[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: The nation's favorite celebrities-- Oh, I like that.

NARRATOR: --paired up with an expert-- Oh, we've had some fun haven't we?

NARRATOR: And a classic car.

It feels as if it could go quite fast.

NARRATOR: Their mission to scour Britain for antiques.

[ACCORDION] Fantastic.

I do that slow-mo.

NARRATOR: The aim to make the biggest profit at auction.

Come on, boys.

NARRATOR: But it's no easy ride.

Ta-da!

NARRATOR: Who will find a hidden gem?

(SADLY) Don't sell me!

NARRATOR: Who will take the biggest risks?

Go away, Darling.

NARRATOR: Will anybody follow expert advice?

I'm trying to spend money here.

NARRATOR: There will be worthy winners-- Yes!

NARRATOR: --and valiant losers.

Put your pedal to the metal.

This is the "Celebrity Antiques Road Trip."

[MUSIC PLAYING] (SINGING) Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Today, we'll be chortling around Kent in the company of one of Britain's foremost light entertainers.

Look we're heading toward sandwich.

Oh, yeah.

And just up that look.

Ham and there's Sandwich, Ham Sandwich.

I love that!

Ham Sandwich.

Do you reckon there's another village called cheese?

Cheese, Tomato.

And Pickle.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Yeah.

I like those.

The man in the golden Rolls is one and only Vic Reeves, real name Jim Moir, in the company of his lovely wife Nancy Sorrell.

Well, I do know a little bit what I'm talking about.

I might sometimes be a few years out.

I'm really good at aging things.

Yeah.

I know.

I'm spot on.

I'm going to go into the shop and say, "that's 1932."

You always do that.

Whenever we go out you do that.

You age everything.

- I know.

I'm the "ager."

You're a "ager."

Yeah, let's make a drama about that.

The bloke who can age everything.

See those bollards there?

[LAUGHTER] - The '80s?

- No.

Yeah.

You're right 1989.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Jim and his comedic partner Bob Mortimer have been one of our finest double acts for over 25 years.

Today, Jim will be competing against his better half.

Because after starting out as a top model, Nancy's gone on to become an actress and a TV presenter.

Isn't this a really lovely show?

What a brilliant adventure.

Where we go and buy antiques.

You know me.

I'm the least competitive person in the world.

I'm going to beat you.

I'm going to beat you.

NARRATOR: Well, sure to have a big influence on the outcome will be our experts, auctioneers Charlie Ross and Thomas Plant.

Who's going to win?

It was a problem for me, Thomas, because I don't have this natural competitiveness.

Really?

No.

I love coming second.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Lordy.

Please manage your expectations, Nancy and Jim.

I'm hoping Lovejoy.

That's what I want.

Lovejoy.

I want someone who looks and acts-- (BOTH) --like Ian McShane.

Yeah.

He was an antiques expert and a detective.

Was that what it was?

Yeah.

So I want someone who can help me solve a crime.

Is there going to be a crime, Jim?

Well, we can make that happen.

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: After starting out in Sandwich, our celebrities and experts will enjoy a thoroughly Kentish ramble before heading towards the capital for an auction in the suburb of Southgate.

But right now, it's time to meet the gents in the Austin Healey.

- (BOTH) Well, Hello.

- Hello.

Our experts.

- What brings you down here?

- Hello.

Lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- How do you do?

- And what's your name?

- Thomas.

- Lovely to meet you.

Nancy.

Nice to meet you.

- Charlie?

- Charlie.

- Hello, Charlie.

- Thomas.

- Thomas.

- Thomas, how do you do?

- How are you?

- You're looking good.

- Love you car.

- It's nice, isn't it?

A 1977 Roller.

We like to travel in style.

And that's-- That's beautiful too.

- --an Austin Healey.

- Yeah.

- I used to have one.

- Did you?

- And so yeah.

- But I didn't have a 3,000.

So did I.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] You're in the club.

Who are we teamed?

But you've got to go together.

Do you know why?

Sorrel and Plant.

Hey.

I love it.

Love it.

Good luck.

NARRATOR: Now, what, apart from solving a murder mystery, is Jim looking for?

If I say something that you could maybe put some flowers in?

A top hat.

Something like that.

[LAUGHTER] Do you know what I did by recent-- I got a brass mold a doll's leg, and I put a couple of little flowers in it.

It looks very nice.

Does it?

So I could get something out of that.

You're obviously an imaginative sort of bloke, Jim.

I want a Murano clown.

If you buy a Murano clown, I promise you and I give you my word, I will drop it.

How about a fish?

Yes, I will drop that on top of the clown.

NARRATOR: Don't forget Jim's special power.

I'm very good at aging things.

Can you age that?

Well, it's mock Tudor.

We should have a bit of a competition to see who is the closest.

[LAUGHTER] Jim, I think you've just left the exhaust behind.

NARRATOR: Welcome to Sandwich, the Cinque port where allegedly in 1255, an unnamed pachyderm became one of the first elephants to stomp on British soil.

Do you think there's anything curious in there?

NARRATOR: Makes a change from all those Sandwich shops.

I'm drawn to this straight away.

I think the casket is French, although it's got a picture of Eastbourne on it.

That could be used for many things that.

Yeah.

Jewelry, teabags, all sorts of things.

[LAUGHTER] How much do you reckon for that?

I reckon it would sell for 30 quid.

Because the ticket-- I can't see the ticket.

No, you could peer underneath it.

[LAUGHTER] No.

What do you think is going to say?

20 quid?

NARRATOR: Now, what, apart from solving a murder mystery-- If it's 20 quid we'll buy it-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] NARRATOR: --is Jim looking for?

Well, let's get on with it then.

I like it very much.

In you go.

WOMAN: Morning.

- How are you?

Good, thank you.

How are you?

I'm Charlie, and you are?

- I'm Shirley.

- I'm Jim.

- Shirley, also this is Jim.

- Hello.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

So we've come to buy something.

Yeah.

We're going to clear you out.

Oh, good.

NARRATOR: I think that might be quite a tad more than your 400 pound budget, Charlie.

Promising start though.

How long has it been in your window?

Years probably, hasn't it?

- No.

About a week.

- Come on, look at me.

Week.

A week?

Is this a standard I don't see, Jim?

It's been in the shop a little while.

NARRATOR: 28 pounds on the ticket.

Anything else we ought to know?

I think you might have to.

[LAUGHTER] It's not easy through glasses.

It is if you know what you doing.

Steady, madam.

It's worse.

[LAUGHTER] It's worse?

I cannot see anything.

Yes.

It's late Victorian or Edwardian.

See if you can spot yourself on there.

Thank you very much, Jim.

The charmer.

"Eastbourne STV," something or other.

What a Scottish television?

Yeah.

I think that's what it says.

NARRATOR: Not in Edwardian Eastbourne surely.

On the short list though.

Oh, I'm going to buy that.

What about this?

Look some wombats.

NARRATOR: They promise curiosities, Jim.

I like those threepenny bits.

See there's a little threepenny bits.

That's made into a-- - Brooch.

- Into a brooch.

[INAUDIBLE] It is.

