♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ -Hiya.

-Oh, hi.

Where are you going?

Vicarage sitting for Hillary till he gets back.

Oh, I bet you'll never leave.

(LAUGHS) ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ Yay!

♪ What more can we do?

♪ (SINGSONGY) Raphy!

Go and get your toothbrush, darling, and your towels and anything else you'll need.

Oh, football.

Tash, are you sure you wanna take Raphy, because, you know, he hasn't really lived in the van that much and I don't mind having him.

Mum, you are the one who's always saying he's like my son.

Yeah.

Yeah, alright.

Go over to the house and get the rest of the stuff you need.

Come on, come on, help.

I'm doing this.

Where is Spike?

He's never around when you need him.

So, um, I think, like, to move it, I should be the one driving it, because I have, like, HTV experience with horse boxes.

-So yes.

-Yeah.

And Spike is on his postal round, so he is just gonna have to join us there.

Okay, cool.

Um, we should secure everything in the van.

Have you've got anything precious?

Um, only, only my runes?

They may actually be semiprecious anyway.

Mum thinks they're, they're plastic.

KATE: Hi, everybody.

Oh, what's happening?

SAL: They're leaving, hurrah.

Oh!

Are you off?

Yeah, Tish has found us a really cool site, a level one.

-(GASPS) Oh.

-Yeah, I know, it's so cool.

Um, it's that the stables where I sometimes work.

-So it's, like, really good for... -Horses.

No, for water.

Uh, we can, like, use their showers.

-KATE: Hmm.

-Yeah.

And if the ponies aren't in use, you can use them.

-(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

-KATE: Oh.

Come on, come on, let's get the rest of the stuff out of the house.

-(BELL RINGS) -Oh!

(KATE AND SAL GASP) -SAL: Where have you been?

-(KATE LAUGHS) I arrive, fair maidens, does my chariot await?

Idiot.

Ready to travel, ready for adventure, to wander this fair land, this Albion.

-Just strap it on the back... -(BICYCLE THUDS) ...and do some work.

Oh, you're gonna miss them.

No.

No, you will.

Well, never mind us.

What about you?

What?

You and the vicar?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, don't, I'm blushing.

No, you're not actually.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

It's lovely.

He's lovely!

(BOTH LAUGH) Listen, I wanna talk at length, I wanna hear everything.

Let me get rid of them and then we'll catch up later.

You don't have to stay, you know.

Well, I should really.

This has been a designated trouble spot.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not at war with Jock anymore.

-Truce.

-Oh!

But raised voices have been heard.

Not recently.

Things stay on the books, Sal.

Oh.

So what major incidents have you got on your book then?

Oh, vegetables stolen from the allotment.

Dustbin bag blowing dangerously in the road.

Slippy pavements on North Street.

The-the list goes on and on.

What a dangerous world we live in.

You better keep an eye on their van then.

(ENGINE REVVING) Ohh.

Whoo!

I love that Land Rover.

Oh, more traffic, I may have to safety-bollard.

Bye.

And she's coming up to the final double.

She's gonna win the Olympics.

Hang on, Ginny.

(BOTH IMITATE HOOVES CLOPPING) BOTH: Yay!

Are you gonna, like, take your show jumping set?

Yeah, of course.

'Cause you've got so many jumps.

Yeah, and I'm gonna take my rosettes.

Yeah, well, you earned them.

-Thank you.

-Look, well done.

-Oh.

-Oh, look!

So adorable.

What are you doing?

Oh, we're packing.

SAL: No, you're not, you're chatting.

I didn't know you were, like, on a schedule, Mother.

Life is on a schedule, Tash.

Now, Tash, when you go and you take Raph with you, you are going to have get it together.

Yeah, I know.

-You are his mother.

-Yeah, I know.

You're going to have to start organizing things for him, like nits, eye test, teeth.

Oh, my God, is there like a tooth test, as well?

No, you are going to have to know the name of his teacher and the name of his best friend.

Yeah, I'm his best friend, Mum.

No!

You are his mother.

Now, come on, let's get this show on the road.

Excuse me, the KerPlunk seems to have found its way onto the so-called van.

Yeah, well, it's mine, so... No way.

Dad bought it for me.

When have you ever played any board games?

Yeah, well, it was in my room, so... Well, it was always kept in the airing cupboard, so I have no idea why.

Hi, James.

Oh, hello.

Hi, it's um Tish, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

So, um, are you still doing Pony Club?

-No.

-TISH: Why?

