VOICEOVER (VO): The nation's favorite antiques experts, £200 each and one big challenge.

Cuz I'm going to declare war.

Why?

VO: Who can make the most money buying and selling antiques as they scour the UK?

Can you make it...?

No.

VO: The aim is to trade up and hope each antique turns a profit.

Ouch!

VO: But it's not as easy as you might think - and things don't always go to plan.

Push!

VO: So will they race off with a huge profit, or come to a grinding halt?

We're doomed!

We're doomed!

VO: This is the Antiques Road Trip!

VO: Our two experts this week are auctioneers Thomas Plant and Paul Laidlaw.

Thomas is a returnee road tripper.

He's done it all before and is quite happy to use this to his advantage.

I just want to know - what sells well at your auction house?

VO: Nothing like a bit of insider knowledge.

Whereas for Paul, it's his first time.

This canny Scot has been trading antiques since he was 12, is a passionate collector of militaria and runs a superb auction house in Carlisle.

But now, he's a long way away from home.

How does it cope with being a Scot when you're in the heart of England?!

PAUL: I feel very much...a missionary... THOMAS: Really?

..to bring civilization to it!

VO: This is going to be fun!

Paul is here to educate us and Thomas to entertain, as they spin along in their superb 1974 Alfa Romeo Spider.

PAUL: You're talking pants!

THOMAS: You're right, you're right, it is!

VO: This week they'll be racing from the Yorkshire Moors through glorious countryside to Sheffield, through the Derbyshire hills and on to Cambridgeshire, before heading south to the Home Counties and finally ending their trip in Pewsey.

Today we're starting the whole ball rolling in Skipton, and finishing with an auction in Sheffield.

This pretty town has a magnificent 900 year old castle and our intrepid travelers' first shop, Skipton Antiques center.

New boy Paul wouldn't mind a bit of advice though.

PAUL: Oh, it's easing off.

That's not so bad.

Thomas, I don't know whether you can answer this question - virgin to this game, this particular show... First time.

Look in the mirror...

If I... Look in the mirror.

If I blow my budget in this venue... Yeah... What do I do tomorrow?

Well... Is that within the rules?

What's..?

You can do whatever you want.

It's up to you.

Right, let's do it, yeah?

THOMAS: Yeah.

VO: A place like this has a shop caretaker, but the actual antique owners are not on site.

A shame really, as there's less of a chance to do some good deals.

So looking to get ahead, Thomas is ringing the Sheffield auction house.

It's ringing!

Oh, hello.

Is Liz there, please?

It's Thomas Plant, from the Antiques Road Trip.

Oh, I can hear the noise - "Liz!

Liz!"

being shouted out.

I just want to know - what sells well at your auction house?

What should I be looking for?

Edwardian, quirky.

Something quirky.

Novelty.

Jewelry, glassware.

Great.

OK. VO: I hope you're going to share this information, Thomas.

VO: Actually, I think Paul is getting off to a flying start without any help.

With so few antique traders actually in the house, Thomas has struck lucky.

So I've been given a tip-off.

The dealer's here for this pitch, so I can have a look at this.

THOMAS: Antique boot pull, £11.

And of course, if you've had a rather big breakfast - you know, kedgeree and the like, a kipper, thrown in for fun - um...you couldn't really probably bend over very much, if your tummy was in the way, so you'd loop it in the loop, and you'd pull your boots up with it.

THOMAS: But what's nice, look at this here.

I really want it for a fiver... not ...not eleven quid.

I'll ask.

VO: It's a very quirky boot hook, and Thomas spots a well-made, possibly Edwardian toy.

THOMAS: Look at this.

Isn't this fun?

This is an ebonized cannon.

This is carved out of ebony.

Oh, this is wonderful.

THOMAS: God, any old boy would love this.

What does it say on the ticket?

OK. What have you got on this one here?

VO: And here's the owner, Melanie, who's come to help.

And this is a huge, Victorian gilt agate brooch.

And look at that.

Now, hold it to the light.

See that beautiful jewel there?

VO: Thomas, you're gonna have to use all your charm.

THOMAS: What is your best on these three objects here, please?

THOMAS: The boot pull, the cannon and the brooch.

MELANIE: 35.

THOMAS: £35?

MELANIE: Mm.

THOMAS: For the lot?

Yep.

Do you think you'll be able to...?

I was thinking... ..more like £30.

No.

No?

What about 32?

33.

32.50.

Alright then.

Yeah?

MELANIE: Yes.

Absolute bottom line.

Is that your absolute bottom line?

32 - I'll knock the 50p off.

£32?

That's a deal.

Thank you very much.

MELANIE: OK. THOMAS: No, I'm happy with that.

MELANIE: Good.

VO: Downstairs, Paul is beginning to feel the pressure.

Frustration!

OK, I'm still looking.

Um... As I said, I love to find interesting material but I've got to find commercial first.

VO: He's spotted a sword.