That's nicely done.

What I want to know is was that made much, much later, or was it made of the period?

Now, can you tell?

Let's have a look at it.

Let's look at the clip.

Look at the clasp.

That's quite old that clasp.

That's not been done yesterday.

You see what probably is relevant, Jim, is what Shirley has paid for these things.

[INAUDIBLE] If something like that has cost a fiver, she'd sell it for 10.

If it's cost 20 quid, she won't.

Well, let's ask her.

What did you pay for this, Shirley?

Not your business.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Well said, Shirl.

Now, Vic, meet Vic.

Doesn't get any more attractive, does she?

But it's quite fun.

Have to be very cheap, you.

How much is Her Majesty?

75 pounds.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Not amused.

You're on a roll aren't you, Jim?

Yeah.

I know.

What about these Murano chickens?

What did I say if you bought a bit of Murano, Jim?

What did I say if you bought a bit of-- Oh.

[LAUGHTER] Look.

Yeah?

An Australian who likes Guinness.

[INAUDIBLE] Carlton Ware.

Yeah.

Good maker.

It's been on a bar somewhere.

I think you're right.

In cuckoo manure.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: This man might buy anything.

What's this?

Victorian Barge Ware teapot.

I like that.

There's a real problem with that, Jim.

One, it's gone out of fashion, but look at that.

What is it?

Oh, yeah.

It's been bust.

That's nice that.

Me like that.

See we'll find someone called Mrs. Parker.

If we could invite Mrs. Parker to the auction, we can make a lot of money out of this.

What about if Mrs. Parker was there?

I mean, there's got to be someone called Parker.

Yeah.

Oh, it's damaged as well.

Is it?

Oh, blimey.

WOMAN: There you go.

It's cracked down there.

Well, you know, Mrs. Parker is going to want that, or Mr. Parker even more.

Do you want to know what that would make at auction?

10 quid?

Exactly right.

A non Parker.

Yeah.

And 500 to a Parker.

Yeah.

It's a gamble, isn't it?

Can we buy your junk for a fiver, Darling?

Five pounds?

No.

10?

[INTERPOSING VOICES] That sounds better.

Jim, will you slow down!

What's it got on the ticket?

10 pounds.

[LAUGHTER] Hang on.

Let me have a look.

Oh, yes.

10 pounds.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: 23 pounds actually.

Naughty.

I think Jim likes it, in any case.

I think I'm going to put it over here anyway, because regardless of you, I'm going to do it.

NARRATOR: OK. We've somehow arrived at three items.

Total ticket price 79 pounds.

I'm going to make Shirley an offer, and she might show me the door.

I think you would make a profit, if you bought them for 30 quid.

What about 45?

Well, yeah.

What about 45?

I can see, Jim, that you're on Shirley's side and not mine.

35?

No.

No.

40.

40 sounds all right, doesn't it?

NARRATOR: Let it lie, Charlie.

- It's your game, mate.

- Come on.

Let's have a go of it.

- Yeah.

It's your game, mate.

Who am I to argue?

You got 40 quid.

NARRATOR: Yeah.

First buys bagged.

- Thank you.

- Marvelous.

- Thank you.

- Marvelous.

Come on, Jim.

Pick up Mrs. Parker.

Mrs. Parker, here we come.

NARRATOR: Quite an assortment too.

Now, while they go looking for their next shop with a Nancy and Thomas.

I feel like I've known you a long time already.

Really?

Yeah.

You're just so nice.

Well, that's very sweet of you to say.

You are.

You are.

NARRATOR: A beautifully bonded.

They're about to take a trip to the resort of Deal.

You're not related to Robert?

No, I wish.

No.

Musical talent has passed me by.

I could sing around.

Yeah.

I sing, and I love singing.

Jim's a musician, isn't he?

Jim can, yeah.

He plays guitar.

I don't know why I'm not in a band with Jim.

- Be like the new-- - The Carpenters.

The new Carpenters.

[MUSIC - THE CARPENTERS, "TOP OF THE WORLD"] Your love's put me at the top of the world.

NARRATOR: Although it has no actual harbor, the town, which is just 25 miles from the coast of France, does provide a sheltered anchorage.

Thank you.

Thank you, Nancy.

Oh, lovely.

NARRATOR: Such a gent.

All of which means that Deal has played a very important role in our Maritime history.

- Hello.

- Hello, Nancy.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Hello, Tom.

Hello.

What's your name?

I'm Steve.

And welcome to the Deal Time Ball Tower.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

NARRATOR: The Time Ball on the roof, which still works by the way, was in operation from 1855 to 1927 supplying a Greenwich Mean Time signal to vessels as they set off on their voyages.

Most people, as you're probably aware, couldn't afford clocks or watches in those days.

- Oh, I do love a watch.

- So it's-- I do like to watch --public buildings basically that people used to tell them what the time was.

And what happened before 1855?

There wasn't a set time.

There was local time.

So because Deal is East of London, we're about seven minutes ahead of them.

So it were noon seven minutes before they are.

NARRATOR: Before that, on this very spot, there was from the late 18th century another small miracle of communication, a shutter telegraph system.

There were a series of these shuttered telegraphs all the way from Deal to the Admiralty in London.

There's about 14 of these stations.

And obviously the threat was a Napoleonic invasion.

Now, it was possible we've been told, to send a message from here using this system to London and back in two minutes.

Really?

Whoa.

We've got a model with some letters and numbers here, and it alters the shutters to match.

So maybe you can have a go typing your name in and see what happens.

Exciting.

Exciting.

Here I go.

Look at them move.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

So horizontal or flat?

Or flat.

And it was the various combinations of six.

I would spell out a letter.

Yes.

A bit like Morse code, but in a different way.

You'd think they just need one.

A big one that said, "the French are coming."

[LAUGHTER] Yeah.

NARRATOR: Several years later, the tower was built to send one simple message in the opposite direction, a daily time check.

Oh, this is lovely.

Oh, look at all these clocks.

NARRATOR: Because ocean going ships were equipped then with manual chronometers, they needed to navigate using the North South lines of longitude.

And exactly the correct time was crucial in establishing an accurate position.

How far around the Earth you are was calculated in those days by comparing local noon to noon at Greenwich.

If you're one hour ahead, you're one twenty-fourth the way around the world.

The area gets bigger the closer to the equator that you get.

Just to give you an example, if you're one second out, you're 17 miles off of the equator.

NARRATOR: So every day at 1:00 PM sometimes as many as 1,000 ships would gather offshore to receive the time from Greenwich.

And although it was eventually made obsolete by the advent of the BBC, the Deal Time Ball is still something you can set your watch by.

I'm never going to turn away.

There it is.

[INAUDIBLE] Yay!

That's one of the iconic buildings of Deal so.

I think it's an iconic building of Great Britain.

Let me shake you by the hand, and thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And I do hope for all the success in beating your husband.

Yes.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: But while they've been spending a great deal of time in Deal, Jim and Charlie have made their way further up the Kent coast and towards the Royal Harbour of Ramsgate.

Sure to be an antique shop or two around here.

We've got to get that bargain.

