TIM WONNACOTT: The nation's favorite celebrities-- Oh, I like that.

TIM WONNACOTT: Paired up with an expert-- Oh, we've had some fun, haven't we?

TIM WONNACOTT: And a classic car.

It feels as if it could go quite fast.

TIM WONNACOTT: Their mission-- to scour Britain for antiques.

Yes!

Fantastic.

Now do that in slow-mo.

TIM WONNACOTT: The aim-- to make the biggest profit at auction.

Come on, boys.

TIM WONNACOTT: But it's no easy ride.

Ta-da!

TIM WONNACOTT: Who will find a hidden gem?

Don't sell me!

TIM WONNACOTT: Who will take the biggest risks?

Go away, darling.

TIM WONNACOTT: Will anybody follow expert advice?

I'm trying to spend money here.

TIM WONNACOTT: There will be worthy winners-- Yes!

TIM WONNACOTT: And valiant losers.

Put your pedal to the metal.

This is the "Celebrity Antiques Road Trip."

Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] On today's show, prepare yourself.

We have a pair of funny girls from the dizzy heights of British comedy, Jan Ravens and Ronni Ancona.

RONNI ANCONA: We need a couple of bottles of Bolly, don't we?

[INAUDIBLE] We could just go away, darling.

Just get a couple of bottles of Bolly, darling.

Should we just get a couple of bottles of Bolly?

And some Stoli.

And go on the run.

JAN RAVENS: Bolli-Stoli, darling.

Bolli-Stoli.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] TIM WONNACOTT: Impressionist and actor, the smoldering Ronni has had an illustrious career spanning over 20 years.

And her talent for mimicry knows no bounds.

A regular on Radio 4, Jan is also an esteemed actor, amazing imitator, and is a stalwart of comedy brilliance.

The talented twosome are old friends and have a rather nifty 1977 Jaguar XJC to whoosh about the country.

Stately.

Look at this-- this beaut-- I love a Jaguar.

I do like a walnut fascia.

It's so-- oh.

TIM WONNACOTT: Steady, Ronni.

They each have a bag of money totaling 400 pounds.

I'm going to spend all the money on a handbag for me.

Is that the wrong-- - Yeah, that's the wrong thing.

[INAUDIBLE] You've got to-- you can't-- I think you can't keep the thing.

You've got to sell the thing you've bought.

- What?

- You've got to make a profit.

- What?

- You've got to make-- Can I just check the contract on that?

JAN RAVENS: No, I think you've got to make a profit.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, I think we need a bit of expert guidance.

And who better than auctioneers James Braxton and Philip Serrell?

PHILIP SERRELL: Well, for me, this is a lifelong ambition that I've now achieved.

Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

- What?

To be driven in a Bentley?

By Braxton.

Braxton [INAUDIBLE].

Braxton-- drive on, Braxton.

Get the Bentley, Braxton.

[LAUGHS] It's got a nice ring to it.

JAMES BRAXTON: It's got a good ring, has it?

PHILIP SERRELL: I like it a lot, yeah.

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

TIM WONNACOTT: Certainly does.

The gents have the majesty of the 1989 Bentley 8 to purr about the placing.

PHILIP SERRELL: James, when was the last time we worked together?

JAMES BRAXTON: Last spring, last year.

And you know, you get to know people to a certain level.

And then you start teasing them-- - Yeah.

- Obviously.

I think I know where this is going.

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah, you and your wig have been a staple of television for about 18 years?

16 years?

James, I don't wear a wig.

TIM WONNACOTT: Just concentrate on the driving, Braxton.

Meanwhile, in a Jag-- Oh, who are you hoping to have, by the way, as your expert?

[LAUGHTER] I just hope it's not that grumpy one that wears a scarf.

RONNI ANCONA: [LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Whoops.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Our antiques escapade begins in the town of Redcar in North Yorkshire, winding its merry way around the Northeast before landing in the Cheshire town of Stockport for the auction finale.

[INAUDIBLE] TIM WONNACOTT: Time to meet the grumpy one with the scarf and good old Brackers.

Look at that.

It's a lovely car, isn't it?

[INAUDIBLE] [CAR SQUEAKING] What a racket.

Oh, my!

TIM WONNACOTT: Can we get some oil, please?

- Morning!

- Morning, morning.

JAN RAVENS: Hello.

This is very jolly.

It's is very jolly.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Very jolly, indeed.

It's sunny, and it's Yorkshire.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

- Hello, I'm Jan. - Hi.

JAMES BRAXTON: Hello.

- Philip.

How are you?

- Hello.

- Philip, hello.

- James.

- How are you?

- Very good.

Doing all right?

Good to see you.

I'm Ronni.

The most important question is-- - Yes.

- Who's with who?

Ronni.

How are you?

Hi!

Oh, I think we're the same height, we are.

Hi!

TIM WONNACOTT: Well, I think James and Ronni have bonded.

- And Ronni-- - Is this a height-- - I can offer you the Bentley.

- Correlation thing?

- The Bentley.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that will do, my darling angel.

Will it?

Will that be all right for you?

TIM WONNACOTT: Time to get those big wheels moving with Ronni and James in the Bentley and Jan and Phil in the Jag.

Teams decided, are there any plans afoot?

I negotiate for you or we bring a third person along with us.

A third person?

Yeah.

Maybe we could get Theresa May to come along with her false laugh and her tense mouth.

And she would conduct a very proper negotiation.

TIM WONNACOTT: Let's leave them to it and join the other pair.

Jim, this car, she just purrs.

It's lovely, isn't it?

I've suddenly developed an appalling superiority complex ever since I've got in it.

[LAUGHS] I've suddenly realized my whole life has been wrong driving a rusty old lawnmower.

TIM WONNACOTT: Can we order up a Bentley for Ronni, please?

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC] Redcar Antiques is the first port of call for Ronni and James.

Just look at that weather.

God, that's so beautiful.

- That is calling us.

- Yes.

It's calling us, isn't it?

It's a treasure trove.

Yeah.

TIM WONNACOTT: Certainly is jam-packed in there.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC] Ronni wastes no time finding something she rather fancies.

RONNI ANCONA: These fantastic old watercolor-- JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

Things are just-- oh, they're so-- Lovely watercolor boxes, aren't they?

Who's that?

25 pounds.

So that's mahogany, isn't it?

It's lovely.

TIM WONNACOTT: George Rowney and sons were notable and much respected art materials manufacturer and even supplied the eminent Constable and Turner, don't you know?

This reminds me of my grandfather, who was an artisan.

He used to paint me little scenes from the ballet and send me.

And his father was a cartoonist for "Punch."

JAMES BRAXTON: Right.

And was one of the first cartoonists to do those big heads on little bodies on football cards-- JAMES BRAXTON: Oh!

Those old football cards.

And my mother was an artist, and it ran in the family.

And I loved-- I just always used to remember coming up to her room when she was painting or my grandfather-- and these lovely old palettes.

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

That's the nice height on that.

But it is a beautiful item, especially if we can pass it off as van Gogh's, we can give it a go, James.

What are you think?

JAMES BRAXTON: [LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Steady.

As a trained artist herself, it's no wonder that it's caught Ronni's eye.

What's this then?

These are fun.

Look.

This is a mechanical-- RONNI ANCONA: Oh, wow!

JAMES BRAXTON: A mechanical drinks cabinet.

RONNI ANCONA: Wow!

JAMES BRAXTON: Isn't that fun?

RONNI ANCONA: You see that?

It's fantastic.

But in my case, it would have to be open at all times.

It's too much.

JAMES BRAXTON: That's a great thing.

RONNI ANCONA: And have you come across a lot of-- JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah, it's one of those things that used to be around a lot, but now it has sort of slightly disappeared from the auction rooms because they're great fun.

This is what people had in their offices.

RONNI ANCONA: Amazing.

