♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ("Wedding March" playing discordantly) How is that?

That to be for a wedding?

Yes, but possibly slightly more suitable for... an accompaniment to a ride on the waltzers or a novelty night out at Pontins holiday camp.

Well, will you let me know if I got the job, and then I'll take the ad out of the post office window?

You can't play CDs forever, Vicar.

And, look, I'll play you a slow one now.

-Good for funerals.

-(vicar scoffs) ("We'll Meet Again" by Vera Lynn playing on organ) Two, three, four.

(singing off-key) ♪ We'll meet again ♪ ♪ Don't know where ♪ Yes-- Yes, all right.

Thank you.

♪ Don't know when!

♪ How's the decoupage going over there?

I love it.

The art of glue.

Because you can adorn anything with it: hairbrush, jewelry box.

Not on your face, Rosie, darling.

Oh.

Can't get him to engage or talk to me properly.

I had enough now.

The farm is dying on its feet, and he's just-- Well, you know?

What're you gonna do?

I don't know, but I can't take it anymore.

It just can't go on like this.

It's not worth it, for a farm!

Oh, come here.

-Oh, hiya, everyone!

-(all greeting) Tash: I know, I know, I know!

I can't believe it.

Isn't it, like, weird?

Cheer me up.

How are plans for the wedding going?

How happy are you, woman?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, good face, and now that face?

What?

Because they won't let me have anything to do with it.

They want to do it all on their own.

Well, let's let them then.

So, have you decided where you're gonna have the wedding?

-Well-- -I got married exactly where Ricky proposed to me.

Where was that, Rosie?

In the cab of his truck down the yard.

And all the other lads was, like, honking the horns and cheering and stuff.

And then, we went over to the White Hart for a drink, and Ricky, he's so romantic, he laid on all this food, like peanuts and crisps and Twiglets, scratchings, you know, like, gherkins.

It was, like, food galore, which is just as well because, like, his mother was cider-bladdered by then.

Then, we went home and, you know, consumed the marriage.

Ideal.

-At mine, we had some lovely-- -(Queenie shushing) -We want to listen to her.

-Yeah, thank you.

Well, we were thinking, like, maybe the church, 'cause it's got, like, Medieval-y vibe.

And I'm gonna wear a dress with long sleeves, um, with bits that go over the finger.

She doesn't realize it's all got to be planned.

-So when?

-Let her learn.

-Well, you see, I was late for my wedding.

-Oh.

My father's glass eye fell out.

-Dog ate it.

-Really?

When were you thinking?

In a couple of weeks, so no panic.

Well, you just let us know if we can be of any help.

-Queenie: Flowers.

-Yeah or bridesmaid.

-I've actually got-- -Where are you going to live?

Well... um, not here, obviously, because, um, Spike and I are, like, travelers, so we like to be free.

We like to... feel free, so, um... probably look for a van.

Oh, did you ever hear any more about the mobile library?

No!

'Cause that would be like my dream home.

Tip, where did you get married?

Cork.

And I have to tell you, I don't remember much.

I didn't so much go away as pass out.

But you woke up with a lovely man.

-all: Yeah, yeah.

-Queenie: He's lovely, Colin.

-I've actually got my wedding video here.

-Eileen: Really?

I just thought... for ideas and-- -Put it on!

-Kate: Oh, okay!

Well, I suppose it'll save us having a talk.

Gotta see this.

Better get a move on if you are gonna get married in two weeks!

Budge up, budge up.

Right.

I haven't seen this for ages.

Oh, there I am.

(chuckles) Oh!

Yeah, uh, so I wore yellow, which was a mistake.

That's the cake, that was lovely.

Oh, that-- Can you see the headdress?

Yeah, that's pretty, isn't it?

That was lovely-- Oh.

Ah.

Stuffing my face as usual.

Oh, that was the disco.

Oh, that was brilliant.

Oh, don't look at me dancing!

I look so silly.

Oh, no, this is the cake.

Oh, isn't that-- Look, those little figures, that's really something that I just think putting those on the cake, it's just so lovely.

It's like a bride and groom.

Cutting the cake.

That was a lovely table arrangement.

(Kate speaking indistinctly on video) Um, I don't know what I'm saying there.

(Kate chuckles) (gentle music playing) It's not how I remembered it.

Spike: So, when we are married, -we're still cool, yeah?

-Yeah.

It's just, like, gonna be, like, me, you, Raef, you know, like as it is now but after, you know, just hanging.

Oh, my God, yeah.

I'm not gonna change.

We are gonna be, like, totally free.

