VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... Sensational!

VO: ..one antiques expert each... Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

THOMAS: (LAUGHS) VO: Ha-ha!

And one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices... A-harr!

Have you got a part in panto yet?

VO: ..and auction... 55, a new bidder, thank you.

VO: ..for a big profit further down the road?

Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

And who will be the first to say... (THEY CHUCKLE) VO: .."Don't you know who I am?!"

Huh!

Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

Joining us on the celebrity road trip tonight are two legends of the sporting world, currently hurtling along the back roads of East Sussex in a 1961 Ford Zephyr.

PHIL (PT): It's a lovely day for it.

CHRIS (CH): Has it got an electric button CH: to put the roof up?

PT: Yes.

CH: It's called me, is it?

PT: Yeah!

VO: Allow me to introduce a man some call the bad boy of English cricket - he's spin bowling god Phil Tufnell, "Tuffers" to his friends.

Since retiring from the game, Phil's gone on to dominate the airwaves - everything from being a team captain on A Question of Sport... Now, have I heard of Johnny Moustache?

That can't be right, can it?!

(LAUGHTER) VO: ..to donning sequins, sparkles and spray tan in order to go Strictly Come Dancing.

Ha.

Phil's opponent on this leg is sports presenter Chris Hollins.

CH: Do you know anything about antiques, by the way?

PT: I'm not bad.

CH: Well, I know what doesn't work.

What doesn't work?

Yeah, well massive bits of furniture.

PT: Brown.

Brown furniture.

Can be any color!

VO: Chris comes from a footballing family, but after briefly playing for Queens Park Rangers, he opted for a career on the telly.

Though as well being on BBC Breakfast, he's also gone head to head with Tuffers on Strictly.

And on that occasion, Chris was ultimately crowned the winner.

Today it's time for the rematch, so we've given them £400 each and just two days to turn as much profit as possible.

But fear not, our experts will be showing them the ropes.

Welcome aboard Phil Serrell and Thomas Plant, who just love this 1967 Triumph Vitesse.

PHILIP (PS): Tom, I don't want to be critical of your driving, but you think it might now be time to put the windscreen wipers on, or indeed are they on?

THOMAS (TP): Well, I don't know where they are.

Here I am fiddling with all these things... No, that's the indicator.

And these here, I don't know what this is.

Er, that's the ejector seat.

Whatever you do, PS: don't press that.

TP: OK. VO: Philip Serrell started his working life as a geography and PE teacher, and freely admits his skills in that department were even worse than his jokes - thus the move into antiques.

Thomas, it's a glorious summer's day, isn't it?

Oh, we're so lucky.

We are, because I mean it could be really raining, as opposed to just raining.

Being a Plant, I love the rain.

VO: Ha!

Thomas Plant is a font of all knowledge, but did you know he's also a lifelong fan of James Bond, which is reflected in his hobbies - skiing, fencing and carrying out secret missions for the government?

Actually, we made the last bit up, although it is time to get today's celebrity mission under way.

VO: We're kicking off this road trip on Britain's South East coast, and after a little bit of to-ing and fro-ing, we're going back to auction in Chiswick.

Oh no.

Our first stop, the historic town of Hastings, which is of course synonymous with the year 1066 and all that.

Although truth be told, the Battle of Hastings actually happened six miles down the road, at Senlac Hill, though it was here the Normans set up camp and prepared for what would be the last foreign invasion of the British Isles to actually succeed.

Since then, the invaders have mainly been tourists.

TP: Here we are, Phil.

PS: I'm looking forward to it.

TP: Are you?

PS: I love the seaside.

TP: Do you love the seaside?

PS: Yeah, I do, I do, I do.

It's a bit sad, isn't it?

Buy me a stick of rock.

Really?

Euch, I hate rock.

VO: Hang on Thomas, the worst is yet to come - Philip also quite likes romantic walks along the beach.

So stand by.

PS: Is that David Hasselhoff?

TP: Yeah, it is, it is David.

PS: That means Pamela Anderson's here somewhere.

VO: Eh, settle down boys.

Maybe in series two.

Right now though, it's up to you to mentor Tuffers and Chris Hollins on how best to spend their £400.

So who's going to be with whom?

TP: Nice to see you.

PT: How are you, mate?

TP: Good to see you.

PT: Right.

CH: We need to be educated.

PT: We do.

TP: No you don't!

No, you're gonna need... You've got the wrong blokes.

Really the wrong blokes.

We need to make money, then.

Might have the right blokes there.

Yeah.

Lots of money, lots of money.

Who's going to work with who?

Up to you.

Well, I'm a bit of a cricket fan.

You've picked the right man.

CH: There we are, there's one.

TP: Off you go.

PT: Let's go do something.

CH: And... why are we together?

TP: Well, you're a dancer.

CH: Yes.

And my old man's a dancer, he's a tango man.

Actually, Cat's not a bad dancer, either.

Yeah, he's alright, but he's engaged now.

We're off.

CH: See you later.

PS: Cheers, bye.

VO: And now that's sorted, let's get this party started.

(PUPPET LAUGHS) How are you at dealing, doing a deal, are you hard?

Well, I... Do you want me to play good cop or bad cop?

It doesn't...

It's up to you really, it's up to you.

I can...

I'll try and get nasty and play bad cop.

Oh really - you want to play bad cop?

"No, I haven't got any cash.

Nope, sorry, no."

VO: As for the two Phils, they're not mucking about either.

They have £400 in hand, and are determined to spend it.

PS: I like that.

That's good, innit, yeah?

VO: Well, that was fast.

You know the little trolley in the front.. DEALER: Yeah.

PS: How much is that?

That is 350.

PT: 350.

DEALER: Do you know what it is?

It's like some sort of porter's wagon PS: from a railway or something.

DEALER: Nut trolley.

VO: Truly it is - it's from an American nut factory, and David says he sells at least one a week, as they make for rather a nice coffee table.

You couldn't do any a lot, lot better than that, cuz we're poor - like, he's from Surrey, I'm from Worcestershire, we haven't got any money.

Actually when you walked in, I immediately felt sorry for you, so you can have it for 300.

It is a bit barmy, I like that.

PT: I like the barmy stuff.

PS: I do, I do, I do.

VO: Me too, though at £300 it's a bit of gamble.

PS: You're gonna shoot me.

DEALER: Yeah.

I think at auction, it's gonna make, like, perhaps 150, 250.

Well, we've already sent one to auction.

PS: Where did it go?

DEALER: 450.

PS: Really?

DEALER: Yeah.

PS: Where did it go?

DEALER: Battle.

Yeah, but you see, we're not going there.

DEALER: Yeah.

I can't help that, though, can I?

VO: Uh-oh, they're quite tough here in Hastings.

Time for Phil Serrell to pull something out of his negotiating bag of tricks.

Shame you're not into jewelry, cuz we've got...

Jewelry is where it's at, really.

Well, we might have a little look in a minute, we might have a look in a minute, but... like, what was the...?

I mean, if we could do that for perhaps one and a half.

