VO: The nation's favorite celebrities... Oh, that is good.

VO: ..paired up with an expert...

I like that.

VO: ..and a classic car.

Feeling confident?

Er... VO: Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

(GLASS SMASHES) Look at you.

You're really good!

The aim - to make the biggest profit at auction.

(GASPS) Is it a find?

VO: But it's no easy ride.

XAND VAN TULLEKEN: Hey, come on!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

(MIMICS DUCK) Take me with you.

VO: Take the biggest risk?

Have you got a tow truck?

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

I might have bought rubbish.

Who knows?

VO: There will be worthy winners... Yay!

Wow!

VO: ..and valiant losers.

Come on.

Someone else!

Someone!

VO: Put your pedal to the metal!

Aah!

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

Today, we're gonna be shopping in the land of the brave, with a couple of craftsperson TV judges.

KEITH: Hey, baby, we're out on the roads of Scotland.

(GEARS CRUNCH) There you go.

I'm in third now.

I think I'm in third.

ESME: Well, I don't know whether you should be in third, second or fifth.

Nor am I!

ESME: (LAUGHS) VO: They may not quite have got the hang of the Herald just yet, but in their respective fields, potter Keith Brymer Jones, and by his side, costume designer Esme Young, are the creme de la creme.

Not to mention bon ami.

I can't actually remember how we met.

KEITH: Was it just a Christmas party?

ESME: I think it was.

KEITH: Yeah.

VO: Keith's best known for TV's The Great Pottery Throwdown, but he's also a hugely successful ceramicist who was fired up... ha-ha!

..from an early age.

Well, I'm dyslexic.

Me, too.

KEITH: Oh, well, there you go.

Dyslexics have a much better affinity with shape, form and volume.

ESME: Yes.

VO: Esme found fame on TV show the Great British Sewing Bee, after almost 50 years as a fashion icon, designing frocks for A-lister stars and many a memorable movie.

But they both face a steep learning curve today.

So, how are you feeling about being advised by experts?

Cuz you're an expert on the Sewing Bee.

Yeah.

KEITH: So, are you good at taking advice?

Not really!

VO: (LAUGHS) All part of the challenge, er, throwdown, to our antique authorities.

Look, in the Morris Minor.

CHARLES: This car actually is really easy... (GEARS CRUNCH) ROO (LAUGHS) CHARLES: Sorry!

It is easy to drive.

VO: Ha ha!

Plus, it dates from a time before seat belts were mandatory.

Unlike the youthful Charles Hanson from Derby, and Scotland's very own Roo Irvine.

ROO: Now this is our first time sitting side-by-side in a car.

I'm quite nervous.

Are you?

CHARLES: And also, we're going to meet some very "now" people.

Oh, yes.

Keith and Esme.

Oh, I can't believe it.

VO: Oh, you better had!

Believe also that one of the quirks of this Herald is a lap belt for the driver.

So, Keith's sporting one of those instead of the normal over the shoulder variety.

Also, that our two celebrities are ever so slightly clueless about the whole making money out of antiques business - ha!

KEITH: I know what I like, and I like buying second hand furniture and things like that, but I'm not really an antiques sort of...

Neither am I. ESME: I love vintage shops and jumble sales... VO: Which is good.

ESME: ..and I've got this whole selection of Jubilee mugs.

So you obviously like collecting things, then?

VO: Wow, they both seem like very promising beginners anyway.

Plus, they will have £400 each, and a car.

ESME: Oh!

(LAUGHS) KEITH: Oh, let's go... Let's go back into second.

VO: Let's!

Ha ha!

VO: Their journey will very much be around and about Glasgow, Scotland's most populous city.

Starting out in Rosebank, beside the River Clyde... We're here.

..at the Clyde Valley Antiques Centre.

ESME: Off we go.

The competition begins.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) VO: Thanks, Esme.

Nicely put!

Inside, it's already under way, with our experts rummaging nicely.

What-ho!

KEITH: (RINGS BELL) KEITH: Hello!

ROO: Oh, hi!

Shop's open!

ROO: Are you excited?

KEITH: Yes, I am.

ROO: Are you an antiques buff?

Cuz I know you're a pottery buff.

Not really.

ROO: No?

KEITH: No.

What would be your dream find today, in terms of pottery?

KEITH: Early Wedgwood.

Do you think we'll find some today?

Dunno.

There's some decent stuff here.

ROO: Well, if we do, we've won.

KEITH: Yeah!

ROO: Yeah.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) VO: That went well.

Hello.

Are you beating someone up there?

That's right.

I'm just getting in the mood.

How are you?

I've got one of those.

Have you?

Are you all set?

I actually know nothing about antiques.

No.

Well, thanks for coming.

ESME: (LAUGHS) VO: Honesty always pays, of course.

But an in-depth browse can usually produce enough to tempt any celebrity.

So, this cabinet here has some lovely objects.

And there's one thing here I quite like.

CHARLES: Right, this I love.

It's Asprey of Bond Street.

It's not just this wonderful, sort of white, polished onyx, but if you look really closely, you've got this almost line of lapis lazuli.

ESME: Yeah, yeah.

So is that for ink?

CHARLES: Yes, that's your pen rest.

ESME: Yes.

CHARLES: It's hallmarked.

The date code is 1926.

I mean, look at the quality.

This is sort of '20s, high-end luxury.

ESME: How much is it?

100 quid?

Times it by three.

ESME: 300... CHARLES: £300.

It's one of those lots which could move.

ESME: Right.

CHARLES: It's got legs.

You're not keen, are you?

ESME: It isn't my cup of tea.

CHARLES: No.

But if it could make money, I might change my mind.

VO: Seems she's got the hang of it already.

And now, what about our Keith?

I like that.

ROO: Do you?

KEITH: Yeah, that's interesting.

ROO: See the detail on that.

KEITH: Yeah.

Now, they do say you should never polish silver or silver plate.

Oh, right.

ROO: Hmm.

KEITH: Oh, OK. Because that makes it look like it's made yesterday.

Oh, I see, I see.

ROO: But had this not been polished, you would not see that level of detail.

KEITH: No, no, absolutely.

ROO: It says here on the tag, "Indian?"

But I don't know, the figures, it's looking almost like an Ottoman Arabic scene as opposed to Indian.

KEITH: Right.

ROO: And do you know what you would put on here?

KEITH: "Marge."

VO: Ha-ha!

The name of his missus.

"Marge and Keith forever"?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, yeah.

KEITH: I mean, is that a hallmark?

ROO: It is.

I mean, if it was just metal, would they go to the effort to brand it with a mark?

KEITH: Yeah, yeah.

ROO: Well, it's £65.

Look at condition.

OK.

It's had a wee bit of a knock here.

KEITH: I know.

I kind of like that, though.

ROO: Do you?

KEITH: Yeah, yeah.

I kind of like things that have been knocked about a bit.

But it's just a nice card case.

It's a good size.

But that's a handsome thing.

Do you like it enough to try and talk price?

I think so, yeah.

65.

We'd really want it... 50?

Oh, really?

Oh, OK. Well, how are you at haggling?

I'm not great.

I must admit.

You're a teddy bear, aren't you?

I kind of am, yeah.

You won't be by the end of this.

Oh, right, OK. ROO: Let's keep looking, but I think that's a strong contender.

KEITH: No, I like it.

I like it.

ROO: Yeah?

We're on the same page.

VO: The same page!

And what's more, he's also fond of the national poet.

What do you reckon?

Is it kind of a bit like me?

