're going to be a kindergartner, but on a really practical level, like this is how you're going to get to school.

This is the name of your teacher.

This is how the lunch line works or I'm going to be packing you a lunch.

Because Fred Rogers, who's really my guru, one of his great quotes is that when children know ahead of time what's going to happen, they can prepare themselves for what's coming.

They can get used to their feelings about it.

And I think sometimes as adults, we imagine one thing and what the kids are actually worried about is something else.

And when you kind of open up that space, for example, we moved when my oldest was starting first grade across the country and I assumed that the big worry would be making friends.

But as we talked about it over the summer and talked about what to expect and went on a tour of the school, what she was most concerned about was where she was going to sit on the bus and how the lunch line worked.

'Cause her previous school, they just ate lunch in their classrooms, not a big cafeteria.

And once we could get that out, that that was a worry.

And part of that happened because we were reading books about the first day of school, then I could actually address the things that were causing her concern.

And that takes time.

And that's where that practical piece, if there's for example, a divorce, so what's it gonna look like on a practical level?

Where is my favorite toys gonna go back and forth with me?

Am I gonna get double of them?

You might think that they're worried about do their parents love them, but they might just be worried about what's gonna happen to their favorite blanket and will they have it at both houses?

And so that's we're talking a lot and watching and listening and being really curious about our kids' experiences can help us.

- That makes sense for sure.

And I suppose again, like on the opposite side of that, is there any helpful advice for parents where it's something that's so sudden and they really couldn't plan for it?

Awful to say, but may have a death in the family.

They see grandma every week and how they're not going to be able to.

Any advice on as far as that goes?

- Yeah, and so often the sudden ones are the hardest because we're dealing with our own emotions.

So, when my father-in-law passes away and I'm dealing with emotions, my husband is, but then our kids are too.

And so at those moments, a couple things to remember is that all emotions that are being expressed are normal.

There's no one way to grieve or to react to something.

And so, for example, children often do what we call grief dosing.

Let's say it is a grief transition where they might be all upset and then go play and be fine and then be upset again.

And so, sometimes I hear somebody say, oh, the kid's doing fine because they were laughing and playing after the memorial service.

Well, they're developmentally working things out at their own pace.

And so it might be easy to kind of minimize, but we gotta keep watching.

And when you're dealing with a sudden thing that is stressful on you too, as much as you can get your village together to help.

To get the aunt or the uncle, to get the neighbor who's close to your kids, to get your kids' best friends to take them away for a day to do something fun.

But to pull that village together, it's great because people want to help.

It's great for your kids to see people helping.

And it's great for you to realize that that support network is there.

And often we forget to activate it during stressful times.

- Makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

What if, we talked about this a little bit earlier, but what if your caregivers children appear to be doing well, doing well with a transition until the moment that those emotions really do start bubbling up.

Any advice on how to kind of handle that in a healthy manner?

- Just don't overreact.

And I know that's hard.

It's hard for us to see our kids in distress.

But one of the things to recognize is that kids being upset about things that are upsetting is really normal.

In fact, happy, a well-adjusted child is not one who's happy all the time.

So let's say that their teacher does leave midyear, a beloved teacher and they're upset and they're sad and they don't want to go to school, that's actually a very proportionate response to a loss.

And if they were simply like, whatever, I don't really care, that might be easier for us, but the actual deeper emotion is a sign of emotional health, not a sign necessarily of something wrong.

So I think that's important to recognize is just because your kid is sad or angry, that doesn't mean that they're not mentally healthy.

In fact, sometimes that means they're exactly having the proportionate responses that they should be having.

So I think remembering that.

Also, it's gonna come out when it comes out.

So some kids are brooders, they bottle it up and then they suddenly have an explosion on a weekend.

Other kids will talk their way all the way through it.

Some kids don't wanna talk about it.

Some kids want to narrate their whole life and you've gotta recognize that you're dealing with a kid in front of you and their timetable may not be yours.

