(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Saffy: Mum!

Mum.

-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) -(TURNS OFF MUSIC) Edina: Help!

Help!

Help!

Saffy: Stop.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Anyway, that would never have happened, darling, if this room had been a little bit bigger.

Well, nobody I know has, has-has cupboards like this anymore, you know.

I need another room, really, don't I?

Hmm?

What's through here?

-Serge's room.

-Oh.

Oh.

What's through here?

-Hmm?

-My room.

Oh.

(HOLLOW THUDDING) What are you thinking?

You ever notice, darling, how little space I've got in here?

I mean, nobody I know lives in a house this small, darling.

No.

It's so sordid, isn't it, darling, to sort of have to get dressed in this room?

You know, sleep, dress, sleep, dress.

It's so kind of '70s, isn't it?

To sort of have clothes draped all over the place.

Look at them here, all, all the hanging limp in this, in thisflimsy wardrobe.

No.

All just waiting to be worn, darling, all cramped in there and uncared for.

Darling.

Battery clothes, sweetie.

I lie awake at night sometimes, darling, just thinking about those clothes standing there.

They're hassling me, darling.

Look.

"Why don't you put me on?

Wear me.

Wear me."

I mean, year in and year out, darling, thinking about...

There are some clothes that are so far back they may never see the light of day again.

All just hanging there like... like old skins.

Shed and shedded.

I am forced to sleep with these corpses.

-But, darl-- -Absolutely not.

The only thing I could find or it's all creased and... Mum, stop it.

I will not be annexed.

I need my bedroom.

You know that gorgeous attic, we've got, darling?

No.

-We'll get designers in.

-No.

-Windows.

-No!

-I'll pay you.

-No!

Darling, I want... -Hi, Eddy.

-Oh, hello, darling.

-...a walk-in wardrobe!

-(SIGHS) There is Serge's room.

He's not here.

Yeah, what if he came back, you know?

I thought he did come back.

No, that wasn't him.

-But, that-- -That wasn't him, darling, no.

Well, then, who was it?

Well, you know those door-to-door unemployed they send 'round, you know.

Oh, yeah, fantastic.

It was one of those, darling.

Look.

(SIGHS) It was an easy mistake to make.

Anyway, didn't fool me for long.

Long enough to get a sporty hatchback and a job in Youth Television.

-Edina: Hmm.

-What?

He's the new boy on The Word.

The one that looks like a pit bull.

And the brains to match.

-Patsy: What?

-(SIGHS) It was an easy mistake to make, Mum.

You haven't seen him for six years.

Six years, six years, how dare you, darling?

Six... years, is it, is it?

One punishes you by leaving, and the other punishes us all by staying.

It's been six years.

No one's been in that room since he left.

I...

I have never been in it.

I mean, he never let me in.

Tried to get him when he was 13, you know, to sort of paint it black and scatter beanbags and cushions everywhere, but, no.

Changed the locks.

-You got that key, darling?

-No.

Use the shorter one.

Shorter one.

(LOCK CLICKS) (EDINA WHISPERING) (GASPS) (SHUDDERING) Oh, God, it's a bit rank in here.

(COUGHS) -Saffy: It always smelled like this.

-Is this a...

Boy's room.

It's quite a sexy smell I always thought, Ed.

The smell of a ripening tuck box.

Yeah.

Ooh, look at this, my son's room, my son's room.

My son, my lovely, lovely son.

It's funny, isn't it?

That mother-son thing.

It's not like you and me, darling.

It's a mother-son thing.

You know, with a mother and the son the cord is never really cut, darling.

He's not coming back you know, Mum.

It may be stretched to the limit at the moment, darling, but at any moment, and when he least expects it, it will catapult him back across the ocean.

Umbililical whiplash, darling.

(SIGHS) My gorgeous son, my son, my lovely, lovely son.

You're so beautiful, Mum.

All the boys at school can't believe you're my mother.

One day when I'm older, I'd like to take you out to dinner.

-Edina: At San Lorenzo's?

