♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ -(song playing over radio) -(Sal humming) (sniffs) Blimey!

(sniffs) Ugh, I'm gonna have to do a shop.

I'll only have to eat it though, won't I?

I know, I'll go on a diet.

Good morning!

Oh!

God, you made me jump.

(song continues playing over radio) -What's happened?

-Nothing.

Just thought we'd come in, see how you are.

Oh, great!

Well, the kettle just boiled.

Would you have a cup of tea?

Ah, yes, lovely.

Thanks.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Oh, Yasmin, will you get the milk out of the fridge, please, love?

Oh, no, no, not that one.

That's gone off.

The other one.

But actually, I think that other one might be off as well, so you better taste it.

-Lovely morning.

-Mm.

-Actually, can we just not have this on?

-(switches off radio) What is it?

-Well-- -Well, no, that-- There, uh, that there is some news.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

No, no.

I'm-- I'm not-- -What?

-I'm not pregnant.

Aw.

Oh, well, never mind.

Um, well, what is it then?

-Well-- -Just say it.

No, it's just-- It won't seem important now.

The not news has taken the moment.

I told you if you made a big thing out of it, that's what she would think.

It's-- It's about the Reenactment Day.

Oh!

God, the Reenactment Day.

Well, that's always good for a laugh, isn't it?

A laugh?

Yeah, the Battle of Clatterford.

All those boozed-up boys tanked up from the beer tent, pretending to be soldiers!

Floppy hats versus saucepan heads.

And then they get some pompous, old tosspot wandering around in a curly wig pretending to be-- The King.

King Charles I. Oh.

It's actually a huge honor bestowed on a prominent local citizen by the Historical Society.

-Of which you're also a member.

-Yes.

Sorry.

Oh, what?

A family conference to which I'm not invited?

Great.

Oh, my God, are you pregnant?

No!

No, no, James is going to be king.

Of?

(no audio) No, Clatterford.

No, of England.

King Charles I of England, Mum.

In the reenactment thing.

-Oh.

-Oh-oh, here we go.

Cool.

No, I mean, at first, I was like, -that is like a celebration of violence and death.

-Really?

Like a Medieval Crime Watch reconstruction.

Medieval?

1646!

The Stuarts on the cusp of the interregnum.

But then Marcus said that actually it's a celebration of folklore and living history, so... Oh, the great Marcus, huntsman and oracle.

Oh, no, he's not a huntsman anymore, darling.

He's a conservationist.

Will you stop that, please?

Oh, hi, Spike.

Hey.

All right?

Oh, my God!

Mum, can you tell your "boyfriend" not to just, like, rock up when I am half dressed?

I do still live here, you know?

Yeah, yeah, some Frubes in the fridge.

Uh, are you in the reenactment, Spike?

-We-- We should really be going.

-Spike: Yeah, yeah.

Well, James is going to be King.

Are you on his side?

No, no.

I believe him to be a closet papist who had no ear or respect for Parliament, who was obsessed with trying to enforce Anglicanism on the Scots.

Yeah, he started wars nobody wanted.

Oh, bravo!

You went to school.

Tony Blair of his day.

-See, that's just the kind of meaningless nons-- -Don't start something.

No, you better watch it, James, because Spike is a crack shot.

Oh, yeah, musket man.

Oh, really?

Flintlock or matchlock?

-Flint.

-Really?

Oh, yeah.

School champion.

What school?

Eton.

(machines whirring) -Will: Morning, Rosie.

-Right, Will, where's Ken?

Ken's on a course, so I'm foreman today.

Oh!

Now, Rosie, you're gonna have to help me with something today.

Right.

Where's Ken?

I told you, he's on a course.

Oh, right, yeah.

Where's Gillian?

'Cause it's her shift with me today.

-Well, the thing is, she's sick.

-Oh.

And I can't get anyone else on this, so-- Oh, 'cause I can't do it on my own, can I?

-No, but listen-- -No, 'cause it has to be two operatives at all times.

Them's the rules, innit?

-Yeah, I know.

-Yeah, yeah.

'Cause you heard what happened to Jan when she was on her own, didn't you?

She had a prophylactic fit 'cause she's allergic to the plastic!

And I tell ya, cheese order didn't even go out.

Come here, darling.

Yeah, you heard her head, like, swelled up the size of a pumpkin and then it popped.

(both laughing) -I can't believe it, Rosie.

-I know.

-Lovely girl.

-Yeah.

