♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪ Oh, just bugger off.

(GRUNTS) Oh, God.

Why do you have to just lie there?

Why can't you be more dog-like?

You know, why can't you bark a bit?

Kill!

JOCK: We're half an hour behind already.

Alright, mate?

Bloody hippies.

I hate that man.

He's so sinister, he's like, he's like a murderer or something.

Mum, you'd have been so proud of me.

I really, like, gave him the evils.

You know, and you could tell he was a bit, like, ohh.

Good, good.

I've gotta go out and feed that bloody psychopathic turkey, and I don't want to go out with him there.

Especially not dressed like this, better put this on.

Mum, you have to lead your normal life.

You can't let people like that intimidate you.

Yes, you're right.

You're right.

'Cause it's this lack of privacy that I'm fighting for.

Against.

Which is it?

Mum, please don't get dementia now.

I'm too young.

I've got my whole life ahead of me.

I'm gonna have a bath.

Oh, and the turkey's got out.

You're gonna have to take a stick.

Oh, God.

MAN: Hey, hey, come on.

Oh, my God, I look like Cynthia Payne.

TASH: Is she one of the Guild?

If only.

She was an elderly madam who used to whip politicians into shape.

Okay, turkey, here I come.

Maybe you can try and drum up some business out there.

We need the money.

Turkey.

Turkey Lurkey, come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

-(JOCK YELLS IN DISTANCE) -(OBJECT CLATTERS) Go on.

(INDISTINCT) -Go on, move.

Move!

-(GOBBLES) -Morning.

-Morning.

I can't get in the house because the turkey won't let me.

I wonder why.

Don't be clever, just move it, will you?

(GOBBLES) -I am actually a nurse.

-Ah.

Who you talking to, Mother?

First client of the day?

That van's got to move.

Actually, that van hasn't got a battery so it may be there for some time.

Travelers' rights.

I'm not asking you to move it, darling.

I'm telling you, it's moving.

-(ENGINE REVVING) -(SCREAMS) (TURKEY GOBBLES) Stop!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Bloody hell, are you giving me a spanking?

I beg your pardon, I am actually a nurse.

Is everything broken, love?

TASH: It's not actually broken, but it's all, like, like, one end now.

Oh.

Mum, I think you should go back in the house now, you look weird.

Do I?

Bloody hairy-arsed lumps.

I suppose this is what I've gotta put up with now, is it?

No more bloody privacy.

Bugger it.

I've gleaned more information from my box set of The Wire, borrowed from my grandson, Timothy, than all the booklets and the stuff from the interweb.

So, what be drugs?

Well, a drug is a substance that when absorbed into the body, alters its function and it makes you go a little bit funny.

Well, I've experienced that... What is it, Eileen?

I saw what happened this morning, Sal, shocking.

Thank you, Eileen.

Those bloody builders are vandals.

Less of the "bloodys," please, Sal.

No, I mean you.

Dressed like goodness knows what and swearing like a trooper.

Oh.

(PAULINE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Am I right in saying he's moved the van closer to the house?

SAL: Yeah.

God love you, you'll never be rid of them now.

I know.

I wanted them blocking the gate.

That's you.

Always up for a fight, never make things easier for yourself.

As you can see on the table in front of me, I've got all this paraphernalia.

Janine from the Spar, she's let me have this bongo, or bong?

And this spoon.

And there's rolling papers here for us to have a go.

Have you seen him yet?

-Who?

-Charles Dance.

I've got my autograph book.

No, and I hope I never do.

With his complexion, there's a good chance of that.

Here, give us a look.

-Here.

-Who's that?

I don't know.

Hmm.

Okay, next one.

-Who's that?

-Oh... Ooh, that's, um, it's not Mr.

Pastry.

I don't know, I don't know.

-But that-that's me, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

Rosie Bales, yeah, and that's Margaret on the bottom.

You can tell, 'cause she's written, "Shut up, Rosie."

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Yeah.

It's the same with Jethro, I wrote that.

But that is his actual name, Jeth Ro.

But you wrote it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I've got my eye on you, Sal Vine.

As a representative of the Guild, you know what I mean.

Less of this funny business with Charles Dance in the offing.

(PAULINE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Have you got an offing?

ROSIE: She's certainly got her hands full with all them builders coming up her back way.

(ROSIE AND TIP LAUGH) EILEEN: Rosie.

Ladies, where are your morals?

Where they don't get in the way of a good joke.

I wish you didn't find this so funny.