PT: How much have we got?

How much cash we got?

Hold on.

Just...

I'll turn round... What is the cash?

How much have we got?

We've got to buy two or three, haven't we?

PS: Hold on a minute.

Who's doing the counting, you?

PT: Yeah.

PS: How much have we got here?

PT: 40 quid, we got.

PS: 40 quid.

40 quid.

Jewelry's where you've got to go.

PT: Is it?

PS: Not trolleys?

Not trolleys.

I can get 4½ at auction for 'em.

I wanna buy that trolley.

Have a look in this cabinet over here.

Nah, we want the trolley.

VO: Thomas and Chris, meanwhile, have just arrived at Coach House Antiques.

CH: Oh, uniform, I like a... TP: You like a uniform, do you?

CH: Not in that way!

VO: Naughty.

TP: Hello.

I'm Thomas.

DEALER: Hello.

I'm Richard.

TP: Hi, Richard.

CH: I'm Chris, nice to meet you.

Hi Chris, nice to meet you.

TP: Can we have a look round?

DEALER: You're very welcome.

TP: Yeah?

DEALER: Yeah.

VO: Yeah, so as bad cop and, um... good cop... 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

VO: ..investigate the merchandise, they find themselves strangely drawn to this offender.

Ah, here we go.

So you've got to shake his hand, but you've got to squeeze it.

Right.

CH: Jealous!

TP: Jealous!

VO: OK then, Thomas's turn.

CH: Go for it.

CH: He's got a tough handshake.

TP: He is quite tough.

CH: Cold fish!

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Nonsense, Thomas.

I would've said you're at least tepid.

But let's talk about the two Phils, who try as they might, are having a hard time walking away from that £300 nut trolley.

I could see that in some... swanky... Chi-chi flat.

Couple of glasses of champagne on it, a few Vogue magazines.

Do you know what?

Yeah, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but what you've got to do is look at this in the cold light of day, in a saleroom on the floor, underneath a trestle table.

PT: What could you see that...?

Could you see that taking off, off?

Could you see a couple of people really wanting it and going for it?

If you've got a few people who really fancy that as a coffee table, you can see it making 400, 420, can't you?

But the issue is, if they're not there... PT: You get 100 quid.

PS: ..it gets 120 quid.

VO: So the moral of this story - forget the trolley and look for something else.

My thoughts exactly.

PS: We're gonna make you an offer.

DEALER: Make me an offer.

£200, can we buy it off you for 200 quid?

I cannot do it.

I can't do it.

That is my bottom line.

What do you wanna do, Tuffers?

Do you like it?

I do like it.

Well, look... 220, 220.

That's me going off on one here, look.

PS: 220.

PT: 220.

No, can't do it.

I tell you what I will do, though.

That's it, no less.

What are we there, what are we at?

PT: 230.

DEALER: You're at 230.

PS: 230.

PT: 230.

Come on.

DEALER: I can't do it.

PS: Tuffers... PT: Come on.

PS: Come on.

PT: Come on.

PS: And we'd love you forever.

You wouldn't love me forever.

Once you're out the door, you forget about me.

PT: No, we won't.

We won't.

PS: Trust me, we won't - this is gonna be ingrained in our memory, honestly.

DEALER: Who wants the sweaty hand?

PS: He can.

VO: Oh thank goodness for that!

Tuffers!

VO: Oh, trust those two to make a big production of it all and flim-flam.

Thomas and Chris, on the other hand, are thinking a military theme.

These are First World War death plaques, or the death penny, and these were awarded to the family, actually, cuz the soldier got his medals, and these were sent with the medals, but these were sent to the next of kin.

It says "he died for freedom and honor".

TP: The really, really valuable ones is when they say "she" instead of "him", cuz nurses died as well.

Sure, oh I see.

Cuz the interest in the First World War has gone stratospheric, and it's only gonna carry on going stratospheric for the next...

I'd say, the next good six, eight years, definitely, and beyond that I'm sure it will still carry on, because we're coming up to the 100 year anniversary.

VO: World War I was also the last campaign where memorial plaques such as these were inscribed with the recipient's name, and with all this choice, with detailed research on each soldier, the boys have a hard decision to make.

Well, this guy is called Fred Hagger, he was in the Cheshire regiment, died France and Flanders, 29th March 1917.

Haven't got his age, have we got his age?

Yes, 35.

35.

And he was married.

A year younger than me.

He's a carpenter.

And he had three children.

Did he?

Dear, oh dear.

He was from Hertfordshire, and it said it's Flanders.

1917 would have been, if it was Flanders, Ypres, Battle of Passchendaele... Yep.

Pretty hardcore.

CH: I feel as if I know him now.

Well, absolutely.

To have all of that as well I think is quite nice.

Do you want to sort of have a go for that?

I would like to go for that.

I think so, I mean, a bit somber, but I think certainly worth a punt.

VO: Well, there's no doubting these plaques are highly collectable, and so it all comes down to price, which on the ticket is at least £75.

I mean, there is always potential profit in these, definitely, but it all depends on what you can do movement-wise.

Yeah, well I've seen them sell for £100.

Well, yeah, yeah, so have I, but obviously, you know, we're looking for a really good deal here.

DEALER: (CHUCKLES) £60 is the best.

TP: Really?

DEALER: Yes.

TP: 50?

DEALER: No.

TP: Go on!

DEALER: No!

TP: Halfway.

DEALER: No!

65 then.

No, don't be like that.

Don't be like that.

Well... 55 then, yes, that's the death.

Is that the death?

On the death plaque, that is the death on the death plaque.

CH: I tell you what, I've been to Wimbledon, and I've watched tennis and I've been back and forth watching that, and that was like watching the final there.

My neck's gone!

But no, I actually really, really like those because there's a story behind it, I love a bit of history, and do you know what?

The fact is that I've been to quite a few auction houses, and I've never seen one.

Makes me excited.

VO: Having bought all of one item, the two Phils are taking a break from shopping and are heading east, as you do.

Their next stop is the seaside town of Hove, often described by visitors as Brighton, which is then followed with the locals' famous catchphrase, "Hove, actually."

VO: Not only is England's southeast coast the birthplace of cricket, here in Hove you'll also find world-renowned cricket bat makers Newbery, where the bats are still finished by hand, and naturally, these two can't resist a visit.

I'm really, really looking forward to this.

It's gonna be good.

VO: While cricket dates back to at least the year 1300, this story begins with a man called John Newbery, who learned from his father Len how to make the perfect cricket bat, and then passed those skills on to his apprentice, Tim Keely, who now runs the show.

PT: Hello, mate.

TIM: Hello, Phil.

How are you?

PT: Nice to see you.

TIM: Yeah, nice to see you.

I'm not arguing with you.

What is that?

Well, this is for testing the bats.

Come in and have a look, boys.

He's just pleased to see us!

VO: Not only is Tim the master bat maker here, he's personally made an incredible half a million bats in his lifetime.

Must be batty!

PS: I used to be a really bad cricketer, right, but I was told...