[INAUDIBLE] That mysterious bargain that's lurking, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Are there any bargains anywhere really anymore?

If you have a very, very specialist knowledge in something, you stand a chance.

Have you ever done that?

I've found a Tiffany window in a sale once.

I've got a window at home, which I got for 40 quid from the 50-50 Club, which was Ivor Novello's club.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

In the west end.

NARRATOR: Come on, let's chat, more shop.

Look at this.

This will do us.

Petticoat Lane.

NARRATOR: They call it a City of Paraphernalia.

- Hello.

- Hi, there.

My name's Cass.

How are you doing?

Cass.

Charlie.

- Hi, Charlie.

- Are you the proprietor?

I am one of the traders.

So I'm happy to help you today.

Well, what we want is the best bargain that you've got.

The best bargains that we have all over the store.

So if you'd like to go to Fleet Street, Coventry Street, Euston Road, or Oxford Street, you will find bargains galore.

NARRATOR: And what about if you pass go?

Proper antiques.

NARRATOR: Charlie seems happy enough.

How about Jim?

Look at this.

If I showed that to Charlie, he would think I was insane.

But I really like it.

NARRATOR: Well, you're the boss.

What's Charlie found already?

Well, it looks like Newlyn to me.

From the art school Newlyn.

If it is, it will be marked, almost certainly.

Bear with me viewers.

It is.

Look Newlyn.

NARRATOR: The Cornish fishing village which became the site of an artistic colony towards the end of the 19th century.

It's priced at 90 pounds.

It would probably need to be bought for 40 or 50 pounds, but it's a good thing.

NARRATOR: Those two may be enjoying a bit of a monopoly.

But not for much longer, because Nancy and Thomas are heading for the very same shop.

Are you quite clued-up on antiques then?

Since I've met Jim, I'm now absolutely just into them so much.

I mean, our house is pretty much a museum.

Is it?

Yeah.

NARRATOR: But who's going to come out on top?

And, Thomas, I don't win anything ever.

Oh right.

No pressure then.

It will just be nice when they say we are the winners.

NARRATOR: Well, first you'll have to park the Spirit of Ecstasy.

We're going to rock this.

You know it makes sense.

Yeah, absolutely.

Let's go.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: She's definitely ready to shop.

I can keep up.

Oh, my word.

There's so many antiques.

- Hello, I'm Thomas.

- Hello.

- Thomas, nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Nice to meet you.

Nancy.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

- What's your name?

- Zach.

- Zach.

- Hi, Zach.

Nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you.

So, Zach, are you an antiques expert?

I wouldn't say I'm an expert, but I know a little bit.

NARRATOR: The others are lurking somewhere, but there's plenty of elbow room.

My first impression is that it's massive in here, and there's a lot.

There is a lot, isn't there?

And it's-- It's a bit scary.

So my plan, and I think this sometimes works, have a look, don't pick up every, every single thing you see.

But if you like something, we'll go and have a look at it.

OK. Let's do it.

Let's do it.

NARRATOR: And there he is.

Mountie that revolves, and plays a little tune.

I can put that on the bonnet of the car.

NARRATOR: Just as well Charlie's not around.

It looks like it might be luminous.

No, it's not.

I'm not interested.

NARRATOR: Crikey.

How about Plant and Sorrel?

What about this, Nancy?

Oh, I love this.

Look at these lovely incise cloverleaf.

Look at the cloverleaf.

It's beautiful.

Really beautiful.

So what year would you say?

I think it's Edwardian.

So the price is down here.

And it says, "music table 17 pounds."

What?

Yeah.

Is that it?

That's it.

Are you joking?

No, I'm not joking.

We'd have like tons of change left.

NARRATOR: Nod off.

And now, what will Jim make of that?

Have you heard of the Newlyn School?

Yeah.

That is Newlyn School.

NARRATOR: Nosy Parkers.

What would you do with it?

Well, exactly.

I think it's too big.

It's a very good question.

Put it in the middle of the table, and put nuts on it.

NARRATOR: Mm.

Brazils.

The Newlyn School started when the fishing industry started getting a bit dodgy in about 1890.

And they had to employ the fishermen, and they taught them to beat copper.

And they made all the copper work.

Some of me family in St. Ives, or some relation fishermen, ended up painting and using his boat house to sell his paintings from.

Because there was more people there looking at this at art school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

NARRATOR: It can't be long before someone buys something, can it?

I think with the 400 pounds, we'll be pretty close to spending it all.

Why not, you know?

And then we can make the profit of getting lots more money back.

NARRATOR: That's the spirit.

That's a bangle or bracelet.

Wow.

It's amazing.

It says, "antique silver" on it.

Probably is going to be Indian.

So it's like a cuff.

So what year is this?

So you wear it that way.

I think it's probably 1930s.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

What have you got on there?

What gods have you got?

You've got a Buddha there.

Some deity on a horse-- or on a cow.

Sorry.

They're quite cool, isn't it?

It is.

It's a good looking thing.

Can I take it off?

Yeah.

Because I'd have a more detailed look.

Look at my torch there.

Can you see the holes in it?

Oh, yeah.

Which might affect what you think, but it's ages.

It's got some age to it.

What's that got to be?

Do you know?

The price?

Yeah, it's 58.

58.

Do you know dealer?

Does he live around?

He's not, but he tends to be quite lenient.

I could be cheeky, and ask for 30.

I think that might be pushing it a bit far, yeah.

I'd say probably the lowest he's going to want to go to on that would be 45.

Oh, really.

Not 40?

40?

May at 40.

Yeah.

It is cool.

What do you think that would go for?

I think at 40 quid, I mean, that is worth giving a go.

It could make 40 to 60 pounds.

Because it's a nice bit of antique silver.

And it's unusual.

You like that?

I do like that.

We could go for that.

NARRATOR: Nancy's almost off the mark, and Jim and Charlie are just about on the same page.

Well, more or less.

Oh, ho.

Look at this.

- Oh, yeah.

- I love that.

Sure is cool.

Jim, you have a look through there.

Tell me who you can see.

Oh, wow.

Oh, it's Blondin.

Has he fallen off?

And he's-- actually it says, "Dixon."

Did someone else do it?

I thought it was just Blondin who did it.

Dixon's a man that made the picture.

No.

It says Dixon crossing the Niagara.

What?

Look at it at the bottom.

"Dixon crossing now on a rope."

Who's Dixon?

NARRATOR: Funambulist Samuel J. Dixon crossed in 1890.

A bit later than Blondin, but he did it in style.

Hey, look he's spinning a little circle.

He's got a hula hoop on his ankles.

That's absolutely amazing.

Tourists admiring the view.

Yeah.

The fairy that's queen of the mist, or whatever she's called.

Oh, look at that.

Can I have it and put it in the machine?

Well, it's mainly just pictures of Niagara Falls and people relaxing and looking at it.

Brian May is very interested in these things, isn't he?

Is he?

Yeah.

He's got a book out with them.

I'll tell you what I do like.

The fact it's in its original box, which is made to look like a volume, which is lovely.

And the book with it.

So it is complete.

What's that?

A little history of the Niagara Falls?