VO: (WITH A SCOTTISH ACCENT) Nooo!

Not much sign of any poetry between our other pair just yet.

Perhaps Charles just needs to get on Esme's wavelength.

In terms of style, are you an art deco lady?

Fast living, jazz?

ESME: I do like jazz.

CHARLES: Do you?

ESME: And I do like art deco.

CHARLES: Do you?

Good.

ESME: Yeah.

CHARLES: I thought you would.

I like art nouveau as well.

Do you like the '70s?

Or are you more antiquey collectable?

Well, I opened a shop called Swanky Modes... CHARLES: Wow.

ESME: ..in the '70s.

CHARLES: What were you selling?

ESME: Clothes.

Wow.

There's a monster sewing machine behind you.

My mum had a sewing machine like that, which I've got.

CHARLES: Yes.

And then I've got four industrial sewing machines, and one domestic sewing machine.

And didn't you do DiCaprio's shirt, as well?

ESME: I did.

CHARLES: On The Beach.

ESME: Yeah, I did.

CHARLES: I love that film.

VO: It's a Singer with case, priced at £65.

I love it because you've got the lid to it as well.

And to me, beautifully lacquered, gilts, and a work of art, from probably 1920, 1900.

CHARLES: They are growing in value.

I think people now do see the value of handicraft.

And these sewing machines were made to last, and they really are increasing in value.

ESME: Are they?

CHARLES: Yeah, they are.

CHARLES: I would say 10 years ago it would have been £25.

Well, I think I have to, don't I?

It's very tempting, isn't it?

(LAUGHS) VO: Quite!

Feels like we're all nicely bonded now.

So what's this, Roo?

Oh, that's nice.

What drew you to that, first of all?

The horns.

ROO: Really?

KEITH: Oh, yeah.

I like a horn.

VO: (LAUGHS) Don't we all!

My mother used to make amazing cream horns.

ROO: Oh!

VO: A ring holder, made of mother of pearl.

ROO: Now, what would make that extra special is if that was silver, and not silver plate.

So, can you see any markings?

KEITH: Oh, yes, I can see an anchor.

Oh, so that's Birmingham made.

Oh, is that right?

So, in a way, that elevates it.

Because you've got a luxurious material like mother of pearl.

KEITH: Yeah.

You've got British hallmarked silver.

KEITH: Yeah.

ROO: You've got this... (LAUGHS) You're liking that, aren't you?

KEITH: Yeah, we should get this.

Well, how much is it?

KEITH: 55 quid.

ROO: Hmm.

So that really needs to come down quite a bit for us to make any kind of money on it.

We want margin, Roo.

We want margin.

But it's beautifully executed.

ROO: Yeah.

KEITH: A bit like me.

ROO: (LAUGHS) Do you know what, actually, if you were a vase, you would definitely be an early Wedgwood.

VO: Uh-oh, there's someone on the lookout for just that.

Now, what's Keith up to?

KEITH: Oi, Esme.

What?

What do you reckon?

I think you should have it on your head.

Really?

Or, actually, you could have it round your neck.

KEITH: (IN A SILLY VOICE) Hello.

Hello.

VO: She is a fashion guru after all.

So, how's it been going?

Have you found anything?

Not saying.

(LAUGHS) You dark horse, you!

What about you?

Surprisingly, we've gone for lots of really small things.

KEITH: It's really bizarre.

I like big things.

KEITH: That's why I'm drawn to you, cuz I like small things.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) Small and perfectly formed!

VO: Several items, some small, are under consideration.

No actual deals done as yet, though.

Look at this!

What's this?

ROO: Oooh!

Now, that's cool.

ROO: Is it heavy?

KEITH: It is, actually.

KEITH: I don't know what it is.

ROO: Does one end come off?

KEITH: Yeah, it does.

So that probably would have held an important document, a scroll.

KEITH: OK.

It says it's presented by Bro William Campbell to Invicta Chapter No 547.

That's a mouthful, isn't it?

19th of the 2nd, '55.

ROO: Right.

OK. VO: Could be Masonic.

No ticket price, though.

I think it's a nice thing.

But you have to think about who would buy it.

It is...

The scroll market is not really going to be our demographic, but isn't that the thing, though?

Isn't that the beauty of stuff?

ROO: Yes.

It's like your bit of tat is my amazing, wonderful thing, that I've been looking for for the whole of my life.

ROO: That's what they say.

Everything will sell, eventually, to someone.

VO: Sounds like, whatever their reservations, they're going to scroll with it... Ha!

Time to have a word.

KEITH: Hi, Colin.

COLIN: Hello.

Now, we've seen a few bits that we like.

ROO: Mm-hm.

KEITH: And one of them is this.

COLIN: OK. ROO: So we've got the ring holder priced up at 55.

Can we throw a figure at you?

COLIN: OK. 45.

Yeah, we can do that.

And the scroll holder... 50 quid?

No?

ROO: More sort of like... 40?

I prefer 50!

ROO: 45?

COLIN: 45.

ROO: And the white metal case at 65.

What amazing price, unbelievable, like, you know, blow my head off.

COLIN: OK, how about £65?

Ah!

I deserved that, didn't I?

And you can have that.

VO: Nice.

KEITH: Oh, OK. ROO: Ah!

KEITH: OK. ROO: Right, OK, so 65 for the two.

ROO: And you said 45 for the scroll holder.

So that's 110.

Would you do all three for 100?

OK. Yeah.

VO: Thanks, Colin.

Making those 25, 35, and £40.

Now, 300 left.

ROO: Is that easier than you thought?

KEITH: Well, it was with you.

ROO: Thank you.

I'll take that as a compliment.

VO: Now, while they tootle off... KEITH: (TOOTS CAR HORN) ROO: Toot, toot!

VO: ..let's catch up with Esme.

I noticed this necklace... CHARLES: Down here?

ESME: ..that I absolutely love.

And I'd absolutely wear it.

CHARLES: Would you really wear it?

"Edelweiss"...

It's wax.

CHARLES: Handmade... ESME: Wow.

CHARLES: Victorian bride's tiara... ..that's not a tiara, is it?

CHARLES: There we are.

ESME: Hang on, hang on.

CHARLES: Oh, beautiful.

VO: Seems to fit nicely.

CHARLES: How much is it?

ESME: 85.

I think it's a good object.

I think it's not expensive.

VO: Yeah, it could be worn as a necklace.

Plus, there's the sewing machine priced at £65, and the £300 ink stand, which she wasn't quite so keen on earlier.

Alan's all ears, look.

I think we'll start with what is a tiara-cum-necklace.

Right.

How much could it be?

What's the very best on that?

I can do that for £40 for you.

I love this, so... OK. CHARLES: Alan, thank you very much.

Now, what I quite like, and my partner is coming around to... ALAN: Uh-huh.

..is art deco, 1926, white onyx, silver mounted, Asprey Bond Street, lapis lazuli, inset inkwell.

What's the best price?

150 he can do for you.

CHARLES: That's half price.

It's been... Oh, well, I think we've got to go for it, don't you?

CHARLES: We'll take that as well.

Can we make it a hat trick?

We've also seen the sewing machine.

65.

Again, we can do a deal for you there.

£30?

CHARLES: £30?

ESME: Yeah.

CHARLES: 30... ALAN: Yeah.

CHARLES: .. plus 40 is 70.

ESME: Plus... CHARLES: Plus the 150... 220.

CHARLES: Do me a disco move.

ESME: No.

CHARLES: Right.

CHARLES: I'm feeling... ESME: (LAUGHS) Yes!