Yeah, apparently they won't let you do it after you're 21 or something.

Oh, right.

My pony died.

Oh, no.

Charcoal?

-TISH: Yeah.

-Oh, no.

That is so sad.

It was really sad.

Do you remember my pony, Mousie?

Yeah, she had, like, sweet itch.

-Yeah, it was really scabby.

-TISH: Hmm.

Had to be put down.

No!

Couldn't they have treated it?

TASH: No, it had to be put down.

Oh.

That's really sad.

KerPlunk.

Well, you know, she always gets everything.

(SAL SIGHS) You alright?

Just take it easy, Mum.

SAL: Yeah, I'm okay.

I wish you looked after yourself better.

I will, as soon as they've gone, I'll be fine.

Listen, I, I wanted to talk to you.

Now, look, let's just get Tash gone.

Oh, yes.

(SIGHS) What?

Nothing.

It's just... that's the way it's always been, that's all.

"Let me just get Tash sorted and I'll be with you.

Let me get Tash sorted."

I've been hearing it my entire life.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Just... as long as you're aware that she is unsortable.

She's the human embodiment of the chaos theory.

My time will never come.

Oh, God, yes, it will.

Come to dinner tonight.

Just the two of us.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) Ah, the brave knight does battle with the lid of a Müllerlight.

Alright?

Finally going then?

Forgive me if I don't wave you off.

New England awaits, the dream begins.

Let's hope the van starts.

SPIKE: Mm.

How goes it with yours?

My what?

Your dreams.

Politics.

Fight for the people.

Are you taking the piss?

No, no.

Grasp the sword, my friend.

This country needs good men.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak.

"Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen," Churchill.

Ah, Sir Winston.

Right about so many things.

Oh, except golf.

-Bye-bye, darling.

-Bye.

Bye.

I'll help guide them out.

Off to Albian, our England.

The land that is not blood.

No, nor, nor money, nor tarmac, nor Burger King.

No, no, no.

It is rivers and rocks and pastures and abundance.

Onwards for commonwealth, on common ground.

English tosspot.

Alright, now, let's see.

(ENGINE STARTS) (GEARS GRIND) (REVVING) Bye.

Bye.

(SCREAMS) -SAL: Oh!

-Everyone's on their way!

Nobody move the van.

Whole building might collapse.

Tash!

TASH: Oh, my God.

Bloody hell, van rebelled.

You got the wrong gear, you silly girl!

Please step away from the vehicle so I can tape it off.

JOCK: Why doesn't everybody go inside and I'll sort it out?

-Look at my house!

-(SIREN WAILING) JOCK: Go and have a cup of tea.

-SAL: What?

-JOCK: No panic.

Nobody's hurt.

(SIRENS WAILING) Slight overreaction.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) Oh, bloody brilliant, eh, Raph?

Look at that, mate.

Oh.

Oh, crikey.

Uh... Oh, my God, how bad is it?

Will you be able to get anyone to do it for me?

I'll do it.

I can spare a few evenings.

Oh, thanks.

We've got the beer.

-Ow.

-SAL: Oh, sorry.

It's not that bad.

It didn't need stitches.

Yes, it did, you just didn't wanna do them.

Same thing.

I'm sorry about this, darling.

I am, really.

Anyway, they're only gonna have their pizza and then they'll be pushing off.

Aren't you, Tash?

My sister, the human boomerang.

Doesn't matter how hard you throw her out, she keeps coming back and cracking you on the head.

(TASH SNORTS) You know the thing is, through my experience with horse boxes, I know that, like, everything's in reverse.

So if you wanna go left, then you have to turn the real right.

If you're like looking in the mirror.

So to go forwards you go backwards.

TISH: Um, yeah, only if you're looking in the mirror, I think.

Raph's asleep in your bed, if that's okay.

SAL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Back from the Crusade so soon.

Hey, my dream's suspended, but yours...

Yes.

Politics is good for you.

Is he really not taking the piss?

-Nope.

-Are you encouraging him?

Yeah, because, right, we're all so blinded by this media-centric view of politicians as crooks and fools, we forget, it is in fact an honorable and brilliant system.

Spike?

Well said, son.

Journalists slagging off politicians is like estate agents slagging off traffic wardens.

-You can keep your nose out.

-Thank you.

Yeah, and can you stop building up my brother, please?

Well, somebody has to.

Look, if the only alternative to real politicians is Esther Rantzen, then God help us all.

SPIKE: Yeah.

(LAUGHS) Alright, come on, you lot, eat up.