With all his military knowledge, Paul is going to want a very good deal here.

It's quite a nice one, that.

It's got...

It's 1920, I think, I believe.

It's em... PAUL: And a French blade, eh?

Yeah, a French blade, yeah.

PAUL: Yeah.

DEALER: Silver horn that.

Birmingham, 1923.

On the bottom.

PAUL: So what do we have here?

We have a sword stick.

Does what it says on the tin - a walking stick with a concealed sword and blade, and a very rapier-like blade.

PAUL: Why would one carry such a thing?

Personal protection.

So you're the gentleman about the back streets of London in the late 19th century.

You may be a target for the robbers, and this is a line of defense.

So... "'And over your money, sir!"

I'll have none of that!

Cuz you know what?

They don't like it up 'em.

Here and now, no clowning about, forget the price... Yep.

..what's the death?

What..?

£90.

Nah.

PAUL: Well, what's the price on this?

The price on that...

I know exactly what this is, as well.

DEALER: You know what that is, don't you?

PAUL: That's, that's no money, surely.

That's only £45 that one.

You are... And the scabbards?

I need a good price on the both of them.

DEALER: The death on these has to be 110.

And that has to be the absolute death.

VO: He now wants to add to that deal though.

Police cape?

DEALER: Oh, yeah.

Can you talk about that?

DEALER: We can talk about that one.

PAUL: It's worth 20 quid in an auction.

PAUL: What are we doing it for then?

£120.

That's it right on the money, innit?

VO: So now the deal is the sword, the bayonet and the cape for 120.

But Paul still isn't happy.

He wants a freebie thrown in.

PAUL: If, if I give you 120, you got any real stickers in here, that you'd just say "Well, I'll tell you what - they're a pain in the neck.

I've made my money on that job.

Take them with the deal as a sweetener."

How's about that?

That's thinking...that's radical, it's different.

It is at that, yeah.

You've got me thinking.

DEALER: I'm sure there might be something that I can throw in.

PAUL: How's about one of those holy water stoups?

What are they, resin?

DEALER: They're resin, yeah.

I could do you a deal on those.

Well, how about I stick my neck out?

I need that in with the deal.

I'll throw you one of those in for 120.

PAUL: Well, I can't say no.

DEALER: Right.

Be interesting to see how that pans out, eh?

It will, won't it?

Yeah.

Wish me luck.

I wish you the best of luck.

Cheers, my man.

Thanks, Paul.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thomas Plant.

How's it going, Paul?

I dunno, I dunno!

I've gambled!

Have you?

I've spent money... VO: Actually, Thomas, haven't you got something to tell Paul?

So I did ring the auction house, because I wanted a guide of what they... Sure.

..did, and general sale, Friday.

He did say he's got a few nice things in - a bit of Doulton already, a good Minton figure in - but quirky, unusual things sell, and he said a bit of Edwardiana as well.

And are you feelin' lucky, punk?

Or have you banked these dudies?

Do I feel lucky, punk?

I always worry... ..when I've bought something.

I always think... VO: A great start.

These two are like chalk and cheese.

Let battle commence.

..together, I might, ..you know, have two lots, I might... VO: Happy with his wares, Paul is heading to the stunning village of Saltaire.

He's heard it's the home of a rather unusual museum - a fantastic collection of harmoniums.

VO: These instruments were first invented in Paris, in 1845.

This particular collection was started in 1976 by husband and wife Pamela and Phil Fluke - must be lucky - and they haven't stopped since.

These special organs produce sound by pushing air through a variety of reeds.

And different sized reeds determine the different notes.

When, then, did you get into this wonderful building?

PHIL: Well, I've been here for about 26 years, because you got 28 in the house, you see, with four children...

So we thought "We better do something about this", for the children's sake, if nothing else.

VO: This very grand organ dates back to the early 1860s.

So... ..you have all these different sounds on it, you see.

And then on the bottom keyboard you have the...

The bellows are good - you don't need to pump them too hard.

PAUL: Now I know more about the mechanicals...

Yes.

..and the acoustics, but as an item of cabinet making, it just cries out "rich, beyond belief".

PHIL: It does.

And making music for the rich and famous, really, at that time.

PAUL: Indeed.

This is Elton John's residence, isn't it?

In 1865.

It would've been, yes!

VO: But it's not all glitz and glamour.

PHIL: Now, I referred to the fact that they were actually used everywhere, and one of the things that you said was that there was the use maybe in the trenches, and of course, you couldn't use a big instrument in the trenches - you'd have a very small, portable instrument like this.

And this was used by Captain Beddington Behrens in the trenches in the first war.

How utterly poignant is that?

So we've got - Dare I say?

- decadence in 1862, and in 1914-18, the contrast with Captain Beddington... PHIL: ..Behrens.

PHIL: He survived and so did his little portable harmonium.

PHIL: They will have used it for services and they will have used it whilst they were trying to keep their spirits up.

