VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... That's the pig for you?

This is the pig for me.

VO: ..one antiques expert each...

Celebrities.

We're here to make money.

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

I've got a lovely eye.

Look at it.

It's just the one.

VO: ..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

There's no shame in that, and I... VO: Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

Do you like that?

And I tell you what, it goes with your eyes.

Does it, yeah?

VO: And who will be the first to say "Don't you know who I am?!"

Cuckoo!

VO: Time to put your pedal to the metal - this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

Yeah!

VO: Heroic Herefordshire opens its antiques shops for this round of the Antiques Road Trip.

Squeezed into this rather suave 1972 Alfa Romeo Spider... PENNY: Oh!

VO: ..we have a pair of TV favorites... You need a comedy moustache.

What a shame!

I've got a really big bag and no comedy moustache!

OK, here we go.

VO: ..each with £400 to spend on antiques for auction.

PENNY: Do you actually know anything about antiques?

NEIL: Um... NEIL: Not a great deal.

NEIL: Um... how about your good self?

PENNY: I once had a much older boyfriend.

PENNY: Do you collect anything?

NEIL: I collect wine... PENNY: Yeah but it's not really an antique.

NEIL: ..I collect art... PENNY: You should collect toby jugs.

NEIL: How do you know I don't?

NEIL: (LAUGHS EVILLY) NEIL: In fact, how do you know that I'm not an antiques expert?!

VO: He's not.

He's the former comedy actor who took the sitcom to new depths - with the hilarious "Game On".

VO: Then he got all serious on us, becoming the guy to ask for glossy drama.

And he hasn't looked back.

VO: He's Neil Stuke.

VO: And we have this charming spring flower, this lady from Rutland - the face of GMTV for 17 years.

She kept us entertained throughout the day.

She's Penny Smith.

NEIL: I think the key here, obviously, is not... PENNY: To listen to the people who are our antiques experts.

PENNY: How about that?

NEIL: No.

PENNY: Oh.

NEIL: It is our job to make money, NEIL: So it's not about what we like, it's about making money... PENNY: And it's about what I like.

VO: And it's about trust, so we've pulled out all the stops to get you the very best experts.

And when they weren't available, we got the best you could fit into this tiny Fiat Gamini.

THOMAS: Have you put on a few pounds since I last saw you?

PAUL: You!

How very dare you?!

It's this car.

PAUL: Does it make my bum look big?

THOMAS: It makes it look huge!

VO: He's the cavalier Caledonian, the maestro of militaria.

(COCKNEY ACCENT) 'And over your money, sir!

VO: He's the Napoleon of negotiation.

This is where the nice young man thing turns into a... Oh, not so nice!

..hideous monster!

VO: He's a serious professional.

VO: He's Paul Laidlaw.

(ENGINE RATTLING) THOMAS: Oh dear, she's not sounding that good is she?!

PAUL: Either that or the SAS are machine-gunning at us!

VO: And I know what you're thinking: that cool cat's got some swagger - what's his name?

You just wanna smash them!

Oh, God!

VO: He's a strong, manly auctioneer, who knows an awful lot about jewelry.

We need to buy more - I need to buy more.

VO: He's vivacious, he's bodacious, he's keen to impress us.

He's Thomas Plant!

PAUL: Have you a preference as to which, eh... THOMAS: Not really.

PAUL: Who you scoot off with?

No, I don't really mind.

As long as I don't get the Noddy car.

PAUL: I've written a shopping list - lava lamp... THOMAS: Yeah?

PAUL: ..some sort of 1970s Japanese television... ..Action Men figures.

THOMAS: Action Men figures!

Oh.

Action Men figures.

THOMAS: Will you get a Barbie and make them make babies?

VO: I think you can do better than that with £400, frankly.

However, silly experts are not our celebrities' biggest problem this morning.

She's a fantastic back seat driver Front seat driver!

VO: Looks like Penelope needs a pit-stop!

We're actually not that far away, so, um... Shanks' pony?

Let's do it.

VO: Apologies for the wounded motor - just a blip in a soon to be perfect day... we hope.

PAUL: Ta-dah!

NEIL: Ah, here we go.

PENNY: Ah.

PAUL: How are you doing?

NEIL: How are you?

NEIL: Hi.

PAUL: Good, good.

We don't have a car.

We had a little bit of car trouble.

What do you guys wanna do?

Prices.

What do you like talking about?

Cuz you... you bored me a bit about military history on the way up.

Military history.

Oh!

There you are.

That's a... PENNY: Is it a..?

THOMAS: ..a match made in Heaven.

PENNY: Right.

THOMAS: They will be spooning.

PENNY: Really.

It's going to be unpleasant, is it?

It's going to be nasty.

Right.

That I didn't know about.

Read the small print.

I need to just call my agent.

VO: Too late, Neil.

We gotcha.

Now, let's see where we'll send ya.

Hereford is the first port of call before our before our new teams cross into Shropshire and head for a decisive auction in Newport.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves, and there's still that slight transport issue as usual.

There go two losers.

NEIL: Yeah, that's great.

That's great that they're losers but they've got a car and we haven't.

PENNY: I'm hoping to just get antiques... antiques that I like.

Is that the name of the game?

THOMAS: Well, yes and no.

They do have to kind of make a profit.

NEIL: Let's just try and find the heart of Hereford Before the losers, yeah?

PENNY: Mind the bump.

THOMAS: Yeah, I know, I saw it too late.

THOMAS: Far too late.

VO: Penny and Thomas have made it to the towering Hereford Antiques center.

Standing by to defend the cash register is the marvelous Matthew.

Hi Matthew.

PENNY: Let me just have a quite look round here.

I'm quite fast, I'm a quick shopper.

THOMAS: Are you?

Yeah, very fast shopper.

If it doesn't take my eye then it's not getting bought.

(CLEAR RINGING SOUNDS) Nice.

PENNY: Ok, well, I like this one and I like the fact that there's another one there.

THOMAS: You like it cuz it's restrained and it's neat and it's tidy.

PENNY: I do and I think it's just... it's clean, lovely colors.

You can't go wrong with blue and white.

THOMAS: You can't go wrong with blue and white.

PENNY: I quite like that.

THOMAS: It's a story, isn't it?

THOMAS: Cupid.

There's flames.

Nah, actually, hang on...

Hang on?

What, have you noticed something?

THOMAS: Star hairline crack.

PENNY: Oh no.

THOMAS: Just there, look.

PENNY: Is there any point in just getting one?

THOMAS: Not really, no.

You want the two.

Things always look better in pairs.

PENNY: Now, what did you see?

THOMAS: Actually, the big brass vase, that's quite me.

That looks a bit like a kind of milk churn.

We... OK, this is probably going to be German, and it's art nouveau... Oh, it's art nouveau style.

Can we just turn it over?