And so providing time for them to talk and being that solid person in their life.

I discover with my kids when they're upset, I almost always hear about it after bedtime.

That's not always convenient.

- Yeah.

- But it seems to be the time of day where they call me back in and suddenly they wanna talk about what happened at recess.

And I get that, right?

Or it's a walk when it's kind of darker outside with the dog and suddenly I hear about things.

So, you may say, "How was school?"

They'll say, "Fine."

Everything looks great and then you're surprised that you're suddenly hearing at 10:00 at night about an episode on the playground.

But that's okay.

Take it when you get it.

And you wanna keep those lines of communication open no matter what.

And one of the best things about parenting is that we know that just our calm presence is one of the very best things for our kids.

They're looking to us to see how upset to be.

So if they tell us about something that happened on the playground and we just go to level 10 alert, they're thinking, oh my gosh, that really was bad.

I really should be really upset.

But if we can pause and say, yeah, that's tough.

I can see why you're hurt.

Let's talk about how to handle this.

Then they say, oh, I'm heard and this is solvable.

And so our instant emotions of I've gotta solve this for you, somebody said something mean to you, that can actually be more alarming to your child then simply acknowledging that, yeah, your feelings got hurt and let's maybe do some troubleshooting together.

- Interesting.

That makes a lot of sense.

And one thing that I'm thinking about here too, as well as we move through this, is a lot of this is about communication.

And I can only imagine this must be extra challenging for parents with children with disabilities, with autism for example, where they might have more of a challenge with communicating.

Any advice there in terms of transitions and communicating with them in a way that kind of meets them where they are?

- Yeah, parents, we're given so many challenges and some we're ready for and some we're not.

One thing that is really helpful for all kids, those who are neurodivergent, those who are neurotypical, is when we can be patient and when we can help them, especially younger ones really have a sense of routine, that is huge for emotional regulation.

So, this is true for your neurotypical, neurodivergent, say, four year old.

When routine is disrupted, that is a change that is stressful.

And for kids who are really reliant on routine and many autistic kids, routine absolutely is part of the fabric of how they can operate in a way that makes sense.

When that is disrupted, that's when the real flare ups can happen and the meltdowns.

And so as much as we can be thinking about how do we have the visual routine, the checklists and obviously routines are gonna be disrupted sometimes.

But on a day-to-day basis being able to have that sense of predictability is really, it helps kids feel safe.

And I'll give you an example of this.

I was substituting in kindergarten years ago, beginning of my career and I wasn't nervous about the day.

And I'd put the schedule on the board, the kids are coming in and hanging up their stuff, and two kids walked to the schedule and burst into tears and I couldn't figure it out.

And just really this.

And I couldn't get them to talk.

And finally one of them pointed and said, "We don't have lunch today."

Because I forgot to put lunch on the daily schedule.

- Oh.

- And they just assumed that the substitute was going to withhold lunch and they would be hungry.

- Oh.

- And I thought, oh, right?

That is a really stressful disruption of routine.

- Sure.

- So we put lunch back on and they could calm themselves back down.

- Oh.

- And I think about how we have to be paying attention and watching and being mindful that these small things, when we put ourselves in our kids' shoes, that feels like a really big thing.

The big boss is taking away lunch.

That's a really, really scary thing to be happening.

- Sure, that's a great example.

And obviously lots of children are gonna be in new classrooms starting soon in August and beyond here, depending on their school year schedule.

Any advice for parents in terms of preparing them for a new school specifically or a new classroom?

Maybe they're getting into kindergarten for the first time or first grade, kindergarten to first grade.

Any advice for parents there to help their kids prepare?

- Oh yeah, it's just such an exciting time and a few things.

Number one, as much as you can talk about it in advance in exciting ways, the new things you're gonna be learning, the math that you'll learn, the books that you read, the stories you're gonna write, the pictures you're going to draw.

I'm so excited to see all the ways you're going to learn and grow this year.