If you see any harmoniums, you will let us know, won't you?

You rest assured, I know the man.

Cheers.

PAUL: Bye PHIL: See you now.

Thank you.

VO: While Paul's been tinkling with the ivories, Thomas is heading south.

VO: From Skipton, he's heading down the road to Hebden Bridge, a nice meander across the moors to this pretty market town, nestling in the Upper Calder Valley.

THOMAS: Hello.

PETER: Hi there.

THOMAS: Hi, I'm Thomas.

Hi, I'm Peter.

Pleased to meet you.

Peter.

Nice to meet you, Peter.

Nice to meet you.

This is Trish.

Hi, Trish.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

JADE: Hi, I'm Jade.

VO: There's nothing like being greeted by all the dealers.

So no pressure then.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

VO: Thomas, I think you're being watched.

They're all staring, every time I look at something.

It's quite intimidating.

I wanna have a look over here.

THOMAS: I'm busting for a pee.

VO: Why not escape downstairs then?

I feel like I'm being stared at.

I'm a bit w...

I guess I want to sort of be left to my own thoughts, have a good look.

VO: I'm sure they just want to be helpful (not).

Stop the paranoia, Thomas, and just get on and find something.

Can you see that?

Look at that red drop in there.

VO: This Italian Murano vase is only made on one island, close to Venice, so it's highly sought after.

So with the light coming through it, it just looks stunning.

I want it to be, for me, to buy, to make money out of, half the price it is.

He's got £50 on it.

I want it to be 25.

Look, there's these...what they call "nibbles", "flea bites".

It's got be at least 30 quid off, hasn't it?

VO: Unbelievably, the only dealer not in the shop is the owner of that vase.

THOMAS: So this belongs to a man called Henry.

DEALER: Yes.

THOMAS: Can you give him a call?

DEALER: We certainly can, yes.

Let's see... Three, three flea bites.

Just make sure you keep on mentioning that to him - three flea bites.

So he's...

It's a tenner a bite.

TRISH: Hello, Henry.

It's Trish here.

Three flea bites.

Don't forget that, Trish.

TRISH: Yep... Three flea bites, three flea bites.

TRISH: He's gonna let you have it for 40.

THOMAS: We want Less, less, less, less, less.

Eh...can you, can you do a little bit better?

Maybe 35?

THOMAS: 30.

30.

OK, thanks for that.

Bye bye.

TRISH: He said he's let you have it for 32.

VO: Well, that's a deal, then, isn't it, Henry?

And what better way to end the day than speeding along in their super-suave Spider?

PAUL: I'm loving this, seeing the world, cruising in a cool car, with a dude like yourself.

PAUL: I'm cool with that.

That's excellent.

VO: It's day two and our intrepid duo have made an excellent start.

Paul has spent £120 on a sword, bayonet, police cape and one stoup for free.

Thomas has been more careful.

He too has bought four things - a cannon, brooch, boot pull and vase - but he spent only £64.

PAUL: Cheers, buddy.

Look - wherever you're going, have a good 'un.

THOMAS: Yeah.

I shall see you later.

THOMAS: Buy something decent - but not too good!

PAUL: Yeah!

You spend some money!

THOMAS: Yeah, alright!

VO: With £80 burning away in his pocket, he heads to Carlton Antiques.

PAUL: Hello there!

MALCOLM: Hello, Paul!

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

VO: With hardly a pause to greet shop owner, Malcolm Gray, he's off.

PAUL: It's a pigeon timing clock.

Northern counties - pigeon fancying land?

I don't know.

Um...it is what it is.

I see no issues.

PAUL: So, quirky collectible.

But here's the punch line - it's priced at £16.

How badly wrong can I go at £16?

I think I'll bank that.

That might be alright.

May not be sexy but it may be profitable.

I think it'd be difficult not to make profit on that.

PAUL: Surely.

VO: But not satisfied with just one find, Paul is off to hunt down more.

Pigeon timing clock, pigeon timing clock.

It's all about the money.

I think there's money in it.

But there's one other thing I walked past - I don't think you saw me looking at it.

A Bakelite folding cake stand.

VO: What's more, there is a cake revolution a-happening, and cupcakes are all the rage.

So Malcolm, um...there are two things I'd like to discuss with you, if I may.

PAUL: One - pigeon timing clock.

Yes.

PAUL: OK?

And over here, what I want to buy is the smart, period, Bakelite piece.

But...you and I both know, in a general sale it's going make between £30 and £50, and at 40, that's a gamble.

I think I did enough of that yesterday!

MALCOLM: Aye, OK!

Right.

PAUL: Um...there's no way you can't make a phone call, that couldn't be 30?

I don't want to waste your time, but if there's any glimmer of hope...

I don't think you've chance at 30, but I can make a phone call.

OK. We'll ask the question.

MALCOLM: Yeah.

PAUL: Yeah.

Alright.

