NARRATOR: The nation's favorite celebrities-- Mm, I like that.

NARRATOR: --paired up with an expert-- Ooh, we've had some fun, haven't we?

NARRATOR: --and a classic car.

It feels as if it could go quite fast.

NARRATOR: Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

Yes!

Fantastic.

I'll do that in slo-mo.

NARRATOR: The aim?

To make the biggest profit at auction.

Come on, boys.

NARRATOR: But it's no easy ride.

Ta-da!

NARRATOR: Who will find a hidden gem?

"Don't sell me!"

NARRATOR: Who will take the biggest risks?

Go away, darling.

NARRATOR: Will anybody follow expert advice?

I'm trying to spend money here.

NARRATOR: There will be worthy winners-- Yes!

NARRATOR: --and valiant losers.

Put your pedal to the metal, this is the "Celebrity Antiques Road Trip."

[THEME MUSIC] Yeah!

[MUSIC PLAYING] On today's show, we have a pair of luvvies from the sparkling world of stage and TV, the delectable Ruth Madoc and fizzy Su Pollard.

And as neither drive, they have their own chauffeur.

[CHORTLES] I wonder if the chauffeur comes with the car.

Ah, well.

Hire them both!

Ooh, hello, gorgeous.

What are we going to call him?

I don't know, what can we call him?

What about Parker?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

Oh, and we could be Lady Penelopes One and Two.

Yes, One and Two, dear.

One and Two.

Yes, that's us for today!

NARRATOR: OK, Lady Penelopes.

Su and Ruth are being driven through the countryside, as you'd expect, in a pre-seatbelt era, stately, 1978 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.

Look at that!

I'm really looking forward to this.

Yes, so am I, because, you know, it's something that I don't think you or I, either of us, have ever done.

No, no, we haven't.

- So we're virgins-- - Yes.

--as far as antiques are concerned.

We are, dear.

NARRATOR: Ha ha, as far as antiques are concerned.

This pair of old pals are best known for their jolly japes in the much-loved '80s sitcom, "Hi-De-Hi."

[MUSIC - KEN BARRIE, "HOLIDAY ROCK"] (SINGING) Hi-de-hi-de-hi, ho-de-ho-de-ho.

Set in a fictional holiday camp, Ruth played Chief Yellowcoat Gladys, while flamboyant Su played dizzy chalet girl, Peggy.

They each have a bag of money totaling 400 pounds, and Su's got it all sewn up.

SU POLLARD: I'm a big believer in everybody sharing the win.

So when I win-- [LAUGHTER] --you know, when I win, I will be taking you out for a nice little slap-up something or other.

NARRATOR: Hey!

Today's experts are dashing auctioneers, Raj Bisram and Philip Serrell.

Do they know what's going to hit them?

Phil, you've been doing it so much, the "Road Trip," you must have been up against everybody that there is.

Except you, Raj.

Except me.

Yeah, yeah.

And so it's nil-nil.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know, we've got the first half to play, nil-nil, who's going to win?

NARRATOR: It's not football, Phil.

The fellas are in a pillar-box red VW Beetle from 1970 to scoot around the countryside in.

Get it?

PHILIP SERRELL: And I'm your driver.

- I know.

- I'm your driver!

Fantastic.

Would you not prefer if I sat in the back?

I'd be a lot happier.

And do you mind if I talk to you?

No, not at all.

NARRATOR: What a pair, hey?

[MUSIC PLAYING] And over in the big Roller-- RUTH MADOC: It's a pity we're not going around together, you with I-- - Oh, well, we-- Because I think it would have been mayhem.

Yeah, but can you imagine?

We'd never get anything done.

We'd talk each other to death.

We'd never be able to buy anything.

And they'd be going, "Cut!

Ladies, ladies, can you please take an interest in the purchase?

All you're doing is gabbing!"

You know.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: And the trip hasn't even started yet.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Our adventure begins in the Welsh border town of Monmouth, moving south to the city of Cardiff, charging east and west of South Wales, before finally, auctioning in the Cheshire town of Congleton.

What fun!

Oh, my God, it's a Rolls Royce.

And they've got a driver.

Have they?

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

RAJ BISRAM: So, we're decided, yeah?

I'm going with Ruth, you're going with Su, yeah?

PHILIP SERRELL: Go on, then.

RAJ BISRAM: Right.

PHILIP SERRELL: What about cars?

Who's having which car?

RAJ BISRAM: I've got to have the Roller.

I mean, it's-- you know, I'm suited to a Roller.

NARRATOR: That's you told them, Phil.

Oh, my dear, Parker, you did a marvelous job.

PHILIP SERRELL: Su, how are you?

RUTH MADOC: Hello!

RAJ BISRAM: Hello, Ruth.

SU POLLARD: I'm really well, thank you.

How are you?

- Yeah, good to see you.

I know, it's fantastic.

RAJ BISRAM: Can I give you a kiss?

Can't we?

NARRATOR: Blimey, it's like a luvvies' convention here.

RUTH MADOC: Nice to see you.

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah, absolutely right.

RAJ BISRAM: My goodness-- SU POLLARD: This is so nice.

RAJ BISRAM: They said you toned down everything over the years.

[LAUGHTER] PHILIP SERRELL: They said you calmed down.

Sorry.

I'm really sorry to be a disappointment.

Excuse me, though, but Ms. Madoc has risen to the occasion.

Well, I've tried.

RAJ BISRAM: Lovely.

- I knew I had to-- - Lovely.

--compete with Madame here.

SU POLLARD: No, you look marvelous.

NARRATOR: Right, time to hit the road, you lot.

Come on, then.

SU POLLARD: Oh, yes, good.

See you then.

Bye.

- Well, we're-- - We're going here.

RUTH MADOC: Are we?

NARRATOR: Yes, you are.

Let's begin with Su and Phil.

The deal is that I'm in charge of driving.

Yes.

You're in charge of navigations.

Where are we?

Well, exactly.

I mean, I'm obviously not taking you anywhere that I know.

All I know is that we're going down a fabulous road.

Do you know what they call this?

Lost.

Yes, but-- NARRATOR: Crikey!

[CHORTLES] What about Ruth and Raj?

RAJ BISRAM: I mean, this is lovely, isn't it?

A Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.

Isn't it lovely?

I mean, this is wonderful.

Yes, it takes me back, this.

I used to have one of these when I was in "Hi-De-Hi."

Because I had to open so many shops and things, so we decided that we'd buy one of these.

Ours was white like this, very, very similar to this.

NARRATOR: Very posh, Ruth.

Our colorful Su and Phil have actually found their first shopping destination, The Yard in Monmouth.

Stand by.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Well, why don't I go down this end, if you like, and you go down that end?

Do not-- do not-- now, you behave.

- No, you-- - You behave.

- No, no, no, you-- - Now, you behave.

- You behave!

NARRATOR: Er, don't think there's much chance of that.

[MUSIC PLAYING] PHILIP SERRELL: That's like for-- a press, isn't it?

So that the juice-- - Yeah.

Like a cider press.

So you press the apples or whatever.

SU POLLARD: Oh, is that what it's for?

PHILIP SERRELL: Or the prunes or whatever, and then the juice runs down these channels.

SU POLLARD: Oh, I see.

It's 495 quid, honey.

Bit out of our price range.

Oh, no, that's no good.

And I don't think it's worth that.

That looks ridiculous.

Humph, ridiculous!

That should be worth about 45 pounds.

See, she's good, isn't she?

She's on the money.

We're going to do very well together.

We're going to do really, really well together.

Yeah, but I'm going to spot something then.

I will spot something, hopefully.

NARRATOR: Go on, then, spot.

SU POLLARD: Oh, I've spotted that.

What?

I've spotted that.

It's "Rupert."

I wonder if they come together, "Rupert" and the-- oh, get on it.

Get on the trike.

- What?

- Get on it.

I can't get on there.

SU POLLARD: Of course, you can.

It'll be fabulous.

And your wig's OK, because it's not windy at all.

Oh, stop talking, I'm not a wig!

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Now, you mention it, Su, is that his real hair?

SU POLLARD: I just think it's-- oh, go on, can't you get on that?