- It's a little accompanying-- - What's that?

A map of it?

--it's a map.

Well, it's a nice little thing altogether, isn't it?

How much is it?

149.

Crikey.

Where did he get that price from?

The machine is worth 30 quid.

Yeah.

And those pictures wholesale are worth two quid each.

There's about 18 of them.

36, 46, 66 quid.

Wanna offer for 50, don't you?

He's not gonna have that, is he?

How do you know?

Guys, you don't ask, you don't get.

NARRATOR: Yeah.

Well, you call the dealer then Cass.

The others have just about bought a bangle.

And now, they're back at that music table.

Zach?

Yeah.

There's this table here we saw a lot earlier.

It's lovely.

We like it.

And do you know it's 17 quid?

Bargain.

Can we offer you a tenner for it?

That seems like a steal as it is, doesn't it?

That's a bit cheaping.

- It does, doesn't it?

Oh, come on, Zach.

Look at Nancy.

[LAUGHTER] All right, then.

All right, then?

So that's 50 quid.

- Yeah.

- For that and this.

Yeah?

- Yes.

OK.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No worries.

NARRATOR: Good start, you two.

Brilliant.

Let's go.

Let's go.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Charlie is teetering on a precipice, so as to speak.

Be perfectly frank with you I think if it makes 75 quid at auction, I'd have to buy it for slightly less, which probably is not going to excite you.

You know, I think you are a complete and utter gentleman.

NARRATOR: Sounds promising.

Cheers.

Bye.

And?

Well, offered him 50 quid.

Yeah.

And he didn't put the phone down.

And I've done a deal at 60.

So that's perfect.

NARRATOR: It's quite a deal, Charlie.

That's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, we are the winners.

Yeah, we are.

(BOTH) We are the Champions.

NARRATOR: As Brian May might say.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

We'll come back for the item later.

- Absolutely.

- Could you have it wrapped?

I will have it wrapped with the bow.

Good day.

NARRATOR: Yes, it has been rather well done.

Now, let's call it a day.

Nighty night.

[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Next day, Jim's ears must be burning.

He's a terribly talented man, isn't he?

Unbelievable.

Plays instruments-- writes scripts, performs.

Got the impression there's really nothing he can't do.

NARRATOR: Don't forget guessing the age of things.

Over there looks like a Victorian painting.

It does.

Those cows and then moss.

What was that?

The Pre-Raphaelite.

Where a Boutwell lot around here In that field.

[LAUGHTER] All of them.

You get Ma Holeman Hunt, all of them.

They're all hanging about in that field.

NARRATOR: Yesterday Nancy and Thomas purchased just a silver bracelet and a music table.

Meaning, they still have 350 pounds to spend.

Whist Jim and Charlie picked up a box from Eastbourne, a threepenny brooch, a stereoscopic viewer and slides, and a Barge Ware jug.

Mrs. Parker is going to want that.

NARRATOR: Leaving exactly 300 pounds available for further purchases.

Some of it is rubbish, kind of rubbish.

Something is a bit Do people like to buy rubbish, do they?

Do you like tightrope walking?

Do I?

Yeah.

I do it every day.

NARRATOR: Now, remember Jim's Lovejoy fantasy?

This would make a suitably moody location.

So what are we going to do then?

We're going to spend that 300 quid we've got.

That money we've got left.

(BOTH) That 3 pounds.

300 pounds.

I'm very excited.

We did very well yesterday.

Did you?

We bought two, and we spent a fraction.

Two, but they are amazing.

We'll buy something sensational.

And old.

See you later.

Goodbye.

Have a lovely day.

NARRATOR: Later they'll been motoring up to London for that Southgate auction, but our next stop is the Kent village of Chilham, home to a shop that local lad Jim frequented once or twice before.

With that 300 quid left, we're going to go to Bagham Barn and we're going to get some bargains in Bagham Barn.

What sort of bargains have they got in-- (BOTH) Bagham Barn?

[LAUGHTER] There's some good stuff.

You're going to like it now.

There's some proper antiques.

There's some very nice ladies that work in there.

Yeah?

Oh, you said that with a bit of gusto.

And I think that might be amenable to your charms.

NARRATOR: That or Jim's athleticism.

That's how I get out of a car elegantly.

NARRATOR: I hope there's no chafing.

Not getting any easier, is it, to be honest.

How dare you.

[LAUGHTER] It's Peggy, isn't it?

It is.

How are you, my dear?

NARRATOR: All very convivial.

Plus just as Jim promised something interesting and some unusual objects.

There's something up your sleeve.

What about this?

A Victorian skirt lifter.

What that there?

Just above the ankle.

Yeah.

- So you'd have to bend down?

- Bend down and just-- What?

And show it off?

--give a bit of ankle.

Have you ever seen one?

- No.

I've never even heard of one.

Rare.

I could lift me trouser leg and show me sock off.

Because, of course, once upon a time that was something shocking.

- Yeah.

Absolutely.

Not today.

I think what you do, it's when you're walking through puddles and mud.

Really?

To keep your skirt up.

You do that and clip it.

You see it clips.

Yeah.

Nicely clips, chain it up, and walk through the puddle.

Now, you can't do it trousers.

Oh, you wanna bet?

[LAUGHTER] Well that's extraordinary.

Skirt lifter.

Well, I don't know if I want that, but it's a nice bit of history, isn't it?

I'd buy that for 20 quid.

Would you?

What is it, 85?

Yeah.

OK. Let's have a look through here.

Not impressed with the skirt lifter.

NARRATOR: But they may be back.

Now, what about our other pairing?

Whoops.

Close.

[LAUGHTER] Still deep in the Kent countryside, but making their way towards the North coast at Faversham.

What's the jungle like?

It was an experience.

Yeah.

I think I was worried about camping to be honest.

No.

Yeah.

I do not camp.

You are going to the most dangerous part of the jungle where there are spiders, there are snakes.

No.

I wasn't bothered at all about it.

- No?

- No.

Well, how long did you last in the jungle?

Well, Jim came in, and sadly no one took to us, so they chucked us out.

No.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Who needs the jungle when you have the Garden of England anyway?

Plenty of fine towns too, like Faversham, a medieval treat with a long history that includes brewing and gunpowder manufacture.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Nancy.

- Hi, Nancy.

I'm Conan.

- Conan.

- Nice to meet you.

- Hello, again.

Hello, again, Thomas.

Now, I've met Conan before.

OK. NARRATOR: He's met his mom Anne as well.

Hello, Anne.

They've had this establishment in a restored Elizabethan building for a number of years now.

- I've got a good feeling-- - You do?

--at this shop.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: Remember she still has 350 pounds left.

Here we go.

Loves it.

NARRATOR: And thinks that with Thomas's help she's really quite likely to spend most of it.

Good.

- Own it.

Come on, own it.

Work it.

It's a bit tight.

You've got to show it all off, you see?

A bit of this, a bit of that.

Yeah.

Own it.

NARRATOR: I think that's leasing at best.

Show us again, Nancy.

That's better.

Such a pro.

Now, how are things going over at the barn?

Draw near.

I will.