That was a routine I did with my kids for years before on the day before the first day of school, just start talking about all the things we were looking forward to that year.

If possible, if there's a chance to get into the school or classroom before the year starts, if that is offered, take it.

'Cause it feels so good to go and see, this is where I'm going to sit, this is where my cubby is.

This is where the bathroom is down the hall.

Those little things that may be weighing on their mind that would make the first day harder when they get in and just are trying to get oriented.

Make sure they know the teacher's name.

Make sure that they have a sense of the agenda of the day.

First, you're gonna go to school, if they're younger.

Then you're going to do this and then recess.

And you can usually find old schedules on the web or email the teacher.

But one really important piece here too is that it's fine to email the teacher before the school year starts and tell them something about your kid.

When I was a teacher for years and years and years, I would often email in advance and say, "If there's anything you wanna tell me about your kid, what they love to do, what works for them when they're upset, I'm all ears."

But you can do that too.

You can say, "I'm so excited my child's coming."

Because it's nice when the first communication, it's a partnership and you want to build that partnership early.

So, if you have a kid who may be nervous about how to ask to use the bathroom, it's okay to give the teacher that heads up and say and that helps me as a brand new teacher with 23 new kids in the room, be mindful of that and have that on my radar screen.

And so I start that partnership, start it early.

That's a great, great thing for your kid and for you and the teacher.

- Makes a lot of sense.

And that transitions onto to my next question.

I know that there are teachers watching this.

Anything that they can take away from this in terms of helping those children who are in a new classroom experience or maybe they've moved from a different district, or again, maybe they are in that transition from kindergarten to first grade or even from, as you mentioned earlier, from middle school and high school.

- Yeah.

I think so many teachers are just such pros at helping kids do this transition.

But I remember when I was brand new to this or had to switch to a different grade, that moment of just empathy where I had to stop and say, I would start classes even in high school sometimes by saying, I taught high school briefly, "Raise your hand if you had trouble sleeping last night."

And I would put my hand up because I'd say I'm always nervous before the first day of school.

And that was such just a way to recognize that before jumping into a syllabus, before jumping into to-do lists or routines, let's just acknowledge the feelings in the room and let's acknowledge that we are probably excited and nervous, maybe at the same time.

We may have a lot of hopes, we may have some fears.

And so one of those picking a really good first day read aloud, a chance to kind of write a letter to themselves that they read on the last day of school so they can see kind of all the ways they've grown later.

Things that allow the emotional connection early on just to help the emotion settle and then they know you're on their team.

I think always works because it's kids like to know that their teacher's human and their teacher cares about them.

We do, but we have to be really intentional about it sometimes, especially when kids are nervous.

- Sure.

Looking back on your experiences as an educator, have you ever noticed these children struggling with transitions?

Have you ever noticed that come into play in the classroom or outside?

And what does that look like?

Any examples would be great to hear.

- Yeah, always.

It can look like, I want you to think about the kind of the stress responses that we know about as adults, like the fight, the flight and the freeze.

I had a child who at music class in fourth grade crawled under the piano.

That was a flight and just didn't want to leave, was so nervous and just hugged and that coaxing out.

You'll have some that maybe get combative.

Of you put down something, a math diagnostic test and they're nervous.

And so what you hear is them bothering the person next to them.

But what really is happening is that they are unsure about themselves.

Or you might see the kid who asks them to write something and suddenly they just freeze.

They can't write and nothing's coming out.

They just can't access their prefrontal cortex because what happens and this is a visual I use with kids a lot is when you're really stressed out about something, your brain, especially the part of your brain that can help you regulate your emotions, kinda looks like this.

If you can stop and you can take some deep breaths, then the glitter starts to settle.

And once the glitter settles, we can think clearly again.

And so this is a glitter jar.

It's very easy to make with glue and water and glitter as you can see it kind of going down.

But this is a little bit, this is a good visual to say, yes, I know you know how to write this piece, but you might be a little nervous right now and that's okay, why don't we take some deep breaths, go get a drink of water and come back and try again.