Leave it with me.

Thanks very much, Malcolm.

I appreciate it.

Right.

OK. No is the answer.

Yeah.

Alright.

Bye.

That was the comedy "Raa-raa- raa-raa-raa-raa-raa-raa".

He would be happy with 40 but he thinks that's...

I...I...I'm not disputing that.

Um... ..16.

What's that now, to buy?

MALCOLM: Well, well, 15.

Yeah, I'm not gonna argue with that.

Yeah, OK.

Thanks very much.

Thanks for trying with the cake stand.

No, well, we try and do our best, but not always it works.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Bought my four things but I still want the Bakelite, and it is priced right.

Do I go all in, blow the money?

VO: That's a bit risky, to blow nearly your whole budget, but I do love a gambler.

What the hell - life's too short!

Yup, yup.

Yup, that's the right decision.

I'm having that.

PAUL: Thank you, Malcolm.

A real pleasure.

MALCOLM: You're welcome.

My pleasure as well.

Next time.

VO: So with five items bought, ready for the auction, Paul can now relax.

In total, he's spent £175 - nearly all his budget.

Thanks very much.

You're welcome.

VO: As for Thomas, he seems to be missing in action.

He's supposed to be cruising in his Alfa Romeo, from Saltaire to Shibden Hall.

VO: Well, he hasn't got that far.

Thomas doesn't have much luck with classic cars, and I'm not sure he can fix them.

THOMAS: I wonder if it's got a spare.

Now, the thing is, this is the boot and... like all things Italian... it's a bit sexy.

But I don't know how to get in there.

VO: Steady on, Tom.

Why not try under the passenger seat?

Let's hope there's a spare.

Huh.

Hang on - sometimes there's... Oh, look at that!

What do we have here?

A spare.

Not just a pretty face.

VO: Time to get in the pit-stop and get greasy.

When I first passed my test, and being a farmer's son, my dad made us change tires.

Immediately.

Look at that dirty, great, big hole Impressed, huh?

I think we're done.

Formula 1, they do it in seconds, but they've got all the gear.

Thomas Plant does it in 20 minutes.

I'm, you know... VO: Who knew Thomas was so handy, eh?

And his shirt is impressively unruffled.

Now, back to the road trip.

Here's hoping Thomas can make up some can make up some time at his next stop - Shibden Hall.

VO: On the outside, this stunning 600 year old house looks quintessentially "Old England".

But we're not here just to see the house but to find out about its most famous occupant - Anne Lister.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Thomas.

I'm Claire.

Nice to meet you.

I'm one of the curators here.

So if you'd like to come in, we can show you round.

Oh, please.

Thank you very much.

So, Claire, this is Shibden Hall.

It is, yes.

This is one of the original parts of the great hall, but much of the decoration that you can see now was actually worked on by Anne Lister, who is one of the key players in the history of the hall.

VO: Born in 1791, Anne Lister was an extraordinary lady - a shrewd landowner, traveler and an unabashed lover of ladies, who wrote about all her affairs.

She actually was a very extensive diarist.

She wrote huge numbers of diaries.

We have 27 volumes, four million words.

CLAIRE: And in these she records every single aspect of her daily life and the weather, national politics, things like what she ate and what she wore.

But the interesting thing was a sixth of these diaries was actually in code.

VO: Well, that's not surprising.

Pretty fruity!

In those times, her revelations would have been shocking.

THOMAS: So, fair enough - she wanted to live with women rather than men, and in this day and age there are no issues.

Rightfully so.

However, you mentioned that she was here in 1815.

Firstly, it's quite surprising - a lot of women she approached were very actually favorable to her advances, and these were married women, single women, younger women, older women.

You know, she was clearly quite a charmer.

This is another picture that we actually have of Anne Lister, which isn't quite so flattering as the portrait downstairs.

CLAIRE: There is a certain five o'clock shadow there!

CLAIRE: She was very masculine.

She chose to only wear black.

CLAIRE: People did see her as very masculine.

CLAIRE: But I don't think she saw that as a problem.

Having said that, she was actually quite sexist herself in some ways - like she didn't necessarily think that girls should be educated, although she wanted to educate herself.

THOMAS: Yeah, yeah.

So she was quite a contrasting person.

She wasn't a feminist, really, by any stretch of the imagination.

She liked women in their place!

THOMAS: Oh, right, yeah.

And did she like pretty girls?

CLAIRE: Oh, she did like pretty girls, yes.

CLAIRE: Definitely!

You can't have it all, can you?

You can't have your cake and eat it.

No, not at all, no.

She definitely liked the pretty ladies.

VO: Anne didn't have a one track mind though.

In fact, she was quite an academic.

THOMAS: So is this sort of Anne's folly?

Em, it's a very sad story, actually, about it.

It was her tower library but she never got to use it.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

I've seen lots of libraries but my first to a tower library.

CLAIRE: Yes.