Same here!

PS: No, bad batter.

PT: Yeah.

I was told that the test or the gage of a good bat is you count the number of grains in the face.

TIM: Generally if cricket bats have got nice tight grains to 'em, they generally perform a lot better.

That's what this hammer was for in my pocket.

I thought you were... That's from the sound and the feel of 'em, if you pick up a cricket bat and listen to the sound of it... You listen to this... PT: That's a good sound.

TIM: Beautiful sound.

PT: That is a good sound.

TIM: Mellow.

And this one, listen to this one.

A little higher pitched, so the other one would be a better bat to use.

VO: As for the most important question - how is a cricket bat actually made?

- well, allow me.

First step, saw down a willow tree.

Then place in the drying kiln, and wait 12 weeks.

VO: Once the willow is dry... ..it needs to be shaped.

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

VO: Speaking of which, up until the 18th century, a cricket bat used to be shaped more like a hockey stick.

I know, I'm a mine of information.

I can read.

TIM: Beautiful.

PT: Look at that!

Look at the grain on this one.

So that's a good stick, isn't it?

These are both beautiful sticks.

VO: Next it's compressed, to make the timber a little tougher.

This machine here is squashing the fibers down.

Yeah.

This gives it its performance.

After you've pressed it, what happens next?

VO: Well, Philip, then it's time for the handle, which is a combination of manila cane and rubber - making it utterly flexible - then it's all spliced together, requiring a little animal glue and a hammer.

And there you go, Phil.

Look at that.

Ready to go.

That's ready to go.

Little tacky, it'll be ready tomorrow for bat making.

So... And that's where the proper work starts.

That's when the hand making comes in, yeah.

VO: That's because the real key to the modern cricket bat is weight distribution - something John Newbery helped pioneer in the 1970s.

TIM: So we take... PT: Look at that.

Not sure what sort of shape you want on there, lads, but if I emphasize the shape on this cricket bat to take some of the weight out of the toe so the bat picks up better.

PT: Yeah.

TIM: That's how we do that.

Would you like to have a go, Phil?

Love to.

There you go.

Take some weight out.

Lovely.

TIM: Mind those edges.

PT: Yeah.

I used to be a silversmith, you know, so I like working with my hands.

A little bit down the middle, take a bit of the middle out?

That's it, a little bit out the middle.

PT: Yeah, yeah.

TIM: Yeah.

VO: And if you thought it looked easy, I think Tuffers clearly demonstrates... TIM: Turn the spokeshave round, Phil.

VO: ..that it isn't.

Ha!

It's one of those fantastic English skills, isn't it?

Like coracle making or whatever it is.

It's a skilled job, this one.

This would take you some years to learn the whole process of cricket bat making.

So who follows you?

Phil's going pretty well here, I've got my eye on him.

He can come back any time!

I think you need to keep your eye on him!

I think I'm done there.

Not a bad job.

I think we could have done with a little bit lighter, Phil, but this bat will suit somebody, so we're gonna leave it like that.

There's someone out there with their name on it.

That's right, yeah.

VO: Perhaps someone with a wood burner!

PS: Off we go.

PT: There we go.

VO: Back in Hastings, Thomas and Chris have done the deal but still haven't decided which memorial plaque to buy, and now, they're going off on a tangent.

Uh-oh.

CH: What are these?

TP: That's a Christmas box from the First World War, 1914, given by Princess Mary to all the troops.

Now, these are the sort of things I absolutely love.

Not in a sort of morbid way.

And so this is a box that every single soldier would get?

Every single soldier got, Christmas 1914.

In here, you'd have a pouch of rolling tobacco, a pouch of just cigarettes, fags.

Some of them had a pencil in there, for...

Which was a 303 round, you'd take off the shell and it's got a pencil in there.

And a card from Princess Mary.

VO: Actually Thomas, there was one other item - chocolate.

And if you ask me, the Christmas tin is well worth considering.

That's extraordinary.

It is an extraordinary thing, I mean, it's a nice thing to add with it, I mean if you, if you want to add it on to the lot.

VO: Yeah, good idea.

But there's still some debate over which one to buy.

I think Chris is quite keen on this one here.

This is Lance Corporal James Patterson Tinning from Durham, and he enrolled at 17... ..and sadly died at 19.

That's so unfair, because 13th of November... ..he dies two days after the armistice.

That's right.

The trouble is, is now... Because it's become a personal story, I almost don't care about value, because I'm getting to know these individuals.

DEALER: You could have two for 100.

TP: Well, that's a good deal, isn't it?

Two for 100.

If we had them both, would you throw that in with it?

DEALER: No.

TP: Yes!

No.

Two for 100, and that for a tenner.

So it's 110.

And you could do the whole lot for 100 quid.

In the middle, 105, that's it.

I think I've got the wrong idea about this, I've ended up being on your side.

Yes, why's that?

I don't know, I got confused halfway through.

£100.

And five.

And... And... Grr!

£5 on it.

105, done.

Oh, thank you very much indeed.

OK!

VO: And with that, good cop and bad cop are ready to call it a day.

VO: With everything to play for, day two sees our experts... No, hang on, that's not them.

(DOG BARKS) VO: Oh, there they are.

..and our celebrities raring to go, because believe me, the boys are full of competitive spirit.

PT: Spent quite a few quid on our first item.

Have you?

So it could be shot down in flames, or do well.

You see, you're a bit of a... You like a bit of a gamble, don't you?

A bit of a gamble, I like a bit of a gamble.

CH: The thing is, I learnt a lot yesterday, cuz every time I pick up something, Thomas just gives me one of those looks, like, "Put it down, you fool, and carry on", but what I liked about him, he really does try and strike a hard bargain.

TP: We're playing a sort of good cop, bad cop thing, and you know... Do you need that?

Well, I'm quite a hard negotiator, and he's quite soft.

Tuffers and I are having a different approach.

What's that?

We're the bad cop, bad cop.

TP: Oh, are you?

PS: Yeah.

Neither of us know what we're doing.

VO: Well Philip, that explains everything, as so far you and Tuffers have spent £230 on just one auction lot - the infamous nut trolley-cum-coffee table.

Come on, come on.

Get on there!

Tuffers!

VO: Chris and Thomas, meanwhile, have held the purse-strings a little tighter, parting with £105 for their World War I collection.

105, done.

Oh!

VO: So, it's still anybody's game, and round two starts now.

PS: Thomas, you've just stroked my thigh.

TP: Did you like it?

PS: It's not nice.

VO: Enough of that, thanks.

Having begun this journey in Hastings and moved on to Hove, today we're meant to be en route to the town of Rye, but instead, Thomas and Chris are headed back to Hastings.

VO: Confused?

Don't be.

After all, how can the boys resist a visit to the Hastings Museum, which celebrates the life of a British hero - John Logie Baird - the man who invented television?

TP: Hello.

STEPHEN: Hi.

I'm Thomas.

Pleased to meet you, Thomas, I'm Stephen.

CH: I'm Chris.

STEPHEN: Hi, Chris.