Well, look at me, and look at the size of that, will you?

SU POLLARD: Of course, you can.

Well, just pretend then.

NARRATOR: Yes.

SU POLLARD: Oh, go on.

PHILIP SERRELL: No, that's no good at all, there.

SU POLLARD: Oh, you-- How much is that?

35 quid.

SU POLLARD: Now, you see, I don't think that's bad.

PHILIP SERRELL: That will actually work with Ruth Madoc.

I like this.

Oh, bless him, he's very nice.

He's ever so cuddly and, you know, lovely face.

It doesn't matter about the wig.

Nothing.

Fine.

Fine.

It's not a wig.

[MUSIC - "RUPERT"] (SINGING) Ru-pert.

NARRATOR: And the cuddly "Rupert," not the cuddly Phil, has a tag of 28 pounds.

SU POLLARD: Oh.

PHILIP SERRELL: What?

SU POLLARD: Hang on, I've seen something.

PHILIP SERRELL: The old pub table.

Yes, I just-- you know why, what leapt out at me?

It was the actual colors.

PHILIP SERRELL: Sort of shabby chic, isn't it?

SU POLLARD: Yes.

- I like that.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

- No, I do like that.

- Well-- I think the top-- the top needs sorting.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course, it does.

NARRATOR: And it could do with a bit of a polish.

But this late-Victorian pub table has a hefty price tag of 145 pounds.

Let's depart from the whirlwind couple to join our calm and serene, Ruth and Raj.

R and R. Rolls and Royce.

RUTH MADOC: Now, I'm not terribly good at, um, haggling.

I know the phrase, "Is that your best price?"

But don't worry, Ruth, you will be-- I'll have you negotiating by the end of this.

Right, OK. And my husband will be so pleased.

NARRATOR: You betcha.

Ruth and Raj have traveled to the city of Newport in south-east Wales.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Now, let's see if Raj can put Ruth through her paces in here, unbelievably called the Strawberry Water Junk Company.

Looks lovely-- the shop that is.

That is a celery jar, isn't it?

Absolutely correct, that is a celery jar.

RUTH MADOC: Yeah.

RAJ BISRAM: Yeah.

And you are astounding me with your knowledge, Ruth, because I'm telling you now, even-- I know antique dealers who've been in the business for 15 years or so, and they would not recognize that as a celery glass.

So well done.

NARRATOR: Impressive, Ruth.

Anything else catch your eye, love?

That is actually a really nice little cocktail set.

It's got a little bit of a dent in it.

Bit of a dent.

Yeah.

I mean, these are very collectible.

I mean, it's a little bit tatty.

It's got a few bits missing.

It's got 15 pounds on the ticket, Ruth.

We could do 10.

10?

I'm going to go for less.

OK. NARRATOR: The 1930s silver-plated cocktail set is from Sheffield silversmiths, Walker and Hall.

With the current popularity of cocktails and all things vintage, this could be a good option.

RAJ BISRAM: And there would have been a stirring spoon here.

RUTH MADOC: Yeah, there.

That's-- that's a saleable thing.

John.

John!

RUTH MADOC: John!

What we need now, we need a "Hi-de-Hi."

Hi-de-Hi!

NARRATOR: Hi-di-Ho!

While Ruth and Raj track down owner, John, let's take a gander at Su and Phil.

They're still causing havoc in the town of Monmouth.

Oh, no, not a scooter.

Oh, this is cool, though.

It's very sturdy.

Vroom-vroom!

PHILIP SERRELL: I can feel one of me headaches coming on.

[LAUGHS] Have you ever relaxed?

SU POLLARD: Yeah.

Ever?

Yeah.

This is what you do, you know, a big [BREATHES DEEPLY] PHILIP SERRELL: And-- - Relax.

--relax.

I don't want to, I get excited.

Right, no, you hide it so well.

NARRATOR: [CHORTLES] Oh, look, is that-- NARRATOR: Phil's got his hands full today.

SU POLLARD: Oh, I can't see, dear.

I'll have to borrow your glasses.

NARRATOR: [LAUGHS] Go on, swap.

Can I borrow your-- Yeah.

NARRATOR: Yes, that's it.

[GUFFAWS] PHILIP SERRELL: Hellfire.

SU POLLARD: Yes.

[LAUGHTER] Bloody hellfire!

You really can't see, can you?

I can't.

Hopeless.

Hey.

But they suit you.

Man, you look cool.

Really?

You're wigged and glassed up now.

It's there, look, ahead of us.

PHILIP SERRELL: Show me, show me, show me.

SU POLLARD: OK. Erm, I just like it because it reminds me of, you know, chimney tops and roof tops, on the top of the buildings.

PHILIP SERRELL: So you've got your roof like that.

Yes.

That sits on the end.

That's the gable end there.

SU POLLARD: I see.

PHILIP SERRELL: And then you've got joints that come down like that.

SU POLLARD: Yeah, that's it.

PHILIP SERRELL: I think that's really cool.

I like that.

SU POLLARD: So, of course, you look at the detail again.

It's stars-- - It's nice, isn't it?

--star shape.

I think that is-- And you are a star.

Yes, of course, you see-- Oh, well, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, dear.

He has noticed.

NARRATOR: How hip is that?

Ticket price, 45 pounds.

It's not a wig.

Pull it.

Pull it.

It isn't a wig.

Oh, hang on, no-- I've just seen the glue.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: While they go and glue Phil's hair back on, why don't we zip back to Ruth and Raj.

It's a little less chaotic over in Strawberry Water Junk Company.

RAJ BISRAM: This little cocktail set, John, it's not all there, as you know.

JOHN: I know.

There's quite a few things missing from it.

What's the best on that?

JOHN: To you, my dear, a tenner.

RAJ BISRAM: That's what I thought you'd come back with.

JOHN: It's a bargain.

RAJ BISRAM: I've got a-- I've got a price in mind.

Because it's missing all these little bits, OK, what about a fiver?

NARRATOR: Gulp!

JOHN: Eight quid and I'll find you a spoon.

Eight quid and you'll find us a spoon?

I'm not going to quibble with that.

Do we-- hang on, I've got to-- - No-- --consult my partner.

I've got to consult my partner.

What do you think?

No, I think that's very good.

I think that's very good.

- You happy with that?

- Yes.

In that case, Ruth, I think you should shake his hand.

Thank you very much.

- John, we have a purchase.

- Thank you very much, John.

[SPEAKING WELSH] Doilch yn fawr.

- Thank you very much indeed.

Brilliant, our first purchase.

RUTH MADOC: There we go.

NARRATOR: A rather snazzy cocktail set for an unbelievable 8 pounds with the promised bone-handled spoon.

And we're not stopping for breath on the whirlwind Su Pollard Express.

SU POLLARD: Go on, then.

That's it.

Watch this.

It's all about your weight transference.

I've got a lot of that to transfer.

Hop, two, three, and four.

And hop, two, three, and four.

PHILIP SERRELL: Hop, two, three, and four.

SU POLLARD: That's brilliant, actually.

PHILIP SERRELL: Hop, two, three, and-- I think I've got the hang of it.

Fred Astaire has got no need to worry.

NARRATOR: Heavens above.

Now, how about actually buying something, you two?

As a refresher, they've rooted out "Rupert Bear" and the trike, priced at 63 pounds, the Victorian pub table for 145 pounds, and the terracotta end tile priced for 45 pounds.

Watch out, dealer Dave, you don't know what's about to hit you.

We'll give you 150 quid for the table, the tile, and the bike, and the bear.

I need to work this out.

I'll tell you exactly what it works out at.

We've got to get the pub table at 90 quid.

And it puts the roofing tile in at 25 quid.

And it puts that in at 35 quid.

And that's a fair deal.

DAVE: Yeah, that's fine, because I can give it up on the-- on the teddy.

- Oh-- - That's no trouble at all.

- --you're a star!

PHILIP SERRELL: Shake his hand.

Give him a kiss.

No, no.

No, forget the handshake.

Mwah!

Oh, look at that, that's the best lipstick color you can ever get.

Superb.

NARRATOR: I don't think Dave cares about the lipstick color, Su, he just wants to get you out of the shop.