(LAUGHING) I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Right, well, I'm going to work.

EILEEN: Work?

Yes.

You don't go to the surgery on a Wednesday.

I work, Eileen.

Yeah, she works.

See ya later.

Oh, are you done, darlin'?

Well, thank you, Pauline, for that mind-blowing talk.

I think we shall just open it to the floor for questions.

TIP: Oh, right.

Do you have any crystal meth on that table?

'Cause I quite fancy some of that.

Yeah, you're always up for the quack, aren't you?

The quack, you see what I did there, Eileen?

-TIP: That's very funny.

-ROSIE: I'm on it, aren't I, today?

-Yeah, quack.

-Crack.

-Very funny, Rosie.

-WOMAN: Yeah.

No, I-I've got crystal meth at home.

-Really?

-Yeah, it's in the fridge.

-Oh, yeah?

-I actually prefer it to Dom Pérignon.

Oh, sensible, ladies, please.

Now, I think that we should call this to a close, Pauline, because the clock is upon us again.

Thank you, my dear.

Now, then, much to discuss at the next meeting.

As you know, the Guild, the big national, great wheel of the Guild, that is, is, is anxious that the smaller wheels get involved in the big national issues of the day, such as the sex trade and pounds and ounces, etc.

I have to tell you, I haven't got another talk in me.

Can I do one, Eileen?

On cheese?

I am trying to handle professionals, dear.

Ohh!

But you never get anybody.

How dare you?

I am trying for the highest quality.

And agents are a nightmare to deal with.

That's wonderful.

You've got the blood pressure of a teenager.

-You're fine.

-Thank you.

Oh, that's okay.

And don't forget your cream.

Bye, gorgeous.

Hmm.

(SAL HUMMING) There you go.

(HUMMING CONTINUES) Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Okay, if you just press on that, that'll be fine.

-Thank you very much.

-Alright.

See you next week.

-Yes, bye-bye.

-Oh.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Sal.

-Hi.

Hello.

-Hiya, Sal.

I've brought you the old Rolodex notes from the surgery, thought they might be some use.

Oh, brilliant.

Well, a little light reading before bedtime if nothing else.

My God, James would kill me if he knew.

Ah, but he won't know.

That's Jock out there, innit?

-Yeah.

-He is big, isn't he?

(LAUGHS) -He's a big ugly brute.

-Oh.

Oh, Jim!

So sorry, I forgot you were in there.

Okay, see you next week.

Oh, my God, he'll be dead by Wednesday.

-Ah, yeah.

-(LAUGHTER) Oh, Sal, do I need to do a pee for you?

-No.

-ROSIE: Oh, right.

Well, I'll do this one for myself, then.

Is he here at all today?

-Who?

-Charles Dance.

-No, not today.

-Oh.

Do you think he'll give me an autograph?

Would you like to have a look at my book?

Yeah, you would, that.

(GASPS) Look.

-Who's that one?

-That's Noel Edmonds, that is.

And who's on the next page?

Oh!

Dame Kelly Holmes.

That's the one what won the Olympics, you know, with the fast running.

-Who's that?

-(GASPS) Look who that is, Queen Noor.

And that's Michael Jackson.

(GASPS) -Bloody woman.

-Who?

Her in that house.

Lady Muck.

Comings and goings all morning.

-What, Sal?

-Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) What's going on?

No, don't, don't ask me, 'cause I can't say.

No, I can't say.

-Why?

-No, I can't say, right, 'cause it's a secret.

Don't, don't, don't, don't make me say it, don't make me.

Is she... No, don't, don't.

Alright, listen, I'll tell you what she isn't, right?

What she isn't, right, is a nurse, if you know what I mean?

Is she a prostitute?

Yeah.

Is she?

Is she?

So why do you think you're not sleeping?

I have no idea, I'm...

I'm just aware that I'm not.

I mean, when one is sleeping, one can't ask why one is, and when one isn't, or, or can't, it's... the burning question that literally keeps one awaker than one was.

Have you got anything on your mind?

Yes, generally.

Hasn't everybody?

I mean, anything serious on your mind?

(SIGHS) Look, I just need something to help me sleep.

You know what the gossip's like round here, you go into the surgery with a sore throat, you come out with syphilis.

You see, I-I can't prescribe anything.

Haven't... Haven't you got something?

Oh, yes, hang on.

I've got some old ones of mine, I think they'll be okay for you.

-(SIGHS) -Here they are.

Right, okay, now, you have to take them a while before you go to sleep, but they will do the trick.

