♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ -Off to school?

-Raph: Yeah, bye.

-Get yourself a Frube.

-Raph: Okay.

What's your mum doing?

Getting food.

SAL: (SCOFFS) Oh, God.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTTLES CLINK) -Bag for life?

-TASH: Please.

Yeah, I'll get you one.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) (TRUCK BEEPING) SAL: Oh, damn.

(BOTTLES CLINKING) I hate this, I hate it, hate it.

Wait, please.

-Oh, stop!

Stop!

-(TRUCK RECEDING) Please wait!

Oh, bloody hell!

Here, give me that.

You drink all these yourself?

Oh, why don't you say it a bit louder?

The whole town didn't hear you.

They are not all mine.

Sal?

Sal, Sal, Sal.

I know you haven't forgotten, Sal, but just a gentle reminder that rehearsals for the Biannual Charity Guild Fashion Show are at 2:00 today.

Oh, I don't think I can make that.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm afraid your presence is mandatory, Sal.

I've had bodies dropping out on me right, left, and center.

-Where's Tip?

-Taking a holiday.

Did she know about the show?

Oh, yeah.

(SIGHS) Any more and I shall be forced to forego the cruise wear section entirely.

And there's a His and Hers.

If I can drum up some His.

You might like to mention this event to Mr. Charles Dance when you next see him.

I doubt I'll be speaking to him today.

When do you speak to him?

I'm a builder, darling, not a social secretary.

-Oh.

-We are also trying to draw attention to the plight of our local ladies' fashion boutique, the House of Mary's.

Call it a PR stunt, if you will.

I'm afraid that the wolves of receivership are drawing ever closer to their door.

Very sad.

Still, you might like to mention it to him, little bit of local color and nice for him to know that he's moving to a town with a bit of glamour in it.

(CHUCKLES) Isn't it, Sal?

See you now.

Bye.

Sorry about that.

Funny place to put a coffee, by the way.

Hmm.

Do you fancy one?

-I'm sorry?

-SAL: A coffee.

Right.

Watch your head.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) Oh, sorry about the mess.

Don't look.

It's fine.

It's a home.

Yeah.

It's who you are.

SAL: Well...

It's your style.

What, comfortable but neglected?

Shabby chic.

(SAL CHUCKLES) I only really notice it when somebody new comes in.

Maybe it does need redoing.

Have a big sort out.

You know, give it a facelift.

I've seen some really nice colors.

-Is this Mike?

-SAL: Yeah.

How do you know?

I live in the pub.

Ah, yes.

Tip.

She's been filling you in.

Nothing bad, I hope.

She's virtually nominating you for sainthood.

Oh.

Well, you be devil's advocate.

Sit down.

You're making me nervous.

(BRIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) Hymn book for you, sir?

Prayer sheet for you, madam?

Please keep your feet in at all times, thank you.

Please keep your feet off the kneelers, thank you.

No muddy boots.

Prayer sheet for you, madam?

And music, please.

(HIGH-PITCHED OPERATIC VOCALIZATION) What are you doing?

(GASPS) I'm...

I'm verging.

-Can I?

-No!

-But I-- -No!

Get out, please.

It's only slow walking and putting out the hymn books.

No!

Well, would you like me to show you the slow walking?

No, I wouldn't.

Take this off.

Take it off, take it off.

Looks ridiculous.

And that.

Ridiculous.

SAL: Hello.

Oh, hello, what's this?

Dinner or camouflage?

You are not gonna believe this, right?

All of this stuff, which is totally fine, not off or like only just past okay, it's been thrown out.

It's like madness.

Bottle of Timotei, yeah.

Multipack Space Invaders.

Four oranges.

Bashed tin of oxtail.

Some Yum Yums and a leek.

You'd be buggered if you were on Ready Steady Cook.

-Ho, hey, Mother.

-(SAL CHUCKLES) Oh.

So, who've you been making coffee for, Mother?

I think we need a little chat.

I hear you talking to the bastard builder man, like, all the time now.

So?

(SCOFFS) I think I deserve an explanation.

Oh, Tash.

It all just got so boring.

There's just too much effort being angry all the time.

(HEAD THUDS) TASH: I hate it when you do this, Mother.

We have spent months being angry on your behalf.

We have given him, like, some really, really dirty looks.

And now you just say, "Oh, it's all too much effort"?

Look, remember this is, this is the man who killed your turkey.