VO: While it was being built, Anne was traveling through Russia.

But she became seriously ill and died there, never to see Shibden Hall again.

VO: Like the library, the rest of the house is also beautifully preserved, even with original Elizabethan friezes in the main bedroom.

VO: Back in the Great Hall, Claire reveals more about Anne and one of her main lovers, Marianne Lawton.

CLAIRE: In this coded extract, when she's talking to Marianne, she says "Her letter seems as if she though of me affectionately.

Does she half regret...repent the break between us?

So Marianne was...but really the love of her life, and I think she never, to some degree, got over her.

She was an absolutely remarkable woman and certainly deserves more interest than she has.

VO: Well, after that eye-watering visit, Thomas will have to floor that accelerator.

VO: He's running late and still has one more shop to go to, this time in Cawthorne... ..a traditional village in South Yorkshire, where Karen Rowe runs Cawthorne Antiques Hello.

KAREN: Hello, Thomas.

I'm Thomas.

Well, Karen, very nice to meet you.

I can see, because you've got Karen written on there.

THOMAS: How many stall holders?

Approximately about 100.

Oh, wow.

Well, I'm sure to find something.

I've got a bit of money to spend.

I've been quite mean recently.

So let's see.

I want to have a good scoot around first and then sort of focus in.

VO: Yes, focus Thomas - no time to dawdle, as Paul has finished and is on his way.

Oh, wow - look.

A real costume place in here, isn't it?

THOMAS: You never know - I might find myself another hat.

Paul Laidlaw, you'd better watch out, cuz I'm here to declare war.

VO: Oh, Lawd!

I'm not sure that Paul actually is that fussed!

I've got to behave myself - buying something to try and make a profit on.

There's a little box.

It's lovely, isn't it?

It's sweet.

It's such nice work.

THOMAS: It's got these sort of little...enamel pebbles, just here.

VO: It's beautifully made, and selling for £35.

It was probably used as a spice box.

That's my top item so far.

Not the most valuable.

If you could phone them and find out what their very, very best is.

But would you mind?

Not at all.

Great.

Thank you.

Yep.

Thank you.

Right.

Now, that box...it's silver gilt.

Silver gilt means it's silver, with a gold plate around it.

But it's really nice.

Nicest thing.

VO: Having a nice time, Paul?!

If I got it for 25, that would be really good.

I reckon it could make 50.

THOMAS: Mm.

KAREN: Thanks.

Thanks, John.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

25 on the little box.

THOMAS: 25?

Twenty fi... Really?

Oh.

Yeah, I'll have that.

Definitely.

No question.

VO: Tremendous last buy, Thomas.

Now, go and find Paul.

He's been waiting a while.

Oh, here he comes.

Honey!

I'm home!

How are you doing, Paul?

PAUL: Are you taking this seriously enough?

What do you mean?

PAUL: You're not rushing this, are you?!

THOMAS: I bought one item.

PAUL: What?!

Just in here.

I thought you were getting the next 10 or 15 in!

No, no - one item.

But you know, Paul, today I've been a bit of a mechanic.

I've replaced a tire... Oh, what?!

Do you know...?

You've got to feel for me.

Aw...

There, man.

Right there.

Seriously.

Tire.

Come on, start the car, then!

Come on.

VO: Now, let's see how they fare at that all important reveal moment.

Now, be kind to each other, gentlemen.

So, Paul, as you're the newbie, I suggest that you go first.

THOMAS: A cake stand.

Yeah, but Thomas, what's it made out of?

It's made out of Bakelite.

PAUL: It is.

That's a bit sexy, isn't it, Bakelite?

It's alright.

There's still a following for it.

Yeah.

Now, let me guess how much you paid for it.

£25.

PAUL: Oh... THOMAS: No?

More?

PAUL: Oh, yeah.

How much?

Go on.

PAUL: 40.

THOMAS: £40?

Yeah.

What was the ticket?

PAUL: Oh... 48.

THOMAS: £8.

And it was hard work.

God, that sounds like hard work.

PAUL: That was...aye.

I wanted it for 30, and it was getting aggressive.

THOMAS: One of mine?

PAUL: Go for it.

A fortress and moss agate jewel.

I see it, yup, yup, yup.

THOMAS: 19th century.

PAUL: That is a nice agate specimen.

PAUL: Very comfortable with that.

THOMAS: It is a nice specimen.

You know, nice, nice.

Now, what would you put that in for sale?

PAUL: Ah...32.50 THOMAS: £10.

PAUL: No!

THOMAS: Yeah, £10.

PAUL: You... THOMAS: What's your next one?

PAUL: OK, what is my next one?

THOMAS: Oh!

THOMAS: This is one lot, is it?

PAUL: Let's get rid of this.

This is one lot?

Yeah.

So, we have a swordstick... PAUL: Mm-hm.

And the bayonet.

Yeah.

US, First World War.

As issued to the Home Guard in the Second World War.

