VOICEOVER (VO): Some of the nation's favorite celebrities... That's the pig for you.

This is the pig for me.

VO: ..one antiques expert each...

Celebrities!

You will sell zis very cheap.

VO: ..and one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

I'm prepared to hand over the money!

VO: ..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

Who will spot the good investments?

Who will listen to advice?

Do you like that?

And I tell you what, it goes with your eyes.

Does it, yeah?!

VO: And who will be the first to say "Don't you know who I am?!"

Cuckoo!

VO: Time to put your pedal to the metal - this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

Yeah!

Welcome to glorious Essex - a far cry from Peckham.

This couple know a thing or two about dodgy dealing - it's Sue Holderness and John Challis.

That's right - Marlene and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses', innit?!

Look, they don't make 'em like that anymore.

JOHN: No, they don't.

My goodness me.

VO: And for the classiest couple on TV, this eye-catching and very elegant 1960s E-type Jag.

They'll be right at home in there.

Go on, you can do it, you can do it.

SUE: You know you'll never get out again!

JOHN: I'm exhausted already!

VO: Time to hit the road.

John and Sue have two days and £400 apiece to make as much profit as possible.

SUE: No, that's backwards!

VO: Steady on!

SUE: Wayhey!

Whoopee!

Whee!

JOHN: How about that, eh?

Now where am I going?

SUE: Burning up here, love.

VO: John Challis has been a familiar face on our television screens since the early '60s.

He's now probably best known as dodgy second-hand car dealer Boycie from Only Fools and Horses.

Will his character's love of one-upmanship put him on the winning team this trip?

JOHN: I suppose, cuz you're a girl, you'll be looking at little bits of porcelain and jewelry, trinkets and things.

SUE: I might look at a bit of jewelry, so?

I might, yes.

I might look at the... JOHN: But d'you know, I need something big and chunky and masculine, really, I think.

(GEARS CRUNCH) JOHN: Oh, my God!

VO: John's road trip rival, Sue Holderness, might be game for a challenge, as she has played Boycie's flirtatious wife Marlene for well over a decade in Fools and Horses and their own spin off series, Green Green Grass.

She's equally at home in serious drama as she is in comedy, but can she outsmart her TV husband by making the most profit on this trip?

JOHN: Have you maybe been out buying antiques yet?

SUE: No, no.

I'm...I'm...

You're much more up on the buying of antiques than... JOHN: Yeah, I've dabbled... ..dabbled about a bit on the... ..on the fringes of it once in my life.

It was quite interesting.

SUE: Oh, of course - you did it properly, didn't you?

VO: Obviously not properly enough, Sue, as he's now a successful actor.

But don't worry, we'll provide the antiques expertise.

VO: Right on cue, here they are in a rather fitting 1968 Cortina Crayford convertible, it's Philip Serrell and Charles Hanson, our very own Del Boy and Rodney.

PHILIP: You've dressed up, then, Charlie?

CHARLES: Well, Phil, we are meeting some very important people.

I'm so excited.

PHILIP: Are you?

CHARLES: Yeah, very.

PHILIP: D'you know, I was...I am and was and have been a massive Fools and Horses fan.

CHARLES: And we're meeting Marlene and Boycie?

PHILIP: Yes.

Fantastic, Phil.

VO: No, Charles, you're meeting Sue and John.

They're actors.

Come on, Charles - keep up!

VO: Charles is a fully fledged auctioneer, with just over 10 years in the business.

He has an infectious passion for collecting and a wide ranging expertise that belies his boyish enthusiasm.

Sometimes confused, and often confusing, his eye for the quirky is second to none.

CHARLES: You could be Uncle Albert... PHILIP: I'm gonna punch you.

CHARLES: ..and I could be Rodney.

CHARLES: Can I call you Uncle Albert today?

You are Rodney!

You're Grandad!

That's good.

I'm sorry, I'm only joking!

VO: Charles's opponent, on the other hand, is a match for Boycie any day.

With well over 20 years' experience of the antiques trade, he doesn't mess about when going in for the kill!

VO: He's mean, he's moody and certainly not averse to the quirky negotiation style.

CHARLES: What was the name of the block of flats?

PHILIP: Don't know.

CHARLES: I've got a complete... PHILIP: What was it called?

Nelson Mandela House.

CHARLES: Oh, really?

PHILIP: Charlie, have you seen this?

CHARLES: Oh, I love it, Phil - it's one of my...it's one of my favorite films.

VO: Films?!

Now I'm confused!

VO: Our celebrities and experts will kick off their road trip in Battlesbridge, meander north, into the heart of Essex, before returning south, to an auction showdown in Dartford, Kent.

So where better to begin a battle than in Battlesbridge?

VO: The village sits on the banks of the tidal river Crouch and is named after the Bataille family, who maintained the all-important river crossing from early times.

It's now better known as a center for antiques and collectibles, so the perfect place for our teams to meet.

(SUE LAUGHS) JOHN: Wahey!

This must be the place!

SUE: Mm.

This looks quite exciting, doesn't it?

You look very dashing.

Now all we gotta do is get out.

Easy for me!

Not quite so easy for you, with your long legs.

JOHN: No, that's right.

SUE: Good luck.

SUE: Well, hello!

How are you?

Alright?

My name's Sue.

I'm going to...

If you'll yank me up!

I'm Philip... Look at that!

Nicely done.

PHILIP: Sue, this is Charlie.

SUE: Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Marlene.

Charles Hanson.

Good to see you.

SUE: Nice to see you too.

I'll be with you in a minute.

This is gonna take me some time.

CHARLES: No problem.

SUE: Can somebody go and yank that man out?

CHARLES: No problem.

SUE: His legs, I'm afraid, are just too long.

JOHN: Hello.

PHILIP: Hi.

JOHN: Shall I come round this way?

PHILIP: Yeah.

Good to see you, Boycie.

Charles Hanson.

Charles, how d'you do?

VO: It's John, actually, Charles.

Philip.

How are you?

JOHN: Philip.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

SUE: So you managed to get out, then?

JOHN: Just about.

Oh... VO: So that's the introductions over.

But who's going to pair off with whom?

PHILIP: And this... CHARLES: This is a 1970s suit.

I think me might've bought this off a market in Peckham, actually!

SUE: Trigger would wear that.

CHARLES: Exactly.

I thought you were gonna say that was his best one.

No, it's his only one!

SUE: No, no, I think... CHARLES: Do you like it?

I like it very much.

Thank you very much.

Well...

I'm gonna join you, Charlie.

You come over and join me.

Do you have any choice though?

With regard to..?

You don't have a choice at all?

Not anymore!

VO: So, Sue and Charles will be up against John and Phil.

Let the battle commence!

CHARLES: See you later.

JOHN: See you later.

CHARLES: See you.

All the best.

Bye.

PHILIP: Cheers.

SUE: Great.

So, Charlie... VO: With £400 to spend, Sue and Charles set off at a cracking pace.

SUE: Oh, running!

CHARLES: Hello.

SUE: Oh, we're in a hurry!

CHARLES: Come on, Marlene.

I kid you not, time is the essence.

VO: Her name is Sue, Charles!

SUE: Got to run this way.

(CHARLES LAUGHS) VO: Aware of John's passion for gardening, Phil leads John towards Cadix.