-Now, if you work in here on your own today... -Yeah.

...no one will know, and I'll make sure you have some nice cheese to take home.

You like cheese, don't ya?

I do, yeah.

And it'll be our little secret.

Our little secret?

You're not Peter, you're Will.

That's right, darling.

Our little secret.

Rosie: I'll just do some labeling.

(as Margaret) What the hell are you doing here on your own, Rosie?

You know it's against the rules!

(as Rosie) Ooh, Margaret, what hasn't happened, right, is Will hasn't told me-- (as Margaret) Don't lie to me!

(soft music playing) She won't believe me.

She'll say I'm a dirty little liar.

Oh, hello, Rosie.

Oh.

But what actual powers do you have?

Loads, I can confiscate alcohol if it's being consumed in a public place.

Kate: But actual powers?

I can direct traffic.

So not a real policeman, then?

I can detain someone for up to 20 minutes until a real-- Until a constable arrives on the scene.

So not a real policeman, then?

No, not a real policeman.

-I am so.

-Are not.

-Am so.

-Are not.

Am so!

Hobby Bobby.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it, this is silly.

-Stop!

Stop it!

-(radio static screeching) (as Margaret) You're always supposed to have two operatives at any one time, Rosie.

You've been told that again and again, you stupid little girl!

(as Rosie) I know, Margaret, but I'm trying to keep it secret.

I'm keeping secrets all the time.

I've got a secret with Peter.

I've got a secret-- secret-- secret all the time!

I hate cheese!

I hate cheese!

I hate cheese!

I hate cheese myself.

If I eat it, I don't sleep.

(Rosie breathing rapidly) shop assistant: Auntie Rosie!

She's stolen the bloody pin machine!

But it doesn't matter.

-I'm gonna make an arrest.

-A citizen's arrest.

You have no more powers than me.

-(siren blaring) -Kate: Someone get Sal!

(whistles) Tip, Tip!

I need a hand, come on out, come on.

Tip: Now there they are.

Which one do you want?

That one there.

That one.

What does it matter which one it is?

-Colin: No, look-- -And don't shout at me.

Well, there she is, just open the frigging gate.

Just bring 'em all up.

I'm at the end of my tether with you, mister!

'Cause the other one's right in the back-- Don't you dare shout at me!

If you've made up your mind beforehand which cow you've bloody well wanted, this would not have-- (screaming) (cow lowing loudly) Poor girl.

(clears throat) Right, well, that should keep her asleep for a few hours.

I think, by the way, that we should be putting her onto stronger medication if this sort of thing's gonna occur.

No-- Uh, no!

Something must've happened to her.

Why not?

Why risk this happening again?

Because she's absolutely no risk to anybody else, and I don't want her medicated out of existence.

(sighs) Well, I don't see that this is any kinder, Mum.

Oh, God, the old medical cosh, make 'em into a zombie so you don't have to worry about them.

No, we need-- News has spread that the annual Reenactment Day is to be canceled.

Council officials have deemed the annual celebration of the infamous Clatterford skirmish of 1646 -as simply too dangerous.

-This-- No-- Outrageous!

Bloody hell!

I'm off.

I've gotta call a meeting.

"Health and bloody safety"?

Okay, well, I'll stay with her.

Uh, fine, yes.

Well, uh, good luck.

Christ, I wonder if the Historical Society knows about this.

(gentle music playing) Suzy: You're coming to the meeting at the park?

Caroline: Oh, do be careful where you're stepping.

-Suzy: Sorry.

-Caroline: I'm just doing the dog mess.

I hadn't done it yet.

Oh, I forgot to tell Mikey about it, and you know we've got the Claxons here at the moment recording an E.P.

in the barn, and one of them...

Mind out.

(grunts) ...trod in something and took it all the way through the sitting room and into the snug.

-I mean, I was seething!

-I bet you were.

Absolutely seething.

He wasn't phased at all by it.

-Suzy: No, no.

-Caroline: Ridiculous!

Suzy: Well, that is the problem with pop musicians today.

Caroline: Yes, they just won't look where they're walking.

Suzy: No.

(grunts) Oh, I'm so sorry.

I am sorry.

I didn't see you there.

(upbeat music playing) -Hi.

-Hi.

(indistinct chatter) Oh, yeah, there's a-- Oh, wait, no.

No, no, no.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry, darling, this is the Guild table.

Over here, girls.

Over here.

Right, who's getting the drinks in?

Suzy: Well, I don't think we can get to the bar.

