♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ (BIRDS CHIRPING) SAL: What?

What?

Tash.

Tash.

Where are you?

Well, what's happened?

Have you been towed away?

What?

What?

Lay out the custard creams, Rosie, don't eat 'em all.

It's not me that eats them, Eileen, it's Margaret.

Oh, Susie, John wants me to tell you he's got wood.

Pardon?

I had a conversation with Pauline, very delicate, but she's perfectly fine about the fact that we have actually found an alternative speaker.

Couldn't be happier, I should imagine.

Who is it that's coming again, Eileen?

Oh, you know who, Rosie.

-Mr. Charles Dance.

-Is it?

Is it really him?

-Yes, it is.

-(GASPS) I'm gonna faint.

No, you'll be fine, darling.

We'll all be fine.

What will he think?

What do you mean?

Well, will he expect more than this?

I haven't eaten that many.

No, no, not the biscuits, Rosie, and he's not coming today.

This is just the first of the planning extraordinary.

Now, Eileen, John reminded me that his cousin, um, Venetia Martin, actually knows Charles Dance rather well, because she did a charity cookbook thing, and he did a cheese thing, I think, so I must remember to remind him.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, where's he gonna stay?

Now then, I must remember to put that on my list of things to ask Jock to tell Charles.

Don't worry about that, Eileen.

He's gonna stay with me.

-What?

-Yeah, I asked Jock to ask him.

He said it would be fine.

-EILEEN: No, what with you?

-Yeah.

No, that won't do.

Oh, Ricky's away, I've got plenty of room.

-No.

-Don't be silly, Eileen.

He's not gonna stay in my bed with me.

He's gonna stay in the kiddies' room next door.

No, no.

Caroline, can I prevail with you?

Uh, I can't, really.

I've got the fumigators in.

-Oh, dear, problem?

-Carpet munchers.

Oh, well... (SIGHS) It's a simple home, Charles, but comfortable.

No, I don't mind sleeping downstairs in Daddy's old bed.

Yes, it is a lovely garden.

I don't really watch the television.

I say a picture window and a busy bird table is all the entertainment I need.

I made a shepherd's pie, if you like.

Do you?

Well, you're welcome here anytime you need a respite from the hurly-burly.

(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) (JOCK GRUNTING) Ah!

Cor, I'm bloody knackered.

Come on, Spike, you take over some.

Not my sport, mate.

JOCK: What is your sport?

Um, wall game, fives, real tennis.

-Eton boy, eh?

-Oh, yes.

Mum.

SAL: Hey.

What's all this?

-Jock says we can put the van here.

-Really?

You need to clear it away from the house so you can get by better or something?

How?

Alright with you, Mother?

SAL: Yeah, but is it alright?

My field, why not?

How long?

As I say, my field.

Well, time to get on.

Come on, Spikey, I need a hand.

SPIKE: Hmm.

Mum?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Ladies, can I have your attention, please?

Please?

No more questions.

Now, let's just get down to the nitty-gritty, numbers.

Now, according to the number of guests on the lists you have given me-- Oh, on my list, can you take off Ricky's mother, please?

Alright, Rosie.

Not that she wouldn't want to come.

-Is she busy?

-No, she's dead.

I forgot.

Oh, ladies, please concentrate.

You can add ten to my list, actually.

Oh, good heavens.

Now, listen, anyone who has guests, and they will have to be paying guests, come and see me now, thank you.

Good God!

What?

He moved the van?

Yeah, he's moved it into his field.

He's clearing the way.

What do you mean?

He's moving them outta the way.

Come on, Mrs. Magoo, it's obvious.

-It's so exciting.

-Oh, stop it.

Come on, you like him, and he stopped talking to me about you.

Sure sign.

There's only room for two in this relationship.

He knows I can't be trusted.

-(CHUCKLES) -Have you kissed yet?

-No.

-Held hands?

-No.

-Oh, he's so your type.

And the man has hands, you know what I mean?

Stop it, it feels really weird.

No, it's great.

I can have an affair vicariously, through you, an armchair affair.

Just tell me one thing.

Where will you eventually live when La Dance moves into the barn?

Where will Jock go, will he move away?