PHILIP: I think this might be beyond our budget.

JOHN: It's quite new, isn't it?

PHILIP: So you...gardening's very much a theme with you, isn't it?

Yeah.

What to put in the garden is...em... Is...em... PHILIP: D'you like that?

JOHN: I do, yes.

Well see, it's...it's brand new but...if you could buy that, for somewhere between... JOHN: Looks good.

..50... Well, we've got to think clever here, right?

JOHN: Yeah, yeah.

Cuz our stuff's going straight into the auction, people aren't going to have the day before to view it.

Right.

It probably won't be on the internet, so we've just gotta...

It's what's someone gonna want there?

So you could argue, you know, this, it.... PHILIP: Somebody's got a garden... it's not a specific thing, d'you know what I mean?

JOHN: Yeah, yes.

PHILIP: And it might just do a job.

But we need to get it for between 50 and 80 quid.

JOHN: No, no, that is... that is good.

That would look good... PHILIP: But no age.

Well, let's bear that in mind.

Yeah.

But he...he said that he's got a shed over here that he puts things in that are just come in.

Great.

So it might be idea...shall we go through?

JOHN: Very nice!

VO: Maybe one for the pot later.

This isn't..?

Oh, my goodness!

VO: Now, how are Sue and Charles getting on?

CHARLES: Hello!

SUE: Oh, dear!

CHARLES: Hello!

SUE: Now... VO: Oh, dear, indeed!

SUE: Can you not see Marlene and Del Boy, together, having a little cocktail by that bar, Charlie?

This, to me, takes...takes you back.

SUE: This is a Del Boy special, and I think that there's somebody out there who would...who could see themselves with a little umbrella in the glass...

Exactly.

..and a little...one of Del's special cocktails.

Exactly, Marlene.

Curaçao, with a bit of vodka and cider.

Yeah... Oh, God, don't!

You're taking me back!

CHARLES: It captures you, it's in good condition, I love the finish.

SUE: It is, I'm afraid, stretching our budget, Charlie.

But it is so kitsch.

VO: Spot on Charles - the home bar has been in and out of fashion since the 1920s and '50s, but enjoyed a resurgence in the 1970s, this one being a typical example of that era.

VO: Ticketed at £245, it's not as cheap as it looks!

CHARLES: Lovely concave form.

It's nice.

I like this.

SUE: I like it.

It runs very smoothly.

Well, it's a gorgeous piece, in many ways, but we are on a very restricted budget.

If, on the day, there's an Only Fools and Horses fan who's potty, then it'll go quite well.

CHARLES: Well, and if you model yourself beside it, you know, with that '80s swagger... SUE: I'd be prepared to drape myself in a bit of leopard print and lean on this bar with you, Charlie.

Do you think that might work?

I'm in heaven, Sue, I'm in heaven!

Hey, Jim?

What do you think, Jim?

Well, we've...we've got £245 on there.

They're not priced...

It's not priced to take loads of money off but a good trade price...175.

Yeah.

I think, Sue, it's a complete...

It's something which is iconic and I think, for you and I... SUE: It might just not sell?!

CHARLES: ..and Boycie today, it's something which we could take with us and remember the good old days.

But... We could.

..it could go for an absolute song, and that's the gamble.

I've been there before and done that.

VO: Indeed Charles - we remember it well.

AUCTIONEER: It's the retro bar at the back.

15.

CHARLES: 15!

Come on!

AUCTIONEER: 20.

CHARLES: 20!

AUCTIONEER: Five!

Five!

25 bid.

Any..?

Got the anchors on it.

CHARLES: Go on!

27.50.

We've got a half on that.

CHARLES: 27.50!

AUCTIONEER: 27.50 bid.

At 27.50.

Aw!

VO: Sadly, on that occasion, Charles's bar sank without a trace.

Could you...could you come down further?

150.

CHARLES: Has it been here a long time, Jim?

There's no dust on it, is there?

It's been well...it's been well polished up.

VO: £150, eh?

That's setting the bar quite high for your first buy.

What could we do to really add value to it?

We could almost, I don't know, serve a cocktail on it.

Maybe we'd have to now look for cocktail shakers... CHARLES: Exactly.

..that we can add to the package... CHARLES: That's... D'you know what?

You're clever.

SUE: And get a couple of...of those paper umbrellas, which you're probably not going to find in an antique emporium, but you never know.

CHARLES: It's a gorgeous joke but I think... SUE: But it might be an expensive joke!

But you know what?

We might be playing catch up, and cometh the man, cometh the hour, can I play catch up and cover this for you?

Course I can.

Can you?

So I think... One way or another...that Jim's going to say he'd take 140?

Jim!

Might you take 140 for it, Jim?

Jim!

SUE: Might you?

I'll take the tenner off for luck.

SUE: Oh, he's taking the tenner off for luck!

I thank you, Jim.

The deal is done.

Jim, d'you know what, that is a deal.

I might regret it, Jim, but d'you know what?

It's a wonderful item.

And...purely for its appearance, it's got the edge!

And I'm prepared to hand over the money!

VO: Egyptian, maybe, but you'll need to be Tutankhamun to sell it!

So, having parted with an astronomical £140, Charles and Sue hit the road, and Sue's already created a cocktail.

SUE: I think the added je ne sais quoi in Marlene's Pinky Winky... CHARLES: Oh, don't!

I mean, the cocktail is going...

This is going to be a cocktail that could take off!

CHARLES: That will be an explosion of taste.

It will.

And hopefully an explosion of hands everywhere.

SUE: Oh, I think... Oh!

CHARLES: Bidding.

SUE: People are going to be as excited by the cocktail, Marlene's very own recipe, as they are by that magnificent Egyptian bar.

VO: Getting the bidders drunk is one way of shifting the bar, I suppose.

But now, Sue and Charles are on their way to their first shop, just up the road in Rettendon Common.

VO: Rettendon is a small village in the borough of Chelmsford and was once owned by the Bishop of Ely and it's home to FB Antiques, Sue and Charles' next stop.

This is not possible!

Marlene, are you OK?

VO: It's Sue, Charles!

Oh, Lordy!

Well done, partner.

Dear little Cortina.

It is.

Take the keys.

OK.

Thank you.

I'll look after that.

Let's now unravel those finds.

Yes.

I feel like I need to drive soon.

VO: Meanwhile, back in Battlesbridge, John is exercising his powers of persuasion.

You will sell zis very cheap to us, eh?

(PHILIP SINGS A FANFARE) What do you reckon to that?

I was just thinking - London auction?

What was it used for?

JIM: Water softener.

JOHN: Water softener?

PHILIP: Yeah.

Yeah.

JOHN: Right.

So it actually does work?

Still...still has a practical use?

JIM: I've not tried it.

PHILIP: It's like a filtering system, isn't it?

JOHN: So, you fill it up with the water, and then it all comes the bottom all purified?

I think it sort of filters through there, does it?

JIM: Yeah.

JOHN: Sort of thing that could go indoors or in the garden?

In the kitchen wouldn't it?

Yeah, or a kitchen.

PHILIP: Yeah, dress a kitchen.

JOHN: But it could also go in the garden, as you say, you know, with plants in it or something like that.

I think it is quite a practical thing.

PHILIP: Which do you prefer out of the two?

JOHN: What, out of the one full of water or this one?