VO: Ha-ha!

Another big deal done.

CHARLES: Bye.

ALAN: Right, bye.

VO: ..with 180 left over.

Oh!

I've got long arms.

ESME: Well, that's lucky.

VO: And while they load up and head to the next shop... ..we'll find out where her old china plate's got to, having now mastered the Herald.

When did you first start doing pottery?

Were you a wee lad?

Oh, 11.

First year of secondary school.

I touched my first piece of clay... ROO: Ooh!

..and honestly, it was like a religious calling.

ROO: (LAUGHS) The second I touched that clay, I just knew this substance was gonna be in my life forever.

And how many pieces do you make in a day?

When I was throwing for big retailers, anything between 600-900 pieces a day.

ROO: (GASPS) KEITH: Yeah!

So your hands must move faster than the eyes can see, those tennis rackets of yours.

It's the speed of the wheel.

Right.

KEITH: If you've got a really fast moving wheel, you can obviously make the pots faster.

VO: Their really quite sedate wheels are conveying them to the nearby city of Glasgow, where our potter is taking a break from shopping to find out about a unique cultural object, something which originated in the Highlands to become a treasured part of the nation's culture.

Quaich maker, Tony Blacker.

Hi, Tony.

Good to see you.

We're here to talk about, is it quaichs?

Quaichs.

It's a Scottish whisky drinking bowl, two-handed.

So how do you say it again?

TONY: Quaich.

KEITH: Quaich.

Quaich, yeah.

Roll your "C-H" like loch.

KEITH: So, I make pottery.

I'm always banging on about bowls being my favorite shape.

I was told by a very eminent curator at the British Museum we've been using a bowl ever since we came out of the caves.

KEITH: And how old do you think this form is then?

Certainly since before like 1500.

Right.

Back in the 1500s, King James went and gave one to his wife, Anne of Norway, for her wedding.

VO: King James' gift led to the wedding tradition of what could be described as a Scottish loving cup, although the quaich's two-handled form had almost certainly originated as a peacemaker in dangerous times.

So, Tony, how would you drink out of it?

Like that?

Well, you drink two-handed.

So yeah, it's a very sort of intimate gesture to offer someone a drink.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah.

The history is that if you have your two hands occupied by the bowl, then you're less likely to be digging into your pockets for a knife or a blade.

ROO: Which is the best wood to use for making the perfect quaich?

Maybe not easiest, but yeah, I like the elm.

It's very labor intensive, you know, there's a lot of little pips and burrs that have to be filled and stuff like that, so a lot of work goes into making them a practical bowl.

KEITH: Right, OK, OK. VO: One of the chief popularizers of the quaich was the great Scottish writer and collector, Sir Walter Scott.

Amongst those he sipped his whisky from was one made from an elm tree that stood at the Battle of Waterloo, and another that had belonged to Bonnie Prince Charlie himself.

ROO: The handle is part of the actual wood.

Yeah, it's almost like the rings of Saturn, if you can imagine, when the bowl's turned.

KEITH: Yes, yeah, yeah.

And that's quite a skill.

Yeah, yeah.

So you're quite skilled.

TONY: Erm... ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: Time to step into the workshop, so that Keith can get the skinny from a fellow craftsman on how it's all done.

TONY: We drill a hole in it so that it can be mounted in the jaws of the lathe.

So that's the first stage of turning, is to turn the bottom side of the bowl.

KEITH: Yeah.

And then we turn the little bit on the bottom.

KEITH: So, you have to get a nice kind of form in there.

TONY: Yeah, yeah.

We don't have any templates for it.

It's just done by muscular memory.

Your eyes can pick up certain imperfections, but your hands will pick them up in an instant.

So, is it always whisky you drink from it?

No, it doesn't have to be.

The quaichs that we turn are just the right size for a wee dram.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah, fantastic.

And because you oil them, I suppose, it makes them waterproof?

The oil does make them waterproof, but we also have to use an epoxy resin to fill because the whisky can disappear.

KEITH: Yeah.

Do people still use quaichs nowadays, or are they more ceremonial?

I don't think they're used in a sort of practical, everyday sense.

It's a very special occasion that would need the use of a quaich.

Tony, can I have a go at sanding this down?

Yeah, absolutely.

I've got some tools there, ready for you.

VO: Here we go.

ROO: So that's quite a laborious process.

KEITH: Yeah, but it's lovely, though, isn't it?

ROO: So what do you think?

Has he got the right sort of technique?

Would you hire him?

I think he's done this before.

ROO: Tony, I think he's after your job.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) VO: Yeah, is there no end to his talents?

Now, what about our other craftsperson, and crafty expert pairing?

CHARLES: Don't you think we work well together?

I think so.

Are you feeling in safe hands?

Yes, ish.

ESME: My brother... CHARLES: Yeah?

ESME: ..had various Morris Minors.

They had... (CAR HONKS DULLY) CHARLES: Is that?

That's a honk.

ESME: (LAUGHS) (HORN HONKS) CHARLES: It's not... it's not a cow.

ESME: Is it the cow?

CHARLES: We are attracting cows.

(HORN HONKS) ESME: Are they going to leap over the fence?

CHARLES: There'll be a stampede!

VO: Let's hope not, Charles.

(COW MOOS) Your career has spanned a few years, but also, do you know, you've worked on some terrific clothes on these amazing blockbuster films as well.

And then, of course, The Sewing Bee.

When did that happen?

ESME: Well, I was chatting to this woman, so I said, "What do you do?"

And she said, "Oh, I'm a producer on a telly program."

And I said, "Oh, what's it about?"

And she went, "Sewing."

So I went, "Oh, really?"

There were 17 people who auditioned, and I got it.

VO: Those two are also now pointing towards Glasgow, en route to their very next shopping opportunity in the city's east end... CHARLES: Let's park here.

ESME: Shall we?

CHARLES: Here's the shop.

ESME: Oh, yeah.

VO: ..close to the famous Barrowland Ballroom.

ESME: Oh, this is the day of the dead.

VO: At Randall's Antiques and Vintage Centre.

CHARLES: Here's our shop, Randall's.

VO: With £180 left to spend.

It's often good to divide your forces.

That's one for Esme.

VO: But what exactly will they plump for?

Oh, I say!

Look at that.

(LAUGHS) A hatchet.

VO: Bury it, Esme.

Keep looking.

Now... Ah, look at this.

Look at that for a vase.

ESME: Well it's '60s, isn't it?

CHARLES: Absolutely right.

And you think back to late '60s, early '70s, what was becoming really quite on trend, it was these vases.

West German pots.

Because, look at that beautiful orange, does it take you back to that sort of time?

Were you partying hard?

Of course I was.

CHARLES: (LAUGHS) And you've got this gorgeous twin-banded, almost lava effect, with these big orange blobs.

Turn it upside down.

There's your all-important West German mark.

VO: Often known as "fat lava," it's coming back into fashion.

And, do you know, the shape as well, it's just a great shape.

Have a guess how much this is?

I have no idea.

CHARLES: £25.

ESME: Yeah?

CHARLES: It's not bad, is it?

£25 for a cutting edge design from the late 1960s.

care of West Germany.

VO: I think it's a "nicht."

ESME: Can you tell me what this is?

CHARLES: That... ESME: It's bizarre.

It is bizarre.

I quite like that.

ESME: (LAUGHS) CHARLES: (LAUGHS) Oh, no!

VO: Control yourself, you two.

CHARLES: So basically, I think it's maybe like a shaving stand, or it could be like a soap dish.