I hated that turkey.

Do you know, he, he is quite nice actually.

I see, it's like that, is it?

No, it's not like that, whatever you're thinking "like that" is.

I just don't see the point in being horrible anymore.

And to be honest, I don't think your dirty looks were getting us anywhere.

(TASH GASPS) And, actually, when you lot decide to finally push off, it might be quite nice to have somebody going up and down the drive now and then.

Oh, shut up.

Yeah, well, Mother, you know, maybe you'd be kind enough to inform us before we have to start calling him Daddy?

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Please?

It's never going to be like that.

No, you're right, no.

It isn't gonna be like that, no.

I can actually guarantee that because I know some things about him.

What?

What?

Like, he has got an ex-wife.

Oh!

And, he only likes blondes.

No, but with enormous breasts who are half his age and apparently like, he hates, um, commitment as well.

Hmm.

And, you know, the way he speaks like, "Och, aye, the noo, "that van's gottae move.

No, it's gottae move, lassie."

-(SAL CHUCKLES) -He's, apparently...

It's 'cause he's Scottish.

(LAUGHS) (PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING) -Ooh, there are some lovely things here, Katie.

-KATE: Hmm.

I don't normally do's House of Mary.

Hmm, well, it is quite exclusive, I know.

No, I've got done for nicking in there.

She didn't like me, Mary.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, I do like that.

If I was say, 65, and I'd lost my husband, say, well, I have lost my husband, but I'm not 65.

But if I was, I would almost certainly buy that to get remarried in.

Sadly, only one of those is true.

So it's not for me, really.

Ta-da!

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

-No?

No, absolutely not.

-No, are you mad?

-Oh.

Do you honestly think this fashion show can do any good?

-Well-- -I mean, if they can't save Woolworths, what chance has House of Mary's got?

-Hmm.

-And, can I say, between us, even if it does close, there's a huge M&S in town.

Mm, I suppose not everyone can get into town.

-Well, who?

-Well, Mrs. Ottery.

Oh, so I've gotta spend an evening in elasticated slacks so Mrs. Ottery can buy her pants locally?

Pretty much, yes.

Now, ladies, where's my gavel?

Can I have your attention, please?

Now, can I set the scene as I see it?

We will have chairs going down both sides like this.

We will have a catwalk in the middle.

I will be standing on the side here.

I shall need the podium and the microphone from the church.

Perhaps the freestanding lights.

(LAUGHS) Oh, goodness.

You can see how they get so frazzled in Milan, can't you?

And then the models will change in the kitchen here.

They will come out one by one.

No smiling.

Now, then, let us go through the basics of walking.

I think we can all manage that, can't we?

Well, I know it sounds strange, but I have "Goggled" and there is more to it than you think.

I shall need a volunteer.

No, Rosie.

I think Susie will be the one for this.

No.

No, let Rosie do it.

Alright, Rosie, please, enter the catwalk.

Right.

Look, what are you doing, darling?

Uh, now then, it says here, throw your shoulders back -whilst pushing your pelvis forward.

-Yeah.

Keep your weight on the ball of your foot -rather than your heel.

-Yeah.

-This will give your stride more length.

-Yes.

Then your second foot should go exactly in the place of your first foot as you lift your knee like a horse.

-Carry on, please.

-Like this?

Yes, up.

Yes.

-(ROSIE EXCLAIMS) -(THUDS) -Rosie.

-Oh, Rosie!

That woman can overcomplicate walking.

-KATE: Oh, God.

-(ROSIE GASPS) Oh, it's alright, it's alright, yeah.

Oh, your legs are too short, darling.

Now, everyone, pick an outfit and have a go yourself.

But how can I do the catwalk if I can't walk?

I normally goes to Primark.

Well, keep on looking, my darling.

To be frank, she'll have a struggle, Katie.

Plus sizes weren't part of my vision.

I think to the outside world of fashion, we're all plus sizes here, Eileen.

You speak for yourself, Katie.

Oh, Caroline, that is beautiful.

Lovely, darling.

Susie, very nice, different top.

Let's think shoes.

Oh.

Oh, that is groovy, Pauline.

Red and orange together are fab.

They have been since the '60s.

How are you doing, Rosie?

Got this.

(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What the hell do you think you look like, Rosie Bales?

Oh, my God, it's Margaret.

You monstrous clodhopper!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, shush.