This kooky twosome have got a massive 103 pound discount.

Now, back to Ruth and Raj.

The lovely Ruth is getting into the swing of things.

RUTH MADOC: Right, now, then, Raj, there was something in this window I thought was rather interesting.

RAJ BISRAM: Uh-huh.

RUTH MADOC: See this aeroplane here, with this little ashtray underneath.

RAJ BISRAM: I think-- I know it's got Swissair on it.

I still think that's quite nice.

I like that.

I mean, these aeronautical collectibles are very, very collectible.

The only thing-- and I love the shape of the plane and everything.

It looks like an old Boeing.

But what is against it, is the fact that it's an ashtray.

RUTH MADOC: Yeah, I know that, you know, and I know they're not popular, but they could put bonbons in it.

I mean, or anything, couldn't they?

Swiss chocolate?

Swiss chocolates, you-- now, this plan is coming together.

I like it.

NARRATOR: Ruth, time for you to take control of proceedings.

What price do you think?

I would not pay any more than about 15.

OK, yes.

OK, let's see.

John-- Ruth, you go ahead.

You go ahead and tell him.

John, you see this little ashtray with the aeroplane, the Swiss one?

How much is that?

JOHN: 75.

75!

JOHN: Yep.

Ooh, [SPEAKING WELSH].

What's your best price?

NARRATOR: Spoken like a pro.

JOHN: Because it's you, I'll do 45 quid.

RUTH MADOC: 45.

RAJ BISRAM: I think that's still-- can I step in here?

We did say-- we had a price in mind, and we were very, very close to it.

25.

I was thinking more 20.

JOHN: And it's got one blade missing.

RUTH MADOC: Oh, is it?

RAJ BISRAM: It's got what?

JOHN: A blade missing.

RUTH MADOC: It's got a blade missing.

RAJ BISRAM: It's got a blade missing, oh.

Well, it's got to be 15 then.

Oh, it's got to be 15 then.

Sorry, presh.

Yeah?

[LAUGHTER] Yeah?

For you, go on.

Oh, you're a boy and a half.

Oh, 15 down.

Oh, there we go.

Thank you, babes.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: Blooming heck, Ruth is pretty ruthless.

Ha, that's a 60 pound discount on the Swissair ashtray.

And I think it would be good for Swiss chocolates too, Ruth.

[GIGGLES] Now, what about the other two?

(RAPPING) I am on the road with Phil.

He certainly isn't over the hill.

He's always in a jovial mood.

In fact, he's a regular all-round dude.

BOTH: Say Phil!

Two, three, four.

BOTH: Say Phil!

Two, three four.

BOTH: Say Phil!

PHILIP SERRELL: I like this a lot.

NARRATOR: [CHUCKLES] Oh, dear!

Su and Phil have detoured from the planned route and ended up in the rural village of Itton in Monmouthshire.

Phil loves shopping off the beaten track, and it doesn't have to be an actual shop, you know.

Farms are his thing.

Prepare yourself, Su.

PHILIP SERRELL: What can we buy off you, then?

What can we buy off you?

PHILIP SERRELL: We want to buy something.

We've come here to buy something off you.

ANDREW: Oh, dear.

- Don't care what it is.

- It's hard-- PHILIP SERRELL: A bit of an old plow.

A bit of old railings, bit of old gate.

Bit of old anything, really.

Anything.

[DOG BARKS] COLIN: I wonder how much [INAUDIBLE].. SU POLLARD: What are those things there, look?

PHILIP SERRELL: You know what, they're called hames, aren't they?

ANDREW: These are hames.

NARRATOR: Sure enough, friendly farmer Andrew has found some horses' hames.

This peculiar-looking piece of horse equipage was an early invention attached to the side of the harness, which allowed the horse to breathe better as it plowed the fields.

Over to you, Phil.

PHILIP SERRELL: What do you want for that lot there, then?

NARRATOR: Yeah, don't bother getting out of the car, hey, Phil.

ANDREW: How's about two quid?

NARRATOR: Brisk business, this!

Done!

Right, I have been-- You can't give him-- I've just given-- you shut up.

You can't give him two-- Whose side are you on?

You can't give him just two quid.

Give him 10.

- No!

No!

He wants us to win.

ANDREW: No, no, we're supplying you.

Oh, actually, that's very true.

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

Yeah.

Here, I've got it.

ANDREW: All right, there we go then.

Could you lob them in the back for me, and we'll get off then.

SU POLLARD: Yes.

PHILIP SERRELL: Thank you ever so much.

SU POLLARD: Horse hames.

PHILIP SERRELL: Bye, Andrew.

ANDREW: Right, there we are then.

You've been fabulous, thank you!

PHILIP SERRELL: See you soon, Andrew, bye!

SU POLLARD: Bye.

Thanks very much.

Bye, darlings.

Oh!

NARRATOR: Yes, Andrew and Colin, that really did just happen, 2 pounds for the horses' hames on our impromptu farm visit.

Let's hope the Beetle goes forwards too.

Now, let's join Raj, as he gets to know his new chum, Ruth.

Now, I come from a nursing family.

My great-aunt was one of the very first midwives, certified midwives, in Wales.

And I grew up with stories about Florence Nightingale and a woman called Betsi Cadwaladr.

You're in for a big surprise.

Am I?

Yes!

[LAUGHS] NARRATOR: That you are, my darling Ruth.

Our road-tripping adventurers are heading to the capital city of Wales, Cardiff.

When we think of nursing heroines, the lady with the lamp, Florence Nightingale, springs to mind.

But what about Betsi Cadwaladr from rural Wales?

After reading about the devastation of the sick and wounded in the Crimean War of 1854, Betsi was determined to sign up for military nursing service.

Gutsy and spirited, Betsi was a contemporary of Florence Nightingale.

They shared plucky determination to save the fallen.

Ruth and Raj are meeting with emeritus professor and stalwart of Welsh nursing, Donna Mead, at the University Hospital of Wales.

How old was she then, Donna?

She was in her mid-60s when she presented herself to go.

The advertisement wanted ladies of good breeding and good stock.

That's because Nightingale famously said, "All that's needed to be a good nurse is to be a good woman."

NARRATOR: The age restriction for nurses going to the Crimea was 40.

So determined was Betsi to help the sick and wounded that she lied about her age.

Despite being 25 years over the age limit, Betsi was accepted to travel to one of the bloodiest battles known to man.

When she arrived, we're told that there were eight miles of beds, you know, to walk through, so the need was great.

But Betsi was kept waiting for three weeks, and she hadn't seen a soldier.

She hadn't seen a single patient.

She wasn't even allowed to roll bandages.

So in the end, she complained most bitterly and most vociferously about this.

And eventually, what we realize is that Nightingale didn't want Betsi to go anywhere near the soldiers because she was Welsh.

RAJ BISRAM: Purely just because she was Welsh?

DONNA MEAD: That was the main reason.

Two, she was of the lower classes, not one of Nightingale's genteel ladies.

And three, because she was a paid nurse, and Nightingale believed to be a nurse you had to be a woman of sufficient means financially that you didn't need paying.

So Betsi had the stigma hat-trick.

NARRATOR: Betsi would not be fazed by Florence's prejudice, and with fire in her belly, decided to fight for a chance to nurse the desperately sick.

Nightingale eventually compromised and sent Betsi to the heart of the fighting at Balaclava.

She hadn't been there very long, and she was making such a difference that she was put in charge of seven wards and the feeding kitchen.

She was 65 years old.

RAJ BISRAM: Wow!

Plus, by now, she was working 20-hour days, sleeping on a mat on the floor.

Balaclava means a filthy lake, a filthy place.

RAJ BISRAM: It really was.

DONNA MEAD: And the lake itself was sewage, and it was full of infection.

So she began to become ill.

But Nightingale was really impressed with what Betsi had achieved.

NARRATOR: Betsi's story is one of a formidable lady that would not allow prejudice to prevent her from serving the wounded and dying in the bloody Crimean War.

This exemplary work on the front line would ultimately lead to her death.

After a year, a poorly Betsi returned to London, suffering from cholera and dysentery.

Five years later, in 1860, she died a pauper, aged 71.