-Yes.

Just you.

And I, Mother.

I'll pay.

-Well, who's that?

-That's him.

God, I thought that was Jimmy Osmond.

Ugh.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Oh, it won't take long to clear this lot out, will it, darling?

This can go in the attic.

Yeah.

What is all this, anyway?

Beanos, Dandys, Boy's Own, Razzle.

-Razzle?

-Razzle?

-I never knew he-- -Razzle?

-Well, I-- -Razzle?

What year?

'72.

Month?

Edina: For what, huh, the month?

January.

Whew.

-That's fine.

-Let's have a look at that.

-It's disgusting.

-Oh, let me see.

-I think we should throw it away.

-Let me just see it first.

Let me just see it.

"Disgusting."

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(GROANS IN DISGUST) Oh, look at that, look at that.

Don't look at that.

It's disgusting.

That is so degrading to women.

-Ooh.

-What do you mean?

-She's got the whip.

-Yeah.

I think we should throw this away.

-Tut, tut, tut, tut.

-(DOORBELL DINGS) -Mum.

-The door.

Door.

Those are my friends.

I'll be working downstairs, so... -So what?

-Shall I take it and throw it out?

-I could throw it out, darling.

-I will.

I can throw it out, darling.

Oh.

Let me see.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Look at that, Pats.

It's, um, porn, isn't it?

It's just sex, Eddy.

It's just people doing sex, there's nothing to get uptight about.

Yeah, I know.

It just always makes me sort of anxious, you know.

I'm not like you.

You can just do it.

You know, you've always been like a sort of vessel waiting to be filled.

But I'm not like that, you know.

I can't just disconnect myself and become a sort of... exploitable object of no value.

I can't do that.

That's not for me.

It's just sex, Eddy.

I mean, you used to do it sometimes, didn't you?

Well, yeah, in the '60s, darling.

Oh, '60s, yeah.

-Yeah, you know.

-Yeah.

The odd flirtation with the big O.

-Yeah, the pill, happenings, orgies.

-Yeah.

-Orgies?

-Oh, yeah, babe.

Was I there?

Oh, yeah, Eddy.

Remember?

No.

I know everyone thinks we're like the... Specky, four-eyed swots.

Bicycle face's what I get.

Yes, well, we must make it clear that this is just a fun lecture in film, you know, just casual, about genetics and ethics.

And, hey, it would be great if you came.

(ALL LAUGHING) Maybe we should make the title catchier.

-Like?

-Oh, um... Oh, no, I nearly had one.

"Gen... etics Ethics."

Well, that's just shorter, isn't it?

Yeah.

"Gentics"?

No, that's just stupid.

Oh.

"Genetics and Ethics" is quite catchy.

Sort of says it, doesn't it?

Yeah.

So, darling, I mean, I've spent a fortune in my life trying to get in touch with my sexual being.

I mean, don't you remember I spent that week, darling, celebrating my private parts?

Do you remember that?

I mean, I've work-shopped them, painted them, drawn them, written poetry to them.

Treated them to a three-course meal at the restaurant of their choice.

And yet we are still as strangers.

Still, I'm not entirely unhappy about that.

I mean, you know, I'm just not the sort of woman who wants to spend a free afternoon squatted over a small hand mirror, you know.

For God's sake, I've seen doctors go pale.

Look, Eddy, all you have to do is to find someone, go out with them, have a few drinks and... (EXCLAIMS) That's alright for you, isn't it?

I mean, I...

I'm not interested in any of the people I get offers from, anyway.

And I'd rather die than go out with some sort of short, grey-haired, aftershaved, Armani-spectacled, 50-year-old executive with a manicure, darling.

I mean, it would be alright if it was just sort of, you know... (EXCLAIMS SOFTLY) Some, you know, like Razzle?

That can be fixed.

We can get you a man.

-Well, how?

-Pay.

-Pay?

-Yeah, everyone's doing it.

-Are they?

-Yeah.

What, you just rent a man, do you?

