♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ Mmm, yes, very good.

♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you... ♪ Intelligent use of foliage, but do beware of blemished material.

Highly commended.

Right.

And first prize?

Is this the only entry?

It is.

Still only worth a second.

Tea.

Caroline: How's it going in there?

I don't really know.

Eileen: Well, what's the expression on her face?

Was she impressed?

Couldn't really tell.

What is this category?

Pauline: Global warming in a biscuit tin.

Right.

With cake, is it the look and the taste?

Yeah, it has to look and taste like a cake.

Was yours the-- the coffee and walnut?

Yes.

-Handmade, was it?

-Yes.

Then I'm against you.

Oh, but it's only a bit of a laugh, isn't it, Kate?

(all exhaling) (light upbeat music playing) See you later, darling.

Yeah, stay up for me.

Yeah, Ricky?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Bye, darling.

Bye, tiger.

(horn honks) Sal: Hey, Rosie.

Hello, Sal.

Hello, your majesties.

You know, Sal, you've just missed my Ricky, in his jumbo truck.

Yeah, we've been to Rotterdam, couple of days and overnight.

Ooh, did you sleep in the cab?

Yeah, it was marvelous.

Ideal.

Ricky do's the driving.

-I just do's the tachometer.

-Oh!

We went on ferry, Sal!

You been on a ferry before?

It's dead posh.

They got casinos, they got, like, machines you can play three or four at a time if you like.

We had a lovely time with all the other blokes on the other trucks.

-Oh, you've had a holiday, Rosie.

-Yeah!

That could be the subject for your next talk, Rosie.

Or maybe just something you've enjoyed, Rosie.

Yeah.

On the way back, right, I has to help out Ricky.

-I has to look for asylum seekers.

-How'd you do that?

Well, I just lies on the floor, and Ricky drives the truck over me, and if I sees one, I just kicks it off!

I need the toilet actually, Sal, I'm desperate.

Sorry.

It's up here, isn't it?

-(overlapping chatter) -Hey, Spikey.

Look at you!

Hey, look at this.

I love a man in uniform.

Absolutely.

Oh, Megan told me you'd all be here, so I thought I'd bring you your post now, you know, save myself some cycling.

Are you coming up to ours tonight?

(sighs) Mm, yeah, probably.

Yeah, all right.

See you later then, bye.

(indistinct chatter) Spikey, he's gorgeous.

I only wish Tash could see it.

I thought she was going out with Marcus, the hunter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but Spikey, he's the one.

It's how many things you can fit in a matchbox.

And who fitted the most in?

-Rosie, with 72 things.

-Oh.

72!

-Matches.

-Right.

I can't believe you actually baked a cake.

(softly) From a mix.

I love the rebel in you.

So, Sal, I see you've put your name down to head up the Autumn ramble.

Are you still on for that?

Oh, yeah, I said I'd get involved, and I am.

Good girl.

And so it begins.

There's no stopping you now.

(softly) Today, cake mix, tomorrow, the world.

Cake mix?

Sal Vine, good godfathers!

Sal: Look, at least they said yours was incredible.

"Inedible."

That's okay.

Oh, there's always so much hanging on my buns.

I shouldn't care so much I suppose, but being first is habit for me.

Probably not healthy.

Did you get anything?

Yes, I got a second in the undersea world in biscuit form.

Did she taste or just look?

Eh, I don't know, but someone's had their fingers all over my chocolate starfish.

Ladies, luncheon is served.

Rosie!

Get away from that table!

Your ladyship, I would like to thank you most humbly for judging, and we would like to invite you to join us in an informal cold collation.

Well, I would've loved to, but I have to get off to Hole.

I'm judging in, oh, 20 minutes!

Oh.

Right, ladies, please can we convene?

It is beholden upon me, at this juncture-- Why does everything have to be so drawn out and formal?

I know, why can't she just say thank you instead of hyperventilating herself into a tongue twister of falling gramercy?