To me, it fascinates me because I think who opened that up?

Who had conversations over that?

TIM WONNACOTT: Romantic.

It's priced at $250 pounds.

While they have another rootle about, let's catch up with Jan and Phil.

PHILIP SERRELL: Do you study dialects and things like that?

JAN RAVENS: No.

Oh, sorry.

Do you know what I thought you said?

Dialects.

I thought you said, "Do study daleks?"

Yeah, no.

Sorry about that.

And I was about to say, "No, I've never liked Dr.

Who."

No.

TIM WONNACOTT: Watch your diction, Phil.

Our duo have made their way to the town of Yarm in Stockton-on-Tees.

Rudby House Antiques, owned by Sandy, is their first shop of choice.

It has three floors of wares to peruse.

JAN RAVENS: Look, my mom used to have all these Daulton ornaments.

I never liked them then.

They're an age gone by, aren't they?

JAN RAVENS: Yeah, they are.

TIM WONNACOTT: Leave the Royal Daulton behind then.

What's this she's found?

Oh, look!

These little mouse things.

I went to a visit to my husband's old school, and they had those little mice on the benches-- you know, the dining room benches.

PHILIP SERRELL: Can I get them out?

SANDY: Of course, you can.

TIM WONNACOTT: Robert "Mouseman" Thompson is a British furniture maker renowned for a signature mouse, which made its first appearance in 1919 due to a chance conversation about being as poor as a church mouse.

What you really want from Mouseman is the earlier examples.

This is a cheese board.

JAN RAVENS: Yes.

PHILIP SERRELL: And you can see where someone's just cut it.

JAN RAVENS: Yes.

PHILIP SERRELL: Which, in a way-- JAN RAVENS: Is nice.

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

Yeah.

But I would think these are probably quite late in Mouseman terms, perhaps '60s.

TIM WONNACOTT: The cheese board has a ticket price of 150 pounds.

Time for a chat with Sandy, I fancy.

So the cheese board-- Right.

It's a lovely little thing, but you've had it for a while.

I have.

PHILIP SERRELL: Well, we can tell you what we think we can pay for it.

It's like 80 or 90 pounds worth.

Well, I'll try and do my best for you.

I really will.

- I know you will.

You helped before.

- I will.

I'll try and do my best, right.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, my.

While Sandy has a think about the price, Jan and Phil practice their skills of negotiation.

PHILIP SERRELL: Sandy, could you take 50 pounds?

(AS SANDY) Well, yes-- That's a little Edwardian-- yes, I'm back.

So don't say anything you don't want me to hear.

- All right.

- No, she was doing a-- No, I was just about to do an impression of you.

[LAUGHS] She was doing an impression of you.

It was really good.

- Oh, were you!

(AS SANDY) Yes, I was.

I was doing an impression.

Oh, brilliant.

(AS SANDY) Yes.

And I was-- oh, you need your eyes tested if you think I'm going to give that away for a 100 quid.

[LAUGHS] PHILIP SERRELL: She's good, isn't she?

- No.

- No?

[LAUGHS] No.

I think you're brilliant.

Aww, thank you.

I think you're brilliant.

Thank you.

- Now what do we think?

- Right.

Oh, look, we've got matching nails.

Oh, I know.

- Oh, [INAUDIBLE] - No, not you.

[INAUDIBLE] Right.

TIM WONNACOTT: Nice diversion, Jan. You did say 90.

I can't do it on 90.

PHILIP SERRELL: OK.

But I'll do it for 100.

I'm going to go for the Mouseman cheese board.

Is that a deal?

Deal.

SANDY: Deal, Jan. JAN RAVENS: OK. TIM WONNACOTT: Pay up, Jan. 40-pound discount off the Mouseman cheese platter is an excellent result.

You're a lovely woman, Jan. You're a lovely woman, Sandy.

Thank you very much.

- [CLEARS THROAT] (AS SANDI TOKSVIG) Just as nice as my good friend Sandi Toksvig.

[LAUGHS] Oh, yes!

(AS SANDI TOKSVIG) Sandi Toksvig, curiously.

Curiously.

(NORMAL VOICE) Yes, good ol' Sandi.

Hey, that's good.

Yeah?

TIM WONNACOTT: [INAUDIBLE] Meanwhile, back in sunny Redcar, anybody fancy a wind farm?

Uh, I mean, [INAUDIBLE] our determined shoppers getting on in a roundabout sort of way.

JAMES BRAXTON: What items do you like?

I really do-- I do like that at Edwardian's drink cabinet.

JAMES BRAXTON: You can buy another item.

You know, we can always buy two.

Well, what is your opinion at all even?

JAMES BRAXTON: I like the artist box.

It has something of you, you know, your theatrical backdrops, the artist, all that sort of thing.

TIM WONNACOTT: Now, James is going to help guide negotiations.

Remember, the drinks cabinet with the cocktail shaker and glasses is priced at 250 pounds and the artist box at 25.

Standby for a masterclass.

Now James, if I said to you 140 for the drinks cabinet?

I'd say 150.

You'd say 150.

And Ronni, I would shake his hand at 150.

I think we could do 150.

Yes.

- Yeah.

That's a good.

Shake-- shake it.

That's a good deal.

That's a good deal.

I've got deal!

But I quite like-- what about the artist box?

JAN RAVENS: Well, I love the artist box because I just-- JAMES: It could be-- About 10 or so.

It can be 10, if you like.

10?

Yes, please.

Shake his hand, Ronni.

Shake his hand.

- I'm so excited.

- James-- - I could get used to this.

Give me your hand.

I think I'm going to kiss it.

Well done.

TIM WONNACOTT: Hey, don't frighten the bloke.

Thank you so much, James.

Give-- money.

Money.

160.

Oh, money!

Money, yeah.

Oh, gosh.

TIM WONNACOTT: He might change his mind.

That was swift, and efficient, and two lovely lot to start you off.

Meanwhile, Jan and Phil-- Can you do a Ronni?

(AS RONNI) Oh, darling, well I-- I-- I do do Ronni, darling.

But you know, I think she's got a bit sick of me doing her, darling.

Because, you know, she's-- the thing with Ronni is that you think she's-- you know, she's really kind of dippy, but actually she's an exocet missile, darling.

Is she?

TIM WONNACOTT: She certainly is.

Jan and Phil have journeyed to the town of Hartlepool in County Durham.

She doesn't know it yet, but we've got a real treat in store for her.

[GENTLE MUSIC] This quiet little town dates back as far as the 7th century.

But according to local legend, it was the site of a terrifying and sordid episode.

PHILIP SERRELL: Here we are.

Look.

JAN RAVENS: The Museum of Hartlepool.

OK. Well, this is all a bit of a mystery.

TIM WONNACOTT: As one of the country's leading satirists, Jan is meeting with museum curator Mark Simmons to find out about one of the early forms of satire that took place right here in the 19th century.

During the Napoleonic wars, a French ship was seen floundering off the coast of Hartlepool.

Throughout this period, there was a real threat of invasion.

Locals gathered at the beach to investigate the wreck to find there was one remaining survivor.

Clinging to the wreckage is a tiny little shivering monkey.

Oh!

[INAUDIBLE] In a little sort of sailor costume.

Only the fishermen don't realize it's a monkey.

They hear it's gibbering in fright, and they think that it's a Frenchman speaking French because they've never seen a Frenchman before.

The little monkey?

TIM WONNACOTT: The ship's monkey mascot confused the fishermen.

They believed their simian hostage was a French spy.

They sentenced the poor beast to death, hanging it in the town square.

JAN RAVENS: They thought the monkey was a Frenchman because they'd never seen a French person before?

You spotted the big thing with the legend, it's complete rubbish.

It's not true at all.

TIM WONNACOTT: Actually, the roots of this tale lie in a song, "The Fishermen Hung the Monkey, O!"