Oh, 2006.

They'll be alright, they'll be fine.

EILEEN (SINGSONGY): Sal!

-Oh, Sal.

-SAL: Hi.

Oh!

Was that the vicar I saw going out the back?

Yes, no, yes, well, yes, but, no.

I mean, no, no, he was just here for a chat.

Ohh!

What is it you want, Eileen?

Um, nothing, uh, Sal... Oh, Sal.

You've completely swamped your filler, you've overextended your greens.

I don't know.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to be asking Jock to, to convey an invitation to Charles Dance to speak in the near future at a meeting.

And?

And I don't want any more trouble from you on this matter.

Eileen, I haven't got anything against him.

I just don't want bloody builders out there for a year and someone's driveway there.

I mean, if you'd be interested in canvassing, we'd be glad to have you.

Right, well, thank you, Tim.

And you are one of us, I suppose?

-Lib Dem.

-Well, with leanings.

Pardon?

Well, between you and me and sotto voce, as they say, uh, if we actually ran as Tories round here, we wouldn't get in.

Right, well, well, I, I see, yes.

TIM: Yeah.

Good chap.

And, frankly, if you play your cards right, in a couple of years I'll be off, and the seat'll be up for grabs.

JAMES: Oh.

TIM: Interested?

JAMES: Well, I, I haven't run all this past my wife, but, yes.

Uh, I'm a local boy.

My family still live round here.

Perfect.

In fact, my mother has been having a spot of bother, wanted me to speak to you about it.

One of those bastard developers has been doing up a barn round the back of her house.

Somehow got permission.

Ruining the whole aspect just to make a fast buck as far as I can tell.

No advantage to the town.

Ghastly, is it?

What would be your position on something like that?

No!

Ghastly.

Before you know it, the whole place will be like... Godalming.

I can look into this for you.

See what I can get this fellow on.

Another pint?

Just a half, I'm driving.

-Uh... -Perhaps Mr. Tim Brewer would like to know who's moving into that barn before any trouble is caused.

Mr. Charles Dance, Tim.

-TIM: What?

-No, it's the principle.

TIM: What?

If I were you, I wouldn't be getting on my high horse about the principles of a town where my mother... is the local whore.

How dare you?

Sal.

I've seen it.

Gentlemen callers at all hours of the day.

Sneaking in her back door.

TIM: What?

What?

JAMES: Our mother is apparently a prostitute.

A prostitute, or at the very least a slut.

I can't believe you're not concerned.

What's she doing?

What should we do?

Can I just say, about Mum, I think you should just ask her.

But if you become an MP, I'm gonna have to disown you immediately.

Well, that would actually be to my advantage, but...

So we should have a family meeting.

Oh, God.

-JAMES: What?

-This isn't about her reputation is it?

It's about yours.

-No.

-TASH: Oh, so yes.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ow!

Look, there-there are other issues here.

This might be an opportunity for us to be open and... She is a woman.

Please don't talk about sex.

There is a possibility that our mother is having promiscuous relations.

Promiscuous relations?

It's a joke.

She hasn't got Dad anymore, and yet she still has needs.

What is this?

It's leaf tea.

What, made with actual leaves?

Yeah.

Right.

-Good Lord.

-Don't start laughing.

-I won't.

-You always do.

That is because it's generally a comedy you put on for us, brother of mine.

Now, now... Mum?

Yeah?

Will you, will you come through here and sit down, please?

Yeah, just making a cup of tea.

What is this about?

I don't know.

Unless you're pregnant, are you?

Oh.

Bring that in for me, love.

What about this planning thing, James?

Tip said you were talking to our local tosser MP.

-Did she?

Now, Mum-- -Talking to him?

James is gonna become the local tosser MP, from what I heard.

-What?

-James, I thought that we had agreed.

No, it's not about that.

No, no, no.

James, your father would turn in his grave if he thought his only son was gonna be an open Tory.

Lib Dem, Mum.

SAL: Oh, my God, that's even worse.

Did it not even occur to you to tell me before announcing it to everyone else?

Please, it's not about that.

It's-it's about Mum.

SAL: Oh.

Now, Mum... (CLEARS THROAT) we-we-we all know that, that since Dad died, you, you've, you... you've not been having your... your-your needs.

You... Your-your sexual needs.

Oh, where are you going with this?

(LAUGHS) James?

Oh, God.

James thinks you're a prostitute, Mum.

I don't, by the way.