Oh.

An Art Deco chair.

Do you like it?

That's very Deco, isn't it?

So I can see me sitting in this in my conservatory.

- Does it recline?

- Yeah.

Watch.

Oh.

NARRATOR: I think they might finally be in accord on this one.

Oh, I quite like that.

Yeah.

An afternoon snooze.

It is.

It's a good snoozer.

"395."

Is worth it?

What would it make at auction?

What would it make?

150 pounds.

NARRATOR: That doesn't sound very promising.

Anything else, Jim?

That is nice, isn't it?

That's sensational.

This looks Scandinavian.

I've never seen anything quite like that.

Neither have I.

Do you want to know all about it?

Yeah.

Circa 1970s by Graham Peterkin Furniture.

Maker and designer of-- What?

--New South Wales, Australia.

Australia.

So let's take a look underneath it there.

Can you find a label?

There's nothing there.

There's couple of little unusual legs.

Oh, they are unusual.

Skis.

It's 295.

It's cheaper than your chair.

Do you think we'd make a profit?

I think it's very saleable.

I think that's quite a rare thing.

I like that.

Shall we call Peggy over?

Go and get her.

Yes, your Majesty.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in Faversham, things are hotting up.

Look at that.

Oh, that's nice.

You see what that Is?

It's a cigarette lighter.

They are pieces of iconic design.

Can we have a look, Anne, please?

Thank you, Anne.

Thank you.

We can go the whole hog, and there's a pipe there.

The calabash.

- (WHISPERS) Love that pipe.

You like the pipe, do you?

Oh, look at that.

- Look at the lighter first.

- Yes.

Cool.

This is called a Tallboy.

It looks like a building in New York.

Exactly.

That's what it's kind of mimicking-- - Yeah.

- --wasn't it?

It needs a flint, and it needs some gas.

Would it still be able to work?

Yeah.

NARRATOR: I think the ashtray goes with it.

I think have to be 65, wouldn't it, Collin?

65 would do it, I imagine.

So that's solid silver, sterling silver.

That's really good.

But this is a "nurses prize giving?"

I love the fact that you give a nurse prize giving-- (BOTH) An ashtray.

[LAUGHTER] Yeah.

Here's a lighter and an ashtray.

It was 1966.

NARRATOR: Different times.

Now, what about the pipe?

I love this pipe.

The calabash.

Come on.

Sherlock Holmes, eat your heart out.

Watson, what's happening?

NARRATOR: He was always saying that.

It is-- NARRATOR: Good at adding up too.

Just like our Thomas.

Are you working out maths?

I'm working out-- yeah.

What are you-- But standing here?

[LAUGHTER] You said you were good at math.

No.

No.

No.

I didn't [INAUDIBLE].

I'm trying to date it.

Oh, I thought you were working out-- No.

I'm trying to date it.

It's a date letter, K and it's a small k. And it's got the little anchor mark there.

Can you see that little anchor?

Yes, I can.

So that's Birmingham.

Now, Birmingham started in 1900 with a small case "a."

And that's a "k." So 1900 is "a."

Yeah.

11.

Yeah.

But they didn't use certain letters, because they look like the same.

So it's 1909.

Yeah.

That's the year.

The calabash and that's a gourd.

Yeah.

So that's a natural thing [INAUDIBLE]..

I really like that.

Yeah, but it's-- Come on, it's 95 pounds.

Oh, that's a lot of money.

NARRATOR: She's getting the hang of this.

Could there be a deal for all three though?

Let me have a little work out on paper, because my maths isn't fantastic.

Isn't?

OK. All three for 120?

All three for 120.

Let's go and have a bit more of a browse.

And I'll work out if I can get anywhere near that for you.

Thank you very much.

NARRATOR: But while Conan calculates, the sums have already been done at the barn with the price down to 210 pounds on that Australian coffee table and the skirt lifter now part of the negotiation with Peggy.

Look out, Peggy.

So we're going to do a deal then, aren't we?

I'm going to try to.

210 is the best we're going to get on that.

And the skirt lifter?

Yeah.

So what are we going to offer Peggy?

I wanted the two for 210, but that's immovable.

Yeah.

215 for the two.

What you mean?

5 pounds?

Well, I wasn't trying to think of it that way, Jim.

(WHISPERS) Say 225.

(WHISPERS) 220.

220.

Nope.

That was quick.

I'd let you buy it for 40 pounds.

Would you take it at 250?

Yes.

But I think at 40 pounds we'd lose money on it.

Can we have it for 30 quid?

Could you ring them?

Yes.

That's very sweet of you.

20 pounds.

I've doubled my offer.

Are you going down at 20 now?

You can see why I'm not in this business.

NARRATOR: Come on, Peggy.

Do your best.

Charlie and Jim have offered 20 pounds.

Would you consider 20?

OK.

Thank you.

That is very kind, very generous.

20 pounds it's yours.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Finally they've parted with some big money.

Wonderful.

Bye, Peggy.

Bye-bye.

See you soon.

Come on, boss.

NARRATOR: But while the pair in the Healey have just about shot-up, our big rollers are just taking off.

I like this here.

NARRATOR: See what I mean?

You've got a template biplane, which is missing its propeller.

And a shoe company little-- Oh, my god.

That is so cute.

They are sweet.

They are sweet.

The Schuco and it's the tele steering car.

So this is the wheel, which would have attacked wire, which would have gone into the top of the car.

Nice blue.

And it's still in its original box as well.

Which is poor.

It is poor, but you know.

The box is poor.

But it's still got this.

It's instructions.

I love this.

I mean, what child or adult doesn't love this?

Yeah, but it's missing its propeller.

So with all these toys, they've been played with.

Shall we ask?

- Yeah.

We'll ask.

- We might as well ask.

- Yes.

- Bring it to the counter.

Yeah.

What's that?

Oh, you've got it.

- Propeler for a plane.

- You've got it.

It's right there.

Yay!

Thank you.

NARRATOR: Oh, it looks a lot better now.

That was like magic.

It was.

Well done.

NARRATOR: OK.

So then, there were five.

Talk turkey with Conan.

Yeah.

Yes, let's talk.

I can't let that go for less than 40 pounds.

OK. All right.

And this has got the same ticket, so I can do the same with that.

It's 80 quid for those two.

And those I wanted to get close to 120, but 135.

So we're at 215.

215?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Can we go down to 200?

I'm not going to get down to two.

210?

As it's you, I will just lose the extra fiver, and I'll go to 210.

Do you wanna go for it?

Yes, I do.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: So three lots in all.

Lighter and ashtray for 60 pounds, the pipe for 70, and the toys for 80.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye.

NARRATOR: Well, she did have a feeling.

And on that subject, how are we fellas?

[MUSIC - Tommy Roe, "Dizzy"] (SINGING) Dizzy.

My head is turning.

Was that a cover of somebody else's or was that your song?

It was a Tommy Roe song.

1969 Tommy Roe song, which I really liked.

In the comedy way or in a straight way.

- We were like proper pop stars.

- Were you?

Because when I use to do the big night out we open the show without singing a song.

So yeah three.

