[rain drizzling] ELISE: Do you wanna be blue?

SANSA:No.

ELISE: No?

SANSA: Green.

ELISE: You wanna be green?

SANSA: Yeah.

NIKKI: You can't be green, that's my color.

SANSA: I'm gonna get the green.

NIKKI: If you get green, then I get blue.

ELISE: Can M be blue?

SANSA: Yes.

NIKKI: Yes!

[plastic rustles] SANSA: And you be green.

ELISE: Okay.

SANSA: You'll be green.

ELISE: Okay.

SANSA: You'll be blue.

NIKKI: Okay, so it's your turn.

NIKKI: Can you do the elephant?

NIKKI: Did you look at those three cards that are front of you?

SANSA: Yes.

Shark.

NIKKI: You wanna do the shark?

We had filed for adoption with an international adoption agency.

[Sansa cheers] NIKKI: But we were also in this Facebook group for special needs and high needs kids.

[Sansa laughs] NIKKI: What they do is post pictures and videos and say, "Adopt this child.

They need a home right now."

ELISE: I just won!

NIKKI: Oh, man.

ELISE: I got four in a row.

NIKKI:I didn't get anything.

I had a unicorn too, Sans.

SANSA: I got one!

NIKKI: We saw a post on there that said 18 month old baby with leukemia responding well to treatments.

And I read it and I was like, "Oh my God, this is our daughter."

ELISE: What are you gonna do?

SANSA: Hi.

[everyone laughs] CAMERA WOMAN: Hi.

NIKKI: Say I'm a star, baby.

SANSA: I'm a star, babe.

I'm a star, baby.

I'm a star, baby.

CAMERA WOMAN: You're a star?

ELISE: Knowing that Sansa had leukemia and was in remission, I was super apprehensive.

If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

I prayed about it, and I just kind of felt like, yeah, let's go for it and see what happens.

And then I forgot how many months into it, we got a video.

[Sansa babbling] ELISE: And I was like, "Yep, this is it."

ELISE: [claps] This is our daughter.

NIKKI: I have always felt strongly that family is a choice, first and foremost.

I do think that there's something really beautiful about some kid, some child, some life who needs a home, and being someone to be like, "Yo, we'll be that family for you."

[soft piano music] [Elise laughing] [Sansa babbling] SANSA: Bouncy, bounce, bounce, bouncy.

[Sansa clapping] ELISE: Sans babe.

Look, it's just your tooth.

You're gonna get a new one.

[Sansa cries] NIKKI: You're a big girl now.

[singing] * Happy end of chemo to you!

* [group applauding) SANSA: I see you over there.

SANSA: Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

[soft music] SANSA: I'm gonna be free.

I'm gonna be free [snapping].

I'm gonna be free.

Gonna be free.

NIKKI: Mom said you tried to use the potty yesterday.

Wanna try and use it again today?

SANSA: Silly.

NIKKI: You are silly.

SANSA: No, I don't want to.

NIKKI: You don't wanna what?

SANSA: I don't wanna use the potty.

[Nikki sighs] SANSA: Maybe next time.

Maybe tomorrow.

NIKKI: You know, [rubber gloves snapping] when you go to big girls school, you're gonna have to use the potty like a big girl because the teachers aren't gonna want to bring you to change your diaper in front of all your friends.

[Sansa giggles] SANSA: You want to... CHRISTINE: What's my name?

SANSA: Christine.

CHRISTINE: Yeah.

NIKKI: She was very excited for you.

CHRISTINE: I was very excited that you were on my schedule again today.

NIKKI: She's been singing, Miss Christine no more tubies CHRISTINE: Yay!

[Sansa squeals] CHRISTINE: Who's your favorite nurse?

CHRISTINE: [singing] No more tubies.

SANSA: There you go.

ELISE: Since Sansa's last leukemia relapse, which was her third, she has received immunotherapy treatments.

[everybody sings] * The wheels on the bus * * Go round and round * * Round and round, round and round * SANSA: You free!

You freedom!

ELISE: She can now be disconnected, which is great, cause now she can start school.

NIKKI: Sansa, I'm gonna go get your chips for your cup, and we can count them.

SANSA: No, it's okay.

CHRISTINE: Arms.

SANSA: Arms up?

CHRISTINE: Arms up like the wheels on the bus... [Sansa sings] * The wheels on the bus go round - * CHRISTINE: Look up, look up, look up.

Smile at the camera.

[Sansa sings] * The wheels on the bus go round and round * CHRISTINE: All right, arms down.

[both sing] * Round and round * * The wheels on the bus go round and round all- * CHRISTINE: Seriously?

You're killing me Smalls.

Stop touching!

[giggling] CHRISTINE: Don't touch it.

No, don't touch it.

Just leave it.

We're all done.

Now you can spin.

Let me see your spin.

[Together] Woo!

NIKKI: Go, go, go!

CHRISTINE: Let me see.

SANSA: Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

[everyone cheers] NIKKI: I just believe in my kid so much.

And I think when people meet her, and talk to her, and see her, and like knowing that she's been going through cancer treatment for like over four years, like most of her life that's all she remembers and is still like that happy all the time, like... She's just a special kid.

[streamer whistles] INSTRUCTOR: This is a gymnastic term.

It's called kipping.

We don't wanna fall into the fence.

