NARRATOR: The nation's favorite celebrities.

We are special, anyway.

Oh that's excellent.

NARRATOR: Paired up with an expert-- We're a very good team, you and me.

NARRATOR: --and a classic car.

Their mission, to scour Britain for antiques.

I have no idea what it is.

Oh I love it.

NARRATOR: The aim?

To make the biggest profit at auction.

Yes!

NARRATOR: But it's no easy ride.

There's no accounting for taste.

NARRATOR: Who will find a hidden gem?

Who will take the biggest risks?

Will anybody follow expert advice?

Do you like them?

No.

NARRATOR: There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.

Are you happy?

Yes, ecstatic.

NARRATOR: Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] (SINGING) Bing bam bong, bing bam ba-bong-- NARRATOR: Today's celebrities are two top notch actors, who also happened to be a married couple.

Oh!

KEVIN: If you keep showing me how to drive, darling, I'm going to slap that hand.

NARRATOR: Can you tell?

PHYLLIS: They're almost driving the car in front.

They keep going like this, up, up down, down.

NARRATOR: Meet Phyllis Logan and Kevin McNally.

Now I'm not really, as you know, competitive by nature.

But-- Silent guffaw.

--I want to win.

And not only do I want to win, I want to destroy you, and I want to break all records in terms of profit.

What kind of talk is that?

[KEVIN CHUCKLES] Dear wife, I want to destroy you.

You already have, darling.

NARRATOR: Our celebrity couple have certainly got today's experts in a bit of a lava.

Auctioneers Mark Stacey and Thomas Plant.

Pirates.

We're very lucky-- MARK: We're very lucky.

To get to meet a proper Hollywood stars.

Hollywood stars!

Red carpet stars!

I know.

A-listers.

NARRATOR: No wonder, because Kevin, who's more usually seen these days in The Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and BAFTA winning Phyllis, who starred in such powerful dramas as Secrets and Lies, are also very familiar from our TV screens.

I love Downton Abbey.

I bet you do.

I love Downton Abbey.

I'm there with my slice of toast and cup of tea in the evening, watching Downton.

And of course, she played Lady Felsham in Lovejoy.

NARRATOR: Yes, as well as being TV's Mrs. Hughes on Sunday evenings, Phyllis played alongside Ian McShane in the 1980 series about a naughty-but-nice antique dealer.

Do you remember?

PHYLLIS: Should we have a wee bit on the side, just between us?

Oh I think we should.

Yeah.

Right.

So if you don't double your money, you're putting the bins out for the next six months.

All right, it's a deal.

And if I do double my money-- PHYLLIS: Yeah?

What?

You make breakfast every day for the next six months.

What about when I'm working, darling?

You have to get up especially early.

And how do you think your experiences in Lovejoy will help you?

Probably not at all.

NARRATOR: The stakes are already high on this road trip.

Celebrities and experts are deep in the Kent countryside of the Garden of England, driving a 1960s Mark 2 Jaguar, and a 1990s TVR Chimera.

They will be armed with 400 pounds per side, but what will those pairings be?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Isn't this lovely?

MARK: You brought the sunshine with you.

PHYLLIS: We did, didn't we?

Good to see you.

Hi.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Lovely to meet you.

Yes, you too.

Right.

Who's going to go with who?

I have this car.

Oh, well I'm going with him.

OK. [LAUGHTER] PHYLLIS: You've got me, I'm afraid.

Do you want the TVR?

It's too low down for me.

I'd never get in there with my lumbago.

I think we'll go for classic beauty, and we'll leave the nouveau brashness to them.

- Oh!

- Outrageous!

Mark?

Mark, are you going to be driving, and Phyllis will sit in the back?

Yes, shall we do that?

Come along.

Have you got your chauffeur's hat on?

NARRATOR: So that'll keep Downton fan, Mark, happy, whilst Thomas is in for a right pirates meet up.

And what an adventure awaits.

Our route starts in Barham, Kent.

Then we take a trip to the coast before heading over the border into Sussex, finally making for an auction by the Thames at Greenwich.

This little village with three bears, passons on its coat of arms, was the home of one of the four knights who murdered Thomas a Becket at nearby Canterbury Cathedral in 1170.

Lord Kitchener, of recruitment poster fame, once lived near Barham, too.

What do you think Kevin's going to be like?

Is he quite competitive?

Oh, yes.

Is he?

Completely.

Honestly.

See, playing games with him, he's got to win.

MARK: Oh.

So we need to win.

Well, I'd really like to win.

I'd really like to.

So do I. NARRATOR: I think those two will do all right.

PHYLLIS: Oh Mark, look.

Shall I give it a pull?

[LOUD RING] MARK: Oh!

Oh wow!

Loud ring.

Well it's worked.

And it's worked, indeed.

CHRISTIAN: Hello.

- I'm Mark.

- I'm Christian.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, Christian.

I'm Phyllis.

Hi Phyllis.

Nice to meet you.

MARK: You've got some antiques, I gather.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, we've got one or two around the corner.

MARK: We're dying to see them, aren't we.

PHYLLIS: We are.

We can't wait to get started.

That way to the showroom.

PHYLLIS: Thank you.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] - Yes, we shall.

Come on.

NARRATOR: He's not wrong.

There are at least one or two.

Good quality, as well, which could put a bit of a strain on the old funds.

It's not 16 pounds 50, is it.

Unfortunately not.

That's the table, of course.

Look.

I like this.

Really?

[PHYLLIS CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Don't tell me our co-stars are falling out already.

Fancy a duel?

PHYLLIS: We got taught this at drama school.

Oh did you?

Yes.

En garde.

PHYLLIS: Oh it's even got the rapier, too.

Oh.

PHYLLIS: Take that.

MARK: Oh you've remembered it.

PHYLLIS: Yes.

MARK: Very professional.

[PHYLLIS CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Conservatoire trained.

MARK: So if you were ever in The Scarlet Pimpernel, that would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

NARRATOR: Now those look cheap and familiar.

MARK: Those are very old keys.

Yes.

But that's what I wear.

NARRATOR: Very Mrs. Hughes.

A bit rusty, though.

Now that might suit a pirate film, don't you think?

MARK: Could you see anything?

No.

MARK: Take that off, that's it.

Ship ahoy, cap'n.

NARRATOR: The ticket price is 175 pounds, whatever they see in it.

PHYLLIS: Yes I can.

NARRATOR: Which is quite a bit.

Just what did the actor say to the auctioneer?

KEVIN: Are you a good haggler?

THOMAS: Yes, very good haggler, because I'm a Bristolian.

KEVIN: I was born in Bristol, myself.

THOMAS: Were you?

That's a lovely part of the world.

It's a lovely part of the world.

And of course it's where pirates come from.

It's exactly where pirates come from.

Pieces of eight?

KEVIN: Pieces of eight.

It's a Bristol thing.

THOMAS: It's a Bristol phrase.

KEVIN: It's a Bristol thing.

THOMAS: And also, to have the meanness of a Bristolian.

The meanness-- won't spend a penny.

They're so tight with money.

Was your mother tight with money?

But she was careful.