PHILIP: Yeah.

Ooh, I don't know, if we get the right price of course?

We could get both.

VO: Quick learner, John.

Yeah, you could do yes, £60 JOHN: For the two?

JIM: No.

£60 for the two, that's not bad, that's a very good deal.

PHILIP: Could you do a 100 quid the two?

Umm.

Which is putting them in at 40 and 60.

JIM: No, no, say 50 and 60.

110.

PHILIP: 110, what do you think?

Let's have a wander round and... That's interesting, very interesting, yeah, yeah.

No I do like that, it's good, it's good.

VO: No hurry - we've got all day.

VO: And the laid back approach may just take Jim off guard.

What would be the absolute finish on those two?

Could you do the two for a hundred quid if we put the one urn in at 50 and the other one in at 50?

That's really giving the urn away, I think isn't it?

PHILIP: It's up to you, I mean, you know, I know you've got to make a profit for it.

Not what I paid for it.

But yeah I'll do that.

PHILIP: You would do it?

We'll put them in the back of the E-type.

Ok, well that's a £100 spent isn't it?

I'll shake you by the hand now.

You've been very kind to us.

Thank you ever so much.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

VO: Well done boys.

Two lots sorted - a Victorian stoneware water filter and a large garden urn for £100.

Now, where's the Jag?

JIM: Hey fellas you haven't paid?

PHILIP: What?

JOHN: Haven't you paid him?

PHILIP: I'm sorry, sir.

VO: Now, that would have been a bargain!

I thought you had the money?

I haven't got a bean on me.

Hang on, hang on.

PHILIP: John do you want to be the middle man?

Yes, I'll just check it for you Jim, anybody looking?

I hope not.

This reminds me of my days on the forecourt.

Oh yes, how well I remember.

100, cheers.

100.

There we are, Jim that looks as though it is for you.

Thank you very much indeed.

Lovely, thank you very much.

10 - not that I don't trust you - 10, 20...

He's only counting...

It looks as if he doesn't trust us.

VO: After what's just happened, wise man!

JIM: Thank you very much.

PHILIP: See you soon.

JIM: Thank you very much.

JOHN: Cheers Jim, good luck.

PHILIP: Bye bye.

JOHN: Bye bye.

JIM: Cheers.

VO: Time for a swift exit, eh?

JOHN: Wahey!

PHILIP: We're off aren't we?

JOHN: I got that far.

VO: ...or maybe not!

That's reverse Phil.

PHILIP: There's a clutch in there somewhere isn't there?

VO: Now, how are Sue and Charles getting on in Rettendon Common?

There's a lot to look at.

Don't tell me Sue, it's 150.

Sadly 750, otherwise we'd have had that.

That's quite nice isn't it?

VO: And more your budget Charles.

It's very sweet.

CHARLES: That's quite good.

That's Elkington silver.

So, that teaspoon does belong in the box, silver.

VO: Elkington were Birmingham manufacturers who patented the first commercial electroplating process in 1840.

It's a delightful set, but isn't there something missing?

It hasn't got its little napkin ring.

Could one find a napkin ring to put in there?

Fred, have you any napkin rings floating around in your emporium?

Unfortunately I don't.

It's quite nice, we're not going to make a killing on this, are we?

FRED: Just wait one second there just might... SUE: Oh, Fred's had an idea... VO: Aw!

Nothing like a good rummage through your own drawers.

SUE: Look what he's found.

Does it fit?

I doubt it.

It's going to be too fat!

CHARLES: Awwww... oh what a man.

That is a Victorian silver napkin ring.

You then have a fairly modern Elkington, who were the leading silver and plate manufacturers and retailers, with a very nice silver egg cup and a spoon and although it is a matched set now - because before that wasn't there - that's a good lot.

CHARLES: Look at it Marlene.

I'm falling in...

I'm falling in love.

You're falling in love, aren't you?

I'm falling in love.

Look at the man there.

I'm falling in love with Fred.

Look into his eyes...

I'm falling in love with his napkin ring.

CHARLES: Fred, she's falling in love.

We're falling in love.

What can you do this for, Fred?

For you, it's a gift at £10.

Can I hug this man?

I'm going to give permission to Marlene to give you a hug and say that's a sale.

VO: It's Sue, Charles.

I give up!

Thank you very much.

No, you're welcome.

It's been the best part of our day so far.

How lovely.

VO: So, Sue's day is made for the bargain price of £10.

After all that it seems rude, but I'm going to have to ask for change.

FRED: Yes, certainly thank you.

I'll fetch your change.

CHARLES: Thanks Fred!

VO: Phil and John are taking a break from buying antiques and heading off for a visit.

Normally they would go to a beautiful stately home, or look at a quirky collection, but today they are going somewhere completely different.

VO: They are heading for Kelvedon Hatch - a place that will take us back to the days of the Cold War.

VO: John and Philip are about to enter a nuclear bunker.

JOHN: Very exciting.

VO: Built in 1952, when relations between East and West were at their lowest.

Joseph Stalin was still in power in the Soviet Union and Churchill was back in government in Great Britain.

VO: John and Phil have come to meet Mike Parrish, grandson of the original owner, from whom the M.O.D.

requisitioned the land.

VO: Mike bought it back, complete with a nuclear bunker frozen in time since its decommission in 1992 - but it's far from what you might expect.

This is a little bit like an iceberg, isn't it?

What you see on the top is fraction of what's underneath.

It is indeed.

Really?

This is the guard house, which was built in 1952 by the Air Ministry, designed to look like a typical farm cottage as a bit of a disguise and it houses the entrance to the bunker, which is buried 100 foot underground behind it.

Oh bicycles, is for cycling up and down the corridor, is it?

No, once the bomb had gone off, if you've got trees over the roads, rubble, cars won't be there because the petrol will have all exploded and the electronics won't work because of the electromagnetic pulse; and so if you want to go anywhere you've either got to walk or use the bicycle.

JOHN: Ah right, right.

VO: The tunnel from the guard house runs 120 yards down to the lowest level of the bunker, where blast doors would be sealed to protect those inside.

And these are the famous blast doors?

Yes, the weigh a ton and a half like a modern car.

Once they're shut the 600 odd people could be in here for three months or until their food ran out or the radiation levels dropped.

VO: You might imagine that a bunker is a dark, dank concrete hole in the ground, but no.

Far from it, this underground complex utilized the cutting edge technology of its time.

(PRINTERS RATTLING) JOHN: It's fantastic walking through here, isn't it?

It's so evocative and I think it's because of the sounds and it's almost as if it's up and running and the people have just left, you know.

I think it is extraordinary.

MIKE: Printers were a very important part of our communication net.

JOHN: Yeah.

MIKE: Cables were buried 34 foot underground and they used a thing called the "chicken wire system" A plan like that so if you wanted to talk from Corsham up to Preston well you would do so via Coventry but if a bomb had gone off on Coventry, then you could just go around it.

VO: After the fall of the Berlin Wall, east-west relations improved.

This bunker, and numerous others like it, was costing millions of pounds a year to maintain, so it was eventually decommissioned.

VO: But now it's preserved as a museum - a bleak reminder of what could have been.

PHILIP: How many of these chairs have you got?

MIKE: Quite a few.

We'll give you 20 quid for four.

MIKE: 20 for four?