You're doing it now.

I know, but it's catching.

So, Pauline, the flowers, please.

(whispering) Flowers?

judge: That's very kind.

woman: No, don't, that's in an entry.

Oh, thank you so much.

And thank you again, for coming here today.

It's a pleasure.

Hole.

woman: Oh, no, those are my David Austins.

judge: I have to get to Hole.

Thank you so much.

Ooh, Tash, is that your map on the dining table?

-Yeah.

-Why?

'Cause we are protesting against the Army firing today.

That land up at the top is common land, and it should be open and free for all people-- -I thought Prince Charles owned it.

-Yeah.

I thought it was Duchy, isn't it?

Like the biscuits.

But we should still have the right.

And Noel Edmonds owned the rest.

-Yeah, but the Army-- -Better look out, you know?

You might bump into Mr. Blobby.

(laughing) It's actually really serious, Mum.

Sorry.

There is an ancient right of way that goes all the way along the top to Tavistock, and as a Druid, I have the right to walk that.

As a Druid?

As a Druid.

Is there something odd about that?

Well, only that you're sitting there eating Coco Pops, dressed in Disney pajamas.

I am only wearing these because you gave 'em to me.

That's why I'm wearing them.

-Hey!

-Hey, Spikey!

Hey, Spikey, are you going on this Druid thing?

Don't know.

Can I have a mini Petits Filous?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can't hang around here all day, you know, Spikey?

Mm, where're you going?

Oh, Guild ramble.

Didn't see you at the pub last night.

Oh, lovely, lovely Spike.

He even smells all right at the moment.

What?

I said you're even smelling all right at the moment.

Mmm.

Yeah, he's a looker all right.

It's just crept up on me, but I think he has really got something.

Are you having a late-life fantasy?

Oh.

Well, actually, it was for Tash's benefit.

If I were you, I'd be careful, -have me hormones checked.

-Oh.

No, you see the one thing I understand is people.

They will never get it right unless I point them in the right direction.

Excuse me.

Spikey, I think someone would like to do something with you today.

Cool.

Tip: Oh, stop confusing the young people.

Come on now, woman, get ready.

This is your big day!

I can hear the cither horn calling from across the valley.

And before you ask, yes, you're too old for cut-off trousers.

The sight of thinning old shin skin above socks and boots is not a sight to be savored.

(bright music playing) It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

And we're the only two that haven't been taken over, but we must pretend to be one of them.

-Hi, hello.

-Hi.

Oh, Eileen, you look the business.

Here I am, ready to ramble.

Bring it on!

(indistinct chatter) Eileen: Oh, hello, Vicar.

You gonna be joining us?

No.

Come on, Sal, then, what's the template for today's ramble?

Sal: (chuckling) What?

The aim, the purpose, the theme, the point.

Oh, well, it's a ramble.

We just ramble along somewhere nice!

What?

Normally, we have maps, and questionnaires, and sheets, and historical facts, and after-ramble projects and, and-- And-- And, Queenie?

No fun.

Who said that?

I don't know, but what I was going to say was blisters.

Look, it's just a ramble, okay?

Packed lunch, ramble onto the moor, and time to chat to each other.

Chat?

Yeah, you know, get to know each other better.

(softly) Mm, dear.

I think the "B" word might be coming on.

I think that's a good idea.

We could bond.

(softly) Oh, Christ.

It could be a bonding ramble.

If "GH" is mentioned, I may have to leave.

"Good housekeeping"?

-No, "group hug."

-Oh, Christ.

Why do you always have to have goals and stuff?

Why don't we just see what happens?

Pardon?

-Sounds fun.

-Steady.

Oh, dear, a purposeless ramble.

Well, I... never heard of anything like it.

(glass clinking) -What?

-What was it?

-vicar: Not, not, not-- -driver: No, I'm just gonna go down there.

Who's in that car with him?

Friend from university.