Margaret, no, shush.

Don't catch her eye.

(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) And you!

And your dreary, insipid gaggle.

You, madam, are a ridiculous puffed-up harpy with all the sophistication of a suet pudding!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) No, stop it, Margaret, stop it, stop it!

-Stop it, stop it.

-EILEEN: Oh, stop Rosie.

Get her, Kate.

Go and get her, Katie.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) I'll go down the church and pick up the podium.

Fetch her, Katie.

That's a House of Mary's outfit she's wearing.

I don't want her to get done for nicking again.

(SIGHS) Vicar.

Vicar.

Very strange.

Found her.

She's in the pub with Sal.

Oh, good.

But more importantly, the church door's locked.

Why is the church door locked?

Well, maybe he's out.

It's never locked.

I'm gonna ring him.

(KEYPAD BEEPING) (RINGING) (RINGING CONTINUES) (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) -Thank you.

-Thank you.

Listen, Rosie, you don't want to let Eileen wind you up, you know?

The fashion show, it's just a bit of a laugh.

You don't have to do it if you don't want to.

No, it's not that, Sal, I do wanna do it.

I just looks a fool, that's all.

SAL: What is it?

Well, it's just the doctor's telling me I've gotta lose weight.

SAL: Who, James, the stupid idiot?

Yeah, yeah.

Apparently I'm in the red part of the graph, I’m supposed to be in the yellow part.

And yellow doesn't even really suit me, even.

It's just, I feel like, really low at the moment.

And the vicar even shouted at me this morning as well.

-Did he?

-Yeah, he did, yeah.

Oh, darling, what can we do, I wonder.

Don't know.

(SIGHS) Go on.

Ricky doesn't want a bag of bones.

-He's away at the moment, Sal.

-Is he?

Yeah, he's doing the Bulgaria area trips on the Stobarts.

So I hardly ever even never even see him much at the moment.

Oh, Rosie.

Yeah, I mean, I know Christina Aguilera says that I am beautiful in every single way.

Just I don't feel that much at the moment.

Even Margaret says I've let myself go.

You don't wanna take any notice of what Margaret says, do you?

No, no.

-I know what we're gonna do.

-What?

I'm gonna take you home and I'm gonna give you a makeover.

(GASPS) -Yeah, that'd be lovely, yeah.

-Yeah!

Yeah.

The vicar is missing.

Good riddance.

Rosie!

Dress off before you get food on it.

Eileen!

Eileen, be nice.

Oh, sorry, sorry, love.

Stress.

Has anyone seen the vicar?

Anyone?

Yeah, I've seen him.

He was in here earlier filling up his flask.

I think he was off to the morgue.

He had his boots on.

Well, when will he be back?

We need the pulpit as a lectern.

-I don't know.

-Isn't it, lectern as a pulpit?

Or do I mean podium?

And the microphone, the trestles, the Velcro board.

Oh, this is the 11th hour.

We need to find the vicar to get the church keys.

He's officially a missing person.

Oh, let me go and find him, Eileen, in my capacity.

EILEEN: Well, hurry up.

(EILEEN GROANS) Yes, Captain Mainwaring, no, Captain Mainwaring.

We're all thick, thick, thick up here, Captain Mainwaring!

Bénédictine please, Janine.

And keep the schooner on the optic till I say when.

I need a triple.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Thanks.

Hello.

You haven't seen the vicar, have you?

Um, yes, he's over there.

-Is he?

Oh, thanks.

-Okay.

(YELPS) (WHIRRING) SAL: Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I bought you some paint charts.

Oh, thanks.

I just thought, oh, bloody builder.

It will all be apricot-white and peach from B&Q.

I'm not that bad.

These are actually really nice, so, thank you.

SAL: Okay.

Don't you just love that khaki green?

-What?

-Nothing.

I've gotta go and sort little Rosie out.

She's in a bit of a state.

-Is she okay?

-Well... You really like her, don't you?

Only sane person I've met since I've been here.

-What?

-You, a feminine side and a heart.

If it wasn't your dress sense, you'd make a perfect gay man.

Shut up.

How dare you?

Got a quick second to have a look around?

Cast your expert eye?

Go on then.

It'll cost you, though.

I'm flush.

(SAL SCOFFS) How do you know I'm not gay?

SAL: I know.

JOCK: I could swing both ways.

SAL: No, I know your sort.

You swung too far one way and got stuck.