Meanwhile, songstress Su has composed more of her "Road Trip" rap.

Oh, dear.

(RAPPING) He twists and turns that steering wheel.

A drive for him is no big deal.

He often does an Irish jig.

And never once disturbs his wig.

Say Phil!

NARRATOR: Phil!

You have not come in!

No.

You have not come in!

Will you stop hitting me.

NARRATOR: [LAUGHING] Su and Phil have traveled to the town of Chepstow in Monmouthshire.

If you can call that travel.

SU POLLARD: We were both having a discussion about-- Yeah.

It would be nice to have a little bit of jewelry, something sparkly.

PHILIP SERRELL: Here's the shop, here.

SU POLLARD: Oh, this is a fabulous shop, this.

That lovely necklace there, now, that looks really lovely.

Sparkly-warkly.

PHILIP SERRELL: Come on.

SU POLLARD: Oh, can we just-- mind your wig.

PHILIP SERRELL: Can you just leave it?

NARRATOR: Hey, cheeky!

In hot pursuit of something "sparkly-warkly," they enter Foxgloves Antiques for a bit of a mooch.

Or is it a smooch?

SU POLLARD: Oh, that's great, that.

Oh, that's an absolute start, that is.

Right, you just have a look through there, and I'm going to see if I can find anything else.

OK. NARRATOR: Cheer up, Phil, it could be worse.

Say, Phil, two, three.

Say, Phil, two, three.

[LAUGHS] He's never going to forget that.

He doesn't know I've got another eight verses to come.

NARRATOR: [LAUGHS] I'm sure that's just what he needs.

[MUSIC PLAYING] (SINGING) Do doo do doo do.

NARRATOR: Now, what's this?

PHILIP SERRELL: You see, I think this might just have the Pollard name to it.

Do you like that?

SU POLLARD: Oh, I do.

PHILIP SERRELL: I mean, really, or not?

SU POLLARD: No, I absolutely do.

Oh, look at that!

PHILIP SERRELL: You've got a brooch.

You've got a sea pearl.

You've got a bit of bone just here.

Someone's put that together recently.

It's not an aged thing.

SU POLLARD: Oh, right.

PHILIP SERRELL: But it's all old things that are in there.

Can you imagine that on a wall?

I mean, you wouldn't want it-- you wouldn't really want to take that out, would you, actually?

PHILIP SERRELL: No, no, no, no.

I think that's just nice the way it is.

SU POLLARD: I do.

NARRATOR: I do.

This is a little display of Victorian and Edwardian jewelry.

Charming in its own way, and it's quite "sparkly-warkly," Su.

Here's owner, Lesley, to talk cash.

Watch out.

SU POLLARD: Well, you know what I'm going to ask?

LESLEY BRAIN: I do.

And I just think it's really, really lovely.

So well put together.

On a wall, just marvelous.

And I note that it's 78.

Ohhh, any chance of making it, like-- PHILIP SERRELL: (WHISPERS) 50.

50?

LESLEY BRAIN: 55, and you've got a deal.

SU POLLARD: 55?

You will make a profit on that, I guarantee.

SU POLLARD: Well-- but maybe we could just buy you a cake for five pounds.

It's a gin and tonic at this time of day.

We'll all go for that.

Why not, dear?

Would 50 buy it off you?

Oh, go on, I'll give you some money.

[SIGHS] I didn't really, really want to go as low as that, but-- Oh, go on.

You're an angel.

Oh, I'm so thrilled if you would, it'd be just so fabulous, because we have to win.

LESLEY BRAIN: But you have got a really good bargain.

SU POLLARD: Yes.

- You're a star.

Thank you very much, indeed.

- Thank you.

I think that's absolutely brilliant.

Thank you very much, Lesley.

LESLEY BRAIN: Yes, that's great.

NARRATOR: Come on, cough up, you two.

The cash is in Su's pocket, or it was.

You have to forage in me pocket.

I'm never going to wash this hand.

Are you a good forager?

Oh, missus!

Ooh, missus!

You've got a hole in your pocket.

Oh, so terrible.

Oh, no, this is the bit I like, really.

Really?

Should I put it back in-- Yeah, no, it's all right.

No, because we haven't got time!

NARRATOR: Of course, we haven't got time.

The rascals have handed over 50 pounds for the lady's display of sparkly jewelry.

SU POLLARD: What do we say?

PHILIP SERRELL: Say-- BOTH: Phil!

SU POLLARD: Two, three, four.

BOTH: Say Phil!

SU POLLARD: Two, three, four.

PHILIP SERRELL: Come on, you.

SU POLLARD: Say Phil!

You've got to get the right-- PHILIP SERRELL: I've got the rhythm.

NARRATOR: Shopping over now, for the day, for all our road-tripping gang.

And the girls are back together.

I think our best bet, if we want to make any money, is to go for jewelry-- - Oh, yeah.

- --don't you think?

Oh, I do, absolutely think-- Even-- even though, say, it's not-- it's only gold-plated, or whatever.

As long as it's got a name-- Yes.

--to that piece of jewelry, like a Cartier, or a Chanel.

Or even Vivienne Westwood.

SU POLLARD: Oh, I agree.

NARRATOR: What budget are you on then, Ruth?

Now, go and get some shut-eye before we do it all again tomorrow.

So tiring.

Nighty-night.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Our sparkling divas are up and at 'em, and discussing the art of the haggle.

I don't know about you, Ruth, but, you know, sometimes, when it comes to the haggling-- "Oh, hello."

- I know.

Where do you start, because I'm not used to it, dear.

No, no.

But I do have to say about yesterday is that I did surprise myself.

I went in for the jugular at one particular point.

And I looked-- I looked at Raj, and he went, "ooh, good," you know.

Ooh, get hosey-- Yeah, he did.

It was very funny.

NARRATOR: Indeed.

Now, what about the boys?

After yesterday, Phil-- What?

--are you looking forward to today?

Well, I am.

But I tell you-- listen, all I got yesterday was, "I say, er, I say."

And then she caught me and absolutely fobbed me over the-- in the breadbasket with her handbag-- bosh.

NARRATOR: [CHUCKLES] Sounds painful.

Yesterday, our vivacious ladies of stage and screen entered the antiques arena full of dizzy excitement.

Yes, Su, I meant you.

Phil and Su bought a "Rupert the Bear" and trike, the pub table, the terracotta tile, the collection of horse stuff, and the cased display of Victorian and Edwardian sparkly things, giving them 198 pounds to play with today.

Ruth and Raj bought a 1930s cocktail set, very cheap, and the Swissair ashtray-cum-bonbon stand, and have a whack of 377 pounds for the day ahead.

Goodness only knows what's going to happen today.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Our excited bunch are raring to go in a rather somewhat rainy Cardiff.

RAJ BISRAM: How are you?

SU POLLARD: Let me help you.

RUTH MADOC: Fine, thank you.

NARRATOR: And our Su is champing at the bit.

Champing being the operative word.

Look, the race is on now.

We've got to go, haven't we?

We've got to-- you're late anyway, 10 minutes.

Jump in, jump in quick.

We've got to go now, quick, because they're starting off.

Right, go on then.

RUTH MADOC: See you.

NARRATOR: Oh, lordy.

Today, our road-tripping gang are all sharing their first shop of the day.

Su and Phil are hatching a plan.

I don't like the look of this.

I know what I'm going to do.

Yes.

I would like to distract Ruth and Raj-- Faint into Raj's arms, that'll occupy him.

Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: Whilst over in the Rolls-- Today, it's all about spend, spend, spend.

Yes, we've got to.

We've got so much money, let's go-- even if we have to overpay.

It must have a profit.

RAJ BISRAM: OK, well, you really have got the dealer in you.

Well, there's no-- You really have.

In my estimation, it's no good buying something absolutely superb if it's not going to have a profit.

NARRATOR: Blimey, don't get on the wrong side of her.

Now, let's see if our gang can rustle up some exciting deals in this converted Victorian pumping station, as you do.

Go, go, go!

SU POLLARD: Quick!

Quick!

PHILIP SERRELL: Go, go, go.

Are they coming?

PHILIP SERRELL: No.

Quick, quick, quick.