Mm.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) (tractor rumbling) (cow mooing) -Colin!

-I can't stop, Tip.

I've got a jammed arm here in this piece of crap!

-(hammer thudding) -Just want you to sign these.

And where is the bill for the tire?

Tony said he gave it to you.

Yeah, yesterday!

-There!

-That-- That's fine.

I got the top fields to do, then I can start spreading.

I know.

Do you want me to hit this for you for good luck?

(sighs) I don't know.

I know how hard you're working.

I can't go back to contracting.

I know.

But then we're just gonna have to think of something else, the way things are going.

Yeah, it'll be all right.

(hammer thudding) Of course, it will.

(snaps fingers) Don't-- Don't touch it.

Please le-- leave it.

-Put it down.

-Hey.

Hey.

So, what do we think?

-We really love it.

-I'm so pleased.

You know, I haven't been in here since, like, -my dad's funeral?

-vicar: Really?

I have never been in here.

You do surprise me.

So, may I inquire precisely why you wish to be joined in holy matrimony in the house of our Lord?

Because this place has a very special position in the town.

Yes.

And if you wanna get married in a register office, you have to go all the way to Exeter.

Your point?

All our friends live near here, right?

And they could walk here, which is great.

And, also, it's very close to the rugby club, so no transport needs to be laid on.

It is our perfect venue.

I guess we are very, very lucky here.

We find we get a lot of our bookings thanks to our close proximity to the aforementioned rugby club.

May I ask about availability?

Well, I'll have to look in my book, -but when were you thinking?

-End of September.

Yes, well, I'm completely booked till 2009.

Do you imagine you'll still be together then?

(gentle music playing) So, what-- what are you hoping to have?

A wedding.

Oh, well, they have lots of those.

Oh, it does not always look this miserable, so don't be put off.

Uh, want to see the files, see what they can do?

How many?

Tash: Oh, would it be... Would it be, like, 100 or something?

Well, it's up to you really.

Only the more people in here, the better, 'cause then you won't see the rest of the room.

Yeah, I will probably decorate and, um, have lights.

Yes, right.

There's amazing things you can do with balloons.

Now, shall I run through a few prices with you?

-Okay.

-Right.

Well, now, the price of the room isn't too bad really, just, uh, 100 quid, but it's the bits and bobs on top that mount up.

Now, you're gonna be thinking, for 100 people, ooh, £15 a head, food minimum, and includes a glass of sparkling white wine or choice of fruit juices on arrival.

Plus three c-- canapés per guest, spring rolls, satay chicken, and mini filo tart.

Starched linen napkins in a choice of three colors, burgundy, lilac, or ivory, come in at 120 per head, and those can be coordinated with your matching seat cushion covers on the basic dining chair for an additional 55 pence per head.

Or your full jacket with Velcro bow to rear... -(gentle music playing) -(Megan continues talking indistinctly) ...is 5,876.

Ooh, and there's VAT on top.

And that's with pay bar but not including staff.

(gentle music continues) I think...

I had better just discuss it with my fiancé.

So, it's really good you wanna get married soon, 'cause after next week, I'm, like, not working here anymore.

Some other person's working here, not me, so, you're, like, really lucky.

Where you're standing now, like, where all the white-y, wedding-y dresses are, that's, like, really expensive, so stop.

(chuckles) And that one you're wearing now is called, like, predementia or something, and it's, like, mid-range.

It will be about two-and-a-half grand.

-That's, like, madness!

-I totally know!

I mean, two grand?

God, that's-- that's like a house!

I know!

(snorts) Madness.

Anyway, look, here's the thing.

I could pretend that I'm taking the dress to the dry cleaners, and you could borrow it for the afternoon.

But you would have to have it back here by 6 o'clock, and, like, you could not drink -or, like, sweat in it or anything.

-Oh.

We could also do it, like, I pretend I'm getting married, and then, we get a really big discount, but I have already done that for quite a few friends, and they're beginning to get a bit funny.

And if you were gonna get a dress from here, then, like, not that one because, to be honest, and don't take this the wrong way, but you look totally demented.

(gentle music playing) Would you just ask Tash how her wedding plans are going?

All right.

-Uh, Tash?

-Tash: Mm?

How are your wedding plans?

Yeah, great.

Just... getting my head around it.

Me and your dad just got married in a registry office in Liverpool.

A few friends, back to his mum's for tea and sandwiches, and then off to Rhyl for a few days in my little Mini.

Yeah, we've seen the pictures.

Dad's trousers were too short, and Gran had a mustache.