You're not staying here tonight.

Why not?

Well, your van is fine.

Your van isn't damaged.

It's my bloody house that's falling down.

Yeah, um, I do actually feel a little bit responsible for that.

Maybe that's because you are a little bit responsible.

(CHUCKLES) Well, thank God you're here.

Oh?

TISH: So are you staying at the pub?

I am.

The van's really, really messy.

SAL: Well, tidy it then.

Tash, you can't keep thinking of this house as an annex.

Anyway, I'm clearing out your room.

Why?

What for?

Because I'm gonna move the bathroom upstairs.

I'm going to redecorate.

I'm gonna make this house mine, and I'm going to join the gym, James.

Good.

Oh, my God, you sound so like my mother when she was going through the whole, like, menopause-y thing.

It's a completely new life.

My mum's even found this really cool guy and now she has loads of sex.

SAL: That's enough.

Thanks, Tish.

No, but, I mean, how could you live without having sex?

And it is allowed when you're old.

My mother's absolutely loving it.

And she says, actually, you know, it's a lot better than when she was young.

So um, do you think that you-- No.

No.

Of course, I think it's right to be open about it.

You're a healthy, attractive woman.

Thank you.

Stop talking now, please.

Spoons.

Pardon?

Spoons.

Yeah, that's how old people do it.

I saw it on Richard & Judy.

Please stop talking now.

Aw.

Weird.

So do you two want a baby?

Well... 'Cause... Oh, my God.

No, I mean, I don't know how you'd go about doing this legally, -but you could always-- -Tish.

That's enough.

-We are trying.

-Are you?

Hmm.

Nice.

SAL: Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Yes, we are actually now officially trying.

Oh, my God, that's wonderful.

TASH: No, it isn't.

That's just like saying now we are, you know, "Everyone, we are having sex," you know?

Hey everyone, loud-hailer, sex!

Sounds like the theme of the evening.

I'm so sorry.

No, by trying, I mean that I bought things off the Internet, like charts, thermometers, you know, all this stuff.

Thermometers?

Yes, to take the temperature of my tongue.

Have you considered just shagging?

Hey.

Kids, good for the dream.

Okay, let's not get back onto politics.

Come on.

Tish, Tash, Tosh, Spike.

Buzz off, come on.

See you in the morning.

I think I might head off too.

Okay, well, I might stay and have a minute with Mum unless you need me to come and-- Oh, no, no, it's fine.

I'm not ovulating.

SAL: Mm.

You alright?

JAMES: Yeah.

And you?

Yeah.

But I'm gonna go on a health kick.

I've got a pair of jeans up there that are a measure of how fat I am.

And I will be in them at the end of next week.

No, it's not about weight.

No, I know, I know, I know.

But I, I am going to go on a diet and I'm gonna give up drink and I'm gonna give up sugar and I'm gonna give up f-- Fags.

I was gonna say food actually, because I practically don't smoke now.

(JOCK CLEARS THROAT) Oh, shut up.

Oh, please try and give them up.

You'll put on weight if you stop.

No, no, I can drop weight like that.

I'm gonna give up the beer.

I might try SlimFast.

Oh, no, Mum.

Jock.

Jock, come over here.

Come on, come and drink up my wine.

Oh, my God, Jock, I hear Eileen's been trying to get you to get Charles Dance to speak at the Guild.

Oh, yeah.

Very awkward.

Oh, well, don't let Eileen bully you.

Do you know what I say to her?

I say, "Shut up, Eileen, "if I wanted to listen to an --, I'd have farted myself."

You didn't say that.

No.

(LAUGHS) -Wouldn't dare.

-(LAUGHTER) Come on, drink up.

Gotta get rid of all this before I start my diet.

Come on, this is the first day of the rest of your life.

We are joining the gym.

Now, listen, we're only gonna start gently, okay?

Yes, yes.

'Cause I know you, you're very competitive.

Have you seen the gym?

SAL: No, but you can be.

TIP: I know I can, but not this time, Sal, trust me.

SAL: Have you brought the car?

TIP: No, I have not.

We are walking.

-SAL: Walking?

-TIP: Yes.

-SAL: Will the pub be open?

-(TIP LAUGHS) TIP: The pub is for later, Sal, alright?

Hi, we'd like to join.

Oh, right.

sit down.

Oh.

Well, this is the Friday Fit Club.

I don't need to show you around the room because it isn't that big anyway.

And you've both been here before.

There is a little bit of paperwork I need to do before I can let you use the equipment.