Yeah, rent two, we'll make a night of it.

Maybe we should discuss the...

I was going to say "radicalization," -but that's American, isn't it?

-(ALL GIGGLE) (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "At this moment in time."

(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah.

"To boldly be..." No, um... "To go boldly beyond what man has gone before."

Do you want a drink before we go, darling?

Yeah, fantastic, sweetie.

Oh... What do you want, Bolli?

Cocktail.

What, Bolli Stoli?

Okay.

And next, we should just discuss issues such as sex determination.

Just ask.

And imagine the nightmare scenario if parents were able to actually choose exactly the child they wanted.

Oh, God, she doesn't see the irony.

-What?

-Huh?

Oh, nothing, darling, nothing.

Actually, darling...

Darling sweetheart.

Hello, Mother.

Darling, darling.

When are you doing this thing?

You know, this genet-ethics-ics thing?

Tomorrow night.

Why?

No reason.

-It doesn't give us long enough, does it?

-Long enough.

Long enough.

Long enough.

Good.

-Shall I get them?

-No, I know someone who can get them.

I know someone who can get them.

It's perfect.

Well, then, all we have to do is to decide the kind of man that you like.

-Yeah, I know.

Let's have a look.

-The type...

I don't want those big, muscle-y ones, 'cause they've got small privates, don't they?

You want a tight butt.

Tight butt.

But no hair here I'm not having a hairy back.

Would you mind going?

Darling, I live here.

So long as I'm living in this house there is a rule, don't ever embarrass me in front of my friends.

I won't.

Here you are, babes.

-Mum!

-No, no, that wasn't me, that wasn't me.

-Get out!

-It wasn't me.

It was her.

All we have to do now is find someone who you'll never meet again the rest of your life.

Oh, darling.

It could be any man I've ever been out with.

Sorry.

I think we should just throw this away.

I mean, where do people get those things, anyway?

We can get them at...

I...

I don't know.

You, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) ...off to bed then, darling, are you?

In a minute.

I think we should have a little talk, don't you?

Have you seen this, darling?

This Nancy Friday.

It's extraordinary.

She just gets complete strangers to relate their filthiest thoughts and sells them as therapy.

-It's fantastic.

-Saffy: Mum.

I want to know what you're planning for tomorrow night.

Armpit kissing?

Would you kiss an arm-- I want to know.

Sweetie.

It is simply the extrication of myself from the burden of sexual norms, and the restoration of my own powerful and integrated sexuality.

An orgy?

Yeah, that's the one.

Why?

What do you mean why?

I mean, just 'cause... (SIGHS) Just 'cause I've gotta do it sometime, darling, haven't I?

I mean, I know you think I've lived this kind of debauched and crazed life, darling, but I haven't really.

I mean, sex was, you know, never really my thing.

I always felt so guilty, you know, when I was young.

I always felt my mother was watching me, darling.

I mean, wherever I was, whoever I was with, I could feel her watching me.

Her retinas were my contraception in those days.

And then you see, then I just got married twice... and was rarely troubled.

Well, be careful.

Yeah, it'll be alright.

Pats'll be there.

Don't worry.

Have you...

Uh... Have you got any... things?

No.

Not at the moment, no.

Well, I'll...

I'll get you some tomorrow.

Thank you, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Darling, darling.

Sweetheart.

-Friends?

-No.

Mother and daughter.

Okay.

(CREAKING) Hello.

Hello, darling sweetie, it's Mummy.

Darling, just checking, it's tonight, isn't it, darling?

Wednesday night?

Your...

Your...

Your geneti-thetics thing, yes, darling.

So you won't be in?

Alright.

I'll see you later.

Alright, bye.

Found it, Eddy.

A little something to put us in the mood, make tonight go with a swing.

-So who did you find?

-What?

Procurer, pimp.

Darling, it's my hair colorist, Christopher.

You know him.

Are you mad?

Darling, he knows everybody, and he's very, very discreet.

-Christopher called.