We wanna come up.

Cause you can already see the dive forming when the hips are up and the head goes down.

Y'all ready?

ELISE: We grew up in Lafayette, Louisiana, and we met at church as young little teens.

[water splashing] ELISE: I wasn't allowed to date until I was 18 because apparently, I made a commitment- NIKKI: Yeah, you did when you were 12, right?

ELISE: -that I wasn't gonna date until I was 18.

NIKKI: Yeah.

ELISE: And I don't really remember that.

So my dad was like, "Yep, you're not allowed to date until your 18."

So we were "special" friends.

NIKKI: Special friends.

Which meant that we were like friends, but we liked each other.

But if you were gonna date somebody, like you were gonna marry them, you know.

ELISE: We weren't allowed to go out alone together.

NIKKI: For your birthday for 18, it was like official that we were dating, so it was fine.

ELISE: And then like six months later, you proposed.

[Elise laughs] NIKKI: She was in high school.

ELISE: I was a senior in high school, engaged.

NIKKI: Coming from both of our backgrounds, in religious backgrounds, like marriage is like the crux, end-all, be-all of what a relationship is supposed to be.

ELISE: We've been together more than 10 years.

[Together] Married ten- ELISE: But more than ten.

NIKKI: That's right.

[cars drive by] NIKKI: Elise and I, we adopted Sansa in the summer 2014.

By like 2015, January, I was having like major dysphoria and breakdowns and all like my gender crap just like [poof] like exploded.

Then like a big part of that was kind of like, I was trying so hard to be a dad, and I was miserable.

And then this was right around the time when like I started the process of coming out.

ELISE: See ya.

NIKKI: Hello.

ELISE: See ya.

NIKKI: You gotta wave.

Wave.

SANSA: See.

[giggles] [cars zooming by] ELISE: What time does school start?

NIKKI: [sighs] 7...

I think it starts at 7:40.

[laughs] ELISE: We don't even know.

NIKKI: We've never needed to know before.

ELISE: Oh, we're great parents.

This is so last minute, it's ridiculous.

NIKKI: Well, in fairness to us, we weren't planning on bringing her to school.

ELISE: How, can you look it up online?

NIKKI: Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now.

ELISE: We need scissors, playdough, construction paper, change of clothing [mumbling].

NIKKI: They're getting us into a program called CHIP, that's basically like she can miss days when she's sick and make it up via- ELISE: Two green plastic folders with pockets.

NIKKI: a person that comes to the house.

[child babbles in background] Girl you are literally touching everything, and you're driving me nuts.

SANSA: [yells] I don't want paper.

ELISE: Two green plastic folders.

SANSA: Oh, they're for school, baby.

NIKKI: Green plastic folders?

CAMERA WOMAN: Cause she's starting into kindergarten, right?

[Together] Yes.

ELISE: Is this- NIKKI: That's teal, it's good enough?

SANSA: Kindergarten.

CAMERA WOMAN: You're going to kindergarten?

ELISE: All right, let's go to the next isle.

We need glue.

[folders drops] NIKKI: Hey, the next time that you do that, I'm gonna have to take your book away.

SANSA: No, no, no school.

[Together] Yes.

NIKKI: You need to stop throwing stuff out of the cart because these are things that we're buying for you.

ELISE: We're almost done.

We just gotta get a few more things.

SANSA: This is for school.

SANSA: Do you wanna go to the park?

ELISE: Go!

Go!

[Sansa screams] [Elise giggles] ELISE: Your pants are falling.

What's happening?

SANSA: What's happening?

ELISE: Go Get M. ELISE: I am a benefits coordinator for NFL player benefits.

And since Nikki's a student, I am the main financial provider for our family.

Being the main financial provider, I do feel like there is pressure to be steady and stable, and quote unquote, like the rock of the family.

Even though our whole family is a unit, and we each provide different aspects, I do feel like there is extra pressure behind me.

[Sansa giggling] ELISE: Hi, welcome to our channel.

My name is Elise.

NIKKI: I'm Nikki.

Hi.

ELISE: Hi.

I did a little bit of pride make-up experimentation.

I don't know if you can see.

Just trying some fun things.

NIKKI: And I woke up gay, so.

[upbeat music] [photographer talking in background] ELISE: I love social media for the community aspect.

Besides being a wonderful creative outlet out of my 9 to 5.

With social media, I started out blogging, and now I focus more on Instagram and YouTube.

I think it's important to share all the stuff we've been through, even like the little things, because I know that when other people do that for me, it has really helped me out.

Just like makes me feel less alone.

And if I can do that for anyone, that would be great.

[soft piano music] [birds chirping] [cars driving] ELISE: Are you excited for school?

SANSA: Nope.

Katie.

ELISE: No, your teacher's name is Miss Ames.

SANSA: I'm slapping the knees.

ELISE: You're silly.

All right, Sansa, you need to finish up okay?

[knee slaps] [Sansa whines] NIKKI: Look how cute.

Oh, my gosh.

ELISE: Can you try to get some boomerangs of her?

NIKKI: I'll try.

ELISE: All right, stand up here, turn around, and you're gonna say, "Cheese," Okay?

SANSA: Cheese!

ELISE: Cheese!

SANSA: Cheese!

[camera shutter clicks] ELISE: Oh her lunch!

NIKKI: I'll get it.