And so, one of the things to remember is that for kids who have a limited emotional vocabulary sometimes, that dysregulation often comes out as anger, but that doesn't mean they're angry.

And so if you think of it at like a tip of an iceberg.

That anger may be there or I'm just so mad, but underneath is confusion, loneliness, stress, or who am I gonna sit with at lunch?

I'm hungry, I'm hangry, whatever that may be but it's coming out as eh.

We do this as adults.

We snap at our partner and it's not because they did anything, it's because we're stressed about the insurance company who called us.

Kids have less experience than we do.

And so if we are simply responding to the anger that comes out and say, don't say that to me.

Stop being disrespectful.

Versus pausing and getting curious to say, my kid doesn't always react this way.

Maybe there's something else going on here.

And the number of times where I would pull a kid aside in my classroom, and once we talked about it, I realized what was under the surface.

And there was once when I was actually an assistant principal and there was this kid in middle school who was sent to me at roughly the same time every day for misbehaving.

And it was a rotating schedule and it was always about 10:30.

And finally one day I was just trying to put it together and I said, "Hey, what'd you have for breakfast this morning?"

And he said, "I didn't have breakfast."

And I said, "Do you normally not eat breakfast?"

He was like, "Yeah, my mom has to leave for work at like 5:00, so I don't really eat breakfast."

So I gave him a banana and sent him back to class.

And then for a while, basically if he came in, I give him some food.

And then we figure it out as a team how to make sure he got some breakfast first thing.

And lo and behold, he stopped being sent to my office as much because what it really was, was dysregulation because of hunger.

And so those are the types of things if as parents and teachers, we can get really curious and try to say, okay, no kid wants to be outta control, so if they are, there's something else going on.

No kid's gonna say to you, that felt great.

I'm so glad that I threw a tantrum in the middle of a library class.

No, they don't want that.

So if it's happening, they really do want our help in trying to figure out what to do.

- Makes sense.

One of the biggest transitions that we've talked about as society as a whole in the last three years has been online learning.

- Yeah.

- So going from in-person to online and then back to in-person again for many parents and children, that was the reality.

And I would say, I mean, to this day of course that's still a reality because parents are still figuring out what the best mode of education is for their children too.

Any advice for transitioning between online learning to in-person or from in-person to online for caregivers or for anybody that might be working with those children?

- Yeah, we opened up Pandora's box with that, didn't we?

And I think our challenge is going to be how do we take the best and let go?

I don't think any of us want to ever be fully online again.

The social-emotional learning really suffered during that time.

What I hear from a lot of principals right now is that the sixth graders are coming in with the social skills of fourth graders and the fourth graders are coming in with social skills of second graders and trickle down because so much of this great learning happens when kids are figuring it out on the playground.

They're playing, they have a conflict.

They work it out.

And that's hard to do online.

And in fact, it's actually those conflicts that I remember when my kids went back to school and there was the first recess drama and I was so excited.

I was like, great, you have to figure this out.

Another mom was like, oh no, drama.

And I was like, no, this is really good.

They haven't had a chance to do this.

They have to figure out how to play together and make these rules together and get along and make up and all of that stuff.

But at the same time there were definitely positive aspects to online learning.

One of my kids is still doing a writing workshop in New York City, which is many, many miles away from our house that there's no option nearby for that.

But we found that during the pandemic and we kept it because it's working.

- Oh.

- And so I think one thing to remember is that technology isn't evil but neither is it the panacea for kids.

Kids need to be in interacting with other kids.

They need to be outside.

They need to be moving their bodies.

And so trying to find that healthy balance is a struggle for all of us.

But sometimes I try to think about rather than what are they just consuming online just watching YouTube or TikTok or they creating?

So sometimes I'll go down and say, hey, I thought you were supposed to be off screens.

And my kid will say, oh, but I'm writing a story or I'm doing some coding, or I'm doing blank.