She'd always say to me, no, you hold on to your money.

[THOMAS CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: They seem like shipmates already.

Does that make Tom the cabin boy?

Time for a trip to the seaside as we go looking for a deal in Deal.

[INSTRUMENTAL SEA SHANTY MUSIC PLAYING] Just north of Dover, and a mere 25 miles from the French coast, Deal has a bit of a reputation for smuggling.

Seems to be the perfect port of call for a pair of pirates to land up in.

Arr.

Look.

Canute Road.

That's where King Canute lived.

Yes, he lived there on Canute Road.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] Number 46, I think.

[THOMAS CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Well, vikings were pirates, too, weren't they?

Hello, I'm Kevin.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

How are you doing?

- Thomas.

Hello Thomas.

NARRATOR: Plenty of loot in 'ere, maties.

[INAUDIBLE] NARRATOR: And Kevin certainly knows what he doesn't like.

My nickname on Pirates of the Caribbean was Badger.

Yes.

KEVIN: Although I wouldn't want to buy that because I can't stand stuffed animals.

My grandmother's house was full of them.

Dogs.

Pottery dogs.

Pottery dogs, yeah.

Never saw the point.

NARRATOR: Strangely enough, Phyllis has other ideas.

MARK: Oh, it's quite heavy.

Not very old.

And it's produced by a factory called Winstanley.

They're more known, actually, for their cats.

Oh.

So that's quite unusual.

I've never seen a bulldog by them.

Well how much are you-- Oh dear.

150.

But I think bulldogs are very popular subject.

People like bulldogs-- British bulldog.

PHYLLIS: Yes, yes.

MARK: The fighting spirit.

That's true.

And we are in a battle.

NARRATOR: Time to see what Christian can do.

CHRISTIAN: How are you getting on?

We quite like, funny enough, the bulldog.

Shall we just be bold?

Yes, I think we should be bold.

They would only ask us to leave.

I know, exactly.

And we've got the car ready, haven't we.

And I'm sure we won't do that.

We don't want to insult you, but-- But we do, really.

But we are on a very tight budget.

We thought around 30, really.

MARK: And then I thought we might make a reasonable profit on it.

I'm going to go a bit more.

What about 60?

MARK: Oh gosh.

What do you think?

Well, it's not a [INAUDIBLE],, is it?

PHYLLIS: Oh?

So maybe 40.

55?

MARK: Oh gosh, It's going down in fives.

NARRATOR: Come on, Phyllis.

This is definitely a speaking part.

I think Phyllis and I would be delighted if we could get it for 45, wouldn't we.

I mean, if we could just do that, because I think it'll be estimated at 40 to 60 pounds.

What about meeting me in the middle?

2 pounds 50 each, and make him 50.

You happy with 50?

Yes.

There, shake his hand.

Thank you very much.

PHYLLIS: Thank you very much.

NARRATOR: Quite a reduction mark.

But now Phyllis has spotted something else, it seems.

We're rather intrigued by this, which we couldn't find a price on it, though, could we.

CHRISTIAN: It's part of the display-- MARK: Oh!

CHRISTIAN: --I'm afraid.

PHYLLIS: We like it.

That appealed as a piece of an occasional table, almost.

MARK: It's kind of modernist in a way, isn't it?

I mean because, obviously the glass is a later top, but I love that sort of sinuous-- it's Art Nouveau, really, isn't it?

1900, 1905, something like that.

PHYLLIS: But it's not for sale.

Don't give up so easily.

Christian, I know, wants to help us.

Anything is for sale for the right price, my dear.

PHYLLIS: Oh I see.

Well what if we started again at, say, around 40 pounds?

What if I said about 70 pounds?

Oh.

Phyllis is not looking happy about that.

I mean we like it, but in the auction it might not appeal to anybody.

NARRATOR: One of your finest performances, Phyllis.

I feel another BAFTA coming on.

Why don't we say 50 again, and then it's a round 100, isn't it?

Could we do that?

CHRISTIAN: A round 100 for the bulldog and the pedestal.

Well I would say a lot more than that, really.

Make it 60?

PHYLLIS: Shall we say yea?

To 60?

Mh-hm.

It's 100 for the two.

Yeah.

That's all right, isn't it?

- 110?

- Yeah.

Yes.

Sound like a deal?

Its does.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

[INAUDIBLE] Thank you, Christian.

Thank you so much.

NARRATOR: Team Phyllis is off the mark, purchasing the bulldog and the lamp table for 110 pounds.

With that deal done, what about Deal?

The place, that is, where Kevin's taking charge.

Here we go.

KEVIN: I like the look of these.

THOMAS: What, the scales?

The butcher's scales, yeah.

They're rather good, aren't they.

KEVIN: But does he have the weights with it?

THOMAS: With weights.

Oh.

There we are, with brass weight weights.

I do think they're rather handsome.

Yes, that has to go.

We're not having that.

NARRATOR: He's made an impressive start.

Still needs a guiding hand, though.

This is where the a lack of experience comes in.

NARRATOR: He can play a bit, too.

KEVIN: Yeah, if you don't pump it, it won't make a noise.

Yeah, it's like a Georgian aerobics.

It's fantastic it works.

It's a shame it's got that little wheeze in it.

I think if you were 150 years old, you might have a bit wheeze.

[HARMONIUM MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: The harmonium, or pump organ, was once very popular in the home and in small churches and chapels where huge pipe organs would have been impractical.

So yes.

KEVIN: How do you think that would do?

I think it's quite fun.

It's small enough to be-- It is small enough, isn't it?

Yeah.

Should we put that in our memory banks and come back to it?

Because it's-- NARRATOR: Quite a price.

Not exactly going for a song.

KEVIN: We can't buy everything, can we?

THOMAS: You can't.

But you've picked out some amazing things.

I'm quite impressed with your eyes.

Is there anything you're looking for?

No.

No?

NARRATOR: Well I'm sure Thomas can come up with something.

I've never seen this before, ever, in my working career.

KEVIN: What is-- oh, it's to hold a pipe.

Play pipes, you used to buy them in packs of 20.

Right, because they break so easily.

Anybody who knows that.

But this is for traveling.

[KEVIN GASPS] THOMAS: To keep them safe.

NARRATOR: The ticket says 45 pounds.

THOMAS: It's mahogany-- KEVIN: Lovely.

THOMAS: --and comes with its own pipe.

KEVIN: Yeah.

THOMAS: Well I think that's a lovely little item.

You just slip it in your breaches.

Yeah, absolutely.

KEVIN: The great thing on the day will be, with it being one of my lots, is it's darn piratey.

THOMAS: It is, isn't it?

KEVIN: Yeah.

And somebody might like to say, I got this from a real pirate.

NARRATOR: I think that might be taking it a bit far.

Method actors, eh?

Worth talking to Mick about that, and the harmonium, though.

KEVIN: Now we need to speak to you, quite severely.

We'd need a very, very good deal from you, because it's a lot of my bank.

MICK: I'll come straight to the point.

I can take 100 pounds off that.

Oh, you'd have to take more than 100 pounds off it, mate.

That would still be half my money.