PHILIP: Yeah.

PHILIP: I've got 20 quid.

MIKE: That's like a fiver each.

PHILIP: I'll tell you what your math is better than mine.

JOHN: We've got cash on the hip.

PHILIP: We've got cash on... JOHN: My friend...

There it is bang in your hand.

MIKE: That's a deal.

You're a gentleman and a scholar.

Good man.

There's your 20 quid.

PHILIP: Right we've got to try and find four of these now.

Well done, sir!

We'll have that one... VO: So heading back to the surface with Phil's nuclear souvenirs - the chairs - it's time for all our experts and celebs to take a well earned rest.

VO: Night night.

VO: Day two of the road trip and the sun is shining.

Our celebrities are rested, ready, and on the road to rejoin the experts.

JOHN: I think you should basically be very depressed because I think our stuff is...

I think it's just going to fly off.

SUE: I have a feeling that the phone lines are going to be hot.

VO: Picturing that bar, lukewarm actually comes to mind - now, how's the temperature in the Cortina?

CHARLES: How many of the... (IMITATES BOYCIE) How many of the laughs did you get?

PHILIP: He's John Challis, Charlie!

CHARLES: No, but he's Boycie.

They're acting, that's not what they're really like.

That's not their real names.

VO: I keep telling him that!

CHARLES: No, but is he like Boycie though?

PHILIP: Oh, honestly!

VO: John and Philip had a good first day, spending £120 on a Victorian water filter, a large garden urn and a set of stacking chairs, leaving them with a useful £280 to spend today.

VO: Sue and Charles spent a little more at £150, which secured them a kitsch Del Boy Trotter-style cocktail bar and a slightly more up market cased silver egg cup set - giving them £250 to shop with today.

This is a big capital K for kitsch.

Come on Hanson think antique, but actually that is wacky and quite fun.

Thing is who's going to buy this?

Exactly.

We've got to sell it.

Exactly.

VO: Rein him in Sue - now, this road trip is on the move again and our teams find themselves in Great Baddow.

VO: The name Baddow comes from an Old English word meaning 'bad water', which I do hope is not an omen for our road trippers today.

SUE: Yes, here they are.

Morning boys.

PHILIP: Good morning.

How are you?

SUE: Good, how was your journey?

CHARLES: Very good, thank you.

JOHN: Have you got a gear box in your car?

CHARLES: Yes we have, how's yours?

VO: Cortina eh?

All mod cons - is a car swap on the cards?

PHILIP: Charlie, you'd love to drive this wouldn't you?

SUE: I think you should take this on as a challenge.

CHARLES: I would love to.

PHILIP: Right, we're swapped.

Done, deal.

CHARLES: John, are you sure.

John?

JOHN: Yes.

CHARLES: Are you sure?

VO: John might be sure, but I'm not - I've seen his driving!

Are you ready?

JOHN: Yep.

JOHN: Argghh!

VO: Careful, Charles.

JOHN: Bye!

CHARLES: Absolutely.

Bye.

SUE: Bye bye.

CHARLES: Good to see you again.

VO: While Sue and Charles head into the Baddow Antiques Centre... Now we've got to look for something quirky and fun.

Exactly, exactly.

To go with what we've already got.

VO: John and Phil are nipping up the road to try their hand in A Little Bazaar.

PHILIP: This shop isn't built for me, John.

No, but it's truly bizarre.

I'm going to breathe in.

Yeah OK. VO: Sue...what are you thinking?

CHARLES: We are rolling back those years.

You can see Del Boy drinking his cocktail out of that, can't you?

SUE: Would have to be an awfully big umbrella.

SUE: Is this going to ruin your reputation forever Charlie just mingling with me and being persuaded to buy?

CHARLES: Marlene, look at me no.

I assure you, Marlene, it won't because actually when you go to such almost a sickly kitsch, it's what the market thrives on, because it is such a heartbeat from a certain period.

SUE: I'm in love with it, but it might be too expensive.

It's in good condition, it is not overpriced.

I think what we will do is put it down, mental note and will we quickly... SUE: See what we have got left in the kitty?

Exactly.

Don't forget it.

I don't think it is going to fly off the shelf as we wander round, do you?

VO: Neither do I, Sue.

That's possibly a case of see you later alligator.

VO: Now are John and Phil making any progress?

PHILIP: What have you found?

Oh, that is sweet.

PHILIP: And it is practical, it actually works.

Look at that.

PHILIP: Does the other one work as well?

How much is that?

What's it... £4.

No, we can't.

VO: Go on, Phil.

Push the boat out.

JOHN: And Hornby!

Oh, no it's Hornby, course it is.

PHILIP: So it's a Meccano Hornby train set.

Some little lad, 1953, waiting for Father Christmas to come.

Sounds just like me.

I was that boy.

Really?

Yes, I always wanted one...

It's a tragic story.

VO: Excuse me while I reach for the hankies.

Meanwhile have Sue and Charles finally found something?

What have you found?

What about, for the bar, the Uncle Albert decanter?

CHARLES: Yeah, exactly.

VO: Now for those who don't know, Del's Uncle Albert was one of the iconic characters from Only Fools and Horses.

Were you quite close to Uncle Albert?

SUE: Very close.

CHARLES: Were you?

SUE: And do you think that he might have brought it back from his days at sea?

CHARLES: During the war.

During the war.

Exactly during the war.

And Del would've loved it because it would nicely decorate his excellent bar.

CHARLES: Exactly.

SUE: I'm a little bit in love with this, you're not are you?

No, but for a memory of that great man you are quite right.

CHARLES: We could romanticize it couldn't we, really take people back to those great times.

We can let them live those days during the war.

Mental note.

Mental note.

VO: Not sure that the war was that romantic Charles, actually.

But is there any romance in The Little Bazaar?

VO: I'm not sure I class those as antique.

What are you thinking John!

Hey, Phil, where are you?

PHILIP: What?

Look, I've had a great idea.

Look.

They are not for you are they?

JOHN: Fantastic shoes and I found this dress, don't you think it is pure Marlene?

PHILIP: It is isn't it?

JOHN: Look, you see that.

PHILIP: I mean, it is as if they are made for each other.

So I mean, what do you think are the chances?

Can we get her to model it?

You know her better than I, do you think there's a chance?

Do you think it'd sell, that's more...?

No.

I mean, she'd love it I am sure.

PHILIP: Those are fantastic, those, aren't they?

Aren't they fantastic?

VO: They might suit Marlene, but I'm not sure about Sue, who happens to have found a bargain.

Priced at?

It's free.

There's no price.

That could be a freebie, you're quite right.

That's a really attractive chair.

SUE: It is cute, isn't it?

It's period.

Yes, that's happily period so it's 1885 and that's a cute chair.

SUE: Can we find out how much that is because I'm in love with that?

CHARLES: Are you really?

SUE: Yes.

CHARLES: I'll go and find out.

VO: She falls in love quite freely our Sue, doesn't she?

Russ, my lady over here has found a very nice chair.

RUSS: OK. And Russ, it looks as though it's free.

There is no label on it.

RUSS: OK, let's investigate for you.

Have a look.

Shall we go and see if it is absolutely dirt cheap?

This is a chair that Marlene would buy.

SUE: It is also a chair that I would buy.

