- I've Always Been Different
- My Family
- My Faith
- Why I Want to Be a Preacher
- Writing Music
- The Future
My mom died when I was like five months old, so I never knew her. So, I always lived with my dad. And step-moms came in and out, in and out, 'cause he was married six times. But, me and my dad were real close. We were like best friends. And his last wife, she like threatened to kill me or something like that. It just made him mad, and he went in to where she worked. She was a stripper. And he just shot her, and then he shot himself.
I didn't know what to think. My dad always told me, "I'd rather die than go to jail." So, I guess he kept the promise.
After my dad died, there was probably like a year before I went to this place for help because I was depressed, manic-depressive and everything. I went there for about three weeks, and came back. I did alright after that, but I didn't really get over it until after I got saved. So, I was depressed for about two years.
When I got counseling, they made me tell my story over and over and over and over. So I don't know if I just got used to it or it desensitized me or what. I just got so used to talking about it. I can talk about it like it was nothing. It's not that it doesn't hurt or anything. It's just that I'm used to talking about it.
I wrote a song about my dad 'cause I think about him a lot, and basically the whole song's about how he died. And the thought sort of run through my mind when it happened, just when it first happened, how I couldn't believe it happened, and it was just a terrible feeling, you know. It's like your whole world's been crushed or something. 'Cause back then that's all I had was my dad 'cause I hardly had any friends and my mom was dead and everything else, and I've always been like the black sheep of the family seems like. So pretty much my dad was it. And he just died. So that was horrible.
I think about my dad every day. And so I decided to write a song about it. And the first verse is all about when it first happened, how I was feeling. It goes: "Well I thought I would never see this day. Oh well, the pain was unbearable, while I was 12 years old without a father."
And the second verse is all about what happened. It says: "When he went into the bar looking for her. Your sights were set on her, now put her to the grave. Now put the gun to your chest and blow yourself away." 'Cause he went in there with an AK-47 and a trenchcoat. And he just pulled it out, and he blew two bullets in her chest.
And then he turned around with the gun and he said, "Dear Lord, forgive me," and he shot himself and it blew his whole back open.
And the third verse talks about what happened afterwards with me. And it says: "All this because our lives were threatened," because what happened was that girl actually called us, and she threatened to kill me and him both, and I suppose that's why he did what he did. I don't know 'cause I never got to talk to him about it. It says: "All this because our lives were threatened. You weren't in your right mind anyway." Then it says: "God is the only one keeping me sane." Because before I got saved I had so many problems. I still got a few problems, but I'm slowly workin' through 'em. It's just, I found peace with [God].
Then it says: "Otherwise I'd put a bullet in my brain," because before I got saved, I was so suicidal. And then just afterwards I found a new reason to live. And that's what the song's about.
When I wrote this song I was just thinking about how traumatizing that was for me, and I was thinking, you know, there's other people out there who's probably gone through somethin' like this. And I needed to get it out anyway, so I just wrote it down on paper and I figured we'd do a song about it. 'Cause you never know, it might actually help somebody out to know that somebody else has gone through the same thing.
When I think about my dad -- sometimes I think about the good times we had and the bad times we had, and I miss him a lot. But -- I mean, I hate to say this -- but there are some good things that come out of it.
You know, I moved down here, and when I moved out here I got this band going. And I got a lot of friends now. I'd still trade it all back for him, but if it hadn't happened, I never would have moved down here, and I probably never would have had this band. I never would have met Jessica, never would have met the friends I have now. I probably never would have seen Liz 'cause last time I seen her before we moved down here I was about 12 years old. It was just a little bit before he died. And so some good things came out of it.
Me and my dad, we weren't just father and son. We were best friends, too. We'd do just about everything. We went dirt bike riding together all the time. We'd hunt and fish together. And he's actually the one that introduced me into heavy metal music. My own dad did. He bought me my first Metallica CD when I was about 10 years old, and that's what got me into it. He bought me all these different metal CDs and he got me into Jimi Hendrix, too. Black Sabbath. And he bought me my first Nine Inch Nails CD, and Stone Temple Pilots and all this. So before my dad introduced me to that kind of music, I listened to like pop stuff. Stupid crap. Actually, if it wasn't for my dad I probably wouldn't be playing this type of music. I don't even know if I'd be interested in music if it wasn't for my dad. Because music is the thing that runs in my family really.
I'm not curious about my mother so much anymore. I mean, I was when I was a kid, but I never really knew her, and it's hard to be curious about someone you didn't know. Everybody's always told me my mom was real unique. She dressed different, but she dressed neat. That's the difference between my mom and me, but Dad always said she wouldn't of cared what I wore as long as it was done in a good way. I don't know, I guess it'd be kinda cool knowin' her. But the way everybody talks she seemed like she was a pretty cool person.
Anytime a family member gets upset with me it kind of hurts me a little bit because whenever you lose your parents, it's really weird -- you start to think anybody could go, you know? I'm real sensitive about people who care about me just going away because I don't never know if I'd get to see 'em again.
[After my dad died] I lived with my aunt, and I got in a lot of trouble. Just like doing drugs and like getting in trouble at school all the time. And she just sent me off over here, and since I've lived here, I've straightened up.
My dad's fourth wife is Liz's daughter. I was real close with her, and she's always treated me like her grandson. So, that's how I ended up with her. I tell everybody she's my grandma because it's a lot easier than saying, "Yeah, you know, she's my dad's fourth wife's mother." It's a lot easier to call her grandma.