It was written by local folk singer and comedian Ned Corvan some 50 years after the incident is supposed to have occurred.

(SINGING) Come and see the Frenchie who's landed on the beach.

He's got long arms, a great long tail, and he's covered all in hair.

We think that he's a spy, so we'll hang him in the square.

The idea was that it was poking fun at how silly, how stupid could people be?

And it's the people that he's talking about, the fishermen who are singing the song along with him in the pubs, in the music halls.

In the original words of the song, there's little hints that they're sort of poking fun at local politicians and local bigwigs.

So it was kind of like the spitting image of its day or indeed the dead ringers.

Yeah, exactly.

So the joke is about how can people be so stupid not to realize these things?

And isn't that what satirists do?

Satirists is exaggerate.

Yeah, you do exaggerate.

Obviously, you always exaggerate for comic effect.

But I think you have to be careful about what symbols you use.

They were living in a different world in-- Yes.

The 1850s was a very different world.

No, there was no political correctness, that's for sure.

But there's a very different attitude.

You're living in a very different sort of times.

And humor doesn't age well, does it?

Are there people around here who believe this story themselves?

I've met people who honestly believe there's a-- there was a real ship, there's a real monkey-- PHILIP SERRELL: Is this local people or people-- Local people, yeah.

I've spoken to people who believe that the story is still true.

But there's no connection between a monkey and Hartlepool before Corvan does his song in 1854.

TIM WONNACOTT: Over the centuries, the legend has been much used to taunt Hartlepoolians and has remained such a popular tale that even the local rugby team are known as the monkey hangers.

Locals take the story in good humor and even have a statue to the monkey's honor.

The myth may be bizarre and strange, but the ditty penned over 150 years ago is responsible for giving Hartlepool a piece of folklore that refuses to disappear.

Let's catch up now with Ronni and James.

- Let's hear Nigella preparing-- - She's changed-- A chocolate cake.

No, she doesn't do chocolate cake now.

Why?

Because now she does things like avocado on toast.

But she still makes it sound very complex.

(AS NIGELLA LAWSON) I love bread.

It's so primal.

It's like eating the essence of life itself.

And when it's cooked, it's called toast.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Very good.

Nigella and-- I mean, Ronni and James have traveled Southeast to the village of Sleights in the Esk Valley.

Eskdale Antiques beckons.

Hey, this is lovely, isn't it?

RONNI ANCONA: This gorgeous.

TIM WONNACOTT: Looks delightful.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC] Were they flags?

My name is Lena, Queen of the [INAUDIBLE].. Come-- [LAUGHS] I don't like-- he's got-- I love the way he's arranged everything.

I don't know if you're taking this seriously enough.

I'm taking it seriously.

I'm going to be in trouble now.

Put down the canes.

TIM WONNACOTT: His bark is worse than his bite.

As you were, Ronni.

Right.

Right.

Oh, now-- JAMES BRAXTON: What are you finding now?

RONNI ANCONA: Look at this!

JAMES BRAXTON: Ohh.

Oh, that's got a bit of weight to it.

Has it got a bit of weight?

(AS JAMES) That's got a bit of weight.

(NORMAL VOICE) It's rather gorgeous, isn't it?

JAMES BRAXTON: I like a bit of brass, don't you?

Do you like a bit of brass?

RONNI ANCONA: I've got a lot of-- I love a bit of brass.

Do you clean it, Ronni?

I am a prime brass cleaner.

Well done.

Well done.

RONNI ANCONA: Now look, I love this because I'm obsessed with elephants.

JAMES BRAXTON: So am I!

Now I quite like this.

- That's that.

- Now tell me about-- do you know anything-- what does it say?

[INAUDIBLE] - I think it's got a bit of age.

I think it's 19th century.

It's a vase.

Asian.

It's probably Chinese.

RONNI ANCONA: Asian elephant vase.

JAMES BRAXTON: Asian.

RONNI ANCONA: So not-- definitely not Asian dolphin with a long tongue.

JAMES BRAXTON: It's got-- it's quite sparing, isn't it?

It's quite sparing.

Beautifully made.

So this all inlaid.

RONNI ANCONA: Beautifully made.

I think this is-- JAMES BRAXTON: So it's brass body.

RONNI ANCONA: This is quite potentially interesting.

JAMES BRAXTON: Silver pewter, interesting.

(WHISPERING) Honey, what's the price on it?

Too much.

It's a 125.

We can't do that.

Never look at a price tag.

(WHISPERING) We need to get that under 50.

- I love the way you said that-- - Under 50.

RONNI ANCONA: "Never look a price tag."

TIM WONNACOTT: Let's go and see shopkeeper Phil to get to grips with a possible deal.

Have you found something you're interested in?

Yes.

We rather like this piece.

Where's he gone?

- I'm here.

Oh, there he is.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: You can't miss a Braxton.

JAMES BRAXTON: Phil, what sort of vase do you think it is?

PHIL: 1880s?

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah, I think so.

PHIL: Yeah, late Victorian.

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah, late 19th century with that band there.

We need to ascertain that with the brigade.

OK.

I told James about that.

Yeah.

He didn't know.

JAMES BRAXTON: Could that be 40, Phil?

It does have a good bit of quality.

I think we could probably be doing that at about 65.

65.

[EXHALING HEAVILY] Now this is where you sound like your plumber, you see?

65?

Yeah.

OK. Well, see, I'd love to help you-- I'd love to help you out with that.

But the thing is-- oh, it's more than my swap.

I mean, 65-- 60?

60, would be fine.

[INAUDIBLE] Oh, no!

I've done it all wrong.

No, [INAUDIBLE] I can't go back now.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, James, 60 is a very good deal.

Ronni's haggled a great discount.

What a successful day.

Beautiful.

Successful.

Although I sense you were a little bit miffed about my dealmaking at the end.

Yeah, I thought the dealmaking was rubbish, really.

So considering my opening offer was 40-- The point is he offered 65, and I, the milk of human kindness, JAMES BRAXTON: [INAUDIBLE] I couldn't bear to-- JAMES BRAXTON: Go on.

Go on, drive me home.

Drive me home.

- I was trying to be-- Come on.

Kind.

I think it was-- it was like a shaving of Parmesan.

TIM WONNACOTT: You did a brilliant job there, Ronni.

Don't listen to the rumbles from James.

I think a bit of a rest, don't you?

So nighty-night.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] Refreshed and ready for the day ahead.

How are we feeling this morning, girls?

Today, I'm feeling-- I've changed.

I'm going to be hard.

I'm going to be ruthless-- - Are you?

Yeah, ruthless.

I'm going to show him-- in fact, when James offers a price, I'm going to actually-- JAN RAVENS: Are you going to under?

Undercut him.

And I'll go, my partner, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

He may be offering 40, but I'm telling you, 20 is my final offer.

I'm going to be [INAUDIBLE] boy and [INAUDIBLE] today.

You've gone more like Pat from "EastEnders," actually.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Ronni's revved up for buying.

But what about happy and grumpy?

The thing with Jan yesterday-- Yeah.

Is that she-- you say to Jan be a Brummie, and she can be a Brummie.

- Yeah.

Be a [INAUDIBLE] and she can be a [INAUDIBLE].. Be a Geordie, and she can be a Geordie.

This is instant dialect, accent, whatever.

I mean, what is it really?

JAMES BRAXTON: Ronni's very elegant.

(QUIETLY) And she speaks very quietly.

[INAUDIBLE] (QUIETLY) Very quietly.

(NORMAL VOICE) So she draws you in.

Well, that's kind of whispering at each other.

She draws you in.

TIM WONNACOTT: She certainly does.

Yesterday, our talented girls entered into the realm of antiques with plenty of gusto.

Ronni and James launched into proceedings with the utmost of zest.

They bought the watercolor set, the rather nifty drinks cabinet, and the Chinese bronze vase.