It's so crowded!

Oh, uh, Queenie darling, you go 'cause you'll get through with your sling.

You go on and we'll shout Kate's orders to you.

Can I sort you lot out with a drink?

No, you're too late.

We're sorted.

We're fine, thank you.

-(gavel tapping) -James: Ladies and gentlemen.

Eileen: Yeah, He's got a gavel there.

-Do something!

-What?

You're the landlord, close the bar!

It's a pub!

Now, ladies, just so you know, we are here in our capacity-- -Oh, no.

Why are we-- -What does that mean?

It means, we'll do what we're told.

Give-- Give me five large sherries.

(gavel knocking loudly) Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dr. James Vine, and this is-- Now, we're-- we're all here to discuss the fact that our traditional reenactment has been canceled on health and safety grounds.

I-- I trust that we're all suitably outraged!

-all: Yes.

-Tip: Furious.

I now hand you over to the Vicar who has something to say on the matter.

I was going to introduce you.

Vicar: Health and safety laws were made to save us from harm, to save us from-- from others, but not to save us from ourselves.

That's God's job.

Oh, thank you, yes.

Of course, there will be the irresponsible feud, but one cannot have a risk-free life and call it a life at all.

Maybe we should say no alcohol?

It's a heady mixture, the live weapons and the beer.

But then what would be the point?

...we will all become over-nannied children.

Treated like babies.

Exactly.

James: Yes, this reenactment has been going for years!

66 years, in fact, and I ask you, has anyone ever been killed?

Just two.

Or-- Or injured?

Only 56.

Look, now, this is important!

This isn't just floppy hats against saucepan heads!

It's not just some 17th-century Stuart Crime Watch reconstruction.

This is a celebration of folklore and living history.

(upbeat music playing) (all applauding) -There you are, Rosie.

-Thanks, Sal.

Sal: You spend a lot of time in there, Rosie?

No, no.

Not unless I'm having trouble, you know?

With all the others coming through, like Margaret and Peter.

Oh!

(gasps) I told you about Peter!

That's supposed to be a secret.

Ahh.

Who is Peter?

No!

No.

(shushing, whispering) I can't tell you.

What's frightened you, Rosie?

Is this something that happened at the factory?

And Will said you went home from work without clocking off yesterday.

I'm not gonna lose my job, am I, Sal?

No, no.

No, Rosie, darling.

Was it something Will said?

Yeah.

I couldn't tell Margaret, 'cause he said it was our little secret.

And that's what Peter said.

Peter said it was our little secret.

And I couldn't tell Margaret 'cause that didn't happen.

That didn't happen!

Peter said?

(softly) Oh, Peter.

(softly) Oh, God.

Rosie, is Peter somebody you knew a long time ago when you were little?

Yeah.

I can't tell, though.

(Sal sighs) (softly) Rosie, you poor thing.

Don't tell Margaret.

Rosie, I think I'm going to have to talk to Margaret.

Be careful.

You do believe me, don't you, Sal?

You know that Peter was a bad man?

Yes, Rosie, I believe he was very bad to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(loudly) Does anyone else have something they would like to say?

(gavel knocking) Ladies and gentlemen, I think it is time that we grabbed the proverbial bull by the horns.

This day must be marked in some way or the Council will make sure that it finds some way to annihilate it completely.

They will find some-- some nesting bird or some migrating fish that cannot be disturbed.

And-- And in the absence of any other plans, I would like to submit for vote herewith that the Guild be appointed the job of arranging suitable activities.

Now, hands up, please, for aye.

Tip: Do what you're told.

No, no, no.

Hang on!

Hang on!

Marvelous.

Motion carried.

(gavel knocking) (gavel knocking) Ideal.

Rosie, I need to talk to Margaret.

Is she here?

She's in there.

Okay.

I want you to go and get her.

I need to sort this out.

Please trust me.

There's something Margaret needs to know.

(Rosie exhaling deeply) -(as Margaret) What?

-Margaret-- What has this silly woman, Rosie, been telling you now?

It's about Peter.

What?

Who's Peter?

Come on, hurry up!

I haven't got time, I'm busy.

Eileen: Ooh, Rosie, darling, I've got some news.

We are gonna do the reenactment.

Eileen, Eileen, I'm just talking to Margaret.

Oh, my good godfathers.

Shut up, you silly little self-important idiot!

And if you can't make yourself useful, get out.

Well, no, make the tea.

Go on, make the tea.

Make it now.