And I'll say, oh, no that's great you're creating, but if it's just, I'm still watching this Minecraft YouTube video, I'll say, "All right, time to turn that off and go build Legos."

- Yeah.

- So, that's a balance as parents, all screen time's not created equal.

And I think sometimes we're scared.

It's just should be, is it just one hour or two hours or blank hours?

Then we feel guilty.

But it's really about is our kid doing things that spark their interest in joy or are they just looking like zombies when they're on it?

- Sure, that makes sense.

And you were talking about your children there.

Would you mind terribly sharing may have some times when there were transitions for your children and how you kind of approached it?

- Yeah, sure.

I mean, I think that, so we had this major move, so I'll go back to those kids were entering kind of kindergarten.

I took my youngest, he's actually entering pre-K and we went to go visit his school early 'cause I knew he would need that.

And I remember him watching all the kids in the play yard.

And he turned to me at four and he said, "I don't want those friends.

I want my old friends."

Which was hard.

- Aw.

- It breaks my heart.

But it was so great that he said it out loud.

And so I told that to the director.

I said, "He's struggling."

I was honest and I said, "He's really missing his friends."

We've been having a lot of meltdowns, a little bit of regression with sleep.

These are all normal things with transitions.

And so the director was such a rockstar because she really was mindful that he wasn't just starting a new program like you in high school.

He was starting a whole new world in a whole new part of the country.

And I think that if I hadn't reached out to kind of create that village, if I just sent him to school and never sent that email, so the first day she sent me a nice note back saying, with a picture saying, he was playing so well with other kids.

So it eases my mom's heart over here, but it helped create the beginnings of a village, which I really needed to have at that point as I was new to the area too.

- That makes a lot of sense for sure.

And just on that topic, just if we could go just a little bit further, any tips for parents who have moved?

That's one of the more common transitions I'm assuming, to help their kids especially if they're younger find more friends.

- Yeah.

I love this 'cause if you go to a new town and there's a parents' group or mom's group on Facebook, often the ones in our town, there'll be people saying, "I just moved here and I have a two year old.

Does anybody wanna do a park play date?"

Because the great thing about really young kids is that when you go to a park, anybody's their friend.

And they say, "I made a new best friend."

And you say, "What's their name?"

And they say, "I don't know."

And that's fine.

- Yeah.

- Because it's just about the practice.

And so finding the park, asking around of where do you go to just let the kids play.

But I very purposefully for my older one when we moved, who was entering first grade signed up for Girl Scouts because I thought that's a smaller group.

So I'm thinking how do I make big a little bit smaller?

And so if you have a kid who really loves sports, maybe look for a local team or a local club or something that can take the big and make it just a little bit smaller can be really helpful for kids.

- That makes a lot of sense for sure.

So yeah, those kind of clubs and extracurriculars, getting them involved - Yeah.

- with them could be a good way to build that support.

- Yeah.

- Great.

Makes a lot of sense.

And then on the topic of other things that parents can do to help out, let's talk about books, resources, anything that either parents can have children read that will help them as they're getting ready for a transition or going through a transition or I guess any resources for parents to read from that more kind of adult perspective of to help them figure that out kind of.

- Yeah.

So I'm a really big fan for young ones of feelings books because there's just such great research that when kids develop their emotional vocabulary, when they can say not just I'm mad but I'm worried or I'm nervous or I am annoyed, that that kind of level of specificity can really help them manage their emotions.

And so shameless pitch is one that I wrote called, "You Have Feelings All the Time," which includes a discussion of the first day of school.

But some of my other favorites includes like Todd Parr's "The Feelings Book" or "Wemberly Worried" by Kevin Henkes or "The Kissing Hand" about the child who's nervous about the first day.

But "King of Kindergarten" is another grand new one that's wonderful.

But if you go to the library and children's librarians are really one of God's gift to the earth and you can say we are going through a divorce, my mother is ill, we're starting a new school, we're having a new baby is joining the family, can you help me find a couple of good picture books?