MICK: Oh my heart bleeds.

Yeah I know.

I can see how sympathetic you are to my plight.

MICK: OK, bottom line, 150.

KEVIN: 150.

THOMAS: And the pipe holder, you haven't cleaned it up.

What can that be?

Again, bottom line would be 30 on that.

NARRATOR: With negotiations at a bit of a lull, it's time to refocus.

The closure is-- You could take the two for 150.

[GASPS] Offer him that.

You know what's coming, don't you?

The harmonium and the pipe for 150.

This is your last opportunity, Mick.

It's not going to happen again.

NARRATOR: He's good.

Hardly needs an agent, I'd say.

165.

KEVIN: Aw!

I've got to make a little bit, haven't I.

160 and you got a deal.

OK.

I like your style.

I was going to say that myself.

Excellent THOMAS: I step in with my sweaty paw-- MICK: Go on then.

THOMAS: --and give you the dosh.

KEVIN: Excellent.

NARRATOR: After all that effort it's time for a pirate timeout.

Oh!

Yeah!

Three!

NARRATOR: Although I'm not sure skimming stones is very Treasure Island.

THOMAS: I've never been to Deal before.

Of course, like you, being a Bristol boy, it's Weston-super-Mud.

Weston-super-Mud?

My grandmother used to take me there, loads.

KEVIN: It's great.

THOMAS: I remember one year we went there and the tide was in, so it was really exciting, yeah.

NARRATOR: But while Kevin and Thomas have been making a bit of a splash in Deal, [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] Phyllis and Mark have temporarily suspended all purchases, motoring to another part of the Kent coast, Birchington-on-Sea.

And Quex House, once the regency home of hunter and collector, Percy Powell-Cotton.

Hello KIETH: Hello.

- You're Keith, yeah?

- I am.

Hello.

Hi I'm Phyllis.

I'm Mark.

Very nice to meet you.

Good to meet you both.

Spectacular house.

KIETH: It's amazing, isn't it?

PHYLLIS: Lead on.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] I feel as though I'm back in the Maasai Mara.

NARRATOR: This impressive-- if slightly disconcerting-- museum was first established in 1896 by Major Powell-Cotton to house the specimens and cultural artifacts he collected whilst exploring the globe.

KIETH: He collected animals-- you know, he shot them.

It was a very different world to the world that we're in now, and he was collecting with this scientific purpose.

There was always this drive to understand the world he was in.

NARRATOR: Africa was the continent Powell-Cotton fell in love with, making 20 expeditions over the course of 50 years.

But although he slaughtered many thousands of animals, the meticulous records that Powell-Cotton kept of each kill can now play an important role in conservation.

So this is one of the specimens.

In this case-- PHYLLIS: A warthog.

Exactly.

So this gives a breakdown of what he brought back, but also we have the latitude and longitude for every specimen he brought back.

PHYLLIS: That's very useful.

KIETH: It really is.

The latitude and longitude today can be used to help protect areas of Africa and species.

So someone was recently working with bush babies, and they were identifying where they used to be found, and then using that information to say, well, they were here once.

So if you protect this space there's a chance they'll be back.

NARRATOR: As well as the 500 creatures on display in the museum's dioramas, there are over 4,000 skeletons and 6,000 skins-- a huge DNA database which has helped breeding programs designed to save species from extinction.

In the collection we have this type of thing.

So every time you find a red label-- PHYLLIS: A Diana colobus monkey.

Which is just behind you.

Yes, yes.

KIETH: Percy brought some back that had not been identified to science before.

That's amazing.

Can I touch?

Yeah, please do.

And again, used by researchers looking at primates.

NARRATOR: So was the Major a misunderstood conservationist, or just a big game hunter who kept good books.

Like many Victorians, he had the urge to educate, and didn't always use his gun to do the shooting.

His 16mm films of his expeditions depict tribal ceremonies, as well as wildlife.

His daughters also followed in the family tradition, contributing to a huge archive.

KIETH: In 1905 he wrote a book, In Unknown Africa.

And in that book he talks about how if we don't protect the wild places of Africa, we will start to lose species in special areas.

And he even goes far as to say it might reach a point where the only place you'll see these animals is in a museum.

NARRATOR: Whatever his methods, Powell-Cotton certainly had a genuine love of Africa, even getting married there in 1905.

One of the most striking displays at the museum results from that same expedition.

PHYLLIS: That is amazing.

NARRATOR: The Buffalo is yet another example of a previously unknown species, which the Major soon had his name appended to.

And the lion has an even closer connection to the museum's founder, having nearly killed him.

KIETH: So if you look at his clothing you'll see that the major wound he suffered was on his back.

He thought he'd killed the lion, went over to it, and it leapt up-- dragged him to the ground.

He suffered his major wound here, but the thing that saved him was tucked in his trousers, was a copy of Punch.

PHYLLIS: Oh, and that saved his life.

KIETH: Saved his life.

And when he got back to Britain, Punch magazine had published the story of the lion.

Well of course.

NARRATOR: Time to find out what our other pair of antique explorers are up to in darkest Kent, heading to the famous resort of Margate.

The painter, Turner, described these skies as the loveliest in all Europe, and there's now an art gallery here in the great man's name.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] No point in locking it, it doesn't got to top.

No.

There's a door here.

Oh, is it?

Right there, it's a walk in the door.

NARRATOR: Well it's a big place.

Hi there.

Kevin.

Hi welcome to Tony Margate.

I'm Ron.

- Yeah Ron, nice to see you.

- Pleased to meet you.

- Thomas.

- How are you doing.

KEVIN: A lot of clocks, I see.

Yeah.

I'm a clock fancier, myself.

They're not very good business at the moment, to be honest.

Oh, well thanks for the advice.

We won't be looking at clocks, then, thank you.

NARRATOR: Decisive Kevin.

He continues to impress.

The Tu-95.

Very, very nice long range bomber.

Soviet, of course.

NARRATOR: Perhaps they'll pick up a piece of military, then.

M-85 helmet, first Gulf War.

Hoorah!

Oh.

Wish I never had fish and chips at lunchtime.

You look lovely, but could you please press on?

I don't think I can take it off.

I'm stuck.

NARRATOR: Ron's huge establishment is very different from the shop they were in earlier.

This is overwhelming.

NARRATOR: But Kevin still seems intent on following his instincts.

THOMAS: Zealand?

RON: Yeah.

Tom.

THOMAS: Yeah, coming.

What have you got?

Oh, is this a dentist chair, or a barber's?

That's a dentist.

It's a dentist chair.

Yes.

People associate these things with pain.

NARRATOR: Remember Larry and Dustin in Marathon man?

KEVIN: Put your head back.

Let's have a look.

No!

NARRATOR: But is it safe?

Well that'll have to come out, for a start.

Ow!

NARRATOR: I think that Thomas's advice, plus the 300 pound price tag, might deter a splurge.

Ah.

More pain.

It's a Cat o' nine tails.

Is this something you use on your films?

Oh yes, yeah.

The lashings will continue until morale improves.

NARRATOR: It seems that Ron's always got a bit more shop to explore.

Oh look.