They have 180 pounds left in their road-tripping wallet.

Jan and Phil were very careful with their money.

They bought the Mouseman cheese platter and have a massive 300 pounds to splurge.

Right, let's catch up with the troops.

[HORN HONKING] It's got a horn, hasn't it?

[LAUGHTER] Hi!

JAMES BRAXTON: Morning.

- So, hi there.

- Hi.

How are you?

All right.

- Have you missed us?

- Desperately.

Oh, it's been so long.

Desperately.

Come on.

It's time for more shopping.

- What have you got?

- [INAUDIBLE] Hi.

How are you?

What have you got?

- More shopping.

- What's going on today?

- Hello, love.

- Hi, hi, hi.

My favorite alpine.

Favorite what?

Alpine.

My favorite alpine outfit.

[INAUDIBLE] Have you been doing any impersonations of us?

We want to know that?

No, we would never do anything that disrespectful, would we, Jan?

(AS PHIL) No.

(AS JAMES) Never.

Of course, we wouldn't.

(AS PHIL) Well, we better get on because, otherwise, we'll never get finished today.

(AS JAMES) Yeah.

Yes, and for goodness sake, next time you're bargaining, would you do-- Come on.

Come on.

TIM WONNACOTT: Whoever you are then, the shops await.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] Let's jump in with Jan and Phillip.

They're making their way to the village of West Auckland in County Durham.

Just while there's no one else here, and there's no one watching, no one listening, and we're just on our own-- Yeah?

Do me a James.

(AS JAMES) Do you a James?

Well, the thing about James is he talks through a smile the whole time, doesn't he?

And sort from-- sort of from up here somewhere.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: That's uncanny.

Another beautiful day.

HAGAS Antiques is where we're headed.

It's crammed to the rafters, don't you know?

[UPBEAT MUSIC] Phil is sharing his knowledge.

If I own this, what I would do is take all these handles off and throw them away.

And I start again, but I make them all odd.

I think you have quite a bit of fun.

JAN RAVENS: Oh, right.

You know, picture the glass handle, a porcelain handle-- Yeah.

A brass swan-neck handle.

That's a very boho idea, Phil.

Well, you now.

That's very boho, isn't it?

Yes.

How do you think [INAUDIBLE] what would Hyacinth think to that?

Hyacinth.

(AS HYACINTH BUCKET) Well, of course it's Hyacinth territory where we're going for the auction, isn't it?

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

(AS HYACINTH BUCKET) I think Hyacinth would think that was perfectly awful, scruffy.

PHILIP SERRELL: She'd like mahogany.

(AS HYACINTH BUCKET) She'd like a nice mahogany with a doily on top.

PHILIP SERRELL: Right.

TIM WONNACOTT: (AS HYACINTH BUCKET) Quiet right.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] (NORMAL VOICE) After a mosey around, Jan finds something interesting.

JAN RAVENS: This is sweet.

It's got a design on the bottom, as well as the top.

I would think there's every chance that that's a little snuff box.

Possibly Indian silver, but possibly not because it's not-- You can sort of carry your pills around in your handbag in it.

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

JAN RAVENS: Just, you know, whenever you needed them, sweetie.

PHILIP SERRELL: This is where we need a jolly good look.

And actually, I think I might need [INAUDIBLE] here.

I'm sorry.

TIM WONNACOTT: Time to look professional, eh, Phil?

Oh, hello.

Yeah, see this actually doesn't tell me anything at all, but it does look rather good on camera.

It makes me look-- (LAUGHING) As if you know what you're talking about.

No, I know what I'm doing.

The reality is you and I both know that I ain't got a clue.

I mean, I think it's 5 or 10 pounds worth.

TIM WONNACOTT: And while she's there, Jan's spied another little something.

JAN RAVENS: This is quite sweet.

What's that?

PHILIP SERRELL: Well, it's little spill vase.

And-- Spills for-- what, the fire or for-- Well, either for fire-- Or you can put fragrance in there.

- Or little flower vase.

- Yeah.

PHILIP SERRELL: But it's Chinese.

You can tell it's Chinese because these are bamboo shoots.

Look.

It's about 100, 120 years old.

It's a little bit of Chinese export silver.

And if you bought the two for 30 pounds, you'd probably be all right.

You can make them one lot.

TIM WONNACOTT: Neither item is priced.

Time to find owner Alistair to talk money.

But hang on.

What's this?

Sitting down with tea and cake?

Well, I suppose Phil is getting on a bit.

I think the way forward might be, Jan, if you told Alistair what we're interested in, and you be the good cop, and I'll be the miserable, horrible-- Surely not.

[INAUDIBLE] Oh, Alistair, you gave me a fright.

Well, that little snuff box or pill box is probably around 10 quid.

And the other thing is around 20 pounds.

That's where we're coming from.

Has he gone quiet?

[INAUDIBLE] Has he gone quiet?

[INAUDIBLE] a bit of cake.

Cake's really good.

Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted the shirt off my back as well.

[LAUGHTER] TIM WONNACOTT: We do have to watch him, Alistair.

ALISTAIR DONALDSON: I think I could do them for a really good price of 40 pounds for you, Phil.

Really?

Yeah.

I think there's a nice profit in there.

PHILIP SERRELL: What about if we made you our best offer of 30 quid?

No disrespect, Phil, but if the lady was to offer me 35 pounds, then I might be able to accept it.

(QUIETLY) Go 30 and see what he says.

Hold your hand out like that.

Got to shake his hand.

30.

- Go on then.

- Oh!

Oh!

[INAUDIBLE] Thank you.

You're really, really conscious.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Cheers.

- Can I shake your hand?

You can be a gentleman.

TIM WONNACOTT: Nice bit of work there, Jan and Phil.

The snuff box and the spill vase for 30 pounds.

Well done.

Meanwhile, back in the Bentley-- JAMES BRAXTON: I have one word for you, Ronni.

RONNI ANCONA: Oh, yes?

JAMES BRAXTON: Quiots.

RONNI ANCONA: How dare you, sir.

JAMES BRAXTON: Quiots.

Quiots, it's game.

Is that in your very beautiful RP accent?

Is that you just mispronouncing "kites?"

No, "quiots."

I'm going to says "kites."

"Kites."

We're going go into Tynes to do kite-- no, it's not "kites."

- "Quoits."

- It's "quoits."

- "Quoits."

It's "quoits."

Oh, "quoits."

JAMES BRAXTON: "Quoits."

TIM WONNACOTT: Quite right.

What on Earth are they babbling on about?

Well, I'll tell you.

Ronni and James have motored to the town of Darlington in County Durham.

James has sniffed out a rather exclusive club dedicated to a sport that dates back thousands of years.

Founded 170 years ago, the Darlington Quoits Club is the oldest surviving club of its type in England.

The game involves throwing a metal ring around a target on the ground.

Hello!

TIM WONNACOTT: And Ronni and James are meeting with club president Dave Watson to find out just why this ancient game has survived the sands of time.

Do come in.

RONNI ANCONA: [INAUDIBLE] JAMES BRAXTON: Thank you.

Thank you.

Ladies first.

There we are.

JAMES BRAXTON: Ladies first.

- Look at this!

Oh, yes, it's a quoit!

It's a quoit.

A quoit.

TIM WONNACOTT: Well done, James.

Quite right.

By the 15th century, quoits was an organized sport in pubs and taverns, particularly in the Northeast of England.

And by 1881, the first official rules were printed.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] Dave, I know you're a huge expert in this so forgive the sort of simplicity of this initial question, but what is quoits?

Well, it's a game, and it originated in Ancient Greece.

It was one of the five games of the pentathlon.

Later on, it came to England brought by the Romans when they invaded.

They tended to throw at a target.

So instead of throwing it as far as you could, they were throwing it at an object placed on the ground.