THOMAS: Where they?

PAUL: Yeah.

That's something I have learnt today.

PAUL: Lend-lease.

What are you estimating those at?

That's worth £80-£120, at auction estimate.

About that, sort of £100-£150.

Just a tad lean.

I paid 100 quid for it.

For the both, together?

80; 20.

You've got a very good chance of making a profit.

Right, one of mine.

Another one of mine.

It's ebony.

Yep.

THOMAS: Lovely.

It's a nice piece of turned word.

Now you're going to tell me you've seen tens of those!

You got that for nothing, though, didn't you?

It's not me.

That's just, that just, that's just...craft fair garbage.

You think that's craft fair garbage?

VO: Oof!

That must have hurt!

You see, I didn't think it was craft.

THOMAS: Now you've said that is a bit of craft fair tat, that's got me worried.

It might do £10 or £20, do you think?

Really?

I think that's quite quirky.

PAUL: I've just been pretty malicious about your... Yeah, I know you've been malicious about it!

Here is your chance for vengeance.

THOMAS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PAUL: Right?

Oh... ..what have you got here?!

What?

Honestly, it was in the Mediterranean.

The guy said a trawler man dredged it up!

This is brand new.

No, no, honestly.

I actually scraped the barnacles off it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you pay for it?

A pound?

Nothing.

You got it for free?

Got it for free.

THOMAS: I can't believe you called my cannon craft ware toots!

There we are.

PAUL: Mm.

THOMAS: Just a boot pull.

Boot puller.

THOMAS: But I thought it was quite a nice turned bone handle... PAUL: Yeah... ..which could be taken off and made into...for a corkscrew.

And, you know, that's all is.

THOMAS: I mean, you know, you can't say fairer than that.

THOMAS: Is it one of these pigeon clocks?

Yep.

Where are we selling?

Sheffield.

Yorkshire.

Yeah, yeah, they're all pigeon fanciers.

I paid £15.

£15?

It's alright, isn't it?

It's fine.

That's fine.

PAUL: Should be good.

Like that.

Yeah, I like...

I adore... PAUL: This is...this is...starting to happen.

Now, that cost me the same amount as my three items put together - £32.

Oh, yeah.

What's that, then?

A police cape.

PAUL: Yep.

What size is it?

Is it a small?

I think we're getting a bit technical now, Tom!

Yeah, well, that's the whole thing, isn't it?

Cuz these people like to wear these things.

Because the thing is, what is it going to be now?

It's for a girl, isn't it?

You take these off and it's a piece of fashion item on the Portobello Road.

I hope you're right.

THOMAS: This is my final item.

OK...

The words "laugh", "are", "having" and "you"... PAUL: What?!

What?!

It's silver gilt.

Did you pop in at some ethnic market on the way here, Thomas?!

THOMAS: It's a good thing.

I like... VO: I think you can safely say Paul hates it.

PAUL: So this cost you... THOMAS: 25 quid.

Marked at 35.

You're losing money on that, Thomas.

THOMAS: I don't think I am losing money on that... Gimme a hug, big man!

I think it's a good thing.

I can't believe you've been so rude about...

I can't believe I'm being so smug, because that's gonna crash and burn and you're gonna turn a profit, and I'm gonna have to eat the table!

VO: So, what are your totals then, chaps?

THOMAS: So I spent a total of... PAUL: It better be three figures.

No.

89.

I spent £175, Tom.

THOMAS: You're kidding me.

In for a penny!

I like that about you.

You've really played the game.

That's brilliant.

VO: Thomas, you look a little ruffled, old fruit.

I... How do you think I would feel after that?

I'd feel like I've been... through the mill, you know?

It's like being told off by a strict headmaster!

I'm feeling confident that Thomas won't make a killing.

But am I feeling confident that I will?

It's a lottery, isn't it, when it goes to auction?

He could still wash his face and I could lose £50.

VO: It's auction day and our experts are on the final leg of today's road trip.

VO: With the wind in their hair they've traveled from Skipton to Saltaire, Hebden Bridge to Shibden Hall, and now their booty is about to go under the hammer in Sheffield.

THOMAS: Well, this is nice.

This is lovely.

PAUL: Yeah.

Do you sail, Paul?

I do not.

Close to the wind sometimes, but only metaphorically.

VO: And doing the honors today is Sheffield Auction Gallery.

Hope you're feeling lucky boys.

THOMAS: Well driven, Paul.

We're here.

Sheffield Auction Galleries.

What's it doing for you?

How are you feeling, Thomas?

THOMAS: I've been having sleepless nights.

I felt like I was in the headmaster's study there, getting six of the best!

Yeah.

Plant, must try harder next term.

Yeah!

Must try harder, Laidlaw!

VO: Oh, stop worrying Thomas.

Maybe Robert Lea, the auctioneer, liked your stuff.

Maybe not.

Hi, I'm Thomas.