KEVIN: Do you remember Steptoe and Son?

Yeah.

I think it was shot here.

NARRATOR: I'm not sure the warehouse is actually open to the public, Kevin.

It's my sideburns.

KEVIN: Oh look.

THOMAS: They got a Tuba there.

A big, old Tuba.

But look, there's nothing there.

You wouldn't be able to play it.

That doesn't matter.

Really?

No, because these are converted to lamps now.

I love it.

NARRATOR: It's a Boosey, and so predates 1930 when the company merged with the other great British musical dynasty of Hawkes.

Ladies and gents, Tony Hancock in.

[PLAYS HANCOCK HALF HOUR THEME] H-Hankock's half hour.

Hey, a Boosey?

It's a Boosey one.

Really?

Oh, I slipped up there.

What do you mean you slipped up there?

NARRATOR: Ron's asking 50 pounds for this slightly battered bit of brass.

Could this be better than the 50?

I think 50 is a gift, to be honest with you.

Do you think so?

I didn't know it was Boosey, or I-- [INAUDIBLE] THOMAS: 40, because there's a lot of work on here.

RON: Yeah, you've wheedled your way into my warehouse.

You don't like, that do you?

Oh I don't mind.

[INAUDIBLE] you can't come here and then [INAUDIBLE] the floor things in the warehouse.

KEVIN: If I could take that away with me and still have 200 quid left for tomorrow, I'd be such a happy bunny.

But once we give him 50 I'm under the 200, I've got no negotiation, you see.

Then I've just got no leverage, you see.

THOMAS: For 40 pounds, I think Kevin would take it away.

RON: No, I'm sorry.

I mean I thank you very much for the interest, but honest the truth, I think it's a steal at 50 quid.

Boosey is better than Boosey & Hawkes.

It's earlier.

Yeah, it is earlier.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] RON: I've had a little practice, you know.

You're good, you're good, your good.

RON: [INAUDIBLE] 45 quid and we'll have a deal.

Go on.

- Come on, quickly.

- Absolutely.

Yes.

Got it.

Lovely.

- That's it.

Good man.

Yes, all the thrill, the adrenaline.

I'm becoming a junkie.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] [LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Never a script, darlings.

Improv every time.

Let's go.

[HANCOCK HALF HOUR THEME PLAYS] NARRATOR: After quite a day, Kevin and Phyllis are together again.

Oh is that a squirrel?

It was a rabbit!

Oh.

We really are in the countryside.

We really are.

Where there's a little bunny rabbit there.

MARK: I think we're lost.

[PHYLLIS CHUCKLES] We should have brought a map.

Oh well.

Doesn't this not get any satnav?

[MARK CHUCKLES] Afraid not.

NARRATOR: I do hope they find their way.

Nighty-night.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] Next morning we're in Sussex, where it's raining.

Would you need your wipers on?

Do you know where they are?

KEVIN: Have a look to see if one of those say wipers.

Oh there we are, look.

Whitwers.

KEVIN: Lovely.

PHYLLIS: Weee!

NARRATOR: That's what marriage is all about.

Teamwork.

And betting on household chores, of course.

I think we should forget about that whole breakfast thing and just make it totally about the bins.

What do you mean?

Yes, no exactly.

Bins and recycling.

What a chore.

See, that's you in the next six months.

Don't be so cocky.

No, no.

Mark's got me sorted.

Well sorted.

[KEVIN CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Yeah.

Well I love to see you confident, darling, but I'm very sad to see it so misplaced.

NARRATOR: Phyllis and Mark were the cautious couple yesterday, spending a mere 110 pounds on a bulldog and a lamp table, as you do.

We don't want to insult you, but-- But we do, really.

NARRATOR: Leaving just under 300 pounds to spend today.

While Kevin and Thomas splurged out on a tuba, a pipe holder, and a harmonium.

You be careful with that, now, because it belongs to me.

NARRATOR: For a total cost of 205 pounds, meaning they have almost 200 pounds in their wallet.

KEVIN: I'm feeling a little bit of insecurity from you.

From me?

Yeah, you're cracking-- No, darling, no.

--under the strain.

NARRATOR: Later they'll be ending up in the capital for a Greenwich auction.

But in the meantime, we're in Sussex at Eastbourne.

[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING] The comedian Charlie Chester was born in Eastbourne, and political theorist Friedrich Engels, who co-wrote the Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx.

He has his ashes scattered at nearby Beachy Head.

[INAUDIBLE] PHYLLIS: Are we going to the same place?

KEVIN: I think we are.

Oh, we'd like to get there before them.

Come up there.

NARRATOR: I wonder if there'll be much chit chat about the theory of surplus value as our gang of four shop together.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Yesterday, Phyllis took a bit of a supporting role when it came to the choosing, so she's keen to play her part today.

Oh do we like this clock?

This?

Well it's nice.

I mean it's Art Deco-- ish.

- Hm.

It's French.

Probably 1940s.

They don't do terribly well.

NARRATOR: Maybe not.

Kevin's after a new career.

Do you want to go over and do Pirates of the Caribbean 5, and I'll do this.

- Yeah.

For sure.

We'll do that.

Yeah, OK, great.

NARRATOR: Lordy.

MARK: I mean I know Thomas quite well.

And you obviously know Kevin very well.

Yes.

What do you think they're going for?

Toys.

THOMAS: It's a model aeroplane.

It's an actual flying aeroplane.

They're going for blokey things as well.

Yeah.

Train sets.

Oh.

Soldiers.

That lives there.

NARRATOR: Uncanny.

And here's something you'd like.

A Lancaster, or Wellington bomber cockpit compass.

[KEVIN GASPS] KEVIN: Let me in there.

THOMAS: Can you see that?

KEVIN: Oh that is great.

That could be my military thing.

NARRATOR: Let's have a closer look with shopkeeper, Damien.

Tell him we hate it.

NARRATOR: The price of the compass is 85 pounds.

Not sure they can see that, though.

[INAUDIBLE] I want to see the date.

Very interesting.

THOMAS: You like that?

KEVIN: It works, which is great.

I love the fact that it's got that box.

THOMAS: We should wash our hands after this.

Why?

Well I think if this is a luminescent, there'll be some radiation.

Oh, will there?

NARRATOR: Crikey, step away from the antique.

Meanwhile Phyllis has taken mark outside.

PHYLLIS: Well what about these chairs?

MARK: Well, yes, you see, these are what I would call nursing chairs.

PHYLLIS: Nursing chairs?

Yes, you know, for a mother to sit on.

They probably date a sort of 1890, 1900, so they're antique.

They're asking 155 for the pair.

But again, if they're outside, maybe the dealer wants to get rid of them.

Maybe they bought them with some other stuff.

And actually they'd be glad to see the back of them.

Everybody watching at home will be saying, don't buy them, don't buy them.

NARRATOR: There'll be some lively discussion, for certain.

MARK: Have a go.

See what you think.

Oh yes.

THOMAS: What does it feel like?

It feels lovely, actually.

You could put your feet up in that one.

I think you should.

Oh.

Oh it's hard work, all this, isn't it?

I know.

It's exhausting.

