(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Child, child, child.

Darling, darling, can you help me here?

-What?

-Come and help Mama, sweetheart.

I wanna change position.

I've got my foot wedged up my lower chakra.

Ooh.

Ouch.

Ouch.

(WINCES) Ooh.

Still, never mind.

Couple of weeks, I'll be bending like Madonna, won't I, darling, hmm?

I'll be able to kiss my own arse from both directions.

Ooh, look at this one, sweetheart.

Look at this one, darling, look.

Corpse, corpse.

In my dreams.

(CHANTING) Om... Om... Om, om, om, om... You're not supposed to inhale your oms.

Darling, I can inhale me oms if I want to inhale me oms.

I can pull 'em in one end and push 'em out wherever I want.

Darling, did you know that yogis can breathe through any orifice?

They can be buried for 40 years, darling, just breathing through a straw sticking out of their pundada.

(SIGHS) This kitchen is filthy.

What did you do to it last night?

Stop clearing it up, darling.

I'm trying to Jamie Oliver it up a bit, you know.

I had me mates around, burned pork chops, fresh herbs, fresh herbs.

Going down the dogs, come on, darling.

Will you stop that?

Look, I've got a meeting here this morning.

You are going to work today, aren't you?

Yeah, well, someone's got to, haven't they?

In fact, darling, will you check on my webcam and see if Bubble's in the office yet?

Do it yourself.

My hand's still bad.

-Your hands.

-Saffy: I don't know what it is, I think I might have trapped a nerve or something.

(MUTTERS) This is my new website, darling.

I've diversified, I'm a multitasker.

It's the new thing.

You know, fashion, PR, design.

I've got a TV production company, I've got my fingers in lots of pies.

Darling, Eddy Pie Hands.

You haven't produced anything.

No, but I'm a brand, I've been branded.

Like some old heifer at the O.K.

Corral.

Anyone can shove an antenna up their bum and call themselves a channel nowadays.

Edina: Oh, look.

Look at that.

What's she doing?

What is she doing?

It's ridiculous.

I mean, I paid thousands of pounds to have that thing updated.

What am I paying Damon for?

Mum, will you please just go?

Alright, sweetheart!

I've just got to call my life coach, darling.

Gotta get my daily aim.

Gotta have a daily aim, sweetheart.

You should try it.

I've got my two life aims, you know.

Yoga, which is one, you are witness.

What's the second one?

To have Christmas with Sting and Trudie Styler.

Hello?

Juliette, dear... Have a great idea and write a pop song.

Thank you, darling.

There you are.

Gotta have a great idea today and write a pop song.

Can't be hard, can it?

-♪ Hey, baby... ♪ -Saffy: Not here.

You're not doing it here, I've got a meeting here.

Oh, you've got a meeting.

Not another of your committees, is it, darling?

Your voluntary, unpaid committees?

What have you done since the body zone?

Nothing.

Slave labor for New Labor, that's what you are.

I am getting a job.

That's what the meeting's about.

-Paid?

-Yes.

Good.

'Cause frankly darling, I don't mind subsidizing some fat old couch potato who just wants to sit around reading magazines and watching telly all day.

Frankly, in the business I'm in, we need that kind of person.

But when somebody deliberately over-educates themselves out of the possibility of useful employment, I take issue.

You can tell that to your new, improved sparkly Labes.

If I get the job, I'm out of here.

-That's my life aim.

-Oh, good.

Oh, good.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, God, I thought we left her in the last millennium.

Is there no justice?

-Another sponger.

-Oh!

What a night I've had.

I've taken up guacamole.

Guacamole, dear.

It's very sexy.

You mean salsa, Gran.

She knows that.

She knows.

I thought that was a dip.

She knows it's salsa.

Salsa!

Don't react, she's just doing it to annoy you.

I know that, darling.

Got enough years under the belt to know that.

Oh you're calling that "years" now, are you, dear?

I thought you were preparing for a hard winter.

Stop her, Saff.

Saff.

Saff.

They used to predict the weather by you, you know.

Oh, Saffy.