They can help you find a couple of good picture books.

And so that's just a great resource.

I also often say that there's a "Daniel Tiger" episode for everything and there truly is.

Literally when my second child was being born it was when Margaret, Daniel's little sister was born and I was like, this is perfect.

So there was transition to a new baby, new friends coming, loss, it's all in there, stage fright.

So that can be super helpful as well.

And for adults depending on the age, a couple of my favorite books, I have them all over here, but I really, if you have older kids, - Yeah.

- Lisa Damour is a national treasure, actually lives in Ohio.

She's a child psychologist - Oh, great.

- and her most recent book was called "The Emotional Life of Teens."

And honestly, pick it up when your kid is 10 to prepare you for the journey.

But that's just, that came out recently and it's just a remarkable book to help you understand the transitions that come with being an adolescent and just the strong emotions and the things they're dealing with so that we can be supportive and not reactive to our teens when they slam the door and do other things that trigger our own strong emotions.

- Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Just a very brief follow up.

Is there any apps or anything digital also that might be good for parents or for children as far as this goes in terms of transitions?

- The Daniel Tiger apps for the really young ones I really like.

- Okay.

- And so, there's a Daniel Tiger parents app that has all the strategy songs and honestly the strategy songs, I don't know how I would've potty trained.

But my whole cohort 'cause my kids were born and all my friends' kids, we are the Daniel Tiger generation.

But it was, we're all singing.

♪ And you need to go potty ♪ ♪ Stop and go right away ♪ And try new foods, they might taste good.

And it's amazing how just these kind of simple messages.

What do I say right now where we're activated and we need a strategy?

Those strategy songs are really for parents.

Yes, they're for kids too, but they're for us and for parents and caregivers.

And so I think those can be really good ones just to be using as we are helping our younger kids.

- Yeah, that makes sense for sure.

And I'd asked earlier about what teachers could be doing to help kids in the situation.

But is there anything that caregivers and parents can be doing to help the teachers out?

- Teachers have been such rock stars these last few years through very difficult times and a little appreciation goes a long way.

- Oh, yes.

- And so I think that if the teacher has to call you with something that's not easy, remembering that you're on the same page and that this is the team to help your kid.

And then if your child has a great day, that quick little text or email that says so.

We often as teachers, we hear when something's going wrong, but we don't always hear when the things are going right.

And so I think that those quick emails can really feed a teacher.

And it also is just that reminder that, I think of it at this is all your child's success management team and this is all the caregivers in their life.

It's you, it's aunts and uncles, it's neighbors and it's definitely the teachers who are seeing them many, many hours a day.

- Makes sense for sure.

And I probably should have asked you this earlier actually, but I'm curious what is at stake here if we are not adequately supporting our children through these transitions.

Is there a risk of negative behaviors developing?

I'm just curious about that.

- Yeah, I mean, life is made up of change and if we don't learn positive coping skills for handling it, then we are gonna struggle at (faintly speaking).

And so, part of ways is to think about it is our job is not to make the transition completely painless for our children.

Our job is to support them through it.

We can't kind of stop it from happening, but we can be there to remind them of their strength, to show our confidence in them, to help them troubleshoot, to teach them strategies from deep breathing to the good night's sleep, the healthy habits so that when they're dealing with transitions without us later, when they're dealing with the unexpected, that they have built up their kind of reservoir of tools and strategies and self-confidence that they can handle it and not fall apart and not know where to start because they've done it before.

It's not gonna be easy, but I can do it again.

- Yeah.

So I'm hearing that it helps build more resilience in children - Yeah.

and young adults too.

- Yeah, and the wonderful research on resilience and it's so hopeful is that for kids who had faced stress or trauma in early childhood, and when they did this study on who emerged the most resilient, the single most important factor was the presence of at least one stable, caring adult in their life.

That could be a parent, could be a coach, but the kids who thrived, the kids who were resilient had somebody who was stable and consistent in showing care.