TIM WONNACOTT: As time marched on, the sporting pastime was a firm favored with the workers of the land.

And when the Industrial Revolution spawned an army of a workforce in mining and steel industries, quoits had a peak of popularity.

What makes Darlington Quoit Club so special?

Which of course it is.

Absolutely.

Established in 1846, and here are some of the founder members.

There were in fact 49 of them all together.

And they were all professional people.

There was a banker, a tanner.

RONNI ANCONA (VOICEOVER): And that was different, wasn't it?

That was unusual-- DAVE WATSON (VOICEOVER): Absolutely.

RONNI ANCONA (VOICEOVER): That they were professional people.

Instead the working people being involved, we have more professional people.

And was that exclusive to sort of Darlington Quoit Club in a way.

DAVE WATSON (VOICEOVER): Pretty much so, yes.

RONNI ANCONA (VOICEOVER): Yes.

DAVE WATSON (VOICEOVER): And goes on today.

TIM WONNACOTT: Enough with the history.

What about a go at the game itself?

Dave first.

- Oh!

- So this is-- That was bang on.

DAVE WATSON: This is a ringer.

RONNI ANCONA: That's bang on!

- This is a ringer.

That's a ringer?

It's gone round the hole.

TIM WONNACOTT: Cracking shot.

Your turn now, James.

1, 2.

[UPBEAT MUSIC] [LAUGHS] Just-- just slightly over enthused.

RONNI ANCONA (VOICEOVER): We're sorry the window.

We'll-- we'll-- we'll-- we'll pay for that later.

I was very-- go on.

You get in.

It's all to-- - We'll pay for that later.

- [INAUDIBLE] - Oh, is that your lunch money?

- Go on.

Get in.

Go on.

Oh.

Right.

Oh, I'm a bit scared.

I'm a bit nervous.

Watch the [INAUDIBLE].

Watch the loafers.

TIM WONNACOTT: They're very smart.

[QUOIT RATTLES] That-- Oh, good.

I'm still nearer.

Sorry about the-- I'm still nearer.

I'm still nearer.

TIM WONNACOTT: Hopeless, the pair of you.

Since it was founded in 1846, Darlington Quoits Club has been a guardian of a sport that has changed little since its creation 2,500 years ago.

Time for James to recreate the game of the Ancient Greeks.

Off come the braces.

[LAUGHS] [GASPS] What are you doing?

TIM WONNACOTT: What is he doing?

Now surely to goodness he's not going to-- Oh, crikey Moses!

He is!

JAMES BRAXTON: Watch how this is done, OK?

TIM WONNACOTT: Well, [COUGHS] the ancient Greeks would have felt the clay between their toes.

He is a sight for sore eyes, that man.

Crikey.

Now, where's Jan and Phil?

Let's have an eavesdrop.

It's very funny because I'm just thinking as we're going along in the car that that bloke will probably be, um, you know, doing that-- doing his voiceover.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Tim.

(AS TIM) So look here, I say, all going along in this lovely country road, I wonder what they're going to buy.

Because soon they're going to arrive at another shop.

Come on, Jan. Show us what you're made of.

TIM WONNACOTT: Well funnily enough, the voiceover bloke will probably say, Jan, you better get a move on and stop dilly dallying actually.

What about the Bentley?

Dare I listen in?

Now, I heard a rumor that you two have been doing impressions of us?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

I think that's quite frankly-- Do you think it's impertinent?

A little bit, yes.

TIM WONNACOTT: I know how you feel.

The gang have made their way to the town of Barnard Castle in County Durham.

We're sharing a shop.

Good job.

Mission Hall Antiques is big enough for this bunch.

There are over 40 dealers selling their wares in here.

And Jan and Phil are first to arrive.

I want to try and buy something nice and big.

- Meaty Beaty-- - Yeah.

Big and Bouncy?

I want a-- Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy, that's what I want.

TIM WONNACOTT: All right, Jan. You've got 270 pounds left.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC] Doesn't take them long to find something either.

Can you hold it.

I'm going to get my glasses out.

Yeah.

I think that's quite sweet actually.

I think that's a good choice.

JAN RAVENS: It's from Chester.

It's gold.

PHILIP SERRELL: Well, that's where we're going, isn't it?

JAN RAVENS: Yeah.

So we're going near Chester.

So somebody might think that's rather lovely and-- PHILIP SERRELL: Bit of an association?

JAN RAVENS: Yeah, an RAF sweetheart brooch, 1926, '27.

PHILIP SERRELL: We've got two chances with that.

There's the RAF connection, and there's the Chester connection.

But it's all down to money, isn't it?

Hmm.

Dave, what would be the very best on that?

What's it got on it?

PHILIP SERRELL: 48.

JAN RAVENS: 48.

Are we going the very best straightaway, are we?

We're going to wait a bit?

Well, we might go a bit lower than the very best though.

I mean, you never know your luck really, do you?

40 pounds.

TIM WONNACOTT: Well, that's one to consider then.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC] Jan spotted something too, a kitchen cabinet.

Quite different.

I really like this.

I think that's lovely.

It's kind of-- you know, it's plain.

It's functional.

It's kitcheny.

It sort of reminds me of that painting by Vermeer-- Yeah.

Of the maid with the jug-- Yeah.

You know, and the light coming through the window.

Because it's just sort of simple, and it serves a purpose.

And it's got these really useful-- Drop flaps.

Drop flaps.

PHILIP SERRELL: How much is that?

JAN RAVENS: 180.

TIM WONNACOTT: While those two ruminate, Ronni and James have arrived.

Well done.

In we hop-ski.

All right.

TIM WONNACOTT: 180 pounds is the sum total Ronni and James have left to splash.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC] JAMES BRAXTON: These are quite fun.

Oh, yes.

Tell me about those.

Very pretty.

JAMES BRAXTON: The were based on-- RONNI ANCONA: It's very pretty.

JAMES BRAXTON: Dutch flower bricks.

Yes?

And it's tin oxide pottery.

And this is Isis, Oxford.

RONNI ANCONA: Oh, from Oxford.

JAMES BRAXTON: From Oxford.

RONNI ANCONA: Is that the River Isis?

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

Yeah.

RONNI ANCONA: Would this be a copy of a-- JAMES BRAXTON: Copy, yeah, Dutch Delft.

Dutch.

RONNI ANCONA: A Dutch Delft, which would be, like, 18th century.

JAMES BRAXTON: 18th century.

It was for-- it was called a flower brick, and you put individual blooms in there.

RONNI ANCONA: But it's a nice copy, isn't it?

JAMES BRAXTON: It's a lovely copy.

And do you think that was very close to what they would have looked like in-- - Exactly.

Exactly.

- Wow!

JAMES BRAXTON: That is a copy with great integrity.

TIM WONNACOTT: It's priced at 24 pounds and is a possibility.

On the other side of the shop, Jan and Phil are still looking.

See this one's rather sort of hunky chunky, isn't it?

Yeah.

TIM WONNACOTT: A bit like Phil.

I like that.

Because there's a smaller one next to it.

But this one, you could, like-- you know, you could use-- you could either kind of keep it as a ladder or you can mount it on a wall as a display thing.

PHILIP SERRELL: I've seen them use the shelves.

JAN RAVENS: Hmm.

And you don't like that one at any price?

Uhh, well, I don't mind it.

How much are they?

- Well, shall I go and get Dave?

TIM WONNACOTT: Time to call in Dave to see if there's a deal to be made on the hunky chunky.

Out of the three sets of step ladders, Dave, which do you think you could do the best deal on for us?

We kind of like the big chunky ones.

DAVE: The big-- them big ones?

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

DAVE: They're very sellable items.

PHILIP SERRELL: Dave-- Dave-- now you're getting your caveats in before we've even got to the price yet, Dave.

I don't even know what's on it.

TIM WONNACOTT: The ticket price is 85 pounds.