Top three hits.

Number one and two number three's, but I've never had a number two.

NARRATOR: Our pop star and his amateur crooner chum are taking a short break from the shopping in Canterbury where, just to the North of the cathedral city at the University of Kent, they've come to view a unique collection of cartoons.

How do you do?

I'm Jim.

- Hello, Nick.

- Hi, Charlie.

Good to see you.

Welcome to the University of Kent.

Thank you.

Come and see the British cartoon art.

Let's have a look here.

NARRATOR: The University is the home of 150,000 pioneering works by artists who haven't always been held in the highest regard.

We focus on political cartoons, and that's a wee bit more respectable than-- - Than the Beano.

- Than the Beano.

Yeah.

When was the first political cartoon?

The first political cartoons really are in the 18th century, late 18th century.

So then you were able to print a small number of large single image cartoons, which weren't in publications.

They were sold separately.

And then in the 19th century they come into magazines, and then later on into newspapers.

What sort of effect did these cartoons have on the public?

It undermines everyone, and I think that's the interesting thing about it.

It's this kind of oblong in the paper into which the politicians are dragged from the serious parts of the stories in the rest of the paper.

And they're kind of treated appallingly in this privileged space.

So the cartoonists make them seem human.

They make them seem infantile and they show them doing ridiculous things.

So do any of the cartoonists ever get attacked?

The politicians don't seem to like them, but they never tell them to their face because it's a sign of weakness in a democracy that you have that you feel these things.

It's very interesting that a lot of cartoonists complain about the fact that however viciously they attack somebody, that politician will want the original drawing NARRATOR: Well, happily there's still plenty that the powerful haven't got their mitts on, including several genuine innovators.

Nick, whose work have we got here?

Well, these are cartoons by William Kerridge Haselden.

And Haselden was the first staff cartoonist on a British National paper.

He joins the Daily Mirror at the end of 1903, and continues working for the next 30 odd years.

And we've got "Big and Little Willy."

That's right.

Who were these two then?

Well, that's the Kaiser.

Kaiser Wilhelm, who's "Big Willy," and that's the crown prince who's "Little Willy."

And he's turned him into a gutless, knock-kneed idiot.

That's right.

He's turning him into a figure of fun.

This is a typically British cartoonist response to these figures of threat and hate and fear.

But you make them into childlike figures who don't have the power to frighten or threaten.

There anything specific about his style of cartooning?

The way that he breaks up a story into several frames.

During the war, he was really doing mainly about six different frames, which tell a story as it goes along.

So he was the first person to do that.

He was the first person to do it in a British newspaper.

And also, because he has these long running characters, he's often claimed to be the originator of the strip cartoon.

NARRATOR: The archive also boasts several works by an artist who wasn't particularly interested in the elite.

This is part of Karl Giles' collection.

Karl Giles was a very popular cartoonist who joined the Sunday Express in 1943.

At the end of 1944, he got a job as a war cartoonist.

And he actually went on trips to the front that lasted two or three weeks, cartooning among the soldiers.

So he actually went on the battlefield.

- He was on the battlefield.

- He did sketches?

Yes.

Yes.

If we look at that one in the middle there, there's a German missile-- would you call it shell-- plopped in between them, and they're quite happy about it.

So it suggests-- - It failed to go off.

--in that kind of propaganda way, it's suggesting that the Germans aren't really that competent.

[LAUGHTER] Yes.

It also suggests that the press they're in there with the soldiers.

And Giles was a cartoonist of the ordinary man.

He's very much in this British tradition where great events are seen not in terms of great figures, but are seen in terms of the effect on the ordinary person, the ordinary newspaper reader.

And so here the focus of this isn't the war, but is the ordinary man.

- He's taking it to the people.

- Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: Mightier than the sword.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Now, somewhere in the Kent countryside, Nancy and Thomas are still plowing on.

Taking our trip down to the little village of Barham.

It looks lovely.

It's so pretty, isn't it?

- It is.

- A good day, isn't it?

You must feel excited.

I'm excited.

NARRATOR: That's what we like.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Nancy.

- I'm Christian.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Hi, Christian.

Hi, Thomas.

Nice to see you again.

- Nice to see you.

- How are you?

Yeah.

This is great.

Take your pick.

NARRATOR: Well, after that very successful shop earlier, they don't really need an awful lot.

It's so heavy.

NARRATOR: But that won't stop them looking.

Hello.

[LAUGHTER] - It's like us, isn't it?

- Yeah.

That is us.

There we are.

Oh, where are the antiques?

I'm loving the outfits.

It's a good story though, isn't it?

NARRATOR: Remember they still have 140 pounds.

This is nice.

You like that, do you?

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

It's Chinese.

Yeah.

It's cloisonne.

OK.

So it cells of brass, and then these bits of beads have been placed in here.

Then it's been fired, and these have melted in, and then polished.

That leaves the picture.

That is very clever.

It's cool, isn't it?

How old do you think it is?

- 100 years?

- Yeah.

100 years old.

It's about late 19th, early 20th century.

- Really?

- It's a good thing, isn't it?

Very pretty and lovely colors.

Would you think that's something we should consider?

I'd definitely consider it.

NARRATOR: So is Nancy in charge of negotiations?

It's 75 pounds.

We don't want to be paying more than 40 for it.

Really?

I think you got a chance.

- OK. - You've got a chance.

OK.

I'll try.

Yeah.

I'm going to try.

Christian?

How are you getting on?

Really well.

Well, we saw this.

I'll get it.

I'll pick it up.

And we love it.

I love it.

So I would like to buy it.

OK. NARRATOR: Stand by.

[LAUGHTER] (WHISPERS) What's your best offer?

Yeah.

What is your best offer?

How does 60 get you?

Can we go lower?

Well, obviously lower.

We can go high if you like.

NARRATOR: Jim would.

What about 55?

Can I push you a little bit more?

50?

45?

Please?

As it's you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Go on, then.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Let's do it for 45.

NARRATOR: Pretty close to your target, Nancy.

She's the perfect hiker.

[LAUGHTER] - Thank you.

Thank you, Christan.

- Thank you very much, guys.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Bye.

NARRATOR: And with that final purchase-- I love it.

NARRATOR: --let's have a long, hard look at the substantial piles our teams have accumulated.

You ready?

Like it, like it, like it-- Oh, I'm so excited.

--like it, don't like it-- I know!

--like it.

I guess.

[INAUDIBLE] I did my Watson impression.

Elementary, my dear.

I was very good at haggling, wasn't I?

You were amazing haggling.

The Schuco car, the calabash pipe, the lighter, the plane cost us all 210 pounds.

210.

Oh.

The steal, I know.

Oh, it's so good.

Lovely Indian bracelet, which is very wearable.

Very lovely, yes.

- That was 40.

- 40.

Yes.

- 40?

40 pounds.

Not 4?

Shut up.

40 and the archaic Chinese Cloisonne vase.

I think these four are fabulous.

All of that stuff there.

What's that wheel on the car?

It's one of these driving-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] - Yeah.

It's so cute.

You have a cable that comes up.

Isn't it cute?

I think you've done extremely well.