It's a bit... isn't it a bit "wooft" or whatever your word is?

THOMAS: Whacked.

Isn't it a bit whacked?

Metal can be whacked, it's fine.

PENNY: Metal is allowed to be whacked?

Yeah, it's allowed to be whacked.

PENNY: But you can't have anything else?

No China.

You can have silver and metal whacked.

Have a look at this.

What is it?

Well, it was plated.

THOMAS: Big art nouveau bowl.

Put your fruit in it.

PENNY: Oh right.

THOMAS: But it's 1890s, it's brass.

It was copper, it was silver plated.

PENNY: And the silver plate's all come off.

The silver plate's been polished off... PENNY: Does it matter?

Not really, no.

You can get it re-plated if you so wish.

THOMAS: The feet are...

I kind of almost want it upside down.

THOMAS: ..delightful.

I just want you to wear it.

Like a... Like a Viking helmet.

Oh now, you see that... You see now, now, it comes alive.

Now... it does.

Does it?

And I tell you what, it goes with your eyes.

Does it, yeah?

It's a much more attractive piece.

PENNY: Are you... oh, oh... that was a bit close.

Oh, mother, I think I might be having your child.

Is that ok?

That's fine.

VO: Blimey, this working relationship is going very well, isn't it?

They've only just met.

Now, I love the color of this.

Uranium has been put in that to make it that color.

PENNY: What is uranium?

Well, it's the thing which makes... powers nuclear power stations.

It's been...

So are they radioactive?

THOMAS: If you put a Geiger counter to them they'd go a little bit higher than your average person.

Really?

That's quite exciting, isn't it?

It's quite nice being a pair.

(WHISPERS) It's quite exciting.

VO: Uranium is famous as a source of fuel in the creation of nuclear power, but it's been since Roman times as a yellow colorant for glass and ceramics.

VO: These vases should not be too radioactive.

However, for antiques shopping, they do say that two heads are better than one.

THOMAS: Victorian molded uranium vases - glasses.

PENNY: Glasses, vases.

THOMAS: £28.

PENNY: I tell you what, I will get them for a lot less than that.

Yeah, alright.

Is that worth having?

Not really, but...

I quite like them.

And are they buffed, chaffed, whatever you call it?

PENNY: Whiffed?

THOMAS: Whacked.

Whacked.

Does it matter that this one's got...

I've just noticed it's just woofed or whicked.

THOMAS: Whacked.

PENNY: Splicked.

THOMAS: Woofed.

It's got a chip.

PENNY: I know, chips for lunch.

Hungry.

VO: I'm afraid it'll have to be a working lunch, Penelope.

The suave, business savvy Matthew is just waiting to hold his line on a deal.

PENNY: Best, best price.

MATTHEW: 60.

THOMAS: Oh.

60.

No, so that's not gonna happen, right so we'll leave that.

What are you thinking is best price?

Well... less than that.

MATTHEW: The very best would be 50.

PENNY: 50.

It's got the look.

VO: It's got the something alright.

So, can Matthew stoically hold to £38 on the uranium glass vases?

PENNY: So, what's the best price for that?

MATTHEW: 25.

PENNY: What, even though they've been whacked?

Even though they've been whacked?

One's got a chip on the base.

MATTHEW: Has it?

PENNY: One's got a chip with no mayonnaise on it.

VO: I can hear your tummy rumble, Penny.

Try to work through it though, dear.

20.

This one here.

20.

20's your best price on that one.

MATTHEW: That's 70 quid.

THOMAS: I'd like to do a deal at 50 for the two.

MATTHEW: 65... THOMAS: No.

MATTHEW: Plus, you're going to sign my book.

Halfway, 55.

Oh, I like that.

MATTHEW: Oh, God.

65.

Look at him, he's virtually screwing that chair onto the floor.

You, you can have...

I know my mother when she sees this will be just... PENNY: She'll say... VO: Well, if it's not one thing, it's your mother.

That's life, Matthew.

It's hard enough in this world.

You should've treaded the boards.

PENNY: I tell you what, why don't we go 57?

No, 55.

Yeah, 57.

No, OK, we're willing to go for 57.

Look, don't roll your eyes at me.

57.

Ok?

MATTHEW: 60.

Look, he wanted 55, I'm going to 57.

Otherwise he'll be really annoyed with me and I've got to spend three days with him.

PENNY: It's going to be awful.

57, a signature and you're done.

Cheers.

VO: Well done, Penny.

Two great purchases safely under your belt.

VO: So, car or no car, our chaps need to make some antique investments this morning.

NEIL: Ok, let's go do some work.

VO: Matthew's on a double shift and bracing himself for a second celebrity onslaught.

VO: Let's hope he can make mother proud.

NEIL: I'm slightly daunted.

NEIL: I've already noticed quite a few pairs of these dogs.

PAUL: Hailing from Scotland, I'll call those "wally dugs".

NEIL: Right.

PAUL: They are, can I say, the working man's hearth ornaments.

NEIL: Mmm.

PAUL: They are ubiquitous.

VO: If Neil wants to make some serious money, he'll need to look harder for shrewd investments.

Right.

So, this place is eh... it's very big.

There's another pair of those dogs up there.

And there's some more there, look.

I think they're screaming "don't buy me, don't buy me, because we're so common."

VO: Well, focus on something you do like the look of - common or not.

I just cannot help but think that in these cases there is something of value.

There's a pair there.

PAUL: Wemyss, a pair of waisted, it describes the form of vases, a big, that's a big cabbage rose you've got there.

PAUL: I do like the fact they're a pair and I also like the fact that they've got a brand that's immediately recognizable.

Yeah.

PAUL: Wemyss ware, highly collectable.

PAUL: Let me see if I can... we'll get one for you.

NEIL: Yep.

PAUL: One for me, and we're looking at the condition.

VO: Wemyss Ware hails from the kingdom of Fife in Scotland.

This highly collectable cabbage rose pattern designed by gifted bohemian painter Carol Nicola.

The pair are priced at £165.

PAUL: Another thing I spotted in here, just while we've got the door open - cocktail shaker.

NEIL: Yeah.

PAUL: OK, these are decadent things.

NEIL: My eye always goes on cocktail shakers cuz I used to be a cocktail barman.

PAUL: Really?

NEIL: Yeah.

VO: So, you found something you like that could possibly make some money.

And I still love to make cocktails all the time and I trained under the great Dick Bradsaw.

The great Dick Bradsaw?

The great Dick Bradsaw.

Who was he?

Exactly.

He's one of the world's most famous mixologists.

PAUL: Seriously, is he?

Get in.

PAUL: Mixology, that's that thing that Tom Cruise is into.

That's Scientology, you prat!

NEIL: I don't think we should be talking about that.

VO: Indeed, although Tom Cruise once made a film all about cocktails.