DAVE: OK, 85.

PHILIP SERRELL: Our very best shot is 50 quid.

I'll tell you what I'll do-- Yeah?

You can have them for 60.

I think that's very, very reasonable.

PHILIP SERRELL: So do you want to buy those?

Yeah, OK.

Done.

You stick with fashion.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Cheers now.

TIM WONNACOTT: And while we're in the mood for deals, what about that kitchen cabinet?

It's priced at 180 pounds.

There's also this, Dave, which I'm very keen on.

I think it's very sort of utilitarian and pleasant.

DAVE: Yep.

And very popular at the moment.

Yes, you want to tell me how fabulous all my choices are.

Well, if you're selling at an auction, I think it's important.

PHILIP SERRELL: What could you do that for, please?

DAVE: 150.

PHILIP SERRELL: And is that the finish or is there a-- DAVE: Well, it's more or less, yes.

I think if we bought that, that could lose us about 70 quid.

If you think you're going to lose 70 pounds, there's not much point losing another 10, now is there is?

Yeah, but we got to like it.

There's a logic in that, isn't there?

DAVE: There is a logical in it.

Yeah, there is a logic in that.

TIM WONNACOTT: While Jan has a think, what about the other two?

RONNI ANCONA: Now these are interesting.

They're obviously-- JAMES BRAXTON: I like this.

To print a book-- for a locomotive book, aren't they?

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

RONNI ANCONA: They're printing blocks.

JAMES BRAXTON: And they're steam locomotives.

RONNI ANCONA: They're gorgeous.

JAMES BRAXTON: If you were mad on trains, wouldn't that be a fun thing?

RONNI ANCONA: Which my father is obsessed with them.

JAMES BRAXTON: Wouldn't that be lovely?

Yes.

I mean, they're very-- - And they're 10 pounds.

RONNI ANCONA: But which-- JAMES BRAXTON: So this one's going through a bridge, which is a classic scene.

We got puff, puff, puff for smoke there, haven't we?

You can smell the printing press on them.

JAMES BRAXTON: Ronni, you've got to choose one.

RONNI ANCONA: Cool.

JAMES BRAXTON: So I like that one.

It's really-- should we put that one down?

- OK. - Put that one down.

- Where we at?

- And we got the flower brick.

RONNI ANCONA: We've got the flower brick.

JAMES BRAXTON: You're happy with those?

I am.

[LAUGHS] There was some reluctance there, Ronni.

Well, you know-- no, I am.

I don't want to steamroll you into anything.

TIM WONNACOTT: You are being a bit of a bossy boots, James.

Let's find Dave to cut a deal.

The flower brick is priced at 24 pounds, and the printing block is 10.

JAMES BRAXTON: It's talking turkey time.

Dave, can you do anything on these?

Can you do anything?

Can I do anything on this?

RONNI ANCONA: Take mercy on us.

JAMES BRAXTON: Take mercy RONNI ANCONA: Have mercy.

DAVE: Rule of the house-- JAMES BRAXTON: Rule of the house-- RONNI ANCONA: Yes?

No discount under 10 pounds.

Ohh.

Under-- jolly lucky they're not 9 pounds, otherwise we wouldn't have got the discount, would we?

(LAUGHING) Oh, my.

God, that was lucky.

So lucky they're 10.

[INAUDIBLE] So how much do you give on-- Well, as a goodwill gesture, I'll knock your pound of that, and I'll do that for 20.

JAMES BRAXTON: What do you think, Ronni?

20 pounds-- 20 pounds?

And 9 pounds.

RONNI ANCONA: I think that's a good deal.

Thank you.

- Well done.

Well done.

Thank you, Dave.

- Well done.

- Thank you very much.

- Well done.

- Thank you.

Ahhh!

Thank you, Dave.

TIM WONNACOTT: And just when you think it's all over.

JAMES BRAXTON: We're done.

[GASPS] Look at that!

What is that?

RONNI ANCONA: That is hysterical.

It's a glass boot.

Do you know I've never seen a glass boot before?

Talk about a glass slipper.

That's fabulous, isn't it.

Cinderella.

That's kind of like for a hipster Cinderella.

Is it heavy?

It is heavy.

I presume it's a vase, right?

It would be a vase.

But isn't that great?

It's boot vase.

RONNI ANCONA: Isn't that the campest thing you have ever seen?

JAMES BRAXTON: Well, do you know what sells camp and cute?

- 35.

- Let's buy it.

- Shall we do it?

- Yeah, we got the money.

Come on.

- Come on.

Let's do it.

- Come on.

Let's go.

- Let's do it.

Let's go back in.

Back in, back in.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, Dave!

JAMES BRAXTON: Can you do a special price?

RONNI ANCONA: Special price?

Special price on that vase?

JAMES BRAXTON: What can you do?

A special price seeing as it's time to go home.

- Time to go home?

- Time to go.

- That's always good.

- That's good.

People desperate to go home.

JAMES BRAXTON: Come on.

Quick, get the money.

- 25 pound.

JAMES BRAXTON: 25.

- That's-- - Let's pay.

- That's good.

Let's do it.

- Let's do it.

I've done it.

JAMES BRAXTON: You've got it.

- Oh, my gosh.

- 25.

This is so exciting.

TIM WONNACOTT: A very swift purchase and a 10-pound discount off Ronni's final buy, the very camp glass boot.

Back to Jan and Phil, remember the RAF sweetheart brooch from earlier?

Well, Dave's agreed a price of 35 pounds.

So what's next?

I'm going to go for that nice little kitchen cabinet that reminds me of the Vermeer painting.

PHILIP SERRELL: Well it's a nice thing.

I mean, it's got a look.

Now, he said 150, he could perhaps knock a 10 or so off a bit more.

We've got 175 left, haven't we're.

Hmm.

PHILIP SERRELL: I'm going to make one last suggestion to you.

Mm-hmm.

Just down there, there's a little Charles Lloyd Loom rocking chair.

Oh, sweet.

Now if you want to spend all of your money-- JAN RAVENS: Oh, OK. PHILIP SERRELL: But do you see what I'm saying?

JAN RAVENS: Good.

That's interesting.

TIM WONNACOTT: Phil's leaving Jan on her ownsome to close the deal.

I've got 175 pounds left.

I would like to make an offer on the pine cabinet in there.

DAVE: Yeah?

JAN RAVENS: And there's also this interesting little rocking chair here.

Mm-hmm.

Child's rocking chair.

Do you know how much that is?

DAVE: It would have 45 on it.

And if that's 35, and the cabinet's 140-- 140, yeah.

But I said 150 on the cabinet.

10 pound, I wouldn't [INAUDIBLE] about, no.

JAN RAVENS: OK. 175 pounds.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, Dave.

How did you get on?

How did you get on?

I got a deal.

PHILIP SERRELL: Well done, you.

Well done, you.

- I got a deal.

Well done!

TIM WONNACOTT: Well done, Jan. You've blown the entire budget.

What a way to finish the shopping.

Come on, let's have a nosy at the bumper haul from both couples.

Come on.

Actions speak louder than words.

- Yes, actions-- JAMES BRAXTON: Come on.

Ready?

Ooh.

And-- There we are.

I love your paint box.

OK. Shall I show you our seller?

Shall I show?

- Yeah.

- Shall I say-- Shall I do the-- It looks-- it's a very humble table.

- Yeah.

- Here we are, mahogany.

Presentation.

And then you lift it up, and it's a mechanical drinks.

[LAUGHS] Mechanical drinks are in.

It's perfect for the office when you're giving someone the sack.

JAMES BRAXTON: And then look-- RONNI ANCONA: That's how you do it, yeah.

JAMES BRAXTON: Here we are.

And then look at the soft close.

Look at that.

RONNI ANCONA: Look at that.

JAN RAVENS: Ohh.