CHARLES: So that's a factory mark for Adrien Koch.

A-D-R-I-E-N, Koch, K-O-C-H. ESME: OK. CHARLES: And he was a great Dutch potter with a big factory, making this sort of ware, in what you'd call the Quimper or Brittany, French tradition.

And this would date to around 1900.

I'm going to guess, how much is it?

£50?

ESME: Yeah.

CHARLES: Is it really?

Well, you should know.

CHARLES: Get out of here!

VO: I think he's blushing.

I'll take a little picture.

Pull a pose.

I love that!

Brilliant!

CHARLES: It's going very well.

Myself and Esme, I feel like there's a real connection.

Her and her stitching and needlework and sewing, and me and my passion to try and, shall we say, deliver the needle in spiking the true find.

VO: Well, I'm not sure what that was all about, but their search goes on with Rosa standing by on deal duty.

What I quite like is over here, this.

ESME: What?

Ah-ha!

CHARLES: Just protruding from this little cavity of antiques.

OK. You've got this interesting table.

What do you think of this?

"Chinese table carved with sea life."

The reason I like it, it's a hard wood.

ESME: Right.

CHARLES: And in some respects, the market, anything Chinese, Asian, has taken off.

ESME: There's a crab.

CHARLES: There's what, sorry?

Isn't that a crab?

Yeah, it is a crab, and lobster maybe?

And it's just well-made.

And look at the patination.

It's got a lovely color about it.

Quite hard to achieve in a hard wood.

VO: Late 19th century, with a ticket price of more than they have - ha!

Mental note.

Does it appeal to you?

Of course, it's quite low, isn't it?

ESME: Yeah.

You're looking almost fit for purpose around it.

ESME: Am I?

Yeah.

I think, you know, the necklace, and the style.

It's priced 225.

If it could be discounted, it could be a definite maybe.

VO: Yeah.

Gird your loins.

CHARLES: Hello, Rosa.

How are you?

ROSA: I'm fine, thank you.

CHARLES: Good to see you.

The Chinese table.

It's priced at 225.

And I just wonder... What about 155?

CHARLES: Oh, hello... VO: Esme?

ESME: Can you make it any less?

150, that gives you a little bit of a margin.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

VO: Certainly is.

Deal done.

150 quid.

ESME: I'll leave it there for you.

VO: Not exactly taking it with them, though.

Car is this way.

VO: Just £30 left for tomorrow.

CHARLES: Hold tight.

VO: Go on, Charles!

Back out into the countryside now, with one full day of shopping under their belts.

ROO: Have you enjoyed it?

Yeah, it's been fantastic.

Yeah?

So you could maybe have a new career in antiques now.

Only if you were with me.

KEITH: I don't think I could do it on my own.

CHARLES: I think we're both buzzing.

I might be the antique bee, you're the sewing bee.

You know, we can buzz together.

ESME: Well I am... Oh, yeah.

ESME: Do you know what?

We could make a cotton reel table, and a cotton reel set of chairs.

Out of what?

Well, cotton reels.

Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

VO: Night night!

VO: Next morning, our celebrities are determined to ignore the change in the weather.

ESME: How was yesterday?

KEITH: It was great.

KEITH: My expert, Roo... ESME: Yeah?

KEITH: I thought she was amazing.

She did a great deal.

What are you like at negotiating?

Hopeless!

VO: Horses for courses, eh?

That's part of what Charles was there for.

It was great having him.

Well, yeah, stick to what you know.

I wouldn't ask him to sew a dress for me.

KEITH: No, maybe not.

Don't ask me to sew a dress either.

VO: (LAUGHS) Well, if you'd like to get started, there's going to be a sewing machine at the auction thanks to Esme, along with a Chinese table, an ink stand, and a Victorian wedding tiara... Actually, you could have it round your neck.

(IN A SILLY VOICE) Hello.

Hello.

VO: ..which means she has just £30 left to spend today.

While Keith plumped for a card case, a scroll holder, and a ring holder... We want margin, Roo.

We want margin.

VO: ..leaving him with £300 for whatever takes his fancy today.

KEITH: Well, we've got a few items in the boot.

Shall I drive you somewhere nice?

ESME: Oh, please.

I think I know just the place.

KEITH: Mind you, I don't know what we're gonna see.

I'll just put the windscreen wipers back on.

ESME: Yeah, good idea.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) VO: Meanwhile, their experts are mindful of the weight of responsibility.

Esme is quite competitive.

ROO: Is she?

CHARLES: She's being say to me, "Those big spends, that table, that ink stand, "I'm feeling the pressure."

It's all very well blowing the hot air of history.

I've now got to smoke it up.

VO: Yeah, don't panic just yet.

Let's see what the celebrities make of each other's purchases first.

KEITH: Well I've brought you up here to look at the view.

ESME: Oh, and how marvelous is that?

(LAUGHS) KEITH: Isn't it stunning?

VO: Well, might not be seeing it at its best today... ESME: Are we gonna take off?

KEITH: (LAUGHS) (IN A COCKNEY ACCENT) Mary Poppins!

ESME: (LAUGHS) VO: Time to have a peak in the boot.

KEITH: Duh-duh-duh, the big reveal.

KEITH: Dah!

ESME: Ooh.

KEITH: Wow.

What's that?!

ESME: Well, it's a tiara.

KEITH: Right.

But it's a necklace for me.

Oh!

KEITH: You're not buying for you.

So how much was it?

I'm not telling you.

KEITH: And what is this, is this like a writing set?

ESME: Yes.

It's Asprey, and it's 1920s.

Oh, wow.

ESME: What's that, then?

KEITH: We think it's a masonic scroll holder.

Ooh!

Is that a thistle?

KEITH: Yeah.

I dunno whether any one is gonna want it as much as I do.

Well, that's the whole thing.

KEITH: I know.

It's good seeing your items, because I feel that yours are just as strange as mine.

KEITH: So... KEITH: This is a ring holder, apparently.

I like it because it's so ornate for such a mundane thing.

KEITH: But isn't it... ESME: Yeah, but if you were putting diamond rings on, you'd want something ornate.

Yeah, that's right.

KEITH: And apparently that's mother of pearl, yeah.

ESME: And I've got loads of rings I could put on there.

Well, there you go.

And I like writing.

Yeah.

Are you going to steal it?

Well, it's in the back of my boot, so.

ESME: Hmm.

Shall we get back in the car?

ESME: Oh, let's.

KEITH: Yeah.

VO: Good idea.

Meanwhile, the sun seems to be shining back in Glasgow, close to the River Clyde, at Finnieston, where Keith's about to get started at Finnieston Antiques.

Despite being towards the west of the city, there's quite a few oriental treasures in here.

Just has to locate his expert first.

ROO: (CLANGS GONG) VO: Here he comes.

Roo.

Bond, I've been expecting you.

You're late.

Are you ready for your mission?

I am.

ROO: Am I scary?

No?

No, you're not scary.

KEITH: Come on, let's buy some more stuff.

Let's do it, 007.

Let's do it!

ROO: Let's go get some antiques.

VO: License to rummage!

ROO: See, it's almost like a cabinet of curiosities.

KEITH: Oh, look, look, look, down there.

ROO: (GASPS) Oh, my goodness.

You've found it.

What's it called?

KEITH: A quaich.

ROO: Yes.

Spoken like a true Scotsman.

Now this one is pewter.

This is more the traditional quaich that you see.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah.

ROO: Often made of pewter.

Silver ones, that's quite rare to find.

