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thinking about the future

Well, at one time, until I realized that I can't watch an animal die, I wanted to be a veterinarian. That was something I really looked forward to. But, where I couldn't quite handle the fact of putting an animal down, putting it to sleep, without me bursting into tears or something, I couldn't do it.

His mom's Christmas gift: a sword for Chris's collection

I wanted to collect knives, so I started buying little dollar store jobs. You know, little utility knives and everything. I started out with them. But then, as I started building my collection, I started thinking, "I want to be a collector." And now I have collected so many knives, and I'll keep the collection going until I want to find something different. And I've just now recently started on Japanese animation. I find it interesting, so I'm doing that. And then maybe sometime later I'll get hooked on, I don't know, car parts. I mean, the possibilities are endless.

[So] right now, I'm just a collector. I've heard great ideas about becoming a weapons historian or ideas of being a director to animation. I mean, there's a lot to do out there. It's kind of hard to keep your mind on one thing. And in my case it is very hard to keep my mind on one thing. But when I finally find something that is right for me, I'll stick with it.

Right now I just want to live my life. When I see something that is right for me, I'll do it. That's how I believe it to be. Live your life to the fullest. If you find an opportunity that you actually are interested in, go for it. Don't let no one stand in your way. That's how I see it. You can't stick with one thing. There is always something new out there, and right now, sure, weapons is my big thing or Japanese animation. But maybe someday later it could be something else totally different. I just gotta wait and see.

I don't want to be a quitter. I want to keep trying. I want to get a job. I want to help my children, if I have any. I don't want my wife to end up out working all night long just so we'd have food on the table. I want to be that person to work hard. I mean, I want to spend every moment with my children, every moment with my wife, if I can. I don't care if I'm dead tired, crawling. I will be there. It's the same way with my brother and my sister. I said, "If you ever need help, I'll be there. Just come up to me and say it. I don't care." I try to use my brother and sister how I would my own children. If I get this experience now, it'll be a lot easier on me for when I do have children of my own.

Chris making spaghetti dinner for his sister Amy

Right now I'm more half and half in optimism and pessimism. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen, but that's the fun of it. Every day is an adventure. One day it could take a turn for the worse, or it could take a turn for the better. I'll just have to climb that hurdle when it comes.

Right now I'm on standby. Sort of a mental standby on what I'm going to do for the future. All I want to live for is now. I want to go out. I want to have fun with my friends. I want to be a normal teenager. Not this kid who's like, "Oh my God, what am I going to do next? What am I going to do next?" No, I want to be free-spirited for a while. I decided I'm going to live for me. Not for anybody else, just for me for once. I mean I've done all these things for other people. I lived up to Mitzy's expectations. I lived up to Danny's expectations. I lived up to my mother's, my father's. Finally I can say "I've done enough." That's all I want.

I want a future. I mean, anything, I don't care if it's flipping burgers, as long as I can provide. I don't want anything for myself. I want it for either my family or for anyone I can help, medical field-wise or anything. I don't care if they're making me clean bed pans, doesn't matter to me. As long as I can actually know I'm helping people, that I'm interacting with them. If I had that feeling, I'll feel a lot better.

I've seen a lot of people that could've used that help, but they didn't have it. I didn't really get to see about my grandfather John, but he could've used that help. No one was there to tell him, "You need to get to a hospital," or, "you need to have this checked. You need therapy. You need something like that." No one was there to help him, and when I heard about that, I just couldn't handle it. So, ever since I heard about that, it's just popped in my head, I should help people.

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posted jan. 9, 2006

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