I'll get it.

ELISE: It's in the fridge.

(laughs) NIKKI: I'll get it.

ELISE: It's all packed up.

Thank you for reminding me, Bug.

NIKKI: When she was four, we enrolled her for pre-K, but she wasn't able to start because she relapsed.

And the next year, we tried again.

This time with kindergarten when she was five, but she relapsed again, so she was never able to go.

We did decide to hold her back for kindergarten just because we want her to be prepared.

[bird chirping] [car door slams] SANSA: I'm just so excited.

ELISE: Are you?

I'm so glad.

NIKKI: Backpack.

ELISE: Come get your backpack on.

SANSA: Come get your backpack.

I'll hold the lunch.

ELISE: You wanna hold it?

You wanna hold your backpack too?

SANSA: No, no, no, no.

ELISE: No?

NIKKI: While Sansa is still in school, she'll still have to go for a monthly follow-up with Hopkins oncology labs for her leukemia.

She will also still need to go to appointments to see her glaucoma doctor, to uh physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech services.

Um, we've got this girl in the works.

[clothes rustling] [ambient music] NIKKI: I am a PhD student at Morgan State University, and I am writing my first novel.

I started writing when I was little, and I've been writing ever since, fiction, poetry, songs, screenplays, and now a book.

The relationship of the two characters in the book definitely was kind of a mirror of my relationship with my father in a lot of ways.

My dad was a good dad.

He's a stereotypical man's man.

He was a Marine and a drill instructor, a police officer, and now a minister.

Growing up, I was just different.

I wanted to play with the girls, and I liked girl things.

I wanted to stay with my mom in the house and in the kitchen.

So I was a very effeminate boy, but growing up in the deep South in Louisiana with my dad, it wasn't very encouraged.

[rain pouring] [thunder rolling] NIKKI: I like my women strong like Rousey.

Like cold blue fire.

Like the devil has hell to pay.

Hit him again, again, again, until red seeps out, until the skin peels back and all that's left is meat soul.

Hey, did you know that Spartan girls exercised naked and made fun of the weak boys?

Did you know that Jesus is the second Adam?

That Ambien makes you black out in 20 minutes tops?

And that I'd bury a body if you asked me to.

I know I know nothing, but baby girl, I know you're a fighter.

I just do.

[ambient music continues] [crickets chirping] [cars driving] [leaves rustling] NIKKI: Good job!

SANSA: Scooting around.

Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Scooting around.

[scraping of wheels on pavement] NIKKI: I'm going to his wedding cause we're like lifelong friends, and I'm super happy to support him.

But that also means I have to go down to Louisiana, which I'm really anxious about.

I will pitch up a softball like, "Hey, gonna be in town for a few days, let me know...

If Y'all are around or whatever and just see what happens.

I'll probably try and stay with my brother or sister.

CAMERA WOMAN: Well, you have a relationship with your brother and sister, right?

Just not your parents.

NIKKI: I mean, I have a relationship with them.

It's not that I don't have a relationship.

It's just that I can't go over to the house as me.

ELISE: As you as a person?

NIKKI: Yeah, like he can only talk to his son, and I- ELISE: That person doesn't exist.

NIKKI: Yeah, well- [Elise chuckles] NIKKI: I don't know.

ELISE: You are one in the same person, can't change.

NIKKI: Well, that's what I tried to say.

ELISE: It's not a personality [pencil scribbling] NIKKI: My relationship with my family drastically changed when I transitioned, especially with my parents.

I think the hardest thing for me was that coming out put, I guess in my mind, a stipulation on the love, or the access to my family that I had before because of what my parents believe.

And yeah, it just sucks.

ELISE: Did you have a good nap?

Do you see what I'm making?

Did you see?

Do you know?

Do you even know what I'm making for M?

Do you remember?

SANSA: Cookie.

ELISE: Yeah, cookies.

NIKKI: Can I be your cookie?

ELISE: Look.

[Sansa laughs] ELISE: What do you think?

[Sansa laughs] ELISE: What do you think?

Is Cookie Monster gonna eat them?

[Sansa chomps] [bang of table] ELISE: All right, they're not done yet though, Okay?

SANSA: Ooh!

ELISE: I'm working on them.

NIKKI: You need your diaper changed, love.

ELISE: Your tutor is gonna be here in the next few minutes.

NIKKI: Yeah, she'll probably be here.

Let's change your diaper now, huh?

TUTOR: Can you tell me first?

I'm so interested to know what's up in school today.

Sansa, look at Ms.

So.

So what's up today in school?

ELISE: For Sansa, some of her delays are just like an overarching, like neurocognitive delay, and she does have certain tools, but then in other ways, like she has very fine motor skills that are like not very good.

She has a hard time writing her name and just certain things are hard for her.

Like I know she has ADHD, and her focus and attention is just really hard.

SANSA: Dah.

MS.

SO: Dah.

Say... Look at me, dah.

SANSA: Dah.

MS.

SO: Okay.

Can you give me a word that starts with dah?

Mmmm?

SANSA: Dah.

MS.

SO: Dog.

SANSA: Dog MS.

SO: Drum.

SANSA: Drum.

MS.

SO: Okay, good.

SANSA: I don't wanna- MS.

SO: Sansa, how about this?

You always open the door for Ms.

So, right?