-Edina: Mm-hmm.

-Through the telephone.

-Hmm.

Say he's coming over any minute to discuss what kind of men you want for the orgy.

Yeah, thanks.

Now, go.

Yes, thank you very much, that'll be all.

An orgy?

No.

I thought you didn't do sex.

Look, I'm a free person.

I can do what I want.

And yes, true, I have chosen to be celibate for the past few mon... years.

Celibate?

"I'm celibate."

That's what everyone says when they can't have it off, isn't it?

"I'm celibate."

"I'm fat and ugly with no chance of a pork," more like.

-Shut up.

-Shall I hit her, Eddy?

Get out.

Go on, get out.

(SIGHS) You ever been celibate, Pats, hmm?

Celibacy leaves a lot to be desired.

-Hello, darling.

-Oh, my God.

Christopher.

Now, this is my other half, David.

He's tagged along.

He might just be of some use.

-Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

-Hello.

-So, long time no see.

-Yeah.

You want a drink or something?

Uh, yeah, go on, I'll have a vodka then, please, yeah.

-David?

-Well... Oh, go on, have a voddy.

He'll have a vodka as well.

I mean, it is not as if you've gotta go to work this afternoon.

He's unemployed.

I'm keeping both of us at the moment.

Living off my tips.

He could have a job, of course.

I'm not going back to that.

I've told you.

So who's been doing you then?

Have you been off to that Nicky Clarke, or is it that bottle?

-Thank you.

-He started from nothing.

Oh, you, you're a whore with your hair.

I'd like to add a tone to that.

Why don't you pop in when you've got a second?

Alright, I will, yeah.

You sure this is the right man for the job?

-He knows everyone, doesn't he?

-Yes.

-Right, let's get down to business.

-Well, then... -Alright.

-Give me that book.

We've selected a few names, but you can tell us more what you're after.

Right.

Okay.

-Now... there's Warren.

-Edina: Hmm.

He's blond, sort of muscle-y.

Might be a bit short for you, though.

Is he straight?

-No, not entirely.

-Oh.

Not at all, from what I've heard.

I think straight is essential.

All: Yeah.

Alright, I just didn't know if you were going to take the whole hog or not, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, every bit of the hog.

Yeah, don't want any half hogs.

No.

-Right.

-Patsy and Edina: Hmm.

-Tony?

-Nose ring.

And who knows what else down below.

-Yes.

No, you don't want that, no.

-No.

Geoff's nice.

Not the muscle sort, he's a dancer.

More of a mover, really, not a dancer.

Yeah.

Well, he trained as a dancer.

Yeah.

But he's always been just a mover.

But at least we know he's straight.

-Oh, do we?

-David: Yes.

What does he look like?

Gorgeous, tan, no lights, bit short of money, be ever-so-willing.

He's very fit, though.

Well, I think I'll have him.

(CHUCKLES) I think we'll both have him, Eddy.

-Alright.

-Right, who else have you got?

-Well, you'll need a contrast.

-Edina: Mm-hmm.

-I need another vodka, please.

-Hey, what about "Fat Adam"?

All: No.

(MUMBLING) I've got it on.

Come and see what you think.

Come and see what you think.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

I mean, give them some chance, Eddy.

It's a bit... Well... What?

What, too tarty?

Well, I mean, it could be, but not on you, no.

Why?

Is it just too blatant, is it?

I mean, I don't wanna seem like a pushover, you know.

Darling, you're paying him.

I mean, in his eyes, you're already flat on your back and staked out.

You know what I mean?

The thing is, it's...

It's just a bit small.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, I...

I did get it when I thought I was gonna be thinner, you know, I just...

So, darling, did you get me those things?

Yes.

I got condoms and femidoms.

Edina: Right.

-Did you open these?

-No.

They don't put fingers on these gloves any more.

The fingers are in that other little packet.

Get out.

Get out.

They let the wa...

They let the water in, anyway.

Now, just relax, Eddy.

Relax, darling.

She's been watching me.