I forget the name of it.

I must've been drunk.

Anyway, this suave Asprey's cocktail shaker is currently priced at £95, so it's time for Matthew to call the dealer.

Go for it, Matt.

PAUL: (WHISPERS) What do you wanna pay?

80 to 100.

Oh, right, sorry.

Who am I talking to?

Richard.

Hi, how are you doing?

Um, I...

I...

I'm Paul, um, and I'm on a mission to spend some money today but I'm as miserable as sin.

VO: Not miserable... just tight!

Hang on, hang on a minute.

(WHISPERS) Could we buy the two?

How would you feel about if we tried to buy the... buy the two?

If we bought the two, what could they be?

So I'm wanting to pay 120 the pair - what are you saying?

PAUL: You've gone down to 135?

Look, don't say "that's it".

Gi... gimme it on a round number.

130, and we nail it.

PAUL: You've got a deal, my man!

MATTHEW: I do apologize, Richard.

PAUL: (LAUGHS) So at 120 for cash, yeah?

(LAUGHTER) VO: Looks like Paul's influence is rubbing off.

I'm too...

I could murder a cocktail, mind you, at this juncture.

Ah..!

Come on, let's do it!

VO: Bit early isn't it?

Cheers.

Thank you.

VO: Meanwhile, Penny and Thomas are hard at it, and pressing on.

THOMAS: Tell me, what was your first job?

PENNY: Plucking turkeys, ready for Christmas.

THOMAS: Was it?

Was this... is this in Rutland?

PENNY: That was my first - in Rutland, yes.

THOMAS: In Rutland.

PENNY: And then a man phoned me and said "Would you like to come to a new show... thing that we're starting called Sky News?

PENNY: So I went to Sky News and I became the first face on Sky News.

VO: Penny Smith is certainly a girl on the move... VO: ..and this road trip is moving at last, making its way safely and soberly, 14 miles due north, to a place they call Leominster.

PENNY: My dad's an engineer and my mum was the worst hairdresser in the world.

She used to cut our hair so badly that we looked like a collection of steak and kidney puddings!

THOMAS: (LAUGHS) VO: Mothers!

Honestly!

In 1887, John Bartholomew's "Gazetteer of the British Isles" described Leominster as: "Situated in a fertile valley, its commerce is maintained chiefly by hops and cider".

VO: Fortunately, both Penny and Thomas are responsible, designated drivers, come rain or shine!

PENNY: Are we dying?

THOMAS: We're dying.

PENNY: Oh, no!

THOMAS: We're dying... on... PENNY: Quick!

THOMAS: Oh, no!

PENNY: Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

PENNY: Oh no...

I'm getting out.

VO: Oh dear - our vintage cars are not faring well today.

At least the mechanics of Hereford will be kept busy.

THOMAS: Poor car!

I do feel very sorry for it.

PENNY: Are we going down Cordwainers Lane?

THOMAS: Oh, God - it smells of wee-wee.

PENNY: Oh no!

That's you boys!

PENNY: That's boys and their inability to stop weeing in places!

VO: Honestly!

You boys!

Still, at last we reach the Leominster antiques market, an enticing up 'n' downy cavern of potential treasures!

So we're gonna have a good look.

PENNY: Yeah, you and your whips.

Put your whip down.

My whips.

Ah-ha-ha!

So nice.

I'll repay the favor.

Give me some... Yeah, action!

It's nice.

Oh!

It is a massage.

Oh!

THOMAS: They're not quite ready for it yet!

PENNY: (GASPS) It's OK!

Nothing to see here!

(BELL RINGS) PENNY: Did you see these lovely... THOMAS: Yeah.

PENNY: ..brass things here?

See that's we used to spend Sundays doing sometimes, wet Sundays.

Mum used to get all the brass out and the copper... THOMAS: Get you to polish it?

PENNY: ..and we all sit there, polishing away.

VO: And last to finish got a Mrs Smith haircut, no doubt.

THOMAS: What have they got here?

I love these agricultural things.

PENNY: What is it?

THOMAS: I don't know.

It... PENNY: Well, isn't it a thing that you probably put things on and pulled along behind a cow?

What a lovely bit of wood.

It's a beautiful piece of wood.

VO: It is a delightful shaped piece of sycamore - a four-pronged oxen yoke, possibly 19th century and definitely with an asking price of £85.

You could mount that on a... on a wall.

Or you could mount it on a wall the other way, like that... Yeah, and hang c... ..and have it for coats!

VO: Good idea!

Just occasionally, negotiations must occur behind closed doors, but apparently Penny and Thomas got a fairly reasonable deal, at £50.

VO: Gosh, they're working hard today!

VO: Back in Hereford, dedicated Neil is leading Paul to... look out!

MARGARET: Good morning.

Welcome to the Cider Museum.

I'm Margaret Thompson, museum director.

Good morning.

Neil.

VO: Well, we're here now!

Hereford's fascinating Cider Museum is a living, breathing, drinking recreation of a cottage industry grown into mass production.

VO: Britain has been a highly-organized cider producer since the Middle Ages.

Apple pressing and fermenting is an art, and with the right equipment, can be achieved in vast quantities.

VO: The museum has steadfastly acquired some amazing artefacts, like this huge 300 year old apple press from Normandy.

NEIL: That's a trunk of a tree!

That's astonishing!

I'm...

I've never seen anything like this.

MARGARET: In France, they would make the cheese, using straw, whereas in Herefordshire we would make a cheese using hairs.

NEIL: That's quite interesting, because you're using the word "cheese"... ..in relation to cider!

MARGARET: Absolutely.

Can you explain that?

MARGARET: You know, when making cider in Hereford, we would take a cloth and the crushed apple would be put into the middle of the cloth... NEIL: Yeah?

MARGARET: ..they would be stacked on the press, eight to 14 high.

MARGARET: When it's on the press and built, it's called a "cheese".

Ah, OK. Of course.

But then, cheese and cider goes extremely well anyway!

VO: Certainly does!

This incredible machine represents the beginning of the industrial production but cider making has had its peaks and troughs.

VO: Mediaeval orchards declined during the Black Death and the War of the Roses, until Henry ordered new apple trees to be imported from Europe.

VO: The cider cottage industry boomed, well into the Industrial Revolution.

MARGARET: This type of equipment, the portable scrutter, was introduced about 1850.

We probably don't appreciate the efforts that the traveling cider maker went to.

This equipment is so heavy.

NEIL: Yeah.

MARGARET: There's no power steering on this.

NEIL: We are, in this country, fascinated by that, but you know, that's still happening all over villages in Italy and Spain and France, where they gr... bring their grapes from their... um... from their grape vines and they have a village wine that's produced in one place.

VO: Neil certainly knows his stuff, especially when it's about booze.

Fortunately, small artisan production never really died out.