KEITH: OK, so there's not much value to it, really.

Let's get rid of it, then.

But that's a good spot, you're gonna see quaichs everywhere now.

VO: You could get a lot of whisky in there.

He still has £300 to spend, remember.

Now, going solo for a bit.

I just love that tribal mask.

It's really quite impressive.

Wow, what a thing.

KEITH: Oi, Roo!

ROO: (LAUGHS) Have a look!

No way to summon a lady!

ROO: That's funky.

Very different from what we bought already, but that looks like it's got quite a bit of age to it, because look at the hair.

That's because it is probably matted over time.

It's kind of like balsawood.

VO: No price, and probably expensive.

KEITH: I almost feel like I want to give it a name.

I think Frank is a good name.

I think he's more of a Horace to me.

KEITH: Oh, Horace.

Really?

ROO: Horace.

KEITH: (IN a SILLY VOICE) Oh, hello, I'm Horace.

VO: He's first on the short list.

Keep looking.

ROO: (BLOWS A DRY NOTE ON HORN) Do you know what?

I played this in the brass band at school when I was 11 years old.

Really?

Did it give you a wee fright?

It did, yeah.

Were you impressed, though?

I was impressed you got a sound out of it.

VO: Now, that's a diplomatic reply.

Now, let's get back to the task in hand.

ROO: Keith?

KEITH: Yes?

Do you like Tiffany lamps?

As a rule, no, but the businessman in me is thinking we probably could get quite a bit for these.

Tiffany lamps do well because the design is iconic, the colors are iconic.

VO: Even if they're only Tiffany-style.

KEITH: Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Looks great, doesn't it?

Now, the good thing is, these are double bulbs.

Yeah, yeah.

And it says 300, but if we could get this south of 150.

Yeah, yeah.

And, as you know, pairs always do well.

It's really hard to find a matching pair of Tiffany-style lamps with the dragonflies, with all the different colors, but right now it's down to the lamps or the mask.

KEITH: Mo!

VO: Time to talk to the dealer.

That mask with the big beard?

Yeah.

How much for that?

The best I can do on this one is £150.

KEITH: OK. OK. ROO: Still a contender?

It's still a contender.

But I'm quite liking these.

Hmm.

It depends on the price of these.

ROO: You've 300 for the matching pair.

Just gonna throw a figure at you.

Could they be 150 for the pair?

Yes.

ROO: Right, decision time.

They're both the same price.

We've got the big hairy mask.

KEITH: Yeah, yeah.

ROO: £150.

The pair of matching Tiffany-style lamps.

150.

You know when someone repeats something to you, and you just think, it's kind of a no brainer?

I think we should go with these.

Thanks, Mo.

That's brilliant.

Thank you very much.

VO: Big spenders, those two, with 150 left for their last shop.

Forgotten anything?

Now, whither Esme and Charles?

Watching out for pedestrians.

ESME: Did we just pass them before?

CHARLES: We did.

ESME: Yeah.

Are we going round in circles?

I think we are.

VO: Well... (CHUCKLES) ..that would come in very useful because they're about to indulge in a couple of Esme's passions - dancing and live music.

CHARLES: What's been the most memorable bands or gigs... Oh, I've seen so many bands.

In the '60s, I can remember Fleetwood Mac.

ESME: Chris Farlowe... CHARLES: Oh, yeah.

ESME: The Animals.

Did I see the Rolling Stones?

I think I did.

Wow.

You know, in the '70s in London there were so many venues that you could go and see bands.

ESME: It was brilliant.

VO: Of course, modern-day Glasgow has quite a few live music spots, too, like this former parish church, which for almost 20 years has been the Oran Mor, that's Gaelic for "great melody of life."

And Esme's come to discover the meaning of another Gaelic word from Ian Johnson.

IAN: This is the Haud Yer Lugs Ceilidh Band.

These are some of our friends who've come to dance.

But first of all, let's go upstairs.

You can learn a wee bit more about ceilidh dancing.

So if you'd like to come this way.

CHARLES: Thank you!

VO: Ian is the chairman of the Royal Scottish Country Dance Association.

ESME: What does ceilidh mean?

Ceilidh in origin is a Gaelic word meaning visit.

IAN: Going to see people in their own homes, gathering together with friends, family, neighbors.

They would share together in singing, in storytelling.

It was a way of passing on their own cultural heritage, entertaining on cold, dark winter nights.

VO: Of course, like any folk tradition, social changes have had a huge impact, though, with first the Highland Clearances and then industrialization, helping to transform the ceilidh into what it is today.

People came down to places like Glasgow, Edinburgh.

They were moving away from the Gaelic speaking culture.

There was already a culture of local dances and the two sort of came together.

So the name "ceilidh" came to apply to all of them.

The dances themselves, some of them might have originated in Europe.

Waltzes, minuets, polkas.

Some were country dances that you found in England, but they stuck a Scottish tune to them.

VO: But the great thing about the ceilidh is that you don't need to be particularly accomplished to take part, with everyone, even absolute beginners, encouraged to join in.

IAN: You don't need to be an expert to come along and do it.

IAN: Somebody will show you what to do.

And then as the music's playing, they will above it be saying, "Turn by the right hand, turn by the left hand."

VO: Amongst the dances you can expect at a good ceilidh are my favorite, The Dashing White Sergeant, as well as The Eightsome Reel, The Gay Gordons, and the good old Military Two-Step.

So take your partners.

Come on, guys and girls, get going.

VO: You tell them.

OK, now, Esme is going to give you the first couple of little moves in this dance.

BAND LEADER: Heel... ESME: Heel, toe, heel, toe...

BAND LEADER: Forward... VO: She'll soon get the hang of this.

BAND LEADER: Face your partner.

And then you jump and kick.

BAND LEADER: Jump and kick.

CHARLES: That way?

BAND LEADER: And then... ROO: Waltz?

BAND LEADER: Kind of waltzing... ESME: Matilda.

BAND LEADER: Yeah, that's brilliant.

Love it.

ESME: Waltzing Matilda!

BAND LEADER: Now that's a new way of doing it!

OK, Esme.

So, are you all ready?

Military Two-Step, they know what they're doing.

And that's all down to me, isn't it?

ESME: Now, if you do anything wrong, I will be furious.

VO: You've been warned.

(FIDDLER PLAYS) ESME: Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe... Heel, toe, heel, toe... VO: It's a unique calling style she has there.

(FIDDLER FINISHES TUNE) BAND LEADER: Yay!

Well done, dancers.

(DANCERS APPLAUD) VO: Now, where have the others got to?

Ah, there's Keith taking a moment in their busy shopping schedule.

Oh, hello.

Blimey.

From one Scots lassie to an honorary Scot.

KEITH: OK. VO: Hey.

Snacks, eh?

Just what's required.

KEITH: Oh, wow!

VO: A deep-fried Mars bar.

ROO: Oh, wow.

Mm, you can come again.

That's really good.

ROO: But look at that bubble of batter.

I mean, it looks so wrong, but it tastes really right.

Oh, there's one perfect Scottish word that's gonna describe these.

KEITH: Yeah?

ROO: Braw.

KEITH: Braw?

ROO: Braw.

KEITH: OK. ROO: Means excellent.

Braw!

VO: While they now enjoy a well-known fizzy pop chaser, we'll follow the fortunes of our dancing duo.

I think you've done a good job.

Well, that's a relief.

There's chemistry.

You reckon?

CHARLES: Yeah, I do.

Don't you think so?

Yeah, I do.

I can't say no.

Oh, thank you.