"She's designed for hibernating," the neighbors used to say.

-"Stock up with coal... -Oh, stop it.

-...if you can't see her nose by October."

-(EDINA HUMMING) Oh, I know I shouldn't laugh, but really... Oh.

What's this?

Be careful, Gran.

Be careful, this is a new kitchen.

There is a vegetable place and a meat place, only bleed on the meat place.

I don't want my new paintwork splattered with your liver spots like 101 Dalmatians.

You used to have one of these when you were a girl.

Yeah, but I was never allowed on it.

No, you were too big for it.

You wobbled.

The scooter wobbled.

If you say so.

I have perfect balance, sweetheart, look.

Wheels don't buckle on their own.

See that?

Now you know why I have to take it out on you, darling, don't you?

Cycle of abuse, isn't it?

What job are you getting, darling?

-What job is it you're getting?

-(SIGHS) -It's a government initiative... -Ugh.

Government.

Ugh.

-...for the promotion... -Oh, the promo.

-...of British arts and culture abroad.

-(MOCKINGLY) Arts and culture... British, British arts and culture, is it?

British?

What is that?

The new PC, flagless, sexless, OK, anodyne, milky-white British New Labor brand, is it, darling?

Is it?

-(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING) -What are you doing?

I've come to pick up my E's.

(MUMBLES) I'm a silver surfer.

Well, not on my waves, you ain't.

Get off.

And then I thought I might do a bit of shopping.

Oh, God.

No wonder all the dot coms are going under.

Look at this.

It's mainly oldies who shop on the web.

Yes.

Virtual shopping for those with no grip on reality, that's what it is, isn't it, sweetheart?

Now what is my email address?

Oldwoman@riskofbeingstrangled byowndaughter.com, I should imagine.

Eddy.

Eddy.

Prepare yourself.

Pats.

Pats.

Pats.

Pats.

Eddy.

What's happened to your face?

Darling, I told you.

(CLICKS TONGUE) God, that's fabulous, darling.

-Yeah, I did it last night.

Yeah.

-Edina: Fabulous.

Doesn't it normally take a couple of days to kick in?

No, darling, I've told you, this is the business.

I got it direct from my little friend at the lab.

What's happened to your face?

Darling, darling, she's just had a little bit of the Botox.

No, it's not Botox, it's Parralox.

You look like a zombie.

Edina: She still has emotions, you know.

She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles, that's all.

-I'm happy about that, can you tell?

-No.

-Money well spent, Eddy.

-Edina: Money well spent.

I'd say, yeah.

Sweetheart, did you test it?

How did you test it?

Have you seen her hand?

I mean, do you know what that stuff is?

Darling, it's very natural.

It's just fresh from the jaws of an anaconda, isn't it, Pats?

It's a chemical weapon, they make it at Porton Down.

It's developed for use in Iraq.

Well, why shouldn't we share our beauty secrets, darling?

If it's good enough for Saddam, -it's good enough for us.

-Edina: Yeah.

I mean, who wouldn't risk a mild dose of Gulf War Syndrome for a wrinkle-free hand?

For a wrinkle-free forehead, sweetheart, for a wrinkle-free forehead.

You look like a haggis with pointed toes.

A tight old bladder skin holding together some rotting old offal.

Your father was always rather partial to a bit of that.

Is this your idea of cheating death, by embalming early?

"Self-entombment, available at a cosmetic surgery near you."

Well, have you finished?

Right.

We don't have to go to a surgery, do we, darling?

No, it's only a needle, Eds.

You don't need an O-Level to operate a syringe.

There'd be a social revolution if you did, wouldn't there?

Yeah.

-Let me get dressed.

-Patsy: Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Katy Grin and these are carpets.

Come down now to Carpet Madness.

It's carpets!

It's madness!

Carpet madness at Carpet Madness, now.

Just carpets.

It's madness, madness, now.

Sale starts Friday.

Darling, did you know that Katy Grin is Bubble's cousin?

-Who?

-Katy Grin, darling, I've told you, my new TV partner.

Mum.