Nice to see you.

VO: Originally from Scotland, Baird moved to Hastings to convalesce after a long bout of ill health, and despite being strapped for cash, he began to experiment... ..building the world's first working television out of such things as a hatbox, a pair of scissors, and a used tea chest.

CH: This is how it all came together, right?

STEPHEN: This is a replica of the kind of machine that he was playing with when he really got it to work in Hastings, and essentially people say well, he made it from old hat boxes and knitting needles and you know, he did.

You can see there's a bicycle gear... Oh yeah!

All sorts of stuff, because he had very little money.

There was a guy in London called Mr Bay, who was a cinema and radio entrepreneur, and he sent lots of bits and pieces that Baird needed, including his secret light cell that was a really important part of it.

VO: Sure enough, on October 2nd 1925, Baird successfully transmitted the first TV picture... ..the head of a ventriloquist's dummy named Stooky Bill.

How did people react to it, I mean, what happened?

They loved it, they were intrigued by it.

Within a couple of years of leaving Hastings, he was demonstrating it in Selfridge's department store, and people would queue up to see themselves on TV.

I tell you what makes me laugh, is when you said, you know, "And people were really fascinated "that they could see themselves on television".

It still happens now, when I'm broadcasting, and people are in the background going... And they go, "I'm on telly, I'm on telly!"

It still happens.

VO: Baird's next move was seeking publicity on a national scale, though when he approached the Daily Express, the editor assumed him to be a lunatic.

Fortunately, the canny Scot was undeterred, and within two years he achieved another world first - transmitting a television signal long distance.

Suddenly, it seemed like all things were possible.

I think I know what it is.

But just confirm it.

It's the first telly.

The first telly, and it's dated on here 1930.

When did he do his first experiment?

1924, he's succeeding, starting to succeed, so it's just a few years.

So, six years, and we're in production.

Made by... Professional company who had taken over his work by then, and they were selling these for about £30, which you might be earning three or four pounds a week at that time, so quite a big investment.

CH: You said he was an entrepreneur.

STEPHEN: Yeah.

And he's invented probably one of the most popular things to hit the modern world - did he make any money out of it?

Baird himself, not really.

The problem was that to go from that to the next step up required a huge amount of investment, and that's when the investors move in, it becomes Baird Television Ltd, and there was even a point when he was basically thrown off the board, because he wasn't moving in the direction they wanted to go.

VO: With the outbreak of war in 1939, television broadcasting in Britain was completely shut down, and Baird's company eventually went bankrupt, but despite the setbacks, he continued to refine the technology right up to his death in 1946.

Before he died, he had experimented with and demonstrated color television, high resolution television, and even 3D television... No!

..that we get today.

Absolutely.

TP: No way.

STEPHEN: Successful.

And so he saw the whole thing, he saw it happen.

3D TV?

No way!

Absolutely.

VO: Yes, without a doubt, John Logie Baird was a man ahead of his time - not only are his innovations still shaping our favorite form of entertainment, but thanks to him, I'm on at least five nights a week.

Ha-ha!

VO: Our next stop - the ancient town of Rye, which from the middle ages was one of Britain's most historic ports.

For more than 300 years, it's from this vantage point that England defended its borders against everyone from Viking invaders to the French.

And when the warships moved out, the smugglers moved in.

So what better place to send this group of rogues?

Morning, we're ready to go.

We're ready to go.

Round two.

We're gonna go this way, you go that way.

VO: .. who today will plunder the town's many antique shops, starting with Strand Quay Antiques, where the two Phils are all about strategy.

What's our plan then, Phil?

You said a plan...

The plan, Tuffers, is we haven't got a plan at the minute.

VO: See?

Told you so.

PT: Oh, silver forks.

PS: Really?

Now, I used to be a silversmith for my dad.

PS: Really?

PT: Yes.

And my first job I got was I went down into the workshop, and there must have been about 2,000 of these all with the prongs bent and everything, and all the ends, and me old man said, "Right, first job, you've got to straighten all the prongs out "and the file the ends, "and then put a file across the top "to make them a bit sharper."

So we don't want any of them.

No, but I'm interested now.

I've had my fill of silver forks!

VO: Fair enough.

But as Phil Serrell scans the shelves of this lovely store, suddenly the neurons begin firing.

Tuffers, I've just come up with a plan.

PT: Yeah.

PS: Sporting goods.

We should buy something sporting, shouldn't we?

Why not?

Have you got anything sporty, my love, please?

DEALER: Um... PS: Cricket bats.

DEALER: Cricket bats?

No... PS: Footballs, rugby balls.

I've got some bowls.

PS: Bowls?

PT: Bowls.

Bowls!

VO: Bowls!

Well, thank goodness for Kim.

Let's plonk 'em on here, shall we?

I like those.

Yeah, they are, these are lignum vitae.

PT: Sorry?

PS: Lignum vitae, tree of life.

PT: Tree of life, right.

Now, there's a story.

What they used to do is scrape the bark off this tree and drink it as tea.

And the natives in the West Indies or wherever this comes from used to reckon that it cured certain antisocial diseases that sailors took there.

Oh, OK. Don't know whether it worked or not.

Have you got the white, have you got the jack?

PS: The jack.

DEALER: No.

I'll tell you what the real pity is with these - this is only half a set, because this is... That's number one, that's number two, that's number three and that's number four.

And there should be two ones, two twos, two threes, two fours, PS: cuz you've got... DEALER: I have got the others.

PS: You've got the other set?

DEALER: Yes.

PS: Where are they?

DEALER: In the other shop.

PS: In the other shop?

DEALER: Yes.

How much are these?

I haven't looked at the price of these first.

Ouch, £48, basket not included.

VO: Yes indeed.

Add the rest of the set - cue Kim's husband, Richard.

Ah, thank you, darling.

Lovely.

VO: Something he's laid earlier.

And we're looking at around £100, which means it's once again time for Philip Serrell's bag of tricks.

Cuz it's all down to price for us, isn't it?

And I know that this good lady's...

These ones were 65.

So about £100 for the five?

We couldn't do that.

We could do half that.

No!

I've got to make something on them.

Um... what about... 80?

I'll tell you what, we'll make you our best shot one-off deal.

PS: Alright?

PT: Here we go, go on.

Best shot.

This is a one-off deal.

DEALER: Once and only.

PT: There's two.

PS: There's four.

PT: There's four.

And I'm afraid... that's gonna be it, my love.

DEALER: That's gonna be it?

PS: Yeah.

PT: 60 quid.

DEALER: Oh dear.

VO: No, not dear, expensive.

I think it may be time for the old "I know you've got to make a profit but..." speech.

And I know you've got to make a profit.

Yeah.

But honestly, I think... Where I'm coming from is this - I think if we pay 60 for them, and if we put them into auction at 80-120 and if they go and make £80, by the time you've taken the commission off, which we have to pay, if they make £80, we've made like six quid, and I know that's no relevance to you at all, but we've got to just try... We're up against... Alright, alright, you've convinced me, you've convinced me!