Change the subject.

ESME: What's left?

We've got 30 quid.

CHARLES: Yeah.

ESME: What I'd really like is another necklace.

It has to be whopper.

CHARLES: Has to be...?

ESME: Whopper.

Oh, absolutely right.

ESME: If a memory could be made now, it's ideally spending the entirety of £30.

ROO: Yeah.

VO: Humongous necklace or not, their final shop is to be found further downriver at Clydebank, once famous for its mighty shipyards.

ESME: Stop!

CHARLES: Sorry!

VO: Although this antique shop seems to be maintaining the metal traditions.

CHARLES: Here we go.

VO: Plenty of stuff of an industrial nature in here.

That's a car we should be in.

CHARLES: Read my mind.

There's a number on this enamel sign.

It's out of 10.

How good has our two days been?

My mind... Read my mind.

ESME: Eight.

It's a seven.

ESME: I've really enjoyed going on this road trip, and seeing all these different things.

Oh, look.

It's a vintage whisky.

But I know nothing about antiques.

All I know is what takes my eye.

CHARLES: Here's something, look.

Look at this.

I like that.

It's called... ..the Aladdin Pink Premier Paraffin.

ESME: I'm not quite sure why I like it.

VO: No, me neither.

Must be, I would have thought, what, 1960s?

ESME: Oh, I guess so, yes.

CHARLES: Could be '70s.

Well, you could turn it into a handbag.

Do you know, look at that.

VO: Ticket price, £35.

They're a fiver short.

What would you use it for, actually?

CHARLES: Well, I think... ESME: Watering can?

CHARLES: Exactly.

That could be a really cool watering can.

Yeah.

Well, pink Cadillacs.

Weren't they '50s?

CHARLES: That's right.

They were.

So it could even go back to the '50s.

ESME: We've got... What's this little... CHARLES: Oh, it's a genie coming out of the lamp.

ESME: Yes.

CHARLES: Now hold on.

ESME: (LAUGHS) He'll come out.

You know, the genie.

ESME: Oh, yes!

CHARLES: I think it's fun.

The more I look at it, the more the genie is saying "Look at me and buy me."

VO: Yeah, they do seem rather taken with that old thing.

While back in Glasgow, Keith and Roo are also approaching a final shopping opportunity.

ROO: Oh, my goodness.

You do know where the brakes are, don't you?

KEITH: I hope so.

VO: It's because he's battered chocolate bar-powered.

He also has a bit more cash to spend.

£150, at Glasgow City Antiques.

Always good to check.

John will be the man to do business with here.

And speaking of checks... KEITH: Hey, Roo.

ROO: Uh-huh?

I'm your biggest fan.

I think you're my only fan, actually.

ROO: What about this?

I'm thinking of updating my wardrobe.

KEITH: Oh, yes.

ROO: Color?

It's your tartan.

Roo's been fantastic.

It's been a great couple of days.

I've learnt so much, and it's just been fascinating.

I feel I'm just getting into my stride now, so I think we might actually make quite a bit of margin.

VO: He sounds chipper enough.

Any news from Clydebank, where Team Esme has a pink paraffin can on the shortlist?

But before consulting dealer Gordon, there's something else.

ESME: Charles?

CHARLES: What?

ESME: I really like this.

I have no idea what it is.

But this looks like a nose, these look like eyes, and this looks like eyebrows.

What do you think?

It's like a weird face.

What would you use it for?

VO: Good question, Charles.

Ticket price, £40.

CHARLES: Where are you going?

ESME: I'm just... CHARLES: Look, we're talking about this!

I'm getting away, and I'm looking at it.

At your lost masterpiece?

ESME: (LAUGHS) Yes.

There's something about it that I really like.

We don't really know what it is.

CHARLES: I suppose you could put some dye in there.

ESME: Slightly... CHARLES: What could you do with it, though?

CHARLES: Straw, cocktail, drink in there.

CHARLES: (SLURPS) Yeah, but what's been in it?

VO: Yeah, do be careful.

So if I said to you, Esme, it's either this interesting sort of twin test tube... Perhaps find out what it's used for.

Or is it the handbag-cum-paraffin?

Very difficult decision.

CHARLES: It is.

I think I'll let you decide.

Well, I won't let you decide.

Why not?

Because it's all about me!

(LAUGHS) VO: Well said.

Here we go.

ESME: Hello, Gordon.

GORDON: Hello.

CHARLES: Hi, Gordon.

GORDON: Hi.

We've seen one thing we like.

ESME: That chemistry thing.

GORDON: Oh, yeah.

Gordon, we've got a question.

We're both not quite sure, what would you have used it for originally?

It's a scientific lab experiment.

It's priced at £40... Mm-hm.

..but, hand on heart, we've only got in the bank, left over... count the money.

That's all we've got.

GORDON: We could do £30.

Thank you so much.

GORDON: You're very welcome.

CHARLES: Thank you.

ESME: Thank you.

VO: Every last penny spent.

VO: So, with whatever it is onboard, it's goodbye to Clydebank... ESME: Oh!

(LAUGHS) CHARLES: Sorry!

CHARLES: That's reverse!

VO: ..eventually.

And we'll head back to the city, with our potter needing to make a purchase.

ROO: Oh, I like that.

Yeah, I know, I like it, too.

I think it was obviously used for the pharmacy window.

They're interior decorators' pieces.

Yeah.

And you could fill it with stained water.

What's the price on it?

95.

VO: 150 left, remember.

ROO: Take the stopper out... KEITH: Yeah.

ROO: ..and see if there's any damage around the base of it.

KEITH: No.

Which is unusual, cuz they usually get chipped, don't they?

They do.

ROO: And people at auction, they love miniatures, and they love oversized things.

Right, OK. ROO: I think it would need to be closer to 50.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

ROO: That's true.

VO: Yeah.

He's getting the hang of it.

ROO: Ah, John, there's a few things we've seen, but there's one that we really love - the decanter.

ROO: Now, you've got £95 on it.

KEITH: Yeah.

ROO: So what's the absolute best you could do on that?

£70.

Right, big man, what are you thinking?

KEITH: Yeah, I think we should go for it.

ROO: Yeah?

Done deal?

KEITH: Yeah.

VO: Yeah, at a canter.

Thanks very much, John.

Cheers.

VO: With £80 left over.

So, with their glassware safely stowed... ROO: Right, driver, lead on.

KEITH: (BEEPS HORN) VO: ..they're off.

And with just one very big event still to look forward to.

ROO: That's us, we're done.

KEITH: I know.

KEITH: It's the auction next.

So, come on, what would you like as a wee treat?

A nice whisky.

From out of a quaich?

We'll drink a wee dram from a quaich, and then sleep well, ready for the auction.

VO: Is that what they call a quaich remedy?

Shuteye time, I think.

VO: Auction viewing day has dawned, but the mood amongst our celebrity craftspeople seems distinctly chilled.

As a kind of combatant in this whole affair, I haven't really thought of it as a competition.

Well, neither have I.

(LAUGHS) It's just been rather nice in the car with you, really.

Exactly!

KEITH: Let's hope that our stuff does fairly well.

There is one thing that I have this little fantasy about.

Right.

Right?

It's the ink pot thing.

Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which I could see it in a film, on the desk, with the Duke of blah-blah.

Wow!

You really did have a fantasy.

Oh, I did, yes!

It's got a whole backstory.

ESME: Yes, exactly!