It's the jacket.

JOCK: What's wrong with the jacket?

SAL: Lovejoy, 1985.

-JOCK: (LAUGHS) Shut up.

-(SAL LAUGHS) KATE: Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Vicar.

Oh, God.

(SIGHS) -Go away.

-KATE: No, wait.

(MUMBLES) Oh.

Go away, go away, go away.

That's not very nice.

VICAR: (SIGHS) What is it?

Oh, we need to get into the church and it's locked.

-Oh.

-There.

KATE: Ooh.

Eileen wants to borrow the lectern.

I don't care.

So that's a yes then, is it?

VICAR: Just go away.

Fine.

(WIND GUSTING) Are you alright up there?

VICAR: Yes.

Listen, I'm gonna leave my CPO hat down here and I'm gonna come up to you as myself, okay?

VICAR: No, go away.

Right, I'm gonna make my way up to you now.

-(KATE GROANS) -VICAR: Heaven's sake.

-KATE: Ow.

-VICAR: Just come.

-KATE: Sorry.

-VICAR: Come here.

-KATE: Oh.

Oh!

-VICAR: There.

KATE: Sorry.

Thank you.

-There.

-KATE: Oh!

Oh, I'm meant to be the one coming to help you.

I'm hopeless.

-Don't jump!

-What the hell are you doing?

-Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

-Get off, please.

Don't touch me, please.

You seem distressed.

No.

Has something upset you?

Look, I, I just... need space and peace to ask some questions, maybe get some answers.

The other day, someone... gave me a letter... written by her son.

He's in the Army.

It's... written in case he should die.

And she asked me to keep it... to pray for him... to take the burden.

But that's lovely.

But what if he dies?

But then it won't be your fault.

Or, or God's or Jesus'.

They didn't start the war.

(BOTH SIGH) God's not looking after you very well, is he?

(SCOFFS) I don't see how you can say that, not being a believer.

No, I-I'm not.

Not in a, an old man with a big white beard sitting on a cloud.

No, I'm, I'm, I'm not a believer.

But I think it's wonderful that you are, actually.

Well, thank you.

KATE: You and me are, are quite similar actually.

VICAR: Really?

What makes you think that?

I think people find us quite annoying.

Oh.

Yes.

Probably.

You know, both on our own and... Oh, oh, Veronica's... -Yes.

-...not... -No, no.

-No.

Well, then that hasn't helped either, has it?

-No.

-A little bit of heartbreak as well.

Yes.

-Right.

-I'm right.

Yes, will you actually stop being right, please?

No, I won't.

(LAUGHS) (VICAR CHUCKLES) Do you Twitter?

No, I don't think so.

I do.

-SAL: There you go.

-Ohh.

Oh, yeah.

(BLOWING) SAL: Right, now then... -Ohh.

-SAL: Gok Wan.

-Yeah?

-How to Look Good Naked.

Yeah.

What he says is you have to take all your clothes off and stand in front of the mirror and have a really good look at your body.

Oh, I... Well, I will if you will.

Oh.

Um...

I don't think we need to do that, do we?

-No, no.

-No, no.

-And anyway, I knows I look good naked.

-SAL: Yeah.

Yeah, it's with my clothes on I haven't got any confidence.

(ROSIE BLOWING) Anyway, I think it's Margaret making me feel bad and disrespecting myself.

No, I think it's just you, darling.

Or it could be Eileen, taking away my personal dignity.

No.

What about the vicar, not believing in my dream?

No.

I think it's because Rick is away so much.

There's nobody to make you feel nice and loved and sexy.

Yeah, 'cause normally I'm very sexy, aren't I, Sal?

Yes.

Because Ricky says I'm sex on legs.

-Aw.

-Yeah.

-(KATE LAUGHS) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CHATTER CONTINUES) (SIGHS) It's lovely here.

Yes.

-Thank you.

-For what?

For letting me unburden myself.

-That's my... -Job.

No.

That's my pleasure.

You know, if I was to believe in a sort of God, it... it would be more in a sort of a kind of power, you know, something that was bigger than all of us.

Something that we couldn't understand, like nature or... Love.

-Oh!

-Sorry.

-No.

It, uh... -Sorry.

No, actually I'm not bloody sorry.

It's alright.

I'm... (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Right, now, it's microphone, lights, lectern, podium.

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) What are you wearing, Sal?

I'm not wearing anything, Eileen.

