♫She went... and... and...♫ (barking, growls) ♫When she ate some alphabet soup♫ ♫Then what happened was bizarre...♫ On the way to Martha's stomach, the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain and now... ♫She's got a lot to say♫ ♫Now she speaks...♫ How now, brown cow?

♫Martha speaks, yeah, she speaks and speaks♫ ♫And speaks and speaks and speaks...♫ What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♫Martha speaks...♫ Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♫She's not always right, but still that Martha speaks.♫ Hi, there!

♫She's got a voice, she's ready to shout♫ ♫Martha will tell you what it's all about♫ ♫Sometimes wrong but seldom in doubt♫ ♫Martha will tell you what it's all about♫ ♫That dog's unique...♫ Testing, one, two!

♫Hear her speak♫ ♫Martha speaks and speaks♫ ♫And speaks and speaks and...♫ ♫Communicates, enumerates♫ ♫Elucidates, exaggerates♫ ♫Indicates and explicates, bloviates and overtakes and...♫ (panting) ♫...hyperventilates!♫ ♫Martha, to reiterate...♫ Martha speaks!

♫Martha speaks.♫ MARTHA (grunts): Mine!

Mine!

(both grunting) Hi-yah!

(Mom clears throat) You know the rules-- no tug-of-war in the living room.

And no chewing on my stuff.

Ew!

If you two are going to misbehave and act like wild animals, maybe you both should just go outside.

(inquisitive bark) "Misbehaving" means doing something bad.

Say no more.

We'll go get some fresh air.

Hey, someone's giving a demonstration.

Maybe it's food!

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Coming through.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that dogs aren't perfect.

They don't pay attention; they bark and make messes.

Frankly, they're animals.

Observe.

Sir Lancelot, sit.

(barking) Fetch.

(groans) As you can see, dogs are not perfect.

They are imperfect.

Which means they are not good all the time.

Or are they?

Dr. Pablum, observe the same wild and naughty dog after just one day of training at the Perfect Pup Institute.

Sir Lancelot... sit.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Lie down.

(onlookers murmuring) Roll over.

Beg.

Hop on one paw.

WOMAN: Oh, that's wonderful!

You see?

Now he's perfect.

That's not perfect!

That's terrible!

Who said that?!

Otis, calm down.

I will not calm down!

I... er... (indistinct chatter, laughing) That's weird.

(nervous chuckle) I mean, how can I calm down when I'm so excited to train?

And by "train," I mean teach your imperfect dogs to be perfect.

What is he talking about?

Dogs are already perfect.

All right, who said that?!

Was it you?

I think it was the dog.

(panting) (mockingly): I think it was the dog.

I'm on to you, lady!

Gee, that guy is tense.

All right, step up.

Who wants their dog to be perfect?

(excited chatter) (purrs, meows softly) Skits, have you noticed anything strange about the dogs around here?

My Donald used to chase every squirrel that passed.

But since he went to Perfect Pup, just look at him!

See?

Now Donald's totally obedient.

Obedient dogs do exactly what you tell them to do.

(Skits barking) (panting) MARTHA: Okay.

Something's definitely wrong here.

What are those guys up to?

OTIS: Now, graduates, let's see how obedient you are.

Sit.

Beg.

Hop on one paw.

(people murmuring) Perfectly obedient.

And now for the final test of your training, a biscuit for each of you.

(panting) Wait.

Dogs not going for biscuits?

That's not perfect, that's scary.

(whines, barks) Skits?

(chomps) (all gasp) What have we here?

A biscuit stealer, eh?!

A textbook example of disobedient dog behavior.

And by disobedient, I mean does not obey!

Uh, Otis?

Huh?

Hm?

(nervous chuckle): I mean, go on home now.

(pleasantly): Go on, get out of here.

(clears throat) I don't like it.

There is something strange about those dogs.

(Skits barks) Okay, okay, I'm coming.

(gasps): A talking dog!

How is it possible?

OTIS: Pablum!

Get in here!

(barking) (sniffing) Disobedient?

Imperfect?

Wild?

This guy doesn't know the first thing about dogs.

Dogs are noble, they're... sophisticated, they're... Hey, garbage!

Ah, that's good garb... age.

Skits, it's the back door!

We have to find out what they're doing to those dogs!

(whining) Don't worry, Skits.