I think I'm turning into Marlene, it is a great worry!

It's got no price on it.

So can we just walk out with it?

No, unfortunately the dealer is giving it away today.

CHARLES: Really?

SUE: That's awfully sweet of...

Male or female dealer?

Fortunately the dealer is here today.

Oh really?

So I can have a word with Ian.

SUE: So we can actually thank him?

Yes, I'll have a quick chat with him and see what we can do.

SUE: Would you?

Thank you.

RUSS: Yes, no problem at all.

VO: Bad news: Ian says the chair comes with a desk - but the good news...

However, he is prepared to sell it separately and the very best he can do is £60.

If it was 50 I would say, "I don't care what you think, I'm going to buy it anyway" but at 60 I know it is a risk.

That's the very best, 60?

Do you want me to go and try my very best?

See what I can do.

Shall I send Marlene through?

Marlene?

VO: It's Sue!

CHARLES: Marlene, strut your stuff please.

SUE: Ian, you're Ian?

IAN: Yes.

Ian, I love your little chair.

You couldn't do it for 50 could you?

As it's you.

SUE: Ian, I love you.

We're having it.

VO: Oh, she's off again with the free love lark.

Oh, my goodness me!

Give us a kiss.

Shall we have a hug?

Charlie, we are cooking with gas here.

VO: Ooh!

Steady on, Charles!

VO: Now have the boys found anything to celebrate about?

You said in the car, you were a Minton... you like your majolica don't you?

I do, I do yeah.

I've just seen this here, look.

Oh, and that is, that is Minton isn't it?

JOHN: Well, it is an impressed mark just there so this would be what?

1860?

Yeah.

Unfortunately it's got a hairline crack... PHILIP: It's got a hairline crack just there.

JOHN: Yes, yes, yes.

PHILIP: And a little hairline crack there.

And this would be for what?

Putting oysters in or hors d'oeuvres?

DEALER: An hors d'oeuvres dish yes.

PHILIP: And the real exponent of majolica was George Jones and sometimes you will see a little G and a J monogrammed onto the bottom or some patch marks that means it's by George Jones.

So the thing is... JOHN: I do like it, well I do like majolica as I said to you.

VO: A Little Bazaar has certainly lived up to its name as John and Phil have found an odd mix of toys, ladies' shoes and majolica - have they lost their way?

For such a small shop how do you get lost in here?

Oh, I don't know.

Erm, we need to make a decision don't we?

So it was £20 for those three wasn't it?

That's it, yep.

So I tell you what I think.

I think if we buy these we can put that with something else, we can put that with something else, right, and I am so confident, so confident that we're going to be the victors that we can always give those to Sue, can't we?

JOHN: As at present, as a compensatory present for losing.

PHILIP: For coming second.

Yeah, yeah, she'd love that.

She would.

So, 20 quid, yes?

Yes.

Great, terrific.

Yeah, you happy with that?

There we are.

That's great.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much.

Straight off the printing press.

Now, do you reckon they will do a job?

What sort of a job?

I wouldn't wear them myself.

VO: Phil and Jon are ready for the road after a couple of adjustments to the Cortina.

JOHN: Come along, driver.

Hurry up.

VO: John and Phil say goodbye to Great Baddow and head for their next shop in Halstead.

JOHN: But it'd...It'd be quite nice and quite exciting wouldn't it to find the one thing that even though we're not sure about it we feel like taking a chance on it.

PHILIP: Yes, that would be lovely.

VO: Yes, dream on boys.

Meanwhile, back in Great Baddow, Sue and Charles continue shopping, and funnily enough that goblet and decanter set have not been snapped up.

What about this?

CHARLES: It... Goodness me.

SUE: Imagine that on the bar with... Uncle Albert's decanter.

CHARLES: Yes, that's a nice twosome, I like it.

Have you noticed what it was standing on?

CHARLES: You are becoming a very risque shopper.

SUE: Well, I have got the shopping bug now darling.

Yes, I know.

And I do like the tray as well.

SUE: Look, it's beautiful, little...little silver tray, tell me about that.

Probably 1930s, 1950s.

It is called an art deco tray.

CHARLES: It has this wonderful almost...

I don't know what it is actually, almost a sort of lacquered veneer which really gives off that slinky feel.

I think that the people here are going to be very kind to us.

Before we ask them, can I get my alligator glass?

I can't leave without my alligator glass.

Go and get that now and let's do a deal.

VO: Ah...if you must, Sue.

Don't care if it does ruin his reputation.

VO: Nor does he, I suspect.

CHARLES: I love your run by the way.

It's the high heels.

I love it, I love it.

It's kind of like my run as well.

It's great.

So, basically what we're thinking is, you're thinking decanter, you're thinking yes the cocktail shaker, the tray and also...

Almost better than anything else I'm thinking Mr Alligator.

On the Del Boy bar.

CHARLES: Exactly.

CHARLES: Now, we've got four items here we need to negotiate on.

Because otherwise we're not going to have one of these lots because we haven't got enough money.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So... SUE: This is when we need to talk to the wonderful...

This is where it gets interesting.

OK, Russell, so the decanter, my Uncle Albert decanter is marked at 38, what do you think you could do for us?

I think as it's you, Marlene, the very best we can do on that is going to be £10 on the decanter and I think that's a very fair deal.

CHARLES: That's unbelievable.

RUSS: A gift.

SUE: That is a gift.

RUSS: It's the gift.

This is Ernie, he's the owner of the cocktail shaker and the tray.

So it's marked, the two of them are marked at 110 and Russell has already, we've beaten him down to 75.

Can you do any better?

Because we've got to beat Boycie I'll do it for £50.

Oh!

SUE: I love him, can I kiss another man?

CHARLES: What a man.

ERNIE: Absolutely.

Thank you.

What a man!

No problem, good luck.

SUE: I'm falling in love all over again.

Goodness me.

Thank you.

You're a good man.

£50 SUE: Thank you so much.

Thank you.

There's also one more thing isn't there?

There is one more thing.

It's... And, this I think is actually going to ruin Charles Hanson's reputation for ever... Get out of here!

But I very much want to buy for my Del Boy cocktail bar, this beautiful alligator glass.

I'm building it up too high because then it'll be overpriced.

I don't know if we can afford it.

ERNIE: OK, going on the prices of the cocktail shaker and the tray, I think it's only fair we do the glass for £5.

CHARLES: Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm a woman in heaven.

Thank you very much.

Consider the whole thing done, we're buying the lot.

Boycie eat your heart out.

VO: Don't speak too soon Sue, because in Halstead, John and Phil have found some old legal documents that look to be of interest.

PHILIP: Well, how much do you think that's worth?

JOHN: What, what, individually?

PHILIP: Yes.

I don't know, well at least a fiver.

isn't it?

PHILIP: Would you pay a pound for it because it's priced...?

JOHN: Oh yes, I would.

PHILIP: Well it's priced at a pound and I was just thinking if you bought...perhaps... JOHN: I love them, I...

I think they're right up my little, my personal alley here.

PHILIP: There's a load more in there which are a little bit more valuable.

You know, I mean, I think... JOHN: You could make a whole wall of them couldn't you?

Yeah.

Fantastic wallpaper isn't it?

So what are they saying, these... PHILIP: Well this is an indenture isn't it?