We bought well.

- Both very good.

- Yeah.

Good.

- Well, do you want to see ours?

- Yes.

- Love to.

- Reveal all.

Excited.

We're going to do a double reveal, aren't we, Jim?

Yeah.

I'll do the top, and you reveal your bottom.

I beg your pardon.

One, two, three!

(ALL) Oh.

[LAUGHTER] - Now, do you know what that is?

- Do you know what that is?

Is it a bottle-- - It's a skirt lifter.

- A skirt lifter.

[LAUGHTER] - What is it?

It's a skirt lifter.

It's for lifting your skirt when you're coming across a puddle.

You clip it on.

- It's a super thing.

- It is.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I need one.

You do.

Yeah.

It could be yours for 150 quid.

[LAUGHTER] I'll give you two.

A stereoscope a with picture, a 3D picture of Dickson, not the amazing Blondin.

Dixon.

- Dixon?

Yeah.

Crossing Niagara.

Across Niagara Falls.

I love the Art Deco table.

- That's lovely.

- Do you?

That's lovely.

It lifts up.

- It lifts up.

- Does it?

It does lift up.

Wonderful hinge top.

- Gorgeous.

- Who is it by?

Do you know it's by?

Is it Danish thing?

No.

No.

It's rarer than a Danish thing.

Is it buy-- [LAUGHTER] Who's it by?

Who's it by?

It's called Graham Peterkin.

[LAUGHTER] Yes.

It's by Graham Peterkin.

Who's Graham Peterkin?

Graham Peterkin.

You mean to tell me you've never heard of Peterkin from Australia?

- We paid-- - 210.

--210.

210?

That's a lot.

But finally.

Yes.

This is our coup de gras.

No.

It might not look much.

A present to Mrs. Parker.

What?

To Mrs. Parker.

If Mr. Parker is in the auction and he's had a row with Mrs. Parker, this is going to solve everything.

- Nancy.

- Yeah.

We better disappear because we need to discuss the Graham Peterkin.

We need to talk about this.

Are you gonna do research?

OK.

I can't believe you've never heard of Peterkin.

[LAUGHTER] - Come on, boss.

See you at the auction.

Quick run.

Quick run.

NARRATOR: And if that wasn't quite honest enough.

Do you want to swap any of their items for any of ours?

No.

So what do you think of their stuff then?

I think it's quite good.

I love the pipe.

I like that little car.

Graham Peterkin?

Who is that?

It's a box on-- it's just basically a box.

But what did you think of it?

I think it's a cool thing.

But would you spend-- 50 pounds.

That's what it's worth.

It's worth 50 pounds.

They're going to make a little bit of money, and it's all going to come down to Peter Poppycock.

[LAUGHTER] Peter Poppycock?

[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: After setting off on the Kent coast of Sandwich, they're now on their way to an auction in London at Southgate for a get together.

I'd like Charlie to be my best friend from now on.

[LAUGHTER] No, I think we go on really well.

You did.

Very good fun.

And I'm going to ask him if he'll be my best friend.

Would Thomas mine, and then we could all go out?

And we'll go [INAUDIBLE] together.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Well, before all that, let's see how the auction goes.

- Here we are then.

- Hello.

Hello, darling.

Are you feeling-- - Confident?

- --confident?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think we've already won.

- Are you confident?

- Yeah.

Of course I am.

- No.

I think I'm very confident.

I think we're going to win, hands down.

Yeah.

Come on.

Let's go and have a look at it.

- OK. Let's go.

NARRATOR: But hurry.

It's about to start.

First, let's remind ourselves of who spent what.

Nancy and Thomas spent 305 pounds on 6 lots, whilst Jim and Charlie partied with 330 pounds also on 6 lots.

I wonder what auctioneer Andrew Jackson thinks will blaze a trail.

Music table, yes.

Quite a nice little thing.

It's a little out of the ordinary.

Might get up to 40 pounds.

The skirt lifter, I've never seen one.

I had to be told what it was.

If it's a rainy day at Ascot, then I suppose it would be quite useful.

Somebody's going to buy it just to have it, and to show their friends I would imagine.

NARRATOR: Hammer time approaches, but first, a presentation.

I've got a little good luck token for you here.

A memento of our trip.

Oh, that's so lovely.

I want to make two little figurines of you and me in it-- [LAUGHTER] --going on holiday.

NARRATOR: Well, Eastbourne is nice at this time of year.

The teabag repository.

It's nice.

Very nice piece.

Velvet patina, worn.

- Look good in my boudoir, yeah?

- You like that don't you.

Yeah.

I do.

Have you got a boudoir?

Yeah.

25 now.

20 to start me.

You won't see another one.

Won't see another one.

No, you won't.

15 then.

15.

15 bid.

Thank you.

- 15 bid?

- 20 now.

We're wiping our face.

Anywhere at 20 now?

All done then at 15.

You didn't make any profit.

No.

It could have been worse.

NARRATOR: That's a very good way of looking at it, Charlie.

Someone's bought it who's auntie lives in Eastbourne, and it's going to make a marvelous Christmas present.

Yeah.

Do you think he's going to put sweeties in the box?

No.

I figured a fiver.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Now, for Nancy's colorful toys.

What's the estimate?

40 to 60.

Don't laugh.

Don't laugh.

NARRATOR: Yeah, you never know.

110.

Yes!

120 now.

110 I'm bid.

120 anywhere?

110 here.

120 now.

120?

I'm so glad we spotted that.

130.

140?

Oh, my God.

Jim, should we go to the pub?

On my left, all done at 130.

There we are.

Yay!

NARRATOR: A very fine start for those two.

Nancy spotted it.

It was all down to Nancy.

There's more to her than meets the eye.

Absolutely.

NARRATOR: Threepenny bits.

Jim and Charlie's brooch is next.

It's threepenny bits.

And knowing how it look, it'll make nine pence.

[LAUGHTER] At 25 now.

Hang on.

OK. 20 then?

20 pounds?

Pretty little thing.

15?

They're not very keen on our threepenny bits.

10?

10 pounds?

it's got to be worth 10.

Threepenny bits, ladies and gentlemen.

At 10 pounds, sir.

Thank you very much.

I know you said five.

We're only losing a bit, Jim.

Bid at 15 then.

10 pounds here.

- That's good.

On my left.

Hold on then.

Unopposed at 10.

- You went down.

- Yeah.

We went down.

- Again.

It does happen.

It does happen quite a lot.

- It does.

What's happening next?

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Nice try, Charlie.

Let's talk about it some more.

You haven't made any money yet.

No.

None at all.

- We've lost quite a bit.

- You can't go to the pub now.

We can.

You pay.

They're waiting.

NARRATOR: But will their first smoking themed lot catch fire?

Oh, here we go.

40, sir?

40 bid.

45?

Oh, nice.

At 40 I'm bid.

5 anywhere?

45, sir?

50?

Anywhere at 50 now?

50 behind?

- Oh, no.

55, sir?

I don't want you making another profit.

60?

5?

70?

5?

80?

It's going up.

75.

75.

All done then at 75.

[AUCTIONEER HAMMER] Yes.