(group exclaiming) Drive, drive, drive, drive.

All right, ladies, come on, leave Vicar alone.

Let's go.

Rosie, what have you got in your rucksack?

Uh, I've got cheese.

I trust you know where you're going, Sal?

Yes, Eileen.

Yes, I do.

You are our leader.

(laughs) Yes.

(indistinct chatter) I've always wondered what these are.

Oh, I know what it is.

Yeah, that is a cow cocoon.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

You come back next spring, and this whole field will be covered with cows, out of these.

Don't touch it.

If you leave your smell on it, the mother will abandon it.

Come away from it.

Come on.

(bird caws) Sal: Aw, look at us.

We're all doing something without dressing up or having a bloody competition.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone learnt something about someone they didn't know?

Careful, that sounds like a goal.

Don't interfere.

I'm a nurse, it's my job.

No one's sick.

Sal: I don't know, there's a few that could do with a bit of opening up.

(indistinct chatter) Ladies, there's a-- Oh, dear.

Ladies?

Ladies?

(indistinct chatter) You know, I heard that we are actually the only nation that actually walks for pleasure.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That actually says, "Let's go for a walk," and enjoys it.

I mean, on the continent, they think we're mad.

I wonder what that says about us.

Oh, it probably just means we're better than everyone else.

Yes.

Can we have a breather?

Oh, yes, breather, everyone, breather!

Oh, how beautiful everything is.

It's amazing how much more you see when you're not actually having to look for something.

Ooh, chance to have a little bit of cheese.

Country code, Rosie.

What do you mean?

Well, see you dispose of that packaging carefully.

I do, I eat it.

Oh, Rosie.

Bane of our lives, isn't it, packaging?

Do you know what I do now if I do a big shop?

What?

I unpack everything at checkout and leave the packaging there.

I didn't pay for the packaging.

Okay, ladies, come on, time to be going.

Come on, let's move on.

Um, actually, I think it would be a really good idea if we all walked with different people.

Otherwise, we're all gonna end up talking to everyone we always talk to.

-But it was going so well.

-Just stay with me on this.

Now stop it, you've a mad look in your eye.

Years have been spent developing indifferences.

Leave it alone, woman.

Rosie: We're walking with new people, people we don't normally walk with.

That's you.

That's you.

(sighs) Christ.

(Tash harmonizing) (dog yipping) -Hi.

-Marcus: Hi.

I can't believe you're laughing.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

You are.

Oh, my God!

Tash!

Sorry, my darling.

Blood on your hands.

group: Oh, yes.

Blood on your hands.

Now, Rosie, when you come and clean for me next Friday, I'm going to leave a list for you of things to do on the back of an envelope.

Right.

Did you see that I, uh, folded all your cling film?

Yes, I did.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Thank you.

But could you not fold the cling film?

I mean, the thing is, you see, I do really prefer the cling film still on the roll.

-You do?

-Yes.

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah, so just do what's on the instructions, all right?

And the other thing is could you leave by 6 o'clock?

Because John does like to watch a bit of telly -in the evening.

-I know.

-But not with you.

-Oh!

(cheerful music playing) Breather!

And on!

-Eileen: Bog watch, Sal.

-Oh!

Eileen: Look out for the sheep tracks.

Sal: Okay, thank you, Eileen.

Eileen: Oh, I love this bit of the moor, don't you, Tip?

Tip: Yeah, I suppose it is beautiful.

I've spent so long looking at land and just seeing work.

Hard labor and bureaucracy.

Eileen: Yes, I suppose you don't have time just to sit back and see the beauty of it all.

Tip: No, just the possibility of failing it all somehow.

How's Colin?

Don't seem to know, and best kept that way.

What's he doing this time of year then?

Swearing.

He's either swearing at machinery, or swearing at animals, or swearing at me.

The only thing that gets off lightly is the dog.

(chuckles) Well, I suppose you-- you working in the surgery, that must help out a bit, you know, financially, I mean.