Will you follow?

I need to know all these details so that my midlife fantasy dalliance will be complete.

More and more, young lady.

Let us get on with the important purpose of the meeting.

We're planning catering, decor.

Now, can I assume that we will be adopting lavender as the main theme of the meeting?

-Yes.

-Lavender?

Yes, because Charles Dance actually was one of the Ladies in Lavender, wasn't he, Eileen?

-Yeah.

-Which one was he?

Oh, what's she called?

Judi Drench, is it?

Is it?

Is it?

(LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) Meditation complete.

Let the abundance hunting begin.

Go, woman.

Ow.

Mother Nature's source of fruitful abundance, free food.

The bounty of the fields, or Mum's fridge as it's generally known.

Yeah, well, there is no fruitful abundance around here, because the fields have been sprayed.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

She's not here, she's at a Guild thing.

Well, I-I just thought I'd tell her to pop over and see us anytime she doesn't wanna be on her own, but, um... Yeah, well, you know, we are still close, and Jock's around most evenings.

Oh...

Yes.

And they get on really well.

Yes.

They get on really well.

Yes.

So, do you think I should tell her, brother of mine, that we like, officially... approve?

I think it would make her totally happy.

And then you would be able to stop worrying about everybody.

Do you think Dad would like him?

No.

(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, ladies, we are overwhelmed with numbers.

It's not just guests, it's people wanting to join our ranks because we have a celebrity speaker.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Ohh.

Hole will be spitting when they find out about our swollen members.

Um, how are we going to fit them all in, these swelling members?

SUSIE: This room won't be big enough, and there's no room to spread.

KATE: No health and safety.

Can we use the hall downstairs?

Oh, actually, no, not on that date.

I think it's Pocket Opera.

Oh, good grief.

Well, there's nothing for it.

It'll have to be the church.

-Vicar's away.

-He won't mind.

No, sorry, no, no.

I'm-I'm house-sitting for Hillary, and I said... What?

Don't threaten me.

Look, I promised Hillary, you can't use the church.

Katie, we have to have a word, woman to woman.

We cannot hide behind our badges.

What is going on with you and the vicar?

Nothing's going on.

(SIGHS) I love him.

It's lovely, we-we're in love.

(GIGGLES) Oh.

Fair do's.

Can't fight love.

No, and we have incredible sex.

That's quite enough, Katie.

(EILEEN CLEARS THROAT) Where have you gone now in your besottedness?

Fill me in?

Okay, how, how can he do that?

How can Jock let them stay in that field as long as they like?

-Did he say it was his field?

-Yeah.

Well, that's alright, then.

But it isn't, is it?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) WOMAN: I know, I know!

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, I suddenly feel very sick.

Yes, it should be Charles bloody Dance's field, shouldn't it?

Sharp crash back to reality.

Oh, pray that what I'm thinking is not about to happen.

God, my heart's beating through my chest.

I'm gonna have to go.

Oh, no, don't leave me, don't leave me.

Order please, ladies.

You have to tell them.

Tell who, what?

You said that was your field.

It is.

Not Charles bloody Dance's field.

-Ah.

-SAL: Yes, ah.

Is Charles Dance going to live in that barn?

Did you say that Charles Dance was going to live in that barn to get everybody off your back?

Hmm... Oh, for God's sake.

I'm sorry, I never actually said Charles Dance.

Someone assumed that.

I don't care.

I don't care, because you are going to have to go down and tell the Guild.

I mean, it's got out of control.

It's absolutely huge.

They think he is coming.

Oh.

How could you do that?

Why did you say you could get him?

To get them off my back.

Oh, bloody hell.

Okay, I'll tell them he can't come.

He's busy, he's got a job, he's ill.

He's doing Midsomer Murders.

If you are in any way finding this funny, you will not live to regret it.

Why?

Really?

What can a load of ladies do?

You'd better lose that attitude fast.

You saw what they did to Tony Blair.

You will be slow hand-clapped to death.

EILEEN: I'm just saying, we could open it up to other federations.

We should.

If we could use the church.

Oh.

Or some other such place.

-Are we dressing up?

-No.

But surely, we should all be in lavender.

-Oh, please.

-Yes.