And I feel like every time you feel like I'm not being a great parent, just remember if you're showing up for your kid, if you're there, if you're cheering them on, even if you are yelling at them sometimes and are losing it, 'cause we all do, that is the single greatest indicator of long-term resilience.

- That makes a lot of sense, for sure.

Great.

I think final question here before we close things up, and I do really appreciate the time.

What else should parents and caregivers be keeping in mind as they see these transitions approaching, these kind of major transition points?

And I guess to back up just a tiny bit, I mean, where are these biggest transition points for kids in their lives?

So I think we've talked earlier, kindergarten, getting into kindergarten then first grade and then high school or middle school.

Kinda what are these big break points and how can parents start preparing even from when their kids are just little itty bitty?

- You know, I think remember you're growing with your kids.

So you're gonna learn along the way with them.

And so, there's some people say it's the terrible twos, some people say it's the three majors, different kids hit it differently.

But you're going to see big shifts all the way up through five because every year is like a lifetime.

Fourth grade is also a big time for develop, for cognitive leaps and for friendship changes.

Middle school, I love middle schoolers.

It is absolute bonkers time for change for kids.

I mean, sixth graders and eighth graders are not the same people and it's beautiful, but it's gonna try you and that's okay.

Get your people.

Don't be scared of it.

They're the funniest kids on earth these middle schoolers.

Make sure that they have hobbies that they love.

And then of course ultimately we're trying to get them to be able to be adults who are on their own.

And so what we're aiming for eventually is that they have the confidence and the skills that they can go off whether they're going to college or trade school or learning, becoming apprentice, that whatever they're doing after high school, that they're finding their way because we helped do this for them along the way.

We mentored them and helped get them there.

And then we'll do a lot of this and say, some of those years were a real struggle.

But that's what our aim is that we're raising kind, honest, decent, caring, responsible adults.

'Cause that's what the world needs.

- Yeah, absolutely.

On that last point, to get them kind of out of the house, whether it's college or a job, any kind of final tips for parents who might be getting ready to make that, their kids are maybe getting ready to go off to college here, they're gonna start a new semester or starting a new job, they're gonna be out of the house for long periods of time?

Any final kind of tips for those parents that they can pass on to those children?

- I think one thing is when they're juniors, there's no such thing as a perfect college.

- Yeah.

- There's no such thing as a perfect path.

That I'm really glad to see community college reemerging as such an awesome option.

As long as they can advocate for themselves and find mentors, you can go anywhere and get an amazing education.

And they may say, maybe that's not for me and maybe I want to go study to be an electrician.

And that's incredible and that is work that is valid and needs to be done.

And so I think part of it is not imposing a path, but supporting and getting them thinking.

We want them thinking to do something, but to really allow them to see that there's not one lockstep path.

It's not Harvard or bust.

That's not a healthy way to be thinking about the future.

It's that there's so many paths to a fulfilling life.

And so part you wanna do is think about good work and relationships and if you have kids who have learned some skills about hard work and forming good relationships, that's gonna take them really far.

And you've gotta trust that and don't buy into the college hype that if you go here, your life is made because there's research, it's not true.

- Yeah, yeah.

That's great.

Wonderful.

Well, Deborah, it's been a pleasure getting to know you here and chatting with you a little more.

And anything else you'd like to say for the viewers and listeners here before we let you go on this topic?

And again, we really appreciate the chance to talk with you.

- Oh, I just quote Fred Rogers again who said, "Anyone who helps a child is a hero to me."

And I believe that this is how we change the world is by loving kids.

And so everyone listening, the fact that you're actually listening to this, kudos, you're making the world a better place.

- And made it to the end of this too as well.

(laughs) Great, well Deborah, a pleasure getting to know you a little bit here and talking to you.

Thank you again for the time.

- Thank you so much.

- And to all our viewers and listeners, thank you for stopping in and making us part of your day.

Hope you have a great rest of it.

Thank you.

- Thank you.