[footsteps running] [door knob clicks] MS.

SO: Okay, girl, bye-bye.

NIKKI: Good job.

Bye.

MS.

SO: Bye.

And the slamming of the door.

NIKKI: Oh, yes.

[giggles] [door slams] [electronic buzzing] NIKKI: You want the candy, you gotta work for it, honey.

You got to show 'em what you're made up.

Flip that hood up.

Show them it's Cookie Monster.

ELISE: You have to be like, "I'm Cookie Monster."

NIKKI: Give me the candy.

SANSA: Give me the candy.

ELISE: You ready?

Right here, Sans.

ELISE: Thank you.

MERMAID: Trick-or-treat.

ELISE: Thanks.

NIKKI: Say thank you.

ELISE You can eat it.

WOMAN: How are you?

ELISE: Good.

WOMAN: Stay right there.

My partner's grabbing tooth brushes.

The most important part.

ELISE: Thank you.

NEIGHBORHOOD WOMAN: How are you baby?

ELISE: Come on.

NIKKI: What happens if I eat your candy?

SANSA: Here.

NIKKI: Aw, you're so kind.

ELISE: Aw, you are the sweetest.

NIKKI: It doesn't work with you.

I'm okay, thank you.

SANSA: I'll save the lollipop.

ELISE: Yeah, we'll save it for later, okay?

[Sansa squealing] SANSA: Hi, Cookie Monster.

ELISE: Hey, Cookie Monster.

[slow ambient music] NIKKI: The last time I went to Louisiana, it was complicated because literally three months before, I was inpatient in a mental health ward for depression and suicide.

I went down.

It was clear that something was going on with me.

I was transitioning, wearing leggings, being femme with my voice.

And my mom was sweet, and the family was nice.

I could tell my dad was being like standoff-ish, a little weird.

It was- it started out with questions, like asking me, "Why do you feel this way?

I've only ever seen you as a man.

Do you think you need more testosterone?

Is it low testosterone that's making you feel this way?"

And so I was just trying to answer questions and ya know, whatever, but my dad got like really upset, and he stood up, he was like, "Enough, I'm tired of this!

Do I need to come across a room and [inaudible].

You're a man!"

And it was just like...

I remember just being like, "No."

And like somebody started like laughing in the room, and my dad was like, "I'm serious."

And I, oh man, it was just awful.

I think we asked like, "Okay, so what does that mean?"

And I was told that boundaries needed to be put in place and that one of those boundaries was gonna be that I was not welcome to come over for the holidays or to the house as anything other than my father's son.

So that meant, no clothes, no surgery, no breasts.

So, yeah, and like, at the end of that meeting, it was kind of just like, "Dad, what do you want me to do?"

And he was like, "You know, you're rushing things.

You need to slow down and put a pause button."

And I knew that I couldn't do that.

[mellow piano music] [birds flying and chirping] NIKKI:I like sad things.

They remind me of cold nights.

The way orphans share lack.

My friend says, we're masochists.

We need the control.

I say self-love is way too much work, and I don't have enough caffeine for that sort of thing.

I like scary things, like death, being alone at an office party, some guy whispering, "Faggot," when I leave the restroom.

You know, anything else that I can't be in control of.

Maybe that's why I love my God complex so much.

My therapist says we can fit anything into a narrative.

I say, I don't care.

I just wish I could contort into the box that makes everyone happy.

But I've never been good at happy, self-preservation, being a boy, or knowing how many times I'll cry today.

[flutes play] CHOIR DIRECTOR: Okay.

Here we go.

[choir sings] * He is born, the Holy Child * * Play the oboe and the trumpets merrily * * He is born, the Holy Child * * Raise your horn and play with me * ELISE: Faith is such a... ever-evolving thing.

Especially for me, like it's changed so much.

Growing up, it's like, "Gay is bad.

Homosexuality is a sin."

And I don't wanna use the word brainwashed, just, it's like I didn't know any better, like this was normal.

And then Nikki's transition kind of like rocked my religious foundation.

If you're gonna transition to a girl?

Does that mean like I am gay?

I am like homosexual?

So it just kind of like rocked that boat and had me do like some deep dives and some deep soul searching.

And also questioning, like, well, if my wife transitions and then we both go to hell, like is this something I even want to be a part of anymore?

[suspenseful tv music] ELISE: In the transition process, I don't like using the word loss just because it has been used against us through family or just like, "That person has died," or just like something really drastic.

I don't like that because Nikki is still Nikki, but there was some sort of grieving process.

ELISE: Whenever you were dressing and like doing makeup, like I had a lot of fun with that, that was fine.

I think like my...

Whenever I got like nervous, was hormones.

And then surgery was just like.. [gasps] NIKKI: That was a big deal.

ELISE: Because you always told me you didn't wanna get the surgery.

NIKKI: Yeah, I think like there was a lot of fear for me and about our relationship, and especially the idea of like, "When is she not going to be okay with this?

When is like it gonna be too much?"

And you're gonna be like, "I can't do this."

And, so like from starting hormones to being like, "No, this means that I'm going to grow breasts.

I'm going to be read as feminine."

So yeah, it was just like really... scary because I just didn't know what it would mean for us every time.

ELISE: Yeah.

NIKKI: Yeah.