Come here.

Don't get your face paralyzed.

Promise me.

Yeah, I promise, darling, I promise, darling, yes.

-Not that I care.

-Understood.

We'll need to stop on the way, Eddy, to pick up a couple of syringes.

No, darling... No, darling, I don't think so.

Clean ones, Eddy.

New ones.

(SIGHS) Oh, Eddy.

Eddy?

What, darling, do you want the toilet?

-Do you wanna go back in?

-No, no.

It's... Where's the car?

Chris, is this for me?

Well, where's the... Did Bubble order this?

I'll call Bubble.

Sending us a little munchkin car.

Are you coming as well, Chris?

You'll have to get in the back, Pats.

Get in the back.

Oh.

Edina: Ow, ow, ow.

Don't put your leg there.

I'm going to call Bubble.

This is ridiculous.

You almost got my eye out with your stiletto.

Just keep your legs in the back.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS) Edina: I'll text Bubble.

This is bloody ridiculous.

Patsy: I've got it now, Eddy.

-Edina: Half car.

-Patsy: I'm in the back.

I'm quite supple.

Edina: ♪ Hey, baby ♪ ♪ I'm just driving down the road ♪ ♪ Lookin'... ♪ Ugh.

♪ Driving down the road ♪ ♪ Looking at the things ♪ ♪ Looking at the people on the side of the road ♪ ♪ Lookin' at the handle on the door... ♪ -Not really very catchy, is it?

-No, it's not.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Your empire awaits.

Ha, ha.

What has happened to my car?

I was driven here today in a licorice allsort.

Oh, Eddy, I think I've got deep vein thrombosis.

We were pointed at all the way by fingers.

But it's your promotion.

The Air Aware Week.

"Clean up the atmos."

And that's your promotion.

Hmm.

Well, where is everybody?

They're waiting for you, in the TV meeting.

-Oh.

-The drain-storm.

-You don't have to do that.

-I don't have to do that.

Hmm.

What is that?

Charity, charity, charity.

Every abnormal skin cell now has its own premiere.

Look at this.

Sponsored celebrity fun run for anyone who can't form a scab.

(MUMBLES) Oh, and meeting with Twiggly.

Oh, and-and you're on Richard & Dudey tomorrow morning.

-Richard & Judy?

-Hmm.

To push the Radical Gay Pride.

Edina: Richard & Judy?

Fist Across America.

Richard & Judy?

I know them.

We stayed friendly.

I should be doing that.

Well, they wanted me.

-But it's a TV thing.

-It's a PR thing.

-You on TV, Eds?

-Yes, darling.

Eddy Pie Hands.

Eddy Pie Hands.

-Darling, I think... -No.

Now, get these off to the nanny, will you?

And tell her that if he doesn't stop crying, she can take him to the doctor.

How can a baby cry like that?

Is that a cigarette?

And booze?

(LAUGHS) Oh, come on, partner, let's get some TV on the road.

Come on.

Put it out.

I won't be long, darling.

I won't be long.

I hate smoking.

Five minutes, I'll be back.

Well, this is very nice.

Yes, it's my mother's.

I'm just here until I can afford to leave.

Wanting to, um, shake off the shackles of privilege?

But no, um, it's okay now, you're allowed to be rich.

In fact, I think we encourage it.

Oh.

Well, I'm not a champagne socialist.

Bolli Bolsheviks.

I don't even drink.

Uh, Gran, I think you should go.

That's my Gran, it's not my mother.

She doesn't live here.

She's not dependent.

Great to see a... Um... -Older person?

-Yes.

Yes, couldn't think of how we say it now.

Yes, an older person using all the new-fangled technology.

Saffy: Hmm.

Well, I think I'll leave that now, dear.

After a while it does get a bit boring.

Oh, I know.

And once you're stuck in a porn cycle, you can be there for days.

Go now, Gran, go home.

Mother: Good luck, dear.

He's very nice.

-Is she here?

-She'll be out in a minute.

Am I blinking?

-Botox?

-No, Parralox.

Well, does exactly what it says on the tin.