She's been watching me, darling.

-Babe, relax, relax.

-Alright.

Relax, relax.

We could still use those probably, can't we?

Just change your frock.

Put on something a little... -I've got another thing up... -Yeah.

A little more... No, darling, I'll bring the scissors.

-Edina: Ooh.

-Scissors, yes, scissors.

-Patsy: I'll bring the scissors.

-Edina: Ooh.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (DOORBELL DINGS) (DOOR OPENS) -So, Eddy.

-Edina: Yeah.

Your little delivery of delicious goods has arrived.

Hello.

Come in.

Have a drink.

Goodness.

Don't you look... the part.

Now, this is Geoff.

He's our dancer.

-Edina: Hi.

-And this is Hilton, drama student, top of the line, cream of the crop.

Fantastic.

Hi, Hilton.

I really like a girl with, you know, large breasts.

-Whoa.

-You've scored there, Eddy.

Thank you.

Won't you have a drink?

For God's sake, will you play just a bit butcher, please?

This is my reputation on the line.

Have you got your stiffness spray?

Stallion, yes.

Well, will you please use it then?

So, boys, come over here and have a drink.

Here you are.

-Right.

-Sit.

-I'll leave you to it.

-Alright.

Is it alright if we kill a couple of minutes downstairs 'cause Dave...

Wait.

I'm sorry, it's the only wig I've got since the dog ate Liza Minnelli.

Edina: Oh.

He's got an audition in half an hour.

He doesn't wanna get there early.

-He's just a bit nervous.

-I'm embarrassed.

You can go downstairs and wait downstairs.

Okay, we'll sneak out.

-You won't even know we're here.

-Alright.

Out.

Out.

Out.

So, Hilton, that's a pretty name... -Oh, thanks.

-Sit down.

...for a pretty face.

Thanks.

Have you done this before?

First time.

Ah, well, then you're very lucky.

You're in very experienced hands.

Hey, has anyone ever told you, you look a bit like Sean Connery?

No.

Hmm.

Hey, Hilt, if I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Shall we dance?

I'll lead.

No, no, no.

A little less... (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) Go on, Eddy.

Go on, Eddy.

Go on, go on.

(SIGHS) So what's a guy like you doing in a place like this?

-Getting paid.

-Yes.

-Nice boots.

-God, don't touch them, they're Chanel.

Eddy, Eddy.

Sorry, Hilt, why don't you just relax?

Eddy.

Eddy.

Eddy.

Eddy.

What?

What?

What?

What?

Darling, come over here, I've got a little something that you can sniff, you know, just to break the ice, get the ball rolling, okay?

Sniff.

(SIGHS) This bit's always the hardest.

Look, don't worry.

It'll wear off.

It's the last time I do that for you.

I can't get to those poppers with these nails on.

And maybe you'd rather I didn't wear the corset?

Oh, God forbid.

Bet Lynch with a paunch.

(GASPS) Would someone just give me a hand down?

-You're alright, dear.

Come down.

-Oh, thank you, Patsy dear.

Whew.

(GROANING) Patsy: You're supposed to just waft it -under your nose, Eddy.

-I know, I know, I know.

Patsy: Just keep stuffing those tissues.

Alright, it's stopping now, it's stopping now.

God.

Don't go off the boil, Eddy.

It's just not working for me, darling.

Patsy: But you've nearly finished the bottle.

Hey, Hilt.

Hilt.

I hope you're not too attached to that shirt, 'cause I may have to rip it off your chest in a moment.

-See, how do you do that?

-Patsy: What?

That speak you do.

How do you do that?

Oh, they just love it.

I think...

It just feels a little bit sordid, you know.

I mean, I just don't feel very turned on by it.

I don't even wanna touch him.

I don't even want them sitting on my furniture.

-Patsy: Eddy, you said-- -I know what I said, darling.

What seemed like a good idea under the influence of Razzle is one thing, but in reality, I'm sorry.

Just sitting there with their feet on my carpet.