Oh, God, I didn't expect it to be so organized, really.

I know it's crazy, but it's our risk assessment you see, health and safety.

Oh, they've been a lot stricter with us ever since that incident when Mary Pugh knocked her teeth out with the dumbbells.

She's with her family now, of course, still spoon fed.

Right.

Now, name?

No, sorry.

No, I can do that.

Age?

18 to 25, 25 to 35, 35 to 49, or over 50.

How depressing for the over 50s.

You're beyond age brackets.

Not even worth breaking down into smaller groups.

Instead of writing over 50, you might as well just write nearly dead.

Right, I'll do that for you then.

Pretty obvious, really.

Now, would you wanna say yes or no to the following questions?

-Asthma?

-BOTH: No.

-Epilepsy?

-BOTH: No.

-Diabetes?

-SAL AND TIP: No, no.

No.

Pregnant?

-No.

-(TIP SNICKERS) Arthritis?

Oh, there in my thumb-- Oh, no, don't worry about that.

Take some glucosamine.

I'll put no for that then.

Blood pressure?

-Yes.

-High or low?

Normal I think.

Oh, yes, well, there isn't an option for that, you see?

I'll have to write that in the margin.

Oh, God, I needed you to pick a form, really.

I tell you what, I can fill this form in later on, right?

Neither of you are dying yet, are you?

No.

Right, well just leave me your £1.50 when you can and you can get on with it then.

Oh, plenty of tea and coffee and biscuits here.

Keep your sugar level up, see?

-A gym with biscuits.

I'm gonna like it here.

-Yep.

We have entered Cocoon.

Slacker.

I'm on the downhill profile, I can freewheel this.

Are you finished with Grazia yet?

No.

Oh, God.

Glasses are all steamed up.

Well done, most people only come for the biscuits.

(EXHALES) (GRUNTS) SAL: Off to the gym.

JOCK: Jogging all the way.

(YELLS) Ohh.

JOCK: Mm.

(SAL GIGGLES) Woo-hoo.

Easy.

(GROANS) (LAUGHS) -Bye.

-JOCK: Bye.

Go on.

How come you look so good and I'm just getting fatter?

It's the gym biscuits.

Well, you look amazing.

I was hoping to lose a few pounds before me birthday.

Which reminds me, don't forget the drinks at the pub.

I want to get you drunk, feed you up, bring you back to my level.

I do feel good though.

It just shows how little I was doing before.

Having a laugh, a man in your life.

I haven't got a man in my life.

I've got a man in my kitchen.

But he is a laugh.

He's so your type.

Oh, stop it.

Shut up.

(TREADMILL BEEPS) I'm having good fun with him, because it's not like that.

I mean, it's safe because I'm so not his type.

God, it's been so long since I was free to be me.

I know, just be yourself and not a widow.

Or a mother or a grandmother.

(TREADMILL BEEPS) Anyway, it's all totally innocent.

I think he's got a penchant for the younger woman, though.

Oh?

Tish was all over him like a rash the other night.

I think if I seriously flirted with him, it might freak him out.

Oh, so you're just teasing him.

Just having a bit of fun, you know, it makes him feel nice.

(TREADMILL BEEPS) Do you ever think about having another man in your life?

No.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-(TREADMILL BEEPS) -The, um...

But you know, I don't think I could put up with all the other stuff.

You know, the dating and the... having to be smart and friendly and clean... and not having any control of your own life.

I mean, I love my life.

I can do what I like.

They say the new affair is an afternoon nap.

Oh, God, how lovely.

Shall we?

The scandal.

(SAL CHUCKLES) (BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING) Bloody hell.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Muscle is heavier than fat, remember that.

Oh, right, yeah.

You going to the birthday thing at the pub tonight?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, if you hang on a minute, I'll get my shoes on.

-I'll come with you.

-Look, I'll see you there.

I want to clean up.

Oh, right, clean up.

-JOCK: Yeah.

-Hmm.

Okay, see you later.

Right.

(door closes) Clean up, eh?

Oh, hi.

You coming to Tip's thing?

Yeah, but you go ahead.

'Cause I'm...

I'm just gonna clean up.

You look fine.

No, I, um, I'm just gonna get changed.

You know the jeans I told you about?

I'm putting those on, my slim ones.

You do look really well.

Thank you.

What a little exercise can do.

Less of a little.

You look well too.

Well, yes.

Oh?

No.

You're not pregnant.

No.

We just had sex.

Oh, great.

Well done.

See you there.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) Oh!