VO: In medieval times a contract was written in duplicate on the same sheet, with the copies separated by cutting along a jagged or toothed line, hence indenture, so that the teeth of the two parts could later be refitted to confirm authenticity.

"Between these agreements right honorable Robert, Earl Grosvenor, JOHN: Viscount Belgrave and Baron Grosvenor of Eaton in the county Palatine of Chester..." So, that's... That's an indenture that's between the Duke of Westminster's estate or a relative of his... JOHN: Tripartite indenture, so it's between three people.

PHILIP: We'll bid you 50 quid for the lot now.

DEALER: Toss you for it.

JOHN: What?

50... DEALER: Heads 70, tails 50.

PHILIP: We've got no idea... That's a bit of fun isn't it?

JOHN: Yeah, yeah.

PHILIP: You up for that?

Yeah, have you got the double headed coin with you?

PHILIP: Yes, I have.

I'll just go and check on that.

JOHN: Use yours, yes.

PHILIP: I missed that.

Right, are you ready for this?

PHILIP: Now, if we win we get them for 50 quid?

Heads 70, tails 50.

So you are calling heads?

Yes.

Grudgingly, very grudgingly I've got to give you 70 quid now.

VO: That makes each individual document worth a £1 with 70 in the collection.

Thank you ever so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Cheers mate.

Terrific.

VO: John has taken a liking to a couple of glass tankards printed with the signatures of the 1960s Surrey and England cricket teams.

Having shown the way, Phil has left John to make the deal.

DEALER: I mean, absolute rock bottom, I'd really like £15 for them.

JOHN: That's your rock bottom?

Well, I'm afraid my rock bottom's actually a bit lower than yours.

VO: Great start, John!

Might be worth, what?

What?

Five quid each.

I think I might need to squeeze a bit more out of you than five quid each.

JOHN: Five?

DEALER: Yeah, these... JOHN: Alright six quid each then.

What about that?

Shall we toss for it?

VO: Remember what happened last time John?

15 or 10?

Ah... heads...15 and 10 tails.

So are we saying?

JOHN: I'm saying tails.

It's tails!

I've actually won something... DEALER: That's 15!

JOHN: No.

He's changing around again.

DEALER: £10.

JOHN: £10, terrific.

Thank you very much.

VO: Well Philip, that's the way it's done then.

Well, I think that was good.

Are you happy with all that?

I'm really happy with that lot.

I'm really really happy because whether they make any money lord knows but I just think we bought some really interesting things.

Yeah.

Well I'm very happy so if you're happy I'm even happier.

Good stuff.

VO: Sue and Charles are leaving Great Baddow and heading to Tiptree to find out more about a great British tradition - jam making!

VO: Tiptree is home to a jam making factory that has been around for over 125 years; and over the decades the family who run it have collected all manner of memorabilia relating to the process of making it.

How jammy is that?

VO: Sue and Charles have come to meet Walter Scott, who runs the factory.

Thank you very much.

Charles Hanson.

SUE: So how far back does all this equipment go?

It was started by the Wilkins family who first came to farm here in 1770.

WALTER: But in 1885 they first made jam, we think it's at the time Gladstone was prime minister and was telling people if they wanted to make money go and make some jam, so we did.

VO: Over half a century ago, the late John Wilkin began collecting the paraphernalia necessary to make jam commercially.

Jam seems to be such a British phenomenon, synonymous with high teas and crumpets; but in fact it is believed that the returning Crusaders first introduced jam into Europe from the Middle East where it had been made for centuries.

WALTER: This is the first mechanical jam jar filler.

WALTER: We revolutionized the business from going from hand pouring into pots to putting the pots on here and going round in a circle and being filled mechanically.

So what stage of the game are we talking about?

What sort of year would this have come into your factory?

WALTER: This would be the 1930s.

VO: From filling 20 jars per minute in the 1930s the most up-to-date equipment now fills and packs the same quantity in less than 10 seconds.

VO: A recent UK survey found strawberry jam to be the most popular flavor, closely followed by raspberry and apricot.

VO: However, some people prefer marmalade to jam on their toast of a morning.

VO: This most British of preserves is thought to have been created in the mid 16th century by Mary, Queen of Scots' physician, who mixed orange with sugar as a preventative for sea-sickness.

WALTER: So here this is one of the original boiling pans made of copper as you can see and we're still cooking on copper today.

CHARLES: Why copper?

WALTER: Copper we get a better flavor of jam and marmalade out of the copper.

We think it's the heat transfer, it is quicker through copper.

And you're bubbling what inside here?

Fruit and sugar.

That's all we need, fruit and sugar.

VO: Jam is still made using the same basic ingredients as it always has been - a brilliantly simple combination of fruit, sugar and heat.

VO: You can't come to a jam factory without trying some - and I think Sue and Charles are in luck.

VO: Crumbs, I could do with a cup of char myself, and a scone, right now.

SUE: On your marks, get set, go!

CHARLES: Going, going, gone.

VO: Gone.

Nice hats lads Mmmmm!

VO: John & Phil have left Halstead behind them and are traveling to their final shop in Gosfield - that's Gosfield Shopping Village... no time to lose.

JOHN: Good evening ladies.

VO: I think that fell on deaf ears John.

PHILIP: Do you recognize that?

Arrghh!

(HISSES) Good lord that is tiny.

PHILIP: Trotter's Independent Trading.

PHILIP: New York, Paris and Peckham.

JOHN: New York, Paris and Peckham.

That's perfect.

PHILIP: I think that's so cool.

VO: The Trotters' iconic van is frequently, and incorrectly, referred to as a Robin - it's actually a Reliant Regal Supervan.

Would it be possible to have a look at that, do you think?

Yes, yes of course.

PHILIP: If you got a fine point Sharpie or something you could just get a signature on there.

JOHN: Yeah.

Well it's possible.

PHILIP: So this is... they call these swing frame toilet mirrors.

JOHN: Oh yeah?

Because the frame swings.

Yes.

PHILIP: It's lifted from the norm in that it's got this nice sort of shield shape to it, almost.

But it's been through the mill a little bit.

So this would have sat in a gentleman's bathroom, with a wash jug and bowl probably.

PHILIP: And he would keep his studs or whatever in there.

In an ideal world if at all possible it would be good if we could buy the two for 20, that would be good.

I think special for you yes.

PHILIP: Really?

JOHN: Really?

Oh you're an angel.

Thank you very much indeed.

Let me just get some money out, this is where the money comes out again.

JOHN: Thank you so much.

JOHN: I'm amazed you've got any left Phil.

PHILIP: It just keeps coming out.

Thank you very very much.

That's fantastic.

Do you like that?

JOHN: I do.

I love the shape of it.

It's just the... PHILIP: It's elegant, isn't it?

It is, I think it is, yeah.

JOHN: Well, there we go!

Finished.

VO: Not quite!

Time to discover what your rivals have been buying and to share with them your own eccentric purchases.

PHILIP: Three, two, one, go!

SUE: Well!

Certainly interesting, isn't it?

VO: That's interesting, the word "interesting"!

PHILIP: These four stacking chairs, which I think are quite trendy, we actually got them out of a nuclear bunker.

CHARLES: You didn't?

PHILIP: Yeah.

PHILIP: They were what you'd call "fallout".

CHARLES: Really?