In fact, we've seen a cider-making resurgence throughout Britain, fueled by nostalgia and a seemingly unquenchable thirst.

NEIL: So today the process is much bigger, but has gone back to its kind of greener, more organic roots, has it?

PAUL: The answer... MARGARET: Many of the craft cider makers grow and, you know, use the local fruit.

Some of the commercial cider makers obviously on times, you know, probably have to import some apple concentrate.

NEIL: Mm.

Still makes good drink though.

PAUL: Speaking of which... That leads me on nicely - I don't know about you...

I...

I...

The back of my throat is so dry!

VO: Sorry, Margaret!

I'm sure our cheeky chaps are just practicing their negotiating skills.

It's all about lubrication.

It is such a shame you're driving, it really is!

NEIL & MARGARET: Cheers!

I'm gonna get my jacket!

VO: Sorry about this.

Really not good road trip behavior, frankly!

NEIL: (DRUNKENLY) Hu... Paul!

(LAUGHS) VO: Tut-tut!

PAUL: No sympathy!

No sympathy - you've brought it on yourself!

VO: Aye, though not without incident, it's been a great first day.

The shops close, the sun sets across the county and only shoe leather can deliver our lads and lass to their lodgings.

But whilst most road trippers are in bed, Neil is road-testing his new favorite antique!

And this time, Paul is not the designated driver!

VO: Oh, look at that!

Bottoms up, old chap!

VO: Now, drink responsibly, lads.

Night night.

VO: Morning!

With clear heads - well, more or less - our celebrities face the first issue of the day.

Right, so, em, what's the car situation?

We're now... Well, we blew ours up.

We're now two cars down...

Exactly!

..so we're without car... um...

I know but apparently something else is coming.

Right, OK. VO: Something's coming alright - it's blue, it's from 1960 and... it works!

PAUL: Thomas, is it me or has this car got bigger and changed color?

THOMAS: The Noddy car, I'm afraid, I have to say, is dead.

PAUL: That cute, loveable, adorable, affectionate... THOMAS: Don't rub it in.

PAUL: ..would never... You killed the car.

VO: So far, Penny and Thomas have launched into proceedings, spending a sober £107 on three items - the art nouveau brass fruit bowl; the uranium glass vases; and the sycamore yoke.

They face another day with £293 left to spend.

Ah, sorry.

I'm on my knees now.

Are you alright on your knees?

You've got me on my knees, "beggin' me please".

VO: Oh, dear.

Neil and Paul, meanwhile, kind of eased into the day, eventually spending a well- lubricated £130 on two items - the cabbage rose Wemyss vases and the Asprey cocktail shaker.

VO: The wayward barflies have £270 to help them beat Penny and Tom.

Look, there's another pair of the dogs!

VO: Now let's resolve the burning issue.

NEIL: We've got a car?

PAUL: We have.

Have we?

No... Well, what about us?

PAUL: Behold!

PENNY: Do we not have a car?

We do not have a car.

Well, you had it yesterday.

Look, you've got the Morris.

PENNY: Bye!

THOMAS: Bye bye!

PENNY: Have a good one!

VO: Before today's road trip can move on, our teams have unfinished business in Leominster.

VO: So let's hope Neil and Paul can stay off the sauce, eh?

NEIL: Looks like we have rolled into town, dude!

VO: "Roll" being the operative word.

Leominster House Antique Center has five floors of wonders.

The lights are on and Nigel's home.

Hi, Nige!

NEIL: So it's down... down to... PAUL: "More this way".

NEIL: OK. VO: But can Neil find the investment he's seeking?

NEIL: Come on, Paul, we've only got 16 more floors to go.

Nn..not junk.

Neil.

Yep?

PAUL: I found something.

PAUL: That's a period spinning wheel.

NEIL: Right.

By "period" I mean 19th century.

NEIL: For me, I think it's quite interesting, because it's m... you know, mechanical, made of wood, and there's clearly some craftsmanship gone in...into this.

I don't like it but I need to know if it's gonna make money.

Yeah.

Truth of the matter is... well, once you used to be able to get a couple of hundred pounds for good ones at auction.

Now... 50 to 80 tends to be the mark.

But, look at the price tag.

We're in the right region.

VO: £55 is the right ballpark, and this delightful 19th century machine works, spinning fine yarn from the rawest of wool.

PAUL: I'd like to buy that for £30, 35, to be able to sleep easy, that we're going to make a little.

What do you think?

I dunno what to think.

I just don't know what to think.

Have we got time to think or do we just have to grab?

PAUL: You have - that's not gonna be sold.

VO: Good question.

As the shopping moments evaporate, I'd say it could be time to find Nigel and have a good grab.

NEIL: We have something we wanna talk to you about.

Right.

NEIL: We have a spinning wheel in the top room... NIGEL: OK. PAUL: Spinning wheel is up there because it's never gonna sell, isn't it?

It's sitting at 55.

I see its merit but I see its... detractives.

NIGEL: Yep.

VO: Nigel needs to check his books and Neil needs to decide if he really, really, really wants to take the plunge.

NIGEL: It's suddenly come to my mind that happens to be mine, so the best I could do on that... PAUL: Yeah?

NIGEL: ..is 45.

40, cash, we'll take it.

NIGEL: You can manage the £5.

NIGEL: No, 45, cash.

I'm sticking there.

VO: Poor Neil - it's not an easy decision, especially with a sore head!

You need shades.

I say we move on.

I...

I got to be honest with you, NEIL: I don't like it, but I understand its beauty.

Paul, I feel terrible.

I feel terrible.

Look... h... how big a ri... cuz we're gonna walk away from that.

NEIL: How big a risk is £45 on that?

We're back - we are back.

(LAUGHTER) We're gonna do it.

We're taking up on... on the wheel.

NIGEL: OK!

NEIL: You're a hard man.

PAUL: (LAUGHS) NEIL: You're a hard man.

NIGEL: Thank you.

NIGEL: Thanks for your custom.

Great.

PAUL: Thanks for that.

PAUL: Wish us luck.

NIGEL: Absolutely!

All the best.

£5 change, please!

Yes, it's coming now!

VO: Keep your hair on, Neil.

You've got a wonderful new purchase to feel great about.

Well?

I've bought a spinning wheel!

Like an old granny's spinning wheel!

VO: Oh, dear.

And as Leominster House Antiques Center sighs with relief... PENNY: Hello!

VO: Penny and Thomas arrive on foot, ready for their rummage, now under the watchful eye of (FRENCH ACCENT) Jeremy in his beret.

VO: He looks a bit French to me.

THOMAS: Here we are.

You want the Sooty xylophone.

That's the only thing you want.

PENNY: Hey, look - hold on a second.

What's this?

Naked Sooty.

Yeah.