SU POLLARD: OK. NARRATOR: They're just like children, aren't they?

SU POLLARD: Oh, oh.

[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: With over 35 dealers here, let's leave them to have a rootle about, because the grown-ups have just arrived.

Quite the gent, Raj.

RUTH MADOC: Thank you so much!

RAJ BISRAM: My pleasure.

RUTH MADOC: Ooh, this is going to be so exciting.

NARRATOR: They're not hanging about either.

Now, what's this?

These are the kind of things that would be nice to buy from here.

Now, everybody thinks that Roman artifacts should be worth a fortune, and they're sold-- but actually, you can buy them really reasonable.

RUTH MADOC: I mean-- but that is not reproduced for a museum, is it?

RAJ BISRAM: No, no.

RUTH MADOC: I mean, is that genuine?

RAJ BISRAM: Yes.

NARRATOR: Helpful dealer Nadine gets the owner of the Roman collection on the blower.

RAJ BISRAM: Hello, Paul.

NARRATOR: And he has something in mind for Ruth and Raj.

RAJ BISRAM: I see you've got some dice, Roman dice.

And how much are they?

Ah.

NARRATOR: There are five dice altogether, with a price tag of 20 pounds each.

Ducking and dicing, eh?

RAJ BISRAM: You could do them for 10 pounds each, that would be-- 10, 20, 30, 40, 50.

50 pounds for the five.

NARRATOR: But for Ruth, he will do it for a bit less.

40 pounds?

I'll have a little think about that-- two seconds.

Hold-- just hold on.

Hold on, my lovely.

Well, I don't think that's too bad a price, myself.

RAJ BISRAM: I don't.

Do you think we should try a little bit more, or not?

Are you happy with that?

RUTH MADOC: I am.

Actually, to be honest-- RUTH MADOC: I am.

RAJ BISRAM: I'm not kidding-- - Yeah.

RAJ BISRAM: I think that that's not a bad price.

RUTH MADOC: I think that's fair.

RAJ BISRAM: That's five Roman dice-- RUTH MADOC: Yeah, for 40 pounds.

I think that's very good.

Anything of a little-- a little thing that you can throw in, that you know off-- off your cuff.

Hasn't taken much training, has she?

RUTH MADOC: Yes.

RAJ BISRAM: [LAUGHS] Fantastic.

NARRATOR: She's a natural.

Not only has she closed the deal, she's also managed to clinch a Roman pen worth 60 pounds into the mix.

Thank you, kind sir!

Now, what about new best friends forever, Su and Phil?

SU POLLARD: Here, look.

Oh, look at that.

Can I just say that I'm a professional man.

Oh, look at that!

Hello, Doris!

I'm a respected-- I'm respected by millions.

NARRATOR: Well, I wouldn't go that far.

You've told everybody I wear a wig-- - Look at that, it's matching.

- --and I don't.

Its matching.

You dress me up like Danny La Doodah.

Stop it.

Just a minute.

NARRATOR: Danny La-who?

And-- I think the bag-- NARRATOR: --she's not listening.

--the bag will work.

The bag won't work.

NARRATOR: Yeah, your hair's so real-looking, Phil.

SU POLLARD: Got to watch the wig.

PHILIP SERRELL: It's not a wig.

SU POLLARD: Of course, it is.

Will you stop being in denial?

You need treatment.

There we are.

Look at that.

Superb!

PHILIP SERRELL: [INAUDIBLE] [LAUGHTER] Oh, stop it!

I can't stop laughing.

Oh, we've had some fun, haven't we?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shoot, it's got to be time for lunch.

It's one of the best days of my life, really.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS] You look marvelous NARRATOR: A real stunner!

Anyway, while the kids play dressing up, what are the focused ones up to?

I've just no-- noticed here, they've got some-- RUTH MADOC: Roman beads!

RAJ BISRAM: Roman bead necklaces.

I mean, if we could get all three for 50 pounds-- RUTH MADOC: Mm.

Mm.

RAJ BISRAM: Or even 40 pounds-- RUTH MADOC: Yeah, OK. RAJ BISRAM: Because look, the ticket on them is 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90.

NARRATOR: Paul, the dealer on the phone from earlier, also owns some Roman necklaces.

What's that dog doing?

Oh, yes, he's willing to take 45.

Thank you very, very much for what you've already given us, but I'm going to ask you, I'm really going to beg you, if you would just take the five-- the fiver off.

Oh, you're a good man.

Thank you very, very, very much indeed.

Much appreciated.

NARRATOR: Ruth and Raj are getting on ever so well; three Roman necklaces at 40 pounds to add to their collection.

Now, what about the others?

They've got 198 pounds left in Su's handbag [LAUGHS] with a hole in it.

Do you work here, then, Keith?

Yes, yes, I've got an antique stall downstairs.

It's actually my lad-- my son's stall.

PHILIP SERRELL: I love this.

Absolutely love this.

SU POLLARD: Yes, I do.

PHILIP SERRELL: Because a lot of these were-- were ships' figureheads, weren't they?

KEITH: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

19th century.

KEITH: Yeah.

And this one looks like-- I mean, you can see down here, it's wooden, with plaster?

KEITH: Yeah.

Yeah.

And I would think this is later painting, isn't it?

Possibly, yeah, yeah.

PHILIP SERRELL: You know, because he looks a bit cross-eyed.

KEITH: Can you guess who it is, though?

The figurehead?

Oh, it's actually-- KEITH: It's supposed to be Jesus.

NARRATOR: Interesting.

A ship's figurehead was originally believed to placate the gods of the sea and ensure a safe passage, rather than scare them.

PHILIP SERRELL: It's a big old lump, isn't it?

KEITH: Yeah.

- How much is it?

KEITH: 200 pounds.

Is that the finish of it?

KEITH: That's the finish of it, as far as I know.

Somebody, probably my boy, said that's what it is, so?

Have we got-- have we got that much?

No.

Oh, crikey.

We're close.

KEITH: Right, OK. Well-- We've got-- Go on, then.

We've got 198 pounds.

That'll do.

That'll do it?

SU POLLARD: Oh, you are excellent!

NARRATOR: Lordy, that was quick.

And they've blown their budget.

Back to Ruth and Raj.

They're having a snoop amongst some pretty little bottles.

That's a nice one.

RAJ BISRAM: It's a sweet little one, yeah.

75, though, it's the money.

It's the money.

NARRATOR: Well, that's because it's 19th century, and it's hallmark silver.

And guess who owns it?

Dealer Paul.

Raj calls his new best friend once more.

Would you do it for 45?

PAUL (ON PHONE): No, I'm trying think if it's the same one.

Yeah, it's a very small, engraved, silver one.

Yep?

45?

We have a deal.

Oh, thank you!

If you were here, I'd shake your hand, and Ruth would give you a nice, big hug.

NARRATOR: This pair are on fire today.

The little silver scent bottle for 45 pounds, taking their tally to five lots.

What fun.

Meanwhile, as Su adores history, she's in for a special treat.

Phil's taking her to the National Roman Legion Museum in the town of Caerleon in Gwent.

We may be familiar with the two great Roman fortresses of York and Chester, but over 1,500 years ago, this small Welsh town was home to 6,000 heavily armed infantry troops that made up the Second Augustine Legion.

Caerleon was one of approximately 30 similar fortresses which secured the very frontiers of the Roman Empire, running from the wild Welsh mountains to the deserts of Arabia.

SU POLLARD: Hello.

NARRATOR: A site of considerable archaeological importance, curator Dr. Mark Lewis is going to show them around one of the largest Roman military collections in the world.

Mark, why did the Romans come here in the first place?

Well, Welsh gold.

"There's gold in them thar hills."

And they were after the gold that we'd been producing for centuries.

They knew it was here, and they wanted it for their mint in Rome.

Flipping heck, they sniff everything out, don't they?

NARRATOR: Well, that's one way of putting it.

[ROMAN TUBA] Now, Su loves her jewelry, and the museum houses some of the oldest pieces she will ever have seen.

Here, we've got some of the fabulous gemstones that were lost in Caerleon.

88 of these were lost down our fortress bath's drain.