I have the perfect plan.

(clears throat) (seriously): Hello, I'm a reporter.

No, no.

(smoothly): Hi, I'm a reporter.

I'm here to do a story on your... (normal voice): Uh, hello, I'm a...

Wonderful!

Please, come in.

Come in.

Wow, I'm good.

(laughs) What luck.

(whines) We at Good Dogkeeping magazine have lots of questions.

Hey!

(grunts) Quit shoving!

Hey!

Let me out of here!

A talking dog, and you're mine, all mine.

Dognapper!

Let me out immediately!

Otis, come quickly!

MARTHA: I demand my one phone call!

(Skits whining) (barking) Once I find out the secret to how you speak, I'll be a world- famous scientist!

(barking) What is it, Pablum?

This better be good.

Oh, believe me, it's good!

Say something.

Come on, talk.

(barks) That's the same dog from this morning.

Did that woman put you up to this?

(barking) Lancelot is misbehaving.

Do something useful for once and fix him.

A talking dog... (Sir Lancelot barking) (grunting) (panting) I'll show that bully.

(whispers): Sir Lancelot, what's going on here?

(barks) Really?

Your name isn't Sir Lancelot?

It's Burt and you used to run with the big dogs, but now you're stuck here being a demo dog, no better than a robot?

Do you know how we can get out of these crates?

(barking) No?

Oh.

(whines) Collar time, Sir Lancelot.

(whimpering) (barking) (gasps) It's the collar!

You can speak!

Yes, that's right.

I just didn't want that other guy to hear 'cause he might steal the secret from you.

You're right.

Otis would only try to cheat me.

You're one clever dog.

Not as clever as you, Doctor.

I would love to know how you make a dog like Sir Lancelot act so perfectly.

Oh, it's a simple process.

Watch.

(barking) Our latest group of dogs-- noisy, disobedient, imperfect.

We just remove the collar, attach this tiny brain-blocker microchip.

The microchips turn off every part of the brain except the obedience lobe, the part that makes the dog do what you tell them.

Ah, I see.

(chuckles) Then we put the collar on.

(dogs barking) (collars beeping) (barking stops) And now they're perfect.

Wow.

And that works on any dog?

PABLUM: Oh, yes, any dog at all.

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

Just give me your collar.

OTIS: Pablum, hurry up and get out here with those dogs!

PABLUM: I'll be back.

(Skits barking) Skits!

(barking) (thud) Are you all right?

(howls) Okay, we better hurry.

Good work.

Let's go.

Dang.

Doorknob.

What's this?

You again?

You're not paying customers!

No pay, no stay!

Get!

(barking) Skits, what about those other dogs?

What about Little Burt?

We can't just leave them with those bad guys, can we?

(barking) Skits, do you really want them to spend their lives being perfect?

(whines) (Pablum gasping) Where is my talking dog?!

My meal ticket, my chance at fame and fortune!

MARTHA: You called?

You're back.

Yep, and I've got a deal.

I'll tell the secret of how I can speak if you do one teensy little thing for me.

And now for a demonstration.

I'll show you how I've trained your wild and imperfect dogs and made them into tame, perfect pups.

Wait!

Your collar's a little crooked.

(beeps) There.

Now you're perfect.

Ah, whatever!

(clears throat) And now for the demonstration.

Sit!

ALL: Ooh!

Lie down.

Roll over.

Beg.

Hop on one paw or foot.

Now just you, Otis Weaselgraft... tell the truth about the Perfect Pup Program.

Speak!

We're not really dog trainers.

(all gasp) We put a microchip in your dogs' collars... turns dogs into furry robots... lasts just long enough for us to take your money and run.

It's not your dogs that are misbehaving.

It's these two.

(all gasp) (barking) PABLUM: Wait!

You said if I helped you, you'd give me the secret to how you talk!

Alphabet soup.

Alphabet soup?

I don't understand.

I'm telling you the truth.

Dogs may act wild sometimes, but we don't lie.

(siren approaching) (gasps) Soup is the secret?

What does this mean?

(siren wailing) (dogs barking) (sighs) Everything's back to normal.

Isn't it great, Skits?

Look.

(all barking) Well, Skits, congratulations to us on a job well done.

(man laughs) Donald, no!

Perfectly done, in fact.

(barking) access.wgbh.org