Drinking my drink, with the skin and the hands... Ah, actually, it's kicking in a bit now.

-It's kicking in a bit now.

-Yeah.

-Eddy, all you need is a little mental amputation.

-Yeah, yeah.

Now, darling, listen, you know that video I've got?

Oh, yeah.

Let's put that on and Razzle it up a bit.

-Yeah.

-(SHUDDERS) Now, give me... Get the blood rags out of your nose, darling.

And just throw your flesh on to that man's.

-(EXHALES ENERGETICALLY) -Alright?

Okay, boys, we're in for a little bit of fun here.

Man (ON TV): Here is a bacterial stem.

It contains several double-banded molecules of DNA... (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) -Pats?

-Eddy?

Darling, am I missing some kinky significance here?

Patsy: Eddy, what is this?

This isn't it.

What is this?

-(SLURRING) Applied genetics?

-What?

-Applied genetics.

-What's he trying to say?

Huh?

-What?

-Applied genetics.

Biogenetics?

Are those the biogenetics?

-Hilton: Hmm.

-That's applied gen...

Applied gen... Geneti-ethics.

-Darling, they must have... -Oh, my God!

-Eddy, come with me.

-No, no, don't make me take that over to her.

(EDINA AND PATSY CLAMORING) ♪ I couldn't think of anyone... ♪ You see, I wouldn't do a purple for you.

I'd give you a very nice conker rinse.

♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified... ♪ (CLAMORING CONTINUES) I mean, how bad can it be, for God's sake?

Bad, Eddy!

Now, where is that bitch daughter of yours?

I know, at that university.

-Well, where is the university?

-I don't know!

She doesn't tell me!

I know, dear.

Then you've gotta come with us.

Who's got a car?

Who's got a car?

I've got a car.

I've got a car.

I've got one.

(ALL CLAMORING) -Has she been watching me?

-Patsy: Just hurry up!

(GASPS) -Come on.

Come on.

-You were watching me, darling?

Have you been watching me, you old woman?

Old woman!

Hurry.

Now, you mind that wig.

Why don't you just stay in the car?

I'm not staying here on me own.

Edina: What's the plan, darling, Pats?

The plan is, get the tape, change the tape, go home.

And continue the orgy.

-Patsy: Continue the orgy.

-Yes.

It's through there, dear.

Edina: Come on.

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE) Look, everyone, split up!

(CHRISTOPHER YELLS INDISTINCTLY) Split up!

-(ALL CLAMORING) -(SHUSHING) For God's sake, Pats.

I mean, what does it matter if she sees a blue movie?

I mean, it's about time she did, really.

Eddy, trust me.

Just run!

Run.

Run.

You might just get some of that flab off you.

-But what are we looking for?

-Oh, I don't know.

We're just caught up in the drama.

Run.

This is just like The Crystal Maze.

-Oh, what do we do now, darling?

-I don't know, Eddy.

Would this be any help, dear?

CHRISTOPHER: (GASPS) A clue.

(EDINA READING HASTILY) Come along, Patsy dear, we'd better join them.

I hope you enjoy it and find it informative, and I think it will give us plenty to talk about afterwards.

Yes, I'm sure it will.

Patsy (ON SCREEN): It's okay, it's on.

Patsy: Damn.

Patsy (ON SCREEN): No, hold it, 'cause that's quite good.

Yeah, go on.

Really go for it, kids.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) That's fantastic.

It's Jeanie, isn't it?

Whatever happened to her?

You're just about to find out.

(PATSY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON SCREEN) -I'm terribly sorry.

-Leave it on.

(STUDENTS URGING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON SCREEN) Patsy (ON SCREEN): Oh, that's great.

That's delicious.

Trust you, you've missed the best bit.

Patsy (ON SCREEN): Ah, that's fantastic.

I'm really getting some action here.

Give us some action.

Come on, darling.

Action, action.

(PATSY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON SCREEN) (CLOSING THEME PLAYING) How did I ever think those curtains would go with that carpet?

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)