What?

-I'm gonna do the door.

-Oh.

I think we're all set, Eileen.

Right, now, ladies, gather, please.

Remember, please, the three key words that I was taught when I was a house model in Dingles, Plymouth.

-Pauline?

-Brio?

-Brio.

-Élan?

-Élan.

-And pizza.

(EILEEN SIGHS) Pizazz.

(CHUCKLES) Brio, élan, and pizza.

Sparkle, ladies.

Zing, zip, vim, oomph.

To your outfits, go.

-Oh... (MUMBLES) -What are you using on your face?

Makeup.

Do you want to borrow some?

No, no.

It's rather good, isn't it?

I got it from a horse show.

The woman that normally does the liniment and embrocation.

She sells it now because, you know, horsewomen haven't got time to be fiddling about.

You just paint it on with a brush.

Oh.

-Covers very well.

-Doesn't it?

-Hmm.

Like a mask.

-Yes.

(APPLAUSE) Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

(EILEEN CLEARS HER THROAT) So welcome, ladies, and gentlemen, to the House of Mary's Guild Biannual Fashion extravaganza.

We'll be kicking off with the stylish spring and cruise wear.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -Our first model, Susie, is sporting a linen blend skirt featuring patch pockets button-through fastening and covered buttons for that sophisticated look.

It's a real dress-it-up or dress-it-down item, this one.

Semi-formal but, ladies, easy care.

Machine washable.

Thank you, Susie.

(APPLAUSE) And now Katie is à la mode in a navy cream fluted skirt, fully lined with polyester and cut on the bias for movement.

Fully expandable for those bloated days.

And teamed with a cheeky safari blouse, also available in taupe.

And a lightweight shower jacket for those inclement moments.

All machine washable.

-(APPLAUSE) -(MUSIC CONTINUES) Caroline is sporting a formal double-breasted blazer, dry-clean only, with polyester lining.

Two pockets at the hip and, and, and, and rounded double, double collar.

(MOUTHS) Okay.

Rosie is... is sporting... Oh, my, Jock.

(LAUGHS) ...is sporting a scarlet-crushed velvet Lycra cocktail dress with sweetheart neckline.

Perfect for cocktails with the captain.

And Jock is sporting the House of Mary's crease-resistant For Him range.

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (APPLAUSE) Ooh.

Yes, now, yes.

No, that's enough, Rosie.

Thank you, darling, that's enough.

That's right.

Thank you, Rosie.

(APPLAUSE) And now, ladies and gentlemen, in the tradition of fashion, we end on every girl's dream outfit.

(WEDDING BELLS CHIMING) (AUDIENCE GASP) And a final parade with models in slightly different outfits.

(APPLAUSE) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) CAROLINE: I really enjoyed that.

-So did I.

-Yes.

You're not taking your makeup off?

Doesn't come off.

SAL: Well done, Rosie.

ROSIE: Aw, thanks.

I, like, so worked it, didn't I, girlfriend?

-You did.

-Yeah.

-And it was, like, so amazing.

-Huh.

And, like, Jock was just awesome, wasn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, I really feel like I've started on my journey to me, Sal.

I feel like I've regained my dignity and my respect and my pride.

Oh, great.

Are you gonna take it up professionally, Rosie?

No, Sal, no.

I'm gonna reject the model lifestyle.

I don't think I could hack the travel.

Go and get changed now, Rosie.

Oh, I was gonna ask you about the dress.

No.

-Well, couldn't I just-- -No.

Just, it has to go back to the House of Mary's.

(ROSIE SIGHS) You alright, lover boy?

(LAUGHS) Hey, who thought you'd look good in a sports jacket?

Feels like a shroud.

Goodbye, Lovejoy.

Hello, New Tricks.

JOCK: Uh-huh.

EILEEN: Can I help you, Vicar?

Uh... KATE: Oh, Hillary.

Um, Rosie.

Oh.

I thought you were marvelous, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Very... alluring.

(KATE GIGGLES) Rosie.

Rosie?

Vicar.

Can I just say, I... thought you looked marvelous?

Thank you.

Particularly impressed with the walking.

Yeah.

I mean, I want, I want you to... have this, Rosie.

(GASPS) Oh!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Yes!

(MOUTHS) You're so lovely.

(ROSIE LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Off to the pub, Vicar?

No, actually I think we might open a bottle at the vicarage.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