[singing] * Then how the reindeer loved him * * As they shouted out with glee * * Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer * * You'll go down in history... * [cars driving] [crickets chirping] SANSA: There's some more color.

[music plays in background] ELISE: There we go.

NIKKI: Nice.

SANSA: Nice!

NIKKI: If you don't listen, I'm gonna have to put you in time out the next time that you touch it.

ELISE: Can you let it dry?

Look how pretty it's gonna be.

SANSA: Oh.

NIKKI: So this round of Amatuximab is gonna be her last immunotherapy treatment.

So they're going to give her a dose after Christmas, on the 26th, and then theoretically, she should be done.

So now comes the waiting game.

The thing that makes me nervous.

[Sansa mumbling] NIKKI: But yeah, next week will be your last week of treatment.

[Sansa clapping] NIKKI: Oh wait, I'm not talking to you.

You're in time out.

SANSA: Oh, God.

SANSA: M, I don't wanna get ready for bed yet.

NIKKI: Why?

SANSA: Well, because I'm not tired.

NIKKI: I don't know if I believe you.

SANSA: I'm not tired.

NIKKI: You look tired.

SANSA: No.

NIKKI: [sniffing] You smell tired.

SANSA: No.

No!

No!

NIKKI: I had Sansa start calling me M because Elise, she was Sansa's mom.

I didn't know what I wanted to be called.

I wanted to be Sansa's mom, so I just shortened it to M. [toothbrush singing] NIKKI: Tickle teeth.

Tickle teeth.

[Sansa giggling] ELISE: Ah!

NIKKI: You can't fight the tickles.

ELISE: Rawr.

NIKKI: You got her?

NIKKI: Wanna do eye drops first?

ELISE: You got em?

NIKKI: Lay down.

[Sansa babbles] [Elise laughing] NIKKI: Do you want me to count?

SANSA: No.

NIKKI: Do you wanna do the drops?

SANSA: No.

NIKKI: What if I count in Russian?

[Nikki counts in Russia] [Sansa giggling] NIKKI: Boop!

SANSA: Jena!

ELISE: We did it already.

SANSA: Ow.

NIKKI: Sorry, sorry.

NIKKI: Oh, my God.

[Sansa whining] NIKKI: Sansa, hold still.

ELISE: You know how to do this.

[Sansa whining] NIKKI: I gotcha.

One, two, three.

I'm gonna move fast, one, two, three.

NIKKI: This is the Lovenox injections.

It's a blood thinner.

She had, a blood clot in her neck from when she had an IJ, which was like a central line connected to her jugular.

SANSA: IJ.

ELISE: Yeah.

NIKKI: She pulled it out and there ended up being a clot there.

And because she's had central lines, they consider her a clot risk.

So this is literally a blood thinner, and she has to get it everyday until we pull out all her lines.

[Sansa groans] SANSA: Hey!

NIKKI: Everything's fine.

ELISE: Ready?

We'll count.

SANSA: Jena, Jena.

ELISE: Yeah, show Jena.

NIKKI: One- SANSA: Mom, I don't want Jena.

SANSA: Three.

NIKKI: Woo!

NIKKI: Good job.

All done.

[Sansa laughs] [Elise claps hands] ELISE: You did it.

NIKKI: Dear Jesus, we thank you for today.

Thank you for all your blessings that you've given us.

I pray that you please help us have a good day tomorrow.

Please continue to keep Sansa healthy.

Please continue to be with our family, and God just guide us in the direction we are going.

Amen.

ELISE: Amen.

[Nikki makes airplane sounds] ELISE: Did you hear me?

[Sansa laughs] [cellphone piano music plays] SANSA: What M?

NIKKI: Oh, is that me playing piano?

ELISE: All right, put your hands up.

NIKKI: Hands up.

[piano music plays] ELISE: With your green hair.

NIKKI: I miss my green hair.

ELISE: Do you miss that piano?

NIKKI: Yes!

So bad.

[piano music plays] SANSA: What is M gonna do?

ELISE: Did you zoom up on her face?

[Nikki sings] * Bittersweet life * * I have loved and lost * my heart along the way [Nikki playing piano] [Sansa squeals] [Sansa giggling] SANSA: Ooh, what's this?

This is a big one.

[stomps] ELISE: What do you think?

Hold on, miss.

Wait, you can't open yet.

[paper tearing] [Sansa yelling] [Nikki laughing] SANSA: Ooh, this book!

SANSA: Yay!

[Elise and Nikki laughing] SANSA: Should we read it?

[Elise and Nikki laughing] [Sansa stomping] NIKKI: Oh my god.

SANSA: Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom!

NIKKI: We got you "Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom."

We told you.

ELISE: We got it from Grandma and Grandpa.

SANSA: A-B-C-D-E-F-G And turn the next page.

[Nikki laughs] SANSA: Turn the next page.

Chicka Chicka Boom, A-B-C, A, B, told C, I'll meet you at the top... NIKKI: Of the coconut tree.

[fingers snapping] SANSA: Open more presents.

[Nikki laughs] SANSA: Open more presents.

NIKKI: Try that one.

ELISE: That's one from grandma and grandpa.

NIKKI: I wonder what it could be.

ELISE: I don't know.

NIKKI: No idea.

[paper tearing] NIKKI: I really don't.

[paper rustling] NIKKI: It's not the one we were waiting for.