VO: Ah, well - the old ones are the best ones!

So let's find some good old objects.

THOMAS: What an unusual thing!

PENNY: What would you use..?

For the garden.

Lead?

THOMAS: Yeah, you could do.

It would kill the plants.

Look at this, this is a mortar - 16th... a 17th century mortar.

PENNY: Now that is exciting.

How much is that?

THOMAS: Um... 65.

That is amazing.

PENNY: Do you want the lead or the pestle?

THOMAS: If I hold the two up...

I'm just doing my exercise here.

PENNY: Um... No rush!

Bit higher!

No rush!

PENNY: Could you hold them higher?

N... Argh!

I dunno, I...

I think I prefer the lead one.

THOMAS: Really?

To be honest with you, Penny, it's fun, but a mediaeval one's got more going for it.

OK. Come on, just take it, cuz otherwise we'll never get fed.

VO: Still thinking about chips, eh, Penny?

Mm... chips!

THOMAS: Deco bowl.

D'you like a deco bowl?

I do like a deco bowl.

PENNY: That art deco pressed glass vase, £36, and it's got... d'you know, it's got the thing in the middle.

It's got the little stand.

It's sweet.

It is lovely.

That's a very decorative thing.

THOMAS: I also like the touring game.

PENNY: "Rare 1930s touring game.

£26."

THOMAS: It's like our little Noddy car, isn't it?

PENNY: Oh, look, it is!

THOMAS: Like our little car.

PENNY: You almost want to get it just because it's like our little Noddy car that you've... um... blown up.

THOMAS: No, no!

It just... PENNY: And look, it's "exciting, interesting and educative".

I'm liking this cupboard.

THOMAS: It's got nice taste.

JEREMY: Yeah, I like that.

THOMAS: What's on the base?

22.

THOMAS: Beautiful shape.

PENNY: Lovely.

THOMAS: Bit of pewt... bit of nice-looking pewter.

PENNY: OK, are we done?

PENNY: Let's take that down.

THOMAS: That... Yeah, good choice.

THOMAS: ..is gorgeous.

JEREMY: Yeah.

PENNY: I'm good, aren't I?!

You've got a really nice eye!

JEREMY: Very good.

PENNY: I'm good on pots and... VO: And so modest!

Penny and Thomas have gathered a host of potential, all before lunchtime.

Ooh, chips!

VO: But they got the art nouveau pewter vase for £22; the art deco vase for £36; the mediaeval mortar for £65; and the Road Trip game for £26.

Lovely!

JEREMY: Well, I can do this for 20 - that gives you a really good sporting chance.

THOMAS: What... what can you do that one for?

Very best at 30.

JEREMY: Unless I get a kiss, then you might get it for 28!

PENNY: I don't care!

I sold my kisses.

I've...

I sold my kiss for... JEREMY: I was talking to Thomas!

THOMAS: No!

I sold mine once for chips and curry sauce!

No!

VO: Enough with the chips, already!

VO: What's it gonna be?

Jeremy's offers come to £120... plus a kiss.

JEREMY: Shall we make that 121?

PENNY: 121.

THOMAS: 121.

Oh, 120 - to make it nice and round, cuz that really is it... that's... Did...

I think... Did I get the kiss?

Yes, you do.

Tom, give him a kiss.

THOMAS: 120.

PENNY: And then...

Thank you, Jeremy.

Mwah!

Mwah!

I feel like I'm in France!

Yeah!

VO: France.

Beret.

French fries... Oo-ooh, French fries!

VO: That's a bumper bag of potential profit makers for Penny, so it's lucky that Neil is taking his shopping so seriously.

NEIL: Now, I just wanted to mention the budget to you.

You know you gave me the money yesterday... Well... you know, cuz when you lot went to bed last night...

..I dunno... NEIL: I mean, I'm sure we can get to a cashpoint and stuff.

VO: He's joking, of course... isn't he?

Petrol money or not, the road trip moves on.

Leominster becomes the past, as we head 30 miles north, into the future, into Shropshire and onto Bridgnorth.

VO: But Paul wants to journey into Neil's past, especially his favorite TV sitcom.

PAUL: "Game On".

NEIL: Ah.

That was a big deal for me, man!

NEIL: It... it's so lovely that people hold... that people cherish that.

NEIL: People have got such fond memories of it, something I did 16 years ago.

Obviously now people are talking about "Silk", you know... PAUL: Yeah.

NEIL: ..but there was quite a bit of work in between... ..but no one ever talks about that!

VO: Bridgnorth prospered greatly from many a King Henry.

Henry I granted privileges to the town's burgesses; Henry II extended these privileges; Henry III granted liberties to the guild merchants; and Henry VI gave regulations for local trade in bread and ale.

VO: He came after the Agincourt Henry and before the fat one with all those wives.

NEIL: I bow to your experience and your knowledge... um... and, eh, you know, frankly feel utterly inadequate next to it, but thank God you're here!

VO: Aw!

VO: Now, Micawber Antiques presents a world of opportunity, with Nick standing by.

Hi, Nick.

VO: But what kind of object could possibly catch Neil's eye?

These are amazing, aren't they?

Cor, they're so heavy!

It's unbelievable.

PAUL: Do you li..?

Do you l..?

Are you drawn to those?

Absolutely beautiful, yeah.

Totally and utterly.

With, of course, your interest in wine.

PAUL: I tell you what - we should be a double act here, because we're wasting our time talking about these if there is much damage at all, and I've got fretting on that edge of that stopper already.

PAUL: If they are to adorn a table, they really do need to be fine.

PAUL: Are you interested, warts and all?

Well, we've just walked in the door, so... at least we know they're there, and that's a great beginning.

OK.

But, em, obviously I've spotted something... NEIL: There they are!

VO: D'you fell like you're being followed, then, Neil?

Paranoia?

They might be fans!

PAUL: (SINGS SHOWER SCENE MUSIC FROM "PSYCHO") NEIL: Well, I have to say, the two decanters so far.

PAUL: You... still doing it for you?

NEIL: Yeah.

Ah, but we're not gonna make much money on them.

Even if he does a good deal, we need to... PAUL: We do... ..we need to make something that's gonna make us loads of money!

VO: Don't stress, Neil.

Just try your best.

Or let Paul knock them down from £45!

Can I be... really brutal?

NICK: Yes.

Because I'm an auctioneer.

But as a trade buyer... 20 quid.

PAUL: Can ye help?

Have you got much invested in them?

Eh... 25, I'd just about get out on them.

NICK: 25.

Thank you.

I really... respect that.

PAUL: Before, so we know where we're at.

PAUL: What d'you make of the pewter there?

NEIL: OK, this is, I'm guessing, deco, is it?

It's a "Vertim-bergen-zaysimfosam... " PAUL: "..Metallwarenfabrik"?

Yeah, exactly.