So is that alright, my love?

Yes.

Aw, thank you very much, give us a kiss.

PS: Yeah.

PT: Thank you, darling.

PS: Thank you very much my love.

PT: I like those.

Oh!

Oh dear.

There we are, my love.

Thank you very much.

PT: Thank you very much indeed.

DEALER: Thank you.

Now I suppose you want something to carry them in.

Tuffers, I'm pleased with...

I hadn't thought about that.

You might as well take the baskets.

Oh, you are an angel.

What a lovely... VO: As for the competition, their game plan is... look for the wow factor.

CH: We want wow factor.

TP: We do want wow factor.

We've got to think outside the box.

CH: I've just found the FA Cup.

TP: Have you?

Yeah, you don't often find that.

It's actually a tankard with all the FA Cup winners on it.

TP: Hm.

No.

VO: Mind you, Chris is currently finding out what the rest of us have known for years.

The Cheery Bowler.

It's a lot of money.

No.

VO: Thomas Plant is a very difficult man to please.

CH: What about that thing there?

TP: No.

CH: No.

TP: No.

No.

See?

"No, no, no".

Well, supposedly, according to Tom, we are looking for something with the wow factor, and I keep picking up stuff with the "eurgh" factor... ..according to him.

TP: No, no, no.

VO: No.

And so, with Chris's spirits suitably crushed, it's off to Halcyon Days.

CH: What's that?

TP: No.

VO: No?

He means yes.

Thomas has fallen in love in an anchor, though just quietly, Chris hates it.

A bit of fun.

It says "not from Titanic"!

TP: It doesn't matter!

That is a bit of fun.

What do you think?

Um... VO: I told you - he hates it.

Well.

Let's have a look at it, let's have a look.

Big old heavy cast iron anchor.

It's very, very heavy.

You seem surprised that an anchor's heavy.

Yeah, but... That's what I'm worried about.

You are supposed to be the knowledgeable one here.

I know I'm meant to be the know... Well, am I really?

I mean, it's got a bit of age.

It's not brand new, I don't think.

CH: No.

TP: I mean, you know, it's...

It's a bit mad.

Mm.

Hm?

You've got to buy the mad things.

Mad or bad?

No, you've got to buy the maddest thing, cuz it's got to appeal, it's got to be showy, do you know what I mean?

I... No, I get showy.

VO: Thomas's next move - ignore everything Chris has just said.

I'm quite keen on the anchor.

DEALER: Oh right, yes.

TP: Quite keen on the anchor.

DEALER: Mmm.

But not keen on the price tag on it.

VO: And of course, make Maureen an offer.

DEALER: It's £8 off.

TP: Could you...?

45.

Couldn't you do any more than that?

Well, it isn't mine - that's the thing.

Oh, right, OK. You wouldn't do it for 35?

No, definitely not, no.

What about 40 then?

DEALER: Possibly 40.

TP: Possibly 40.

If you're getting it for 40, you're getting a bargain.

TP: Do you think so?

DEALER: I do indeed.

Let me look at your eyes, are you trustworthy?

I am trustworthy, I think you'll guess that.

I am very trustworthy.

She is trustworthy.

What do you think?

I mean, it has grown...

I must admit, I've messed about and I didn't like it originally, but it has grown on me.

It's a showy thing.

It is a showy thing.

And it is unusual, I'll give you that.

It's unusual, it's big, there's not gonna be another one TP: in the auction.

CH: No.

TP: I think I want to go for it, do you want to go for it?

CH: Yeah.

WE wanna go for it.

TP: We wanna go for it.

DEALER: You want to go for it.

TP: I do.

DEALER: You want to go for it.

Go for it, I'm there.

VO: So, in summary, I think they're going to go for it.

Right, Chris?

CH: Wasn't the wow factor I'm looking for.

It has worked on me.

Still not convinced.

But I've got to believe in him, haven't I?

VO: Yep.

And now the boys have their little piece of wow - as chosen and approved by Thomas - it's off to Strand Quay Antiques.

CH: Aha!

PT: Here we go.

CH: Hello, boys.

PT: How are we?

PS: How've you got on?

CH: Hm!

PT: Oh!

PS: What do you mean, "oh"?

CH: Got an itchy nose.

Have you bought anything, have you got anything?

Um, we may have made a purchase.

OK. You know you said you made a big gamble... PT: Yes.

CH: Yesterday?

You've taken one.

We've seen yours and we've raised you one.

PT: Have you?

PS: In that case, we're gonna go for it now.

We'd better go for it.

Have you done this shop?

PS: Tuffers, let's go.

TP: Have you done this, yeah?

PT: We'll leave you to it.

Good luck, good luck.

We don't want your rejects.

They're going.

Tuffers, just show me the glide again as we go out, Tuffers.

The Come Dancing glide.

Sensational!

Se-ven!

PT: Se-ven!

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Coast now clear, Chris has already spotted something he likes.

Look at that.

VO: But what - we all ask - will Thomas say?

You can either go, "Putting on my top hat..." Or it's the... Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

TP: (LAUGHS) Isn't it?

What do you think?

I think you look rather fetching in that, that is quite good.

You reckon?

Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Yeah.

VO: Yeah, but how will it fare at an auction in Chiswick?

CH: So, 1961.

TP: Mm.

Er...

I don't recognize that name, do you?

I mean, there are no famous fez makers.

No, no, but the arrow means that it's military.

The fact it could be military issue, does that not make it more collectable?

Yeah, hugely more collectable, yeah, absolutely, and we've already got that military theme running through our purchases.

I think it's 20-something pounds.

£28.

I want it for nothing.

Do you wanna do the bad cop thing?

I'll give it a go.

Do you wanna give it a go or are you not that keen?

Well, I'm not that good at being a bad cop.

You do it very well!

I'm quite...

I'm normally the nice guy, you know.

I'd hate to see the bad cop!

TP: (LAUGHS) VO: Well Thomas, if the shoe fits.

I would like to give you a figure.

Now, understandably you don't have to take it, but I always like to start you somewhere, and then we can sort of finish somewhere.

How does £15 sound?

Nope.

A good price.

OK.

So we've got 28, you're offering me 15, I'll compromise, I'd do it for 18.

£18?

DEALER: Yeah.

TP: What do you think?

DEALER: That's cash.

TP: Oh, it will be cash.

CH: It'll be cash.

DEALER: Fine.

TP: I promise you.

Yeah, we haven't got any credit anywhere, have we?

TP: No we haven't.

(THEY LAUGH) It's got to be cash!

I think that is a wonderful gesture, £18.

I think it's a wonderful gesture, and it's great fun.

DEALER: OK, sold.

TP: Is that alright?

DEALER: Yeah, that's fine.

CH: Thank you very much.

CH: That's fantastic.

DEALER: Thank you.

CH: Thank you, sir.

DEALER: Thank you.

Thank you very much, it's a very fun item.

I know it's moth-eaten, but it's gonna make people smile.

True, true.

And I didn't even have to come in with my bad cop.