VO: After making all their buys in the environs of Glasgow, they've now traveled almost 500 miles to see them sold in Rochester, Kent, at the Grade I-listed Restoration Manor, so called because it was once visited by the soon-to be Charles II, where a different Charles, and the one and only Roo, await.

No doubt experiencing a trifle more agitation.

Here they come, looking as dapper as ever!

CHARLES: Hello.

Hello!

ESME: Hello.

How are you?

KEITH: We're good.

ESME: Oh, fine.

KEITH: Yeah, good.

Excited.

ROO: You two are style personified!

Well, I see you haven't dressed up for the occasion.

No, I was feeling lazy today.

VO: Meanwhile, their lots have been dispatched towards Bourne End, in Bucks, where, at Bourne End auctions, they'll be selling in the room, on the net, and on the phone.

Auctioneer Hugo Lemmon is the man with the hammer.

All done at 140.

Last chance at 140.

VO: Keith parted with £320 for his five auction lots.

The Tiffany-style lamps, it's good that they're a pair, good-size pieces, good colors.

So we're hoping that someone will take them home, and spend a lot of money today.

VO: Quite.

Esme's splashed out all of her £400 on her five lots.

The carved opium table, lovely color on it.

Really well engraved and pierced ornament on there, and being Chinese as well, so good, strong market for it.

VO: Well, he sounds enthusiastic.

Let's press on.

Good luck, team, make a memory.

VO: Using tech, of course.

Starting with the tiara that Esme wore as a necklace.

So the first item up, we found a really lovely wedding tiara.

It was our marriage, wasn't it, made in heaven?

The question is, partner, will it blossom and grow?

£30 for it.

30?

£30, straight in there.

ESME: Excellent!

CHARLES: Good.

Keep going!

HUGO: 32 now.

32.

CHARLES: Small steps.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) HUGO: At 32, I have.

CHARLES: Go on!

HUGO 35.

At 35, then.

CHARLES: Oh, come on!

HUGO: 35.

37, and 40.

ROO: Oh, fabulous.

KEITH: It's crawling, it's crawling.

HUGO: 40 I'm bid.

42?

CHARLES: We're break... Go on... At £40 I'm bid.

And two, 42, thank you.

Yes, profit!

CHARLES: Profit!

45, 47, I'll take £2, then.

Fantastic!

At £45, are you sure?

Last chance, then, at £45.

I'm selling.

A fiver, well done.

VO: Not much of a wedding gift, but better than a loss.

Don't make jokes about a fiver profit until we've got five profit.

KEITH: No, oh, really?

VO: Sage advice.

Keith's oversized glass is next.

What do you use it for?

Purely just in a shop window, or... Yeah.

Well, you could put colored water in it, you know, as a decorative object.

Or you could fill it with your favorite, you know, refreshment and actually use it!

KEITH: Yeah, you could.

You'd have to have a really long straw.

CHARLES: (LAUGHS) 80, then, to start.

80 I'm bid, thank you!

Yes, you've done it!

Yay!

I'm quite surprised.

So am I. HUGO: And five, and 90.

CHARLES: Oh, it's moving, I told you.

ROO: Fabulous!

ESME: Oh, yeah.

£85 I'm bid, And 90.

90 I'm bid.

thank you, and five?

It'll make £100, you watch.

People have seen the size.

CHARLES: It'll make a oner.

HUGO: Five I'll take.

At £90... CHARLES: Go on!

HUGO: At 90, are we all done, then, at 90?

ROO: Come on, one more!

HUGO: Last chance, them, at 90.

All done, then, at 90.

Come on, someone, don't let it... CHARLES: Team, well done, we salute you.

ESME: Yeah.

ROO: Well done.

VO: Both of our celebrities have made a solid start.

As long as they're all profits, we're heading in the right direction.

VO: The one that no one saw coming, Esme's sewing machine.

ESME: Quite nice decoration.

CHARLES: Absolutely right.

KEITH: I know, they are, they're kind of almost a design classic in themselves.

ROO: Yes.

ESME: I know, they are.

KEITH: I know, really iconic.

ESME: Definitely.

Start me at £30 for it?

ESME: Oh!

HUGO: 20 then to start?

No!

Come on!

£20, anyone?

20, anyone?

ESME: Oh!

HUGO: £20 I'm bid, thank you.

Who bought this?

HUGO: At £20 I'm bid.

22 now, I have.

ROO: Fabulous.

CHARLES: Small steps.

HUGO: 25.

27.

At £25 I'm bid.

27 I'll take.

At £25, then, at £25.

Just thread it, man.

HUGO: At 25, then, last chance at 25.

ESME: Oh!

All done at 25.

No!

Oh!

VO: Well, it wasn't for want of trying from the auctioneer.

ROO: It should've... KEITH: (LAUGHS) Partner, we'll talk to you later.

Now they said they weren't competitive, but I think it's coming out now.

You should have bought it.

CHARLES: We have no regrets.

Yeah, if I bought it, it would've made loads of money.

ROO: (LAUGHS) ESME: It would.

Yes.

VO: Careful, Keith, your little piece of silver and mother-of-pearl are next.

A cow horn ring holder.

Now, who doesn't want one of those?

Commission bids on there, so we're starting at £20.

HUGO: 20 I'm bid.

CHARLES: Well done, team.

25, 27, and 30.

CHARLES: Slow down.

HUGO: 30 I'm bid.

32, 35... ROO: Fabulous, good.

ESME: Wow!

HUGO: 37, and 40.

42, 45.

Oh, you're flying!

ROO: You want it to do well.

And 50.

50 I'm bid.

CHARLES: Amazing!

ROO: Wow!

You've doubled your money!

HUGO: £50 I have, and five.

All the commission bids are out now.

HUGO: At £50 I'm bid, and five I'll take.

HUGO: At £50, then, at 50. selling at 50.

ROO: Go on, give us one more.

CHARLES: Keith, well done.

We salute you.

I will sell at £50, if you're all done.

Those buyers saw a red rag, and they bid for it.

VO: Turns out cow horn ring holders really are popular.

ROO: I'm happy with that.

KEITH: OK, yeah, good.

ROO: Are you happy with that?

KEITH: Yeah, no, I am, yeah.

KEITH: Well done.

CHARLES: No, team, well done.

ROO: Try and contain your excitement.

ESME: Very well done.

VO: Esme's biggest buy.

She wasn't at all keen at first, though.

And then as we were walking round, I had this fantasy, being in a... KEITH: Steady, now.

Steady.

ROO: (LAUGHS) No, she did.

It was me.

That's the Charles effect.

£100 for it?

CHARLES: Oh!

HUGO: £100 to start?

Why are there no bids?

80, then, to get away?

I love you, I love you.

I love you, keep going.

90, and five.

HUGO: 100, 110.

KEITH: Oh, hang on, yeah.

HUGO: 110... CHARLES: 120.

HUGO: 120... CHARLES: 30, keep talking to me.

HUGO: 130... CHARLES: 140, keep going.

HUGO: 140.

I think it'll get towards 200.

KEITH: He's controlling him.

HUGO: 150.

ROO: He is!

CHARLES: 160.

I love you!

HUGO: At £140... CHARLES: Come on!

There's a long piece of string connecting Charles... CHARLES: Oh, no!

HUGO: At £140 I'm bid.

150 I'll take.

At £140 all out online, on our website, at 140, and I'll sell at 140.

I absolutely loved it.

VO: Well, it could have been much worse.

I think you should have no regrets.

ESME: It is what it is.

CHARLES: We have no regrets.

ESME: No, exactly.

CHARLES: We have no regrets.

VO: More Keith.