Because if you look at the ring there, you'll see that the gemstones weren't clasped into rings, they were just adhered into the ring bezel.

And in the heat of the bathhouse, in the moisture of the bathhouse, the adhesive just softened.

And 88 of these fell out, and we found them down the drain.

Can't believe that.

Is it possible for me to try that one on, just there?

You may, yes.

Put the gloves on there and try it on.

Don't confuse the two, will you?

No, no, no.

No.

No, I won't, because I know that is the modern one, that I've got on now, of course.

That's Elizabethan, isn't it?

Er, yes, I think so.

PHILIP SERRELL: Yes.

Absolutely, yeah.

How did you know that?

PHILIP SERRELL: Yes, the Second.

SU POLLARD: And that-- [LAUGHS] I can't believe I'm actually wearing something that's Roman.

And how old would this be, then?

That's about 1,800 years old.

SU POLLARD: [GASPS] NARRATOR: This is a commemorative building stone that features Roman Commander Flavius Rufus, who helped build the fortress here.

PHILIP SERRELL: I mean, I think it's just fantastic.

But how old is that?

That probably dates to around the year AD 100 to AD 200.

Flavius Rufus was the centurion in command of the first cohort, first century.

So he's right at the front of the Roman army, and it's his job to protect the imperial gold eagle that the legion carries.

But you know what, I'd love to see him.

Can you imagine?

Roman gladiators, starring Flavius Rufus.

PHILIP SERRELL: That's, for me, the hairs on the back of the neck stuff.

It is, yeah.

And one of the most interesting things about this stone is that there was no writing in this part of the world until the Romans brought it here.

So we're looking at some of the earliest writing, some of the earliest words ever to have been set down in this part of the world.

So the Romans certainly brought us bureaucracy, admin, and the small print.

NARRATOR: Outside the museum, Su and Phil are exploring the most completely excavated amphitheater in Roman Britain.

Everything from gladiatorial combat to the hunting of wild animals would be watched by a crowd of thousands here.

I am Maximus Phillius Serrellus, and I will have my vengeance in this life, or the next.

Utter balderdash!

I am Susus Pollisus Maximus, and I will absolutely beat you to the ground.

Go on then.

- No, no, no.

- What?

I thought of something much better than that.

What?

One moment, please.

NARRATOR: I didn't think your regular gladiator had shiny handbags.

Go on, then.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

What's this?

You're never going to win.

Bloody hell.

At arms!

[LAUGHTER] No, come on.

Have at thee, varlet!

- Whoa!

- Ya!

Ha-ha!

- Ow!

Ya!

Ha-ha!

Ya!

Call yourself a-- NARRATOR: Our Su would have had the Roman soldiers quaking in their sandals.

Look at Phil go!

You haven't had a handbagging-- - No!

- for ages.

NARRATOR: [LAUGHS] Oh dear.

All joking aside, the 6,000 strong legion that took over this remote part of South Wales have given the museum half a million Roman artifacts.

With one of the finest amphitheaters in the world, Caerleon is a living memorial to the Roman invasion of Britain.

Ruth and Raj have motored their way to Bridgend in Mid Glamorgan, an opportunity for Ruth to give Raj some lessons in Welsh.

Llanfair-- Llanfair-- --pwllgwyngyll-- --pwllgwyngyll-- --gogerych-- --gogerych-- --wyrndrobwll-- --wyrndrobwll-- --llantysilio-- --llantysilio-- --gogogoch.

--gogogoch.

[LAUGHTER] Very good!

NARRATOR: Blimey, it's "Basil Brush."

Our pair have 252 pounds, exactly, left in their kitty.

Ooh, this looks a nice shop.

It certainly does, Ruth.

Oh, Raj!

[MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR: And would you believe it, Ruth is barely in the shop, and she's excited about something.

Hey, look at this!

Oh, yeah.

Dinosaur eggs!

NARRATOR: At 500 pounds each.

The hadrosaurus was a herbivore that weighed around seven tons.

Well, I can remember these.

Good heavens.

Can you really?

When they first came out!

Oh, don't show your age.

[LAUGHTER] RAJ BISRAM: Wow!

I mean, imagine, how old these are.

Look, it says here, 95-plus million years old.

RUTH MADOC: Gosh.

That's incredible.

I think-- Just one of those.

One of those.

If we could get it with the money that we've got, and we could offer him every penny that we own, we've got it.

- Yeah.

Do we know how much we've got left?

We've got about 200 and something.

NARRATOR: 252 to be precise.

That's about half an egg.

There's a market for dinosaur eggs, and some have sold recently for thousands.

A potentially lucrative buy.

Now, where's owner Julian to talk about money.

I know you've got 500 pounds each, and obviously, we would only want one of them.

We have got-- BOTH: 252 pounds.

Haven't you ever seen any before on your travels?

I-- I-- Occasionally, not very often.

Occasionally, but not-- JULIAN: They should be in a museum, these things.

RAJ BISRAM: They should, I agree.

I mean, I've never ever bought anything so old.

And it would be a challenge for me to buy something that's so old.

And we want to spend all our money.

RUTH MADOC: Yes.

Now, if you could do that-- one of these for 252 pounds, we'd have a sale.

RUTH MADOC: We would be very grateful.

We would, yeah.

I can't rob a young Welsh lady, can I?

So I'll shake this man's hand.

- Thank you, Julian.

What?

And give this young lady a kiss.

Oh, my lovely boy!

[MUMBLES] RUTH MADOC: Thank you so much.

RAJ BISRAM: Thank you so much.

RUTH MADOC: All right.

NARRATOR: Ruth and Raj, that is one heck of a buy, and you've blown the budget.

Nice work.

With the shopping now complete, time for a nosy at one another's buys.

Phil, as you know, I've been doing this a long time, but I have to tell you that I bought the oldest thing I've ever bought today.

Go on, then.

RAJ BISRAM: Ever.

Well, let's have a look, come on.

RAJ BISRAM: OK. SU POLLARD: Show us.

RUTH MADOC: OK, we will reveal-- SU POLLARD: Drum roll!

[DRUMBEATS] NARRATOR: You all right, Su?

RUTH MADOC: --what we've got.

SU POLLARD: Oh.

RUTH MADOC: They're very-- NARRATOR: Look at this.

RUTH MADOC: This-- PHILIP SERRELL: Did you go on the beach?

NARRATOR: Hah, did I go on the beach?

RUTH MADOC: No, this-- BOTH: --is 95 million years old.

RAJ BISRAM: It's a-- SU POLLARD: You having a laugh.

RUTH MADOC: No.

- What is it?

RAJ BISRAM: It's a dinosaur egg.

RUTH MADOC: A dinosaur egg.

PHILIP SERRELL: You've got an egg in your handbag, haven't you?

SU POLLARD: Blimey-- RUTH MADOC: No, don't.

Don't, don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

SU POLLARD: No, No, No, because I might drop it.

Now, that, we got-- it was 500, and we actually got it down to 252 pounds.

Well, he's only the oldest thing that I've ever bought.

[LAUGHTER] Ridiculous-- NARRATOR: OK, Su.

Now, stop bickering.

Time for you to reveal your big-ticket item.

What is that?

PHILIP SERRELL: It's a ship's figurehead.

RAJ BISRAM: Is it?

PHILIP SERRELL: Yeah.

It's wood and plaster, and there's no doubt it's got-- it's a bit "Tommy Cotton."

NARRATOR: English translation-- RAJ BISRAM: OK. NARRATOR: --rotten.

PHILIP SERRELL: There's a bit of plaster in here.

RAJ BISRAM: Can I ask, how much did you pay for this?

PHILIP SERRELL: He was 400 pounds.

No way.

SU POLLARD: He was.

PHILIP SERRELL: And we got it for 198-- RUTH MADOC: Oh, that's very good.

PHILIP SERRELL: --because that's all we had left.

SU POLLARD: That's right.

Well, may the best team win.

PHILIP SERRELL: We're going to leave you now.

RAJ BISRAM: Ruth-- NARRATOR: But confidentially-- RAJ BISRAM: --come on.

NARRATOR: --what do you really think?

I was really, really worried when I saw that egg.

But then, again, not everybody likes dinosaurs' eggs.