SANSA: Oh!

[Sansa squeals] NIKKI: Is that the bear stays up for Christmas?

SANSA: Oh, yeah.

[paper tearing] NIKKI: Yeah, say, yay.

ELISE: I don't think so.

NIKKI: We have that book.

ELISE: We do have that book.

They got it for you last year.

SANSA: Ooh.

NIKKI: Swing and a miss.

NIKKI: Are you ready for chocolate chip pancakes?

ELISE: Do you wanna help me make them?

SANSA: No.

[Elise and Nikki laugh] ELISE: Alright.

[text message chimes] NIKKI: Oop.

Is that me?

ELISE: I don't know.

NIKKI: It's my dad.

ELISE: Of course, it's him.

[dogs barking] [cars driving] NIKKI: My dad sent me a video and like the first thing he does is like say my old name, and so it's kind of like, great, okay.

So yeah, I'm like, I don't wanna talk to anybody today.

I'm kind of in a bad mood.

[chuckles] It's been three years guys.

Like, come on, please, please.

It's not that hard.

It's a little "E" at the end of my name.

"E," you know.

Whatever.

[dogs barking] NIKKI: How is everyone?

AUDIENCE: Good.

NIKKI: My name is Nikki Richard, and I'm gonna read some sad poems for you.

This poem is called, "I killed your son."

I dream you'd see me in a dress and die Because I killed your son.

First born, my black wedges pump into his thick neck.

My contour brush stains his name.

The one you picked just for me.

Son, a man defends those who can't defend themselves.

You tell me that inside of Best Western hotel.

But what about Wonder Woman?

My heart screams.

She has black hair, just like me.

Mother is crying.

Every girl deserves a father.

I never had a father.

Think of your daughter.

I cry because I can't be a father.

Can't be a man.

I tried so hard, asked Jesus a thousand times.

He said there is no gender in heaven.

I dream you see me.

This time it's okay to be a girl, to be with you, to be your daughter, or something like that.

I dream again, and again, and again, and no matter what, it always hurts.

[pitter patter of snow and rain] [ambient music] NIKKI: How are you doing?

SANSA: Rocking.

NIKKI: You're rocking?

Is this your last day of Amatuximab?

Yeah?

Hooked up to the machine?

Yeah?

Chilling?

Ready to get this over with?

SANSA: No.

NIKKI: No, you want to stay forever?

SANSA: Yes.

NIKKI: Well, you can't because your treatment's gonna end.

Yay!

[Nikki giggles] NIKKI: Can you wake up?

Sans, hey, hey.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop.

I don't get nothing.

ELISE: I feel like because Sansa's treatments coincided with surgery so much, and her relapses coincided with that, we- NIKKI: I had surgery, and she relapsed like a week later.

ELISE: -like our relationship hasn't had to talk about a lot of things until just recently.

ELISE: Like I don't want to be the like default... [sighs] strong person of the house.

I feel like I've had to like hold everything, and I just don't want to do that anymore.

NIKKI: What do you feel like are some of those needs?

ELISE: Holding together the financial portion of the house.

NIKKI: Because you've had to do that a lot.

ELISE: Mm hmm and as of more late, I've become Sansa's default caretaker when before it was mostly you.

NIKKI: Mhm.

ELISE: And so that's something new and like a lot.

And what else?

I feel like I don't even know sometimes what I need to like be happy because I've been so...

I'm trying not to cry.

Oh, my gosh.

NIKKI: You can cry, babe.

ELISE: I've been so like shut...

I like shut myself down, and it hasn't served me.

NIKKI: No.

ELISE: And then like also then us.

[mellow music] [cars driving] [birds chirping] ELISE: I started on Wednesday last week.

And then today is day seven, I guess.

No, eight.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Day eight, yes!

We're getting there guys.

I just like want to be done.

ELISE: I decided to donate my eggs.

The main driving force was financially, just because we are in a lot of credit card debt, still are.

And mostly that racked up when Sansa was in the hospital.

ELISE: Whatever you want to do.

NIKKI: Okay, one, two.

[Elise exhales] ELISE: Thanks.

It's giving more.

Ah.

Done.

We did it.

NIKKI: No, you did it.

ELISE: You helped me.

NIKKI: Yeah.

ELISE: Thank you.

NIKKI: You're welcome.

[heart monitor beating] [Elise's mother moaning] ELISE: Another reason why I am doing this because I know that it's going to give another family an opportunity to bring a child into this world.

That's super important to me because of Sansa, and how she is a part of our family through adoption.

[baby Elise cries] ELISE'S MOM: That's right fuss at me.

The sign of things to come.

ELISE: If there is a way that people can start a family like you should be able to have access to it in whatever way that that can come to you, in whatever way you would like that to happen.

ELISE'S MOTHER: You are doing so good little girl.

Yes, you are.

[machine beeping] ELISE: Hi.

NIKKI: Hi.

ELISE: I made it.

NIKKI: You did.

How was your procedure?

ELISE: It was good.

I don't remember anything.

NIKKI: Yeah?

ELISE: I just remember putting the oxygen mask on.

NIKKI: Uh huh.

ELISE: And that was it.

NIKKI: Just that oxygen mask?

ELISE: Yeah.

NIKKI: Yeah.

Is there anything else you want to talk about, or are you good?