ROBERT: Hi, Thomas.

Nice to meet you.

Paul Laidlaw.

ROBERT: Paul.

PAUL: Pleased to meet you.

Hiya.

My name's Robert.

Have our pieces turned up?

Are they here alright?

Safe and sound, so far.

Intact, so far.

We just need the buyers here for 'em.

Have they warmed the cockles of your heart?

It's the sword stick and the bayonet.

They usually do good money.

THOMAS: It's 100 years old, is it, the sword stick.

Didn't I tell you, the minute I saw this man, that I thought "What a lovely guy!

What a good auctioneer!"

PAUL: Knows his stuff!

Who do you think's going to win out of us two?

I don't like to look at you in the face, Tom, but I think it's gonna be Paul.

VO: Oh, well.

Never mind.

VO: Now, take your pews everyone - the show is about to begin.

VO: First up, and one that should get Thomas off to a good start, is his Italian Murano vase.

ROBERT: 277A, a Murano glass sommerso vase of square shape.

Nice, very tactile.

Nice item this.

Forced to start the bid at £20 on commission.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ROBERT: 22.

25.

28.

PAUL: Go on.

ROBERT: I'm out.

Who's on 30?

28.

30?

32.

35.

38.

Oh, go on.

Too soon to be out.

£35 on my left, it's a standing bid.

Anybody else at £38?

PAUL: That's alright.

THOMAS: Not really.

ROBERT: 38, new bid.

THOMAS: Go on.

ROBERT: 40, sir?

38 in checks so far.

It must be 40 to progress.

ROBERT: At £40, he's back in.

42.

THOMAS: For me, for me!

ROBERT: 45.

He's weakening, a no.

42 in checks.

ROBERT: Anybody else for 45?

We're going on, it's gonna go.

ROBERT: All done at 42.

Hammer's gonna drop.

Last look.

Go on!

All done at 42...

He's got it.

ROBERT: VO: £10 profit.

Before commission.

That isn't bad.

But now for the dreaded fake stone stoup.

Lot number 318A.

318A.

Composition neo-classical sconce...stoup.

What a beauty!

£20 for it.

What?!

Fiver away.

Quickly.

£5 for it.

Five bid in white.

Let's have eight elsewhere.

Come on, surely.

Neo-classical.

ROBERT: Must be eight to progress.

Surely £8.

Feel like I'm giving this away.

Anybody else... Well, it was free!

Somebody else gave it away.

ROBERT: Anybody else in?

All done at five.

£8.

10, sir.

12, please?

Oh... ROBERT: 15.

18.

15, top of the shop, original bidder.

Anybody else for 18?

It's gonna go.

All done at 15 pound.

It's gone.

VO: Unbelievable.

£15 profit for Paul's freebie.

How do you feel about that?

Um...relieved.

What do you mean "relieved"?

Grateful.

There is a God.

Grateful?

Gra...

It was free!

You get your reward in Heaven.

Oh, you're now giving out Heaven gifts now, again.

Heaven gifts... VO: Thomas, you should say some prayers.

It's your silver gilt box next.

ROBERT: Lot number 362A, continental, silver gilt, enamel oval box and cover, with enamel and filigree pull off legs.

1900.

What a beauty.

Thank you!

ROBERT: Yeah.

30 pound for it?

30 pound for it?

Come on.

ROBERT: 30 I've got to kick us off.

Oh, how did you get away with that?!

Must be 32.

A lovely little box, this patch pill box... Go on!

You can put your rings in it!

THOMAS: Studs.

Dressing table.

ROBERT: It's a good lot, this one.

THOMAS: Go on.

ROBERT: From a good source.

Thank you.

Anybody else for 32?

There is.

35.

38.

40.

42.

ROBERT: 45.

48.

ROBERT: 45.

Young man's bid so far.

All done at 45 pound... VO: So, you were right, all along, Thomas.

Well done.

PAUL: ..off to you there.

What did you make on it?

20 quid?

£20.

What?!

What?!

VO: Now for the pretty agate brooch.

ROBERT: 20 pound is the opening bid.

It must be 22 to move on.

20 so far.

Go on.

PAUL: It's a nice brooch.

ROBERT: Got to be twenty... ROBERT: Got to be 22 elsewhere to move on.

ROBERT: 20 pound.

Anybody else want it for 22?

ROBERT: It's gonna sell on commission.

Anybody else?

It's gonna go... ROBERT: Or, does it go on?

It's selling.

22.

THOMAS: Yes.

Looking for 25 now.

Go on.

ROBERT: I'll take it slowly.

THOMAS: Thank you!

ROBERT: Anybody else for 25?

22 in checks.

It's gonna sell at 22.

Hammer's gonna drop.

VO: Not bad.

You made £12.

Bought for just £20, next up is the police cape.

Now, where are the fashionistas in the house?

"Give us a twirl, Anthea"!

ROBERT: Vintage police cape.