You didn't have to come in with your bad cop.

I was ready there.

Were you ready?

I had a stretch of my hamstrings, and I was in!

But it was... great, man.

Here we are, there's 20.

DEALER: There's 20.

Thank you.

TP: Thank you very much.

VO: Determined to spend every penny of their £400 stake, the two Phils are now trying their luck at Quay Antiques.

This looks a good spot, Phil.

It's full of stuff, isn't it?

VO: Earlier in the day, the competition were also browsing this very shop, and right up to the point Thomas said no, Chris was extremely keen on this wee item.

See, I'm just thinking, Tuffers, here, we've got to think creatively, haven't we?

So I think that's worth five to 10 quid.

Right.

But if Tuffers signs it, it might be worth 20-30 quid.

Perhaps if you could sign the back?

"Best wishes, Phil Tufnell".

A cheeky bowler.

PS: Yeah, a cheeky bowler.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Oh, that definitely is, isn't it?

Don't you think?

That's what we're gonna do, yeah.

Alright.

But it's got to come to five to 10 quids' worth.

I bet you he won't sell it to us for less than 25, 30 quid, and we don't want it, and we walk away.

PS: We'll be firm and hard.

PT: We will.

VO: Don't worry, Philip - I'm sure you'll charm the pants off Norman here.

Well, figuratively speaking.

DEALER: Hello, hello.

Hello.

How are you going?

PS: A cheery bowler.

PT: Yes.

PS: We quite like that.

DEALER: Mm-hm.

But at £40, we've got more chance of rowing to the moon, we really have.

I think at auction, that's £10-20 worth.

Unfortunately here, it's all different traders you see, so I can only do so much.

Yeah, so we could like do...

I could do... 30 would be his best - because it belongs to other traders, you see.

No, we couldn't do that.

We would like to buy it.

Can I make a suggestion?

Could you ring the guy up, we'll go and have a look round, ring the guy up and explain to him what we're doing, and if he'd take 15 quid, we'd love to buy if off him.

DEALER: I'll try, but I say... PS: Do your best.

I'm not hopeful.

Tell him you've got two hard-up people, poor, incredibly poor.

I mean, we can't even afford new cars, can we?

VO: Yes, it's quite the sob story, though just one problem - old Norm can't seem to find the dealer's phone number.

Go for an executive decision.

Cuz that to me looks like that's a suspiciously old label, that's been here years.

I tell you what, 15 quid then, that's our... How's that, then?

Money on the table.

Good man, get in there, Tuffers!

Have I said yes?

Did I say yes?

Did I say yes?

PS: I'm quite pleased with that.

PT: I think that's inspired.

VO: While the two Phils have blown almost every penny, the competition still have £240, which Thomas won't let Chris spend.

We don't have to buy anything - you don't have to buy a sausage.

Yeah, but I think that's the chicken's way out.

VO: That's right, and can I just say, speculation is the point of this contest?

So go ahead Chris, buy something nice.

Tom, we've got a tantalus.

VO: Oh - perhaps not £395 nice.

Mm!

Press the button.

CH: Aww.

See, that's my idea of paradise.

Is it popular?

They are quite popular, but... CH: Are they?

TP: ..with a 1 in front of it.

CH: Oh.

TP: Yeah.

(WHISPERS) Do you think she'd do anything on that?

That's asking a bit much, isn't it?

No, you could try for every single last penny.

But I think you might lose money.

VO: I quite agree.

Though this time, it's Chris who gets his way.

DEALER: But the colleagues of mine have got the tantalus.

Oh, right, are they up for a deal?

Well, I don't know, cuz they're...

I can phone them and find out.

Oh!

Can I ring them?

I'll get hold of them and you can speak to them.

Oh, that'd be great.

VO: But Julie needs to be fast, because just outside, the enemy is approaching.

PT: Oh, they're quite nice.

How old would they be?

I don't... Lord knows.

I should think these are the property of some hospital in about 1953, aren't they?

The leather's had it.

Yeah, leather's had it, that's a shame.

£16.50.

I think they're a fiver, Tuffers, aren't they?

You reckon they're a fiver?

They've got a little wingnut on this, they're adjustable.

Yeah, they've just... Oh-arr!

Oh-arr!

Jim lad.

Behind you!

Behind you!

Pieces of eight!

Pieces of eight!

TP: Can you listen to that noise out there?

I can hear them making a racket.

CH: Spoiling our business.

Spoiling our fun.

VO: And now they're coming in.

Remember Julie, not a word about the tantalus.

How are you doing?

Alright?

We're just doing some nice quiet business in a cordial fashion.

Are you hiding something behind there?

What?

Where?

Hello?

Ooh, ooh, hello.

DEALER: Jane?

PS: Higher, higher!

Well, we've got everybody in here.

Would like to have a word with you about your tantalus.

PS: Oh!

PT: Tantalus... VO: Oh, nice one, Julie.

We'll come back and see you in a minute.

VO: So as his mentor looks on, this is finally Chris's chance to buy something he chose himself.

Just wondering whether you could do us a deal.

Right.

OK. Ah.

And there's nothing you can do on that at all?

Lovely to speak to you.

Rubbish.

Best she could...

Unfortunately, I think the best she could do is 340.

VO: In other words, it's time to take their £240 elsewhere, although I'm sure you can guess how this story ends.

I see another hat over there.

TP: No.

Trunks.

Mmm.

No.

No.

VO: Anyway, two people who ARE prepared to spend money are Serrell and Tuffers.

PS: These... PT: (LAUGHS) I've got to be... Can I be really truthful with you?

Go on, then.

These lousy little crutches look completely out of context with all the rest of your wonderful stock, so...

So you want a really good price on the crutches now.

Will you take the change that we've got in our pockets?

No, cuz it's probably about 10p!

No, no, I promi... No, I can promise you, it's more than that, look, and that's only one of them!

There's more to come.

PT: There you are.

PS: Right.

And how much is on the ticket?

Well, I don't know, we don't look at tickets.

I think it says £16.50.

I don't think £1.90 is gonna do it, somehow.

I tell you what, there's a one-off offer coming, right?

Go on then.

I'll put this back in my pocket.

PT: Take the change back.

PS: Take the change back.

There's a one off offer coming, and this is a...

Pair of crutches.

What are we doing with a pair of crutches?

Limp!

Listen, do you agree with that or not?

Give it, why not?

Right, there we are then.

That's it, finished.

Go on then, I'll take a fiver for 'em.

PT: Fiver.

PS: Are you sure?

DEALER: Yeah.

PT: You're a wonderful woman.

Do you know what, Tuffers?

I think we've been mugged off here.

(THEY LAUGH) I think we've been completely mugged off, mate.

I hope you make a profit on them.

Thank you, love.

Yeah, we'll let you know.

Thank you!

PT: Thank you very much.

PS: Thank you.

VO: And with that, the last of the big spenders limp off into the sunset.

Get them bowls out the back of the car.

Yeah!

That's what we need, we need the bowls.

We do.

Some of them might need your crutches.