RONNI ANCONA: Come on.

PHILIP SERRELL: Look at that.

RONNI ANCONA: Ladies and gentleman-- PHILIP SERRELL: That's going to-- look at that.

JAN RAVENS: Look at it.

RONNI ANCONA: Ladies and gentleman-- PHILIP SERRELL: Look at that.

Which camp Cinderella left this here?

RONNI ANCONA: This is a-- This is a glass slipper.

No, this is Cinderella's Wellington boot.

JAN RAVENS: OK. RONNI ANCONA: Welly.

JAMES BRAXTON: Yeah.

If Cinderella lived in Hoxton or Shoreditch-- Yeah.

RONNI ANCONA: She'd have this instead of a glass slipper.

[INAUDIBLE] RONNI ANCONA: [INAUDIBLE] Right.

You've seen us.

Let's see yours.

Reveal the rubbish.

Oh.

Ohhh!

Actually-- Ohh!

They've got some nice things.

So this-- I'll tell you what, you could furnish a flat with that, couldn't you?

- Yeah.

- Now look-- - Yeah.

Let's have a look at this.

This is a Mouseman cheese board.

And I thought you'd like this Ronni because it's got a little creature on it.

I love-- oh, woodland creature!

Yes, a little creature.

I have mouse cheese plate envy now.

And here-- What is that?

What's that?

Well, this is a rather lovely kitchen cabinet, which I might just-- Does it open up to reveal decanters?

Yeah.

JAN RAVENS: I'm afraid-- - Is it mechanical?

- I'm afraid it doesn't.

What does it do?

- What does it-- - What does it do?

It does this.

Oh, just hinged.

JAN RAVENS: Yeah, it's just a sort of-- it's a hinge.

It was-- it's very sort of earthy-- Earthy.

Like me.

It's very Taurean-- earthy, passionate, and prone to run to fat.

[LAUGHTER] Anyway, see you at the auction.

TIM WONNACOTT: Right.

Spill it, you lot.

What do you really think?

I love a woodland creature.

Yeah, so the mouse.

I'm a slave to a woodland creature.

Yeah.

The boot's going to make a profit, isn't it?

I suppose it-- I mean, it's one of those things where if there's somebody that likes ghastly kitsch boots, then yes, it will.

I don't know.

Oh, rubbish.

Come on, have faith.

What do you think about their stuff.

I think we're winners.

I feel I can own my purchases, if you know what I'm saying.

I can own it.

I can't say anymore.

OK. [LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: You do own it, Jan. And on that note, let's get cracking to Stockport in Cheshire.

We have an auction to attend.

Oh, yes.

James, I mean, he doesn't stop smiling.

(AS JAMES) No, he doesn't stop.

[INAUDIBLE] actually, it's a bit sinister.

There's a touch about the (AS JACK NICHOLSON) here's is looking at you-- Oh, yeah.

It's a touch of the old Jack Nicholson.

(AS JACK NICHOLSON) Here's Johnny.

Here's James.

(AS JACK NICHOLSON) Here's James.

My cocktail cabinet is going to be better than any goddamn-- Any goddamn kitchen cabinet.

(AS JACK NICHOLSON) Any goddamn pine kitchen cabinet.

TIM WONNACOTT: Jack Nicholson?

That's a bit of a compliment.

Here we are.

Lovely.

TIM WONNACOTT: The gents await the lady's arrival.

[TIRES SQUEAL] PHILIP SERRELL: Squeaky deaky.

Darling, angels.

JAMES BRAXTON: Morning, morning, morning.

PHILIP SERRELL: Vision of loveliness and beauty.

The big day, guys.

PHILIP SERRELL: Isn't it?

- Are we ready?

Are we pumped?

JAMES BRAXTON: I've got the-- I've got the feeling we're going to win.

Hello.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Right.

Let battle commence.

TIM WONNACOTT: Let battle commence, indeed.

Ronni and James have spent 274 pounds on six lots.

Jan went for it and blew the whole 400 on 6 lots.

Good for her.

Maxwell Auctioneers is the sell room where, hopefully, the profits will fly for this giggly gang.

The auction is also open to internet bidders.

The man thumping the gavel is Max Blackmore.

Has he any special saves from our road trippers?

The pop-up drinks cabinet, it's a nice example, and I think we'll do OK with it.

This is a nice pair of vintage steps as I've seen.

Always popular as decorator's items, furnishing items.

I think they'll do quite well.

TIM WONNACOTT: Here's hoping.

It's exciting, isn't it?

TIM WONNACOTT: Come on, you lot.

Get settled.

The auction is in full swing.

Quite nervous.

TIM WONNACOTT: First up, it's Ronni's hipster Cinderella glass boot.

Oh, I'm sweating.

I'm so nervous.

It'll come up on the thing.

Jan, my heart is literally beating.

La di da.

Come on, let's kick off at 10 then-- 10 pounds anyone.

MAN: 10 pounds.

Can I hold it up?

MAX BLACKMORE: 10 bid, 12, 15, 18.

I think it's [INAUDIBLE].

MAX BLACKMORE: 18 pounds.

Don't say that I have no idea if that's the case or not, but I'm desperate.

MAX BLACKMORE: At 18 pounds, we're selling.

At 18 pounds and going.

18 pounds, that's all right.

It's all right.

TIM WONNACOTT: Bad luck.

Fortunately, it's only the first lot.

So that was a bit of a loss, wasn't it?

Well, it could have been worse.

It could have sold for 10, couldn't it?

TIM WONNACOTT: Loving your spirit there, James.

Jan's turn now with the RAF sweetheart brooch.

(WHISPERING) I think this is going to do well.

20 bid.

20, 25.

25 bid.

Lady in the front, you were against the net.

30 on the net.

30 on the net now.

- What's 30 on the net mean?

MAX BLACKMORE: Anybody else in the room?

Absentee bid.

MAX BLACKMORE: 30 pounds on the net, and I'm selling it.

Any further bids now?

All done.

TIM WONNACOTT: Didn't take off.

Small loss but plenty more to go.

I'm not too upset about that.

TIM WONNACOTT: Good, it's Ronni next with the printing block.

Chip off?

The printing block.

Locomotive.

Steam enthusiasts here.

PHILIP SERRELL: Michael Portillo, is he here?

JAMES BRAXTON: He'd love it, wouldn't he.

(AS MICHAEL PORTILLO) Maybe [INAUDIBLE] should get on to Michael and say, "Michael, there is a printed plate of a steam train going to Hackney."

I've turned it here up to 15.

In profit.

MAX BLACKMORE: --on the net.

15, at 15 pounds on the net.

20.

20 pounds, front row here.

I can hardly breathe.

I'm hypervent-- - Do you want one of your pills?

More air.

More air.

Can I have one of my pills?

MAX BLACKMORE: On the front row, it's 20 pounds.

All done and selling.

Careful, we might buy it back ourselves.

That was so good.

TIM WONNACOTT: Better.

This is more like it.

OK, who's got the James Braxton impression?

Sir deal.

[LAUGHER] (AS JAMES) Actually, I think [INAUDIBLE] quite [MUTTERING] actually [MUTTERING] Hold on.

Hold on.

I do enunciate my words.

- (AS JAMES) No, you do-- - I do-- (AS JAMES) Enunciate your words-- - Enunciate.

- (AS JAMES) Very well.

Enunciate.

Yes, because some people are actually too posh to enunciate at all.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] There's no need to.

TIM WONNACOTT: I think we might have touched a nerve with the Braxton there.

It's Jan's turn with the child's chair next.

MAX BLACKMORE: 20 pounds with me, 20 pounds.

That's ample.

Ample.

20 pounds.

And 5, 30.

30.

30.

MAX BLACKMORE: 30 pounds, it's cheap this.

Come on.

At 30 pounds then.

TIM WONNACOTT: Minimal loss.