Yes.

NARRATOR: Yes, indeed.

A tidy profit, with the silver bangle to follow.

What are they estimated at?

40.

40 now.

40 pounds?

30 then.

- Oh, dear.

Quite chunky.

That's going down.

- 30 pounds?

- He's right.

It is chunky.

20 pounds?

20 bid.

25?

20 I'm bid.

25, sir?

30?

Here we go.

700.

40?

5?

It's nice.

50?

45 bid.

50 anywhere?

It's a five pound profit.

45 now.

Last time then at 45.

All done.

All done.

We got five pounds.

That's all right.

After commission you've lost money.

Only a little bit.

You've lost loads.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: She's right.

It hardly bucks the trend, but can Jim and Charlie's little skirt lifter pick up a profit?

I know ladies don't often use them nowadays, but you could present biscuits.

[LAUGHTER] 30 I'm bid.

35?

It does what it says on the tin.

At 30 I'm bid.

35 anywhere?

30 pound bid.

Skirt lifter.

[LAUGHTER] At 30 pounds then.

All done then at 30.

All done now.

[AUCTIONEER HAMMER] Well done.

Well done.

We're in business.

NARRATOR: Yep.

Finally in the black.

Hurrah.

Next time we get a hold of a skirt lifter we say belonged to Florence Nightingale, and add another fiver on it.

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Now, you're talking, Jim.

Plus there's your stereoscopic viewer and pictures coming up next.

Are you looking-- who are you looking for?

Brian May.

[LAUGHTER] - Yeah.

Is he here?

No.

35, sir.

Straight in.

40 then.

35 I'm bid.

40?

5 anywhere?

5 now?

40 I'm bid.

- Oh, come on.

This is worth so much money.

- Yes.

50?

50, sir?

We're losing money again, Jim.

Can you believe it?

Last time then.

45 to the right.

- I'm gutted for you.

- Are you?

Yeah.

You look it.

He looks it, doesn't he?

You look really gutted.

I've never seen anybody less gutted in all my life.

NARRATOR: Unfair, Charlie.

Anyway, they have a few risky items themselves, like that pipe.

Calabash.

Remember I did that.

Did you I got really excited again.

You did.

You didn't actually put it in did you?

I think I might have.

It's been in somebody else's mouth.

I think I did, and I got worried.

No.

A bit grim.

I haven't been ill.

I'm just getting brief snippets of this conversation.

You don't like it.

Sorry, Jim.

Sorry.

NARRATOR: Will it blow the opposition away, or just go up in smoke?

You paid 70 for that pipe?

70 pounds?

70 pounds for that pipe.

Do people want pipes that badly?

[LAUGHTER] 35?

35?

35 bid.

Anywhere at 40 now?

- 40.

- Is the gentleman down?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

50?

You like a calabash.

50 sir?

No?

No.

He's had enough.

Very shy.

At 45.

50 anywhere now?

At 45 bid.

A loss.

Last time It is a massive loss, Jim.

Calabash on it.

NARRATOR: Charlie's feeling encouraged.

But is you-know-who here-- Mrs.?

Have you seen the auctioneer's description?

I know.

Yeah.

What Is it?

"Very badly cracked."

Are there any Mrs. Parkers in today?

[LAUGHTER] All right.

Well, 20 pounds.

That's a no then.

15?

Barge Ware, very decorative.

10.

10 pounds.

10 I'm bid.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Parker arrived.

[LAUGHTER] 15 anywhere?

10 to the left.

I guess Mr. Parker's butler bidding on his behalf.

[INAUDIBLE] 10 pounds?

10 quid.

10.

It's what we paid.

NARRATOR: They didn't think it through.

So you didn't make any there?

No.

No.

Are you surprised?

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Can we expect further profits for the vase?

Probably.

This is awful.

All right.

This one on a vase.

It's quality Chinese.

I don't think it's going to do well.

At 50?

Thank you, sir.

55?

50 I'm bid.

Five anywhere?

Quite an imposing vase, good size.

Good size.

It's ghastly, it's not imposing.

50 pounds.

A maiden bid at 50.

It's a lovely vase.

- 55?

- 55.

Yes.

Five?

Go on.

One more.

- What do you mean, Thomas?

Come on.

Come on.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

[LAUGHTER] At 60 then.

All done then at 60.

60.

That's great.

NARRATOR: It is great.

It's a bit one sided though, even if you're not especially competitive.

So at the moment you've probably got enough to put towards a chocolate bar.

[LAUGHTER] Or a packet of crisps.

NARRATOR: Now, the auctioneer was very keen on Nancy's music table.

Irish interest.

That we got for 10 quid.

Irish interest?

It's got some badly carved clover leaves in it.

At 40 now.

40 on this.

Strange that.

35?

Oh, no.

30?

Five it would be 10 sir.

Shut up.

25 then?

Stop me 20.

20 pounds?

15?

10?

Oh, 10.

15, sir?

15.

15 bid.

20 anywhere?

All done then at 15.

One five, that is.

Brilliant.

We did good.

We need to-- NARRATOR: That modest profit merely cements their huge lead.

Last lot coming up.

How much has the coffee table got to make to let us win?

Thousands.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Not quite, but it's a lot.

300 now.

Oh.

300 anywhere?

200?

100?

90?

Well, that's a start.

Now, we're going.

100?

110?

100 bid.

110?

120?

150?

Jim!

A 115, I beg your pardon.

- (SADLY) Oh.

- Sorry.

[LAUGHTER] Steady now.

120, madam?

130?

120 I'm bid.

130 now.

It's Peterkin!

120 now.

Anywhere at 130 now?

Surely.

Last time.

All done at 120.

[AUCTIONEER HAMMER] Oh.

Valiant effort.

- But that's good, isn't it?

- No.

We lost 90 quid.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: And on that note, it's just as well that Jim and Charlie said they weren't really bothered about winning.

This might be strange, but I think we better go and work out who are the winners and who are the losers.

It's touch and go, isn't it?

It is touch and go.

It's very, very close, isn't it?

Very touch and go.

Come [INAUDIBLE].

- Come on, then.

- Let's go.

- Very, very little.

Let's go.

You need a slide rule for this one.

NARRATOR: Hey.

Jim and Charlie started out with 400 pounds, and after auction costs made a loss-- surprise, surprise-- of 141 pounds and 40 pence.

So they finished up with 258 pounds and 60p.

While Nancy and Thomas, who also began with 400, made a tiny loss-- thanks to cost-- of 1 pound and 60 pence.

So they are the winners with 398 pounds and 40p.

I can't believe it.

Four of the finest brains in Britain with 800 quid, and we've lost-- Well, Charlie, it's been a pleasure.

800, Charlie!

You, the bus stop is over that way.

We're going to in the Roller.

[LAUGHTER] Do you know what?

I love working with you, Jim.

Don't we have a laugh?

Well, I've enjoyed working with you.

Will you marry me?

[LAUGHTER] Again?

No.

[LAUGHTER] Joke.

I've never been more insulted.

NARRATOR: I think we've all had a lot of fun.

[MUSIC PLAYING]