MARK: Well I think we can maybe-- PHYLLIS: Knock them down a bit.

--knock them down a bit.

Shall we?

I'm feeling like grrrr!

Oh you're feeling like you really going to get-- I was so wussy yesterday.

I'm feeling more grrrr!

Oh, you weren't wussy.

NARRATOR: Prepare yourself, Paul.

She means business.

We are on quite a tight budget, here.

And, of course, I'm going to try and knock you down a bit.

But we need these at a really special Downton Abbey price, don't we.

I'm emphasizing the word "down".

NARRATOR: Subtle, Mark.

How does 110 sound?

No, no.

I'm sorry, we can't do that.

No, we-- I know you-- How does 90 pounds sit?

We're headed in the right direction.

We're going down.

In order for the better team to win.

MARK: I like that.

PHYLLIS: I like your style.

I'll give you the pair of chairs for 70 pounds.

MARK: We are so close.

PHYLLIS: We are so close.

I was thinking maybe a round figure of 60 and we could shake your hand.

You know you want to.

Shake his hand, before he changes his mind.

I hope you win this one.

Thank you so much, Paul.

We are thrilled with those.

NARRATOR: Well done, Phyllis.

How are the boys getting on with their much-loved compass?

PAUL: We can't have the compass.

The gentleman who owns it is currently in Europe and I can't get hold of him on the phone.

What could you do that for normally?

We could do it for 65.

NARRATOR: With 195 pounds still in the kitty, it's affordable.

But the pirates go back on the prowl for more treasure.

He's doing that walking away thing.

I really like that.

NARRATOR: The rivals, however, look altogether more relaxed.

Have you ever worked together?

Not or age-- oh well, mind you, having said that, he did come on to Downton Abbey.

MARK: Oh did he?

Yes, it was horrible-- no it wasn't.

It must be quite fun.

It was quite fun, I must say.

And this is nice.

I mean this is like being on a little holiday.

Yeah.

Yes it is.

Coming around another look.

NARRATOR: The boys, though, are keeping their minds on the game.

THOMAS: That Iraq is silver.

KEVIN: At the back, that is nice.

I do like that.

THOMAS: 19th century Islamic dish for Turkish delight or sweets, baklava, or something like that.

So this is on copper with silver.

KEVIN: Is there any interest in it?

I mean I think it's lovely.

Huge amount of interest, because you are thinking of the emerging economies of the Middle East, and this is a near Middle East piece, and they do like to buy back their works of art which they created.

Ah, right.

So you have got a possibility with something like this.

KEVIN: The price is at 161.

It's got to be 100 quid, really, isn't it?

[INAUDIBLE] KEVIN: Go talk to him about that, yeah?

NARRATOR: What can Damien do?

DAMIEN: [INAUDIBLE] He's coming at 110 pounds.

He wouldn't do it for 95?

He actually 110 for it.

And what, 65 for the-- DAMIEN: Market comes down to 60, so that gives you 170 for the two items.

Yeah, that's all right.

OK. NARRATOR: I think we're almost there.

Almost all the cash gone, too.

THOMAS: Well I think it's these two, isn't it.

We're going to do it?

Yes.

Leaves us a little bit of money left, but we didn't spend it all.

We'll spend it on the pub.

Thank you.

Good idea.

Thank you very much.

Better give you some money.

- Pay the man.

Yeah I will.

Absolutely, yes.

NARRATOR: Cool.

They came out with a bang, wrapping up their shopping with the World War II compass, and the Middle East and silver inlaid copper plate for a total of 170 pounds.

Time for a parting of the ways, with one side still hot to shop, and the other aiming for the stars.

You're quite into astrology, aren't you?

Astronomy.

Astronomy.

Astronomy.

NARRATOR: Really, Thomas.

They may sound the same, but astronomy, the study of the stars and planets, is really quite different from looking at horoscopes, or, astrology.

KEVIN: When I was a kid I took one of the first astronomy o-levels-- Astrology.

Astronomy.

Astronomy.

Astronomy.

NARRATOR: Oh Thomas.

They're making for Herstmonceux, East Sussex.

The Greenwich Royal Observatory moved their telescopes here after the war, and although they've since gone further abroad to escape this weather, much remains.

THOMAS: Are you like a boy in a sweety shop?

Oh, absolutely.

I can't express how excited I am.

Hi, I'm Kevin.

- Hello Kevin.

I'm Helen.

Helen nice to meet you.

I'm Thomas.

Come on in.

This is Tom, but don't mind him.

NARRATOR: Some regular viewers may recognize these domes from a previous pit stop by Charlie Ross.

Today, however, Thomas and Kevin are here to learn about an outlandish experiment using two telescope lenses that turned an unknown Austrian physicist into one of the world's most famous men.

In 1919, two of the lenses that are on this site now were taken to Africa and Brazil, respectively, and they were instrumental in improving Einstein's theory of relativity.

NARRATOR: One of the key points of Albert Einstein's famous theory was that even light is affected by gravity.

To prove this, he predicted that if you could see stars in the daytime, any stars hidden behind the sun would appear to have moved position.

But it was actually the sun's gravity bending the star's light.

Deep stuff, eh?

You keeping up?

And the way it worked was, that they proved that the gravity of a big object like the sun would bend light, which is a central core of special relativity.

Absolutely.

Well that's what I was going to ask.

What is the theory of relativity?

I'll tell you later.

Will you?

We don't have the time to do that here.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: Well we've all heard of E=mc squared, but fear not, Thomas.

Even the world's best scientists at the time couldn't wrap their minds around Einstein's ideas.

The only chap who saw the vast potential was British physicist Arthur Eddington, with the help of the Royal Astronomical Society, Eddington set out on a grand global expedition to get observational proof of part of Einstein's theory.

They knew they'd need a solar eclipse to view the stars and sun together, so a ship carrying two huge telescopes was sent along the route of the next eclipse.

The goal was to photograph the position of the stars during the eclipse to prove Einstein was right.

That's why the eclipse is so important, because the sky goes dark and you can take the photograph.

The stars come out-- Absolutely.

--because they're always there, but obviously we could see the blue sky of the atmosphere.

KEVIN: It was a brilliant experiment, isn't it?

Actually, when you break it down, it's an extremely simple experiment.

KEVIN: Yes.

Well that's the genius of it, I think.

Yes.

NARRATOR: But the task was far from easy.

Weather clouded their six-minute window, obscuring all but a few seconds of the eclipse.

They had one usable picture, but it was all that was needed.

The stars were shown to be out of position.

Einstein was proved right, and science was changed forever.

He became an overnight celebrity, thanks to the team of intrepid British pioneers and two telescope lenses, both of which are now housed on this site.

This is an actual lens from the telescope?

HELEN: The actual lens that was taken to Africa.

KEVIN: It's a mighty lens, isn't it?

And to think, they were hand-ground at that time, as well.

THOMAS: Where's the rest of the telescope?

Your guess is as good as mine.

I think it was left.

THOMAS: Left?

KEVIN: They just brought the important bit, the lens.

All we have is the lens, now.

THOMAS: That's where the money is, the lenses.