You still got another four to go.

Well, it could have been worse.

Could have been worse.

TIM WONNACOTT: Precisely.

It's Ronni's watercolor setup next.

MAX BLACKMORE: 20 pounds, it's a watercolor set.

20 bid.

20 I have.

A gentleman seated at 20.

Well done.

Keep going.

We're up to 30 now on the net.

They're jumping in.

35, he's back again.

Against you now on the net.

We're in the room, 35 pounds.

35, the nice gentleman.

Shall we say how-- Yes?

No?

Come on, 40 pounds bid.

40 pounds.

at 40 pounds now.

Anybody else?

All done this time.

Well done, James.

That's good, isn't it?

And I happened to choose it.

- Yeah, Ronni-- - That was-- It's all down to you.

I think you're a natural at this.

[LAUGHS] What about that?

TIM WONNACOTT: She certainly is.

That is the biggest profit so far.

It's very nice that you two could come along, isn't it?

[LAUGHS] Do you know you're going to wear off on her now.

I mean, I thought she was quite nice.

TIM WONNACOTT: Indeed, she is, Phil.

Right.

It's Jan's kitchen cabinet next.

This is the one I bought because it reminded me of that Vermeer painting.

I think there's something very sort of simple and, you know, sort of pure about it.

MAX BLACKMORE: 40 bid.

At 40, 45.

Don't laugh.

MAX BLACKMORE: Anybody else?

Now 50.

It's going can happen to us, Ronni.

I know it is.

55.

RONNI ANCONA: There you are.

Look, 55.

55.

No, it will go up.

MAXWELL BLACKMORE: No interest on the net.

I'm selling at 55.

He just bought a very cheap table, hasn't he?

That's a cheap one.

That's unfair.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, dear, Jan.

I'm afraid Phil was proved right with that lot.

I can't believe it.

That's heartbreaking.

TIM WONNACOTT: The auction room pitfalls, I'm afraid.

Ronni, it's your flower brick next.

What we could do is we could fail to admit that it's a copy of the Delft piece and just say it's the Delft-- No, but it has 1996 on the base.

20 pounds.

Yes, we're on the net at 20.

So the net's at 20.

22.

22.

I'll go in twos.

- Bless you.

- God bless.

Go bless yourself.

Go bless yourself.

MAX BLACKMORE: 28.

Against you on the net with 28 in the room.

28 on the front row then.

Against you on the net.

28.

28.

Oh, I think I should take this up professionally.

[LAUGHS] TIM WONNACOTT: Yeah, great result there, Ronni.

The Mouseman cheese board is next.

That's my favorite of all your-- this little woodland creature.

50 pounds, nice and low.

We're on the net at 50.

RONNI ANCONA: There you are.

There you are.

On the net.

[INAUDIBLE] Where are we?

55.

Well done.

60.

65 with the lady.

Yes.

MAX BLACKMORE: In the room and selling at 65.

Anybody else now?

Got to go.

I wish I could buy my things, as cheap as all these-- No.

TIM WONNACOTT: I know, Jan.

The buyer has got a cracker of a deal there.

Ronni's weighty Chinese bronze vase is next.

100, I have.

[GASPS] TIM WONNACOTT: Goodbye.

You know what's so funny about my bargaining?

[LAUGHS] Come on.

It sounds reasonable for the quality of vase there.

100 pounds I have.

I'm selling then at 100 pounds.

One lonely bid on the net.

- Very good.

- Do you know-- Well done.

I've strangely changed my opinion about my vase.

I think it's gorgeous.

TIM WONNACOTT: Another good profit.

More like this please, Ronni.

Jan's hunky chunky ladders are next.

Who wants to step up?

At 40.

Lovely action.

Hmm.

You can put your plants on them, you know.

PHILIP SERRELL: We're away.

55, 60, 65, 70.

On commission-- - Well done, you.

Well done, you.

- It's a profit.

On commission with me at 70.

Any further bids now?

At 70.

Good.

MAX BLACKMORE: All done in the room.

Gone away on the net.

It's with me.

70.

Oh, that's good.

- Well done.

- It's a profit.

Congratulations.

Well done, you.

Well done, you.

TIM WONNACOTT: Congratulations, Jan. A wonderful result.

Quite uplifting.

PHILIP SERRELL: Phew.

That's good.

It's a relief.

TIM WONNACOTT: Moving on, it's Ronni's beloved swish drinks cabinet next.

Sir, may I demonstrate its soft close?

I'd be delighted if you did.

See, the power of mechanics.

This is all look at this.

Oh.

Lo and behold, there are-- it's still going.

Do a little flourish.

JAMES BRAXTON: It needs manual assistance.

It's 6 o'clock.

Let's pretend it's 6 o'clock.

There we are.

TIM WONNACOTT: Beautifully modeled, James.

[LAUGHS] It's a lovely item.

Got to start somewhere.

60 then, come on.

60 bid.

60 pounds.

Oh, come.

It's very rare.

[LAUGHS] I mean, I'm not an expert myself.

We might have fibbed.

But it is very rare.

65, 70.

70 pounds.

(WHISPERING) 70 pounds.

- 70.

- 70 pounds.

Come on.

Come on.

- 70.

Come on.

Keep going, sir.

I'm trying.

I exhausted.

[INAUDIBLE] 74.

Oh, well done.

MAX BLACKMORE: 75 pounds.

80.

Come back again.

They're buying out of pity for you.

85, 90.

You won't-- 90 pounds.

At 90 pounds.

95, 100.

100 pounds.

It's going, going, gone at 100.

Yes, all the best with that, sir.

Oh.

Oh.

TIM WONNACOTT: Ouch.

What a shame for such a great object.

It's the final lot of the day, Jan's snuff box and spill vase.

Come on, Jan.

It'll be nice if we just made a decent profit on the lot, wouldn't it?

- Yeah.

Start, 20 bid.

At 20 pounds.

30, I have on the net.

At 30 pounds.

35, 40.

There you are.

He's our nice bidder.

50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80.

80 pounds, front row.

You're bidding-- Well done.

MAX BLACKMORE: Down there.

80 pounds on the front row.

Anybody else now?

Front row has it.

- Well done.

Well done.

Well done.

Well done!

That's fantastic.

Well, that helps us a little bit, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well done.

- Brilliant.

That's very good.

TIM WONNACOTT: Certainly does.

And it's been Jan's best profit.

I think we've all done very well.

We better go and do the sums now.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Sums.

Sums.

TIM WONNACOTT: Good idea.

Let's figure out the calculations.

So Jan and Phil began with 400 pounds.

After all auction costs, they made a loss of 129 pounds and 40 P. Their final earnings are 270 pounds and 60 pence.

Ronni and James also started proceedings with 400 pounds.

And after all sale room costs, they have made a loss but a much smaller one at 23 pounds an 8 P. Their final earnings are 376 pounds and 92 Pence, making them the winners of the day.

Don't look so serious.

I'm drained.

It is exhausting.

It is, isn't it?

Well, it's exhausting-- - It's emotionally draining.

- Yeah.

It's emotionally draining.

It's exhausting.

And I've got some numbers.

Well, you're about 100 pounds ahead of us.

No.

PHILIP SERRELL: So you've won.

- Really?

- Really?

Well done, you.

JAMES BRAXTON: We've won.

- Well done, you.

- We won.

Well done, you.

JAMES BRAXTON: Well done.

Oh, Jan. Well, well done.

TIM WONNACOTT: Oh, well, time to head for home.

[TIRES SQUEALING] JAMES BRAXTON: Bye.

- Bye!

PHILIP SERRELL: Bye.

Bye!

TIM WONNACOTT: I told you to get some oil.

JAN RAVENS: Haven't we been to some lovely parts of the world on our trip?

So beautiful.

TIM WONNACOTT: Bye-bye, girls.

Were so sad to see you go.

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