Yeah, not quite what I was thinking.

Sal: No.

Oh, well.

Mum?

Yes?

You know how people, -like, give presents?

-Sal: Yes.

Do you think they would-- do you think they would give money?

Money?

Mm, and if you didn't give us a present, you could give money?

For the wedding?

(bell dings) Yasmin, could you just check that the pizza's defrosted?

Thank you.

How much money?

Well, for the one that I want, £7,869 and 99p.

Right.

(chuckles) Can we talk about this later?

Girls are in the kitchen.

Beer?

Cheers, yeah.

Raef's asleep.

Good.

Well, I suppose I'd better welcome you officially to the family.

Mm, cool.

I just hope you intend to look after her properly, because if you think, for one moment, you're gonna get away with treating her like all those other useless travelers and the so-called Rufus did, then you bet I have another thing coming.

The drugs stop now, is that understood?

The sleeping around stops now.

And remember, I'm your GP, I know everything.

There is a child, my nephew, to think about, and I expect you to take your responsibility seriously or face the consequences.

If-- If you do a runner or hurt Tash, there'll be-- there'll be nowhere for you to hide.

I-- I will find you, and I will hurt you.

Ju-- Just get it into whatever brain cells still exists that I'm a doctor, I know how to save lives, but I also know how to kill.

Sal: Pizzas!

Pizzas!

Yum!

(gentle music playing) You all right?

It's just so much money.

And people say they can do it, and-- and that is their job, and then, they can't do it until next year.

So why they're there at all if-- if-- if they can't do it?

And how long does it take to bake a cake?

And the thing is, if we can't get married in two weeks, when we want, we have to wait for, like, 200 years!

I haven't got that kind of money, Tash.

Oh, I know.

But I could have, because I've been thinking, and I could sell the car 'cause I hardly ever use it, and there's the premium bonds which I can cash.

No, Mum.

I just wanted to show you that I could do it, and that I am grown-up and... can do stuff.

Tash.

Tash, you are grown-up.

Do you know why I think you're the most grown-up person I know?

No.

(chuckles) Because you know your own mind, and not many people do.

But you are so different.

You know, most girls that I see, when they're getting married, look about five years old as if they're wearing their mum's high heels and lipstick, and it doesn't mean anything.

It's wrong.

-Mum?

-Mm?

Would you... (laughs) Yes.

Yes!

I'll help you.

No, would you just do it?

(Sal sighs, laughs) But there's one thing, Mum, you have to remember.

-This is, like, really, really important.

-Okay.

I don't like fruitcake.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) (quad bike rumbling) Tip: Col!

Turn around and take me on a tour of the river fields.

-Am I allowed to ask why?

-You are, and I shall tell you.

-We have got a job.

-Hey!

(music continues) That's better!

(indistinct chatter) Eileen: Well, I never married, which I think is for the best.

Queenie: Yes.

I was married twice.

First one was a moper.

Had his nose put out of joint when I had an affair.

Queenie.

With a maid.

Queenie!

Caking!

How many sausages for 100 people?

-That's a 15 up to there.

-15.

-You know what John and I are rather into at the moment?

-Hm?

Spit-roast.

-Really?

-Yes.

He and his friend, Jerry, do it.

I love it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-No.

Oh, thought we'll invite you over.

Turn around.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) Well, you know, you see, that's the thing about a wedding, it's just a great party.

And the problem with most parties is that people forget to host them.

They get all the ingredients together, and then they expect it to just happen.

Yes.

And then get angry when it doesn't.

It's like people get everything together to have a wonderful life, and then forget to live it!

Waiting for the joy that never happens.

-Oh.

Oh.

Oh-ho.

Aw.

-Rosie.

Rosie, darling.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) (sighs) Ooh.

(quad bike rumbling) Wakey-wakey.

Come on.

Good morning.

Hey, this is the last time I'm gonna be able to do this.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) Yasmin: So, please don't make comments all through the ceremony, or I will leave.

Could've made an effort.

Ah!

So, what do we think?

I can't think anything.

I've been gagged.

(music continues playing) Calm down.

Oh, Queenie, I do think we've done 'em proud!

I love your lanterns.

-Queenie: Trago Mills.

-Even so.

(music continues playing) (indistinct chatter) Ah, the legal requirements.

Why do they always look like that?

Stop it.

Oh, Katie, darling, you're looking lovely!

-Oh, thank you.

-Yes, you do.

Aw, thank you.

It's nice to have an occasion to.

Are you hoping to catch the bouquet?

Oh, no.

No!

Not at all!