VO: Capital thinking, boys, but right now, it's time for a little show and tell.

Look.

How good are they?

Look, real wood.

Yeah, not fake wood!

That's good!

Or plastic.

I like the fact they're adjustable.

Yes, that's good.

How much did you pay for them?

I hope not... How much do you think we paid for them?

Er, £15.

Yours, sir, well done.

No, I'm not!

That was a tenner!

A fiver.

Fiver.

Oh, that's good.

£2.50 each.

Yeah, she was robbed.

We were.

This is our first item, we bought... it's a little lot.

Now... OK, we've had a bit of fun.

This is a sobering, a sobering item.

These are death plaques for the First World War.

If you were killed in the First World War, your family were sent a plaque.

You really loved the story.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't...

I got a bit involved with this.

I'm fascinated by things that you can touch that's real history, so... PT: Yeah.

I like that.

PS: Yeah.

Yeah.

A bit of history.

Yeah, no, no - good stuff.

VO: As for Phil's next buy, I think these two might just recognize it.

The Cheery Bowler.

(THEY EXCLAIM) CH: We saw that.

Did ya?

We think...

I just looked at Tuffers, right... Look at the 'taches on them!

We saw this.

PT: That's not you, Phil, is it?

No, no, I haven't got a mustache.

We loved that, didn't we?

What do you think that's worth?

Well, we saw the price on it, 40 quid, and we just dismissed it, because... We just walked off.

..it's straight out of the book, we thought "Oh God, it's got to be worth a tenner."

Well, we thought it was worth 10 or 15, until... we thought you could perhaps put a bit of added value, didn't we?

Oh no.

You've only paid quite literally the joker card.

Shall I?

"Best wishes..." PS: "Best wishes."

Yeah, yeah.

PT: "Best wishes."

VO: Oh well - all's fair in love and antiques.

Freddie Flintoff.

£4.50!

It's gonna make 30 quid, isn't it?

It's gonna...

Yes.

Now Tuffers has signed it, it's gonna come up and they're all gonna giggle and it's gonna make 50 quid.

VO: But can the same be said for this?

CH: What is it?

PS: We're in Rye.

We're in Rye.

Don't start.

Harbor and docks, right?

And you've bought an anchor to take to Chiswick.

Yep.

OK.

There's a lot of wharves in London.

A lot of wharves!

Wharves.

A lot of wharves.

It's a decorator's thing.

Don't you think?

PT: It's a big 'un.

TP: It's heavy.

PT: It's a big 'un.

The thing is, it's not too big, it's not too small...

It's a good, showy object.

It didn't cost a great deal of money.

How much?

I reckon 50 quid.

What is it, there's between 50-100 quid's worth of scrap there.

Yeah, 40 notes, £40.

Fine, isn't it?

That's home and hosed.

Yeah, home and hosed, and that's what you've got to think about - profit, profit, profit.

Oh!

What do you think to those?

CH: Ah!

I used to be a BBC bowls correspondent.

PT: Did you?

CH: Yes.

Yeah, we got eight.

We found them in two different shops.

You're kidding me?

No.

And the one... And they're all paired up.

They're lignum vitae, aren't they?

Yes.

The only wood which doesn't... PS: Float.

TP: ..float.

VO: Now, Thomas and Chris's next purchase comes complete with... "Ha-ha-ha".

VO: It's a very bad Tommy Cooper impersonation.

Oh, it's a tall one.

Isn't it?!

Yeah, it is.

I've never seen one that tall before - have you?

And if you say it suits me... That's a belter.

VO: Ha.

And we can guarantee that anyone who tries this fez on will be compelled to do this... What is it that makes you do that?!

"Light bulb.

Heavy bulb".

(THEY CHUCKLE) Here we are, I can see something lurking.

VO: And for Tuffers' next trick, he's pulling a nut trolley out of a nearby bush.

Oh, I'll move the table.

Exactly, move the table, and make way for... CH: For a little... PT: ..for the coffee table.

Oh, I like it.

And these are new tops, which he's put on for a coffee table.

Nice splinter sort of action there, isn't it?

I like that.

Well, we were sort of stuck on 300 forever and a day.

That's a lot of wood for 300 quid, isn't it?

Well, it cost us 230.

CH: (GASPS) Ooh.

PT: What d'you reckon?

PS: And I'm not sure.

Tom, I said on a really bad day, this could make £100-120, couldn't it?

Not a chance.

You don't think so?

Not a chance, it's gonna do well.

I reckon that's gonna get... 350 at the auction.

That'd be fantastic.

Well, this is great.

I think we've all bought items with profit in them.

PS: Be good, wouldn't it?

TP: Well, it would be lovely.

Yours has bought more profit in them.

VO: But enough of the niceties - what do our contestants really think?

I think the only thing I would like of theirs would have been the trolley.

But would you have paid 230 for it?

CH: No.

TP: No.

CH: Do you know why?

TP: Why not?

Because you wouldn't have let me!

Ah, no!

(CHUCKLES) Do you think I've been tight?

Yes!

Really?

Very tight, but I have enjoyed it, cuz it was like every time, "No."

"What about 140?"

"Oh!"

That's what you do - "oh!"

I love the fez, I think it's brilliant.

I'd buy it.

I would.

I'd do the barbecuing in it.

The most they can lose is like 30-50 quid, and the most they can make is perhaps 150, so we've taken a much bigger gamble.

But we are... We are the gamble team.

VO: After first revving our engines in Hastings, this celebrity road trip comes to end in Chiswick, and in case you hadn't heard... that's Old English for "Cheese Farm".

But enough from me - we've got an auction to go to.

And at this very second, Philip Serrell, Thomas Plant, Chris Hollins and Phil Tufnell are descending upon Chiswick Auctions, all hoping to make a small fortune.

Ah, gents.

Partner, how are you?

CH: Oppo.

PS: Oppo, how are you?

PT: How are you mate?

TP: Are you nervous?

A little bit nervous, yeah, a little... A little bit worried about a few items.

TP: What do you think?

PS: I'm not nervous at all.

I'm... terrified, absolutely completely terrified.

We feel OK, cuz we haven't got a lot to lose, cuz we didn't spend much, did we?

We were mean, I was mean with the purse strings.

You were definitely mean.

I think we might need our crutches.

They might do.

They're gonna go nuts for our trolley!

CH: Hey!

PS: Ah, get out of here.

VO: Both teams began this journey with £400 in the coffers, and two days on, Team Tufnell has played an aggressive game, spending £310 on four auction lots.

Thank you very much, give us a kiss.

VO: Team Hollins, meanwhile, has played it safe, parting with just £163 for three auction lots, though, as Thomas likes to say, the bottom line is profit, profit, profit.

VO: So on that note, how does auctioneer Tom Keane rate our competitors' chances?

You know what?

Today for me is going to be real hard work.

They bought some real tough lots to sell, and some quirky things too.

Now, we've cataloged the trolley as a coffee table, hoping someone would see what we see in it.

It's quite a nice thing.