Go on.

Make the tea.

Eileen: Oh, dear.

(clears throat) Listen, Margaret, we are here to tell you about a man, a very bad man called Peter.

What?

What about-- Just shut up and listen.

He has hurt Rosie very badly, and we think you should be looking after her.

Well, why should I believe you, you skivvy?

Because it's the truth!

And you should be looking after her!

And you are a very terrible woman if you don't!

(Sal exhales) -(softly) Margaret take sugar?

-(softly) Don't know.

God, I hope I'm doing this right.

Well, I don't think they've made any instruction manuals for this, my darling.

Let's look.

woman on TV: I'm fine.

Raymond!

-man on TV: Yes.

-woman on TV: Hello.

Let's move over to the jackpot... (softly) Rosie?

-Rosie: Oh, Sal!

-Ah!

Hello, Eileen!

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I'm sitting over here though.

I'm not going over there.

(softly) Margaret's over there.

She's furious with Peter.

She's having a right go at him.

You should hear the language!

-Oh, that's great!

-Rosie: Yeah!

Does Rosie take sugar?

Fruit!

Fruit-- Fruit bowl.

Fruit bat.

Fruit loop.

(gentle music playing) Yeah?

All right.

Eileen: So firstly, to say thank you to Sal for letting us have the meeting here.

The meeting room is being usurped by aqua aerobics due to pool closure.

About time.

A consommé of urine and verrucas.

So, ladies, safety, safety, safety.

-Caking!

-Oh.

Katie, dear, we have already commenced.

Thank you.

Now, as I was saying, safety, safety, safety.

I thought it was health and safety.

Well, yes, it is, strictly speaking, but for-- No, it is health and safety.

Yes, that is right, Katie, but-- All right then, health and safety, health and safety, health and safety!

If you've room enough in your brain for that, Kate Bales.

So it-- it has been honored to us to provide activity and entertainment for the Reenactment Day, as you know.

And for that purpose, I would like us all to... think storm, as they say.

So ideas, ideas, ideas.

So it's competitions instead of battles, is that it?

Yes, Tip, yes.

But safely, in teams, Cavaliers, Roundheads, quizzes.

But won't that all be a bit boring?

No, no, it'll be fun.

Safe is never fun.

Safe is safe.

Something mental, something physical.

(softly) Steady.

-Something for Queenie.

-What?

Not physical, darling.

You've had that sling for a long time.

Yes.

(softly) Not always on the same arm.

(softly) Munchausen's.

And how is Rosie, Sal?

Can we count her as one of our number?

Mmm, I don't know.

I mean, she's getting better, but she doesn't like going out on her own, you know?

So she needs somebody with her.

-Who is with her?

-Caroline.

Is that wise?

(Caroline sighs) (soft music playing) -James: It's a disaster.

-Disaster.

What's this, then, Simon?

Er, Oakham and Thirsty Ferret.

Um... Might I have clean glass, Simon?

Simon: There you go.

Thank you.

Oh.

So will you be running your, uh, beer tent, Simon?

-Simon: Oh, yes.

-Marvelous.

And-- And you'll be king-- king-- kinging in-- kinging it?

I dunno.

I'm too depressed to think about it.

Now then, let's see where we've got to.

Number one: team quiz.

-What is Su-doo-ku?

-So-do-ko.

It's marvelous, Katie, especially large-scale, head-to-head, team to team.

One to nine, boxes and rows.

Thrilling.

And then, followed by a physical game, keep the challenge running throughout.

Oh, sure, give the town a laugh.

Why not?

Oh, Tip, come on!

Then there'll be a beer tent as usual.

And Queenie will be in charge of the living history tableau.

(Queenie snoring gently) Well, it's hardly going to set the world on fire, is it?

Could you not give the lads a little battle?

Something?

I really think you have to.

Yeah, otherwise, it's not gonna be a reenactment of anything, is it?

No, It'll be an enactment of nothing.

Or of everything we do badly.

Well, you may as well sit the town down with a Puzzler magazine and a cup of Ovaltine.

We are here to save the day, to mark it safely.

Then let them mark it safely.

-No guns.

-Sticks?

Soft sticks and flat earth, with helmets, and roped off.

And they'll stop if I blow a whistle.

Ooh, and James will be there if anyone gets a splinter.

Oh!

He's the King.

Yeah.

We could behead him!

(upbeat music playing) Vicar: Oh, my God.

Veronica: What?