I told him it was, like, you know, a joke.

What are you saying?

What?

Mum, have you been sleeping with men from the town?

(LAUGHS) Because apparently they've been seen turning up at your back door regularly and no one knows why.

It's all nudge-nudge and wink-wink.

What, like a Monty Python sketch?

-Shut up.

-Ow!

Stop it.

Stop it now.

Who, who said this?

The builder, Jock.

Bloody hell.

Why doesn't he mind his own business?

How dare he think that?

JAMES: So what... what have you been doing then, that all these men come around?

Actually, yeah, Mum.

What is it with all the old men?

It's not just old men.

-What?

-Oh.

Guild, pl-please say it's the Guild.

No, it's not the Guild.

Oh, God, please say this isn't true.

Actually, Mum, ignore what I said earlier.

Just say this is early, like, dementia, please?

You get diagnosed now and then I can register as your carer and get extra benefits.

Look... Oh, God, what are you gonna say now?

You started this.

Once a week...

I have a few of the oldies round here.

Oh, no.

Where?

Not on this sofa?

Oh, stop it.

The ones who can't or won't go to the surgery.

(STUTTERS) There's not very many of them, and-and it's only minor ailments.

I don't work at the surgery on a Wednesday.

In fact, I don't work there much at all anymore.

But that doesn't mean you can just switch locations.

I know, but they want to see me.

-No offense, Yasmeen.

-No.

You can't do this.

This is totally illegal!

It's wrong!

Well, you should employ me more then.

This isn't my fault.

No, it's the bloody government's fault.

Yeah, you go for it, Mum.

If they'd give you more money, you'd be able to employ an experienced nurse who cares and looks after the patients.

Oh, sorry, sorry again.

I don't think you can blame the government.

So where does it happen, then, this backstreet clinic?

In here?

Oh, not in the food preparation area?

Well, it's the bloody hill.

They can't get their mobility scooters up the hill.

It's easier if they come here.

Oh, what, so now it's the hill's fault?

It's a horrid hill, even in a car.

It's against the law.

Oh.

Propranolol?

Amitriptyline?

General analgesics?

Antirheumatics?

Cardiovascular... Musculoskeletal?

Minor ailments?

Well, just think of it as a new polyclinic model.

I mean the local PTC wants patients closer to the services.

You're hiding them in Ribena boxes.

There is a child in the house.

He doesn't actually like Ribena.

Oh, please tell me you're not... Only the once, and she was just passing.

I mean, they don't like doing it with Yasmeen.

Sorry, sorry again, Yasmeen.

No, no, I think that's completely fine.

I don't like doing it, either.

Mum, apart from anything else, you don't ever lock your door.

Do you even have a lock on your door?

You really, really don't need it in this area.

It's very antisocial.

Anyway, it, it, it's got to stop.

You-you cannot do this as a hobby.

That is right, Mum.

Stop helping people, start knitting so that James can go into politics without having an embarrassing family.

Actually after a lifetime spent with you two I'm rather desensitized.

I never complained when you dropped me off at school wearing your nightie, when-when you joined in on sports day for a laugh.

When you snogged Tip in front of my friends when they asked what a lesbian was.

But now, just because I want to do something for a greater cause than a laugh, I'm suddenly an --.

Have we finished?

Oh, yes, do please go.

SAL: James.

I don't think you're an --.

Look, I can't do gardening, can I?

Not with that lot out there.

And, anyway, that, that, that Jock is so gonna get it in the neck.

Oh, no, please, please just leave it.

No.

I mean, who the hell does he think he is?

Why don't you just leave it?

No!

Okay, Mum, telly off, it's time to go.

Spike just called, bastard-y Scottish-y builder-y man is in the pub.

Hmm!

Right.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

I'm getting, like, festival-y vibe.

It's like the G20.

"Eat the bankers!"

-(SAL CHUCKLES) -In fact... Oh, God, what are you doing?

I am using kettle tactics.

I'm going to kettle you until you're really, really furious.

You may not eat or pee!

I am really furious!

-Yeah?

-You sure I don't need to slap you?

Oh, stop it.

Let's go.

TASH: Yeah, you go, Mother.

Yes, you can!

Oh, my God, I wish I'd brought my whistle.

(COUNTRY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) JAMES: Yes, yes, I'd be happy to canvass.

Well, the thing to remember about most of the people from around here, and you have to say this quite quietly, is they are rather stupid.

JAMES: Really?

I just said that slower, didn't I?

No paper again, Tip, I had to use my tissue.