I go round the dairy farms recording the milk before I go into the surgery, and they give me a few evenings a week behind the bar in the pub, but I can't help feeling that we're doomed.

Oh, Tip, I never realized it was that bad, darling.

Eh, don't mind me, I'm just spouting.

Well, it sounds like you need it.

Truth is, the Guild is about the only break I get really.

Oh, sweetheart, come on.

Oh!

Hello, gorgeous.

All right, how's it going?

Oh, lovely.

(chuckles) Have you seen Tash?

No, I think they must've gone to the other side of the river.

Hello, Spike, are you joining us?

Yeah, for a while.

Well, it's strictly against the rules, you know, but today is different.

We're all going commando.

I haven't even got any pants.

(laughing) I don't even own any.

Good to see you, Spikey.

Yeah.

Can I tell you something, Spike?

Yeah, go on.

You're a very attractive man, you know?

And I think you should be more confident about that.

Right.

I mean, if you want something, Spike, you should just go out and get it.

I mean, I'm talking about your heart now, all right?

Sometimes you don't see what's right under your nose.

You see, love is hard, isn't it?

I love having you around, Spike, more than anybody else, if you get my drift.

I mean, just think about why you come round so much.

I mean, it's not just for the Frubes, is it?

It's not just for the cheese string, is it?

Spikey, I want you to take the bull by the horns.

I want you to be a man.

Right.

Good.

Good lad.

Think about it, and don't leave it too long.

(bright music playing) (group laughing) This really is lovely.

Isn't it?

Actually, Veronica, I have been trying to set up recitals in the church, but I'm afraid my musical tastes are somewhat highbrow.

I can't really see Peter Grimes breaking into the musical monopoly that the likes of The X Factor has in these parts.

I remember you singing Britten.

Yes, I do a lot.

I remember that marvelous-- marvelous piece in-- in Grimes.

Um, how-- how does that go again?

I can't-- I can't remember.

Do you want me to sing?

No, no, no.

I think we should stop here for lunch.

Ooh, lunch!

Ooh, what, here?

Ooh, no, that's-- that's a bit tricky, 'cause here I got one foot in Prince Charles and one foot in Noel Edmonds.

And the world in between.

Yeah.

(Rosie gasps) Hello, Vicar.

Hello, Vicar, will you be joining us?

We are only a loose gathering.

-(Vicar grunts) -(tart splats) (group laughing) (glass clinking) Oh, God love him, he keeps us amused.

What's the matter with you?

You've sat in the tart.

-Sorry.

-Don't be so silly.

-Is it because they tease you?

-No.

Rosie: Vicar, you and her, you do the... (group laughing) Hilary and I would love you to join us for lunch.

-Who's that?

Who's Hilary?

-Oh, it's the Vicar.

-The Vicar's Hilary.

-Rosie: What?

(group laughing) You know, Rosie, there are lots of girls' names that boys have.

No.

No, Hilary is a boy's name, like Vivien, for example.

There are many, many boy Hilarys.

-No, there's not!

-Calm down, Rosie.

Yeah.

And what do you do, Veronica?

-Oh, I'm a-- -(softly) No, no, no, no, no.

I'm a singer.

(group exclaims) What kind of a singer?

A rather marvelous singer, actually.

-Classical?

-Of course.

What like, ♪ la, di, da ♪ Like that?

Yes, I suppose so.

How marvelous.

She's a fine singer of recitals.

Her oratorios are second to none.

Yeah, I bet they are.

Kate: Oh, so opera, is it?

Oh!

Oh, your ladyship, I wonder if you could tell me, I've always wondered, do you know the real words to the Cornetto ad?

(singing in foreign language) (group exclaims) Kate: Oh, that's beautiful!

Do you know any other adverts?

Do you know the British Airways advert?

Oh, yes!

The Flower Duet.

I love it, love it.

Oh, well, would you sing that for us maybe?