A fantastic piece of engineering, but what's it gonna make?

It's really heavy, people can't lift it.

I think the best buy of the day is Chris and Thomas - the World War I medallions.

They've got the soldiers' names on them, they're quite a collector's item now.

I have sold them for £50, £80 each, and with a bit of paperwork, I have made 150 each on them, so that could be the star lot.

VO: So without further ado, let the auction begin.

I tell you what it's like, it's like waiting to go out to bat with a couple of fast bowlers there.

VO: Tuffers, the waiting is over and first up it's your pair of adjustable wooden crutches.

What are these worth?

£30?

£10?

PS: It's gone very quiet, Tuffers.

Start me £10, £10.

VO: 50p anyone?

10, thank you, at 10, 12, £10.

The bidder at £10.

At £10, at 10, who'll give me 12?

At 10, at £10.

At £10.

Give me 12.

Get in there.

Thank you, 15.

Give me 13.

13, bid at 13, who wants 14?

£13.

Take 14, at 13.

Done at £13, gonna sell it at 13, selling and going.

13.

Well done.

That's alright, isn't it, yeah?

TP: It's a profit.

£13.

PS: Yeah, that'll do.

VO: Oh well, at least the two Phils will be walking away - ha!

- with an £8 profit, before commission, that is.

VO: Next, it's the auction lot that inspired one bad Tommy Cooper impersonation after another - it's Thomas and Chris's military fez.

I've got a commission bid on it, I'm bid £12, give me 14 now, I'm bid at 12, give me 14, at 12, give me 14, at £12.

14, thank you, 16.

18.

20.

20, 22.

24.

The bidder at £22, 23, at £22, got to go at 22, selling, all done at £22.

PT: I like that.

TP: Still a profit.

PT: Yeah.

TP: Minute.

That is for nothing.

TP: It is for nothing.

CH: Profit?

£4?

VO: That's right, Chris, most of which will disappear in commission... "just like that!"

Ha.

VO: Moving on now to Phils' lignum bowls - maybe these will finally get the bidders of Chiswick rolling.

What are they worth, £100?

£30, give it a go, £30, I'm bid at 30, give me 32, at £30.

What did we pay?

At £30... two, 35.

35, 38, 40.

42.

45.

48.

48, 50.

At £48, you want 50 over there.

50, 55.

60.

65.

70.

At 65, it's bid at 65, you want 70 now?

At £65, are we done?

I'm selling at 65, your last chance if you want to bid.

At 65 and gone.

10 quid off, that's just lost us a fiver.

VO: Oh well, better than a slap in the eye with a wet kipper, though just when, you ask, can things get any worse?

Try now.

Along comes Thomas and Chris's anchor.

£100 for it?

£50 for it then, please.

£50.

£30.

I'm going slow, cuz his arm's getting tired.

(LAUGHTER) £20 to go over the boat, the ship's anchor, at 20 bid, 22, 22, 25.

25, 28.

28, 30.

32.

35.

38.

At £35, we're on a bid at 35, for the ship's anchor at 35.

Take 38, at £35, who else wants to bid me?

At £35.

35 and going, all done.

£35.

I reckon it scrapped at more than that.

Yeah, it did.

VO: And so yet another auction lot sinks without a trace, or a Sharon, which puts the two Phils into first place.

Mind you, there's only a couple of pounds in it.

VO: Though perhaps the Cheery Bowler, as signed by one Mr Phil Tufnell, can finally bring in the moolah.

Do you get £100 a signature, Tuffers?

Usually.

£20 for it, £20 for it.

Signature's worth that.

£10 for it.

10, I'm bid, at 10, give me 12, at 12 bid, at 15.

15 bid at 15, you want 18.

18, 20.

You're in profit.

£18, £18, it's signed, 20.

22.

22, 25.

VO: My gosh, the unbridled power of celebrity - it's thrilling!

No?

At £28 it's bid there, at 29 there.

30 there.

Gimme 32.

35.

38.

40.

40, 42.

42.

45.

48.

50.

52.

55.

58.

New bid at £55, bid's in at £55, all done at £55, gonna go at 55, all sure finished at 55 then.

Your bid at 55.

171, £55.

Well done, Tuffers, that's it.

VO: Now that's more like it - a £40 profit before commission.

Hoping they really have saved the best until last, Thomas and Chris present their World War I collection.

Start me low, at £50 please, £50.

Thank you, bid at £50, 55, 55.

60... five.

70... five.

80... five.

90... five.

95, 100.

110.

120.

130.

140.

Well done, Thomas.

At 130, bid at 130, 140 there.

Thank you, hands everywhere.

150.

160.

170.

180.

190.

200.

At 190, bid at 190, take two now, at 190, give me two for it.

At one... 200's bid, new bidder.

210.

Hand goes down, at £200, £200, give me 210, at £200, give me 210.

At £200.

All done at £200, your last chance, sold at £200, you're out.

All out, £200, gone.

VO: It's a much-needed win for Thomas and Chris, putting them firmly into first place.

VO: But this party ain't over yet - the two Phils have invested £230 in this nut trolley-cum-coffee table, and they're hoping the good people of Chiswick really will go nuts for it.

Have you signed that?

Yeah, I will do.

VO: The good news is, there have been several commission bids, so cross your fingers, lads.

I've got one, two, three, four commission bids.

Get in there!

I knew we'd make money.

TOM: But don't get too excited.

PS: Oh, right.

I'll tell you what all the bids are...

I've got a bid of £120.

VO: Oh.

I've got a bid of £125.

VO: That's not too good.

And I've got two bids both of £140 each.

VO: Anyone care for a sweet sherry?

I've got £140, anyone 150, 140, bid at 140.

Take 150 for it.

At 140.

Worth more.

140, 150.

It should be worth more than this.

£140, you want 150, £140, are we done?

At 140.

That's the money so far, at 140.

All done at 140?

It goes at 140, bid now if you want to, at 140?

Commission bid gets it.

Oh mate, I am actually genuinely gutted there.

VO: Well, they came, they saw, they lost £90 on a nut trolley - but you have to admire their spirit of adventure.

PT: (CHUCKLES) Well done.

Thomas.

Well done.

Chris.

VO: So, rather than fortune favoring the bold, the two Phils have made an overall loss of £86.14, which means they end their road trip with £313.86.

Meanwhile, Chris may have been frustrated by Thomas playing it safe, but it's worked a treat.

After commission, they've earned a profit of £47.74, giving them a winning total of £447.74.

Well done.

Oh.

Oh, I'm glad that's over.

That was nerve-racking.

Well done, well played, team.

Commiserations, Cat.

You deserved to win.

Well done, sir.

Well done.

Bad luck.

It's been really good fun.

Rematch?

Rematch, definitely, any time.

Any time you want.

VO: Yep, it's been a quite a journey, and I don't know about you, but I feel a montage coming on!

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS) VO: All the money our celebrities and experts make on this series will go to Children In Need.

So thank you, everyone - especially today's winners, Chris Hollins and Thomas Plant.

See ya.

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