ELISE: I'm sleepy... NIKKI: Yeah, I know, I can tell.

You should not be driving your car.

[Nikki chuckles] ELISE: So surgery?

NIKKI: Yes.

ELISE: Why?

NIKKI: I'm having a revision surgery.

So I did my GRS surgery in July, 2017.

[phone falls] [Elise yells] ELISE: And this surgery is a revision surgery.

NIKKI: Of my GRS, original surgery that happened in July 19, 2017.

ELISE: Yeah.

NIKKI: I have some excess skin growth that needs to be cut as well as some pain issues relating to depth in my [inaudible], so they're gonna cut the extra skin, so I can have a nice clean [inaudible].

And then they're gonna like scope inside of it treat any problem areas that they've been having.

They may need to like cut, I don't know.

I may or may not leave with a catheter and packing.

ELISE: Hopefully not.

NIKKI: Hopefully not, but... ELISE: Yeah, we'll be there for a couple of days in Philly.

[whoosh of wind] [coffee dripping] NIKKI: This is it.

ELISE: Oh my God.

We've just talked about it.

We've summoned it.

NIKKI: Hello?

HOSPITAL STAFF: [on phone] Hi, is Nikki available?

NIKKI: Yes.

This is her.

HOSPITAL STAFF: Nikki, Hi, it's Debbie calling from Hahnemann.

How are you today?

NIKKI: Good.

How are you?

HOSPITAL STAFF: Good.

Is that your preferred name, Hun?

NIKKI: Yes, ma'am.

HOSPITAL STAFF: Perfect, okay.

So I do have your instructions for tomorrow, if you want to grab your pencil.

NIKKI: I would love to, give me just a second.

HOSPITAL STAFF: You're gonna report to the eighth floor at the hospital.

NIKKI: Okay.

HOSPITAL STAFF: When you get off the elevator on eight, just follow the sign for surgery.

NIKKI: All right, thanks so much.

HOSPITAL STAFF: You're welcome.

Have a good night.

NIKKI: You too, bye bye.

HOSPITAL STAFF: Bye now.

ELISE: Cool.

NIKKI: Cool.

ELISE: 6:00 AM.

[Elise gags] ELISE: I just need you to listen to Ms. Brittany or else you're gonna be in big trouble whenever Mom and M come back home.

NIKKI: Yeah, and there will be no TV remote.

There will be no iPad.

There will be no iPhone.

BRITTANY: Can you say bye, I love you?

SANSA: Bye.

NIKKI: Say it to me.

SANSA: Goodbye.

NIKKI: Goodbye Sansa, I love you.

You be good, okay?

ELISE: She's stressing me out.

NIKKI: Babe, I know, but like there's literally nothing we can do.

ELISE: I know, I just feel so bad because she's been so bad.

BRITTANY: Sansa, do you want to pull your pants up?

PAUL: Are you washing it off?

[Brittany laughs] ELISE: Sansa pooped her pants on purpose.

B said, "She [inaudible] in front of me on the stairs."

[Nikki laughs] ELISE: Babe, our child is crazy.

ELISE: Sansa's just like crying outside of their door.

I'm just like- NIKKI: There's like, I don't know what to tell... Like you have to figure this out on your own.

Like I can walk you through everything, but it's a child.

She's got a really strong will, you're just gonna have to break her and eventually she will go to sleep.

And, I don't know.

[sighs] I'm really sad that it's so stressful.

I wish our kid behaved better.

[plastic crunches] [melancholy music] [gentle breeze] NIKKI: Before, my relationship with myself was always just an act of tolerance that I am a mind inside of a body that I have to deal with, but I never felt connected to my body.

I never liked my body.

I think through transition, it was so scary thinking like, "Oh my God, what if I do this, and it ruins my whole life, and it's the worst thing?"

But every step I've done has just only made me happier with myself and like feeling attractive for the first time in my life, feeling desirable, feeling like it's not, I understand that it is outside or that's maybe what people see is the outside, but it's more than that to me.

It's the fact that I'm able to just be myself, which I was never able to be by myself for a long time.

And I just like... even just thinking about it, I...

I don't know, I just could never go back to that.

Like I could never go back to that unhappiness.

[indistinct hospital chatter] [leaves rustling] ELISE: Look how cute, and with your cutie new dress.

No?

All right, you ready to get your M & M's cause you've kept it in?

Good job.

SANSA: I'm keeping it in!

NIKKI: Oh, my gosh.

Look, how cute you are.

SANSA: No.

ELISE: You wanna cover your ears?

SANSA: Yeah, um, yes.

ELISE: All right, you ready?

[Sansa yells] [dull scraping] ELISE: Now, Nikki and I are in couples therapy to kind of like really focus in on us and hashing out the real world [inaudible] that we're not used to like dealing with.

And it's just crazy because it's something that we've sat on for so long, and like it's still is a process.

She is still transitioning and like really new into this.

And like, I'm still really new into this, but we're both committed to each other, and to working through it in the best way that we can.

SANSA: First grade.

ELISE: First grade.

[spoon clanging] SANSA: First day of school.

ELISE: Excited?

SANSA: Yeah, a new pose.

ELISE: No, that's not how we pose.

Put your hands on your hips.

You ready?

Hands on your hips.

[car beeps] ELISE: Look up.