(gentle music playing) (horse snorts) Oh, my God, Mum, have they changed the music?

Do I look amazing?

Are my wings straight?

Yes, yes, they look fine.

-Mum, look and check!

-Oh, okay.

-Yes, you're beautiful.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Sal?

-Sal: Yes?

I just wanna be sure who is the main bridesmaid.

-You are, Rosie.

-Rosie: I am, yeah.

I am.

I am.

I am.

(music continues playing) I would like to welcome you all to the wedding of Natasha Jane Vine and Samuel John Pike.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) (Colin exhales) -Colin: We've done it.

-Cheers.

Samuel and Natasha will now speak to each other with words that they have written themselves.

(speaking foreign language) (softly) Elvish.

Chaucer.

I say to you, my love, in front of this gathered throng, I give you my heart for safe keeping until the moon and the stars should fail, and we are bound together in love by soft, silken, caterpillar-y threads, here of our own free will, together but free.

(gentle, upbeat music playing) (all applauding) (indistinct chatter) (up-tempo music playing) Suzy, I've only just managed to get here.

-What happened?

-I was held up at home.

I've been at the vets all morning.

-My dog's back end went.

-Oh.

No.

-A bit like John's mother.

-Oh.

Um... ♪ The Elfin Knight stands on yon hill ♪ ♪ Blowing his horn both loud and shrill ♪ ♪ He stands so proud ♪ ♪ And he stands so still ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow... ♪ Here, how do you know Elvish then?

Well, I am an elf, so.

'Course you are!

♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny o ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny... ♪ So, that is new, right?

And that's-- that's blue.

And all of it is old, and all of it is borrowed apart from the boots, which are like, you know, ancient.

So apart from the fire, right, I reckon this whole thing is totally carbon neutral.

♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny o ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my... ♪ What is that?

That's a hog.

Dead?

By now?

Yes.

♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny... ♪ (Sal yelps) Mum, I love my wedding.

Oh, darling, I love you.

And you look lovely.

(metal clanging) Right, listen up, everybody!

Some speeches.

First of all, the mother of the bride.

-Yay.

Come on, Sal!

-No, no, no, no.

-No, no, I don't make speeches.

-Come on.

Oh, God.

Well, I just love you both very much.

-Aw.

-Oh, my goodness.

Right, now, we'll have a speech from the groom.

(softly) That's you, mate.

-That's you.

That's you.

-Yeah?

-You have got a speech?

-Speech?

You are the groom.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh... (clears throat) Oh, my God, are you gonna, -like, do a speech?

-Yeah, it's all right.

It's all right.

(clears throat) Um, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who did all this and-- and that.

And, uh... -It looks bloody great!

-(all laughing) -And, uh, so does my wife!

-(all cheering) (all applauding) Aw, well done, Spikey.

(clears throat) Um-- Um-- All right, and another speech from the brother of the bride!

(people exclaiming) Um... (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen, um, fairies, pixies, elves, can I just start by, uh, by-- by saying what a wonderful occasion this has been.

Um, two such unique people in-- in such a unique way.

Tash is a very extraordinary person.

She is brave and adventurous.

She-- She stands out from the crowd, and never more so than today.

I've-- I've never seen her looking more beautiful.

And I know that my father would've been the proudest man if he were here today.

And so am I. I-- I'm proud of my sister.

And Spike is-- is a very, very, very, very, very lucky man.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tash!

(all applauding) ♪ He stands so proud ♪ ♪ And he's standing so still ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny o ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny o ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny o ♪ ♪ Blow, winds, blow my bonny ♪ You dancing?

I'm asking.

Oh.

(cheerful music playing) Tash: Thank you so much for everything that you've done.

I think your hard work's really paid off, 'cause I-- I actually-- I actually think I look amazing.

I actually think I look just, like, truly fantastic.

(music continues playing) (all applauding, cheering) Oh, be happy!

Tash, you know how I said I'd get you a cab to go away in?

Well, I forgot.

Oh.

Hmm.

So, instead, I got you this.

(people gasp, laugh) Oh, it's the old mobile library!

Rosie: Aw, and now, it's their mobile home.

I wonder if they'll keep the shelves.

Oh.

Off you go.

Go traveling, the three of you!

♪ So comes the storms of winter ♪ ♪ And then the birds in spring again ♪ ♪ I have no fear of time ♪ ♪ For who knows how my love grows?

♪ ♪ And who knows where the time goes?

♪ Tash: Mum!

I'm drying my hair!

(blow-dryer whirring) (theme music playing) ♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