KEVIN: Yeah exactly.

Talking of which, just shut that up because they'll have that auction by the end of the week.

THOMAS: Lot one-- a very famous lens.

5 million pounds.

KEVIN: Make sure it's locked up.

NARRATOR: Incredibly, the lens from the second telescope used in the experiment is still in use here in Sussex.

This on top is the viewfinder, right?

Yes, that's the guidescope.

The guidescope.

And this is the telescope, but is the original the Brazilian lens.

This is the lens that was taken to Brazil.

THOMAS: It's like you're some sort of mad professor.

I am a mad professor.

I feel like I should get my hair up a little bit more and start talking like Patrick Moore.

THOMAS: And Helen and I are your sort of people.

And you know so much, I'm so impressed.

Well, I know so little compared to these guys.

Could I move this telescope, please?

Yeah I can take the clamps off for you and you can move it yourself.

OK. THOMAS: Are you excited?

KEVIN: Oh I'm so excited.

Are the clamps off?

[GASPS] Look at that.

The simplest touch, just move around the sky.

THOMAS: Love the dial there.

KEVIN: Oh yeah.

NARRATOR: Boys and their toys, eh?

Oh that's amazing.

NARRATOR: Hang on.

Ah, we're doing that again, are we?

There they are.

Meanwhile, back at Eastbourne.

PHYLLIS: This looks rather intriguing.

MARK: It does, doesn't it?

NARRATOR: Phyllis and Mark still have work to do.

Oh it's nice to dry in here.

It's good to see you again.

Well, pleased to meet you.

MARK: And you.

Hello, I'm Phyllis.

Pleased to meet you.

Hi.

NARRATOR: Those two are looking for a couple more objects.

Although I think they're taking it in turns.

Well we've got a dog.

Maybe we should give it a cat.

NARRATOR: Mark's got a similar approach, it seems.

I think this is Indian.

Indian brass.

Oh yes, cowbells.

MARK: I think it's quite nicely made, actually.

It's all hand engraved there and [INAUDIBLE].. And the bells are quite nice.

So that would have been made when, do you think?

MARK: You'd think something like that was fairly modern, wouldn't you really?

You know.

But I think it's got a bit of age.

If you look, this is all handmade nails here.

I don't think it's any later than around about 1920.

So we're heading off to 100 years old.

Do you think it would do well?

These type of items are becoming more collectible.

You know, Chinese, Indian, Arabic items with a bit of age.

NARRATOR: The ticket price is 30 pounds.

But are they agreed?

I mean if we could get that really down, I think it just might stand a chance.

Not impressed with my old cow.

[PHYLLIS CHUCKLES] You know people who go to the auction don't appreciate this type of art, and it could sell for a fiver.

I know.

I think it might.

Should we leave it?

I think we should leave we leave it.

PHYLLIS: But then-- You're not indecisive at all, are you?

Look, should we just [INAUDIBLE]??

PHYLLIS: Yes.

NARRATOR: Phew!

We finally got there.

We might have a little something which intrigued us.

MARK: An old cow.

That's no way to speak to your guest!

MARK: Well I just think it's rather fun.

SHOP OWNER: It is.

Far and away.

10 pounds?

[SHOP OWNER SNORTS] I hear you snorting there.

MARK: 11?

SHOP OWNER: Oh do try harder.

11.50.

SHOP OWNER: Come on.

15?

12 pounds.

Yes, 12 pounds.

15.

Well, 15 is such an odd number, isn't it?

12 is pretty odd as well.

MARK: Shall we say 50?

Are we being too mean?

I think we pay 15.

15?

15.

Deal.

Thank you very much.

15 pounds.

Thank you very much.

PHYLLIS: Thank you for the little cow and baby.

I do hope we can milk a profit on it.

Oh!

NARRATOR: Quite.

Time to move on.

Moooo.

Moooo.

NARRATOR: Now motoring towards the village of Hailsham and their last chance to buy.

PHYLLIS: Oh Hello.

You must be Rhoda.

I am, indeed.

Hello, I'm Phyllis.

- Nice to meet you.

- I'm Mark.

- Hello Mark.

- Lovely to meet you.

We've got you in the nick of time, but we have so little time.

Is there something here, you think, you want to help two desperate people?

NARRATOR: Interesting question, because as well as quite a few traditional antiques on offer, Rhoda has a bit of an eye-catching novelty item.

Anyone spotted it yet?

Ah yes.

Say hello to Diana.

[OMINOUS MUSIC] MARK: Oh my gosh.

It's scary, isn't it?

NARRATOR: Sounds like a "no" to the lovely Diana.

Anything a bit smaller?

MARK: This is quite interesting.

He looks like a sort of military Naval type, doesn't he?

Is it a doorstop?

It is.

It's filled with lead in the bottom.

It looks 19th century.

I mean I thought it might have been Nelson.

Unfortunately he's not.

PHYLLIS: No.

MARK: We'd love it if we could find something with Nelson on it.

Or we be absolutely ridiculous, and if the doll in the box is terribly cheap, we take that for a laugh.

Because Thomas and Kevin will think we've gone completely and utterly mad.

And we have, haven't we?

Diana in the box.

MARK: Yes.

Life size.

They won't be expecting that, will they.

PHYLLIS: They certainly will not.

Because you hate the doll, don't you?

Oh, absolutely.

And I hate the doll.

Oh I see.

And they hate the doll.

Yes.

NARRATOR: You don't have to buy it, Phyllis.

PHYLLIS: I'm not even sure I want to touch it.

And she's really this sort of-- MARK: I don't want to touch it.

PHYLLIS: --plastic.

It's like a jockey's outfit, or something.

MARK: I just think she is so ridiculously hideous.

Yeah.

MARK: Could we appeal to your generous side, Rhoda?

Uh-huh?

And could you please let us have it for 10 pounds?

No.

Well I tried.

I'll do her for 20.

Yes, go on then.

Are you happy?

Yes, ecstatic.

You won't shout at me at the auction?

No.

MARK: Let's not put any naked flames near her.

Here you are, Rhoda.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

RHODA: Goodbye Diana.

PHYLLIS: Get back in your box.

MARK: Don't want to go back in the box.

She's going back in the box.

MARK: I don't want to go back in the box.

NARRATOR: Well, that rather unusual purchase completes their shopping.

So what will they make of each other's offerings?

THOMAS: I was going to let the lady reveal first.

I think we should.

I think that's very sensible.

MARK: So I'm going to take this off first.

THOMAS: Right!

Oh interesting.

NARRATOR: He is an actor.

KEVIN: Well we've obviously got a doggy here.

THOMAS: Is that a Winstanley bulldog?

I know, but I've seen the cats.

I've never seen a bulldog.

I've never seen a Winstanley bulldog.

And I think he's rather charming.

THOMAS: OK. And the pair of chairs?

MARK: The pair of chairs, again, are-- Are they inlaid?

Should we walk around?

Come on, Kevin.

No, they're inlaid.

I did want a chair, but we got a pair.

Inlaid, and I've just seen the horror show.

MARK: Yes.

KEVIN: Oh my-- God almighty.