That's a very good idea.

That would be lovely, wouldn't it?

No, absolutely not, no.

Jock, Jock, Jock's here!

(EXCITED CHATTER) -Hi, Jock.

-Hello.

Jock, as you can see, we're all aquiver.

-We can't believe it!

-No, we can't.

ROSIE: This is the best thing that's ever, ever happened to our Guild, ever.

Steady on, Rosie.

Well, I must say, I have to agree.

So, what can we do to help?

All is well, I hope.

Yeah, carry on.

(WOMEN SIGH) What a blessing that man has been to us.

-WOMAN: Yeah.

-KATE: Truly lovely.

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING) His bag's gone, his Land Rover's gone.

Bloody hell.

All he had to do was tell them.

Bloody hell.

I know.

(SAL SIGHS) And he doesn't know Charles Dance, does he?

Not even the remotest possibility.

I don't think he even knew who Charles Dance was.

Oh, idiot, bloody idiot.

It's just a joke to him.

Oh, God, I've gotta, I've gotta go and tell them.

Well, it's not your fault.

No, it isn't my fault.

I tried to get him run out of town weeks ago.

It's Eileen's fault.

Yeah, it's bloody Eileen's fault.

(SAL SIGHS) Now we have no Charles Dance.

And no Jock.

Hey, Mother?

(SAL YELPS) -What's this?

-An invitation.

What for?

We're having a van warming party for Raph, so that he feels like, you know, it's his home too.

Oh, Tash, that's lovely.

I know, I know, isn't it lovely?

Yeah, you are a good mum.

Yeah.

So... will you come?

Of course I will.

Mum, James and I think Jock is... is cool.

Well, let's hope you're right.

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC) We got a marquee.

Thanks.

Not answering.

Day two, and still no word.

Nope.

And he was to be the great savior.

The one to pull us back from the abyss.

Jock?

-No, I mean Charles Dance.

-Ah.

I'm thinking speakers and the, frankly, quite awful prospect of Pauline being recommissioned, so to speak.

I am sorry, on other levels.

I've been such an idiot.

Behaved like a school kid.

What a dolt, what a dud.

What a bloody donkey.

Listen, I was there with you all the way, cheering you along like... Madame Defarge through the keyhole.

I'm so sorry.

I liked him.

I know.

Oh, dear.

You'll miss him.

We're gonna have to tell Eileen.

Look, all she has to do is cancel her little meeting.

It's no big deal.

Except in her head.

(DOOR OPENS) Wonderful news, Sal.

Caroline has done a deal for a huge marquee.

All can be accommodated within.

We have an event, Sal.

Now then, would you please give this note with the timings and whatnot to Jock, for Mr. Dance?

I'll t...

I'll tell you what, Eileen, if I write down his mobile number, why don't you ring him?

Oh, alright, Sal.

And by the way, I won't be able to come, because Tash is having a little party for Raph.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, we know where your loyalties lie, don't we?

Tip, what about you?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, Eileen.

Well done.

What's the time?

Ooh, I've gotta get to the House of Mary's before it closes.

(DOOR SLAMS) Why are you going?

Because I'm Catholic, because I must be punished.

I don't know.

Oh, dear Lord, I just don't know.

(SAL CHUCKLES) I'll just give it another little try.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) EILEEN: Hello, ladies.

CAROLINE: What is she wearing?

It's a lavender fascinator from House of Mary's.

Well, it's just an old outfit I found hanging in the wardrobe.

It wasn't until I got out into the daylight I saw that it was, in fact, lavender.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) CAROLINE: Honestly.

Well, look what I've turned up in.

-Well, exactly.

-TIP: We were warned... No, Marilyn, not like that.

Let me show you.

So, how did you get the tent then?

Oh, it's the one that the Scouts have their annual gangbang in.

What?

What have I said now?

I think you mean Gang Show.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING) Is that too much?

EILEEN: There.

A chair over there, Susan.

Rosie, what have you got on?

What?

I expect it was something she just found hanging in her wardrobe, Eileen.

Is he here?

Is he?

Seen Jock?

Have you?

Where?

No, no, I mean, have you seen Jock?

He was supposed to be here.