And put more things in production.

Put it on the website.

Like a quiz for Twiggy.

For...

Things for Twiggy.

Quiz for Twiggy.

Twiggy... Twigs for Quiggy.

Twiggy, hello, darling.

This is what I've come to see you about.

-Since I took you on, nothing has happened.

-Edina: Mm-hmm.

You promised me TV vehicles, but all I've had so far are black and white cabs at my door, day and night.

-It's Bubble.

-(CLIP-CLOPPING) (BUBBLE WHINNIES) -A quiz, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I quite like that.

-Yeah.

What else?

Come on, you've had months.

Look, darling, I thought maybe just a change of tack here, change of image, you know.

Radical Gay Pride.

Fists Across America, darling.

'Cause you are a gay icon.

-Oh.

Am I?

-Edina: Yeah.

-Damon.

Damon.

-Damon: Coming.

Twiggy.

Anyways, Richard & Judy, darling, tomorrow morning with me.

With me.

-Oh, I don't know.

-Edina: Oh.

I mean, they wanted Kylie.

I said, "No, Twiggy.

She's got class."

-Hmm.

Yeah, well, I have.

-Edina: Hmm.

She doesn't have to resort to wearing a pair of microshorts wedged up her chocolate starfish to get on telly, does she?

Well, no.

Free car.

Alright, I'll do it.

But, look, I know Richard and Judy, so let me do the talking, and you just sit there.

-Alright.

I'll get the details to your people.

-Okay.

-See you down at the Gate Bar later.

-Oh, alright.

Twiggy.

How are you, darling?

-Sorry?

-Katy.

We did the lottery show together.

You released the balls... Twiggy, Twiggy, put our name on the door at the Gate Bar.

Put our name on the... door.

Do a bit of shopping, go home and change, go to the Gate Bar.

That's great.

That stuff's kicking in, you're looking good, darling.

Oh, great, great, Eddy, thank you.

(INHALES AND EXHALES) Do you think you're going to take that job?

Well, if it's offered, yes.

Which I think it will be.

He said it's unusual to find someone with all the qualifications and no home commitments.

I think he liked you, if you know what I mean.

I don't think so.

Oh, yes.

He fancied you.

No, I don't think so.

I've touched a nerve.

(SINGSONGY) Saffy's got a boyfriend.

Saffy's got a boyfriend!

You're going red.

Do you wanna kiss him?

Do you want to sex him?

Sorry.

-(THUMPING DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -Twiggy's got our name down.

Twiggy's put my name on the guest list.

Twiggy!

Is in there.

Put my name on the guest... Well, how do I know I'm not on the guest list if he won't show me the guest list?

Look, who do you have to be to get a drink around here?

Excuse me.

Hi, Paul.

Victoria.

Vict...

I know...

I know her mother.

Oh, we'll go 'round the back.

Go 'round the back to the toilets.

Candy will let us in.

Patsy: Candy Bender?

She says she'll be in the right-hand cubicle, Patsy.

Should be here.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Alright, on one condition.

You have to take Fisty when I go to Barbados, do you hear me?

-Goodbye, Minge.

-Thank you.

Have you got my stuff?

Yeah.

Stuff for Candy, here you are.

Don't know what's happened to our membership card, must be lost in the post or something.

Vomit on the left, Pats, vomit on the left.

Who were you talking to there?

My school friend, Minge.

-Oh, Minge.

-Do you know what she wants me to do?

-What?

-She wants me to invite Vic Hervey to her 21st bash.

As if I'm not enough.

I mean, I'm an "it-girl," aren't I?

Well, what's the criteria?

You have to be an "it."

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

Come on, Pats.

And to look handsome.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Twiggy!

Darling, I'm just gonna get a drink, alright?

Are you going to the Black and White Ball at the In and Out Club for Minge's 21st?

-What?

-The Black and White Ball.

-Where is it?

-The In and Out Club.

-Who?

-Minge.

-I don't think so.

-Bitch.

Twiggy.

Twigs.

You didn't put our name on the door.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

(SIGHS) Where are you going?