That's what I said.

VO: Neil is trying to say W rttembergische Metallwarenfabrik - but we can just say WMF, luckily - German art nouveau from the early 20th century, with a £90 ticket.

Auf wiedersehen, pet!

What is the death on the WMF?

So I know where we're...

It would have to be 35, on the basket, yes.

NEIL: So... PAUL: Which do you prefer?

I think we should, eh... ask what you'd do for both of them.

The decanters are 25... NICK: 25.

..and the... Vorsprung durch Technik... ..is... was... PAUL: Was that 35?

NEIL: ..35... Can we get rid of those fives?

I might get rid of one of them.

NEIL: Oh, please!

PAUL: Can we dig our heel..?

PAUL: Would you?

Can we dig our... For a fiver?

NICK: G'on, then!

NEIL: (GASPS) NEIL: Man!

Thank you very much!

PAUL: Thanks, Nick!

NICK: You're welcome.

PAUL: Good man.

VO: Well done, boys - especially Neil.

He's really quite good when he brightens up, isn't he?!

VO: Both celebrities have made a great fist of this shopping adventure, and quietly impressed their attentive experts.

VO: So Penny is dragging poor Thomas to a teatime treat that's right up her street.

THOMAS: Smell!

PENNY: Roses.

THOMAS: It's so sort of other-worldly, isn't it?

THOMAS: I had no sense of smell for five years.

VO: Well, that explains everything, Thomas!

Now, in this part of the world - in a "secret location" - there's an amazing collection of fellow entertainers, some stringed and some hand-operated.

VO: This is the archive of the British Puppet and Model Theater Guild, lovingly curated by honorary archivist Michael Dixon.

He's real, by the way - no strings attached!

Watch.

Michael, how did you get to be involved in all of this?

How I got to be involved in it was I met Jim Henson when I was seven years old, cuz I was very interested in the Muppets, and I met him and interviewed him and Kermit on TV.

VO: The Muppets are probably the world's most famous puppets, created by hippie genius Jim Henson.

But many characters date back centuries, to the dawn of entertainment.

VO: 2012 is the 350th anniversary of Punch and Judy, probably the oldest known puppets in Britain.

This collection has built up over 10 years to around 3,000 puppets, half of which are Michael's own.

VO: These are the ancestors of today's entertainers.

VO: Early TV cameras were large and cumbersome, so puppet shows were ideal for test recordings.

And cheaper.

MICHAEL: When John Logie Baird was doing his experimental television at the end of the 1920s, early 30s, he asked the Guild to come and perform some models for television.

MICHAEL: Now Harry Whanslaw, one of the presidents of the Guild, made a puppet called Soko, and he was the first puppet ever made for television, and he was painted in these colors so he would show up.

Isn't she lovely?

He's... Slightly evil.

PENNY: Was he supposed to be slightly evil?

MICHAEL: I don't know, some people think all puppets are evil.

VO: Some people!

PENNY: I know that one.

MICHAEL: The Hogarth puppets who actually created Muffin the Mule, they were approached by the BBC to have a puppet created for... to go on the show with Annette Mills while she was on the piano but as he got more and more famous lots of people wanted to see him and they had to take him out more but of course the puppet was quite small.

MICHAEL: Fred Tickner was the man who created and carved the puppet so Fred Tickner made an actual reproduction of Muffin but in a much larger scale, which is this one.

PENNY: He's got a friendly face hasn't he?

I like Muffin, he's sweet.

PENNY: He is sweet.

Look at him with his little pink lips.

THOMAS: He is sweet.

VO: Technological advancements changed the way puppets entertained us, and also changed the audience.

PENNY: Ah, Muppets... are they... they're marionettes aren't they?

MICHAEL: No, no, they're hand in the mouth.

PENNY: Oh they're... of course they are, hand in the mouth.

With either a glove or a rod and a hand like that.

So the Muppet Show was filmed in Britain but a lot of the UK puppeteers after the Muppet Show went on to work on Spitting Image, which is one of our most famous puppet shows.

VO: Spitting Image was certainly not for children.

Hilarious, foul-mouthed, heavy satire, created by little-known sculptors Peter Fluck and Roger Law in the 1980s.

VO: Its unwitting targets were usually the so-called great and good, especially Margaret Thatcher.

PENNY: What they would do when they were in a restaurant, she said, (IMITATES MAGARET THATCHER) "I'll have the meat raw."

And she said "What about the vegetables?"

"They'll have the same!"

MICHAEL: That's right, that's right, wasn't it?

The Cabinet.

PENNY: The Cabinet were around her yes.

VO: Penny remembers all the voices, but has she got the moves?

PENNY: Oh, there we go.

(HUMS "THE LONELY GOATHERD") THOMAS: I'm imagining am I really Von Trapp myself, you know, Captain Von Trapp.

As grumpy!

But really kind hearted.

He's playing that.

That's very good, look at that!

Yes.

PENNY: There we are.

Bowing.

Time for us to go!

Bye!

THOMAS: Bye bye, Mr Puppet.

VO: (HIGH PITCHED) Bye bye Michael!

Bye bye Muffin!

VO: Bye bye everybody!

Now the shopping's done, it's time to put on make up, it's time to light the lights and review what they bought.

PAUL: Brace yourself.

We doing this?

Double act?

Do we go over here?

You can go over, we can go over, we can go over.

NEIL: Something of interest.

PAUL: Asprey, Asprey!

PENNY: How did you do that?!

So what did you buy it with?

NEIL: We got the pair... THOMAS: Of Wemyss.

NEIL: Yeah.

THOMAS: Yes, the Wemyssey-Wemysseys.

NEIL: ..and that for 130.

THOMAS: 130 for the two.

NEIL: Yep.

It's got a hairline crack in there though, hasn't it?

How very dare you.

NEIL: May I introduce you to our star... star.

PENNY: Your star star?

THOMAS: Your spinning... NEIL: And please look at the craftsmanship.

THOMAS: It is lovely.

PENNY: It's beautiful.

Look at those lovely little turns there.

PENNY: Nice.

NEIL: We paid what for it?

THOMAS: Uh... 125.

PENNY: 40 quid.

45.

VO: Nice work chaps.

Now, what do Penny and Thomas have underneath their black shroud?

PAUL: Thomas, is that a Kenrick mortar?

Or earlier, you think that's early.

I think that's early, yeah.

You think that's their 17th century.

PENNY: Ooh, look at him, he's going "no, it's not."

A stretch.

THOMAS: I like the ribbing to it.

NEIL: It looks like it's been in the sea for about 200 years.

PAUL: A bit of pressed glass and some uranium?

Yeah, uranium!

Behave yourself!

VO: Oh behave!

PENNY: Those actually, if you put a Geiger counter near them, they apparently tick-tock - yeah, exactly, because they're made out of uranium, obviously.