What a beauty!

It's got that big pocket, where they used to put their big truncheons.

ROBERT: Forced to start the bidding...

Very fashionable.

ROBERT: ..at 15.

18.

20 pound.

22.

I'm out.

ROBERT: Who's on 25?

I'm out too soon.

25.

28.

30 pound.

ROBERT: 32.

35, sir.

38.

40.

42.

THOMAS: Doesn't strike me as a Portobello Road fashionista.

ROBERT: 48.

THOMAS: £48!

ROBERT: 50.

THOMAS: 50.

ROBERT: 55.

ROBERT: Was it a bid, madam?

55?

60.

ROBERT: 65.

God, you did well!

ROBERT: 60 with the gentleman so far.

Anybody else want to join in?

Are we done?

VO: Yes.

Must have been the way it was modeled.

£40 profit.

'Ello, 'ello!

For the military men out there, Paul's sword and bayonet were bought for £100.

Nice little military lot, this one.

ROBERT: Lots of interest on commission.

£90 is your opening bid.

95.

100.

105.

110 on commission.

Anybody else on 115?

PAUL: Expensive.

ROBERT: All done at 110?

ROBERT: Bid now or lose them.

Finally at £110.

VO: Can't grumble.

It's not a loss.

VO: Let's hope the pricey cake stand has more luck.

ROBERT: Looks mahogany from here but it's actually Bakelite.

£50 for it.

Unusual thing, this.

30 is your opening bid.

ROBERT: 32 I'm after.

32.

35.

38.

40 pound.

42.

Central bid at 42.

Well done.

Well done.

ROBERT: Must be 45 to go on.

ROBERT: Won't be many of these kicking around.

ROBERT: All done at 42 pound.

Hammer's gonna drop.

VO: Not a massive winner but crumbly.

No shame, no shame.

I woulda liked money in the bank... ROBERT: Lot number 457A, Edwardian bone and steel boot pull, with a turned bone handle on chrome steel shaft, marked "Made in England".

That'll be quality.

Yeah, of course, obviously!

ROBERT: £20 for it.

Eight is your opening bid.

10 I'm after.

Must be a tenner.

Anybody for 10?

ROBERT: 10 bid.

Let's go 12.

Let's go 12, surely.

10 only.

THOMAS: A nice turned handle.

ROBERT: Anybody in for 12?

Very nice turned handle.

ROBERT: Who will bid up to 12?

Go on.

It's gonna go.

All done at 10.

Are we finished at 10?

VO: Well, you've doubled your money, Thomas.

Now the clock, one of three in the sale.

Is there such a thing as pigeon overload?

£20 for it.

PAUL: Yeah.

THOMAS: Go on.

Tenner.

Oh... 10 bid.

12.

15.

18.

20.

22?

ROBERT: Too soon to be out.

20 with the lady so far.

I seen a pigeon do about £16,000 the other day.

ROBERT: 20 pound only.

22.

Pigeon'll be dead before this.

ROBERT: All done at 20 pound to 202.

The hammer's gonna drop.

Are we finished?

VO: You just scraped home there, Paul.

Now the final lot, and the one Thomas has been dreading.

ROBERT: Yeah, a quirky, unusual little thing, that, isn't it?

We've got blast-off at 20 pound.

Who's on 22?

22.

Let's have 25.

Let's have 25, surely.

Front row at 22 only.

Good little thing, this.

ROBERT: Anybody else for 25?

It's gonna go.

ROBERT: Anybody else interested, apart from the front row?

No?!

ROBERT: All done at 22 pound.

Finished?

Is that it?

At £22?

VO: After the trashing Paul gave it, at least it made a fiver.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Tom, I've got one word - "phew"!

Loosening the tie!

Loose... Why don't you go open-necked, now, down to the navel?

I'll do it.

Just undo that corset for me!

No, no, no, I'm not gonna go anywhere near... VO: So, how have our road trippers done?

VO: To round up the numbers: Thomas started this leg with £200, and after auction costs, he made £26.62 at the sale, which means he ends round one with £226.62.

ROBERT: Buyer!

VO: Paul also started with £200 but steamed ahead with his cape, and made £27.54 in all, leaving him with a total of £227.54 to spend on the next part of their trip.

VO: A stunning start, and they're just getting warmed up.

THOMAS: Come on.

Where to now?

PAUL: No idea.

You were...you're navigating!

THOMAS: Right.

Where's my map?

VO: In fact, they're going to be traveling down to Derbyshire.

VO: After visits to pump stations... Like that, yeah?

VO: ..and pork pie shops... BAKER: Do you bake at home?

PAUL: No.

I'm a baking jessie.

VO: ..the competition starts to get vicious.

I mean, I like the whip as well, cuz I thought about whipping Laidlaw with it.

Oh, that would be good!

PAUL: I'm totally chancing it now with this one, OK?

You're gonna laugh at this...or just slap me in the face.

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