MARK: You know that's the reaction I wanted.

What have you done?

But I thought, rather than go safe, we'd go hideous.

Didn't we?

Yes we did.

KEVIN: That, you achieved, let me tell you.

How much is the horror show?

20 quid.

Oh my-- So how much have you spent?

MARK: Actually I'm sorry, we didn't spend a lot.

20, 60, 80.

MARK: 205 pounds.

THOMAS: We spent that on the first day!

Yeah, well, they're playing a canny game that I would never have considered myself.

NARRATOR: Let's have a look at your booty then, chaps.

MARK: Oh my gosh!

THOMAS: It's a pirate's pipe holder.

A traveling pipe.

Pirates, yeah.

MARK: I love it.

It's lovely.

KEVIN: This is a compass from a World War II Lancaster or Wellington bomber.

PHYLLIS: Oh!

MARK: Oh wow!

Where did you get that?

KEVIN: We got that in one of the tidiest places I've ever been in my life.

And of course, this has a great relevance to me as being the instrument upon which the theme to Hancock is played.

[PHYLLIS MIMICKING TUBA SOUNDS] MARK: I like that.

NARRATOR: Mark and Phyllis definitely approve.

But the centerpiece-- and the biggest gamble for us-- is-- PHYLLIS: Fwishhhh!

KEVIN (IMITATING TRUMPET): Tada!

Oh wow!

Sweet.

Gosh!

Not the most practical thing for your home.

THOMAS: Not the most practical, but a fun object.

KEVIN: I can't imagine our sets of objects being any more different.

THOMAS: They are.

NARRATOR: But what did they really think?

I've never seen such a pile of tat in all my life.

I just thought it was all hideous.

Well they managed to spend every last penny, practically.

I don't dislike any of their items at all.

PHYLLIS: No.

I don't.

It's the worst thing in the world.

It's a horror show.

I love the little Islamic brass and silver tray.

PHYLLIS: That's lovely.

We have definitely won the battle.

But we could lose the war.

He loves the wartime stuff, Kevin.

The military thing I am quite frightened of.

PHYLLIS: What, the compass?

MARK: Mm.

KEVIN: Thank you.

I am proud that we have bought well like the true men we are.

Yes.

Like the pirates!

We are the pirates, ha-har!

THOMAS: Let's go and tell them we think it's lovely.

NARRATOR: After starting out in the Kent countryside at Barham, our celebrities and experts are making their way towards an auction in Greenwich, one of London's most internationally famous boroughs with a fine and rich maritime history.

PHYLLIS: Well it's a lovely day for it.

KEVIN: Brilliant, isn't it.

There's nice credit in it.

I feel like a bit of an East End villain in this car, though.

I used to drive for the Crasian.

Did you?

THOMAS: How do you think you're going to fare at the auction?

I'm not terribly confident, Tom.

To be honest.

Oh really?

I honestly think that because you've spent little, you might gain a lot.

I see what you mean.

So you're building up now already for [INAUDIBLE]..

I am.

I really like your stuff, but I don't think it's going to make any money.

I know, I think that's probably a very fair appraisal and the way things are going to turn out.

I really like it.

I would, personally, have all your stuff.

Yeah.

But I wouldn't pay that for it.

I wouldn't have yours in the house.

[UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING] Is it a tight squeeze?

Good afternoon.

NARRATOR: With everyone in a sparring mood, this Southeast road trip concludes at Greenwich auctions.

Ready for a trouncing?

They're the ones who should worry, aren't they.

Come on, let's go in.

Shall we do it?

Yeah, we should do it.

NARRATOR: So who will win the day?

Let's hear from auctioneer, Robert Dodd.

It's an iconic piece.

Typical 1970s.

Lovely.

It's got its box with the illustrations.

And let's hope we've got a Diana doll collector.

I think the one that's going to struggle is the harmonium.

I don't think you'd be happy if you lived next door to someone who could play one of these things.

NARRATOR: Yeah.

Kevin and Thomas bought five auction lots for a total cost of 375 pounds, whilst Phyllis mark also bought five auction lots, spending just 205 pounds.

Fasten your safety belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

NARRATOR: First out of the traps-- Phyllis and Mark's bulldog.

It's going to make 65, 75 pounds.

You don't know that.

Stop trying to predict-- He's an auctioneer.

Oh yeah, but-- A really bad one.

Have you been to a sales auction?

Will you, please!

It's got a start, I think we may have 45 pound only on the bulldog.

Do we have 48?

50 with me.

Looking for 55 anywhere.

Come on.

Are we all done?

MARK: Come on.

On the bulldog glass toy at 50 pounds.

Oh no!

We've broken even on that one.

It's a travesty.

It's a travesty.

I'm so disappointed.

NARRATOR: He doesn't look all that happy, either.

[INAUDIBLE],, but I want a bit of that 80, 85, 90.

You'd like that, don't you.

Yeah, I'll have a bit of that.

NARRATOR: Hmm.

That may well be a pipe dream.

It's a lovely lot.

And it's got to start with a bid with me of 22 pound on this, which is cheap.

Looking for 25.

I've got 22.

Go on.

AUCTIONEER: Looking for 25.

28.

30 on one.

30 pound, or I'm out.

Looking for 32.

I've got 30 pound on it, I'm looking for 32 anywhere.

Are we all done?

Last time at 30 pounds.

Oh gosh.

NARRATOR: Looks like Kevin's parrot endorsement didn't pay off.

I just hope one ours creates a bit of-- I don't even mind if it's Phyllis's anymore.

That's very magnanimous of you.

It is magnanimous of me.

NARRATOR: Now for Phyllis and Mark's table that wasn't even for sale.

And it's got to start with a bid with me of 38 pounds.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] It's worth more than that.

42 with me.

Looking for 45.

45 on the phone.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] AUCTIONEER: - 48 or I'm out.

Come on, a bit more.

AUCTIONEER: We all done?

MARK: We need more.

48 with the boys.

50 I need.

It's important now.

AUCTIONEER: 48 in the back of the room.

50 pound only I need.

MARK: Go on.

50 I've got.

I'll take 52.

- Someone with taste.

AUCTIONEER: Well done.

Last time at 50.

MARK: Come on a bit more.

50 pounds.

Well done.

NARRATOR: Better than it might have been, but another loss, I'm afraid.

It all changes from now on in.

Does it?

We start with our tuba, and this is it.

This is our game changer.

Oh is it?

The game changes.

This is when you get really trounced.

NARRATOR: Yeah, can that thing play The Last Post?

Lovely lot, this.

Quality.

Got to start with a bid with me on 35 pound only on that.

It's worth more than that.

Looking for 38.

I've got 35 on the Boosey & Co Tuba.

I'm looking for 38.

I've got 35.

Look 38.

40 with me.

Looking for a 42.

I'm looking for 42 anywhere.

We all done?

- No!

More, more, more!

AUCTIONEER: Last time on the tuba.

At 40 pound.

Oh Thomas.

I think you were too "boosey" when you bought that.

No, we weren't boozy.

NARRATOR: Someone's got a nice tuba for not very much money.

I wonder how Phyllis's chairs will fare?