Right Tom, this is your buy, what's going on here?

This is very us.

PAUL: Oh, I love that.

THOMAS: The little Noddy car, touring England.

THOMAS: I'll have to do this to show you.

THOMAS: There it is.

PAUL: Love that Tom.

THOMAS: It's great, isn't it?

The little touring thing.

PAUL: It's cool, isn't it?

NEIL: Beautiful.

THOMAS: It's Kool and the Gang, isn't it?

NEIL: And what's inside that?

THOMAS: Oh, it'll be a game.

PAUL: Is it a Fiat?

Is there a Fiat inside there?

PAUL: Little red Fiat?

That is a riot.

THOMAS: It's fun, isn't it?

Great graphics.

PAUL: Love it.

Love it.

VO: More fun though when the cars don't break down all the time, so come along then, what do you really think?

Fancy a drink?

I feel pretty good.

I feel pretty confident actually.

NEIL: You know, we're in the hands of the auctioneer now, alright?

PAUL: And the market.

NEIL: And we're in the hands of the market.

NEIL: The punch bowl is beautiful, beautiful.

PAUL: For me, it's the yoke and the board game.

NEIL: Yeah.

Credibility.

Love them.

Hats off.

So who do you think's going to win?

I don't know.

It's tough, isn't it?

I really don't know.

If you could swap any of their items for ours, what would you have?

PENNY: I still think that cocktail shaker was a good one.

Is there anything they've got you'd swap for anything we've got?

NEIL: None whatsoever.

I'm going to be really, really vicious.

Our six foot: antiques fair.

Their six foot: car boot sale.

Wow.

Harsh.

VO: Ooh!

Come on girls, let's get on the road to auction.

Our lucky celebrities now have their own fully functioning MG Midget.

Even the windscreen wipers work... at the moment.

NEIL: Another car, another day, some more weather.

PENNY: We have been extraordinarily unlucky with the weather.

VO: So this two car road trip makes its merry way to the final destination, heading 21 miles due north from Bridgnorth to Shropshire's very own Newport.

NEIL: I still think that your mortar is thousands of years old.

NEIL: Thousands of years old.

PENNY: Oh, thousands of years old.

NEIL: And it's from Atlantis.

PENNY: When mammoths were... NEIL: A collector is gonna turn up and pay £30,000 for it.

PENNY: Indubitably.

VO: Medieval Newport built its fortune on trade in leather, wool and fish, but not a drop of cider, you'll be pleased to hear.

PAUL: Are you feeling lucky?

THOMAS: Am I feeling lucky, punk?

THOMAS: It's so close, Laidlaw.

PAUL: It's not.

PAUL: How very dare you.

THOMAS: It's so close.

THOMAS: It's so close.

PAUL: How very dare you.

VO: Awaiting our rainswept travelers is Brettells auctioneers.

Both celebrity swag bags have arrived safely and auctioneer David Brettell has peeked within to give his honest opinion.

DAVID: I like the spinning wheel.

It's clean and tidy.

I like the WMF, it's good quality, and the Asprey cocktail shaker.

Interesting thing, the oxen yoke.

It has got those little pieces that drop down.

DAVID: Not sure whether those aren't perhaps a later addition on display.

It's going to be finding the right customer for that one.

DAVID: Heavy mortar pot, that's an interesting thing, and it's hugely old, but it's got huge character.

DAVID: Neil and Paul, in my opinion, will walk it.

VO: That's lucky - they've been walking for the last two days!

VO: Our celebrity teams began with £400 apiece.

Neil and Paul spent a thoroughly healthy £225 on five auction lots, whilst Penny and Thomas went a modicum crazier, spending £227, also on five lots.

THOMAS: It's all we deal in.

PENNY: Is it really?

THOMAS: Yes, we need to get another.

VO: Brettells Auctioneers are ready to sell, but we seem to be missing something.

Where are they?

We start... Yeah, that's actually a good point.

For a 10 o'clock auction at 10 o'clock... And I go "ready, and...

now!"

VO: Disaster's struck again.

NEIL: These are the moments that I shall cherish.

VO: Neil and Penny are having - how can I put this - car trouble.

Do you reckon they've deserted?

On second thoughts after that reveal?

That's it, they've done a runner.

VO: It's awful, but the show must go on.

The auction waits for no man, or woman.

Seriously, he's going to start.

That's it starting!

Do you think it was something I said?

Yeah, it was something you said.

VO: First up, lonesome Paul is pinning Neil's hopes on the Wemyss vases.

They're Scottish.

DAVID: The pair of Wemyss vases.

Good luck with this.

This is it.

DAVID: £50 for the Wemyss.

30 bid, at £30 I have, at £30, 40.

You've started.

DAVID: 50, 60, sat down left.

£60 here, on my left at £60.

Keep going.

Way too cheap.

DAVID: At £60 bid, at £60.

Going to be sold then at £60 here on my left.

PAUL: No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, more.

DAVID: 70, 80, 90.

PAUL: Yep.

Yep, yep.

Now we're in.

DAVID: 100.

£100 bid.

£100 there through the gap.

Well done, well done, you're in profit.

DAVID: £100 by the door.

£100 I'm selling then.

Quickly round at 100.

VO: Neil missed it, but that's an excellent start to what could be a fine sale.

That's good.

But he missed it - our man missed it!

VO: Soldier on lads.

Thomas can keep the home fires burning with Penny's brass fruit bowl, selling with the pewter vase.

£20 bid, at 20.

20 bid, £20 bottom left.

That's a good start, it's off.

DAVID: £20, anybody going five?

At £20 bid, 25, 30.

Five.

40.

It's still going, it's still going.

£40, anybody else?

Quickly round.

DAVID: All done, sold away at 40.

VO: Oh dear, not so great for Team Smith.

Still, onwards and, erm, well... honestly now, where are they?

I don't think you did badly there to be honest.

No.

VO: Hopefully Neil's cocktail shaker can shake things up a bit in his absence.

Mine's a Harvey Wallbanger.

DAVID: £20 and off we go, 25, 30 sat down.

£30 bid, now £30, £30.

Five, 40.

40, five.

£40 bid, don't stop now.

At £40.

Need a bit more than that.

At £40 sat down, helping me, all done.

Going to be sold on my left.

Ouch!

Quickly round, the Asprey, £40, sold away at 40.

VO: Ooh!

Another loss.

Maybe it's best that Neil and Penny aren't here.

40.

We've gone backwards.

I'm in reverse.

I'm in reverse.

VO: Now, a chance to improve Penny's fortunes: the art deco vase, selling with the bright uranium vases.

Cross your fingers.

Where we gonna be, 20?

Tumbleweed!

DAVID: Five!

Big help, but it's a start!

£5 bid, at £5, £5 on my left, at £5, eight.