Oh, my God, I just heard, Sal is on her way and she's in high dudgeon.

There may be bloodshed.

Drink your last, dead man walking.

Oh, Sal?

Oh, well...

Yes, you might, "Oh, well..." Make up an addicting woman, while you still have one.

-Tip.

-Come on, admit it, you thought the worst.

You believed the gossip.

-Yes, but-- -No, you were prepared to sacrifice one of your own at the altar of Charles Dance.

Please, now, if I can just speak in my own defense just for one moment, please.

(SIGHS) Even if Sal had been a sex worker, I would've been forced to look positively at it because it is Guild policy to legalize that sort of sex trade.

Sal knows you didn't stick up for her.

You were prepared to believe the worst rather than upset some bloody actor.

And you, you're very quiet now, aren't you?

Trying not to get involved, well, you are.

You might be able to waltz into Wiltshire and do your business, but not here.

A vengeance will be had.

Two more pints, please.

-It's all my fault, isn't it?

-No, Rosie.

Margaret said I was an idiot.

No, Rosie.

Still, I kept my secret, didn't I?

You did, darling.

Yeah.

Your mother's on her way up.

-What?

-High noon.

(WHOOSHES) Poof, poof.

Oh, God.

Your mother, how nice.

Well, she-she may be some time, so just drink up.

Drink up, please, just drink up.

I'm very good with old dears.

Is this a photo op?

No, just, just, just drink.

This is gonna be good.

All we need are swinging doors.

This is what a pub should be, a place for the town to let off steam.

A saloon.

So bring on the balsa-wood chairs and the sugar-glass bottles.

They can ban smoking, but they can't ban a fight.

I want trouble.

She's here!

She's here!

(HUFFING DRAMATICALLY) -SAL: Hi, Rosie.

-Hello, lady.

Hi, Tip.

Hi, Eileen.

Hi, Sal.

A small white wine, please.

James, can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, we-we-we're fine, thanks.

Mum, that is the MP.

Oh.

Right, thank you, Tash.

Hi, I'm Sal, James' mother.

Tim.

He's gonna be doing some work for us.

Oh, good, 'cause the elections are coming round.

Yes, they are, and I need all the support I can get.

Good.

Guild election's coming up, aren't they, Eileen?

You'll need all the support you can get.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yes.

Listen, James, um, before I...

If you need to contact me, you can ring my wife and who is my "secretary."

Uh, well, she's my secretary, my "wife."

No, she's my wife, she's not my "wife."

She's my, she's my wife and she's my secretary.

And I don't have two wives.

I have one wife, it's not a scam.

She's not a duck house, I think that's what I'm trying to say.

Now, look, during the election time, I can helicopter in if you think there's a good photo opportunity, so there we are.

Ma-marvelous.

She actually is a nurse.

(GASPS) I said it.

-(GRUNTS) -Oh.

(BLEATS) Tash.

Why don't you come over here, darling?

I'd rather die.

This is so embarrassing.

(MOUTHS) I know.

(SIGHS) (MOUTHS) Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, my God.

Bloody hell.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

My God!

-No, no, no, no, no.

-(VICAR SNORING) Look, he's come for his sleeping pills and taken some.

TASH: What are you gonna do?

Oh, we'll let him have a sleep.

I'll give him a little blanket.

At least he's getting a bit of kip, isn't he?

Eh?

Oh, look.

Baby boo.

(SAL AND TASH LAUGHING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGSONGY) Hello!

I must get a lock on that door.

What is it, Eileen?

Oh.

Oh.

Sal, we... we feel we owe you an apology.

I owe you an apology.

We should be more understanding, darling.

I'm sorry too.

It's just that I'm just so angry, though.

EILEEN: Hmm.

I know.

-SAL: Oh... -Oh, gosh.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Oh.

Cup of tea?

-(TOILET FLUSHES) -What a lovely idea.

I'm not quite sure, should I use... EILEEN: Vicar!

Mum, I... James?

Vicar?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) God, I must get locks put on both those doors.

♪ We are the Village Green ♪ ♪ Preservation Society ♪ ♪ God save Donald Duck ♪ ♪ Vaudeville and variety ♪ ♪ We are the Desperate Dan ♪ ♪ Appreciation society ♪ ♪ God save strawberry jam ♪ ♪ And all the different varieties ♪ ♪ Preserving the old ways from being abused ♪ ♪ Protecting the new ways for me and for you ♪ ♪ What more can we do?

♪