No.

No, I haven't.

Hmm, weird.

SAL: Hmm.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God.

I feel sick.

I'm going to have to say something.

What?

It's too late.

Well, we can't just let it go on and on and on.

Oh, God, I feel sick.

Look, let's just say there's been an accident on the motorway.

He's dead.

Then we find him and kill him, it'll be fine.

For God's sake.

Oh, God, it's not even our fault.

No.

Let's get out of here.

It's alright, Pauline.

I shall take the...

I shall take the microphone... -(FEEDBACK WHINES) -...in my gavel hand, alright?

Hello, testing, testing.

Testing, am I on, can you hear me?

-ATTENDEE 1: Yes.

-ATTENDEE 2: Yes.

Ideal.

(WHISPERS) Susie.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies especially, welcome.

It seems that Mr. Charles Dance has been held up a little in his proceedings.

So, I would like to move that we carry on with business as usual until such time as.

So, I would like now to open the meeting, and welcome you all here, especially to welcome affiliate members from the... -You say something.

-No, I'm going to leave.

-Oh, no.

-Ow.

So now, I would like to call on our voice, Pauline, to give the minutes for the 2008 Federation Convocation.

Now, we will need a volunteer, please, to second this motion.

No, Susie, thank you, hands up.

Yvonne, thank you, dear.

So now, take it away, Pauline.

-Here you go, darling.

-PAULINE: Alright.

It's on, it's on.

It's on, Pauline, it's on.

(FEEDBACK WHINES) Oh, God, oh, God.

EILEEN: Sal, any idea where Jock is?

I've had trouble raising him on the mobile.

No, I-I haven't.

Sorry, Eileen.

I'm very concerned where Charles Dance is.

We've only got the minutes, and proposals for the next year, and then thanks from our sponsors, Yeoman's Cheese, and then, and then he's on.

We've only got... Hell's teeth, 45 minutes!

Oh!

We're padding here.

Eileen, he's actually not... Hello.

So sorry I'm late.

The traffic was appalling.

I'm looking for Eileen Pike.

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC) I am here.

I mean, he is her.

I am her.

Oh, Mr. Dance, thank you so much.

-CHARLES: How do you do?

-Welcome.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Not at all, it's my pleasure.

Yes.

(WHISPERS) Um, I'm afraid we're running a little bit late, CHARLES: Ah.

So maybe... you'd like to come in right away.

Yes, of course.

Speech.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (APPLAUSE) (FEEDBACK WHINES) Yes, ladies, yes.

(CLEARS THROAT) Now, the, uh, the Clatterford and St. Mary's Guild would like to welcome you all here, and introduce, yes, well, someone who needs no introduction at all.

ATTENDEE: Charles Dance... Mr. Charles Dance.

(APPLAUSE) CHARLES: Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

How lovely.

(CHARLES CLEARS THROAT) -Well... (LAUGHS) -ATTENDEE: Ohh!

While I was driving here, I thought, what could I possibly talk to such a prestigious organization as the Lady's Guild about?

Um, and then I thought to myself, well, the one thing I can talk about with any degree of expertise is myself.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) So, so, that's what I shall do.

(APPLAUSE) Where can I start?

Well, I was born in a place called... -(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) -(SAL SIGHS) You really had me going, you know?

Got myself going.

How did you manage it?

Flattery and money.

The man's only human.

(LAUGHS) And, um, then after, after training as an actor, I-I joined the Royal Shakespeare Company... ATTENDEE: Yes, yes, yes.

CHARLES: ...in the mid '70s, and, um, I appeared in many productions in Stratford and in London.

Um, and I was in Hamlet with-- Yeah, with Ben Kingsley.

That was before he was Sir Ben Kingsley, and, uh, and Henry IV, both parts.

Henry V, and the three parts of Henry VI.

Well, look at you.

(CHARLES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) I thought you'd done a runner.

Tip and I were bricking ourselves.

CHARLES: ...of course I have a particular fondness...

So what are you gonna do now, then?

-How do you mean?

-Well, you're actually going to have to find someone to buy the barn.

With you as a neighbor?

Fat chance.

Hey!

(CHUCKLES) So what are you gonna do?

