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my faith

I question a lot of things about my faith. I go by faith, but I want to know why I do. There's nothing really particular that I wonder, it's just, I'll just go off in my own little world sometimes. Just think, what about this, what about that? Sometimes it makes sense right away, sometimes it doesn't make sense 'til later on, and some things I'm still trying to figure out.

Cody and Jessica at their youth Bible study

I'd like to know why I'm actually doing the stuff I do. And why I actually feel so strongly about God. Why do I actually think that it is right, and why I have such a strong feeling that it is. So I figure if I question it, I can get a good answer.

Liz's husband Paul's son, also named Paul, is the one that introduced me to God. It is not like he really said anything to me that convinced me of it. I mean, he talked to me about it, but I've always been able to relate to music, and Paul, he's a singer and a guitar player. And he writes. His lyrics are really beautiful lyrics. And the energy he has is unlike anything I've seen before, and it's not like it's him. It's just an energy of the music. And I got this big chill. It just ran from foot to head and head to foot. Which actually, in the Bible, I learned later on it says that the Spirit flows from foot to head and head to foot.

And I just knew that whatever Paul was talking about was real. And I just had to find it. And I don't know if I found it or it found me, but either way, I know it's real. And nobody will ever change my mind about it.

For a while, especially the last two years, I really wasn't a good person basically. And any Christian I ever met treated me like crap, like I wasn't even a person. So I despised it an' I hated it. And I've always kind of knew God was real, I still just didn't want nothin' to do with it, you know? Why would you want to participate in somethin' that treats you like shit?

Cody and Jessica at Grace Fellowship Church

But I met Paul, and Paul's just real cool to me, and he been in the same situation before hand, and he knew what I was struggling with. And it just just kinda showed me, it wasn't God's fault if people treated me like that

It just showed me that no matter who you lose or who you don't get along with or what you do have or what you don't have, that there's always a greater love there, and that comforts me. And it's not just somethin' that I got in my head. It's somethin' that goes all the way past your heart and into your soul. It's somethin' that's very real to me.

I've never actually seen God. I've seen the effects of it, and it's kinda like the wind. It's why you can't explain where the wind comes from -- nobody's actually seen an image of the wind -- but everybody's seen what the wind can do. And that's kinda like God. Nobody seen Him, nobody knows where He came from, but if you look hard enough you can see what He does

I think I've had to have these trials in my life, with my dad and bein' picked at all the time, because really you gotta be humbled before you have a need for God. Until you've lost just about everything, you really don't realize you need it, and so I think it's almost vital for me to see what I need to do. All these bad things that have happened are vital for me to see what I need to do and for me to find God and everything. If my dad never woulda died, I don't know if I ever woulda found God.

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posted jan. 9, 2006

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