This time, his Arabic card case.

It's such a simple object, but the attention to detail... ROO: Yes.

..in the actual making, and the creation of the thing itself was just wonderful.

£80 I'm bid, thank you.

ROO: Woo!

Straight in there!

ESME: (LAUGHS) ROO: Aah!

KEITH: Who knew, eh?

CHARLES: What do I know?

Are you all done, then, at 80?

Five, anywhere?

Are you sure?

HUGO: 85, thank you.

90.

Five.

CHARLES: Look at his face.

KEITH: Wow, brilliant.

CHARLES: Look at his face!

ROO: Happy with that.

KEITH: Yes!

ROO: Really happy.

KEITH: Well done.

ROO: Really happy with that.

KEITH: (LAUGHS) CHARLES: It's still going!

ROO: Are we still going?

HUGO: 110.

CHARLES: He's got 100!

ROO: Oh, yeah!

ESME: (LAUGHS) HUGO: 110.

120?

HUGO: At £110, then.

KEITH: Wow.

ROO: Nice.

CHARLES: That's amazing!

ROO: Nice.

Brilliant!

HUGO: At £110, are you all done this time?

I will sell, then, at 110.

All done?

CHARLES: Well done.

KEITH: Fantastic!

Honestly, what a result.

KEITH: Who knew?

ROO: Who knew?

KEITH: Well, you did.

ROO: We knew.

We knew.

VO: Well, it's been the P word all the way, this one his biggest by far.

In awe.

Amazing result.

Oh, it's not over yet, it's not over yet.

KEITH: Yeah, that's good.

Well, nearly.

VO: Now, what can only be described as Esme's experimental laboratory-type thing.

I would have bought this just as an object.

It looks amazing!

It's wonderful!

Well, don't you think it looks a bit like a face?

Yes, it does, yeah, yeah.

ROO: Oh, it does, yes!

KEITH: Yeah.

£30?

ESME: (SNORTS) HUGO: £20, then, to start?

ESME: (LAUGHS) HUGO: 20 I'm bid, thank you.

KEITH: It's like tumbleweed.

25, 25, 27.

At £25 I'm bid.

27.

Oh, come on!

Go on, man!

At £25, then.

At 27, are you all done?

27... CHARLES: It was so worth buying!

KEITH: I'm even rooting for it.

HUGO: At £27.

CHARLES: Go on, break even.

At 27, are you all done at 27?

CHARLES: One more for my friend.

HUGO: Last chance at 27.

CHARLES: Ah!

ROO: It was worth more!

It was worth more than that.

VO: Well, whoever bought it must be very, very happy.

I would have given you 35.

VO: Says the man with the nearly as niche scroll holder.

I love this, this might even be one of my favorite items.

£80 for it?

CHARLES: No!

Hello?

50, then, to start?

Come on, someone!

HUGO: 40 to get away?

ROO: Ee!

HUGO: 49 I'm bid, thank you.

ROO: Phew!

Broken even.

Two I'll take.

At £40 I'm bid.

42, 42, 45.

45, 45, 47.

And 50.

50 and five.

HUGO: At £50 I'm bid.

And five I'll take.

HUGO: At £50 I'm bid... ROO: Take five, someone.

HUGO: Five, anywhere?

At £50, then, are you all done?

At £50, then, last chance.

I will sell, then, at 50.

Are you all done, then, at 50?

Give us a last bid.

Oh, playing a good game.

VO: Everything they've bought has turned, if not to gold, then silver at least.

The fact that we made a little bit of money on it... ROO: Yeah.

KEITH: ..that's good going.

VO: Esme's last lot, and her biggest spend.

The auctioneer likes it.

The curves on it are beautiful.

There was gorgeous prints, blossom, and the carving.

ESME: Yeah, amazing.

CHARLES: But the color was so lovely.

This could take off, couldn't it?

CHARLES: Come on.

ESME: Yes, it will.

CHARLES: Yes, thank you.

This could take off...

It's going to go to five grand.

KEITH: I mean, you bought it for... Start me off at, what, £100 for it?

100 I'm bid, thank you, 110 I'll take.

If he gets... 100 I'm bid.

110, 110, 120, 130.

ROO: It's running!

HUGO: 140, 150... CHARLES: I love you!

HUGO: 160, 170... CHARLES: I love you!

HUGO: 180, 190... ROO: It's gonna... Wow!

CHARLES: Ching, ching!

HUGO: 200... CHARLES: Come on, baby!

ROO: Oh, wow!

HUGO: 260... CHARLES: Come on!

ROO: Getting competitive now.

HUGO: 280.

CHARLES: Look at me!

HUGO: 300.

CHARLES: Ha-ha-ha!

Don't be drawn in.

300 I'm bid, thank you.

ROO: (GASPS) CHARLES: Keep going.

340.

360, I love you.

HUGO: 340.

CHARLES: Hello, China.

Even you're surprised!

350 I'm bid.

350, 360.

ROO: Oh!

That's brilliant, that's amazing.

That is phenomenal!

£360, then, online at £360, are you all done?

It is deserving of that.

At £360, then, are you all done at 360?

I will sell at 360.

Last chance at 360.

KEITH: Fantastic, wow!

ROO: Very nice.

CHARLES: Thanks, partner.

ROO: Well done.

CHARLES: Thank you, guys.

ESME: I put it down to you.

VO: The tables are turned.

Ha-ha!

With Esme now out in front.

ROO: How are you feeling?

I'm lost for words.

No, I'm pleased for them.

I absolutely don't believe you're lost for words.

VO: (LAUGHS) And finally, Keith's Tiffany-style lamps.

It's game on!

Is it your kind of aesthetic, anyway?

Well, I do quite like it, yeah.

Oh, OK, OK. You're more of a sort of laboratory pressure kind of woman.

ESME: I like a bit of pressure.

CHARLES: The pressure's on guys.

100 I'm bid, thank you.

110 I'll take.

ROO: Come on!

HUGO: £100 I'm bid.

110.

120.

130.

140, 150.

ROO: Anything less than 200.

CHARLES: Well done!

HUGO: 170, 180.

190.

CHARLES: Well done.

ESME: Oh, wow!

200.

At £200 I'm bid.

Needs to go more.

HUGO: At 200, 220 I'll take.

At £200 I'm bid.

220, anywhere?

At 200.

At 200... ROO: That's still a good buy.

CHARLES: Go on!

Thank you.

240.

240 on commission.

Wow!

240, 260.

At £240, then, at 240, are you all done?

At £240, then, I will sell at 240.

All done at 240.

CHARLES: Wow!

ROO: Well done, well done!

KEITH: Well done, missus.

VO: Props to Roo, too.

It looks like those lamps have made all the difference.

There wasn't much in between us at all.

KEITH: No.

But, with a slither, you took it.

Well, I mean, you know, you lucked out on that one item that really pushed the whole pressure cooker to its limit, really.

ROO: (LAUGHS) VO: Very exciting!

Esme began with £400, and after auction costs made a very nice profit, so she now has £489.54.

While Keith, who also started out with 400, made, also after costs, an even bigger profit.

So he wins with £522.80.

Well done.

All profits go to Children in Need.

KEITH: Well, that was exciting.

ESME: Oh, what fun we had!

KEITH: I know.

Where to next, madam?

ESME: Can we go to Glasgow?

Yes.

Might take us a while.

ESME: We can stop on the way.

VO: Pick up a few knick-knacks.

Ha-ha!

Cheerio.

(HORN BEEPS) subtitling@stv.tv