SANSA: Can I see it?

ELISE: Yay!

That one was a cutie.

Look at that cutie.

ELISE: We are so proud of Sansa and all the things she's accomplished this year.

She became potty trained.

She's six months post-treatment, which means she's been in remission for a year.

Also, kind of terrified because it's real school, and I just want her to do well.

[cars whipping by] NIKKI: Ta-da!

I've got five copies.

Yeah, I know, like I'm super excited.

Like Holy crap, it feels like a real book.

An MFA graduate from University of Baltimore.

She lives in the city with her hot wife, amazing daughter, and fluffy cat.

I had written my dad a letter last year being like, "Hey, I love you, but this is who I am.

And I really wanna be a part of your life, but like, you know, like, I am a girl.

My name is Nikki."

And, you know, whatever.

And he just never responded.

What I've had to do is like learn to kind of be my own person and kind of like challenge those things that my father like taught me and raised me.

And like I've learned a lot of great stuff.

Like my dad was a good dad.

He took care of me.

He fed me.

He loved me.

Just the... adherence and the strictness to like the gender roles and the... homophobia and like transphobia and stuff I know that that's not true.

I know that trans people aren't bad people.

They're not sick people.

They're not broken people.

Like they're just people.

And like, so I wanna take those good things, but I also need to like let go of some things, and it's been a journey.

So.

"Samuel was seven the first time he killed his own deer.

He watched his father put down ensnared animals many times before, but when it was his turn to cut the creature's throat, he forgot all the instructions.

His slice was crooked and shallow, and he'd missed the artery.

He cried after that.

And his father had to come over and do it right.

Samuel was humiliated.

Even as his bastard, Samuel continually felt like a disappointment to his father.

He wouldn't only make a poor cleric, but a poor man.

He was weak.

His branch-like arms and legs too dainty to overpower much of anything, and he cried way more than a boy should.

He wanted to be strong, to be resilient, and do whatever was necessary to survive.

But did he have it in him?

It was one thing for him to watch his father put a deer down, and another when he was the one holding the knife.

[crowd applauds] [piano music] [crowd cheers] [crowd chitchatting] FAN: So they're really into me and I'm into them.

NIKKI: So it's a symbiotic- NIKKI: Sometimes the hardest part of being a published writer is getting that first work published, so really just putting my work out there right now is pretty important.

And I would really, hopefully, like people to read it and like it.

Ideally, I want this novel to be for young people, whether or not they're queer or whatever they're going through.

Just any kid that is struggling to find their identity.

And maybe they're having a hard time separating themselves from their parents.

Taking both the good things that they've taught you as well as maybe the things that don't fit for you.

[soft optimistic piano music] [birds chirping] [cars driving] ROSEMARY: Okay, so tonight my guest is Elise.

And you are living in Baltimore, but you hail originally from Louisiana.

And we're gonna be talking about your journey with your daughter, Sansa, who is gonna be seven this spring.

God, that's crazy.

ELISE I know.

ROSEMARY: So welcome.

ELISE: Hi, thank you.

ROSEMARY:So what does sort of like the future look like for you guys and for Sansa?

ELISE: I feel like if we can keep this sense of just like her just regular life prolonged, that will be amazing.

ROSEMARY: It's just so much, I don't know how you manage it.

ELISE: I know, I'm like...

I don't know.

Like if I meet people for the first time, and they'll start asking questions, and I'm like, "Do I need to go into this too, here?"

Like, I don't know.

Cause I feel like it's so much that people are like, "Oh my God."

They start feeling bad for you.

And I'm like, that's not what I want.

ROSEMARY: Right, exactly.

ELISE: But it's like, how much do I need to like let out to everyone?

ROSEMARY: But I think in letting it out and in sharing it, hopefully someone either listening, or watching, or seeing your social media, if they ever come into a situation, they can think back and be like, "Oh, I can handle this because I've seen someone handle it."

ELISE: Yeah.

ROSEMARY: You know, which is just the best we can hope.

ELISE: Right.

That's also kind of why I'm like, you're not alone.

This is my life.

Things can really suck, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or it doesn't mean that everything's going wrong all the time.

And you're not alone in that.

And like one of the biggest lessons that this has taught me, I've learned like quite a few, but one of them is like you don't know what someone else is going through.

ROSEMARY: Yeah.

ELISE: And just being like how I freaking functioned, I don't know how I did, but I did.

And like, cause you have to.

And I'm like, I can only imagine what someone else goes through on a daily basis that you won't ever know about, so be kind.

[giggles] And it like comes in waves, and it can feel like life is freaking impossible but then the wave goes down, and it's manageable and it freaking gets better, I promise.

ROSEMARY: Well, thank you so much for joining me.

ELISE: Yeah, thank you.

Yay!

ROSEMARY: And we are... done.

[slow organ music] [waves crashing] NIKKI: Family means one thing.

It means choice.

It means commitment.

It means hell or high water, no matter what happens, I'm there for you.

[Sansa giggles] NIKKI: And I accept you.

[slow organ music] I think I had thought for so long that family is blood and family is always being there for each other and having each other's backs.

Now I think it's just accepting someone for who they are.

How they are.

Their quirks, the things you love, the things that annoy you.

That's family.

[waves crashing] [giggling] NIKKI: And so, I choose my family.

[upbeat music]