No, stay, stay, stay.

Sit, stay.

Well... Look, it's, uh, really late.

I, I think I'm gonna go home.

-What?

-I'll see you tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

What?

-Richard & Judy.

Oh, I'm doing Richard... Richard & Judy.

-Will you be alright?

-Yeah, I'll be fine.

-Will she?

-Yeah, yeah.

Great, yeah.

(EDINA AND PATSY MUMBLE) Sparkle.

Sparkle!

(RECORD SCRATCHING) -Eds, I can't open my... -Oh, darling.

-Touch of a nap.

-Pats: Yeah.

It's just a little...

Very good.

This is very good.

That's better.

Woman: Sorry.

So, a job in the arts.

Do-does your mother know you write plays and things?

No, not really.

She wouldn't be interested.

And you are to say nothing.

I don't speak to her.

Not since she gave me that chemical peel.

-Well, not so much chemical... -No.

-...and not so much peel.

-Uh-uh.

She set fire to your pigtails.

It's a good job I'm thick-skinned... Saffy: Hmm.

-Except for this shoulder now.

-(SAFFY WINCES) Was your therapist any good?

Oh, yes, really, really nice.

It was actually quite helpful.

You should go.

No, never!

I don't need any help.

I can sort myself out.

You've got to get out of here.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (RECORD SCREECHES) Yeah, I love it here.

I love you, actually.

I do, actually.

I think you're fantastic.

Hey, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, give me a kiss.

-No, get off.

-A little kiss, Michael.

-Just a little... -Security.

Both: ♪ Hey... ♪ I was gonna give this one to J-Lo.

But this could be for you, this could really do something for you.

Yeah.

I could.

I-- (BOTH) ♪ Ooh, baby... ♪ So not "hey," but "ooh," now?

Right.

-♪ I'm lookin'... ♪ -♪ Ooh... ♪ (INDISTINCT SINGING) -Security?

-Should have gone... -(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) -(INAUDIBLE) So I thought we could-- Attica and Chinawhite?

-Cabaret.

-I've got you, Eddy.

I've got you, Eddy, don't worry.

Don't go that way or we'll see those bouncers.

♪ Attica, attica... ♪ Oh.

That's where that vomit... Oh.

No, Eddy, Eddy... Oh, I'm alright, alright.

Oh, God, honestly, darling.

I mean, that club, that club, darling, it's just full of people.

Just cause they're on TV, darling, they don't have to go back out through the vomit.

Yeah, they're famous people, yeah.

Edina: Yeah.

(MUMBLES) You're on TV tomorrow, Ed.

(SOFTLY) TV tomorrow.

Yeah, get your face out there.

I could do that, couldn't I, darling?

-Patsy: Yep.

-I could do that.

Let Twiggy do the talking?

I could do that.

I mean, you know, I could get my own style challenge show, couldn't I, darling?

-It's perfect for you.

You've always been style-challenged.

-Yeah.

(MOUTHING) You wanna watch TV though, Eddy, it puts on two stone, every wrinkle turns into a Grand Canyon.

Eddy, I think... No, darling, I think.

Eddy, I think.

(HUMMING) (SIGHS) I'm gonna be a star.

Just, uh, just give me five minutes, then, Eddy, will you?

Oh.

(CRUNCHING) Get a drink, sweetheart.

See you in five, then, Ed.

Mum, come here.

I want to look at you.

Had a great day, darling.

Life aims, daily aims, all complete, you know.

Come here!

Oh.

What, this?

This?

(MUMBLING) God, always the little policeman, aren't you, darling?

Yes, well, not for long.

My job interview went very well, by the way.

So you better get used to the fact that I'm not going to be here.

Oh, good.

'Cause actually, darling, I was thinking, actually, if I'm gonna be a celebrity, it would look pretty sad to have some sort of big daughter still at home, wouldn't it?

Unless you've got M.E.

This is quite good, really.

We need a break, don't we, darling?

We need a, a clean break, you and I.

Just remember to empty all your ashtrays.

Don't sit on your feet anymore.