RUTH MADOC: That figurehead thing, now, it'll either bomb, or, you know, it'll go, you know, right up.

I think you're absolutely right.

I think that that's a very, very iffy one.

NARRATOR: Auction time beckons, and we're off to Congleton in Cheshire.

Stand by, Congleton.

[LAUGHTER] You know, Beth, wouldn't it be great if we could both win.

If we could just both-- Oh, yeah.

Well, you say you're going to win.

Well, yes.

I mean, I'm-- I'm optimistic.

Yes.

NARRATOR: Everything's going so well.

[ELECTRICAL NOISE] Uh-oh!

SU POLLARD: Well, look, I mean, that bonnet's up there-- - Yeah.

- --what are we going to do?

We'll have-- - No, no, no.

Just a minute.

Calm down.

Listen, we are not very far from the auction room.

I think we're going to have to walk, love.

Come on, Susie.

Yeah, I'm coming.

NARRATOR: Thankfully, the auction house is just around the corner.

And Su's been busy composing.

Oh, dear.

(RAPPING) Now, we're on the final lap.

And Phil deserves a little nap.

The wig stayed put down every road.

And he never crushed a single toad.

Say Phil.

ALL: Phil!

SU POLLARD: Ha, ha, ha.

Say Phil!

ALL: Phil!

Da, da, da.

[LAUGHTER] Let's go.

Come on!

Let's go and sell our goodies.

RUTH MADOC: To the auction.

To the auction.

NARRATOR: The musical Su and Phil spent every single penny of their 400 pounds on a huge haul of six lots.

Ruth and Raj blew the budget also on six lots, with Ruth proving to be one heck of a negotiator.

Whittaker and Biggs is our auction house today.

Neil Ashley is the man bashing the gavel.

And what does he think of the road-trippers' wares?

NEIL ASHLEY: The ship's figurehead-- unfortunately, that sailor's had one or two rums, and had a bit of damage to his neck area.

The hadrosaur egg-- 90 million years old, very, very quirky, unusual lot, could-- we put a come-and-get-me price of 50 to 150, could make a lot, lot more than that.

NARRATOR: Sounds promising.

Our colorful stars arrive amidst a packed room.

RUTH MADOC: This is so exciting.

SU POLLARD: I know.

PHILIP SERRELL: This is it, isn't it?

RUTH MADOC: This is it.

NARRATOR: First up, it's Ruth with the collection of Roman necklaces.

A lot of the people around here, they don't look as if they, you know, would like anything Roman.

Would they?

RAJ BISRAM: Oh, I don't know.

Hold on a minute.

I think I've just seen Caligula over there.

He's just come in.

NEIL ASHLEY: 20.

10 pound.

RUTH MADOC: Come on, they're Roman, these.

RAJ BISRAM: Oh, come on.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound-- 15.

A 15 bid.

20.

A 20 pound bid.

5.

25.

SU POLLARD: Oh, that's good, that's good.

25.

NEIL ASHLEY: At the back at 25.

25 and a bid.

25 bid.

25 and a bid.

25.

25.

25.

25.

Hammer's up, you lose out, left and right of me.

I sell at 25.

RUTH MADOC: Ah, we bombed.

NARRATOR: It's not that bad, Ruth.

I've seen a lot worse.

[INAUDIBLE] useless again!

NARRATOR: Hang on, Su-- RUTH MADOC: This is yours.

NARRATOR: --it's not Phil's fault.

It's the horse harness hames next.

All we need is somebody who is horse mad and maybe collects them themselves, you know.

Or a scrap metal merchant.

Yes-- what you talking about?

What?

You'll get a handbagging in a minute.

NEIL ASHLEY: 10 pound.

A 10 bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

15.

- You're in profit.

You're in a good profit.

- Got it.

Got it.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 15 pound bid.

15 pound up.

Left and right of me.

15 pound bid.

A 15 pound bid.

A 15 pound.

15 pound.

Hammer's up, you lose.

I sell them, make no mistake, at 15 pounds.

RUTH MADOC: That's very good.

- Yes!

- Well done.

Well done.

RUTH MADOC: And you got them for nothing.

NARRATOR: Well, 2 pounds, actually.

Brilliant result from the farm purchase.

Right, that's been fantastic.

Thank you very much.

We're off now.

Well done.

That'll be the end of it, will it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lovely to see you.

[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Don't count your chickens, Phil, it's Ruth's Roman dice and pen next.

NEIL ASHLEY: 10.

10 pound bid.

15.

20.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

25.

First bid at 25.

A 25 bid.

A 25 bid.

I sell then, make no mistake, at 25.

Oh, dear, dear.

Well, they got a real bargain, that's all I can say.

SU POLLARD: Yeah.

Because, they're amazing, those.

NARRATOR: The perils of the auction room, I'm afraid, Ruth.

But the other ones will probably do really well.

NARRATOR: Loving your optimism there, Su.

Right, get ready, it's Su's "Rupert Bear" and the trike next.

NEIL ASHLEY: One 10 pound away.

And I'm going to speak to you bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

I got a 10 pound bid.

Come on, we need a bit more than this.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

Oh, come on!

Somebody must want it for their child.

NEIL ASHLEY: I'm going to sell then.

A 10 pound bid.

I sell, make no mistake, at 10 pounds.

SU POLLARD: Oh!

NARRATOR: What a shame, Su.

Someone's got a cracker of a buy there, I think.

There's a long way to go yet.

NARRATOR: Very true, Raj.

It's Ruth cocktail set up next.

I reckon it might make 9.

[LAUGHTER] We only paid 8 for it.

But, typically, you're optimistic to the end.

Oh, yes.

NEIL ASHLEY: I've got two commission bids.

I'm going to go 10, 15, 20, 5, 30 pound with me.

Yes!

Let's go.

Come on.

NEIL ASHLEY: 30 pounds, place you bid.

35.

35.

And the commissions are out.

35, I've taken on my right.

35 and a bid.

A 35 bid.

35 and a bid.

35.

For 35, hammers up, you lose.

I sell then, make no mistake, at 35.

Fantastic!

Great.

Congratulations!

Oh, thank goodness.

NARRATOR: Well done.

The biggest profit of the day so far.

Cheers.

SU POLLARD: Why didn't you buy it?

You must have seen it in the shop.

RUTH MADOC: [INAUDIBLE] RAJ BISRAM: We've lost so far-- but we were still in profit there.

NARRATOR: Yes, Su, shh, it's your terracotta ridge tile next.

NEIL ASHLEY: 20.

One 10 pound away.

A 10 pound away quickly bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

SU POLLARD: This man is [INAUDIBLE].. NEIL ASHLEY: A 10 pound bid.

A10 pound bid.

15 if you like.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

SU POLLARD: That man bought it, behind us.

NEIL ASHLEY: Make no mistake, I cash at 10 pounds.

SU POLLARD: You were marvellous.

Did you buy that?

RAJ BISRAM: For every [INAUDIBLE],, you lose a pound.

SU POLLARD: Oh, there's a lovely chappie behind us.

Oh, thank you so much.

They just lost us 15 quid.

SU POLLARD: In that case, oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm taking it all back.

NARRATOR: At least you didn't get smacked with the handbag, Phil.

I've been listening to the auctioneer, he's wonderful.

Yes, have you heard him, when he goes, give me 5, 25, 25, 35, 5, 5, 5, 5, 35-- RUTH MADOC: You'd make a good auctioneer, love.

You wouldn't make a very good auctioneer.

You know why?

Because you've got to talk a lot.

Yeah.

And that's something that you're not very good at, is it, Su?

You are so-- NARRATOR: Watch out, Raj, she's not afraid to use her handbag.

It's Ruth's little Swissair ashtray-cum-bonbon stand next.

NEIL ASHLEY: 10 bid.

10 bid.

10 bid.

15.

20.

A 20 pound bid, don't leave it now.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

25.

RUTH MADOC: Come on.

RAJ BISRAM: Guys, come on!

It's a collector's item.

NEIL ASHLEY: 5, 40.

SU POLLARD: No.

Oh, yes, it's going up.

NEIL ASHLEY: 40 pound, right at the very back.