At £8.

Don't stop now.

Don't stop!

DAVID: Don't you dare stop now!

10, 12.

£12 sat here, £12, 15.

THOMAS: No way.

Eight - 15.

Have £15 in front of me now, anybody else having a go?

£15 right in front of me, will be sold, David, you are out.

No!

At 15, sold away at 15.

742... PAUL: Is that 15?

THOMAS: It's 15.

Done.

Call ourselves experts!

VO: Best not to answer that one, Paul.

Chin upwards and onwards, with Neil's beloved spinning wheel of fortune.

I can't believe he's going to miss the result.

DAVID: Spinning wheel, good size.

It is nice.

DAVID: There we are, put me in for that, where we going to be?

Who'll start the bid at... ?

What you gonna be, £50?

Got to be 50 for a start.

DAVID: Pretty thing, and it works.

Yeah.

It does work.

50?

40?

DAVID: £30 bid, £30, £30, here be gone at £30, £30 for a spinning wheel.

Five.

40.

Five.

50.

Five.

55 down there through the gap.

PAUL: OK, it's washing its face.

Washing its face.

DAVID: 55, anybody else?

£55.

55.

It's washed its face.

OK. VO: Oh dear - a profit, but not a great big one for Neil's star buy.

VO: Oh, hello - look out.

Nice of you to join us.

Oh here they come.

I can see the green car.

Shall I go and get them now?

I'm getting in.

NEIL: Lovely.

VO: No rush then Neil, you just stroll mate.

Oh man, man, man, man, man.

It's not been good news.

DAVID: £75, it's going to be sold this time... Two of our lots?

Our lots, three of theirs.

VO: Well, let's not dwell on it then.

At least Penny can witness her oxen yoke selling - possibly making a profit.

DAVID: Who'll start the bid at £50?

At the back, 50.

The Wemyss, what did they get?

DAVID: 40.

PAUL: 100.

DAVID: It's all very quiet.

THOMAS: It's like tumbleweeds.

DAVID: Any interest?

£30, kick me off.

You're buying history.

To hang coats on.

Did he present it with... DAVID: 20 to start me.

Thank you Georgina, £20 bid, £20, Georgina at the very back.

£20 bid, £20.

We'd better go five, 30, five, 40, £40 bid, Georgina at the very back.

DAVID: At £40 bid, at £40 I'm pointing, I'm selling.

Is this your yoke?

DAVID: At £40, nobody else.

VO: The losses keep coming for Penny and Thomas.

PENNY: Another loss.

The yoke is on you!

VO: That'll lift our spirits... Now, can Neil's Victorian decanters keep us buoyant?

DAVID: £20, off we go.

£20 for the pair.

20 bid, £20 bid, £20 sat down.

At £20 bid, 25, 30, five, 35 bid, 35, nice pair of Victorian decanters.

One more.

One more.

One more.

DAVID: 35 here in front of me now.

40.

£35, 40, £40 top right, £40 by the pillar.

Very good.

£40, look what I'm doing here.

£40, nobody else left of me.

NEIL: Come on!

£40 on, £40 right down the bottom of the saleroom, sold away at 40.

VO: Rather nice to see a small profit, ain't it?

Doubled your money, man.

THOMAS: Well done.

That's alright.

Take that.

VO: Now, Penny and Thomas really need to up their game.

DAVID: Clean and tidy, good condition.

There we are, put me in for that.

Who'll start me there?

25 or 30?

Go on!

DAVID: 10 for you Simon.

DAVID: £10, I'm bid at 10, I'm bid at £10, Simon's bid.

DAVID: 15.

20.

£20, £20 bid.

Bit more.

£20, fiver anywhere?

At £20, quickly round at 20.

Is that the first one we haven't lost on?

VO: Even the road trip game can't save today's road trip auction.

VO: That'll be a loss after costs.

Paul is looking so smug, look at him.

He's going "yeah, yeah, no, well done, well done."

He's got no reason to look smug.

Yeah, there's no shame in that.

VO: So with no profits to Penny and Thomas's name, this auction is Neil and Paul's for the taking as their pewter basket awaits the bidders.

DAVID: £20, start me now, 20, thank you, £20, we're off.

25, can we go 30?

Here we go, 35, 40... DAVID: 35, 40, 50.

DAVID: £50 bid, £50 bid.

Come on, come on.

He's working.

DAVID: At £50, anybody else at £50?

£50, quickly round - anybody else in the room at 50?

VO: Neil and Paul's small profits have kept this sale alive and keep them on top.

VO: Penny's intriguing mortar - maybe 17th century - the last lot today and their last hope.

DAVID: £30, who's in?

20?

£20?

20, thank you, sat down, £20.

They just know.

£20, sat down at £20, way to be gone at £20 here, have a look what I'm doing at £20.

A fiver anywhere?

At £20.

Go on!

At £20 bid, £20 looking hard.

I've got a maiden bid of £20.

DAVID: That's all.

THOMAS: That's all we're doing.

DAVID: In the room, last chance.

THOMAS: There we are.

DAVID: That's all then.

Last chance for you all.

Anybody else at 20?

VO: An appalling loss, and unfortunately a devastating end to Penny and Thomas's fortunes.

Wonderful, that's exactly what I wanted to see (!)

That's a hefty loss.

That's a hefty loss, yeah.

That is a hefty loss.

VO: Well, don't make it any worse than it is.

Reluctantly, we turn our eyes to the full horror.

VO: So both teams began with £400.

Penny and Thomas took a pretty big hit, and after auction costs, actually made a loss of £116.30 - doesn't sound much if you say it quickly - ending their road trip with a mildly tragic £283.70.

VO: Neil and Paul did a bit better, but not much.

They end their road trip in the lead, with £408.70.

VO: By the rules of the road trip, all profits go to Children In Need, however small those profits may be, and today they're titchy.

Come on - well done you two.

PENNY: Yes, well done.

THOMAS: Well done.

Thank you very much.

THOMAS: Well done.

NEIL: Thank you.

Thank you.

And well done.

Enjoyed the journey.

THOMAS: Well, I didn't - I enjoyed the journey buying!

THOMAS: We had great fun.

PENNY: We had a lovely time.

But I didn't enjoy the auction so much.

No.

I'm sort of rather glad that we missed half of it!

PAUL: Fantastic.

I'm gonna miss you guys now.

VO: Aw shucks.

We'll miss you too Neil.

And you, Penny.

NEIL: Charles II's lover Nell Gwynn is from Herefordshire.

PENNY: Is that actually true?

NEIL: Yes.

PENNY: Do you know something?

THOMAS: The thing is, what we have gained in our brains, you can't just give to somebody immediately.

PAUL: Give me five minutes, I could write it down.

PAUL & THOMAS: (LAUGH) subtitling@stv.tv