As You Like It, Coriolanus.

I mean, there are lots of other performances that I've given that have given me just as much pleasure.

ATTENDEE: Yeah.

Who'd have thought he'd done so much theater?

I know, interminable amount.

And before that, I, uh, I played Badger in a production of Toad of Toad Hall.

(ATTENDEE WHOOPS) Yes, in, in Swindon.

Swindon.

CHARLES: Yes, and then of course there was The Jewel in the Crown.

So what are you gonna do?

CHARLES: ...doing The Jewel in the Crown, I mean, I have fond memories, very fond memories of it, but, uh, there are lots of other performances that I've given with just as much pleasure.

Uh, Maxim de Winter in Rebecca, and, um-- EILEEN: That was very good.

CHARLES: Yes, and Josh Erroll in White Mischief.

ATTENDEE: Yeah.

CHARLES: A little near the knuckle for some people, but anyway... And, uh, you know, the-the list is endless, and, uh, and quite a few that have slipped under the radar of the sort of sham that are awards ceremonies.

ATTENDEE: Yes.

CHARLES: And, um, another role that I played was, was Benedict in a film with Arnold Schwarzenegger called Last Action Hero.

Um, unfortunately, it was the only flop, I think, that Arnold Schwarzenegger's ever had.

Let's move on to Ladies in Lavender.

I'm not going to say anything after about John knowing him.

-No?

-He's just texted me and said it was Tim Pigott-Smith he was talking about.

The poor man's Charles Dance.

And then I met Robert Redford.

Now, this is quite a funny story really-- Taxi for Mr. Charles Dance!

-Stop her.

Someone stop her.

-Shh!

Uh, you know, I mean, beneath this debonair exterior, there's probably a cocaine-using, villainous mastermind of a criminal who wouldn't be outta place in The Bill, so I-- Thank you very much indeed.

Charles Dance, thank you.

Here you go.

-(APPLAUSE) -Where do you want-- Thank you, Charles Dance OBE.

Thank you so much.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -KATE: Cakey?

-Um, no, thank you.

-Charles, that was a wonderful speech.

-Yes?

-CAROLINE: Yes.

-CHARLES: You really think so?

-Well, thank you very much, yes.

-CAROLINE: Absolutely wonderful.

CHARLES: Went rather well, didn't it?

I might use it again, actually.

(WOMEN GIGGLING) ROSIE: You're very tall, ain't you?

'Cause I start off looking at your feet, and as I look up, and up like that, by the time I see your head, I feel quite faint sometimes.

Oh.

Car... Caroline Martin, we have people in common.

-Do we?

-Yes.

-SUSIE: You said you didn't.

-No, I do.

You are not at all who I thought you were going to be.

Really?

Who did you think I was going to be?

Passage to India.

We're so thrilled, Charles, that you're gonna be moving in amongst us.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

-Really?

-EILEEN: Yes.

ROSIE: Yes, and you will be left alone in the barn, unless you need something, Mr. Dance.

Follow me where?

In, in the barn, with the big gates.

No one shall enter you there, and no one shall seek you there, and no one shall find you there, and you will always be left alone.

Okay, Charles, your car's ready.

-Ohh.

-Oh, right, yes, ciao.

-Okay.

-Goodbye.

ALL: Bye.

-CHARLES: Bye, goodbye.

-Thank you so much.

-Not at all.

-ROSIE: That's it.

-Goodbye.

-ROSIE: Ciao.

-Bye.

-SAL: Oh.

-(GASPS) -WOMAN: Ooh!

-Just outside.

-I'm coming.

Jock, Jock, you come in now, he's gone.

No, he won't fit in.

Actually, I have to say that I think he'd fit in quite nicely.

Don't.

There's only one reason why the man with the Titian hair is here today, if you ask me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels ♪ ♪ The dizzy dancing way you feel ♪ ♪ As every fairy tale comes real ♪ ♪ I've looked at love that way ♪ ♪ I've looked at love from both sides now ♪ ♪ From give and take, and still somehow ♪ ♪ It's love's illusions I recall ♪ ♪ I really don't know love ♪ ♪ At all ♪ (SCATTING) (SCATTING CONTINUES)