Edina: No I won't, darling, I won't.

And I'll set up a food delivery service for you on the Internet.

Yum, yum.

(SIGHS) I'm going to bed.

Uh, you're not going to be here tomorrow, are you?

Oh, no, darling, no tomorrow, no, no, I'm fisting it on Richard & Judy tomorrow, darling.

Yeah, tomorrow I begin the harpoon ride of my career, sweetheart.

-Patsy: Eddy.

-Oh.

(WINCES SOFTLY) Ready?

It's not gonna hurt.

-I'll go to sleep in a minute.

-Alright, darling?

-Yeah.

-Little jab.

-Did you feel it?

-No, nothing, nothing.

Oh, that's the pillow.

Alright.

It's just going in now.

(WINCES) Ooh.

It's alright, darling.

It's alright, darling.

I'm gonna concentrate on the nose and the lips.

-That's really where we want to see it.

-(EDINA GRUMBLES) -Alright, darling.

-(EDINA WHINES) -That's good, darling.

-(EDINA MOANS) And I think I'll put a little bit 'round here, 'cause that's where... Alright, darling.

Oh, that's good, darling.

And up here.

-That'll stun out those lines, darling.

-(EDINA MOANS) And, uh... Oh, it... Oh, it seems to have gone.

-I'll mix up some more, Eddy.

-Edina: Hmm.

I'll mix up some stronger, darling.

I'll make it stronger 'round here.

-Yeah.

-Stronger 'round here.

-Well-- -Oh, please.

Look, I can go at the drop of a hat.

In fact, I can go before the drop of a hat.

I could go now.

Please.

Well... -The job is yours.

-(GASPS) Oh, I knew it!

Brilliant!

Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

Thanks.

Ohh.

(GIGGLING) (HEAVY BREATHING) This whole initiative is really close to Tony's heart.

-Yes.

-Um... Actually, uh...

Tone said, um, he'd love for you to come and have dinner -with him and Cherie at The Ivy one night.

-Oh.

-If you can make it.

-Oh.

Yeah.

(MUFFLED MOAN) (GURGLING) -Cherry is my-- -Oh, sorry, it's Che-rie.

-Oh, yes.

-Sorry.

-She's my role model.

-Oh.

(MUMBLING) Man: Your mom?

Saffy: Yeah, um... My God, this woman needs help.

No... No.

(MUFFLED) Saffy, help Mummy.

Help Mummy.

Help Mummy.

I can't... You don't understand, she-she's not normally like this.

I think she wants you to help her.

No, she doesn't, there's nothing the matter with her.

I mean, she, but she's a... She's a... You know?

She's a... Oh, Christ, what do we call people like this?

-No, she... She's not.

-Um, uh... She's just doing it for attention!

I'm very sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

-No, I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry.

-I didn't mean to hit her.

-No, I'm sorry.

I just...

Please.

Edina (MUFFLED): Please help Mummy.

Help Mummy, please.

-Stop it.

-Help Mummy... Stop it!

(MUMBLING) You can stop it now, he's gone.

(MUFFLED) It was Patsy's injection.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING) Told you that stuff was dangerous.

She shouldn't have gone to sleep.

It sunk.

(MUFFLED) Richard & Judy.

(MUMBLING) She loves those bracelets.

Look, she's looking at the diamonds.

Are you looking at my diamonds?

Oh, you've got taste.

You've got lovely little socks, haven't you?

Richard: Anyway, come on, we've got an interview to do.

Well, let's bring Twiggy in here.

Hi, Twiggy.

Oh, look, she likes you too, Judy.

-Oh, I'd love to... -Katy: Yes, you hold her.

-Yes, of course.

Sweetheart.

-Katy: Alright, Mimi.

Haven't you two done well.

-RICHARD: Well, you know, we just come in and do it.

-How do you keep it up?

You don't know, do you, Twiggy?

You look brilliant.

(MUMBLING ANGRILY) Oh, don't start that.

(CONTINUES MUMBLING) (GROANS) Sit up!

Shut up!

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)