I need another voice really.

Oh, what's wrong with yours?

No, Rosie, she means she needs another singer.

No, Katie.

No, she needs another singer who knows the Flower Duet by Delibes and who has been in Lakmé in her youth at the Plymouth Athenaeum.

Oh, go on, go on.

-Shall I?

-Yes!

Jump in.

Why not?

Right.

-All right?

-Right, yes.

(both singing "Flower Duet" by Léo Delibes) Oh, hello, Spike.

(both stop singing) What are you doing?

Well, I thought you said, "Take the bull by the horns."

Not with me, you bloody idiot!

With Tash!

-Oh, right.

-Oh.

Go and find her.

Look, she's over there.

I'm really sorry.

God!

Sorry.

Good Lord!

It's all go around here.

Tip: Well... How could he get it so wrong?

I mean, Tash was over there.

I feel like a-- like a-- An old harpy.

Now, ladies-- He snogged her with tongue!

Eileen: Shush, love.

I never saw that coming.

I think we say nothing.

-Absolutely nothing.

-As if it didn't happen.

Well, we just pack up now.

Now, Sal, love, I think we better be going because there's low cloud coming over.

They will hamper our journey.

-Oh, God.

-Look-- No, I know, I know, I know, you've told me so.

Well, I did.

(cheerful music playing) Where are we?

Oh, this is hopeless.

We are fog-bound, ladies.

Kate: How long will we be here?

Shouldn't we call someone?

No signal, and Eileen's right, we just wait till it clears.

Could be just us alone in the whole world now, couldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Beast of Dartmoor might come.

Eileen: Oh, come on now, don't be frightened.

Give us a cuddle.

Do you know the story of the hairy hands?

There are no hairy hands, darling.

But it was a day just like this, apparently, that the devil came out and walked in a straight line across the moor, and then his goaty, webby feet-- There will be no devil coming here, not while I'm around.

Kate: Can I just say, I think that when something happens -like just what happened to Sal-- -Don't, Kate.

No, I think it does need to be spoken about, and we can do that now, here, in a safe, trusting environment.

No group therapy, Kate.

No.

No, just talking.

Well, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I agree.

This is a circle of confidentiality and mutual respect.

This is my idea of a nightmare.

All that is said in this group stays in this group.

-Farts!

-(Sal laughs) So, uh, whenever anybody would like to speak...

There's nothing to say!

I was just telling Spike that he ought to get together with Tash, right?

And he thought I meant me, and then he got confused and thought he'd led me on, and then, he felt sorry for me, I suppose.

Good.

End of therapy, Kate.

I don't quite understand why you felt you had to push them together.

No, not push.

Well, they're both adults, Sal.

Well, they don't act like adults, Eileen.

I mean, Tash-- She lives at home, and she eats Coco Pops.

And I'm sorry, but you keep her that way.

She's still your baby.

Treat her as a child, and she'll behave like a child.

-But I don't-- -She's 36.

You have to let her go.

You have to let her make her own mistakes.

You're a good woman, Sal.

You do it all out of kindness.

And we're doing this out of kindness.

I mean the way you've arranged all this ramble, that's out of kindness.

You want us all to get on and chat, and I must say that I myself am a convert to the chatting.

Hoist by your own petard, madam.

But you've gotta let things take their own path.

Now, I hope this has been of help, Sal.

Just for once, we're the nurse, and you're the patient.

-Yeah, but-- -So anyone else like to say anything?

No.

All that has been said stays in the group and is not ongoing.

So...

I think now is the time for... group hug.

Caroline: There are limits.

I'm sorry.

(group exclaiming) What would you give now for a simple walk with a questionnaire and an I spy challenge?

Never let me go purposeless again.

Are we becoming them?

Yep, invasion complete.

Good.

The fight was too hard.

-Tash-- -No, I don't wanna talk about it, I would rather die.

I've only just finished being sick.

♪ We are the Village Green Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