Vicar: I mean, normally this is-- I mean-- We don't have to stay.

Oh, let's just enjoy it for what it is.

A piss up in a damp field.

God, this looks sad!

You're looking very, um, well done.

Well, you only get to be king once.

So after safety in numbers, which is the So-do-ko challenge, the teams will advance towards the next event to the sound of a fanfare given over the Tannoy.

Not too loud, mind.

Uh, your wife not with you?

With me, but won't be seen with me.

Veronica: You've got terribly good legs.

Veronica!

So... Let's go.

-Have you brought more drugs for me then, Sal?

-No, you don't need them.

And Margaret has talked to Peter and got rid of him.

-Yeah, but it's big out there, Sal.

-No, no, no, no.

And he could be anywhere 'cause I wasn't expecting him at the cheese factory, and he was there, wasn't he, Sal?

-No, no, he's gone.

-Rosie: Yeah.

He's gone, I'll be there.

-And Rosie... -Rosie: Yeah?

...you love being a wench, don't you?

Yeah, I do!

But I'm not gonna go today.

No.

No, I'm much safer here.

I'm just gonna stay here.

-Sal: Oh, Rosie.

-Rosie: Yeah, that's it.

-No, you go, Sal.

-Sal: No.

Go-- Go on.

You go.

Go, have a good time.

Hello, Queenie.

Now I want you just to sit with Queenie, and then, you're going to sing your song.

-I'm not singing.

-Does she have to?

I'm paying her, Queenie.

To help, not to be totally humiliated!

Will you shut up and sit down?

-Not you, Queenie.

-I'll sing, then, shall I?

No, she is going to sing.

She's going to sing Scarborough Fair that she has sung at The Reenactment ever since she was six years old!

You all right?

I will be after a few beers.

So, what would you like to be?

A mouse.

Can you be a bit more specific?

Right, ladies, can I please have my Cavaliers to the right and Roundheads to my left?

Thank you.

(chuckles) 362 years on and you're still signing up to lose, mate.

-Oh, yeah?

-Oh, yeah, hunter boy.

Oh, sorry.

Conservationist.

Trustafarian.

Ah, His --, The King!

Where's Sal?

Woo-hoo-hoo!

(group exclaiming) There is Rosie, -and she is safe.

-Yeah.

Unless, of course, lightning strikes.

-She's not on our team.

-Thank God.

So forward, ladies.

Sal: How many have you had?

Not enough.

-Rosie: I suspect I'll be all right.

-Yeah.

Shall I have a drink?

Would that be-- -Sal: No, no, Rosie.

No.

-No?

Eileen: (over bullhorn) Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen.

The So-do-ko challenge!

(bullhorn whines) (indistinct chatter) Caroline: All right, let's go for the middle square.

Put a nine in there somewhere.

Tip: Yeah.

House.

And the winner, ladies and gentlemen, is the Parliamentarians!

(group cheering) Now, moving on to the next skirmish.

On your marks, get set, go!

Suzy: Go, Caroline, go on.

Come on.

Come on, get on!

Faster, faster!

Quickly!

Faster, faster, quickly!

And the winners are the Cavaliers!

Suzy: Yes!

It is neck and neck.

Follow us now, ladies and gentlemen, round to the gazebo.

-Sal?

Sal?

-Mm-hmm.

How many fruit am I supposed to have a day?

Five.

-And is apples fruit?

-Yeah.

And is cider apples?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Volunteer to be executed, we can all go home.

Where's an axe man when you need him?

(Spike clicks tongue) Speed knitting.

(needles clacking) Blunted needles.

(indistinct chatter) Would all the lads please, who wish to take part in the Battle of Clatterford, please make their way to the green now.

Thank you.

(loud enthusiastic cheering) (dramatic music playing) When I blow my whistle, you will stop.

(dramatic music continues) Let battle commence!

(people screaming) man: Fight!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

(whistle shrieking) -(people cheering) -(whistle shrieking) (whistle continues shrieking) -One of them's been hurt.

-Spike!

O-- Okay, what's your name?

And who-- who am I?

Bog off, James.

(soft music playing) You all right?

Boys, eh?

Yes.

Well, they stayed within the roped area.

Largely, yes.

-All hazards marked.

-Yes.

-No dangerous weapons.

-No.

Well, then, no worries.

You can't help it if people just wanna have a bit of fun.

Oh, thank you.

But in future, if I were you, cut the games, just have the fight.

Much appreciated.

(machines whirring) (theme music playing) ♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