I'm not sanguine.

But best of luck to you both.

Thank you.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] Paid to me, and only 45 pound on these on the pair.

I've got 45.

MARK: They're worth that each.

They are, at least.

48.

50.

5.

I'm out if you want them.

Go on with him.

Go on.

Yeah!

AUCTIONEER: 55 I'm out.

Looking for 60.

Bid at the back.

Yes.

Come on.

Bid more.

AUCTIONEER: 62.

Hello, stop shaking your head.

62.

Can't get a Happy Meal for that.

Yeah, 60 pound.

62.

Yes!

Come on, a bit more.

68 of seven-- no?

68 there.

Looking for 70.

Are you sure?

Last time.

At 68 pound.

THOMAS: Oh, well done.

NARRATOR: Sadly, that's a loss after auction costs.

THOMAS: Our first profit.

Well done.

Now it's "our".

Oh yes, did you hear that?

He's like, we're all in it together.

It's "our" profit.

We're going to take a commission-- No it's not.

It's ours.

I'm going to call them the coalition from now.

We're all in it together.

NARRATOR: Kevin and Thomas's plate is up next.

I'm feeling bad that they're over 100 quid now.

I'm feeling bad there's over 20 quid, actually.

And it's got to start with a bid with me, straight in at 32 pounds.

We've got a long way to go.

Long way to go.

35.

38.

45.

55.

65.

75.

80.

I'm out.

Go on, more.

Looking for 85.

I've got 80 pound.

I'm looking for 85 on this dish.

Are we all done?

No, we can see more.

come on.

Last time at 80 pounds.

Bad luck.

That was like a knife in my heart.

NARRATOR: Can you be coppered off?

At least Phyllis and Mark's figurines came cheap.

AUCTIONEER: Great likeness.

It's a late 19th-early 20th century.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] And it's got to start with a bid with me of only 10 pound on this.

Oh!

Looking for 12.

It's worth all of that, the golden calf sculpture.

Come on.

I've got 10, 12, 15 with me.

Looking for 18.

I've got 15.

Oh come on.

Are we all done?

You sure?

At 15 pound.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

Because I really loved that.

Can we have our money back?

No.

Can we go out and do it again?

This is just a dress rehearsal.

Can we do it next week?

Yay!

When we really do it, it's going to be much better, right?

Yes, it is.

, NARRATOR: Yeah, break a leg, everyone.

Tat.

Are you talking about us?

I'm talking about your doll.

Is that the last lot?

I think it's your last lot.

That's your piece de resistance.

Ignore him.

I do.

They really are a pair of pirates.

We are.

Penzance and Caribbean over there.

It's the compass which guides us to our golden doubloons.

Oh.

NARRATOR: The Isle of Dogs, more like.

Going to start with a bid with me of only 45 pound.

We want more.

Come on.

Looking for 48.

Hello?

Is there anyone out there?

[LAUGHTER] AUCTIONEER: 55.

65.

I'm out.

62 I'll take.

For two pound.

Yes?

Jeez, I'm pulling teeth.

Yeah, we got it over there.

Oh!

65 there.

68 I need.

You can't pull it out, you started.

Come on, come on.

AUCTIONEER: 68 here.

70 pound over here.

Yes well, done.

I need 72 pound, hello?

KEVIN: Easily.

AUCTIONEER: I've got 72 there.

Looking for 75, there.

Looking for 78.

78 I want.

I've got 75 with you, sir.

Last time at 75 pounds.

Well done, sir.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] You made a profit.

We made a profit.

You made a profit.

Profits are profit, whichever way you slice it, right?

You've got to pamper him.

Yes, yes.

Stroke his ego.

NARRATOR: I'd almost given up hope.

What's next?

It's the doll.

It's the doll from hell.

This is going to walk us right into profit.

NARRATOR: Was that a joke, Mark?

There will be no justice if that is the case.

I won't be able to show my face.

Don't be so bitter.

Where do you think this is anyway now?

You'll be known as the doll lady from now on, won't you?

Attention please.

Absolutely cracking, stunning, lot coming up here.

I've got to be honest with you, I want to start this at three grand.

[LAUGHTER] It's got to start with a BID with me of only 18 pounds.

Oh!

I want 20 pounds on this.

I've got 18.

I want 20 pound on the doll.

Come on.

I'm not moving on.

Might as well stay.

All I want is 20 pound.

It's worth all of that.

20 pounds I've got.

Looking for 22.

Did you bid?

No, I'm kidding.

I'll take 21.

I'll do 50, please.

I've got 20 there.

I'll take 21 pound.

We all done?

Last time.

Oh!

21 there.

[LAUGHTER] AUCTIONEER: 22 on you, madame.

You can't pull out now, you started.

22 pounds I've got.

23 there.

Looking for 24.

24 pound I've got.

25 there.

Looking for 26.

Go on.

Go on.

Are we all done?

Last time.

Are you all sure?

You'll kick yourself when you get home.

[LAUGHTER] - 24.

Looking for 26.

Are we all done?

Last time at 25 pounds.

Oh Mark!

NARRATOR: She'd make a good scarecrow for someone.

Now for our climax.

That man I hired with a sandwich board saying, harmonium for sale, is obviously paying off.

NARRATOR: Let's pull out all the stops.

Ha!

We tried to go online to find out if there was a Harmonium Appreciation Society, but they closed in about 1795.

[LAUGHTER] Let's get down to it.

Bids we made at only 70 pounds on that harmonium table.

I want 75.

I've got 70 for it.

I want 75.

It's worth all of that.

It is.

75.

80 pounds.

85.

90 pounds.

95 I need.

I want 95 anywhere.

It is working.

95 I need.

I'll take 92.

90, I'm looking for 92.

No.

No!

Last time for 90 pounds.

Oh.

Oh.

That's it.

It's all over.

90 pounds.

NARRATOR: That organ failure has almost certainly sunk the pirates.

But Thomas has the scores.

THOMAS: I've done my math.

PHYLLIS: Uh-huh.?

Tell us.

I'm afraid, Kevin, you're taking out the recycling.

Oh.

Six weeks.

- Oh.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Well done.

Nobody likes a gloater, Phyl.

Oh.

NARRATOR: Kevin and Thomas began with 400 pounds, and after paying auction costs, they made a loss of 116 pounds and 70 p leaving them with just 283 pounds and 30p.

Whilst Phyllis and Mark, who also started out with 400 pounds made, after paying auction costs, a loss of 34 pounds and 44p.

So they are today's victors with 365 pounds and 56p.

There's really nothing in it.

[LAUGHTER] We've had a great time.

It's been fantastic.

THOMAS: I'm very sorry we didn't make any money.

I know, but it was really good fun.

Tough luck.

Oh, never mind.

It's been a real pleasure.

- It's been fantastic.

- You too.

- Well done, victor.

- Thanks, Tom.

Thank you, Mark.

Let's do it again sometime.

Well done, us.

See you later.

NARRATOR: Bye bye.

[ENGINE STARTING] We'll flog the Jag and make some money.

[PHYLLIS CHUCKLES] [UPBEAT MUSIC]