PHILIP: Em, and they were £20.

CHARLES: Yeah.

SUE: For the four?

For the four.

PHILIP: We bought this urn, which cost us 60 quid, so we hope there's a bit of a profit in that.

CHARLES: Yes, yes.

Well, I think you bought that because Mr Challis would like that in his garden.

I can get inside it too.

Absolutely right.

I can...I can hide for hours.

We'd like to see that!

How much does a Challis "urn"?!

PHILIP: And...and then we bought this water purifier, the London water filter.

CHARLES: Yes?

JOHN: Yeah.

PHILIP: Which was 40 quid.

Yes.

But the most interesting thing, I think, and I will now hand you over to my dear and esteemed colleague, is these lots here.

JOHN: Yes.

SUE: That's very pretty.

What are these?

JOHN: We found all these indentures, and we...we got them, actually, I think, at a very, very good rate.

There are 70...there are 70 of them.

JOHN: We paid... we paid a pound each.

CHARLES: I think they are really speculative.

I think...I think they could do really well... JOHN: Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

..because they have that history which, if you capture the right buyer, they're worth a lot of money.

It'd be wonderful to do the research on it.

Absolutely...

But we thought if nothing else, you could paper your loo with them!

VO: I'd rather put them on the wall, Philip, personally!

Ready?

Ready.

On your marks, get set...go.

Here's our first little ensemble.

Oh, that's nice, Charlie.

Oh, gosh, that's lovely, yeah!

SUE: See ya later, alligator!

SUE: I'm afraid I fell in love with this.

SUE: It's going to, I suspect, ruin any credibility that Charles Hanson has ever had in the business.

CHARLES: Get outta here!

JOHN: No, I like that.

SUE: Well, I thought... JOHN: That's great.

What's it worth, John?

What's it worth?

CHARLES: Have a guess - your antique nous.

Oh, I dunno.

Em...£2.50?

Yeah, thanks for coming, yeah, thanks!

What did it cost us?

A fiver.

SUE: We got it for a fiver.

CHARLES: Fiver.

JOHN: Well, I don't know...

I think you were right, yeah.

Charlie, what's that last thing there?

CHARLES: Well... SUE: This... We got caught in time, didn't we?

Yes.

I think it might be our coup.

This is our great coup.

You ready?

CHARLES: Three, two, one, drop the cloak!

Look at that!

Look at that!

I cannot actually believe it.

PHILIP: D'you know, I'm horribly underwhelmed, I mean... VO: Same here.

CHARLES: Underwhelmed?

PHILIP: Overwhelmed, sorry.

CHARLES: Now, when we sell this delightful, wonderful cocktail bar, which cost us 140... 140.

CHARLES: ..we are gonna sell it with the unique... SUE: Unique.

CHARLES: ..unbelievably good...

Cheers!

..which you'll taste in a moment... CHARLES: ..recipe for... SUE: ..Marlene's Slinky Pinky - her very own recipe.

PHILIP: I'm gonna propose a toast.

Here's to a jolly good auction for all of us.

Here here.

Cheers!

Here's to a jolly good auction!

Well done.

Very good... Oh, my life!

That is filthy!

VO: OK, that's all very nice.

Time to tell us what you really think.

D'you know, they just bought a whole load of - dare I say it?

- nobbly nicknacks...

Nobbly...I like nobbly nicknacks.

I mean, who wants to buy an oval mirror, with a bowl, with a little train...whatever it is..?

SUE: Well, there's the little signal thing.

CHARLES: Yeah.

It's sweet.

Well, that's obviously Challis always... John Challis always wanted one of those in his life.

And the real test is would you swap any of our lots for theirs?

No, I don't think I would.

No, well, I don't I would either, which means...I've enjoyed your company.

I think we've done alright.

It's been a pleasure - it really has.

Yeah, it's been good fun, mate, good fun.

Very interesting.

VO: This road trip started in Battlesbridge but the winner will be decided in the auction room that awaits due south in Dartford.

VO: Dartford has been a market town since medieval times and was an important crossing for the old Dover to London road.

But forget about a walk in the park today - we're here to do battle at Watermans Auction Rooms, where the experts are on hand to welcome Sue and John.

Hi, how are you?

SUE: Here they are!

Here comes trouble!

CHARLES: Raring to go?

SUE: This is our moment, Charlie!

CHARLES: Exactly, this is our moment.

VO: Both teams begin with £400 each, and two days on, John and Philip have only spent £240 of it, on a number of items, now organized into six varied lots.

Fantastic wallpaper, isn't it?

JOHN: Yeah.

Almost better than anything else, I'm thinking Mr Alligator.

VO: Sue and Charles spent slightly more, at £265, and also ended up with six auction lots.

The man with the gavel is Colin Waterman - what does he think of our teams' chances today?

Lovely shaker; very, very pretty tray; COLIN: Deco's very, very in at the moment.

Nice little lot, this little Corgi Del Boy Trotter car, the Reliant, comes with a bit of provenance as well, so it might do well on the day.

COLIN: Nice collection of mortgages and documents.

This one could actually hit the roof.

Lovely, lovely lot.

COLIN: You've got a set of four stacking chairs, which look like they come from a school.

I will struggle to sell those.

I don't think they're the best lot we've got by far.

My favorite lot, it's got to be the bar.

COLIN: Alright, it's in favor this day and age, but because of the Pinky Winky recipe, we have Marlene's signature, it's got to do well.

Lovely item.

If I had to choose between Marlene and Boycie, I would say Marlene.

The items are nice, there's some really unusual ones in there, and I think on the day she's gonna win by a mile.

VO: Well, that's confidence from Colin but I wonder if anyone else shares it.

Who's gonna win?

We are.

CHARLES: Exactly.

SUE: We are.

Yeah, yeah, you keep saying.

Is there any question?

VO: Time to get the auction under way.

VO: First up, John and Phil's water filter.

COLIN: Nobody 60 on it?

Try it with 50, then, surely.

COLIN: 50 I've got.

Thank you.

50 I've got.

Five anywhere now?

Good...

Still selling at 50.

Too cheap at 50... ..made a tenner... Come on!

55.

60.

You've done a tenner.

Five.

It's gotta be 65.

70?

70 I've got.

Five I'm looking for.

It's for a charity... Well, done, Charlie.

You're a good valuer of these!

70 I've got still.

It's going.

It's not for us, it's charity... At 70 pound, it's selling... Well done.

Fair warning.

Hurray!

Well done, John!

Well done, well done.

VO: A good start for John and Philip, with a tidy profit, even minus commission.

VO: Next up, Sue's kitsch goblet.

COLIN: 15 straight in.

16.

18.

20.

SUE: 16?

18.

COLIN: 22.

COLIN: 24... SUE: Yes!

Good!

28.

£30...

Yes!

I like it!

COLIN: 34.

36.

38.

CHARLES: Good, Marlene!

COLIN: £40.

SUE: Yes!

COLIN: 42.

44... PHILIP: Is there no justice?

CHARLES: It's a bargain!

We should've bought more rubbish... PHILIP: Yeah.

COLIN: 50.

SUE: Lovely!

..instead of the quality we went for.

COLIN: Five there.

60 anywhere now?

Seated at 55 and it's selling...

Yes!

VO: An amazing £50 profit, which puts Sue's team out in front.