(GROANS, SIGHS) -Happy birthday.

-Oh, thanks, Kenny.

TIP AND TASH: Yay!

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ -♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ -Happy birthday to you.

Some very fine shrooms.

Oh, marvelous man.

Have some wine.

You alright?

Oh, no, this isn't from the accident.

No, I, I tripped on a slippy paving stone chasing a stray bin bag.

Is your mother coming down?

I wouldn't know.

Yeah, I've been exiled.

About time.

-Hey.

-Hey!

You want to come sit with us?

Oh, um, yeah, actually I'm, I'm just gonna, you know, wait for someone.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-What about the vicar?

-Oh, I don't know.

He's at something to do with a, a synod.

A convocation of... primates, I think.

I don't really understand all that.

I don't think we mere mortals are supposed to.

The simple message of Christ complicated into hierarchies, tenets, communions, and sacraments.

Anglican, Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Da Vinci Code, or Episcopalian.

It's the power of the mystery that keeps us in our place.

Yes.

Can I have a straw?

Oh, yeah.

-Um, can you not, um... -What?

...tell everyone we've just been... (LAUGHS) Oh.

No, I won't.

Happy birthday.

Many thanks.

Mum's just on her way.

She's, uh, you know, cleaning up.

What?

Oh!

If you're gonna sit here, can we please not talk about babies?

JAMES: Fine.

Or politics.

-Tim Brewer.

-What about him?

-Local MP?

-Yes.

A soft slacker and subservient fool, I know.

How do you know?

He was my fag at Eton.

You're a better man.

Thank you.

Come on, Katie Bales, drink up.

Oh.

(LAUGHS) Is it happy hour?

No, I'm just happy all the time here.

I love it.

A pub is like a womb.

And these are all my children and I'm the great mother feeding them from a large placenta.

That's not a good image, is it?

Makes me feel a bit sick actually.

-(WOLF WHISTLE) -Ohh!

-PATRONS: Ooh!

-TIP: Sal Vine.

They told me you cleaned up.

How dare you?

Oh, my God, you look so pretty and so sweet.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, honey.

(GASPS) Ooh!

Are you doing the gym thing as well?

-Yeah.

-Why you, you look great.

Thanks.

Are those the jeans?

-No, they wouldn't fit.

-Weird.

I know, somebody must have hot washed them.

Wine.

Oh.

Sorry.

-Hi.

-Hey.

Well, look at you, huh?

Ooh!

Excuse me.

TIP: Have a drink, Jock.

-Happy birthday.

-Thanks.

(QUIETLY) Stupid, stupid, stupid.

(SIGHS) (TOILET FLUSHES) When you've got a neck brace on your arms just aren't long enough.

-(CHUCKLES) -Aw.

You alright?

Yeah.

Hot flash.

-Yeah.

-Aw.

Oh.

Oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

What for?

For making a fuss, sorry.

(SIGHS) Oh, God, you're alright.

Did I go red?

Did everybody notice?

What a fool.

No, no, that's all in your head.

It is not obvious.

I mean, I know because I know.

He does scrub up nicely.

Yeah.

And he doesn't always scrub up, believe me.

He's flirting.

Ahh!

Oh, stop.

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) So Mum and Jock, what, what do we think?

Mum and Jock, what do we think?

What kind of thing is this you're saying to me, strange brother?

Well, I mean, they're obviously getting on and how do they seem to you and how do we feel about that?

Why are you talking weirdly like this?

Because this is a bit weird thinking about Mum and another man.

Yeah, well, don't think about it then.

And please don't say anything.

Maybe I should have a chat with him asking about his intention.

You don't say anything.

-Man to man.

-No.

Why?

No, because it just isn't, is it, with you?

It just isn't man to man.

It's, it's sixth form prefect to someone who doesn't really care what you think.

(SIGHS DEEPLY) (MUMBLES) How old are you?

(SIGHS) Come on, Sal.

Get a grip.

(SIGHS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CHATTER CONTINUES) (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Excuse me.

Where did you go?

You left me with that total nutter.

Sorry.

You look... very nice.

Thank you.

So do you.

Oh.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

("Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell playing) ♪ But now they only block the sun ♪ ♪ They rain and snow on everyone ♪ ♪ So many things I would have done ♪ ♪ But clouds got in my way ♪ ♪ I've looked at clouds from both sides now ♪ ♪ From up and down and still somehow ♪ ♪ It's cloud illusions I recall ♪ ♪ I really don't know clouds ♪ ♪ At all ♪ (SCATTING)