A 40 pound bid.

A 40 pound bid.

A 40 pound bid.

Oh, they are doing so well.

NEIL ASHLEY: 40 pound.

40 pound.

40 pound.

Hammer's up, you lose.

I cash then, make no mistake, at 40 pounds.

As I do, well done.

Oh, well done.

RAJ BISRAM: That's a first-class result.

NARRATOR: Nice profit there, Ruth.

You've definitely got an eye.

Phil, tell me about this-- this thing you bought.

- What-- Thing?

This is-- this is Su, don't ever call her a thing.

She's been with me the whole trip, haven't you, lovely?

Yes.

Has he upset you?

Yes.

Don't you call her a thing.

SU POLLARD: Thing!

NARRATOR: Yeah, Raj, how dare you?

It's Su's framed Victorian and Edwardian ladies' accessories next.

NEIL ASHLEY: Money, I've got commissions of 10 pound with me.

10 pound.

10 pound a bid.

A 10 pound-- a 10 pound bid.

SU POLLARD: A 10 pound bid.

10.

10.

25.

25.

25.

NEIL ASHLEY: Who's got the money to make, but I'm going to sell it.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

A 10 pound bid.

15.

15 pound bid.

A 15 pound bid.

SU POLLARD: That lady said it was going to be worth 50.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 15 pound bid.

A 15 pound bid.

15, here to go.

A 15 pound bid, I sell then at 15 pounds.

Perhaps, if we could do a road trip where we just buy things and never sell anything.

A bit like we're doing today, really, but-- NARRATOR: What a shame.

Someone's got another brilliant deal.

Try those on.

SU POLLARD: [LAUGHS] Look at-- Your wig's gone!

SU POLLARD: You look like "Brains."

Oh, no, quick.

NARRATOR: Oh, dear.

It's Ruth's silver scent bottle next.

NEIL ASHLEY: I've got commissions with me of 10 pounds, a very low start.

A 10 pound bid.

15.

20.

5.

30.

5.

Commission's out.

35.

40.

40 pound.

Don't leave it now.

A 40 pound bid.

RAJ BISRAM: Come on!

RUTH MADOC: Come on, you guys.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 40 pound bid taken on my right, make no mistake.

A 40 pound bid.

A 40 pound bid.

A 40 pound bid.

A 40 pound bid.

RAJ BISRAM: Come on!

NEIL ASHLEY: To the left of me.

I sell then, make no mistake, at 40 pounds.

Yeah, I'm happy with that, to be honest.

RUTH MADOC: Thank you.

Yeah.

NARRATOR: Not bad.

You know, Ruth, your love for antiques really does shine through.

OK, Su, let's see if your Victorian pub table can rustle up some profits.

Well, let's hope they don't call last orders on it.

[LAUGHTER] Oh, yeah-- yeah, you're right, there's still time!

Ooh, you're catching on.

And I'll ring the bell.

Ooh, and what will you do?

Go home.

[LAUGHTER] NEIL ASHLEY: Only 15 pound.

15.

20.

5.

30.

5.

40.

5.

50.

5.

60.

5.

70.

That's the way, 70 pounds.

5.

75.

75.

SU POLLARD: Oh, come on.

NEIL ASHLEY: An 80 bid.

An 80 bid.

An 80 bid.

An 80 bid.

An 80 bid.

An 80 bid.

5.

85.

- Oh, this is fabulous.

NEIL ASHLEY: 90 pound.

90 pound.

SU POLLARD: Can you make it 100, please?

NEIL ASHLEY: Up she goes.

100.

100 pound.

RUTH MADOC: There you go!

SU POLLARD: Yes!

NEIL ASHLEY: 100 pound.

100 pound.

5.

105.

A 105 bid.

A 105 bid.

RAJ BISRAM: Telephone bidder.

Telephone bidder.

NEIL ASHLEY: A 105 bid.

All out, left and right of me, you lose.

I sell at 105.

PHILIP SERRELL: Well done, hey.

RUTH MADOC: Oh, yes.

SU POLLARD: Yay!

Whoever bought it, you're an absolute, total star.

Thank you so much.

NARRATOR: Su's happy with that.

Oh, isn't it exciting.

I tell you what, that's a huge relief to me, that is.

NARRATOR: It's a big gamble, the dinosaur egg is next.

You've got your dinosaur-- Yeah.

--we've got our figurehead.

It's all or nothing, isn't it, really?

It's all or nothing.

This is sink or swim.

Do you know who's winning?

Oh, don't swim, I haven't got me bathers.

Do you know who's winning yet?

NEIL ASHLEY: 5.

4.

300 away.

300, you bid me.

2 and away.

Here to go, 100 pound.

50 pound.

It's a bid.

A 50 pound bid.

Oh, no, you've got 50 pounds.

NEIL ASHLEY: 50 pound.

50 pound.

60.

70.

80.

90.

100.

120.

120.

120.

I think you're wrong.

120.

It's still cheap.

Oh, come on.

NEIL ASHLEY: 120.

120.

120.

RUTH MADOC: It's so cheap.

NEIL ASHLEY: 120.

120.

120.

120.

Out left and right of me, you lose.

I sell, make no mistake, at 120.

What a buy he's got, the guy.

NARRATOR: Oh, addled.

That's painful.

Such a wonderful lot, but it just didn't get the big bids you hoped for.

Well, somebody got a real bargain there.

RUTH MADOC: Yeah.

NARRATOR: Yeah, they really have.

Now, the last item of the day, the other big money gamble, the ship's figurehead is next.

We gambled as well.

This isn't over yet.

NEIL ASHLEY: 200.

150.

Here to go, 100 pound.

80 pound.

50 pound.

30 pound.

A 20 bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound bid.

A 20 pound.

5.

25, what we're doing down here.

25.

25 bid.

At 25.

25 bid.

PHILIP SERRELL: I do think that's quite cheap, Raj.

NEIL ASHLEY: 25.

25.

I sell then, make no mistake, at 25.

That's JM02 at 25.

Do you not think that is cheap?

Really?

NARRATOR: Oh, no, that's very unfortunate.

Always look on the bright side you lot.

Should we make our way?

Shall we?

Let's go then, shall we?

OK, then.

RAJ BISRAM: After you, ladies.

SU POLLARD: I think-- RUTH MADOC: Wow.

SU POLLARD: I think, disappointment drinks are on me.

RUTH MADOC: Yeah.

SU POLLARD: Never mind.

RUTH MADOC: Never mind.

Come on.

RAJ BISRAM: After you.

RUTH MADOC: Thank you.

NARRATOR: Now, time for the calculations.

Su and Phil started out with 400 pounds.

After all auction costs, they've made a painful loss of 252 pounds and 40 pence.

Their final takings are 147 pounds and 60 pence.

What a couple, hey?

Ruth and Raj also began with 400 pounds.

And after all sale room costs, they have also suffered a loss, 166 pounds and 30 pence to be exact.

Their final earnings are 233 pounds and 70 pence, making them today's "Road Trip" winners.

We lost.

I mean, if-- in the general scheme of things, I don't see this as being a big deal, right?

Out of our 400 pounds, we lost 250 quid, and you lost about 170, so it's a bit nip and tuck, really.

It was definitely nip and tuck.

It was all down to the last item for both of us, wasn't it?

Well, the main thing is-- it's like we said, it's just what it's going to be like on the day.

And sadly, on the day, I just want to die!

NARRATOR: Oh, blimey, Su.

And the Roller's still not rolling.

Ladies, as you know, the two of us are gentlemen.

You may have our car and a chauffeur to take you all the way home.

SU POLLARD: Ah!

That is amazing.

SU POLLARD: Ah, bless you, you know.

Thank you so much, Raj.

NARRATOR: But before you go-- SU POLLARD: Come on.

NARRATOR: --just for me.

Hello, campers.

BOTH: Hi-de-hi!

RUTH MADOC: Bye!

PHILIP SERRELL: Bye, ladies.

SU POLLARD: Bye-e-e-e!

Would you do this sort of thing again?

Ooh, yes.

Yes.

Like a shot.

Yes, I would.

NARRATOR: Byesie-bye, lovely ladies.

[CHORTLES]