Charlie, how did that work?!

How did that work?!

VO: As an auctioneer, I'd of thought you'd known that, Phil.

VO: Now, will the large garden pot be a nice little earner for the boys?

Hundred I've got.

Thank you.

Great.

That is a relief!

105.

110.

115.

JOHN: Grandad... COLIN: 120.

Five... ..think of Grandad.

COLIN: Five.

40.

Five.

VO: Oh, this is going well.

COLIN: 180.

CHARLES: Wow!

COLIN: Five.

190.

Five.

200.

PHILIP: That's a lot isn't it?

210.

Still 210 there.

COLIN: And selling at £210.

For the last time, it sells... JOHN: Phooh!

COLIN: At 210... CHARLES: Well done!

Oh, thank you.

PHILIP: Boycie, well done.

VO: Well done indeed!

£150 profit - John's passion for gardening clearly paying off.

VO: Next, it's Sue and Charles' Uncle Albert decanter.

COLIN: Nobody at 25?

SUE: Oh, no!

COLIN: At 20?

I'm going home!

VO: Clearly no fans of Uncle Albert here.

COLIN: 15?

15 I have.

Yes!

COLIN: 18 anywhere now?

Selling at 15, am I?

Last time.

COLIN: It looks like it's gonna sell... 18, thank you.

Yes!

COLIN: 20.

22.

24.

26.

Keep it coming.

32.

34.

These people are in need of treatment, it seems to me!

COLIN: 38?

Still with the lady at 36.

COLIN: Eight anywhere now?

I'm selling... That's very good.

COLIN: ..at £36.

Yes!

JOHN: Hurray!

CHARLES: Thank you.

VO: Lovely jubbly!

A £26 profit.

Uncle Albert would be pleased!

VO: Next up is Phil's impulse buy from the bunker.

COLIN: £20 to start me on the four, someone?

15?

PHILIP: Ouch!

COLIN: 10?

Ouch, ouch!

VO: Ouch!

Oh, dear!

COLIN: I'll take a fiver for the four chairs, then.

PHILIP: That's a... Five I have.

Six?

Six.

Seven?

COLIN: Six I have.

I think we just crashed.

COLIN: Seven anywhere now?

We have just crashed and burned here.

COLIN: Selling at £6, and going... VO: Big, time, Phil!

COLIN: Sold!

PHILIP: Ouch!

Well, thanks, mate, well, done, yeah!

Terrific!

Back to your bunker!

Been lovely seeing you.

See you all soon.

It's been lovely, thank you!

Bye!

VO: A loss of £14, less commission.

VO: Next up, the silverplated deco pieces.

Now, Sue's expecting great shakes with these.

COLIN: 40.

It's a lovely thing.

A hundred.

COLIN: 35 there.

JOHN: £2.50.

SUE: 110...

This is Dartford, not Hampshire!

VO: Don't they do cocktails in Dartford?

I kissed, you know, two antique dealers for this!

£30, I've got to start it.

30 I've got.

Looking for 35 now.

JOHN: £3.

COLIN: 35.

40.

Five.

50.

COLIN: Selling at 45 to the young lady... COLIN: Last time at 45... CHARLES: Oh!

SUE: We made a loss!

VO: Correct, Sue.

In fact a £5 loss, less commission.

Funny old world, innit?

VO: Well, Phil, let's hope it's funny enough to contain a cricket-loving, Meccano-collecting majolica fan in need of a mirror who wants to buy your next lot.

35 straight in at the back.

COLIN: 38.

40?

40 there.

42?

44.

PHILIP: Charlie... COLIN: 46.

48.

50.

55.

COLIN: 60?

Still 55.

At 55, it's going.

VO: That's a £10 profit before commission.

It's looking as though the boys are unbeatable.

VO: Will Sue's bedroom chair close the gap?

Should be around about 50.

45?

40?

£40 straight in, thank you.

Five anywhere now?

40 I've got.

Still looking for five.

COLIN: 45.

50.

Five.

60.

COLIN: 55 I have.

60 anywhere now?

Selling at 55...

Number 12.

Oh... PHILIP: I've gotta tell you, I think that was a result.

Do you?

That's good.

That's good.

That's good.

COLIN: OK, we have a box of ephemera... VO: Unfortunately, Charles, after commission, that's actually a loss.

VO: Up next, the Trotters Independent Trading Company van.

COLIN: 20?

18?

15, surely, 15.

16.

18.

20.

COLIN: 22.

24.

26.

28... VO: Going well for a three-wheeler!

COLIN: 34, 36, keep going, 38, 40... Worth it.

COLIN: 42, 44, still 42, and selling at £42.

SUE: Well done.

CHARLES: Well done, guys.

Well done.

Thank you.

SUE: Thank you.

VO: Cushty, I believe is the word.

Next up it's the collection of indentures - 70 in total, bought for £70.

COLIN: 120, I've got, looking for 125, 125, 130, five, 140, five, 150, five, 160, five, 170, five, 180, five, 190, five, 200 and 10, 220, 250.

260?

270, 280.

COLIN: 270 sitting, at 270.

SUE: Brilliant.

PHILIP: Pleased with that.

VO: And so you should be Phil, a £200 profit before commission, all on the toss of a coin.

Cor!

Lovely jubbly.

Come on, let's hear it.

Shut up, Charles.

Lovely jubbly.

Del Boy would be proud of you, my son.

VO: Proud indeed, as it puts you firmly in the lead.

However, Sue and Charles still have two lots to go - the first of those, the silver Elkington set.

COLIN: Start at 60 then, lovely piece of Elkington.

Any interest at all?

Nice box... Nice box as well.

Over there, sir.

60 with the lady there.

60 I've got.

Five anywhere now?

Come on.

COLIN: Selling at £60 at the back.

CHARLES: One more.

COLIN: At £60.

VO: That's £50 profit - but still leaves Sue and Charles trailing.

VO: It's time to kitsch up with their final item.

In the words of the inimitable Del Boy Trotter, the bonnet de douche of today's auction...bring on the bar.

COLIN: Anyone 165?

165 there, I've got 170, COLIN: 175 in the room at 175, looking for 180.

And you get a free cocktail!

COLIN: Looking for 180 now and you get... A free drink.

Free cocktail.

You get the bar, you get the pineapple, at 175.

SUE: And the purchaser will get photographs of Boycie and Marlene at the bar drinking a cocktail.

Well done.

VO: Another profit but is it enough?

As an epic struggle ends let's crunch the numbers.

VO: Our celebrities began with £400 each.

After auction costs, Sue and Charles have made a reasonable profit of £84.32p so end their road trip with a total of £484.32p.

VO: After auction costs John and Philip have made an amazing profit of £295.46p and end their road trip with a total of £695.46p - giving them a resounding victory.

VO: All good things come to an end, so time to say their goodbyes.

JOHN: Could be an interesting drive back.

VO: Funny thing is, that a profit of £84.32p would normally win one of these trips; but Sue and Charles were up against an unstoppable partnership in John and Phil.

VO: And now it's time for our experts and celebs to part company for the last time.

VO: All profits generated by our celebrity teams will go to Children In Need.

See ya, Boycie.

Three days and he's learnt her name.

How does his laugh go, how does Boycie's laugh go?

(IMITATES BOYCIE) subtitling@stv.tv